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Yesterday spent time outside with a dear friend, something that happened out of the blue.

Today I feel my energy is all gone. Very thoroughly tired.

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Playing the guitar is a lot of fun lately. Great silly feeling running around the only scale I'm familiar with.

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This weekend is a mini excursion to Chichibu with college 1st year friends. Feeling very anxious what the conversation will be like, me being the only one left in university.

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I guess it's not really anxiety, it's just I don't feel close enough with them to be comfortable spending a night together.

Anyways Chichibu is a nice place. Will try to focus on the being in the midst of great nature bit.

Edited by taichi

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6 hours ago, taichi said:

Today marks 2 weeks of no gaming/youtube/sns/porn/masturbation. Doing very good.

That's a huge achievement, congrats! Keep it up.

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I made a point to be open to my college friends about my situation. No small talk, straight to the nitty gritty with "oh me? I'm working with a psychiatrist to overcome my problems."

* Edit 14 May 2019: That's a half-lie by the way. I hadn't been anywhere near a psychiatrist since last October.

Now I feel much closer to some of the people I talked with. I feel like I'm making friends at last.

Edited by taichi
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Nice to openly discuss your difficult situation with your friends. I may have tried that someday. 

Edited by goodbill
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Nice! Half a month without all this digital content is worth the admiration! Even the masturbation, if it was your addiction too!

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I've had this since high school, but my mind often slips into images of me brandishing a sword. The last few days this RPG flashback thing is very noticeable.

I think I've always been the type to retreat into my own world, and my former psychiatrist suggested slight Autistic Spectrum Disorder in me.

My love for repeating the same thing over and over again could be a useful thing, like how I've been making my family the same delicious chicken curry regularly.

Hopefully I will find myself a happy place in this world, and the flashbacks will disappear in time.

Edited by taichi

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I had a thought about replacing the sword swinging with an image of doing something else that feels amazing, like maybe riding my dream bicycle.

Not sure if that's a good idea. I would like to have this busy mind shut up entirely when idle.

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Stayed over at my girlfriend's family home. Made a curry for the family.

 

I always start to feel exhausted and irritable after a few hours of being with my girlfriend, and I had always assumed I just wasn't kind enough to her.

Now I am starting to see that this is my empathy-sickness, a recognition that came quite suddenly when I was cuddling her and I felt like my body had disappeared.

I was denying myself of feeling, concentrating on how I could make her the most comfortable. The way I make conversation was also only a verbal version of that ghostly kindness.

 

I need to know what I am feeling.

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1 hour ago, taichi said:

I was denying myself of feeling, concentrating on how I could make her the most comfortable. The way I make conversation was also only a verbal version of that ghostly kindness.

Oh yeah man! You are making the unconscious conscious, and that is awesome. Keep at it!! I have a similar problem, when starting sex I always think if she wants it instead of asking myself that question.

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Now that my girlfriend has pointed out a lack of empathy in me, and everything she said rings true, I'm not sure where to put my last comment.

I suppose I have the wrong idea of empathy. What I was concentrating on is more like making myself unaccountable, always on the right. And that's shit.

Lacking empathy while feeling invisible is a very sorry state. 

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Games are starting to feel distant and interesting. This now familiar feeling is clearly my brain's attempt at tripping me up again. Poor thing.

 

This week's a holiday in Japan, so I went to see my grandparents, yesterday mother's side and today father's side.

Both live about an hour and a half away from us, and it was a lot of travelling for my easily tired body. Must relax.

Edited by taichi

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My withdrawal shittyness has subsided and now I've turned back into a passive-aggressive narcissist prick.

I'm surprised I had forgotten about this problem in me, and I'm forcefully woken from the illusion that abstention is my cure-all.

The only conceivable path to a healthy self is seeing a counsellor to work on my self-esteem issues.

 

I'm feeling quite stressed and keyed-up about this all. Haven't really relaxed in the last few days.

Edited by taichi

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I suppose a counsellor's job is to guide the process, and I do the actual work in changing my way of thinking.

The least I can do is observe my inner brokenness everyday. This I can do right here.

 

According to my former psychiatrist, my problem stems from a lack of core self-esteem, the sense that I will be loved no matter what I do.

Ugh that sounds like a lie. Honestly, is that a real thing?

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1 hour ago, taichi said:

According to my former psychiatrist, my problem stems from a lack of core self-esteem, the sense that I will be loved no matter what I do.

Ugh that sounds like a lie. Honestly, is that a real thing?

Very interesting. It depends on what you believe I think. If you are convinced, that there is a god, you would be loved endlessy. But even if you do not, what do you think is better for you? Reduce yourself to something less or pushing yourself with a force, you may not even understand, but would help your situation. When you can't know the truth, then why don't you pick what is best for you and your people around you?

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5 hours ago, taichi said:

According to my former psychiatrist, my problem stems from a lack of core self-esteem, the sense that I will be loved no matter what I do.

Ugh that sounds like a lie. Honestly, is that a real thing?

 

4 hours ago, Sapuverell said:

When you can't know the truth, then why don't you pick what is best for you and your people around you?

That's actually a pretty good answer. I think mothers feel that way towards their kids naturally.

What's even more amazing that you actually find a person and build up unconditional love from zero with them too.

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11 hours ago, Sapuverell said:

It depends on what you believe I think. If you are convinced, that there is a god, you would be loved endlessy. But even if you do not, what do you think is better for you? Reduce yourself to something less or pushing yourself with a force, you may not even understand, but would help your situation. When you can't know the truth, then why don't you pick what is best for you and your people around you?

Thank you for your kindness.

The way I was brought up, I find it quite impossible to relate to a deity in an intimate, inward kind of way.

I'm not even an atheist or agnostic, because nobody was religious in my childhood.

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7 hours ago, Ikar said:

I think mothers feel that way towards their kids naturally.

What's even more amazing that you actually find a person and build up unconditional love from zero with them too.

Thank you for your insight.

What I am finding out, the hard way, is that I don't give unconditional love. People have to be special and serve my interests loyally for me to love them.

Thus my past relationships have been psychologically abusive ones, my current one also rapidly turning that way.

Thankfully, or more like miraculously, my current girlfriend has objected to my abuse and is still willing to stay with me, as long as I seek professional help for my inner troubles.

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4 hours ago, taichi said:

Thank you for your insight.

What I am finding out, the hard way, is that I don't give unconditional love. People have to be special and serve my interests loyally for me to love them.

Thus my past relationships have been psychologically abusive ones, my current one also rapidly turning that way.

Thankfully, or more like miraculously, my current girlfriend has objected to my abuse and is still willing to stay with me, as long as I seek professional help for my inner troubles.

Funny thing is, I think my response about a month ago would've been different, as I was freshly out of a relationship and I never saw the end coming.

Realizing your past relationship, I think with you eventually overcoming the addiction successfully and her being a witness and a supporter in the witness, would create a strong sense of gratitude on your part towards her!

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7 hours ago, Ikar said:

Funny thing is, I think my response about a month ago would've been different, as I was freshly out of a relationship and I never saw the end coming.

Realizing your past relationship, I think with you eventually overcoming the addiction successfully and her being a witness and a supporter in the witness, would create a strong sense of gratitude on your part towards her!

A few days ago, I was sure mine had ended too. I am forever grateful for her caring love.

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