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Brad_Hurst
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Yo yo.

Thought I'd check in since I've woke up super early!

I'm in Australia now!

I think overall it took about 24 hours to get here maybe a little more! It's been a long old journey but I don't think it was that bad.

Firstly I went to bed at 2am after packing my bag last minute. I woke again at 5:30 to then leave the house for 7. My thinking was if I can stay tired, I can then sleep on the first flight and get closer to the Australian timezone (they are 10 hours 30 mins ahead). The car journey to the airport was 3 hours, my Mum dropped us off. She stayed with us whilst we checked in and then left just before we went through customs. We thought she would start crying when we said our goodbyes but suprisingly she held it together. However when she got back home she apparently started crying :(. We boarded the flight at 13:30, first heading off to Dubai for a lay-over. It was a 7 hour flight. We sat on the left side of the plane and I had the middle seat. The stranger to my right was a really nice older women. She was travelling to India to do some research. I didn't ask what (wasn't sure if that's rude or not lol).

The planes were pretty teched out, you get a load of the latest movies, the plane has mounted cameras you can switch to, you can call other seats. Was prerty cool, kind of similar to when I went to America on a ski trip. I'm guessing all long haul flights are like this?

I tried sleeping, it was pretty broken though as first I couldn't find a damn comfortable position even though I bought a nice memory foam neck pillow. It felt forced. Also getting woken every couple of hours for food and that DAMN baby that wouldn't stop crying! xD The food was decent though. I also watched the movie Dunkirk.

When we landed in Dubai it was quite a quick change over, there wasn't much waiting around. The next plane was even nicer, the screens were bigger and in better quality, plus the touchscreen actually worked well. This flight was around 12 hours 30 minutes.

I had the window seat and my sister had to sit next to this grumpy old guy haha. I tried to get a bit more sleep. I had also found out at this point, you can bend the airplane headrests which made sleeping alot more comfortable! We were also supplied eye masks and ear plugs which makes a hella of a difference, plus no baby this time. Still my first attempts at sleep were not great, probably 2-3 hours broken. I decided to watch the latest Planet of the Apes movie, "War of the planet of the apes". What an awesome film! I've always loved those movies. After watching it I fell asleep completly unconsciously, wooo finally! I was having some crazy dreams and then woke up after falling off of a motorbike and realizing that shit did not hurt one bit. Maybe I started to realise I was dreaming, god damnit I could have gone lucid! Holy shit though, I fell asleep with my mouth open and it was the dryest it's ever felt. It felt like I had walked through a firey desert and hadn't had anything to drink for the last 24 hours, it was so damn dry it was scary. After rehydrating my throat, I watched one more film before landing, "The Hitman's bodyguard". Honestly thought this was an epic film, full of action and comedy. Highly recommended watch.

Finally landed in Australia, got through security with no hassle at all. Then we thought our suitcases had been left behind! Seriously we had been waiting for at least 20 minutes and still our bags were no where to be seen. Almost everyone else had already collected their bags. Gah, they eventually came through.

Once we collected them we made our way to the exit, we turned this corner and there waiting amongst all the other people eagerly awaiting family/friends was our grandma and grandad. Her face lit up with joy and happiness and so did mine. It was suprising, I wasn't expecting them to be around the corner! Haha

They drove us to their house whilst talking about the various things around. At this point it was like 10pm in Australia. She showed us around the bungalow, I love how open it all is compared to english homes. Had some food, had a shower (I felt so grimey) and hit the sack.

Woke up at 4am. I guess I still need to get used to the timezone.

Excited to see what lays ahead!

-Brad

Edited by Brad_Hurst
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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey guys,

Damn I haven't posted in a while!

Australia has been so awesome so far! I have done so many different things. I should have kept posting to keep track but I will try list some of them now.

My favourite activity has been surfing. Oh man I fucking love it, I managed to stand up and ride the waves within the first 10 minutes and the instructor said I was a natural. After 1 lesson my sister and I just kept hiring the boards and hit the beach every day until Christmas eve. Even when the surf was rough and hardly anyone was there, we kept going lol. We camped for 3 days by the beach so we could wake up and go surfing straight away. I'm at the point now where I'm trying to paddle out to the bigger waves and catch them. Although on these beginner foam boards it's bloody hard work getting past all the white water. But I'm determined, it's so great!

My Grandma and Grandad saved their old car for us so I've been driving that around the Aussie roads. There are some really fun roads to drive on although the speed cameras kill it. Still love driving here though! We turned it into a little surf rig for a while and it's covered in sand now lol.

My Grandparents know so much about everything it seems, especially South Australia... So they have been taking us to a load of cool spots. I have plenty of photos on my phone!

I fed kangaroos and petted koalas also held a snake aha. Got some cool pictures with them.

We borrowed my uncles kayaks and took them to a nice river filled with boats and a gin distillery to the side. 

Aha, some funny shit next. My sister is into rowing now and is actually in the GB starter programme. So my Grandad got in contact with a mate and got her to have a go in Australia. Although they do a type of rowing called Surf Rowing. Now she was gonna have a go with the under 19s so of course I wanted to go too and take pictures! :P Turns out when we got there the girls squad was called off but the over 65s squad was going out! Oh but wait it gets better, there are no sliding seats in surf rowing so to glide along the seats they wear "budgie smugglers" and pull their swimmers right up their arse crack so their arse cheeks are exposed. Oh and so it stays nice and slippery they shove a wet sponge up their ass xD Fuck me what a site! Funny shit though. They really liked her and wanted her to move to Australia and join the under 19 team lol. I was going to have a go but didnt realise i needed these "budgie smugglers" and had my board shorts on. They insisted I "Low Ball" it... Implying go fucking nude! Hellllllll nahhh, not with my Grandma watching at least xD

The coach invited her to a session with the under 19s later on which would be in the sea too. Turns out the girls wernt the model type figures I was hoping for! Ahhh well, better than old men!

Had a really nice Christmas day, my cousin, auntie and uncle came over for a barbecue cooked christmas dinner. Basically just sat around the table most of the day talking, I did get a little bored ngl. I do find that my main problem with longer group conversations is simply my lack of general knowledge and also I find it quite difficult to recall events from the past. I don't know if gaming fucked up my memory or some shit, maybe I just wasn't paying attention. Most probably I just didn't do much else than gaming. I guess I am young as well which does mean I have less life experience. They are all factors in my lack of ability to relate and tell stories.

Oh well it's nice to listen to stories, I'm trying to interject when I do have some input but half the time nothing springs to mind. And I know this is the case and I'm not just dismissing thoughts that pop into my mind. I'm quite aware when this happens due to my meditation practice.

Boxing day we went to my Grandads family for a bit of food. We all found it quite boring tbf, but you gotta do it lol. After we headed to the beach and you can drive your car on this beach. He owns a big 4x4 truck that he takes offroading and out bush so that could handle the sand no problem. My sister and I played catch and played in the sea. Went on the kayaks and simply embrased the beauty of the ocean and its surroundings. We actually stayed on the beach till sunset and that was pretty spectacular. Got some cool photos, I got the cool ones on my instagram ;) Follow at brad.hurst

Something that I have felt really deeply on this holiday though is...

When I see couples out and about doing things together, having fun on the beach etc... I get really envious. I feel happy for them but I so deeply want to experience the same and I find I keep daydreaming about it. I'm having fun going around with my sister but I do think, wow if I could be having this fun with a girlfriend and also being able to get physical with her. Like I'm not even thinking of sex necessary, just simple things like holding hands or hugging each other. I'm feeling this real want for love. To GIVE love to a partner. It's becoming really clear that this is what I want to experience in my life. 

I confess, when we got home from the beach. I relapsed, day 85 of my nofap journey. Wahh, only had 5 more days to go. Basically just felt really quite horny lol, I think it's holiday hormones all building up, and not being able to express them due to always being surrounded by family. I didn't watch porn, just viewed an image. Oh well, I'm not going to stress over it. It's not going to completely reset my progress, although I admit I slipped again today! Shiiit the chaser affect. I'm not gonna beat myself up, shit happens. I don't actually crave it anymore, I think I do get sexually frustrated though. And I think especially on this holiday because my sister is always by my side. I can't just leave her and go hit on some chicks lol.

Today it was suppose to be a 40 degree day which basically means stay the fuck indoors. We was planning to go on a motorbike ride into the hills. Instead I went shopping with my sister, aunt and grandma. We only really went in surf shops though. They are so fucking awesome! All the stuff in those shops is just me, I love it! Bought some "thongs", i call em flip flops. Some board shorts, cool T and some bracelets. Also my Grandad lent me one of his sun hats and it suited me so well, I felt like a fucking boss wearing it. I was walking around joking around with my sister with a big smile on my face half the time and damn, I ain't gonna lie I'm pretty damn sure alot of girls were checking me out. I got alot of eye contact with girls.

I'm trying to work on eye contact when looking around, usually when I catch the gaze of someone I look away pretty quickly. I'm fine in conversation though, I can hold it quite confidently. When looking around though, I think there is a fine line between seeming confident and just seeming creepy. What I'm trying to work on is when I lock eyes with a random girl, maintain the gaze rather than look away and then smile to let them know I'm friendly lol. I would like to approach, today I was with my family so it would have been wrong to ditch them to talk to a random stranger as we walk through the mall lol.

HOWEVER. When in one of the surf shops, I noticed a real cute member of staff standing in the kids section, looking kinda bored as no one was their. Actually, we went in the shop earlier that day and I approached her to ask if they had a bigger size of the thongs I had chosen. They didn't and shortly after we left. We came back later that day as I wanted to buy the top I saw before. She was still there, the kids section was right next to the changing room. As I walked over to wait for a room to be free, I believe she noticed me (I can't remember if we both smiled at each other). As soon as I arrived at the queue she walked and stood right next to me and started to neaten up the clothes. Now... Did she intentionally move closer to me??? Psshh I dunno, that's what I assumed lol. I thought to myself, alright you HAVE to talk to her. First thing that popped into my mind, "Ah, you stuck on the kids section?". I think she was suprised I spoke and I think I may have had to repeat what I said. Can't remember lol. We spoke for a minute or 2 and the chat was quite lively and she seemed to be reciprocating well. A changing room opened up at the same time a customer came over and asked her a question. So we naturally just kind of broke away. Checked out my T, and it fit fucking awsome. I came out and she was standing there again and a massive smile came on her face and asked how it fit. I replied and said it was great. I think I ended up walking off after saying a few comments about the top. Fuck I should have stuck around a little longer and had another conversation. And yeah I don't know if she was responding so well just because she was staff but still.

Yo I opened up and talked to a smokin hot chick lol. Day = Won

I spent the rest of the trip at the mall feeling like a complete boss. I was lent up on a counter talking to my Grandma at one point and these girls walked past and then turned to look at me, one of them held a strong sexy gaze at me. Fuck me dude, this hat is some magical shit. What did you do to it Grandad!

My family kept commenting through out the day at how much it suited me and then later on when he picked us up. He said I could keep it. Fuck yeaahhhhh :D

Anyways, that is my update. I just spent over the last hour writing it on my phone lol. There are many things that have happened that I haven't put into this entry. But fuck it would take me all day to write every detail. From now on I'll try to get a post in more often.

I leave Adelaide on Friday so only have 1 more day with my grandparents. Gonna go surfing tommorow! Haven't been in 4 days due to christmas and all that.

Next stop will be Sydney for 5 days! :)

Peace! ✌

Brad

Edited by Brad_Hurst
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These last two posts were pure epicness my mate. 

If someone asks "Yo what's this stuff Game Quitters about". This. This is Game Quitters about. These two posts.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I swam naked in the sea with a cute german girl!

Wooo damnnn. I haven't posted in a while! Oh man I have got sooo much to write about. It's too late now so I will do it tommorow evening. Going to the waterpark early in the morning! Wooop.

I really wanna write it all now ahhha, but I gotta sleep! But hey, that was a sneak peak into my mental last 2 weeks xD Stayed tuned my brothers and sisters

- Brad

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Woo, time for an update!

And holy crap so many things have happened I think i'm going to struggle to remember it all! But damn it's been epic! :D

So... On my last day in Adelaide I went on the back of my step-grandads motorbike as we rode through the Australia hills. It was so awesome man, experiencing the warm air rushing into your face as the sun beemed down onto the roads was just pure epic. And jeez, it wasn't a quick bike (An old Royal Enfield) but he had a custom silencer on it and it was so damn loud! The vibrations were crazzaayy, my arse went numb after riding for so long haha. Apparently the cool kids don't hold onto anything when on the back of a motorbike, at first I was like damn how do you not fall off the back when they pull off? But I just trusted it and didn't hold on haha. Felt like a badass yo.

We had a meal that night with the family (Grandma, Grandad, Uncle, Auntie and Cousin) before heading off in the morning. Ah yea, I left my packing till last minute and was up at like 1AM still finishing off my packing lol. My flight was at 6AM... So I didn't get that much sleep lol.

Having spent the past 2 weeks with my Grandma and Grandad, it was finally time to leave. I could sense the sadness in her through-out the day as she had been looking forward to us coming up for years! But our time with her was awesome and she thoroughly enjoyed having us as we did spending time with her. We gave our final hugs, kisses and goodbyes and then proceeded to walk into the tunnel and we probably won't get to see her in person again for at least another year or 2.

Off to Sydney we went!

We booked ourselves an AirBnb at Bondi Junction. It was about a 20 minute walk from the beach and the public transport systems in Sydney are so good. It is so easy to get from place to place simply by bus, train and ferry. And it is cheap as fuck!

Walking from the train station to our AirBnb in the Aussie heat with our suitcases was a killer. It really does not help that the wheel on my suitcase is broken and therefore makes pulling it at least 3x harder! So I arrived in a pool of sweat, great first impressions ay! We met the owners brother who lives there, Jason and he's lived in Sydney for like 20 years so we got some great tips from him and places to visit. The place was also shared by a girl named Emily who we spoke to when she was around and then some other chap arrived a bit later on, but I never actually managed to speak to him.

We went to the city on the first night and saw the Sydney Opera house and the Sydney Harbour Bridge. We took a ferry and went along the river looking across at all the lights, it was pretty damn epic. Although we stayed on it wayyyy too long and then realised we had to head back. So an innocent little ferry trip turned into a 2 hour haul lol. You can only appreciate the lights for so long and then you start to get bored lol.

We walked down to Bronte beach and then walked along the coastline towards the famous Bondi beach. The beaches along that coastline are so beautiful, the way the bays are formed and the cliff edges all come together just looks epic. I really like the style of the buildings too, they are all up on stilts. Bondi beach was absolutely packed with people. I really love going to the beach but something I have noticed within myself is that i'm CONSTANTLY checking out all the hot chicks and I will always purposely place my beach towel nearby to at least one cute girl so that I have something to look at. I dunno if all guys do this or i'm just a fucking perve lmao. But what gets to me as I have mentioned before, is seeing couples together enjoying their time together. I often get a little jealous because I want to be experiencing the same thing. But I understand that jealousy and comparison is the thief of joy. So i'm really working on just doing me. But hey, later on in the trip I did get to experience what it could be like if I did have a girlfriend and oh man it is fucking awesome. So it is hard not to be envious but I really do need to just work on doing my own thing and let the relationships come with time. And yeah, i'll come to explain what happened later in the trip a bit further on :)

We visited Manly beach and then... If anyone here watches Home and Away. Probably not because you're all doing better things with your lives! We went to Palm beach which is where Home and Away is filmed. I only used to watch this whilst eating dinner with my Mum and Sister. My Nan is obsessed by it, as is my Mum. I mean it is good but there are better things to be doing with my time now. Anyways, that was quite a bit of a trip and i'll be honest... It wasn't anything spectacular, I guess it's cool to just be like... "Oh yeah that's where they film that" and then also just being able to say to everybody... "I've been there!".

NEW YEARS EVE

Ah this was pretty fucked.

We started the day off by visiting the Darling Harbour, had a drink at Hard Rock Cafe Sydney and ended up buying the Sydney T. I mean it's a pretty cool collectable right..? lol. New Years in Sydney is pretty spectacular, they set off fireworks all along the river, from the bridge and opera house and all that. Problem for us was, we wanted to drink and everywhere was a dry zone... Or you had to buy your drinks there, which is damn expensive! So we spoke to our good ol' local friend Jason and he recommended we go to Rose Bay beach and you'll be able to see all of the fireworks from there. Plus you could drink on the beach... APPARENTLY

So we bought a 24 pack of Coronas... Perfect drink to chill out on the beach. I had like 2 in the house and then we set off. When we finally arrived at the beach, there was bodyguards protecting it everywhere. And guess what, "this beach is a dry zone mate, no drinks allowed" The time was about 8:30. We had 10 coronas each, and the goal was to get fucked up xD. We walked up and down the stretch trying to see if other areas of the beach would let us in, but we had no hope. SO, we walked down to this quite little park area and sat down by the fence where we could look over to the boats and see the river. We really wanted to get onto this beach though as that was where the party was at! So we aimed to get there for 11pm. Giving us... 2 hours to drink 10 coronas each! Fuck, I don't stomach beers too well, it was a damn struggle haha. It was a fun night though, my Sister and I was just chilling. Turns out because it was a park a bunch of families rocked up and then amongst them all you just have my Sister and I getting pissed up lol.

Somehow we managed to get through all of the coronas so we proceeded to head to the beach. When we finally got there we realised that we were surrounded by a bunch of drunk 14-16 year olds. What a fucking sight that was lol. Basically a bunch of kids just making out in the sand and saying stupid shit. Anyways, my sister fell over and somehow managed to land right on top of two kids making out. Funny shit, but hell at this point - I didn't know this girl, she ain't with me!

It hit New Years and the fireworks was awesome, and just spending it on the beach was pretty epic. Definitely completely different to any other New Years i've had. The traffic was horrendous getting home, so we decided to walk. It took us over an hour, but it was actually quicker than getting the bus or taxi... It was that bad!

We spent the next day at Bondi Beach and the following day visiting the Sydney Olympic park, it was dead as I expected but my sister wanted to see it. We had a swim in the olympic swimming pool which made it worth while.

That was pretty much Sydney, there are probably things i've missed but hey ho.

Off to the Gold Coast!
This for me, is where i've already had quite a lot of cool experiences and probably already is my favourite place on this trip. I still have 4 days left.


We booked another AirBnb for the Gold Coast and it is a pretty cool house. 20 minute bus ride to where all the action is at. An hours walk, which... As you'll find later influenced my events! Haha

Unfortunately, when we arrived my sister had developed a Cyst on her boob and it was causing her a lot of pain. She had to go into hospital and was kept there for 2 days. So I had 2 days to myself, trying to fend for myself. Food was a struggle, I must admit. I'm still working on my cooking skills, i'm barely past the chicken and rice stage. I did attempt to do this on my second night alone but royally fucked up and ended up eating a quick cook pack of rice. It tasted like dog shit!

On my first day alone, I went and checked out the beach and took a 5km stroll along it. I was actually feeling quite low energy, one because I was all alone unexpectantly without a clue of what to do and two because I relapsed again. I felt a bit depressed about my lack of relationships, friends and social competence when it comes to hanging out with people. I took my stroll and read my book. I think I did a similar thing on the second day but visited my sister in hospital in the evening. I reached out to @Cam Adair and he gave me some advice that boosted my motivation. Earlier on I did also speak to an old woman on the coach whilst on the way to the beach, I thought I might as well try and start a conversation and man. She was so happy that I spoke to her. Turns out she is an Astrologer and knows a ton of shit about your star sign and all that stuff, apparently it's all real and I guess I kind of believe it. But i'm uncertain. Anyways she said she'd read my charts for free, I just gotta send her an email. So there you go, that's the power of socialising I guess. You never know who you are speaking to and what value they could potentially add to your life. This was a small thing, but I can only imagine greater things have come from simply speaking to a stranger in public.

The next day my sister and I went into Surfers paradise and as we walked through the streets, a party rep came up to us. She was explaining this Bar crawl that was happening tonight and then she started making us deals. Now my sister just had surgery and also is underage but this sounded so cool! I bought tickets for 2 nights. And MAYNNNNNN, BEST MONEY EVER SPENT. I must note that my sister encouraged me to go, she knew that i'd been wanting to go on a night out in Australia for a while.

The bar crawl consisted of: Starting off at a bowling alley, drunk bowling! Then moving onto 3 different clubs with a free drink at each club.

Soooo... I know I should probably go out more without drinking but... I'm on holiday and everyone is gonna be drinking, so I just wanted to enjoy it! I bought myself some rum and coke and after a bit of a rush. I finally arrived at the bowling alley, all by myself. The event had hired 4 bowling lanes and you could just rock up to any of them and just start bowling. So I walked to one of the bowling alleys and introduced myself to everyone who was sat down and playing. Everyone was super friendly as we all wanted to get to know each other. I must had, everyone was either a couple or with their friends. I was probably the only singleton there lol. A cool touch they added too was you were given a coloured sticker depending on your relationship status. Green for single, Amber for "It's complicated" and Red for taken. It was good fun drinking, bowling and chanting each other on as you threw your ball into the gutter... Or got a strike!

This is where my night got epic though, there was a group of lads who joined us at the bowling alley and I immediately introduced myself to who seemed to be the leader of the group. His name was Ben, after chatting to him for a bit I got introduced to the rest of the lads, Nick, Josh and Craig. I spent the rest of the time at the bowling alley with these guys and managed to get involved in all of their fun. They asked who I was with and said that I came by myself and then immediately Ben said that I could tag along with them. SWEET. I stuck with these guys through-out the rest of the night and we had a lot of fun in all of the clubs.

Dancing in clubs is my most favourite thing about a night out, I don't think I'd even have to drink and i'd happily step on the dance floor and bust out some moves. On some night outs I will enter this state of flow where I am filled with complete confidence and my fun level is through the roof. I need to figure out what causes me to enter this state, because I get doing some awesome shit. Maybe it's just me being the right level of drunk? I dunno. ANYWAYS, on this night I entered that state of flow and fuck I was on fire! In one of the clubs I was dancing around with everybody and managed to form a dance circle. I could literally pull anybody into it and they'd love it. I even noticed everyone around was getting attracted to it and saw a few girls checking me out. But at this point, girls didn't bother me... I wanted to motherfuckin dance and I was killing it! At least I think I was! xD It's so true that people are drawn to the positivity and at that moment I was beaming with fun, and I could FEEL the flow of attraction.

At the end of the night, I went off with the lads to the beach. It must only be Australia where you go to the beach after a night out! Like this was blowing my mind, we all stripped to our underwear and jumped in the sea. Man it was so fun. After that I told em how far away I lived and that the buses had stopped running. They then said I could crash at their place. Fuck yeahhh. I don't know what it is, but the last 3 times i've been out by myself and really not wanted to go home because it's so far... I've ALWAYS found somewhere to crash lol. 3 times in a row... I must have some hidden persuasion powers lmao.

I honestly did not think the next night would top that night. But holy shit, it did.

I spent the day catching up on sleep on the beach and then I was ready for round 2 of my bar crawl! Ben and the gang were going again too! Which makes it a lot more fun cause it's nice when you know people! When I first arrived they weren't there, I did start speaking to one of the party reps for quite a while. She actually approached me first and she was pretty damn hot. Maybe it was just her job, but still cool regardless - I was having a normal conversation with a hot chick lol. At some point she excused herself to go to the loo and I think that was the end of our conversations that night. She was from New Zealand and from what she was saying, that place seems pretty damn epic to live in. So I wanna visit there at some point!

The lads finally showed up and I played a game of pool with them and then we went off to the clubs. In the first club they played a couples game and it was male strip tease game like Magic Mike... Guess what! The lads pushed me on stage to partner up with some other single girl. Fuck, no going back now! The whole club was watching this game. Oh and just to make it worst, I WAS TO GO FIRST. I've never done a strip tease before, i've not even watched MAGIC MIKE. I actually had to ask wtf was Magic Mike LOL. Well, the countdown begun and I had no choice but to just start dancing around this chick, giving it the old shimmey and trying to look sexy. It honestly felt AWKWARD AS FUCK. Jesus, it was TERRIBLE! xD Had some guys gone before me, then maybe I would have done better because I knew what I was up against. The next dude took off his fucking shirt and started grinding on the girl, and I just thought to myself. Well shit i've lost this. The next dude was pretty fat, I actually made friends with him earlier on in the night. Guess what, he took his top of too! The crowd went wild hahaha. So yeah, I was knocked out. Ah well...

The real fun started when I got to the last club of the night! I entered that state of flow that I talked about before. Nick wanted me to try wingman him and get him to dance with a girl. Because yo, I was killing the dance floor again. Without hesitation I danced over to these 2 girls, took one of their hands and then attempted to guide the other to him. She palmed him off but damn, the girl I got started dancing with me and she was good! Our moves were flowing so well, I honestly think my Salsa lessons helped me here. Even thought it was club dancing, I used principles learnt whilst Salsa dancing to lead the lady. She was loving it, I was loving it and then eventually we kissed! Fucking hell, the lads went crazy - they were loving our dancing and I think quite a lot of people started watching us. We'd dance, we'd kiss, dance again and then kiss again. Fuck it was AWESOME. I eventually took her to the side as we started to get tired, we got some water, as fuck alcohol at this point. Then I started to get to know her a little bit, she was a German but travelling Australia for 6 months. I decided, aight i'm gonna try and get us outta this club to some place quiet. She was actually only in the Gold Coast for 1 day to experience this Bar Crawl and was then heading back to Brisbane. So she travelling and sharing a room with 3 other people and there was only 2 beds. She didn't have a key either so... We couldn't leave the club until we had somehow persuaded the friends into giving over the key and also... Simply splitting up the group! Turns out they were all hungry so we went and grabbed a dominos pizza each. Whilst we were waiting for our order I realised that they were all gonna head back to the room together, so I'd get no chance of privacy then. So I started talking her into coming to the beach with me and going for a swim in the sea with me. She seemed well up for it, I was pleased. I DEMOLISHED my pizza when it arrived but holy fuck they ate so slow, I was chilling but I wasn't talking much, I felt like I was gonna lose the attraction. I was getting so bored just sitting there watching them eat their pizza. I actually got up and walked off for a minute without even saying a word, I wanted some water but I was also sick of waiting around lol. When I returned she said, "I thought you had walked off!". I was like, nah you all eat to slow - I needed water. FINALLY they finished and she was still up for the beach, so we persuaded her roommates to hand over a key so we could go off to the beach for a bit.

I'm finally alone with a girl who is into me! Wow how amazing I felt, we both were pretty sober at this point too. We got to the beach and she was pretty scared about leaving her stuff as she didn't want to get it stolen. I had to think QUICK and found a cool spot at the back of the beach, but it was a little distance from the sea so we had to make sure we kept an eye on it. Although it was pretty hidden. Woo, we both stripped down into our underwear and then headed towards the sea. As we get into the water we embraced each other and man it was so epic. Even though every so often a wave would come and crash into us ruining the moment haha. But it was all fun. She started to worry about her stuff so we went back and checked... All good!

Now, I got ballsy. I was like, "YO, how cool would it be if we went swimming naked! There is like no one around!". She was down. FUUUUKKKK yeahhh. She was nervous to take off her clothes however, so I took a look around and then just pulled me undies off. BOOM, she took em off.

Now holy shit. Let's bare in mind, I AM STILL A VIRGIN BRUH. And here I am, standing butt naked with a naked girl on the beach. WTF - Was this really happening??? We ran into the sea and oh man it was beautiful, swimming naked is so damn thrilling HAHA. Especially when you've got a girl doing it with you. We embraced again and was just enjoying the moment. Things got a little sexual but I never stuck anything anywhere! First of all, I ain't got protection on and damn second. It's fucking hard with all these damn waves crashing into you every other second. But it was a beautiful moment with an amazing girl.

Now i'm not going to lie, I did get a thought like... Holy shit, is my first time ever having sex... Going to be on a BEACH? In AUSTRALIA.

Unfortunately, it didn't happen. MAYBE it could have, if I just initiated it but where? I don't know, I heard that sand and sex don't mix well. Plus there was still people walking by lol.

So anyways, we got back into our clothes and we went to her hotel. I was again playing the, I live wayyy too far to just walk home now. When we got to the room, all of her roommates were asleep but obviously all beds were occupied. She said I could sleep in the bathtub, but I just opted to leave instead. But you know what I thought afterwards. Why the fuck did we not just go into the bathroom and bang there...? I've been kicking myself over that one :(

So yup, that was my encounter with cute German chick. It was fucking awesome and getting to experience being close to a woman like that was just pure bliss and it felt magical. I'm still a virgin, but I don't think I care that much to be honest. I think just being close to a woman like that felt amazing anyways. And plus, i've proved to myself that I can attract women. Although, ha - That is now THREE encounters, where I have PULLED a chick, EVERY time by DANCE Floor. Got very intermit but failed to put D in V lol. Fuck, it will happen eventually! I just gotta keep going out haha!

ANYWAYS, I messaged Ben that night and managed to crash at their hotel again. 4 solo nights out in a row, 4 crashes at some random place that is not home. I think I should try keep this streak up lmao.

The next day my sister and I spent the day at the beach and THEN, as we were going home. Ben messaged me and said they were hanging out in the pool, drinking and offered me to come along. I told my sister about it and she was cool for me to go. So I went along and hung out with them for the night, was quite fun. We just chilled in the Jacuzzi and then swam in the pool till they closed it down. We actually tried to hide from the guards inside the pool as they closed it down. Was quite funny lol. Especially because Ben pretended to be dead and just floated in the middle of the pool as the guard was checking it out. We got caught and went up to the room.

Now something i've noticed with myself when it comes to hanging out with lads. I always tend to get accepted and respected... BUT, when they all start taking the piss out of each other and then obviously fire some at me. I find it very difficult to come up with comebacks, and therefore I tend to always become the brunt of the joke half of the time. And in a joking way, groups take the piss out of me knowing that I'll just laugh along and not have any comebacks. It's all fun and games obviously and I never take it seriously, but this happens with almost any group of lads I integrate myself with. It happened all through-out growing up and is mainly due to the fact that I SUCK at comebacks and witty comments.

Anyways this was my last night with these guys, they live in Melbourne and they were heading back the next day. They told me if I ever head to Melbourne in the future, to hit them up and we'll hang out. I've got em on snapchat now too. Yey, I made friends. Now I just need to have guys to hangout with back in England, WHERE I LIVE LOL.

Today we went to the waterpark. If anyone has watched The Inbetweeners 2 Movie, this was the waterpark they went to! "Wet N Wild". To be honest it wasn't as big as I expected and probably wasn't the best one i've been to. But the best ride I went on, you get into this enclosed tube and you're standing practically vertical. The floor drops beneath you and you go flying down the slide and do a loop de loop. Now that was pretty damn sick haha! When the count down begins the adrenaline really kicks in and you know that at any moment the floor is going to disappear. MAN I GET SO PUMPED.

THIS WAS NOT ENOUGH FOR ME THOUGH BITCHES AND I DID THE MOST THRILLING THING EVER!

Basically there was a ride that you had to pay separately for which basically. Lifts you over 50 metres into the air, on your stomach and you're attached to a MASSIVE SWING. When I first saw it, I was swimming in the pool and I heard the crowd ROAR as this guy dropped from an insane height and then into a swinging motion. I instantly wanted to do it! It was fucking crazy! I felt no fear, no nervousness. I just HAD TO DO IT.

As I was getting winched up higher and higher, the adrenaline kicks in... You can see the whole water park, you can see to the coast. You reach the top, you hear the winch stop pulling. YOU ARE SO HIGH. You then realise, I'm ABOUT TO DROP FROM THIS HEIGHT, HOLY SHIT FUCK YEAHHHH BABBEYYY. Over a little speaker at the top of the crane, a voice begins to countdown... THIS IS IT, MY BALLS ARE TINGLING. 3.... 2.... 1.... FLY... I rip the cord that releases me and I IMMEDIATELY spread my arms out as far as I can. The crowd lets out an almighty roar, but you take no notice of it! I start plummeting towards the ground head first and i'm letting off a HOWL at the top of my lungs, my arms out the hole time. I'm FLYING BITCHES, WOOOOOOHOOOOOHOOOOOOO. You reach speeds of over 100kph, it honestly feels SO damn amazing. The adrenaline rush that surges through you. The moment is pure, this is living BABY!

My sister recorded it. I'm planning on sticking it on my instagram at some point. For the next hour or so after the drop, you feel so alive! If I could find something that could release this feeling daily man, life would be so fucking awesome. It's when you feel like you're so close to death that you feel so alive. It's one of the best feelings in the world, honestly...

So yeah, that's it for now. Damn i've been writing for at least 2 or 3 hours. I love it, I didn't need to take any breaks. I ploughed through, one little pee break and that's all I needed.

Only 4 days left in Australia now! Damn it's been so awesome.

Catch ya'll later,

Brad

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

G'day mates,

I'm back from Australia now.

Being on holiday has really healed me - in a weird and wonderful way. My problems are not gone, they are still there. But, stepping back and just enjoying life without worrying about these problems has helped reset my mind. I feel like I was getting burnt-out beforehand, worrying about all of the things that were not going right in my life. What I was not achieving, really feeling the emotions behind my wants and letting them affect me in a negative way.

I have gained more perspective now, my mind has calmed and my awareness of my emotions and how they are affecting me has gone through the roof!

Awareness is the key here, becoming aware of my thoughts and beliefs and how they are influencing my actions is so crucial. This is where the meditation I have been practicing really helps! I tell you what really did it for me, the holiday relaxed my mind and stopped me from worry about everything so much. But I read a book, and this book really helped put things into perspective, it hit me fucking hard and I feel like my brain has gone into 2.0 mode or some shit.

The book I read is called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" - By Mark Manson 

The book is so blunt and just tells you straight up with no bullshit what the fuck is really keeping you down. Reading this gives you such a different perspective to all other self-help books and it has also helped nailed in the concepts that @Cam Adair has spoken to me about in our coaching sessions. So what i've really been concentrating on recently is noticing when my negative beliefs are arising, acknowledging them and then telling my thinking (Emotional) mind that, that belief is bullshit. It is simply a belief that you have crafted upon yourself, and that belief is not helping you. What is the point in holding a belief if it is not helping you? Adopt positive beliefs that enhance your life. It is obviously not so simple to just change your beliefs, but through consistent repetition and action in the positive direction, these beliefs will slowly change within your sub-conscious mind.

I have also subscribed to his website and have been reading a bunch of his blogs too. I really do think he has some great content. Please do yourself a favor and check out his book, and check out his website.

I'll just give a quick update on what I've been up to since I got back and then i'm going to create a separate post where I list a bunch of my goals for 2018!

Travelling back from Australia was longggg as fuck. It took 35 hours! Must admit I was a little jet lagged for a few days. On my last 2 days I finally went surfing again, we surfed at snappers rock. The surf wasn't great but it was a pretty cool spot regardless. I started speaking to some guy whilst sitting out in the ocean and developed a friendly relationship with him. We'd speak occasionally, but obviously both of our main focuses was catching dem waves.

Back in England, the day after I got back I decided to hit the gym. Went way too hard, squatting 80kg 5x5 which was my personal best BEFORE I went. My legs were fucked for the next 5 days. I was so damn sore lol. I went to my NUDDA Martial Arts class on Tuesday, I really felt the welcoming respect upon my return - Everyone was happy to see me which is a good feeling. I was paired up with a new guy, and although i've only been training martial arts for about 5-6 months now I already feel like i'm developing a coaching type role within the club. I was helping him out with his technique and trying to identify things that he was doing wrong, the coach seemed pretty happy with me giving him advice too.

On Monday I met up with 2 friends at the pub, i'm not a fan of the pub - It's all everyone in England seems to do in the evenings lol. They aren't close friends to be honest, I met them through my best mate. But like, they are the next closest friends I have apart from him lol. They told me they were going out Thursday evening into town and invited me along. I have work Friday mornings, but FUCK IT YO. I wanted to BOOGIE.

I've been at work from Tuesday to Friday, it's not been too bad. I'm getting to work on a classified project :) My work mates played a prank on me though whilst I was gone. First they cling filmed my keyboard and switched all the keys around on my keyboard spelling out "KNOB". They hid the key to my draws in a plant. I honestly thought I lost it at first, thought I put it in my work shoes lol. Finally they hinted towards where it was and I found it, when I opened up my draws I found them to be FILLED TO THE BRIM with shredded paper. Fuckers! I opened one draw and there was a box of celebrations chocolate, I got really excited... Opened the box up and NOTHING but an image of a hand forming the OK sign ontop of a leg which is like, I GOT YOU BITCH. (The Circle game if anyone has played it).

Thursday night, I went out and partied. My goal for the night was to just have fun, enjoy it - I had no goals of getting with girls. But guess what bitches. I was having that much fun on the dance floor that I kept attracting girls attention, i'd dance over to them without a fuck in the world and would start dancing with them. I'd take em by the hand and boogie. I ended up making out with 4 different girls that night. Haha wtf... I didn't go off with any of them, I just stayed on the dance floor lol. I must admit, one of em was a fat bitch. Holy shit why did I get with her? Gahh, practise... xD

I think I was definitely having the most fun on that dance floor and that reflected in the results I got. Shit my dance game is getting good. Honestly the thing i've learnt, you just have to let yourself go. Dancing allows you to get close to girls in ways that nothing else can, unless obviously you're making love lol. You have to be confident and make moves like you didn't think anything of it. Like taking a girls hand and proceeding to dance with them, I thought nothing of it. And that display of confidence really attracts the girls. Salsa my dudes...

So yeah I felt pretty badass by the end of the night. I probably could have attempted to take a girl home, but I really wasn't bothered this time. I have more fun dancing lol, maybe when it comes to the end of the night I should try to pull a girl and then attempt to leave the club with her. Because in the middle of the night I was literally dancing, make-out, get bored of that girl and then go off and dance again, repeat with the next chick lol. Except for the fat girl, who kept following me around the dance floor so I had to shimmy my way around the dance floor trying to avoid her xD.

On Friday, I only got 2 hours of sleep before work - Survived work by drinking strong coffees and then when I got home I decided to sleep for like 3 hours, BUT - When my alarm went off, I got up, turned it off. Thought to myself, mhm this bed is so cosy, stuck my head back down again thinking I had just closed my eyes and was in my head. Opened my eyes again thinking I had just been chilling for like 10 minutes. It was 1AM Saturday morning. I just slept from 2PM to 1AM... SHIT BRUH. I grabbed some breakfast and then worked on my shopify store for a couple of hours. I also watched a RSD video on how your posture affects your vocal projection, this is something I wanna work on, having a more piercing and louder voice. I often find people won't hear me because i'm speaking to quietly.

Saturday I went to my Strength and Conditioning class. I received an award from the academy for "Student of the Year" in fitness. So was pretty happy with that, I'd only been with em for half a year aswell lol.

The other thing that i've been doing better this week, i've been waking up earlier and working on my shopify store. I really want to get my store up and running now, I was procrastinating alot before my holiday. Currently this, and ebay selling are the ways I feel like I can start earning a decent income online. I'm obviously open to other ideas but I need to nail down on one strategy first otherwise I won't get anything done! So this is going to be my main focus for gaining an online income.

So that's been this week. I'm going to write another post listing some of my goals next, and then work on my shopify store. Then i'm off to my Nan's house to have a lovely Sunday roast :)

Chow,

Brad.

 

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Goals for 2018

Here are things that I want to work towards this year. With my goals I am going to state what I get to work towards without giving an ultimate end goal... Because I think there is never an end and you should always strive to keep progressing. Obviously there are some goals that have a definite end but I will try to steer clear of these because once you achieve them, it's like there is nothing else beyond that and you can lose direction and feel worthless.

What I will aim to do with my goals is set smaller tangible goals that will allow me to know I am on the right track!

Some will be concepts and beliefs that I want to work on adopting and others will be progressive goals.

My goals for 2018:

  • Build my online income (Earn £50 online)
  • Build my relationships (Gain a new friend, whom I contact regularly)
  • Become better at interacting with girls (Go on a date)
  • Become more intimate with girls (Have sex with a girl)
  • Identifying negative beliefs and working towards developing healthier ones
  • Develop my values, understand them better and sticking to them.
  • Separating my emotions from my actions. (Take action even when "I don't feel like it")
  • Become responsible for everything that happens in my life. (No more excuses)
  • Become more productive. (Recognize when i'm doing something to avoid what really needs to be done.)
  • Become more consistent with my actions. (Constantly taking action, finishing things that I've started, not giving up.)
  • Grow my shopify store. (Get it live)
  • Detach myself from the outcome of events. (Focus on the process, the present, the intention behind the process.)
  • Set intentions for my actions
  • Reduce my level of ego. (Stop having beliefs like I am better than this person because of (Insert thing), ego causes me to fear failure more)
  • Become more organised. (Use a calendar more often, be proactive, not reactive)
  • Develop my general knowledge (Read a non self-help book)
  • Develop my wit (Watch more comedians)
  • Be more of a giver. (Doing things without expecting anything in return)
  • Improve my memory.
  • Eat a cleaner dieter (Reduce chocolate consumption, processed foods, sugars. Just general crap)
  • Reduce social anxiety in group settings (Not coming away feeling like I have failed in someway because a certain thing didn't happen in that interaction.)(Being more present and enjoying the interactions).
  • Learn to play the guitar. (Buy a guitar)
  • Learn to speak Spanish. (Duo-lingo)
  • Travel to a different country (Bali)
  • Go surfing
  • Get a Macbook

These are my goals for now. Some of them are simply a reminder to myself. Others do have tangible goals. I plan to get this pinned on my wall too as this will be easier for me to see everyday as I very rarely go over my old journal posts. When I have achieved a goal or taken action towards them, I will post on my journal and update.

- Brad.

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Good job getting your goals down. For you and anyone else reading this, here are three articles I would read on setting goals so you actually achieve them:

https://projectlifemastery.com/my-october-2017-monthly-goals-report/

https://projectlifemastery.com/my-goal-setting-strategy/

https://projectlifemastery.com/how-to-set-goals/

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Goddamn you've really developed some game while I was gone

I enjoyed reading your nekkid beach report. Happy for you bruh. Although I hope you'll forgive me when I say that last-minute giving up in her dorm does sound like classic self-sabotage to me. I want to encourage you to keep pushing it and really go for the sex after a night in the club! I know the feel of just wanting to dance because it's so much fun but once it becomes your new comfort zone, you may be distracting/procrastinating from the next, difficult thing (sex)....that's how it is with me atleast. Keep crushing it ;)

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@thehondasc00py - Thanks man. Yeah when I left I realised how I could have gone about it differently. But we always do this to ourselves, we find hundreds of different ways we could of gone about it, for better results AFTER we needed it. But in the moment, those thoughts did not cross my mind. All we can do is learn from the experience, and next time I can push my luck until I literally get kicked the fuck out lol.

I think the main thing for me is actually going out more, I've gotten pretty close the majority of the times I go out. It will only be a matter of time before it happens, I just need to increase my chances by giving myself more chances.

I get what you mean about dancing to distract, that may be the case... However, I must admit that my goal for the past couple of times I've gone out is to simply have fun, and enjoy being present with it. I didn't place any pressure on myself to "pull" any girls, the interactions simply happened through me having fun. My problem before was I'd set an expectation to pull a girl and when it didn't happen, I regarded the night as a failure and it made me feel bad. I will try to be conscious of making dancing my "Safe zone", to be honest though that is where my game is a lot stronger compared to other areas so I want to utilize this strength to get a result. And then I can expand from there...

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Yo yo.

Feeling pretty inspired right now and I needed to write this shit down.

First of all, I've realised a morning habit that I have which is not really helping me in any way. Basically I use my phone as my alarm and there are two problems with this... First of all, the alarm is not that great and can bug out and automatically snooze which is really annoying. But the main problem and something I've only just realised is that when I grab my phone and turn off the alarm, I immediately look at the notifications. There is almost always a post from a Facebook group or someone has posted something new to their story on Instagram. Now these people who are usually in my notifications are almost like my role models, and the facebook groups are mastermind type groups for the online business I'm trying to set up. So I almost always click on them, but I've realised that I get this feeling of envy. As much as I use them as inspiration, it creates this feeling that my goals are a long way off and therefore it lowers my motivation. It also wastes time and I don't really get any benefit from viewing these images and posts, it just wastes 10 minutes of my morning that could be going towards my business.

The solution? BUY AN ALARM CLOCK. Also turn my phone to airplane mode so that when I load it up to do my meditation, there are no notifications to distract me.

My morning routine since I've got back from Australia has been:
Wake up, Shower, Brush Teeth, Meditate for 10 minutes using Headspace, Work on my Shopify store, Reading whilst having breakfast, get ready for work, commute to work whilst listening to Audiobooks.

Note about showers. I'd love to have cold showers in the morning, but our boiler or shower (Whatever it is) has fucked up and for some reason the lowest temperate I can have the shower at the moment is just below feeling like you're burning your skin lol. For the first 5 seconds the shower is freezing however, so I utilize this time by standing under the shower as I turn it on lol.

So by cutting out my phone in the morning. I will save time and I will have higher energy.

I must note though, I'm learning to not let my emotions control my actions. So even if my motivation is low one morning, I will still run through my routine and take action. The act of action makes you feel inspired, and the feeling of inspiration increases your motivation. So it is a beautiful cycle. ACTION -> INSPIRATION -> MOTIVATION -> MORE ACTION

The next thing that is getting me really excited is from listening to a book called Models - by Mark Manson. The whole point of the book is attracting women through honesty, through allowing yourself to be vulnerable. It isn't like any other pickup book out there. I'm not even 1/4 of the way through and I fucking love this book, it's just full of gold. It works on getting to the root of why you're unsuccessful with women. I've realised that I have been quite needy and approval seeking. And this book teaches you how to become "Non-Needy". How to genuinely become your best self, your most attractive self. And only attracting the women who match YOUR values.

I'm currently on the first section of three that he covers. Your lifestyle. The second is about social anxiety. The third is on communication. Something he talks about is the demographics you put yourself in and how they affect how successful you are with women. I wrote down some of the things that I value in a women and immediately I realised that the few instances that I have had female attraction, is because they met my values, and I met theirs.

Some of the values that I'd look for in women are as follows: Adventurous, fun, open-minded, travels, sporty, into adventure sports (Skiing, surfing), goal-orientated, spontaneous, sexually free.

The only girl that I ever created real attraction through conversation (rather than dancing!), had these values. She was into travel, she was a skier, she had an open mind. She actually went to my school so I knew her before-hand but not that well. We met at a gathering after I had left school, infact it was her welcoming home party after she just did a ski season in Austria that I somehow got invited to. I'm probably being a little delusional as to how well I attracted her because we were both drinking. Either way, I ended up in her bedroom and the only reason I didn't have sex with her was because my dick decided it didn't want to work... And that was the end of that xD

The German girl I met in Australia obviously had some of these values too, she was travelling, she was spontaneous (I can't imagine many girls would strip naked on a beach with some random dude they met 2 hours ago.), she was fun to dance with.

I'm realising now, that I'm not suited to your typical club/bar girls. I certainly do not want to date these kind of girls. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to go clubbing and to bars. But I'm realising now that my chances of meeting a girl who I'd be able to have a healthy relationship with would be quite slim. I may be able to get sex from girls at clubs and bars, but this would be a sense of external validation which isn't really that healthy for your well-being. ALTHOUGH, I imagine still, it would be quite fun... So I still wanna have that experience lol.

In my current situation, I do not expose myself to girls much at ALL. Let alone girls who would match my demographic. All I seem to do is Work, Martial arts and Gym and sometimes go to a club called MOSH. And ye it's filled with those kinda people.

It's about time I explore more areas, find more passions and meet more girls suited to me in the process.

Things I'd like to get into are:

  • Yoga
  • Dancing (Salsa, Freestyle)
  • Guitar
  • Basketball
  • Learn Spanish
  • Learn to cook
  • Make money online

Nearly all of these things can have a social aspect to them too. I can go to Yoga classes (From my one experience, filled with women), Dancing classes(Definitely female dominated), Guitar lessons from a coach or something, basketball team, Spanish classes, cooking classes, entrepreneur meet ups.

I'm actually quite excited, I do really want to try these things out. I just need to try and fit it all in. The only issue I find I'm facing is that classes overlap. I got in contact with two basketball clubs, one responded. They train on Mondays but this is when I do my combat fit class. The Salsa class I used to do (Which has stopped now anyways) was run on Mondays. They all seem to be run at the same time!

I think the solution is to either keep looking for different events that run and separate times to allow me to do it all, or make sacrifices. One issue I'm facing too, there isn't actually THAT many clubs being run in my city... When I was looking for basketball clubs online, there was only ONE proper club and then a social type club. When looking for Salsa, there wasn't many. Yoga, again not much. You would think if the clubs are out there people would be advertising them better, because it's extremely hard to find them!

I'll keep looking though and I'll eventually figure it out!

Anyways. I'll finish my post with this. If you want to get better at attracting women in your life. BUY MODELS by Mark Manson. I'm so excited about reading this book, it's just full of gold and I'm definitely going to be re-reading. Now all I need to do, is TAKE ACTION. Do the shit he says. Experience the rejections (Which is a good thing!) It screens the girls you don't want in your life anyways!

Peace!

-Brad

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Holy crap. I hit a real low today. My emotions just... exploded.

It all started at my boxing class this evening. All day I was looking forward to it, I've not been to the sparring class on Thursday in what feels like months. Most of the session was great, worked up a real sweat. Nearing the end of the session the sparring started, although it was slightly different today. A guy who used to train with the Academy was leaving to go live in America. Now the tradition is when someone leaves you do a shark tank on them. Which basically, everyone in the class forms a circle around the guy and then he fights each one of us individually for 3 minutes with no rest in between people. This guy is good, he's been training boxing and fitness for like 11 years now. I didn't know this at the time...

Let's put it this way, I hadn't sparred in over a month and... Yea, I got fucked up. I took some hard hits, I kept going but the anger inside me was boiling up big time. Bare in mind this was suppose to be a fun game, so we wasn't even going all out at each other. If someone got hit, you hold back until they're good to go again. But... I am real fucking competitive. I HATE losing, I got so god damn emotional that I was getting fucked up.

When my turn was over, I immediately took off one of my gloves and kicked it across the room. God dammit, I couldn't hold it in. I felt the tears coming through my eyes, I was starting to swell up. I took some deep breaths and managed to hold it together. My coach came over to me a little later on and asked if I was all good, I said to him "Yeah, I get so emotional when I get hit". He told me that this shows how much you care about your training. I started to swell up again, FUCK not whilst i'm talking to my coach. I just barely held it together. Gah why do I get emotional over this shit.

When I walked back to my car, the tears started to fall. I started to feel all of the negative things going on in my life right now. Everything that I had bottled up and remained in control of, was all coming out.  As I was driving my car, tears started to stream from my eyes.

(Warning: Post turns into emotional breakdown.)

In the moment, I felt like I have been putting on a smile this whole time, but I feel broken inside. I feel lonely as fuck, I really do have no friends. Only surface level friends, I am seriously lacking connection. I do have a supposed "Best Friend" who I grew up with, but I don't even hang out with him, ever... Unless we're getting drunk and going town on a weekend. Which... Hardly ever happens. I hate this feeling of feeling needy... Like I really do want to find someone who I can really connect with, in real life. But relying on other people for your own happiness is not healthy. I was feeling real hate towards my current situation. I'm working long ass hours at a job that isn't taking me anywhere near to my goals, everyone around me is saying, oh what a great job you have. Fuck you, I hate it. It's the same shit every fucking day, the same people, the same drive to work, the long ass commute. It wouldn't be so bad if on my lunch break I could go off and meet strangers, go to a coffee shop, have a chance to meet girls. But no, I get 30 minutes, we're close to nothing and the majority of my co-workers sit at their computer on their lunch break. Plus if you wanna leave the site, it takes 10 fucking minutes to even get to your car. I feel trapped there.

Oh well if you hate it so much, just leave. If only it was that fucking simple mate. This is another reason I was feeling real hatred towards myself. I decided before Christmas that i'd take up coaching with Cam. It was alot of money but I felt like he would help fix my problems so I went for it, I was desperate. And yes, I've definitely made progress. But the reason that i'm so pissed off at myself, is because I did not take full advantage of it. I took advice on board and then proceeded to do fuck all about it. It's all my fault, I have a real issue with taking action. The coaching is coming to an end and I feel like I've hardly moved, and it's all my fault. I didn't take action on all the advice he gave. Now i'm stuck for the next few months paying off Cam feeling like i've just wasted that money. And this is one reason I can't just quit my job, I have a commitment to pay him, I also have to pay for my car, for my board at home and all the other subscriptions like the gym and all that shit.

Taking a step back now. The coaching definitely helped, and I have now got the ball rolling. I'm definitely feeling the holiday blues. I'm being wayyyyy too impatient. For the next few months, I will have no money at all. Unless with some miracle, when I launch my online store it booms straight away... This is stressing me out, i'm working somewhere that's making me miserable just so I can pay everything off. Fuck that shit bro, after I get through these next three months and I finally have some money back in my bank account. I'm making sure I ain't ever working to pay off debt again, it's such a horrible feeling and I really do not understand how people cope with this for 20-30 years of their life - Paying off a mortgage for a house way too big, a shiny car that they can't really afford. Fuck. That. I wanna be free, I will be free. I honestly do wish I would just get rid of all my possessions, grab a backpack and live in a tent lol. And you know, I might just do that once I pay off my debts.

I really needed to vent this out, I understand it's quite toxic but I'm tired of battling with my sub-conscious mind. To write this post, I let it take control, I just let it splurge out. I do now have the ability to separate my two minds. But constantly fighting against it is hard work man, but I will continue to do so. I just wanted to write my thoughts down in my journal. Because you know, it's my journal and I get to write what the fuck I want. And it's good to reflect on it.

Whilst writing the above, my conscious mind was telling me - Urgh you shouldn't write that, that's a bad mindset to have on that. But fuck it, I can't keep hiding my thoughts. You know I quite liked doing it too. Exposing my mind. But yeah, I do feel my situation sucks and I need to stay extremely committed to work my way out of it.

 

Ah yeah, I forgot to mention - I called my Dad after class and had what kinda felt like a mental breakdown on the phone lmao. Anyways, we figured I should definetely be looking at joining a sports team. Also he talked about getting out the house and just taking long walks into nature. Cam said to me to get out into nature too, but I never fucking did it. But you know, I get this feeling that i'll like it for a little while and then i'll just get extremely lonely and just wishing someone was with me. I'll never know till I do it.

I'm gonna look at finding a swimming club, also might try out Rugby lol. Gonna be checking out basketball on Monday evening too. I just need something to work towards that isn't work related... And i've always loved sports, and i've always loved competition. So finding a real competitive sport, which has a great community surrounding it where I can make friends will be perfect for me...

Gah what a shitstorm of an entry. But no one is reading anyways, so i don't give a fuck. Hey, if you are still reading - Hola at me, knowing that someone is reading helps... I know you shouldn't seek external validation, but my sub-conscious always is a little happier when I know someone is there. And I love you for being with me on my journey. <3

Brad.

Edited by Brad_Hurst
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40 minutes ago, Brad_Hurst said:

I hate this feeling of feeling needy... Like I really do want to find someone who I can really connect with, in real life. But relying on other people for your own happiness is not healthy.

I don't think it is unhealthy, in fact it's probably what life is probably all about. There's a good Jordan Peterson video about this but I've watched too to be able to find it quickly.

I am still struggling to get out the lone wolf, be strong on your own mindset I put myself in in my early 20's but I have gained 1 friend in the past year and it's making my life better. If I don't hang out with anyone for too long though, I quickly forget how important other people are and start viewing the world as me and everyone else.

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What if you flipped your perspective for a moment - that wasn't a low, but a high? ;)

Sounds like some emotional purging and release, sounds like some healthy self honesty, sounds like true intimacy with yourself and your problems. You'll feel wayyy better in no time I know it.

My thoughts:

  • Notice all those stories you tell about yourself. "It's my fault" "I failed to do this" "now I'm stuck" etc. True or not, just notice. Real, actual in experience, or just created mental stories? Just notice
  • Try to embrace loneliness, because it's just part of life and the whole actualization journey. I enjoy loneliness now - tells me I'm on my path doing my work, and covering up nothing :) real intimacy with yourself
  • Anger, loneliness, anxiety, what are they really? How do they show up in the body, how do they feel energetically? What are your labels about them? "Unwanted, bad, annoying, toxic"? What actually causes the suffering, the energy itself or the labels you assign them?
  • You mention you fight your subconscious mind. Stop it. That's a silly, unwinnable battle. Rather, be on the same side. Let it express whatever the fuck it wants to express. Whatever arises, let that arise. Stop fighting and resisting against your own expressions and experience, that's literally shooting yourself in the foot. You don't control it anyway, and having it arise and release does you a service
  • Mark Manson says it, a girl I talked to at the workshop I told you about said it: vulnerability makes you real, vulnerability makes you attractive
  • Drop the alcohol if you feel you're distracting or covering up something

I don't want this to sound like instructions, telling you what to do because oh I'm so wise. Listen to yourself ofc. They were just the thoughts that came to me while reading your post, perhaps you will find them useful :)

Youll be fine. Feel free to call me tomorrow if you want.

 

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Thanks for sharing brother. Everything that is coming up for you is exactly what needs to come up for you in order for you to be confronted by it, and this awareness gives you a powerful opportunity to make powerful new choices. Welcome to the game of life. It may look different than how you thought it should look, but it's exactly the medicine you need to live the epic life you envision inside. Godspeed on your journey, I am glad to be on it with you, I've got your back, we've got your back, and you've got this.

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Wassap, just checking in after the weekend,

I've been making progress with my Shopify store. It's coming together now, I spent a bit of time designing the logo and stuff. Quite simple but I think it's effective.

Camo Body

The theme of my store is going to be based on camouflaged products. I feel pretty confident with the store and I'm hoping that I'll be able to earn some cash through it. It's been a good learning experience so far regardless. I quite enjoyed creating the website. So even if the store doesn't work out as I planned I should still be able to sell it. It's got some SEO optimization, linked facebook, instagram and pinterest pages, plus it's own logo.

If you want to check it out in its current state, here's the link. Camo Body

The password to enter is: camobody

I've still got work to do on it, but I love the feeling of having something that is - MINE.

Thinking back to my gaming days, I always hosted the servers and added the plugins when playing games like Minecraft. And I was the tech guy setting up all the redstone traps and secret areas. I loved building that kinda shit.

I'm trying to identify some of the principles behind what I did when I was gaming to help identify my natural tendencies as such.

Some of the main things I've identified so far.

  • I enjoyed leading (I actually worked my way up on a GTA roleplay server to the slot holder of a racing faction. I was the leader of over 100 other players.) And before that I was the leader of my own racing crew. Training up and interacting with around 20 guys/girls. I had a relaxed but serious attitude when it came to leading, and I seemed to gain a good amount of respect from everyone.

    I also used to be a leader in my Air Cadets. I was promoted to the position of Corporal and would lead 10-20 cadets. It's weird as fuck, I have no problem standing infront of a bunch of people and shouting out orders. Or giving a presentation at school or some shit. But put me in a casual group conversation and I'm quiet as fuck.
     
  • Competition is another huge thing for me. Every single game I spent the majority of my time on. Was competitive. Games like League of Legends, Counterstrike, PUGB, Racing on SAMP. I was hugely competitive with other people, but also with myself. I could spend hours on end just practising my CS'ing on league or practising aim on counterstrike. And holy shit, the amount of time I spent practising race tracks for tournaments on GTA. I could drive the tracks with my eyes shut.

    I feel like I can utilize this huge drive for competition in the online business world. I feel it already. I've been searching up all of the top selling shopify stores, comparing them all to each other and implementing what they have done to my own store.

    Sports. I'm on the search for the sport that I want to get really competitive in. I'm going to a basketball club tonight to see how that goes. I went to my local park yesterday and was practising my shooting skills. It's a real scummy park and I felt like some chavs were gonna jump out the bush and stab me at any minute, but fuck it - I wanted to practise my aim lol.

 

On Saturday I went to see some live bands with a friend. I mean it was alright, I spoke to one of the guitarists and he gave me a shout out whilst on stage xD Shame not many people were watching lmao. At one point I thought my friends had ditched me so I left the bar and walked all the way to a dance club, and as soon as I got there they replied to my messages and said they were just in the back room at the bar! So I ran all the way back ahah. I chilled in the backroom for a bit, picked up this random guitar and started strumming the shit out of it when everyone else left. Then the guitarist who I spoke to earlier came in whilst I was rocking out. I sounded terrible haha. I told him, he should probably play instead and then I just listened to him playing for a bit.

We eventually left the bar and went to that dance club I went to earlier on. This is a different one to the one I usually go to, I fancied going because it has a much bigger dance floor. But my problem with it, is the type of people who go to it. Everyone seems a lot more up their own arse, everyone seems to stick in their little groups. You can't just dance up to girls and start dancing with them. I obviously tried, but ya compared to the other club no one seems that open.

So yea not the best night ever but it's still nice to get out.

I'll let ya'll know how my basketball practise goes!

Chow,

Brad.

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I'm getting closer and closer!

What's up people, I just had a pretty epic weekend. To be honest, it's something that is probably standard to most people. But it felt awesome to me!

Quickly before I begin, I went to that Basketball class on Monday and I loved it. I'm heading there again tonight. There was at least 12 guys there, half of them were in their 20's and they were all welcoming. Also there was a bunch of old boys too who were just as nice (And fit as fuck). I really enjoyed shooting hoops again, definitely got a lot to work but I'm happy I still had an underlying knowledge of the game and how it was to be played. Made some sick plays and got praised for it. Hell it was tiring though and my calves were pretty tight for the rest of the week.

The rest of the week consisted of waking up early, working on my online business for an hour, going to work and then martial art classes and also the gym. I've started reading a book called "Bigger Leaner Stronger" by Michael Mathews. This book is like the holy grail of fitness books. If you're a dude and you want look DAMN good, buy this book! It has all you need to know to build an epic body. There's even plenty of info in there for the girls too. It really nails down on the biology and science on building a BOMB ASS body. I'm actually well excited to read the book, not even that far through it yet just got to make the time to get through it!

My sparring this Thursday went a lot better than the week before. Although, I kept leaving my mouth open slightly and I got clipped on the jaw a few times and it really fucking hurt lol. I couldn't eat my food that night, my jaw was locked up lol. Still aches a little now, but I'll be aight. But yeah, my main progress was learning to stay in the fight more and moving whilst in punching range. Previously I'd slip and dodge whilst mainly moving backwards and mainly sticking to my jab game. ESPECIALLY against Big Boi Pac. Let me tell you, this guy weights like 20 Stone (280 pounds) and is just full on muscle mayn. He moves like a damn truck and when he punches it feels like you've been hit by one. And damn he's got a big circumference. It feels like you're running a damn marathon to do a 360 around this guy. ANYWAYS, instead of going backwards I actually went towards and under. You gotta be crazy to go towards this guy man, but it worked. You stay close and he can't hit you. So that felt pretty epic and it took a lot of balls to go do it, oh and a few uppercuts to the face lmao.

So this weekend.

I was invited by my best mate to go spend the weekend at his girlfriends Uni apartment who she shares with her friend too. The plan was to go up on Saturday, hangout for a bit, pre-drink and then head out into town and then I'd crash at their apartment for the night and then head home. First of all, I jumped at this opportunity. I pretty much never get to hangout with anybody, also I love going on night-outs! Since I don't really hangout with people I started to develop the belief that I can't do it, that I'm awkward as fuck when sitting around just chatting. Like there's something broken with me, everyone else seems to know how to 'hang-out' yet I don't know what the fuck to do.

The drive down there was fun, it was all country roads so they were nice and bendy. I was listening to my Kevin Hart audiobook too. I've been listening to more comedians lately to try and work on my humour and fun side. When I arrived, they came down and greeted me. Her friend was cute, I said hey to her and then just started having some 'guy talk' with my friend. One thing that I've really been working at it becoming less needy, I used be "Mr. Nice Guy" all the time around girls and mayn it turns them off so damn quick. So my goal this weekend was to play it damn cool, besides I was staying at their apartment so I didn't need to rush into things anyways. I kept my body language strong and confident. We went to the shop quickly to get some drinks, got the stuff out of my car and then headed up to their apartment.

I was shocked at how small it was, it had a small kitchen, a small bathroom and then two separate bedrooms opposite each other with a pull across curtain separating the two. I went and sat on his girlfriends bed with my friend and we were just chilling, chatting about random shit I guess. Her friend was in the room opposite, whenever we locked eye contact, I kept it strong and smiled warmly. I could feel a connection being built. I'm just gonna say their names now to make it easier. My Friend (Fin), his Girlfriend (Chelsea), her Friend (Sophie). Fin and I got some drinks and then shortly after 2 of Sophie's friends turned up and sat in her room. After a while, I went to go have a shower and as I walked past their room, I said "Hey, what's up?". Keepin' it cool...

After my shower I went back to Chelsea's room and then as the music went loud she told me that the girls all thought I was hot. DAMN this lit me up aha. I've really been working on my appearance lately, decided to grow a beard and I got a fresh cut by a friend just before I came. So I was already feeling pretty confident about my looks before this, but this gave me a nice little boost. The friends left and then us 4 played a drinking game. At this point I felt like my 'hanging-out' was going well, I felt present, I wasn't in my head as much. Ya I was probably more quiet than the others, but I didn't let that bother me this time.

We headed off to someone elses flat and had some more pre-drinks, there was like 12 people in this room and we played a drinking game called "Ring of Fire". At this point the alcohol was starting to kick in a bit and I felt on top of the world. I sat next to Sophie and we were talking a bit, but the main thing was. I was being physical, we were touching each others arms and hands. It felt awesome because I've seriously been lacking in physical touch with other human beings like my whole life! Its such a good feeling, you feel so much more connected to the other person. I've always been scared of physically escalating with girls and that is why I ALWAYS landed in the damn friend zone lol. Obviously, the drink helped but it was still a big thing for me...

After that we headed off to a house party. Let me tell you now, it was shit... No one was dancing! Anyways, I was set on having the most fun that night. In the kitchen stood like 10 girls, no guys. PERFECT I thought. I walked in that kitchen and just said, "AY What's up!" Let me tell you now, they swarmed around me. I was like, HOLY... SHIT. They thought I was one of the rugby players from upstairs lmao. They were all asking me a bunch of questions, I got a bit overwhelmed really. I tried answering them, I can't really remember what happened but I ended up just leaving the kitchen and heading back to my friend haha. I started speaking to this other dude named Charlie for a bit and then as I grew bored of that conversation, I stood up, said quite loudly to my friend. "Ay this is shit man", I shouted over to Sophie "We're leaving!", everyone JUMPED on the opportunity to leave the house party. Everyone was too scared to admit it, not my ass. As I walked up the stairs to leave, a whole flock of people followed lol.

We went to a pub which weirdly had a dance floor to the side. And my dancing unleashed. I started to light the floor up. What's funny is, when we were chilling in the apartment earlier. I said to Chelsea, with Sophie listening. "Look, my dancing has improved significantly since we last went out together. You're gonna have to hold Sophie back cause she's going to want to jump on me when I unleash my moves. I heard her laugh from the room opposite. Haha, last laugh on me though! What do you know? She starts dancing towards me and I grab her hand and perform my signature twizzle. We danced for quite a while, I'd try to advance things but she'd resist - I'd then dance off, come back later on and we'd dance together again. It was great fun.

I was nearly punched in the face at one point though... Aha, some dude tried dancing with her and I could see she really wasn't into it. At this point I had formed a dance circle and kept grabbing people and dancing with them in the middle. I worked my way around and finally got to him, he was as rigid as a rock mayn. He didn't wanna join my circle, this caused the circle to collapse and then he continued to try and dance with her. It was funny to watch but I thought I'd go save the day and danced in-between them. This motherfucker squared up to me, I was like ay what's up mayn. Smiled for a second and then just kept dancing. What's he gonna do? Sucker punch me? I had that angle covered. From all my boxing training, I felt confident as fuck. I could have knocked him out easily. I don't see the need to fight though, so I just diffused it.

Eventually we left and headed to a club. At the door I started teasing this big black guy about his poorly ironed shirt xD. He started bantering back at me, at least I thought it was banter. All my friends thought he was getting ready to fight me so they pulled me away. I was right though, he ended up buying me 2 shots later in the night! In the club I just continued dancing and having fun. I was making my way around the club dancing with a lot of people. Twizzling many different girls, I almost formed a circuit lol. I feel like I made a lot of connections through-out that night. I could dance with many different groups, leave and then rejoin them later and they were happy with my company. I danced with Sophie quite a lot too, I'd try to advance things again. She had actually just started seeing a guy, and I did know this. Although I don't know how involved they were, but I feel this was causing the resistance. And besides, I was still feeling the connection and the flirtation so I just continued. Determined to not let another girl fall into the hated friend-zone.

Eventually we left the club, grabbed some food and started walking back to the apartment. Fin and Chelsea somehow walked off at crazy speed so I was walking alone with Sophie, we chatted most of the way. Now was the time to test my luck. The original sleeping plan was that i'd sleep in between the two bedrooms. All by myself! I just said pretty boldy. Ay, let me sleep in your room. It's much warmer in there! She agreed. When I got into the room, I set up my bed and then exclaimed - Argh this thing is so uncomfortable - I'm sleeping in your bed! I jumped on her bed. Unfortunately I wasn't allowed to stay haha. So I slept on her floor. There was definitely still some flirtation going on between us. I hadn't built up enough sexual energy through-out the night to get in her bed. I shouldn't be so hard on myself though, it was a high stakes game and there was a lot of obstacles to get through. First of all, I didn't want to blow shit up and make it real awkward between us. Because I was staying in their apartment. Sure, if there was a moment when I felt like I could have gone for a kiss, I would have gone for it. But I never got that moment. So I didn't wanna force it. Second, her best friend is in the room just opposite and that surely would have made her a bit conscious, so I feel like she was holding back a bit. If there was more privacy, I feel like things could have gone further for sure.

ANYWAYS, the next day was pretty awesome for me!

First off, when we all woke up everyone obviously felt a bit rough. To be honest, I felt fine! We all went and had a cooked breakfast and then did some food shopping. We then spent the rest of the day hanging around the flat. This is when I really started to push some of my personal barriers. When we got back, I sat in Chelsea's room and spoke to my friend for a quite a bit. Sophie was sat on her bed all alone, and even exclaimed at one point "I feel really lonely over here". I thought to myself, well that's a damn opportunity. I waited for a bit, and then I got up and sat on her bed with her. She was happy that I joined her. We talked and we would touch each others arms at points in the conversation. It felt awesome! I will say though, it wasn't all talking. Most of the time we were just chilling on our phones. At one point though, she did something that I found to be really flirty and sure turned me on a little lol. Just before getting off the bed, she really slowly ran her finger along the 'Nike' tick on my joggers. It's a little thing but I found it fucking hot lol. We all went down and did their laundry. Well the girls did, my friend and I just sat in the waiting area leaned up against a nice warm radiator doing fuck all! :D

We chilled out in the laundry room for like an hour or 2 whilst we waited for it to finish. Chelsea's stuff finished faster so they headed back up, I stuck around and waited for Sophie. We went back up and chilled on the bed again, the washing was extremely warm so we both put our hands in their and we'd touch hands every so often. We'd tell each other when we'd found another warm spot and grab each others hand and direct it there. After our hands would be resting against each other. Again, the simple act of touching another human, feeling their warmth was so special to me. I really wanted to just grab her hand and hold it. Unfortunately I didn't go for it. I felt like it would probably have been weird. Unnecessary. Ah yea, I asked about her relationship with this 'New Fella'. She downplayed it, saying she wasn't so sure about him. Yet again, I picked that up as another sign of attraction.

At some point, we ended up lying down next to each other on the bed. Just on our phones really, not really doing much. But still, I was chilling out with some cute chick on her bed. This was all new shit to me, I didn't know what to do. So I just enjoyed it for what is was. Bare in mind my friend and his girlfriend were in the room opposite, I felt like even if I tried a move - despite the connection I feel we had, it wasn't going to happen. The mood wasn't right for it.

Eventually, after a day of doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. My friend and I headed back home. We all went to my car, Sophie shuffled over, we hugged and said goodbye. And we left. I did not feel guilty about doing nothing like I usually do when I'm at home. This felt like a big step in my growth. I was really happy with how the weekend went. Sure most guys would be like, yeah but you didn't bang her bro. I was just happy I felt connection and attraction with someone. And the fact I actually hung around with some friends for once. It was special to me. And to be honest, I really felt this deep feeling that I've missed out on so much through-out my teen years. That everyone else around me had been experiencing these type of feelings 4 years ago. Or even sooner. I know there are people my age in a similar situation to me. It still doesn't stop me from wishing I had started sooner.

The other thing is, the whole community environment of uni life. I feel like I'm missing out. I could be getting those experiences daily if I was in that environment constantly. I feel a lot of growth each time I go out. I feel like I'd grow a lot if I was there. It's when I witness and experience these other areas of life that it makes me really quite depressed about sitting in this damn office all day missing out on these opportunities. I want to grow, I can grow, I have grown, but I feel restricted by my work situation.

The most frustrating thing for me is. I know that inside of me there is this really fun guy who loves to connect with people, to tease and joke around, to care and protect those around me, who can work fucking hard when I put my mind to something. But so very rarely does that guy get released. Drinking and going to clubs, releases that guy. Crushing people on video games released that guy. Being the best on the field in a sport, released that guy... And finally, a feeling of being accepted... Like I'm going somewhere, feeling free. Releases that guy.

I want that confident ass motherfucker to be released all the damn time! I know he's there.

I think I've realised, I like to be in control, to be leading from the front. I don't like being a follower. I love being the winner. I think the biggest thing for me since quitting video games is, suddenly - I'm not the best. And I'm not the best in a lot of areas in my life. It's hard to accept. But I'm starting to fall in love with the game, the grind, the process. My only issue is... Being at work does not feel part of that grind. And thus, a large portion of my life is spent on something I have no passion towards, I feel no progress. And this can, and does, spill into other areas of my life. ESPECIALLY my love life. How the fuck can I speak passionately to a girl about my life if I hate what I'm doing for 60% of it. As soon as my finances have been settled and I've built a little emergency cash. I'm outta here man. The hard thing for me is, I do like elements of the CAD design. But I just don't know if it's something I want to dedicate the rest of my life to perfecting. But yeah, the main issue with my work is the time commitment. I do not feel in CONTROL of my time. And that is what depresses me. WHICH, is why I so badly want to learn how to make money online. It's for the freedom I feel like it can grant. The control over my own destiny.

Anyways, that is a matter of time. Trust the process. I KNOW, that as long as I stay committed. I will get there. I know that I can become the guy with an abundance of girls, an abundance of time and freedom. I feel it. I really truly do. I just sometimes wish it would happen sooner.

 

Holy shit, that was a long post today. I really enjoyed writing it actually. Expressing my feelings and thoughts, telling my story, it feels good. It's these random adventures that happen in my life that get me really excited. Especially when I am experiencing growth within myself.

Much love is sent for reading through it! You guys are awesome! :D

- Brad.

 

Edited by Brad_Hurst
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Something that has really been playing on my mind since the weekend, and to be honest - Has played on my mind for a long time...

I really feel like I'm missing out on the uni lifestyle, and that I've not lived my teenage years to the fullest. I haven't really been reckless and generated a shit ton of fun filled stories. I know I shouldn't live in regret, but I'm finding it quite hard to accept that my teen years were not as exciting and experimental as others. It sounds stupid when you sit back and really look at what I'm saying, especially the older you are. But I am feeling this deep regret that I haven't lived my teenage life to it's fullest potential. I'm 20 in just over a month and I look back over my teen years and I literally spent the majority of it playing video games. Trying to rank up in LoL or CSGO, playing stupid amounts of hours on GTA. Meanwhile other teens were working on their social lives, doing stupid shit, messing around with girls, experimenting with their looks, with drinks. with different friends. I think the biggest thing that is playing with my head is the fact I am constantly hearing stories from friends that they have been fucking like rabbits since the age of 15/16. And I haven't even had one experience lol. And from the few experiences where I have gotten close recently, it felt awesome. This only makes me think, oh man I've missed out on all this awesome shit through-out my teen years. Only now am I trying to make the changes, I'm finally starting to experiment with my looks, with my clothes, actually noticing girls as these beautiful things I can interact with. Yes, I'm happy that I've at least started making the changes. But it's fucking hard man, so damn hard. I don't have those opportunities that I had back in school where I was surrounded by girls. It feels like I've just thrown SO MANY opportunities away, and I have. You never believed your parents when they said that school was some of the best years of your life, and I feel like it's true - You have so much freedom as a kid. The annoying thing is, I'm now at a stage where I want to go out and experiment with all this shit, and I've made it 10x harder on myself because I've gotten myself into a rut. I have payments that need to be paid each month meaning I can't just quit my job, if I wanted to go to Uni - I wouldn't be going for the qualifications and education, I'd be going for the 'Party lifestyle'. And I know this is stupid... I honestly don't know what I'd study at Uni if I was to go. When I was doing my A levels I thought about Engineering, but I'm not so sure now that I've witnessed the kind of environment you work in. Maybe Psychology or something to do with sports, but I probably lack the qualifications to get in and also to be quite honest... I really do not want to become an employee again lol. Oh and lets not forget the stupid amount of debt you get into by going to Uni, that was my main reason for not going in the first place.

So yeah, when you weigh it all up. As much as I'd love to go for the Social Life, the girls, the sports teams, the parties and the community. It really wouldn't be worth it for my career. But I'm not really thinking about my career right now, my mind is set on fixing my social life and that's why I'm getting all of these warped beliefs. I guess I'm thinking going to Uni would be a 'Quick fix' to my social problems. To be honest, I do think it would - Because I'd make sure I made the most of it and really worked on my social skills. But going for that reason, in my logical mind is fucking STUPID. This is what is making it so hard to accept. My heart really wants to go because I want to experience all the fun shit that seems to be going on, and experience relationships with girls and stuff. But my head is telling me that it's not a wise decision.

So. What can I do?  Because there is no point in just constantly bitching about the situation lol. Unfortunately, I will need to stick my job out for a little while longer until I have settled the payments and then built at least a little bit of a emergency fund so I don't end up in a situation where I am desperate for money. I need to fix up my motorbike and get that sold. I need to get some money rolling in online. Really limit my spendings. At the same time though, I want to be going out and socialising - Working on those skills. And at this time of year, and in England especially - That means spending money. It's not like Australia where you can just rock up to the beach and not have to spend any money. To meet people my age, that usually means going to clubs or to the shopping centre. Or joining groups, which again - Costs money... Nothing seems to be free here. I need to start utilizing Tinder... I probably won't ever find the type of girl that I'd truly mesh with on there - But then again, that's just a belief and I don't know shit. But yeah, just build up some damn experience with girls. I need to get some better pictures of myself on there. I'm just gonna have to tell my sister straight up, "Ay, I need you to take some pictures of me for my Tinder" lmao...

The main thing I need to do... is stay fucking patient. Trust the process! Things are changing for me, just not as quick as I'd like them to be.

I feel like if I just fuck one chick that would shut me up for a while too xD. JUST ONE. So I know that I can do it! So that I've experienced it. So that I realise it's not really that special and I shouldn't just throw my life away chasing that shit. Because I know that it's causing me to not think straight right now. I just have this weird feeling that it would flip this switch inside of me. I'd go from feeling inferior to others because I seem to be the only one who's never had sex, to then feeling like I am normal and thus would increase the confidence in myself. I get this feeling, because each time I have gotten closer and closer I feel myself becoming more and more confident about myself. I hate how much my confidence fluctuates man. I'll tell you what triggers my low confidence, because I usually walk around feeling confident as fuck. It is when I think about girls, when I think about my lack of experience, my lack of opportunities to meet them, my lack of 'game', oh and seeing everyone around me who seems to have relationships - That triggers me a lot man. It's frustrating... Because I understand that this is an unhealthy way to be, yet I still have the thoughts and it still affects me.

 

I really just wanted to share my feelings right now, get it off my chest. There is no point in hiding it, I want to expose my thoughts. Putting my thoughts in writing allows me to process them better. And sometimes makes me realise how stupid I sound lol. The truth is though, what I wrote there runs through my head most days and is what usually triggers my toxic feelings.

Edited by Brad_Hurst
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I just read a book called 'The Flinch'. And h00lly shit.

It's a really quick read. But oh man.

It is all about overcoming fears, well - Not even overcoming them, but acting despite them! It talks about why you have developed these fears and how listening to your inner dialogue causes you to not take action.

The Flinch is that feeling you get when you stand in front of a freezing cold shower before you get in it. Your body tightens up, your mind is telling you how stupid of an idea it is to jump in there. And the bases of the book is... Jump the fuck in and learn from the experience itself. You will actually realise that the pain you endure by taking action is no where near as bad as what you PERCIEVED it to be.

Sure, you will get burnt and you will fail. But it's from getting these scars that you gain the real experience and knowledge. And the great thing is, the more you recognise the flinch within you and take action anyways - The easier it becomes at dealing with the next flinch.

This is how we grow as a person, by constantly putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations, by stretching the boundaries... And learning where the walls are through FIRST-HAND experience not by what others are telling you!

Seriously, read this book if you are struggling with taking action. With taking your fears head on.

I actually read this during work and I got so fucking motivated and pumped by it, I so nearly just walked up to my boss and told her I quit. I recognise that it was the flinch that stopped me from doing it then. Instead, I wrote down the date that I will quit. 31st June 2018. By this point I will have paid off my major debts and saved up some cash to float on. It made more sense logically...

The main reason I picked up this book was actually to help me when it came to interacting with women. Working on my "Game". I have some real fears when it comes to approaching. And I get to overcome these fears by taking action! It's going to be uncomfortable as fuck, but I need to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable. I need to learn this shit first hand, not watching a load of youtube videos of other dudes telling you it, or reading books telling you it. I need to burn myself.

For sure I will re-read this, because this is what has been plaguing me. That's why I so often write or tell people I'm gonna do shit, and right when it comes to actually do it... I fall back, I retreat. Then I complain at my lack of 'opportunities', I then read more books and watch more videos hoping they'll prepare me more for next time. I just gotta push through my fears.

- Brad

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3 hours ago, Brad_Hurst said:

This is how we grow as a person, by constantly putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations, by stretching the boundaries... And learning where the walls are through FIRST-HAND experience not by what others are telling you!

 

Amen to that brother.  So much of my life I've lived in my "comfort zone", and it's not helped me grow at all.  I read a few of your posts - man, I really commend you for trying to meet new people every day, that takes some courage. 

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I felt the flinch big time today.

I went cold approach daygame SOLO for the first time. Oh man, it was brutal. Even though my inner game is spectacular and I vastly love myself, approaching a single girl seemed impossible for the first 30minutes. No anxiety, just cold, dead resistance. APATHY. Mark Manson talked about it. Shoved in my head and just "naaah fuck it can't be arsed for this shit".

Eventually the disappointment started overtaking the resistance, I set myself a mission of atleast 5 approaches before I leave no matter what, so may as well get it over with. Remembered the "trick": just move. Let the mind protest but make the feet walk, until you're in and it's too late.

Lo and behold, I survived the awkwardness, and lo and behold, after every set it got easier and easier and I effortlessly fell into state. By the end I was just self amusing and approaching left and right like no big deal.

God, what a relief. For a second i thought I had lost it.

Lesson: Just START, it gets better. The first one hurts. It HURTS xD

 

RSDJulien calls the first approach of the day "the sacrificial lamb", because it hurts, and it's probably gonna suck ass, but it's a necessary sacrifice for the awesomeness to come xD (can apply the same to sex, date or whatever)

Edited by thehondasc00py
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6 hours ago, thehondasc00py said:

I went cold approach daygame SOLO for the first time. Oh man, it was brutal. Even though my inner game is spectacular and I vastly love myself, approaching a single girl seemed impossible for the first 30minutes. No anxiety, just cold, dead resistance. APATHY. Mark Manson talked about it. Shoved in my head and just "naaah fuck it can't be arsed for this shit".

Dudeeee, I totally relate to this. Apathy is something huge for me... Although I haven't gone and done day game yet. When I do find myself in a situation where I could go and approach a girl. That resistance builds massively, I feel nothing, the mind goes blank... And yeah you end up making up excuses.

For example, I went to the gym yesterday and told myself I'd approach a girl if the opportunity was there. Whilst I was there, there was a girl who I thought seemed kinda cute. Problem I faced, I was in the middle of my workout and I didn't wanna lose the squat rack (There is only one, all my exercises are based around it). I used this as my excuse not to go up to her. Maybe I'm being a bit hard on myself in this situation, because I was there to workout, not approach. Ah but then! She seemed to have finished her workout and was on her phone by the water fountain beside her friend. I just finished my workout, I refilled my bottle. And when I turned around, she briefly looked up and smiled and I smiled back and said "Hey, what's up?". Man, I don't know if she heard me or not... I think I mumbled it to be honest. But her head immediately went back down to her phone. I freaked out and just left the gym lol.

At least I kinda tried...? The gym is a tough environment... But sure as hell I felt the flinch big time then.

I should have been more direct, stood there - Asserted myself better. Got an actual reaction from her, rather than fleeing at the first sign of rejection.

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I was suppose to post this last night but I fell asleep instead... Oopsie.

Loving myself more and more is becoming my main priority right now.

I have really started to take care of my appearance. I've been working out relentlessly and learning alot about fitness and food, and I love it! I've started to grow a beard intentionally and am maintaining it well. And finally, keeping my face and body nice and clean. I'm now regular using cleansers and moisturizers. Using coconut oil at night! Smells goooood.

My mind is growing stronger and stronger each day. I wake up at 5:00AM every morning, jump in a freezing cold shower (Till it warms up cause it's broken), I meditate for at least 10 minutes, work on my online business and then eat a healthy breakfast whilst reading a book.

I am learning to accept where I am right now. It is part of the process, and the process is what I need to love in order to be happy. Yes, these are hard times for me... But, i'm beginning to feel happy about that, because when shit is hard, that is when we grow the most. And looking back over the last few months, I've exposed alot of shit. It's been tough, but I only come out stronger. I'm grateful that it is happening now at such a young age, because this will enable me to grow significantly over my lifetime. And i'm really excited to see how far I can go.

It's amazing how much can change in a year really. I just found some pictures of my body 1 year ago. I created a folder called 'Body Progression', and holy shit the difference in my body is quite amazing.

Jan 2017                                                                                               Feb 2018

597aa0a130a37ff1a87436a168ab5ec1.pnga50b7d26b66b8d4b663f084542b68855.png

 

To me, the difference is quite amazing as you never really see yourself changing. I wasn't even tensing or anything. When I get back from the gym I look swole as fuck xD. It would be awesome if I could do a similar thing to the strength of my mind haha.

I've still got a long way to go in terms of my body goals. I'd like to get a bit bigger on the muscle size, not too big though. But the main thing I want to do is reduce my body fat percentage. Especially around my stomach, this area for me is really quite 'stubborn'. The transformation above happened without that much knowledge on fitness and nutrition really. Now that i'm learning all about it, i'm quite excited to see how much will change in the next year!

Finally, after speaking to Cam yesterday, he said something to me that got me quite excited. He mentioned how he could tell through the way I approach my sports and stuff that I naturally have a 'high work ethic'. And it made me realise, holy shit yeah I do. When I think back to when I did manual labour for Dad, I worked fucking hard. Whenever I play sports, I work fucking hard... Now I need to work on applying that same natural work ethic across all areas of my life. I believe it is slowly building. I can feel it coming through with my business stuff. The main thing now is to get the ball rolling with my relationships. I need to put more effort in there, get the ball rolling. Because I know, just by knowing myself - That once that ball does start rolling, I go balls to the motherfucking wall.

I'd like to finish up my doing something that will help with my self love. For the next 2 weeks I will be aiming to post 3 things every day that were working for me that day.

So for yesterday, what worked for me was:

  • Channeling the energy from my frustrations at work to then destroy the gym later out. Smashing my PB in Squat and Deadlift.
  • Figuring out that caffeine before working out, is amazing!
  • Recognizing that, I am putting in the effort to improve my situation - And that i should be happy for myself, for that.

- Brad

 

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