Jump to content

NEW PODCAST: Why Twitch Is Destroying Your Mindset and Keeping You from Success


  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Community Reputation

99 Excellent

About dwalk77

  • Rank

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. Wanted to give an update.. In short, the last few weeks there hasn't been much change. There are 2 "moves" I'd say I made, which were going to a meeting and getting rid of my television. But those haven't given the results I need. I've still been spending a crazy amount of time numbing out in front of my computer. I'm seriously considering getting rid of my PC entirely. I've tried some things, to limit my screen time and my exposure to those bad sites. But it seems inevitable, it ends up right back in my bedroom, me spending loads of hours playing games, watching games, or browsing porn. The bottom line: what I've been trying hasn't been working. I go to counseling tonight so it'd be good to talk over this with him.
  2. Welcome! Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you've already taken a few steps in the right direction, keep it up!
  3. Thanks for the input guys. Still debating on what I'm going to do, but there's some good ideas in here.
  4. I know this may sound a little extreme, but I'm considering ditching my personal computer because I'm so damned attached to the thing. Does anyone else have experience with this or have any thoughts on it? It's sort of tricky b/c I use it for things other than entertainment too, but I've been thinking about it and....I don't use it for work, I'm not in school, and I'd say at least 90% of my time on it is used for entertainment. I'm thinking for those "computer things" I could either use my phone or go to a library. I know that getting rid of my computer isn't going to solve my problems, but I also feel like it's a step in the right direction, and it could make change easier. I fully expect it to be a pain in the butt and inconvenient, especially at first, but if it helps me to change to a better person I think it'd be worth it.
  5. Warning - this is going to be a long post, and I don’t expect anyone to read through all of it. But I’ve found that writing on this site, with the possibility of others reading it, drives me to write more and think more about what I’m writing. And I like to write. Basically wanted to get caught up after my vacation. The New Year is here. Yesterday was my first day returning to work after a 2-week break . No surprise, but I pushed the limits the night before my first day back. I went to bed well beyond “bed time”. It wasn’t gaming or even watching gaming. It was the Internet. Youtube. I found a musically talented guy, and I just couldn’t freaking stop watching his videos. I paid the price and got about 4 hours of sleep. Four hours isn’t going to cut it. Not sustainable. I’m thankful to be back in the routine of work though. Sometimes work is boring, sometimes it’s stressful. But I realize I need that structure in my life. I can’t rely on myself to create that structure. In my 2 weeks off, there basically was no structure. I developed habits of going to bed late and sleeping in. I overate and overdrank. I had lots of energy drinks. I completely indulged in my porn/sex addiction. And I spent more time in isolation within that period than I have in quite some time. There was a 4-day period in which I basically had 0 interactions with other people (I say basically b/c I went out to get some food and maybe talked to my roommate for a couple minutes). I also made up a lie about feeling sick so I could skip out on family Christmas on my Mom’s side. She has a big family, and it felt like too much mental effort to see everyone. I barely wanted to see anybody, much less 20 people. I don’t like parties in my current state of mind. Too much conversing, I’m not good at it. And it just seems boring. It doesn’t give the same mental hits that I get from this other entertainment I’ve been immersed in. So what did I do during that 4-day period? Watching stuff, mostly watching gaming. It does seem kind of funny that I’m seeing talking to people sounds “boring” when I’m choosing instead to sit in a recliner in front of a TV all day. The break wasn’t ALL bad though. The beginning of the break was much better, where I did spend time with family. And I did have fun with them. We played some games, we shared some great food, we watched some good entertainment. And I’m grateful for that. But about half the break, especially the last part…was just not good at all. I knew going into this period I wasn’t going to “work” at being better. I left myself open to indulging in whatever I felt like doing. And what did that end up looking like? Well, to be honest, self-destruction. Yeah, it felt good, being comfortable in my cave, watching all the porn and video games I wanted, having some delicious food, caffeine for some energy, alcohol to give me that buzz. It felt damn good . That “cozy” feeling of being comfortable, intensified by that cold weather. But…that feeling…it’s not deep. It’s fleeting. There is no intimacy there. And I need intimacy in my life. I’ve tried and tried to numb my self to that, but isolation doesn’t work. I could play the best games, experience the best sex with the most beautiful women, watch the best entertainment, have the best “buzz” from food or alcohol, but it’s not going to be enough. None of that will ever compare to person-to-person intimacy. What I’m saying is I need people in my life, and there’s no way around that. And that’s another crucial part of getting back to work. There’s people around me. We socialize 5 days of the week. We all need to make a living, so it’s not “optional” to come here. I can’t just “bail” on work. Well, that’s my rambling for now.. What’s next? Getting back into the work routine is a start. It’s going to force me to be around people more often, and not be in front of my own tv/monitor. Other items are getting my sleep schedule back, to where I’m in bed by 11 and waking up before 7 most days, limiting the caffeine to one coffee a day, and phasing that out to 0., and moving my computer back to the living room. It doesn’t guarantee I’ll stop looking at porn or watch gaming, but it’s going to help, it’s going to encourage me to make other moves. Counseling ramps back up next week. That’s a start too, checking in with someone on a weekly basis. But that’s just what it is, a start. I’ll need to get to some meetings. I think that’s where it really starts. Talking with other guys going through the same things, other guys that have actually had success. To be honest, I’m feeling a lack of hope now, and I have for months. I feel like I’m fighting a culture that I can’t get away from, that I don’t agree with, but still pulls me in time after time, and I end up wasting my life. The last 15 years…how much time have I wasted on porn and video games? It’s insane. And I think I should grieve for that time lost. But there’s a difference between grieving and dwelling. I’ve also got to move on and focus on what’s ahead of me, which is much, much more important, and actually within my control! I can’t change the past, no matter how much I think about it. So next steps: keep up with work, counseling on Tuesday, and get my butt to a meeting by end of next week. Sorry for the unusually long post, but it feels good to write all that out. And if you did read this, I appreciate it, and good luck in your journeys as well.
  6. Today is my first day of my vacation break from work. I have exactly 2 weeks off. I've been racking my brain about what to play and if to play something. I just went to Steam. I couldn't get into the game that I played most recently. Just feel burned out on it, I'm over it. I thought about playing one of my favorite older games....but it's the same thing. I'm over it. There's no "fresh" games that I really want to play right now. So I made the decision to request Steam delete my account. I believe it's a 30-day waiting period before they finalize it and I have a chance to cancel my request within that time period. But at least I've started the process. I'm tired of this unsettled feeling of wanting to play something but not finding anything. I hope deleting the account can free up my mind to doing other things that are more fruitful. I'm going on a date tonight. It's something I don't have a whole lot of experience with, and I'm not sure I'm ready. But what I've realized is since my mid 20's (I'm 34 now), it's just been a whole lot of me saying "I'm not ready, I'm not ready" but then not taking any action, and now, 10 years later, I'm still saying the same thing. In other words, I don't think I have too much to lose by putting myself out there and trying to connect with someone. And if it doesn't work, well, I'm sure there's something I can learn from it. I may watch some gaming over the break. But as of now...I don't think I'm going to play. And when the New Year hits...I want to let go of all of it completely
  7. Welcome to the community, thanks for sharing your story.
  8. I'm glad to say that I did not dive into playing any games the day of that last post, and haven't been gaming since then. Yes, I have been watching...but that's not the same as gaming. I'm basically at the same place I was last time. The only thing that's changed is I'm closer to this 2-week break I get from work. My break starts this Thursday. The situation is: (a) I want to lose myself in a good game over the break, and (b) There's only one game I really want to play, and my PC isn't powerful enough to handle it. It's so ironic to me that I've spent so much time gaming this year, and now for the first time that I'm going to have a chunk of planned time off, I don't know what to play. The games I've played earlier in the year I just feel burned out on. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I at least wanted to post on here. There was one game I was planning on playing, but now that I've had a few weeks without it, I'm really not pulled to that game at all. I've already put over 300 hours into that game. I don't see myself enjoying a new playthrough of it. It's lost its luster. This other game that I want...Well, in my stubbornness, I've looked up how to install graphic cards on my PC and done some research about how much a new PC w/ a graphics card would cost. But I can't get myself to follow through with those ideas b/c it just seems ridiculous to put that much effort into something for one game and just a few weeks of entertainment. After all, the end goal here is to get OFF of games. Upgrading my computer is taking me in the opposite direction of that. As of now...I'm just leaning towards finishing out this streamer's playthrough of this game on Youtube, and maybe I can move on with my life after that. But it is concerning, how much I've been fighting the idea of upgrading or finding something to play. Regardless of what I do, I will be with some family over the break, and I should try to soak that in and enjoy it.
  9. Just wanted to do a quick update since my last post a few days ago. It's Sunday afternoon now, and I did not game this weekend, but I did watch a lot of gaming. It's not a shock, but I've gradually had an increased desire to play the game I've been watching. This has not been a quick playthrough to watch. I've been watching recorded uploads on Youtube from a streamer. He has about 110 hours or material uploaded, just for this game, and I've watched about 40 hours of it over the past week. At first I had no interest in playing the game and was content watching, for multiple reasons (time, mental effort learning a new game, a lot of the game is already spoiled by me watching it, and this is a (complex) PC game when I'm not a good PC gamer), but today was the strongest urge I've felt so far. I actually went to Steam to browse for the game, but then I saw it's going for 45 bucks, and that gave me pause. Not sure what to do now, but I just wanted to take a minute, pause, and air things out. If I bought this game, I could reallllly lose myself, and I have no idea when I would come back from it. I actually learned that from the last game I bought. I spent a ton more time on it than I expected. So it seems clear -- best case scenario is that I don't play OR watch the game. But if I'm going to succumb to one or the other.. playing the game is going to take me down a much, much deeper hole to get out of. I think it's worth going over the arguments for not playing the game: As I just said, it's $45. Yeah, that's not chump change. That's enough to where if I buy it and I'm not committed to playing it I'm going to be kicking myself. And right now I definitely don't feel "committed" to this game by any means, I feel very wavering about if I should play it at all I don't have time. I've read it takes the average player 80 hours to get through this game. Yes, I have 2 weeks off of work at the end of this month, but all of those days aren't completely to myself. I have obligations with family. It's really more like 6 or 7 unplanned days in that timeframe. And 80 hours over a week is definitely cramming. I could easily see myself still immersed in the game when it's time to get back to work, and that's a horrible way to start the new year and getting back into my job. I'd much rather come back to my job feeling "refreshed" than attached to something. Learning a new game, especially a complex one, is mentally exhausting. It's intense. The stress is higher, the frustration is higher. It takes so much longer to progress b/c there's so much more to get hung up on. I could see myself spending a few hours trying to find out how to do something the right way or going back to make up for something I didn't know. And my personality, being a completionist/perfectionist -- it means even MORE time to get things right. The story and experience is already spoiled, at least for the first 1/3 of the game. I've been watching this other guy play it. That's one of the huge appeals of this game, is the story development. That first 30-40 hours....is going to be dulled a ton b/c I've already seen it all and know exactly what to expect. I can finish out watching this playthrough and get a similar satisfaction out of it. No, it's not the same as playing. But it saves a bunch of time and frustration. So no, it's not the right decision to play this game, or any game for that matter right now. It's Sunday afternoon, I've got a full work week that begins tomorrow. Keep myself busy in other ways for the next 6 or 7 hours..
  10. I don't have a whole lot to post since my last update. It's not been a great period for me. Thanksgiving was a good break b/c I chose to spend time with family rather than game some more. But after the break, I got right back into watching a lot of gaming on Youtube. I have a few weeks off work at the end of this month, and at this point it's hard for me to imagine not being involved with gaming within that period. I tend to have a hard time with self-discipline this time of the year, and I don't see this year being any different. But I thought it'd be better to post on here than not say anything at all. Hope everyone has a good Christmas break.
  11. Going to post on here even though I don't want to.. Following up on my 2 goals above -- I did not accomplish 1 (counseling). I did accomplish 2 (going to work). I believe it's 11 days in a row that I've played this game. Surprisingly, I've managed to keep a sort of balance between work and playing the game. Go to work during the day. Play the game at night. Last weekend I lied so I could play the game some more. I had an outing planned with some friends but made up something. It still wasn't enough. In short, the game is bigger than I anticipated and I learned a lot of things I did inefficiently so I wanted to restart a game. I feel exactly the same way I did in the last post: I wish I could have a week or two off and do nothing but savor this game. But the reality is I don't have the ability to do that and keep my job. The timing of this does seem a bit unfortunate b/c I actually do have a few weeks off from work at the end of December. But for me in my "gaming mindset", that seems ages away from now and I hope to God I'm over this game by then. I have plans this weekend to see some family. My brothers are coming in from California along with my niece. So this is a social engagement I really don't feel alright with missing. But again, the timing seems terrible b/c I really want more time with the game this weekend and think I could make some good headway towards getting done with it. Not just that, but there's nothing like pulling up a game on a Saturday morning when you know you've got the next 2 days free from any worries of work. I think the common theme here is "me, me, me, me". For the short term, I think the plan is to see my family this weekend (drop the game) and go to counseling on Tuesday. But as far as the game goes, I don't see myself putting this down for good until I really explore and conquer this map I'm on. Realistically I think that could be done in another..30 hours or so..maybe grind through the same schedule next week and finish it out next weekend? That seems to be best case scenario for me. I really hope this doesn't burn me though and I miss another work day unexpectedly. Feel like I'm playing with fire here..
  12. Well, I made it 38 days.. Then this weekend things came unraveled. Old habits came back in a fierce way. A familiar setup got me back into gaming..I was hungover on a Saturday morning. Didn't have any plans. Didn't "feel" like connecting with anyone or working on recovery. Bored with lots of time. So predictably, I went back to gaming. Gaming is an excellent way to kill time. I hesitated for the reasons mentioned in my last post. There was a barrier there by having so much time away from the gaming. But ultimately, the desire for gaming won me over. There were a couple games I wanted to play. I went with one that's a little more "happier" and I never really got the hang of. Well, as may have been predicted, I didn't just jump in and jump out. I only wanted to kill the time for a few days over the weekend. But Sunday night came around and I was still playing the game, playing around with stuff. I texted into work Monday morning so I could keep playing. And last night, it was past 1 a.m., a few hours past my bed time, and I was still at it. There were a few times during the weekend that I said I was done. I felt like the game was getting too tedious and I didn't feel like learning more, and I was annoyed at how some things in the game didn't make sense or at how difficult it was. But after a few hours off, I always came back to it. That's where I'm at now. Thankfully I came into work today. I really want to play the game for like a few weeks straight and then move on with my life, but the reality of the situation is holding my job is much more important than mastering this game. The game is just going to bring temporary pleasure and excitement. Having a job gives me purpose, structure, offers connections with other people, an income to eat and have shelter for, and long-term, the ability to provide for a girlfriend. And I can't do both. I can't game and work a full-time job at the same time. Maybe some people can balance it out, work during the day, game at night. But I'm an addict. The gaming side takes over and I suffer at my job for that. I have counseling tonight. The desire for the game is very, very strong, but I at least wanted to post on here and get outside of my own head a bit. I'm thankful for this forum and being able to relate to other people in the same boat as me. I think it's a good idea for me to change counseling from biweekly to weekly until I get things more straightened out and at least get 30 days away from both lust and gaming. It would have been really good for me to check in with someone last week about how my life is going, and counseling seems to be my easiest path to doing that. That's my update for now. Only 2 near-term goals, which are very important: Show up to counseling tonight and be honest and open Go to work the rest of this week (Wed, Thurs, Fri)
  13. Day 33 Well, things can turn quickly, and they have. Things went off the rails yesterday with my other issue. I touched on it in my last post, how lust and this are tied together. Well, I'll just say things got out of hand with the lust last night, and today I don't feel like doing much at all. I'm tired of fighting and trying so hard to be better. And when I don't feel like doing much at all...suddenly gaming comes back into the picture. I was on the edge of getting back into gaming today. Felt really pulled towards it, b/c I wanted to numb myself out to what happened last night and help the time go by. I've held off for a few reasons: One of the barriers I instilled previously is working. I deleted my Steam account. Which means for me to play one of the games I want, I'm going to have to create a new Steam account and buy the game again. Which isn't that hard if I really want to play. But it's still an obstacle, and I don't really want to play. So it worked. I'm on day 33 man. I don't want to lose this streak. I remember what it was like, bingeing on gaming. It never works out that I just go back in for "one day" or "one map" and then I quit it clean. If I break down for gaming, there's no guarantee of when I'll get off of it again The game that I wanted to play...is the game I never figured out. And I accept that it's just too much of a game for me to want to get into. I have the responsibility of a full-time job. I don't have the time to just sit and play a game non-stop for several days to figure this game out. And I don't want to. One way of saying it is the game's not "polished" enough for me to like it. Another is it's just too complex and hard for my liking. And I'm okay with that. The other option would be to watch some streamers on Twitch -- but that still goes to point 2 above. And...Twitch has led to me playing many times. Don't want to go down that road. So I think I'll watch a movie later. Just trying to hold myself over until work tomorrow..
  14. Day 32 Wow, I'm past 30 days. I still have had one game come to mind from time to time, especially over the weekends, but the idea eventually passes as long as I keep moving along and find something else to keep myself busy. For example - I made plans to go with my roommate to a church event today. It's a Saturday. I started thinking "Man, it would also be cool to hole myself up in the room the entire day and play this game. That would be really enjoyable." But in just a few hours, we'll actually be at the event, and that thought is going to be completely out of my mind, long gone. I've also gone to a few support groups lately, regarding another issue. I won't say I'm thrilled to be going there, but I also think it's crucial that I commit to one of those groups at minimum once a week. I've learned that my issues with lust and video games are integrated. If one isn't going well, chances are, the other is going to come up soon enough too. I cooked the other night, which for me, is something I basically never do and outside my comfort zone. I hope to continue that. It felt really good to cook for myself and not resort to the fast food I usually eat. That basically sums things up for now. Will post again later..
  15. Day 19 Almost to 3 weeks, and it feels awesome! Things haven't been perfect, but it's definitely been better. That binge lifestyle of hanging out in my room for entire weekends hasn't been there. It's easy for me to forget how it was, and that's why I think it's important to write on here. I've done a few things outside my comfort zone the last few weeks. I went to church in the morning before work a few weeks. I dressed up for church/work. My roommate threw a party at our house, and rather than try to run from it, I hung around and socialized. This weekend I went to a fundraiser event where we had dinner and danced. After a long stint without social media, I got Facebook and also tried out a dating app. I avoided it for so long b/c I REALLY liked not being attached to it. Not having it meant it was something I didn't have to fight. I have a history of being oversensitive to this sort of stuff. But, in the end, I decided it's time to change things up. I'm single and I'm not getting any younger. This technology can be a good way for me to connect with other people and see what's going on in the community. I still plan to limit my usage. I did have some ideas this morning of the last game I played. I never mastered that game, and that still irks me a bit. And I feel like it was a great game. But it was also massively time consuming, and I have to say it's been so much better not feeling that enormous pull to the game when it was affecting me negatively in ways such as sleep and work. Just gotta keep in mind that weekends are tough, especially if I don't have anything scheduled out. Seems I've really had a tough time on Sundays particularly. That's about it for now.
  • Create New...