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dwalk77

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  1. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 2 Most of yesterday was good, very good. I finally took that step of moving my computer setup back out to the living room. My roommate commented "It's nice to see you out here again", and that was really nice to hear. I also initiated some plans with my roommates, and we went out to dinner last night. I'd like to try to do that once every week or 2, this could be key in getting some accountability and connection. After dinner though, I binged on a TV series, to the point where I was watching it past 1 a.m. I feel it offsets part of the good progress I made, b/c I feel miserably tired today. I'm irritated with myself about that. I knew what I was doing, it was like a form of self-harm. I was forcing myself to stay awake, but I was determined to finish out the series. From past experience, it seems better to avoid this stuff than to try to limit it. It seems extreme though...giving up a lot of what I do (or am trying to do). Gaming, porn, social media, alcohol, caffeine. Given our culture, seems very extreme that I would choose to forgo all of those things completely. But when I leave the door cracked on these things....somehow...I think they make me less of a person. If I want to live up to my potential, I think these things distract me from it. Am I being too hard on myself? No, I don't think so. I've tried to take it easy. It's gotten me nowhere. I need to push myself, I need to be pushed. One other thing I wanted to check in about...I screwed up at work, and I'm kicking myself for it. Fortunately, it doesn't actually negatively affect my boss or the company. But I've made more work, stress, and financial worries for myself. Basically I was asked to go to a training event a long time ago, months ago. I set a reminder to make traveling arrangements. I blew off the reminder, I procrastinated, multiple times. I looked at the calendar today, and realized the event is 5 days away, and I have no hotel arrangements. The training is in a downtown area, so nearby hotels are not cheap. I've never traveled with my company before, so there's a process to working with a 3rd party, who will book the stay and reimburse you. But apparently I have to get a profile set up through our traveling department, and I haven't heard back from them yet. So it looks like I may be paying out of pocket for this and staying somewhere farther away. all due to me. I didn't want to go in the first place to this, but this just makes it a lot worse. I guess the one good thing is it'll all be over with come end of next week.
  2. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Back...to the beginning again... In my last post, about a week ago, I listed out 2 things for me to do. I did the first one, getting my haircut. I did not do the second...which may have been more important. I put it off. And then the weekend started to come around. And I knew it was going to be rainy most of the weekend, a great time for gaming. And that's what happened. Another weekend of bingeing on gaming. I hit it right after work on Friday, then all day Saturday, then all day Sunday. Went to work yesterday, but right after, was back at it. Today I "worked from home", but b/c I had my computer and TV setup in my bedroom, I spent a lot of the day gaming on one monitor while keeping tabs on work on the other. I wouldn't be surprised if I've put 50 hours of gaming in within the last 5 days. Which is a ridiculous amount of time. Funny thing is, I distinctly said after gaming on Saturday, "I don't like this game". And I don't. I don't like the game I've been playing so much. But...I've been determined to beat it a certain way, play it a certain way. And it hasn't worked out the way I've had in mind. The game isn't designed to be played the way I've been trying to play it. I feel like I've been doing a puzzle, and trying to force a square piece into a round hole....just isn't working. Well, today I had enough. I'd started about the 8th game or so. And I was getting bored of it. A complete game can last 12 hours or more. I didn't want to put that much more time into it. It was time to move on. So I finally took action. I deleted my Steam account. Not just an uninstall, but changed to a random password and changed my e-mail to a temporary e-mail that now doesn't exist. There's probably a way I can get it back if I really wanted to (as I've learned in the past), but it's not easy. I just need to have a few days away from it. Let my mind clear itself. Meditate, pray, read, walk....these will help me to reset. Still need to move the computer back. When? End of day tomorrow.
  3. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 1 Last night I finished up by watching a movie by myself. I did have some beer, but it was in moderation. Still, I'd like to go cold-turkey with it soon. I don't see any reason why I can't start today, giving it up for a week, then extending it from there. A much better start to the day today. At first, I had some thoughts of texting into work. I get these quite often. I overcame the thoughts, I came to work. What worked for me today? Didn't dwell on it. I didn't try to wrestle with it. Instead, I just kept moving. Brush teeth, move on. Take shower, move on. Get out of the damn house, move on. If I allow myself to sit and ponder things, live in my own head, that's when I'll end up not going in. Also, the thought of breaking it down, "granola bar style" as one of my previous counselors described it. For example: "Okay, I don't want to go to work. Take a shower and get dressed." Then when you've done that, move on to the next. "Okay, I still don't want to go. Drive half-way there." You're nudging yourself along without looking at the huge road ahead. Sort of like running long-distance. Get through the first mile. Don't think about the entire distance. I came into work and attacked it. I worked hard the first few hours. I feel like things are manageable again, not as piled up. I have 2 things on my to-do list today: Get a haircut Move my computer back into the living room I was thinking..some people talk everyday about what they did the night before and how work is going. Every single day they have someone to talk to. It's not just the generic "I watched some TV last night", they are specific about what they watched. Or, I'm just going to chill this weekend or hang out with some friends. They tell exactly where they went or what they did, and the other person listens, and wants to know. I don't have that. I may have something like that with friends and family in high school, maybe a little in college....but now...it's not there. And I think that's important, to have connections like that. For accountability, for friendship, for connection. Something for me to think about. That desire is real, and I think warranted. I've gotten so attached to my privacy, but in the end it's left me a boring and selfish person.
  4. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Well crap... I'm back to 0. Today is Labor Day, I had a 3-day weekend to myself, and I knew I'd have a ton of time to fill in. I haven't been doing well with my other addiction, and that certainly facilitated me getting into gaming again. I probably gamed for around 20 hours total. I looked around at streamers playthroughs as well. It was certainly a binge. I worked from home for work today, but I basically got 0 work done. I had temporarily moved my computer setup from the living room to the bedroom, and got 2 monitors setup today so I could game on one while keeping tabs on work with the other. It wasn't very fulfilling. I felt like a slob. My room was a mess from the trash of fast food and not picking up after myself. A lot of negative thoughts today. The other addiction blew up in my face this weekend. But...things turned around a bit a few hours ago. I picked up my room. That certainly helped psychologically. And I just uninstalled Steam. I know, those 2 things in themselves aren't going to save me. But, it's a step in the right direction. No more gaming or watching gamers, starting now. One day at a time. Starts with tonight. Watch some TV, some movies, take a walk. Just don't game. I can do it.
  5. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 18 Things are looking up, especially since yesterday. I went to a group meeting I haven't been to in a while. Brother is in town this weekend, be good to see him for a bit. He and his friend do game a lot, so I need to be aware of that. I expect we'll have a few drinks tonight, so also need to be aware of not drinking too much.
  6. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 14 Today is 2 weeks. I avoided gaming or Twitch over the weekend, which is my most common time for me to give into it. I did a good job of connecting this weekend, hung out with my roommate on Friday and an old buddy on Saturday. I drank too much Saturday, which is something for me to watch out for. We used Uber though, so that was a good move. I've been obsessed with disc golf lately, which is a much more healthy obsession than something like gaming, but I also need to make sure it's not ruling over me.
  7. dwalk77

    My Gaming Addiction Story

    Welcome Matt, and thanks for sharing your story!
  8. Welcome! Thanks for writing so much of your thoughts, there are a lot of quotes in there I can really relate to
  9. dwalk77

    Dad to 14 yr old boy

    Hey Paul, Thanks for sharing. I'm not a father, but I was also into gaming when I was his age. I agree with Jeremie. It may be difficult and he'll likely aggressively resist at first, but I think the best way to approach this is a zero-tolerance policy on any gaming in your house. It is your house, not his. Firm love. Think of some ways you can bond with him or get him involved with peers his age (that aren't into gaming).
  10. Thanks for sharing Sini, I read through the entire post, that was well written and detailed. You've probably helped others more than you know by writing that out. I commend you on having the courage to come here and seek help. As Cam mentioned, being honest with yourself about it being a problem is a huge first step. It's taken me a while to realize that with some things it's better to just go cold turkey than try to control them.
  11. dwalk77

    Hello, I'm Dernbu.

    Welcome Dernbu! Good for you for coming here and admitting to others it's a problem. At least for me, when I talk about it with others, it becomes more real. I know you didn't ask for advice on this, but you may think about worst-case scenario with telling your parents. What's the worst that will come of it? I understand you don't feel like telling them, but sometimes making the better decision doesn't always feel good. And sometimes, you'll feel better after you do it. Anyways, see ya around, good luck with your journey for 90 days!
  12. dwalk77

    First Post

    Welcome Will! I can relate to consuming too much Youtube. I've had a few nights this week where I continued to watch even though my brain was fried and I was well past my bedtime. So this made for some crappy days at work. This may not apply to you, but one thing that has helped me is not keeping my phone charged by my bed overnight. I hope you find the forum useful, see ya around!
  13. dwalk77

    Thanks for having me!

    Welcome Julie!
  14. dwalk77

    Derek - Introduction

    Welcome Derek!
  15. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Journal

    Day 9 Been over a week, that's great. Yesterday was not an easy one. I was eating junk food (dr pepper and pizza), and I also fell into some porn after about a week away from it, so was feeling negative about that. I've missed a few opportunities the last few days to be in a group/community atmosphere. Doesn't do much good to beat myself up about it. I texted my roommate earlier and asked if he'd be interested in working out together. It sounds like he's down, and we're going to try to get a plan together tonight. I feel excited about that. If I could start working out just a few times a week, I really think that could be a huge benefit to my life. There are a few negative thoughts and fears such as I'm not going to know what I'm doing and the gym is going to be too busy when I'm there. One step at a time. First step is to show up there one time. I will get the membership Friday
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