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dandielionous- My Journal


dandielionous
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Day 16

10:50 AM

Yesterday was a totally non-productive day.  By the time I finally felt like moving it was 2:30 in the afternoon.  I thought about it for another hour then gave up the idea all together.

I was very busy the day before.  I went to see neighbors, went to wal-mart, went to post office, saw friends etc.  Then yesterday I was totally non-productive.  I have noticed this about myself before while keeping this journal.  

I am trying to go from a total sedentary state to where I was almost two and a half years ago when I was not gaming.  I have to say, "Well that didn't work!" lol

I must not be too gentle on myself.  Just sitting in front of the computer doing other activities than gaming.  But not too hard. Trying to fix everything in one day.

@hycniejsy Hycniejsy has accepted my challenge for staying non-gaming for two weeks until January 4th.  I am not really fond of issuing challenges.  I have never issued a challenge before.  But I feel two weeks is one I can handle.

My approach is to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.  I am not out of the woods yet.  I am still sitting in front of the computer the majority of the day.  I have times I tear up for no reason.  Then the next second I feel exhilarated.

The horrible truth is after Christmas I will have to work on quitting smoking too.  This is very hard for me. I have smoked 50 years.

To me the main thing here is prioritized is stop gaming.  If I do nothing else all day long I can not game.  As long as I do not game, my day has been a success.  I must remember that.

I must remember to stay in the present.  Right here, right now, this moment, this second, I am right here right now.

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Upon Self Help Books

I have read many, many, maaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyy, self help books.  I read self help and religious books and every other kind of book until I knew all the words they would say before they said them.

Finally, one day I came across a phrase in the Mormon Bible I believe it was a quote from Jesus.  It said,"Why do you look for me in books when I am with you?"

Now I have tried in the last few days to research this quote.  I can find no reference to it through Google.  But this helped me a lot.

Because I realized if I was walking outside reading a book, totally concerned with trying to be like some book was telling me to be, I would miss a fairy sitting in a tulip.  (Yes I would love to see a fairy! Not saying there are any but if there are I would like to see it! :) )

If Jesus or God or Gandhi or my Dead Mother were walking down the road toward me I wouldn't see it.  

I think self-help books have a place but eventually we have to realize the authors are just people like us.

I feel I need to make contact with the Kingdom of God which lies within me.  I need to listen to his voice on the wind.  I need to thank Gaiya as her warmth comes up from the earth.  I need to touch a tree and understand it's communicating with God.

So yes I feel self-help books have a place.  I just feel eventually we must grow out of them.

As Bug Bunny would say, "T-t-that's all folks!"

 

Edited by dandielionous
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@AlexTheGrape Thank you for the photos!  I have been downloading your photos to use for desktop picitures etc. :)

Thank you for the encouragement. :)  

Reading your journal was like reading a coming of age story.  Have you ever read the Diary of Anne Frank? I would give you a link but my internet is not working that well. ;( I believe it's available for a free download.  I think there is also a movie.

You're welcome! Great to hear you like my photos, I always take scenic ones so they do tend to make good desktop backgrounds :)

Oh, why is it like a coming of age story? It is currently over only a little more than a year's worth of time, so I didn't think I'd have matured all that much haha. Yes I read about half of Anne Frank's diary, I should probably read it again sometime, but I have a lot to read already... :D

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@AlexTheGrape In the beginning you were reaching out and trying so hard to make friends.  I love the youtube video of you dancing!  Going up to five people to give them a compliment. :)  Having people take a picture with you that had that sign, "I don't know this person."

You kept it up.  Every day.  Until people were eating lunch with you.  You later in your journal talked about my friends in a casual way that had taken so long for you to develop.

The beginning of your journal reminded me when I first started giving gratitudes.  Over and over I would be grateful for spaghetti.  I don't know why I got stuck on spaghetti particularly but it kept popping up in my gratitudes.  I notice in the beginning of your journal you kept being thankful for water.  Later on occassionally.  But at first almost every time :)

The other thing I noticed was at first when you didn't accomplish a task like meditation for example you would say, "I forgot".  As you got more time you would say, "skipped'.  And now you just say nope or no lol. :)  To me I could see your self confidence building through this.

You self confidence has grown!  Now you see something that isn't working for you and you correct it.  Before you had to learn when something wasn't working for you.  Like 8/50min study periods you reduced down to 6-50 minute study periods.

It was like seeing how games had kept you from so much emotional and social development.  Yet you fought back!  You decided to grow up!  And in a years time you moved from the emotional development of a 7 year old to the emotional development closer to a man of your age.

Seriously, I am surprised all the girls aren't after you now.  I trust though you will not play Casinova.  From your journal I believe you will find the right person for you someday in your own way.

Honestly, I'm not sure why your story reminded me of The Diary of Anne Frank it's been a long time since I read it too. :) I just know that I felt as though you had learned how to fly free.

FlyFreeOwl.thumb.jpg.c0ac1bfd04dfccd98ac

AlexTheOwl

 

Edited by dandielionous
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@dandielionous thank you so much for your kind words! That was a wonderful summary of my journal, and of the progress I've made during my time journaling. 

I agree that all those aspects show a type of growth, all in notable ways. I didn't think of the 'skipped' and 'I forgot' changing to 'nope' or 'no', it shows that I'm holding myself more accountable, so thanks for bringing that up.

Haha yeah I try to not be grateful for the same things now, it helps a lot to be grateful for ever more things.

Yep I'd agree my self-confidence has grown, however that might be working against me at the moment as I'm stagnating in terms of development due to a lack of drive. That'll fix itself after I start university however.

I had to look up Casanova to see what it is all about, and I ended up reading half the wikipedia page! It seems he's certainly had an interesting life, but it's certainly not the type of life I'd want to pursue. Thank you for you affirmations, I'm sure I'll find the right person eventually.

Wow what a good photo to suit! I shall indeed be AlexTheOwl :)

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To me the main thing here is prioritized is stop gaming.  If I do nothing else all day long I can not game.  As long as I do not game, my day has been a success.  I must remember that.

One thing I've realized is that if I don't game (and I don't spend hours on YouTube or watching porn or whatever else) I end up giving myself more time to do the things that matter to me. I get bored enough to clean. Then when the house is clean, I feel accomplished and I can sit and watch a movie. Then when the movie is over, I'm bored again, so I go read or write or draw. Whatever I'm feeling at that moment that isn't any of my vices, I'll go do.

I'm away from home now, which helps because I'm away from my gaming devices. Sometimes that little extra boost of being away from the things that make you weak is a good way to get started, because you end up with a sense of accomplishment without even having put in any actual effort. You were just on vacation, giving your time and attention to other people, and not doing things that you know are bad for you. Hell, you might not even miss those things.

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Maybe you would be interested in reading The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo

 

Tidying is a low-medium difficulty action that you can do in your home, and going through a full apartment cleansing can be very positive!

Edited by Shine Magical
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Day 18

8:24 AM

I really don't care much for Christmas.  I like the eggnog, singing, food, getting together, pretty lights and general generosity of spirit.  What I don't like is the commercialism.  The fighting among families.  The obligations of where you have to be during the holidays.  The suicide rate and isolation of people who don't have the picture perfect life that Christmas seems to represent.

I think people are wrong to encourage the idea of Santa.  You're setting your children up for a fall for the rest of their lives.  What kind of rotten deal is it that "Christmas is for the children."  No, Christmas is for everyone.  Creating an illusion that will give your child depressions during the holiday season for the rest of their lives seems to be just for children.

Every thing in the Holidays now seems to be oriented toward spending more so the Big Box stores will have a good season.  Maybe instead of calling it Christmas we should say Season to paint ourselves blue and dance around the Big Box stores in worship.

For the rest of their lives our children will know they have been lied to.  By every single adult they know.  By every child older than them.  They have been told the lie that Santa Clause exists.   This is not a small lie.  This is a conspiracy.

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I have had a good Christmas this year.  I was invited over to the Bakery I go to all the time.  I knew almost everyone.  The owner is Mexican.  He had all his family, employees and friends there.  It was a nice way to celebrate. :)

Today in my RV park a neighbor is BBQing.  People will kind of wonder around between houses.  It is a pleasant way to spend the day.

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Today would have been a good day for me to game.  The whole week-end would have been a good time.  The RPG games usually have things for the holidays.  I have missed all their celebrations.  If I had been gaming I would have missed everything in real life.  So there you go.

585fdc53de0b8_Butterflyplantetc.thumb.gi

 

Edited by dandielionous
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I second the book recommended by @Shine Magical.

I'm not really a fan of Christmas either. I think for me, though, it's mostly because around this time of year I don't have a lot of money, so I can't reasonably buy things for people. Add to that the fact that my mom often coerced me into coming to spend Christmas with her when I lived just 300 miles away. I worked full time for a low wage so I was losing a few hundred bucks taking a week off and driving 600 miles. And she never quite realized just how much money I needed in order to get through the holiday after that. For reference both my parents (divorced and living a thousand miles apart from each other) make good money, but I'm fairly independent and I don't ask them for anything. So I was too proud to tell anyone that I needed help. I spent a week living off buttered noodles with $12 in my account at one point there.

Long tangents aside...

I laughed out loud at the Big Box Store Worship imagery. It's too real.

And I forgot to disable emails from my PC gaming sites, so I got flooded with deals today. Every single item in my wishlist is on sale. I almost bought some of them just so I'd have them when I started playing again. Then I came to my senses.

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2:04 PM

 I am keeping a journal on Game Quitters. I'm not sure how well I like that. At first I was able to write in my journal honestly. As time progresses more people comment on my journal. Before where I felt it useful to feel the connectedness with the community, now I feel as though I could use the privacy of typing my journal in Libre Office before I post on GQ.

 

Part of this may be due to my greater clarity. Granted I only have 18 days Game Free. I do feel as though some of my natural sense of protecting myself by not saying too much is coming back.

 

A lot of the anger has passed away as long as I don't dwell on thoughts of my old game. When I shut off the computer I still finding my mind going to live in Ryzom. It's been a practice for a very long time. First with Medievia and then with Ryzom.

 

After my dogs died last year ( a year last August) I totally lost myself in the world of Ryzom. I couldn't bear the thoughts of my dogs being gone.

 

Now that I am coming back to the real world; I am faced with the grief of their loss. I am faced with many things. I believe it is the same as if we were sobering up after drinking. We only postpone the grieving.

 

It is Christmas. I forgive myself for being lazy today. I am watching movies and old westerns on Youtube. I'm wandering back and forth to my neighbors. The convenience store near here is giving free coffee all day. I fully expect to take advantage of that :)

 

I am waiting for the BBQ to be done. :)

 

ManRunningWithGuitar.thumb.gif.b46c5042b

Christmas in South Texas on the Gulf Coast :D

 

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Today would have been a good day for me to game.  The whole week-end would have been a good time.  The RPG games usually have things for the holidays.  I have missed all their celebrations.  If I had been gaming I would have missed everything in real life.  So there you go.

That's a good thought. I can apply it a lot in my life as well. I've skipped out of many real life events just to game and ended up regretting it. It's better to celebrate in real life then in games.

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At some point of my detox, maybe day 60 I started a private journal where I'd write without filtering stuff out. With that I could spare you from all the bs and negativeness that sometimes we have to write it out to get rid off.

And yea New Year >>> Christmas imho! :D

Edited by Reno F
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SnowFallingBlackTrees.thumb.gif.1fe130eb

Day 19

9:00 AM

 

I watched an episode of wagon train. Maybe this is something I need to stop doing first thing in the morning.

All in all life is fairly pleasant. I don't have to do anything I don't really want to do. I have enough income that I won't starve. I'll have a place to eat.

I am thinking of moving to section eight housing for the elderly. That way I would have a better place to live. Hopefully.

I reached a point in my gaming that I cared absolutely nothing about what happened to me in the real world. I read an article where a child that gamed a lot had committed suicide so he could join his friends in his game. He wanted to live there.

I kind of felt like that. If there was a way that I could have gone into the game and lived I would have done it. Not that I wanted to commit suicide per say. So I can understand how a child's mind becomes very confused.

I am lucky that I had a background before there were video games. I have always had an addictive personality. If I was inside the house I was totally involved in inside things and didn't want to go outside. When my mom forced me to go outside I would become totally involved with outside things and not want to come inside.

It seems I can become addicted to anything, working a weed-eater, mowing lawns, cooking, housecleaning, studying, math, computers, etc. When this starts getting out of control is when I get a little help, like with alcohol, drugs, games.

I think there is a certain percentage of the population that is just like me. Under normal circumstances our powers of concentration and focus can be a good thing.

I think we are the 1% that is paying for the games. That is making selling games profitable for the owners.

I think we are also the 1% the game developers have a potential of manipulating the worst.

To knowingly do harm to others for the sake of profit is against our constitutional rights as American citizens. We are guaranteed the pursuit of happiness as long as it doesn't interfer with someone else's pursuit of happiness. Such as murder would be considering inteferring with someone else's pursuit of happiness, the will to live.

 

 

I awake at 7:30 AM this morning. I am trying to go to sleep at a reasonable time, not reward myself for waking in the middle of the night by cruising GQ forums etc.

I plan to work on my journal. Wake slowly like I like to do with my coffee.

Post and check Game Quitters. Then start my day.

I am going to try just putting on some music from my computer and see how that goes. If nothing else I will just walk outside and sit down.

Standing up is progress.

 

My morning routine must consist of combing my hair, brushing my teeth, getting dressed then take it from there.

 

 

I hope everyone has a good day. :)

 

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I've thought about the unfiltered journaling as well, it may give more of a self reflection than this. But, I do like the community and support that this forum brings. If I had to choose one or the other, I think I'd lean more towards the forum for the support.

But if you feel like writing a bit more, a personal journal might allow for unfiltered thought :)

Great job so far and keep it up!

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Day 20

 I miss playing Ryzom. Ryzom comes to me in my thoughts to day. I wish I could just pop in and kill them one more time. Just quickly change my clothes and go to the mara camp then kill someone. But it wouldn't turn out like that. I would have to make my way to the portal to change my clothes, change my clothes, say hello to someone. Gees I can feel the pit of my stomach clinch at the thought of it. It wouldn't take much and I would be right back into it. Losing all my dignity and self respect in the process.

Not only would I be ruining my streak at Game Quitters but also I would be admitting to every person in the game that they could crap on me any way they wanted and I would come back for more. Also, it would seem a pathetic bid for attention.

Yes, I am getting just enough distance from Ryzom I can think of it without total hate in my heart. Just enough distance it starts to look attractive again. That is a dangerous time. Rather like going back to an old boyfriend after breaking up for a few weeks. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

 

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Day 21

9:48

 

 It's a long journey back to the real world. At first I can't visualize the real world. It's as though it's a place I have never seen.

When I stop using Game Quitters forum for a bit images of Ryzom come dancing in my head. The references I have had that were automatic to me, are all gone. Does the grass need cutting? The plants need watering? Are there bugs I need to attend to? I have no idea.

Long ago I stopped caring about the real world. Now I must come back.

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Hey, hey, hey, remember the challenge?

4th January.

You want to give up right now?

Don't screw this, because I believe in you.

You wrote in my journal probably same amount of answers as amount of my entries.

That means something.

That's the commitment.

So if you'll give up right now, you'll have to be ashamed in my eyes. :/

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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