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dandielionous- My Journal


dandielionous
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I am glad I found this website.  Okay maybe this is another addiction but maybe it's a healthier one. :)

Thank you Cam for starting this website.

I am not alone.

I have a journal on my computer.  I am also working on a story The Gamer.  So I am working out some of my thoughts in that venue.

I've been going through the different forums here.  I started crying.  I feel like such a failure. :( I wanted to kill everyone in the game! lol

Oh well.. I'm sure there is something more constructive I can do with my life than generating hate from a large group of people I will never meet :)

Today is better.  I found this site. :)

5 days so far!

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You know, one of my main "moments of clarity" was when I was heavily disrespected in a game that went on for 20+ hours. That was when I understood that many people in multiplayer games will disrespect me, gain my trust to impose on me and generally be hostile towards me, because they can hide in a reality, where they do not have to face real consequences. That is different in real life. So, that hate you now feel could be turned into positive energy. That's what I tried to do. I used the anger inside and said to myself "No! I wont let people treat me that way and especially I wont treat me that way". So I used this energy to "repair" my life. In your example, I read that your house and your yard might need some attention. ;) This is just a reflection of how you feel and how you treat yourself. So, this could be a great option to begin with: Cleaning up the mess in- and outside. Outside like, tidying up or cleaning the house. The inside part if a passive part and will follow the outer cleanse. Like, you will feel better inside when you create an environment in which you would actually want to live. And vice versa.

Its a great step you took by stopping to go back into this fictional world where people do not treat you with respect. :)

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I don't know how many times a day I am supposed to post to this.  I will do as I do in my personal journal, write in it when I feel like it. :)

I played Medievia off and on for ten years.  I played Ultima Online before that. Well of Souls before that.

The last year and a half I have played Ryzom.  Currently I have two subbed accounts that I have unsubscribed from. (ha  ha ha this dictionary don't recognize the word unsubscribe) I have maybe twenty alts on Ryzom.  6 on subbed accounts.  The others are free to play.

I grind out my heroes and/or masters as quickly as I can.  I almost killed myself on Ryzom. lol The game has far too much grind.

I feel as though if I had money I would sue this game.  It is made purposefully to be as addictive as possible.   Yet because of the grind it can take two years just to where you can take care of yourself.  

The game as ripped me off from money.  Treated me with utter disrespect. (I"m talking Customer Service Reps), suspended my accounts over and over, banned me from the game.  A third of the time I payed I was not able to play.  Allowed other players to publicly call me names.  Most of this I feel was totally unjustified. I never have this kind of problem with people in real life.

That's nothing to what the community did to me.  For a year and a half I tried every way possible way to fit in.

The last six months were on a new character because I felt surely I wasn't such a horrible person.  I honestly felt it was more the faction I had chose.

I was proven right to a certain extent.  By not using the forums, no pvp, digging and crafting all the time, and in general not playing like I wanted to the community thought I was acceptable then.

What I have gone over and over in my mind is, "What the hell did I do?"

I think some of these older MMORPGs are cruel.  The owner, the players, apparently everyone but me knows that!

It seems as though people who have played since they were 7, boys, men have an understanding of these games that I don't.

I wonder how much of the hostility I experienced was because of my age.

I seem to be the only old lady on this site too lol

Over and over I said I was quitting.  Back I would go and pay to be mistreated.

I envision my life ten years from now if Ryzom was still around.  What would I have done with anything else in my life?

I think even if I would eventually become the most utterly awesome player the world has ever seen... what would I gain?  I feel like I've had a meal of eating cardboard.

Each time I got really close to being one of the top players the community would do everything they could to drive me out.

I have to let it go.

I have had my email, paypal, amazon, and more accounts hacked.  My computer attacked.  *sigh

Surely there is a better way to live life.

Yet at the same time there is nothing I would like better than to try one more time.

I find myself crying today at odd times for no reason.

But I am more rested.  I am starting to get a sleep pattern back.

I took out the trash.  Took some things I didn't want over to my neighbors.

Time takes time.

I am eating.

 

 

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We had some older pople, but wiht Computers and especially Computergames beeing a relatively new technology most People playing computergames excessively are <50 . Cam has surely some Facts about this. But it doesn't matter. We are all humans and on some basic level it doesn't matter if we are 15,30 or 60 years old. You start with the right things. The Basics (sleep, nutritition and beeing active) are so important. I wish you the best. After the toxic atmoshpere of online gaming it will surely be refreshing to be around the kindness in this Forum. I personally "wasted" a lot of time here but this kept me also fokussed on who I want to be so it was worth it in my case ;) good luck. writing here regulary helped me a ton.

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I have great plans for today!  Today I will take a shower! looolololololololol

Gees I hate to think how long since I have washed my hair. :( 

Yep really was not living in this world...

Rats in my house.  I have rats in my house.  Today I will start sitting traps.

I may not have won the game but I gave it a good shot! lol

AGE

I started back to school when I was thirty.  That was 1980.  I studied Computer Engineering.  I have a different skill set than most people, any age.

Granted my skill set is somewhat out dated now.  Some of the things.  I have kept up and studied quite a bit also.  I use Linux as my Operating System.  I started a Linux users group that used to meet here in town.  (Got to take that notice out of the newspaper)

I wonder if the average 7 year old has any more understanding of the dynamics involved in these games than I do. :( Probably better.

It's a different world than what I was raised in.  Maybe that gives me a better chance of recovery.  I have frame of references that someone who has played all their lives has.

I know people who couldn't wait to retire so they could drink as much as they wanted to.  Same thing.

The interesting thing is I started telling my friends some months back I was having trouble.  I was trying to quit then.  But they told me playing a game didn't seem that bad.  So back I went to the game.

I'd say my generation has a insufficient understanding of what these games can do to you.

For me gaming isn't just addicting because of the game but also because of the computers.  I have sufficient understanding of computers I can make it do a lot of things in the game.

The social interaction is the big lure for me.  My family is gone.  I am a loner.

Funny I was a loner in the game too.

My family moved 42 times by the time I was fifteen years old.  All in the state of Iowa.  All small towns.  I have always been the outsider.

Maybe this is something God/Destiny means for me.  A life lesson to help me grow.

My mother used to say I never meant a stranger.  I am a friendly person.

My mother took me around to the chicken coop one time and had me stand and watch the chickens.  She said, "Name, people are just like chickens.  They have a pecking order.  If you throw a new chicken in with the others they will peck on it until it has established it's place in the pecking order.

Maybe we just moved too often to ever establish that pecking order.  I just kept getting pecked on.  I guarantee you though they didn't do it to my face more than once.

Which is one of the main things that frustrates me gaming.  I didn't have the fancy enough computer, fast enough internet, large enough guild behind me to totally destroy them the way I wanted to.  I sure gave it a shot though :)

One thing I know about real life.  People wouldn't dare do to me what they did in that game.  I would knock the holy living shit right out of them.

So this is a benefit of quitting gaming.

Edited by dandielionous
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It took me a lot of time to recognize that gaming was a problem in my life too.

The thing is, most of today's games are designed to keep you hooked. They are nothing like the old NES, Atari and DOS games. Fortunately, the awareness on gaming addiction is increasing as the problem is getting bigger.

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@Reno F 

I was doing research on the internet, I stumbled across something about a site for game designers to learn how to make a game more addictive.

I relate this to tobacco companies adding things to their cigarettes to make them more addictive.  Laws have been made to stop some of this practice.  Also Coke used to have cocaine in it which is no longer legal.  

I'm just talking from my personal experience and analytical thinking from my computer background but I think there is something ....  it's hard to explain.

Something about a game having no end game.  Of constantly grinding making it seem as though there is an obtainable goal when in reality there is none.  There is something wrong there.  A way we are getting hooked like subliminal messaging.  The colored lights?  The pretty scenery.  Of making goals just out of reach.  Disturbing sleep patterns with something that has to be done in the middle of the night.  I don't know.  I just know something isn't right.  It's messing with our brains somehow.

Aside from that I probably would have gotten addicted anyway.  I don't know.  I never got addicted to jump rope, checkers or solitaire.  

 

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I was doing research on the internet, I stumbled across something about a site for game designers to learn how to make a game more addictive.

You might find Hooked by Nir Eyal an interesting read.

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7 days (1 week)

@Cam I can not afford the book.  I looked it up.  Bookmarked the page :) There are Youtube videos by this author also with the same title.  I will watch those and see if there is a library I can download the ebook from.  It looks like an interesting read...

@Reno F That link wouldn't load for me :( I will try again after my journal. :) 

Getting garbage out of my house has made most the rats go away.

I took a shower and washed my hair yesterday.  It's incredible to me how long I went without doing that.  Me, a person who used to wake up every morning and take a shower.

I am walking around my house.  While I was playing the game I almost felt as though I was doing something wrong by taking a bio.  There are many times I just wanted to take a break from the game.  But no we must be good little robots and grind, grind, grind.

I am probably very fortunate that the community turned on me and the main thing the game offered was grind because otherwise I'd probably still be sitting there.

The swelling has gone down in my ankles, feet, toes.  I sat in front of my computer not moving with my legs crossed.  

I remember one day I went  out to talk to  my landlord.  I almost passed out.  I told her I needed to go get some food.  She freaked out.  She thought I didn't have money for food.  She took $60. out of her person and gave it to me.  Told me she hated to see me that way.  This is on a day when she came to talk to me about the rent and cleaning up my yard!  Now how bad did I look?

I was addicted to Medievia before.  I lost my job, college and home behind it.

Ultima Online lost my home behind it.

Each time when I go back it is just for a few hours.  Maybe just today...

I seem to see a pattern here.

 

 

 

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You bet, especially when it involves gambling and microtransactions in game. Children can gamble with real money for collectible virtual monsters or soccer athletes for their team. And guess what? The house always wins.

I had the 'privilege' of working for a customer support center of some big game franchise for a while. Among some inquiries about tech issues, there were real addicts complaining that they had spent hundreds and didn't get a single good item. The reply was the same: "The results are random, therefore there is a chance that you can't get what you want'. What is worse, the in game screen said they should have 10% of getting a rare item, ie, at every 10 tries, you get one. All bs.

Oh, and by the way, congratulations on your first week, lady!

Edited by Reno F
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Day 8

I am running out of propane.  I have no money.  My check doesn't come in until the 28th this month.  I need to go to the local charity to see if they can help today.  I don't know if they can because while I've been sitting here gaming, I had to go to them several times for help.

I just haven't paid the attention to details of the real world the way I should.

Today I need to fill out the papers to start applying for things I need.  There are programs that will help me fix my house, reduce the cost of my electricity, section eight housing for the elderly and Medicaid/Medicare, SSI, Spousal support from SS.  I haven't done any of these things. 

So goal for today.  Fill out the paper work on some of these and go to see if I can get help with Propane.  

I ride a bicycle and the charity is about 4 miles away.  I have made the ride before many times.  It is good for me to exercise.

The hardest part is the COPD that I haven't helped by sitting here puffing on little cigars as hard as I could. I can make it if I take my time.

You think I would be old enough to know better than to put myself in this position.

I know this....   There is no way I can game.

 

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I am so tired. :(

I walked my bike and rode but had to walk a lot.  I am so out of shape from sitting in front of this computer so long.  I am shocked at the damage I have done to myself.  If I had played that game another year I'd probably be dead.

It took me all day and now I am exhausted.   I had to walk four miles one way and four miles back.  Then get my tank and walk to the Wal-Mart with my bike to carry the propane tank and walk back.

I left about 10 this morning and made it back all done about 5:30.

-I am grateful to the volunteer who handed me twenty dollars to get propane because I had been to Good Samaritans once too often.

-I am grateful my house is getting warm.

-I am grateful I have food.

As I got tireder I got angrier.  All the hate from gaming started coming back.  I was flipping the bird at cars that cut me off on the last part of the trek home.  Roarrrrrr.  

Then I remembered....   In early recovery it's better not to get too tired. :(

Oh well.  I didn't get my paper work done but I've had a good day.

 

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Dude, your posts are entertaining :D 

Just reading about you flipping the bird at cars makes me laugh. Keep up the good work!

Edited by Tatu92
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I know it may be really hard for you, but remember that many of us quit gaming once we saw how we abandoned real life and how gaming destructively effected us. If we could do it, surely you will do it, too. You will live a better life. Just don't give up!

Greetings, Piotr.

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Day 9

4:57 AM

I awake at 3:15 AM.  My old gaming time.  I enjoy waking in the early hours and playing.  The world is quiet outside.  It seems as though there is less guilt about gaming at that time of the morning.  

Yesterday as I was ending my epic journey, I started thinking of how I could have beat more people pvping if I just had a little faster computer.  This is one thing I was seriously thinking of doing when I was gaming is upgrading my computer.

Now I make $344 a month on retirement.  But I earmarked $24 to pay for two subs each month.  Somehow I was going to find money to upgrade RAM...  I guess that would be doing without electricity or something.  :(  Maybe sell food stamps and go hungry all month so I could upgrade my computer.

I AM A WARRIOR!  How dare these people beat me just cause their puter is faster :(

I keep being reminded of the saying they have in AA.  The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  I don't know if that's the definition of insanity.  I do see myself doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I just see what dangerous territory I was getting in yesterday.  I was once again thinking of just one more time.... I sneak in the marauder camp.  I could put myself in pvp gear all the time and just log into the mara camp and then kill someone (or try) and then log off.  This would be under my hour limit that some people say, "I will only play an hour."  Be kind of cool they would never see me coming. lol

Then the hate I started planning the most hateful things I could do to them.  Then analyzing again "Why, why, why!!!???"

I don't want to feel that way.  The punishment those people deserve they are getting because they are still in the game.

Can I seriously think of anything crueler to do to them than just letting them stay there?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hollow Point Wicked funny Action move :)

 

 

Edited by dandielionous
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11:24 AM

Emotions

When trying to quit an addiction our emotions are like a pendulum. They swing violently from High to Low because they don't know how to act anymore.  As time goes by the swings become smaller and smaller until we have once again gained our balance.

*sigh 

Edited by dandielionous
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Day 10

11:10 AM

I went to bed early last night.  I woke up at 1:20 AM.  I read the @Robert Arctor Journal.  Went back to sleep at approximately 5:32 AM.  Neighbor came and woke me up for breakfast and a move. :) 

I am trying to get a regular sleep schedule back.  Yesterday was pretty non-productive except for not gaming.  I was worn out from my big adventure the day before.

I have started working on my book some.  Only a few paragraphs but I think I've found a different approach to it.

I shut off the grammer/spell checker and that made the flow of my thoughts easier.  (should have done that years ago)

My book has a working title of The Gamer.  I do part of it in the real world and part of it in the fantasy world Ryzom.  I suppose eventually I will have to change to name to protect the innocent. (me)  

Part of what has stifled/stumbled me in the story is writing about Ryzom.  I don't want to write about every key stroke in a battle.  I don't want to make the story exactly chronological.  I don't want it to feel like a game.  I want it to feel as though you are in another world.

So maybe what I am really writing is a fantasy alternate reality kind of story?.... 

Also I don't particularly want to trigger myself into going back into gaming.

I started getting a flow I kind of liked.

Well, I don't think I'm giving away too much by posting the beginning paragraphs of the Ryzom part to show you what I am talking about.

I watched the animals for hours trying to learn their habits. I noticed they seemed to have territories. At least some of the animals had territories. Others seemed to have migration paths. At first when I was watching the animals it seemed as though there were no way for me to get through them to the places I wanted to go. After a while I noticed there were ways around them. If I just took my time and was observant.

My emotions swung wildly. I still was in a state of constant alert. Coming from the Old Lands to the relative safety of the New Lands had been a difficult journey. Watching some Bodocs start their migration to the south I felt tears come to my eyes for no reason.

I don't know what had happened. Suddenly, we had been attacked from deep within the center of the planet by some huge creatures I later found out were called Kitins. Creatures with four to eight legs, an exoskeleton and vicious claws that stabbed and ripped out the insides of their victims.

I was sitting on top of a waterfall above a small island that seemed inhabited by many creatures. It was a good place to observe their habits.

This new land we had come to was more water than land. Birds of every description, palms waving, ferns taller than my head, a large lizard type of creature they called Najabs, Bodocs a type of cattle, and more. Some of the plants would attack me. I had to be careful. I am not used to plants that attack me. Apparently, they were part of an experiment from a former civilization that had tried to breed plants that would attack the kitins. The experiments had apparently backfired because the plants would attack everyone.

I couldn't get over the incredible beauty of the place. The water so clear I could see all the brightly colored plants beneath the surface. Little fish darting in and out among the reeds. The breeze smelled sweet.

I drifted off to sleep.


 

Edited by dandielionous
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11:24 AM

Emotions

When trying to quit an addiction our emotions are like a pendulum. They swing violently from High to Low because they don't know how to act anymore.  As time goes by the swings become smaller and smaller until we have once again gained our balance.

*sigh 

YEP. Just hang in there and work on skills like meditation to help you cultivate mindfulness, which will help you notice these emotions and be able to not get too caught up in them.

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The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he’s in prison.

Try to avoid "not thinking of it" but try to think of an other thing.

It will be a lot easier once you mastered totally this trick. Not easy to apply but definitely worth to test it.

Note: I love your story : Continue, it is really interesting, I really like the way you're thinking.

Edited by kingstravy
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