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dandielionous- My Journal


dandielionous
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8:36 PM

My style when game playing is to not talk on the forums, the uni chat, any chat as little as possible other than like a tell or some on guild chat.

I learned this style from talking on uni, in the forums, and other chats because most the time I played I never had a guild.

I never talked smack before or after.  I ganked and would kill afk if you had your tags on.  I still would.  

I was the most hated character in the game.  I had every faction, non-faction and Customer Service Rep against me.  

I cultivated this image.  When I walked in a room I wanted people to be afraid of me.

I also had an alt.  In an enemy faction that did nothing but dig and craft all day, was in a guild and had lots of friends.

I am a little scared here.  You are people who would have probably been my enemy in the game.  You are the people I count on for my recovery.

 

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We have a similar playstyle. Except one thing : I wasn't hated by the communities I came in and I wasn't trying to steal things and doing others weird things like you :D .

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Day 11

6:37 AM

It is cold this morning and I am sneezing.  It was beautiful yesterday.  A cold front came in through the night.  Thank God I have some propane.

I have decided to write in my journal on my desktop before pasting in Game Quitters Journal.  The reason for that has to do with creativity.  This gives me the five seconds I need before I stick my foot totally in my mouth. :) 

I am pleased with the way things are going on the Game Quitters forums except I think I talk too much.  (*sigh)  I like to talk!  I feel it's good to let others know that I acknowledge they are alive.  I like them to acknowledge that I am alive too. :) 

Writing….  Upon writing…  Well one thing I hope my computer don't crap out cause the fan is making a noise.  I will have to take it apart later today.

I think part of that noise is my computer struggling to keep up with my internet connection.  I just shut off the internet while I am writing this.  

Okay writing.  When I was a little girl we used to write letters.  Handwritten, real letters.  We would walk over to the Post Office, buy a stamp for three cents and mail them.  Mail came twice a day and seven days a week.  I think the mail only came once on Sunday.  I have had people dispute me about mail coming on Sunday but it seems like I remember that it did.

Anway, Mom sit us girls down when we were very little and started us writng a letter to Grandma Ruby, Grandma Jessie, cousins, Aunts, etc.  Mom used to say that Aunt Gayles wrote just like she talked.  Lol

Aunt Gayles always had a cigarette hanging from her mouth.  She would cook with this cigarette hanging from her mouth.  The ash never fell off.  We used to watch her while she cooked waiting for this ash to fall off.  Lol  She talked consistently in her thick southern accent all while she cooked, but never once did we see the ash fall off lol.  Us kids used to joke and say she had a needle stuck down inside her cigarettes so the ask wouldn't fall off. :)

Grandma Ruby always started her letters, “Hello how are you?  The weather is fine.  How is your weather?”

We were taught to take a letter and lay it down beside us when we were answering a letter.  We would re-read the letter.  As questions came up we would answer them, adding in questions of our own as we wrote.

Mom had a friend Ruby Norris that was close to her age.  The two families were friends.  Norris's didn't have children.  Ruby would write letters to Mom in a fun way.  She would write letters starting in a spiral in the center of the paper until the words covered the entire page.  Another favorite way for them to write letters to each other was backwards. Lol  Each letter was printed backwards from right to left.  You had to look at it through a mirror to see what it said. :)  They had a lot of fun writing each other.  :)

Each letter was anxiously awaited.  All sorts of strategies were used to get a person to answer you quickly.  We figured if we made our letters interesting enough the other person would be more anxious to write right back.

We sprayed out letters with perfume.  Sealed them with a kiss (SWAK) on the back as we got older and had boyfriends.  Tried to get the mail before our mothers so they wouldn't read our mail.

IMHO something has been lost in the art of letter writing.  I believe it was good early training for me.

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My recovery.  I need to move away from this computer more.  It is hard today because it is cold outside.  

I am visiting my neighbors, going to the store.

I am not gaming.

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IMHO something has been lost in the art of letter writing.

Instant messaging has made written language dull, unfortunately. Even e-mail lost it's original purpose and now it is only something required to fill in forms and receive sales letters.

But I think you might be interested in writing morning pages. I do it sometimes, not very often, though!

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@kingstravy I'm not really sure why you gave me a link to a game.  Is that a game? How odd. I meant more like this Pendulum

@Reno F I bookmarked that link.  Thank you :)  I will check it out more later.

Day 12

Not sure what time it is...  8?

I am cold.  The day is cold.  I am wearing sweat pants, long fuzzy robe, t-shirt, socks, fuzzy slippers, thermal jacket and coat, and hoodie.

My fire is burning but that only does so much.  I have put a pan on the stove for humidity.

My life is so messed up :(  My fault for sitting here playing games for a year and a half and still didn't get my damn character levelled.  Playing as hard as a good for incredible long stretches.  I object to a game that has years of grind just to take care of yourself in the game.  Let alone developing a super, awesome character.

My computer crashed it's desk top cinnamon :( It's in fall back mode Linux mint 17.3  I think it's a problem with the updates I just did.  It's been making funny sounds for two days.  I restarted and now it don't work :( 

Ah checked time on google it's 9:36.

Well I'm running out of propane soon with the cold weather.  My electric will soon go off.  My check doesn't come until the 28th :( 

Guess I have to go borrow some money from someone.  *sigh  I hate to borrow money.

If things are all shut off you may not hear from me until the 28th. :(

God has his own way of getting me off this computer. lol

If I was playing Ryzom none of this would stop me.  I would still be playing until I was a cold, shriveled husk starved to death lying on my floor with the rats eating me.

@Cam Adair  Thanks for starting Game Quitters.

I'm going out to face the real world... :(

 

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Day 13

10:00 AM

The leaves are changing colors.  Soon they will be falling from the trees. Winter has come early and hard this year.  I am afraid of global warming.

It is not so cold today.  I have so much to do.

I feel as though I am coming out of a haze.  I can look out the window.  I can be aware of my surroundings.

I sat all last summer in my house with no air conditioning and my computer making the room hotter in one of the hottest summers South Texas has ever recorded playing game.  I spent two months broke out in prickly heat all over.  But my mind was in Ryzom.  I didn't live in this world.  I could seriously lose myself from my surroundings.

I used to wish I could just live inside my computer.

Wow, I never thought I would end up like this. :(

All the hopes and dreams of a lifetime.  All the times I have tried to succeed...  Thrown away gaming.

At this point all I see is so much nothingness in front of me, like a milk-white haze and then death.

This is what I have left myself.

I had a good friend that died last year. An older gentleman (possibly 85).  I was friends with him and his wife.  He had more in common with me because we were both working on fixing the computers for the computer club here.  There is a person who was really truly my friend.  If he did nothing else before he died, he showed me that.  Funny I can remember his wife's name and I can't remember his lol.  

He told me when I turned 60 that I could accomplish as much in the next 25 years of my life as I had in the last 25.  That it wasn't over. It's just a new beginning after 60.

So I have taken these precious years and thrown them away with both hands.

Okay, okay I remember his name now.  God what have I done to my memory.

One day at a time, one day at a time.

I will not game today.

The sun has gone behind the clouds again.  My soul feels starved for sunlight.

Even if it is cold today.  I will bundle up and at least walk to the Post Office.  It's only two blocks, okay three, from my house.

I think I will make a new goal.

Each day I will write in this journal.  Each day unless it's really raining, I will walk to the Post Office.

That should give me a start to my day.

Bit by bit, day by day...

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Day 14 (Two Weeks! Cheer!)

10:50 AM


Well I have exhibited very bad behavior. :(  I made a goal to read one journal a day.  That was going pretty well until I started reading @AlexTheGrape Journal.  Then my gaming behavior reared it's ugly head.  I started pushing through to finish the journal. lol  I didn't realize at first it was 51 pages. lol  

So I worked as hard as I could the first night, second night, I am up to my fifth day or fourth not sure on reading Alex's journal. lol  The past two nights I have sat up until after 2 AM reading his journal!

So I see that I am going to have to set some type of limit on time for reading journals.  But I am definitely going to have to shut it down by 10 PM.

So I make it a goal to read an hour or two of journals a day.  Unless the journal is a quick little niblet. :D

I did go to the Post Office yesterday.  I will continue trying to do that every day.  And walk to the harbor on Sunday.

Related image

Edited by dandielionous
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5:41 PM

@Cam Adair Thank you for the Good Job!  It means a lot that someone sees my small victories. :D

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I look at my house and my yard.  I see so many things I need to do.  I defeat myself before I start.

I must remember to celebrate my small victories.  I went to the Post Office again today.  I am getting up, getting dressed, taking a bath, brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, writing in this journal.  I went to the grocery store.  Something I rarely do.  I made the right choice this time.  Instead of fast food from the convenience store that costs too much and my body doesn't really want.

I am writing in this journal.  I am reading other journals.  I have made 14 days.

I am getting back some clarity... huh... what forgot what I was saying! lol (jkng)

Time takes time.  Everything on time and everything with time.

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I feel tearful.  I have felt tearful for about the last hour and a half.  I think of how much I have fucked up.  I think of the amends I need to make to people who were really good friends.  I think of the amends I wish I could make to those who are dead and gone. :(

I would sit down in the morning for just an hour...  Days would go by.

I know in my heart I can not play games.  This isn't the first time I have lost everything behind playing a game.  It takes a long time to repair a person's life after they after ran themselves just about as far down as they can.

When I think of going back to gaming...  I feel hate coming to me.  I feel my whole interior changing.  I feel vicious and evil.

I am not that person.  I am a person who has a temper.  I am a strong person.  I am a brave person.  I am not afraid. I am independent.  I don't like to ask things from others and I'm honest to a fault.

I wonder how much of the fight/flight response the gaming developers are tapping into.  I am a person who will fight.  This is a negative emotion.  Hate is a negative emotion.  That book Hooked talks about tapping into negative emotions hooks people more.

I wonder if people who will fight and have tempers get addicted more than introverts and people who do not have tempers.

Okay not tearful anymore. :)

I am not alone.

 

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Hey good Job on all this Little consequent changes. I kno that this is harder then it seems. I wouldn't advice you to reed my whole Journal. It is pretty usntructured and a lot of rambling in bad english is there too. But feel free to do it anyway if you like :)

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Hi Dandielionous,

Firstly, well done on writing a journal to 15 days. It is alien to many people to write about their life instead of just living it, so taking the time to reflect is a wonderful thing you're doing.

I'm amazed at your self-awareness, you seem to be noticing the problems everywhere and contemplating the how's, why's, and what's to do next. That is another level of consciousness, so keep it up! :)

The only advice I have for you at the moment is to not be too hard on yourself for not achieving goals, and make sure they're SMART goals. It was really wonderful you tried to read an entire journal every day, but as you mentioned it took a very long time to get through mine. If there are any lessons or changes you'd like to write down and take note of, it'd be great to have a daily way to apply them, or turn them into goals (I need to be much more consistent with my own self-development actually...).

I shall be writing a better thank-you in my journal for reading it. :)

Keep on keeping on, I'm sure you'll be in a better place out the other end of the detox. :D

To finish off I am making a phrase that I hope is memorable for you (with some photos I took yesterday for flavour)

This path will be rocky, it will be difficult, but it is the path that will take you to the top.

DSC02629.JPG

DSC02599.JPG

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@AlexTheGrape Thank you for the photos!  I have been downloading your photos to use for desktop picitures etc. :)

Thank you for the encouragement. :)  

Reading your journal was like reading a coming of age story.  Have you ever read the Diary of Anne Frank? I would give you a link but my internet is not working that well. ;( I believe it's available for a free download.  I think there is also a movie.

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