Jump to content

NEW VIDEO: My tour was cancelled (vlog)

dwalk77

Members
  • Content Count

    177
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Community Reputation

106 Excellent

About dwalk77

  • Rank
    Veteran

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. Day 47 Been a few weeks since I've posted. As far as gaming, I've managed well. The first week I didn't have a computer, so that certainly made it easier. But overall...not exactly good stuff to report. I haven't gone to support groups. I really think there's no substitute for that if I want to heal from my other addiction. I've had some bad days. I missed a few work days last week b/c I was feeling anxious about leading some training. I've missed a lot of work. I'm surprised I get away with it. This whole Corona virus thing is depressing, but it's also given me ways to rationalize not living up to my potential. Just because it's a good idea to be socially distant and there's not much opportunity to go to things like support groups and church, it doesn't mean I can't still challenge myself or try to be a better person. I can still make phone calls, pray, exercise, cook, read. And work during work hours. Just b/c I'm shut in doesn't mean I have to give into bingeing on Netflix or watching porn. But that's kind of where my mind has been. I did get my laptop back from my Mom's house last weekend, b/c our work is asking us to work from home for the time being. So having the laptop here has made it easier to lose myself in some not so good stuff. I've had some thoughts that this would be the perfect setup for gaming. What better way to kill tons of time and isolate yourself? There's been a few games come to mind that I reminisced about. How good it felt to understand and master them, lose myself in them. But then I have to remember a few things. First, if I played those same games again, it wouldn't be the same. Playing the game the first time is always the best, you can't replicate that. Next, it's selective recall -- I'm choosing to forget the negative consequences associated with losing myself in those games. Being so irritable towards other people in real life. Getting terrible sleep. Doing terrible at work or missing work all together. I could try to find a new game, but I'm very picky about games, and it's exhausting to find one that I'll actually find satisfying. And the other thing is -- I don't have the capability, not for the good games. I have a really small laptop without a graphics card - it's not ideal for gaming. But the bottom line is I don't want to. Sure, there's a part of me that craves it, but overall - I like being free from games, and watching games. Lately I've found a renewed interest in disc golf, and I would MUCH rather do something like that than game. I'm really hoping the virus stuff begins to die down or at least have some timelines of when to expect some normalcy to return. That's where I'm at for now..
  2. dwalk77

    30 Days!

    Today marks 30 days without gaming or watching Twitch. Feels great! The biggest move was no doubt ditching my PC entirely. I still have a lot of opportunity for getting out of my room more and connecting with other people, but I feel like I'm in a much better position for that now, and the pull to engage in gaming has certainly diminished. Weekends are definitely the biggest challenge so will need to work on that. Looking forward to 60 days!
  3. Day 30 Yup, today is 30 days. Wow. Feels good man. I won't say it's been easy. I've especially felt pulled towards Twitch over some recent weekends, and I know how that can be a gateway to actual gaming. But I've held out. What's helped me get through 30 days: - getting rid of the desktop. I've still had a laptop around some of the time, but it's basically incapable of playing any of the games I've been addicted to in the past. This is probably the biggest thing - for the most part, I didn't have my laptop either (update on that forthcoming). Which means my only means of watching Twitch was on my phone. And when you compare watching Twitch on a 16" screen (or 46") to a 5" screen, it's just not the same. It loses A LOT of luster and it's much easier to turn down - going on vacation. it sort of feels like "cheating", but about half of that 30 days was spent on vacation, where circumstances made it much easier to not game. I was basically surrounded with family the majority of the time and it was just a beautiful place to be. Gaming was the last thing on my mind. but I'll take it....God provided those circumstances and I used it - counseling. Counseling helped me follow through with ditching my pc and tv. he didn't talk me into it (it was my idea), but he did help me follow through with it. and just having someone to check in with, break me out of my own head for a bit, and not live so isolated what will it take for 60 days? - continuing with the above - need to get out more. more connection. not complicated, but not easy either. Sunday I gave my laptop back over to my Mom, so I'm without a PC again. Good step. I don't think it's a coincidence that the very same day I did some reading and prayer (which I hadn't been doing at all). My roommate mentioned yesterday hanging out on a weekly basis..I think that could definitely help. Plan on giving up alcohol for the forseeeable future. I didn't drink at all on our vacation, and I was totally fine with that.
  4. Welcome Erik. Good luck and thanks for sharing!
  5. Welcome Laura. I think coming on here and sharing your story is a great start to overcome your addiction.
  6. Day 24 Wow, it's almost been 30 days. I feel great about that. I took a vacation a few weeks ago to Hawaii, and it was incredible. There was very little pull towards gaming. I was around my family for almost all the trip, and we were on the go for most of it. It was by far the most beautiful place I've ever been. In a week we went through the heart of a rainforest, to the top of a mountain, and beaches with crystal clear water. I haven't been on a true "vacation" like that in 6 or 7 years. I'm very grateful my Mom invited me and took the heavy share of the costs. Once I get my finances in order, I think it's a good idea to do something like that on at least an annual basis. Maybe not on that scale, but some sort of getaway, b/c I really did experience a sort of "surreal" that I couldn't have imagined in my day-to-day life. I wasn't perfect though. My counselor said something to the effect of "you can change your environment, but you can't leave yourself". In other words, my struggles that I have here crept back in. Especially lust. Towards the end of the trip I fell into some destructive patterns. Seeing gorgeous women wearing string bikinis escalated those tendencies. I got back and had 4 more days off of work. Lots of time and no plans laid the path for me to isolate and indulge. I did. I even had some thoughts of getting a hotel room for a few nights so I could truly be isolated for a few more nights and not be around my roommates, but fortunately I didn't take that step. I had some thoughts to game in that time period, but I didn't. I really wanted to pull up some Twitch and check up on some streamers, but I was able to entertain myself with some TV and movies. No doubt, having some time and space from the gaming world certainly helped keep that distance. I went back to work Monday, a few days ago, and things went pretty well. Last night I went to counseling and it was good to get some sort of recovery going again and check in with someone about everything that's going on. I missed work this morning though. It sort of hit me out of nowhere. I can't say I fully understand why I seem to be so much worse at showing up to work than other people do. It annoys me. I'm fortunate to work for a company and managers that have been lenient, and I have a lot of paid time off, but it still feels crappy when I take an unexpected day off. I usually feel weak and call myself names after I do it. I don't particularly like my job, maybe that's part of it. But then I think most people don't like their jobs. Anyways...it does feel that I'm having some progress with the gaming front, and that's good. 30 days is around the corner, and that's my current goal. I do have my laptop on me now. Previously I had gotten rid of my desktop and was living PC-free. I usually keep this laptop at my Mom's house, but after our trip I grabbed it so I could get in full indulge-mode before having to go back to work. I've made arrangements to drop the laptop back over to her this weekend, and I believe that'll help me in my fight against lust/porn and gaming. I need to take some extra steps here, soon. Getting back to work tomorrow is the first step. But work and counseling...is not enough. I believe I need to get into a routine that incorporates prayer/reading/journaling. I was making a little headway on that before I left. But still, need to get out and connect more, and I think 12-step groups are the best option for me to do that. I've also recently found a guy with a Youtube channel that has really caught my attention as far as my faith goes. I think that could be helpful as well. That's all I have for now. Until next time..
  7. Thank you! I appreciate the kind words, and good luck on your journey as well!
  8. Day 9 It's been a week since I've gamed or looked at Twitch. How? Well, to be honest, a lot of my time has been spent watching Netflix. It's not a great alternative, but I'd still argue it's better. I still can feel the distance I've put between me and gaming, and it feels good. There were a few other things -- I have spent some more time with reading, prayer/meditation, and journaling. Not a ton of time, but going from 0 to some is a big change. I'd like to make those a daily thing. The other thing is I got sick last week. That can be a pull towards more gaming/watching gaming for me, but in this case, it wasn't that appealing, I just felt like I was resting more and not worried about who was gaming. No doubt, not having a computer has definitely made it easier. I'm not so sure I wouldn't have popped in on a game over the last week if I still had my desktop. Looking forward to stretching this out to beyond 3 weeks. I'm taking a vacation beginning tomorrow so the next week and a half I should be occupied with relaxing on the beach and spending some time with family. Overall, feeling better now than I have in quite some time..
  9. Day 2 Resetting my days b/c over the weekend I drank too much beer, and I think that led to me watching some Twitch. Laying around and being hungover is a great recipe for watching video games. It wasn't all a bad weekend though. My roommate came back from a long trip, and I was able to hang out with him a bit. We went to mass, which I haven't been to since Christmas. I also had some car problems a few days ago. The good thing is I already have my car back and its repaired. The bad thing is it was expensive, and to make matters worse, I spent heavily on some things I shouldn't have over the weekend. I got sick last night, it hit me pretty hard. At work now and just trying to get through this day. I think I can abstain from watching Twitch if I make a little more effort. I really do feel bored of it, and there's some much better options for entertainment.
  10. Day 4 So I followed through with ditching the computer. Yeah, big move. It was on my mind, I thought for a few days about what all I use it for and how necessary it was for actual important stuff. The answer was -- not much. My estimate is that at least 9 of 10 hours spent on my PC was for stuff I didn't need to do or wasn't edifying. And probably at least 80% of my time on it was a COMPLETE waste of time, watching games or porn. There are some things that I use my computer for that just make life easier, like filing my taxes or researching a passion of mine. But...most things can be done on my phone, and the pros of getting rid of it seemed to outweigh the cons. I viewed it as an experiment. Worst case scenario, I just feel I can't live without it and I grab my laptop from my Mom's house. So last Tuesday night, after having a session with my counselor, I took the first step of wiping the data. The next morning I cut the power cord so that there was no turning back. Went to work. After work, tossed it in a dumpster. I could have sold it and made some money. Or I could have had someone hold onto it and see how I got on without it first. But I just wanted to be done with it, I didn't want to be lingering around. So I've got no TV or computer, which is a drastic change from 3 weeks ago. I've already seen some results. I went through my room and got rid of a bunch of other stuff I don't need. I've spent more time meditating, praying, reading, and journaling. However, I've also switched over a lot of my entertainment habits to my phone. I can still binge watch Twitch and porn on my phone. But it hasn't been as much. It feels more manageable now. That's about it for now. I'm going on a trip to Hawaii in a few weeks with some family. There was a part of me that didn't want to go. I feel like I don't even have a steady foundation of a routine going on here, and I'd like to have that nailed down before traveling somewhere else. But I'm starting to come around to it. I think this will be a good getaway, and a great place to connect with nature.
  11. Nice, that's an interesting idea. I had watched their documentary on Netflix, and that impacted me as well. I actually read on their blog about taking it a step further and living without internet in your home. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet though (and pretty sure my roommates wouldn't be on board either).
  12. I understand your point, but I felt better taking a few days to think it over, especially what life would be like without a computer and what challenges I might take on. I'd argue that weighing pros and cons is not a waste of time. I'm glad to say I followed through with it. I had a session with my counselor that same night, and that definitely helped nudge me in that direction. So I don't have a TV and the computer is gone. Let the experiment begin. I've already seen some improvements in my habits, but I've also switched a lot of those old habits to my phone.
  13. Wanted to give an update.. In short, the last few weeks there hasn't been much change. There are 2 "moves" I'd say I made, which were going to a meeting and getting rid of my television. But those haven't given the results I need. I've still been spending a crazy amount of time numbing out in front of my computer. I'm seriously considering getting rid of my PC entirely. I've tried some things, to limit my screen time and my exposure to those bad sites. But it seems inevitable, it ends up right back in my bedroom, me spending loads of hours playing games, watching games, or browsing porn. The bottom line: what I've been trying hasn't been working. I go to counseling tonight so it'd be good to talk over this with him.
  14. Welcome! Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you've already taken a few steps in the right direction, keep it up!
  15. Thanks for the input guys. Still debating on what I'm going to do, but there's some good ideas in here.
×
×
  • Create New...