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dwalk77

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  1. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 29 I had my car towed to the shop this morning. On one hand, it's not how I wanted it to go down. I would have rather the car started on its own and me not have to pay the tow fee. On the other, the tow fee was less than I expected and the process was actually pretty quick and painless. Progress was made. Now I can have peace of mind my car is where it should be, at the shop, rather than sitting in a parking lot. I should hear back about the car by the end of the day. I'm hoping I can get it back within the next few days and it'll be $200 or less, but we'll see. I set a goal of working for 4 hours today. I've worked about 2 and 1/2. I had some initial motivation after getting the car done this morning, but it's sort of dissipated and I don't feel like doing any more. I feel checked out, want to put it off until tomorrow. Feeling a bit down right now, unmotivated to do anything. Being behind on work and the car in the shop contribute to the feeling. I did just do some reading of past journal entries, and I realized I haven't reached out to my ex-girlfriend in 15 months. Once I found out she got married, I never contacted her again. Some may not understand, but that's a big deal for me. I was having a real hard time keeping boundaries with her. Granted, she did the same with me, but not to the same extent, and not after a certain point. It's tough sometimes, to think back on her. I don't think the pain will truly ease until I face myself and work on some things.
  2. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Well, I wanted to check in.. After that last post I slipped. I did not game, but I gave into Twitch. I rationalized it would be okay for me to go to Twitch out of "curiosity". I was curious what games are the most popular to be streamed right now as opposed to when I was watching a little while back, and if a certain streamer I like had changed things up or not. Well, I set myself up for failure. Once I got to the website and got answers to those questions, I naturally wanted to poke around a bit more, and I found some content that I really wanted to watch. So I ended watching streams until about 3 in the morning and got 4 hours of sleep last night. It made for a miserable day at work today. This is on top of the stress and frustration of my vehicle being broken down...and work has just been tough lately. I'm really thankful I went in today. I would be in a much, much worse position if I didn't have my job, and I should respect it. I think I can bounce back from this and continue with the no gaming/no streaming resolution. I read that It takes 2-3 days to break a good habit. I believe there's something to that. In other words, if I withdrawal from gaming for 3 months and then game for a few hours one day...if I wish to go back to abstaining, the chances are much lower if I stretch that one day of gaming into three days of gaming. And so in my situation - it's very important I don't go back to watching streams for the next couple of days. I believe I can do that. Car situation still sucks, but tomorrow I'm going to make a decision to have it towed if it doesn't start, so at least I can move onto the next phase with that. Work from home tomorrow, which has spelled basically doing 0 work the last few weeks. I know it'll be a bit distracting with dealing with my car too, but I need to try to knock out a solid 4 hours of work. It's not ideal, but it would be a big improvement on my track history this year. I was planning to just come in and not work from home going forward, but this vehicle situation is a legitimate reason to stay here and take care of that.
  3. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 27 Wow, it's sort of surprising it's almost been a month since I've played a game or watched a stream. On one hand, I can see the changes over the last month. I've been better about getting to bed on time, separating myself from technology, and leaving myself open to different things. I've also had some days where I've worked really hard and I'm proud of that. More hard working days with less gaming. But..there's still so much room for improvement. I've sort of been living in limbo, on the fence -- not dedicating myself to recovery or God. This week was not good, both in terms of what was in my control and what was not. I worked from home on Tuesday and did almost no work. Both of my roommates were out of town on Wednesday so I used a sick day at work even though I was fine. So that was 2 wasted days, just sitting around the house. I felt really down, especially Wednesday. And by me not doing any work those 2 days, it made for more work when I got back in the office, a lot more work. I did a decent amount of work Thursday and Friday, but I still felt a bit defeated. I hate the feeling that you're never catching up. You take care of one thing but then another thing pops up. I felt down on Friday too. Been doing terrible with my other addiction. Then Saturday my car wouldn't start. It's not a simple problem like the battery. It will randomly start sometimes and not start at others. I've had this issue with this car before, I ended up having to take it to the dealership, which I try to avoid if at all possible. The car thing is really frustrating, I didn't take it well. I used that to rationalize making poor decisions over the weekend, as though I needed to do some stupid stuff to cope. The car is still sitting in the Walmart parking lot. I don't want to pay to have it towed, but if it doesn't start in the next few days, it seems I may need to. I hate having this sort of stuff hanging over my head. Car problems are never ending. And the irony is, I could easily have a more reliable car if I just made better decisions over the last few years. It's tempting to just buy one with a loan, but I know that's really stupid, especially in my situation since I've still got heaps of debt. Forecasting...I hope this week goes better. I hope the car issue can be resolved by the end of the week. I hope I get caught up with work, at least for the most part. I hope I don't make poor decisions and rationalizing "coping" again. If I went to a support group, that would be a huge step for me. Grateful for: I have a spare car right now. My mom and aunt drove up with a spare car at my Mom's house. That's a huge break for me so I'm not relying on others to take me around. Weather has warmed up the last few days and it's been quite nice Found a book I enjoy
  4. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 20 It's almost been 3 weeks. Making my way towards 90 days. During the week, I've been very busy with work. I don't particularly like my job, but it's been a great way to keep my mind off of gaming for huge chunks of time. It brings structure to my life. I'm grateful for it. I'm in a situation where I need a job. I've got loads of debt. I've had enough work that I even thought of logging in over this weekend. But I think I'll be alright. If I need to, I can stay late a few days next week. Keep work at work. I think that's important for my sanity. Weekends continue to be my major trigger. This weekend was a large amount of unplanned time, again. It's not good. I can't expect continuing to spend so much time alone over the weekends and getting away not falling back to gaming or watching games. Yesterday I spent a good amount of time writing, and then later working on getting my room together. My roommate invited me to a party last night. I said no. Instead I just basically did nothing. I felt alot of negative feelings about telling him no. I guess that was an indicator it was a bad answer. That was a great opportunity for me to get out, which was exactly what I needed, and he also made himself vulnerable by asking me to go. Sure, I could give the excuse that he didn't give me much notice and I wasn't in the "mindset" of going out. But that's just part of life - adjusting and being open to experiences. Today, last day before the week starts. Not much going on today either. I have a goal to get off of caffeine, which I've done in the past. Today is the first day. We'll see how it goes, I expect I'll get a headache at some point today and feel more tired throughout as well. I've been watching a lot of a TV show lately, which is preferable to gaming, but also not all that fulfilling. I was thinking this morning how I'd like to just watch TV in my room alot of the day, but I don't have a TV in there. This is by design. I should think about what's stopping me from watching alot of TV in our living room. Is it shame? Is it b/c I don't want to be exposed to my roommates or don't want them to interrupt my focus?
  5. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 13 Almost 2 weeks with no gaming or watching streamers. It feels good to have some distance from that. I did have some temptation this weekend. Friday after work I was sort of torn about what to do. I wanted to stay out of trouble, and I debated on calling a friend. He's not exactly the best influence (we're almost always drinking), but on the other hand, it seemed hanging out with him was preferable to me either giving into video games again or acting out with my other addiction. So I called him up and went over to his place. We did drink alot. I drank too much. But, I'm glad I got to catch up with him, and grateful that we also got to catch some good live music and get a few games of darts in. I went over to my Mom's Saturday to drop off a laptop I just bought. I like having one over there since she doesn't have a good computer over there. I intentionally bought one that is small and doesn't have the power to play games, or at least the advanced ones (it also worked out b/c it was cheaper). The house she lives in is where I essentially started and developed the gaming part of my life. We still have a ton of old games and some of the older systems there. Since she was working I had the house to myself most of the day, and it was an idea to pull out one of those old ones for nostalgia's sake. But I didn't. Spent some time organizing my computer stuff, trying to keep the setup efficient and to a minimum. Today was another open day. I watched a few episodes of anime. Seemed like a much better alternative than gaming. It did an effective job of killing the time. Tomorrow begins the workweek again. Work has been tough lately, more problems and work than usual. I've been putting in more hours. It can be stressful and frustrating, but it also gives me a sense of purpose to do this much work. Feel like I'm earning my paycheck. I set my alarm for 10 minutes earlier for tomorrow. I want to shift my schedule a little earlier, now that I'm legitimately putting in at least 8 hours a day. I've also used work to rationalize out of doing things after work. I want to get to a recovery group again. I'm not happy with my life. I want to connect with a woman, but I know I'm not ready. My goal is to go to one on Tuesday night, even if it's a long day at work, even if I'm tired or some other excuse seems to come up. Change is not comfortable.
  6. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Last time to game was on Monday, 2/11. I gamed after my last post on here. It was a Sunday afternoon. I had just had some lunch with my Dad and the rest of my day was wide open. The game was still lingering on my mind, and I went for it. I beat the "challenge" I had struggled so long with, but it came with a price. I texted into work on Monday morning to play the game some more. That's 3 unplanned PTO days I've used already this year. Just doesn't look good. I also started another map in the game after I finished that game, but I quit mid-game b/c I was just sick and bored of the game. Tuesday came, and I made some efforts to improve my life again. I actually worked for a few hours, which isn't the ideal amount, but it's a hell of a lot better than 0 hours. I took some initiative to get some car repairs done that I had put off for quite some time. And maybe more importantly, I moved my damn computer from my bedroom to the living room again. Since I made that move, I've not watched Twitch or played any games. I've also tried something new where I keep my phone outside my bedroom when I go to bed at night. I'm using an alarm clock to wake up now instead of my phone. So far it's been great. Unplugging at night has ensured I get to bed at a decent hour, and it gives me a reason to read. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday I worked more than a 8-hour full shift at work. In my 8-year career at my company, I've never done that. I don't feel I'm owed anything. Rather, I feel as much as I've slacked off, I owe my company. Work has been stressful lately as I've had more than I can handle in a day and I feel I'm always trying to catch up. I also feel concerned my company doesn't think through some of its decisions and am seeing some of the ramifications of that. But at the end of the day, if I can say I put in 8 hours of hard work, I feel a sense of pride and okay about myself. If I treat work like I did the first 2 days of the week, I can't have much confidence I'll be able to keep my job. But if I continue to treat work like I did the last 3 days of the week, it's reasonable to think management has my back and will want to keep me around. My best approach is for me to put my head down and grind away, trusting that God is with me, even in the lowest of lows. So today is Day 6. I'm counting days again and my ultimate goal is 90. I won't say the game didn't come to mind throughout this weekend. Or that I don't have this other huge issue of lust that I've really got to get some help with. But...six days without gaming is the best I've done for quite some time, and it feels good to be unplugged from it for a while.
  7. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    I've had a hard time letting go of a certain game. The last few weeks has been somewhat frightening b/c I've really pushed things farther than I have in a long time. Here are some examples of flags: I stayed up until 5 a.m. one morning playing a game when i had a wedding to go to with some close friends the next day. It's extremely rare for me to stay up that late, and even more so from gaming. I work typical shifts for my job during the week, so to completely flip my sleep schedule like that takes a lot of drive b/c I'm usually very tired if I'm up past midnight. There was another instance early this morning where I woke up in the middle of the night, around 3 a.m., and my adrenaline was pumping so much to play this game that I started playing the game around 3:30 a.m. This is another thing that is unheard of in my life. In the past, if I fell into gaming, it was usually on the weekends. But starting to play in the middle of the night during the week. I don't know if I've ever done that before. These changes in sleep patterns are bad for my body. As I'm getting older, I'm less able to adaptive to those sort of changes. I feel worse. If I'm playing a game at 3 in the morning, I feel like crap, but the game has been enough to numb that bad feeling. Along with the sleep schedule change I've been drinking energy drinks, coffee, and soda. I believe the caffeine is also harmful to my body. Not only is it bad for my body, but messing with my sleep schedule puts my job at risk. If I'm running on 3 hours of sleep, I'm not going to want to go to work. On Tuesdays I get to work from home. Since the new year came around, most Tuesdays I've done next to no work. Today I gamed during work hours. I had 2 monitors set up and would regularly click on the "work monitor" to make it show I'm available. Every Tuesday this year I've had my computer in my bedroom. It's not good for me. If my boss caught on to how little work I was really doing here, I could expect consequences. Besides that, I just feel guilty about being on the clock and not doing anything. It's a rotten feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's so different than actually working hard for a day and feeling good about myself. Piling up trash in my bedroom, mostly fast food Eating in my bedroom, piling up dishes in my room instead of washing them after I'm done Intentionally avoiding my roommates. Waiting until I know they're not in the kitchen so I can sneak in there and get some food or something to drink. Watching streamers and searching for people playing the same game I've been playing More times of just feeling depressed or hopeless. This is where I"ve been in 2019. It's been crap. I can point to a few positive things, but most days it's been bad. Today started out as a tough day, starting to game in the wee hours of the morning. I failed at the game. Then I tried again after some sleep and failed the game again. And I did no work today. It's hard for me to let go of the game b/c I never beat a certain difficulty/level. It feels like I'm backing away from a challenge. Like it was a puzzle that I didn't finish. If I put more effort and time into it, I could beat it. The accomplishment side of me really wants to achieve completing that last task. But I said no today. I'm tired of the game. I'm tired of feeling like I'm forced to play it rather than actually having joy. I'm tired of it feeling like a burden. I'm tired of the frustration of losing, tired of me saying "one more time" and it not being one more time. I realize there are people trying to make money on the other side of the game. They are spending countless hours trying to make the game addictive. I realize the game is flawed. I realize I feel a million times better after playing a few hours of disc golf than I do playing a few hours of a video game. I uninstalled the game and Steam. I cleaned the house, did some laundry, and got some sleep. I watched @Cam Adair 's documentary. It helped. It helped me to slow down. I'm so thankful for this community. I hope today is a day is the start to something better.
  8. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Thanks Zombie, I think that's a great idea! I'll try to put that to use
  9. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    It's been a while since I've posted, a couple months. I wish I had good news to report, but to be honest, I've been doing poorly. Between porn and watching video games, my life has been a train wreck. I've spent an absurd amount of time between those 2 things over the last month or so. I thought that being January in itself and the holidays dying down would be enough in itself to push me to get some initiative. I think what I learned was I can't take days off. I can't take weeks off. I don't mean that in the sense that I can't have relaxing days from time to time. But I do mean that I can't expect to binge watch video games or porn for a day and for it NOT to affect me in the future. And if I do it for weeks, it makes it even more difficult to get out of it. There's longer term consequences than I may have expected. It's already mid-January now, and I've done no recovery work over the last few months. No confession, no meetings, no routine of gym/reading/praying/phone calls. It's not been a good last few months. It's up to me when I start getting better. My target right now is this weekend, to move my computer out of my bedroom and into my living room. That's the first thing. And then go to confession. If I do those 2 things, I already consider it a good weekend.
  10. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 5 I haven't watched any streams since Wednesday, so I will consider that my reset date. I've kept myself busy enough to not want to game or watch gaming. Today is Sunday and it's basically wide open, which is not such a great thing, b/c unplanned time for me often leads to destructive behavior. I've had a few ideas, going to see a movie or going to the gym. This time of the year always seems to be a real challenge for me. On one hand, I spend more time with my family, with warmth and love. But...on the other, there's more stress, more free time (time off from work), and less opportunity to be outdoors, both with it being colder and the days being shorter. It makes for a very good time for gaming. But it also makes for a good time for something like reading. I just have to take it one day at a time. In January, things will return to a sense of normalcy. In the meantime, have some patience, and keep myself occupied.
  11. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    It's been a little while since I've been on here, so wanted to give an update, even though things haven't been great. I haven't been gaming, but I've been watching a ton of streams. I do think gaming is worse for me than watching games, but still, my goal is not to do either. I've found a favorite streamer I like to watch, and he's been playing in some tournaments, and that's really hooked me in. I skipped work today, and part of the reason was so I could watch him play in another tourney. I also like the dopamine rush I get from watching highlights or funny moments of streamers on Youtube. It starts with one day without. I'm 33 years old, it's time for me to grow up and stop watching this stuff. It's not doing me any good. I'm meant for more than this. My target is Saturday. I will move my computer setup back into the living room, a common area, and go to a support group meeting.
  12. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Thanks for the encouragement @JustTom !
  13. dwalk77

    Hi everyone!

    Thanks for sharing Daniel, and welcome. I can relate to a lot of what you said. Being unemployed is tough. I hope you find some work soon, sounds like you've taken a few positive steps already.
  14. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Well, I did game last weekend. There was a game on my mind from a previous streamer I had watched. I was really bored. First I started watching the game being played on Youtube. Then I caved into buying the game. I was really excited about it. A simple game, but allows for some creativity. Well, after getting it installed and playing it for a few hours, it crashed. It's one of two things - my computer is not capable of handling it or the game is bugged. Regardless of which one it is, I wasn't going to buy a new computer, so that ended my run. So even though it was just for a few hours, I still count that as gaming again, and need to reset for my 90-day detox. It didn't end there though. I wish it did. But I was browsing around Twitch, and decided to check up on some of my favorite streamers from the past. Yup, they're still around. And I've been watching them a ton. I got hooked back in. If I go home from work and I game for 6 hours or I go home from work and watch a streamer game for 6 hours -- I don't think there's really not much difference between the 2 of them. Neither one does me much benefit, and in fact, they take me away from my goals and connections. So for the last week or so, I've been watching streamers about every day for multiple hours. Today is Monday, the start of the work week, and this is a good time for me to stop watching streamers. I took one step in not gaming, but I need to take another in not watching. I've been thinking about the games I like to play, or why I like watching these streamers. There's something at my core that desires nature, and to build, destroy, create. I feel so far away from that in real life.
  15. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 13 I'm surprised I've been this long without posting. 9/25 - that was the last day I gamed. About 2 weeks ago. It's still on my mind some, but the larger urges have faded. It's kind of crazy...the last day that I gamed, I opened a second Steam account and bought a $60 game that I owned already under my first Steam account. I did that b/c my first account was not accessible from my own doing. Basically, I intentionally locked myself out of it b/c I wanted to be permanently done with gaming, but then the urge to play became so strong that I opened a 2nd account. It sounds insane. I think that's part of believing in 12 Steps. The 2nd step says we are insane. I can't rely on myself for sanity. I'm glad I haven't gamed in a few weeks. As I said, I have had some urges, and to watch streams too. Honest, though, I haven't been doing great. I've been watching a ton of media and staying in my room and around the house. I sort of had a jolt last week and went out with some friends, but I consumed too much alcohol, and that set me on a worse path again. I've again decided to stop alcohol for 90 days. It's tough around the holidays, but I've done it before. I do have softball and volleyball going on right now, but it's not nearly enough. Being single and working a regular day job, I've got tons of time. Connection, that's what I really need to work on. Trying to think about planning each day out. Will boredom drive me to connection? If I give up watching TV for a while, will it drive me to getting out of my house, or will I just end up caving again?
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