Brad_Hurst 168 Posted April 15, 2018 Author Share Posted April 15, 2018 (edited) My emotions are hitting a peak again. I haven't posted in a while... I need to outlet how I'm feeling though, no one else cares. This journey is fucking hard. Like really fucking hard. For so long I've been a huge dreamer, just simply dreaming about this lifestyle I want for myself. And that's all I did, dream and then continue to avoid chasing it. I'm scared. I'm really fucking scared. Why am I scared? I think it's because I've built up this image, this pathway in my head that everything is going to be easy sailing. That I'm just magically going to build this fun, joyful lifestyle for myself. I never thought about the pain I'd have to endure to get there. I'm scared that I'm not going to achieve my dreams, that I'll have to settle for mediocrity. Living a boring ass life, with no stories to tell. I'm scared to fail, i'm honestly scared of myself. Why is it I want something so bad, yet I struggle with the taking action. I think that's what is freaking me out... Do I really want this? Like do I really want this? Or am I just going to settle with taking the easy option because I'm too fucking scared of failure. I've built up a huge ego about myself. That I know I'm somehow going to figure it out 'one day'. That I'm going to get that awesome group of friends, the amazing girlfriend, the freedom to do what I want with my time, the travelling, the epic adventures... When I think about these things, I get this huge surge of energy, this drive to conquer everything that passes in my way. YET, I sit in front of my laptop - And my mind goes blank. I feel paralysed. I don't know where to start, what the fuck to do. And it scares me because the longer I feel paralysed, unable to take the right action, the longer I stay living a lifestyle that really does not excite me whats so ever! So. RIght now... What am I doing? Well. I joined a community called Location Rebel. It's focused on building a location independent income, they have courses on a bunch of different areas for online businesses and work on building up the foundations in all the areas you will need to run one successfully. What they recommend - The easiest way to start making money online, is by writing. Writing 500 word SEO articles for clients. I know I mentioned Social Media Marketing before, and I thought that was the path I was going to start off with. But I kept doubting myself, what do I write? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And when they mentioned to start off with writing, it made complete sense. Like if you're going to be running an online business, you need to know how to write. It's a great way of getting my toes wet, dealing with clients etc. And I thought, as a bonus... Because I'll be writing about a bunch of different things, I'll be researching and learning about loads of different things - Which can only help with my communications in real life right? So the plan is to start with this. Again, this is what frustrates me about myself. I keep saying I'm going to do things, and then I change my mind. I don't trust myself - That's the truth of it. I've got to build the relationship with myself up again. The reason I am frustrated today is that before this weekend, I told myself I'd have my freelance website complete and I'd have 2 sample pieces written. Getting my website up took longer than it should have and at the start of today my goal was to simply finish the website and write 2, 500 word articles. NOT THAT HARD. Yet all I achieved was getting my website nearly complete and I never wrote the articles. The truth on that is, I really did not have a clue what to write about. I felt clueless. The thought that kept running through my head is "You don't have any passions, you don't know anything about anything." It's a really shitty thought that keeps circulating in my head, and I can't shake it. Yet I realise it's this thought that is preventing me from moving forward and it needs to change. MY WEBSITE: http://digitalhurst.com Lemme know what ya think. Whilst creating it I was thinking, I'd really like to know how to build this better. I had these visions in my head about how I'd like to create it, but I didn't have the technical knowledge to know how to put it out there. So I think web design/development is something I'd certainly like to try out in the future. Right now I just want the quickest way out of my desk job. I keep toying with the idea of, just fucking quit dude - Go work in a bar or some shit. I'll be honest, I just seriously need to do something different than sitting at a desk all day. It's driving me insane. You know you're going insane when the sound of someone pouring coffee at their desk gives you the cringes. When you look at your co-workers and they all look like drained robots, and I sense the fake smile they display. Secretly hating their life. I dunno - This is a bad way of thinking. But fuck it, that's what runs through my head sometimes. When I see new employees all joyful as they walk through the doors, laughing away - already trying to impress their boss. And I'm here screaming "GET OUT WHILST YOU CAN, RUN - IT'S A TRAP" Fuck me... Alright anyways - I watched Chalet Girl with my Mum and Sister as I was just frustrated that I was doing nothing with my work. Mayn - It seriously made me think, I could so live my life like that. I really don't think i'd be that bothered if I was pot washing for a living, but then getting to ski all day. I'd work hard and play real fucking hard. Right now, I work hard, I work hard, I work not so hard, I work even less hard. No play. Maybe a nightout, a bit of working out, a bit of boxing. What a miserable existence I live. If I hadn't been so stupid with my finances, i'd seriously just drop everything RIGHT NOW - Grab a backpack and fuck off. --- Part of the reason I didn't get so much done this weekend is that I went out on Friday night. It was my friend's first ever DJ event, and it's been in the making for like 4 months. I definitely did not want to miss it. Now - This was a really positive experience. So i'll share the event and hopefully perk myself up in the mean time haha. All imma say is it was fucking epic! I started the night at my friend's house, he had all of his friends round too and his girlfriend. We just kinda chilled in his room, drank booze. They were all planning on taking drugs that night... Now, I have taken drugs on two occasions in the past - Both times it was pretty fucking epic! I took em at a drum 'n' base festival and then once on a night out when I had passed out due to too much alcohol, and then someone bought me some and it actually revived me and I went on to have one of the best nights ever! Soooo - I dropped a pill as we got to the venue. We grabbed some glow sticks as we entered the venue, and as we got inside we realised the dance floor was empty. Well Chelsea (My friend's girlfriend) and I just started dancing by ourselves on the dance floor aha. Eventually it picked up, I met an old classmate outside so it was cool to catchup with him. I then had a play fight with Chelsea and she was showing me some of the moves she learnt when she used to do Judo - Mayn she was pretty good, i'd pretend to throw a punch and she'd block it away and then kick me in the side. I caught her foot a few times and at one point she threw me to the ground! Obviously I let her do it... And then my friend started playing. And holy shit, the dance floor was a light! Everyone was just busting mad moves and going crazy. Here's me and me mate Fin: So ya, overall - an awesome night. I had a pretty bad hangover most of Saturday though! Just had a phone call with my Dad. I was quite negative but he kept picking me up, he's being really inspiring. And he is battling similar things to me about self-doubt and all that. I know it's my mindset that's holding me back. It's almost like i'm addicted to the negative thoughts. I can't let go. I shall keep persisting, I will keep trying, I will keep going. My Dad mentioned that I may be overworking myself. This may be true - I might book a weekend away somewhere. Probably by myself - I don't really care. It'd be cool if I could go abroad for the weekend on the cheap. I'll mention what i've told myself before. It's patience. Things are going to come good. Things have already been good, I'm just ignoring the good things and focusing on the bad. I know, give me 3 months and my whole world will have changed. That's all for now. - Brad. Edited April 15, 2018 by Brad_Hurst 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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