Jump to content

Welcome to all new members. We are excited to have you here.


  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Community Reputation

68 Excellent

About dwalk77

  • Rank

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    It's been a while since I've posted, a couple months. I wish I had good news to report, but to be honest, I've been doing poorly. Between porn and watching video games, my life has been a train wreck. I've spent an absurd amount of time between those 2 things over the last month or so. I thought that being January in itself and the holidays dying down would be enough in itself to push me to get some initiative. I think what I learned was I can't take days off. I can't take weeks off. I don't mean that in the sense that I can't have relaxing days from time to time. But I do mean that I can't expect to binge watch video games or porn for a day and for it NOT to affect me in the future. And if I do it for weeks, it makes it even more difficult to get out of it. There's longer term consequences than I may have expected. It's already mid-January now, and I've done no recovery work over the last few months. No confession, no meetings, no routine of gym/reading/praying/phone calls. It's not been a good last few months. It's up to me when I start getting better. My target right now is this weekend, to move my computer out of my bedroom and into my living room. That's the first thing. And then go to confession. If I do those 2 things, I already consider it a good weekend.
  2. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 5 I haven't watched any streams since Wednesday, so I will consider that my reset date. I've kept myself busy enough to not want to game or watch gaming. Today is Sunday and it's basically wide open, which is not such a great thing, b/c unplanned time for me often leads to destructive behavior. I've had a few ideas, going to see a movie or going to the gym. This time of the year always seems to be a real challenge for me. On one hand, I spend more time with my family, with warmth and love. But...on the other, there's more stress, more free time (time off from work), and less opportunity to be outdoors, both with it being colder and the days being shorter. It makes for a very good time for gaming. But it also makes for a good time for something like reading. I just have to take it one day at a time. In January, things will return to a sense of normalcy. In the meantime, have some patience, and keep myself occupied.
  3. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    It's been a little while since I've been on here, so wanted to give an update, even though things haven't been great. I haven't been gaming, but I've been watching a ton of streams. I do think gaming is worse for me than watching games, but still, my goal is not to do either. I've found a favorite streamer I like to watch, and he's been playing in some tournaments, and that's really hooked me in. I skipped work today, and part of the reason was so I could watch him play in another tourney. I also like the dopamine rush I get from watching highlights or funny moments of streamers on Youtube. It starts with one day without. I'm 33 years old, it's time for me to grow up and stop watching this stuff. It's not doing me any good. I'm meant for more than this. My target is Saturday. I will move my computer setup back into the living room, a common area, and go to a support group meeting.
  4. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Thanks for the encouragement @JustTom !
  5. dwalk77

    Hi everyone!

    Thanks for sharing Daniel, and welcome. I can relate to a lot of what you said. Being unemployed is tough. I hope you find some work soon, sounds like you've taken a few positive steps already.
  6. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Well, I did game last weekend. There was a game on my mind from a previous streamer I had watched. I was really bored. First I started watching the game being played on Youtube. Then I caved into buying the game. I was really excited about it. A simple game, but allows for some creativity. Well, after getting it installed and playing it for a few hours, it crashed. It's one of two things - my computer is not capable of handling it or the game is bugged. Regardless of which one it is, I wasn't going to buy a new computer, so that ended my run. So even though it was just for a few hours, I still count that as gaming again, and need to reset for my 90-day detox. It didn't end there though. I wish it did. But I was browsing around Twitch, and decided to check up on some of my favorite streamers from the past. Yup, they're still around. And I've been watching them a ton. I got hooked back in. If I go home from work and I game for 6 hours or I go home from work and watch a streamer game for 6 hours -- I don't think there's really not much difference between the 2 of them. Neither one does me much benefit, and in fact, they take me away from my goals and connections. So for the last week or so, I've been watching streamers about every day for multiple hours. Today is Monday, the start of the work week, and this is a good time for me to stop watching streamers. I took one step in not gaming, but I need to take another in not watching. I've been thinking about the games I like to play, or why I like watching these streamers. There's something at my core that desires nature, and to build, destroy, create. I feel so far away from that in real life.
  7. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 13 I'm surprised I've been this long without posting. 9/25 - that was the last day I gamed. About 2 weeks ago. It's still on my mind some, but the larger urges have faded. It's kind of crazy...the last day that I gamed, I opened a second Steam account and bought a $60 game that I owned already under my first Steam account. I did that b/c my first account was not accessible from my own doing. Basically, I intentionally locked myself out of it b/c I wanted to be permanently done with gaming, but then the urge to play became so strong that I opened a 2nd account. It sounds insane. I think that's part of believing in 12 Steps. The 2nd step says we are insane. I can't rely on myself for sanity. I'm glad I haven't gamed in a few weeks. As I said, I have had some urges, and to watch streams too. Honest, though, I haven't been doing great. I've been watching a ton of media and staying in my room and around the house. I sort of had a jolt last week and went out with some friends, but I consumed too much alcohol, and that set me on a worse path again. I've again decided to stop alcohol for 90 days. It's tough around the holidays, but I've done it before. I do have softball and volleyball going on right now, but it's not nearly enough. Being single and working a regular day job, I've got tons of time. Connection, that's what I really need to work on. Trying to think about planning each day out. Will boredom drive me to connection? If I give up watching TV for a while, will it drive me to getting out of my house, or will I just end up caving again?
  8. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 2 Most of yesterday was good, very good. I finally took that step of moving my computer setup back out to the living room. My roommate commented "It's nice to see you out here again", and that was really nice to hear. I also initiated some plans with my roommates, and we went out to dinner last night. I'd like to try to do that once every week or 2, this could be key in getting some accountability and connection. After dinner though, I binged on a TV series, to the point where I was watching it past 1 a.m. I feel it offsets part of the good progress I made, b/c I feel miserably tired today. I'm irritated with myself about that. I knew what I was doing, it was like a form of self-harm. I was forcing myself to stay awake, but I was determined to finish out the series. From past experience, it seems better to avoid this stuff than to try to limit it. It seems extreme though...giving up a lot of what I do (or am trying to do). Gaming, porn, social media, alcohol, caffeine. Given our culture, seems very extreme that I would choose to forgo all of those things completely. But when I leave the door cracked on these things....somehow...I think they make me less of a person. If I want to live up to my potential, I think these things distract me from it. Am I being too hard on myself? No, I don't think so. I've tried to take it easy. It's gotten me nowhere. I need to push myself, I need to be pushed. One other thing I wanted to check in about...I screwed up at work, and I'm kicking myself for it. Fortunately, it doesn't actually negatively affect my boss or the company. But I've made more work, stress, and financial worries for myself. Basically I was asked to go to a training event a long time ago, months ago. I set a reminder to make traveling arrangements. I blew off the reminder, I procrastinated, multiple times. I looked at the calendar today, and realized the event is 5 days away, and I have no hotel arrangements. The training is in a downtown area, so nearby hotels are not cheap. I've never traveled with my company before, so there's a process to working with a 3rd party, who will book the stay and reimburse you. But apparently I have to get a profile set up through our traveling department, and I haven't heard back from them yet. So it looks like I may be paying out of pocket for this and staying somewhere farther away. all due to me. I didn't want to go in the first place to this, but this just makes it a lot worse. I guess the one good thing is it'll all be over with come end of next week.
  9. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Back...to the beginning again... In my last post, about a week ago, I listed out 2 things for me to do. I did the first one, getting my haircut. I did not do the second...which may have been more important. I put it off. And then the weekend started to come around. And I knew it was going to be rainy most of the weekend, a great time for gaming. And that's what happened. Another weekend of bingeing on gaming. I hit it right after work on Friday, then all day Saturday, then all day Sunday. Went to work yesterday, but right after, was back at it. Today I "worked from home", but b/c I had my computer and TV setup in my bedroom, I spent a lot of the day gaming on one monitor while keeping tabs on work on the other. I wouldn't be surprised if I've put 50 hours of gaming in within the last 5 days. Which is a ridiculous amount of time. Funny thing is, I distinctly said after gaming on Saturday, "I don't like this game". And I don't. I don't like the game I've been playing so much. But...I've been determined to beat it a certain way, play it a certain way. And it hasn't worked out the way I've had in mind. The game isn't designed to be played the way I've been trying to play it. I feel like I've been doing a puzzle, and trying to force a square piece into a round hole....just isn't working. Well, today I had enough. I'd started about the 8th game or so. And I was getting bored of it. A complete game can last 12 hours or more. I didn't want to put that much more time into it. It was time to move on. So I finally took action. I deleted my Steam account. Not just an uninstall, but changed to a random password and changed my e-mail to a temporary e-mail that now doesn't exist. There's probably a way I can get it back if I really wanted to (as I've learned in the past), but it's not easy. I just need to have a few days away from it. Let my mind clear itself. Meditate, pray, read, walk....these will help me to reset. Still need to move the computer back. When? End of day tomorrow.
  10. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 1 Last night I finished up by watching a movie by myself. I did have some beer, but it was in moderation. Still, I'd like to go cold-turkey with it soon. I don't see any reason why I can't start today, giving it up for a week, then extending it from there. A much better start to the day today. At first, I had some thoughts of texting into work. I get these quite often. I overcame the thoughts, I came to work. What worked for me today? Didn't dwell on it. I didn't try to wrestle with it. Instead, I just kept moving. Brush teeth, move on. Take shower, move on. Get out of the damn house, move on. If I allow myself to sit and ponder things, live in my own head, that's when I'll end up not going in. Also, the thought of breaking it down, "granola bar style" as one of my previous counselors described it. For example: "Okay, I don't want to go to work. Take a shower and get dressed." Then when you've done that, move on to the next. "Okay, I still don't want to go. Drive half-way there." You're nudging yourself along without looking at the huge road ahead. Sort of like running long-distance. Get through the first mile. Don't think about the entire distance. I came into work and attacked it. I worked hard the first few hours. I feel like things are manageable again, not as piled up. I have 2 things on my to-do list today: Get a haircut Move my computer back into the living room I was thinking..some people talk everyday about what they did the night before and how work is going. Every single day they have someone to talk to. It's not just the generic "I watched some TV last night", they are specific about what they watched. Or, I'm just going to chill this weekend or hang out with some friends. They tell exactly where they went or what they did, and the other person listens, and wants to know. I don't have that. I may have something like that with friends and family in high school, maybe a little in college....but now...it's not there. And I think that's important, to have connections like that. For accountability, for friendship, for connection. Something for me to think about. That desire is real, and I think warranted. I've gotten so attached to my privacy, but in the end it's left me a boring and selfish person.
  11. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Well crap... I'm back to 0. Today is Labor Day, I had a 3-day weekend to myself, and I knew I'd have a ton of time to fill in. I haven't been doing well with my other addiction, and that certainly facilitated me getting into gaming again. I probably gamed for around 20 hours total. I looked around at streamers playthroughs as well. It was certainly a binge. I worked from home for work today, but I basically got 0 work done. I had temporarily moved my computer setup from the living room to the bedroom, and got 2 monitors setup today so I could game on one while keeping tabs on work with the other. It wasn't very fulfilling. I felt like a slob. My room was a mess from the trash of fast food and not picking up after myself. A lot of negative thoughts today. The other addiction blew up in my face this weekend. But...things turned around a bit a few hours ago. I picked up my room. That certainly helped psychologically. And I just uninstalled Steam. I know, those 2 things in themselves aren't going to save me. But, it's a step in the right direction. No more gaming or watching gamers, starting now. One day at a time. Starts with tonight. Watch some TV, some movies, take a walk. Just don't game. I can do it.
  12. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 18 Things are looking up, especially since yesterday. I went to a group meeting I haven't been to in a while. Brother is in town this weekend, be good to see him for a bit. He and his friend do game a lot, so I need to be aware of that. I expect we'll have a few drinks tonight, so also need to be aware of not drinking too much.
  13. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 14 Today is 2 weeks. I avoided gaming or Twitch over the weekend, which is my most common time for me to give into it. I did a good job of connecting this weekend, hung out with my roommate on Friday and an old buddy on Saturday. I drank too much Saturday, which is something for me to watch out for. We used Uber though, so that was a good move. I've been obsessed with disc golf lately, which is a much more healthy obsession than something like gaming, but I also need to make sure it's not ruling over me.
  14. dwalk77

    My Gaming Addiction Story

    Welcome Matt, and thanks for sharing your story!
  15. Welcome! Thanks for writing so much of your thoughts, there are a lot of quotes in there I can really relate to