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Tatu92

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October 23, 2016.

Hi all, 

You can call me Tatu. I've been gaming since highschool. It started to get really out of hand with Dota 2. I've logged about 4000 hours into the game. Then, theres a handful of other games that I've played which adds up to my gaming hours.

I've been underachieving in my social/dating life. I use games as a distraction from it. Games have been a way for me to distract myself/numb myself from the uneasy feeling of underachieving/ feeling inferior/ inadequate. 

I've tried multiple times to quit games, and have been around the PUA community since highschool. And, I'm 24 now. I've got a job, but all other aspects of my life are lackluster to say the least. I've relapsed multiple times, and now it seems to just be me going through the motions, expecting not to succeed.

Overall, I'm not a terrible person. My personality is more weak than overbearing. But that just shows my need to evolve and grow. 

Let's hope this is the LAST TIME. Because at the same time, I am also quitting smoking weed. And I've been doing that since highschool, on and off, as well. 

Day one officially starts tomorrow: October 24, 2016. 

Tatu. 

Edited by Tatu92

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Day 1:

Thank you guys for the support! I'm glad to be part of the group here ^_^.

I finished up to the "power off" section of the modules.
- I deleted my steam account (holding the 4000 hours of dota, and +other games, including all the dollars I put into them ~probably a few hundred to a thousand dollars overall :( )
  * I followed the suggestion on the Reddit link to change my email and password to the self-terminating random e-mail generator (great idea btw).

My first day went very well. I finished a night shift, and slept until 4 pm. I met with a friend of mine, and had a nice Monday night out to play some pool, eat some good food, and have tea. 

It was a relaxing day. I did not feel tempted to play games today. I also went to the gym yesterday before work! 

See you all tomorrow,

Tatu.

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Welcome to the club! You're with the cool kids now ;) 

I'm glad you're here. I had trouble quitting a very long time, and I never managed to, but since I signed up and began writing here, everything has been so much easier. Journaling + the support of a community are of tremendous help.

These first days/weeks you should simply appreciate yourself for making the desicion. Begin looking for new activities to fill up your time with (try anything and everything - you never know what you'll like), but don't be too harsh on yourself if things are hard or boring. That's natural, and it will change over time.

Good job "powering off", and good luck with the following days!

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Thanks for the encouraging messages again everyone,

Day 2:

I didn't game today.

Today I was already thinking about how "fun" gaming was. And that, I've tried to quit before, and this time I am familiar with that alluring quality of games. 
The moment I give in a little, it usually snowballs out of control.

I had a free day today, and I didn't have any plans. It is the typical scenario where I previously relapsed. It's these do-nothing days that I hate the most. 
During the quiet times, it reminds me of how sad I am and how my life is not where I want it to be. 

Here's what I did in the spare time I had: 
- review the notes from the first few modules. To rehash and understand the lessons more. 
- I looked up various activities I could try out.
- I read the book "models" by Mark manson.
- I wanted to try, so I did an hour long hot yoga session.
- Met  with a friend for some dinner and socializing time.
- found a substitute for coffee (i.e. Yerba Mate) which gives a kick, without the staining qualities of coffee.

Overall not a bad day. Here's my plan tomorrow: 
- finish the next module "power on" 
- Gym day.
- fill up my calendar with activities for the next two months (career things, socializing things, outdoor activities, events like concerts, and new things to try out)

I am SOOOO GRATEFUL for getting this opportunity to try again at life. I have to constantly remind myself that this time is different. Because there's always that little voice in the background that reminds me of where I failed previously. 

Peace, 

Tatu

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Day 3:

Alright, 

So last night after I posted I was a bit bored and wanted a little escape after a long day, so I watched anime. To be frank, Anime for me has been the secondary substitute to gaming.
I would start with one or two episodes, and as I search for an anime series with a good plot, I can watch for hours on end until I finish the season.

I bought a subscription to Crunchyroll.com and watched anime from 11pm -4 am in the morning. 

I recognize that this is what Cam talks about when he says "mindless browsing the internet" does not count as an activity. Since, I generally wasted a good quarter of the day just lying around not being productive. I guess I had a need to relax, and wind down, or maybe escape reality for a bit. Gaming did that for me. But so did watching anime/tv shows with a good plot that takes me away from where my mind is at. 

So, this was a mistake. If I am to be honest with myself. Because, it doesn't contribute at all to the future I REALLY want. It's just a temporary measure to meet that need at the moment, which has more cons than pros.

-------

In any case, today I DID go to the gym around 5 pm, after watching anime from 11 am - 5 pm. (I know, there's really no difference in wasting time gaming than wasting time watching anime). BUT I did finish reading the module for "filling the void". I created a hand written list. I might post it up tomorrow.

So here's what I did good:
- I went to the gym and had a good workout.
- I finished listening and doing the work for "filling the void" module.

What I could improve on:
- delete that subscription to crunchy roll tomorrow. (just one more night to enjoy anime, pls)
- replace watching anime with... : Taking a walk/chilling outside at night, go to night time events/venues, spend time with family, reading, or meditation. 
- fill my calendar tomorrow. 

Kind Regards,


Tatu. 

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Day 4:

Alright, so just a quick note here, I still haven't deleted the anime account. Maybe I'll keep it, let me think about it more...

I did not game today. I had some small thoughts about Dota 2  and other games, and twitch. But, I snipped those at the bud. Gotta keep em away, otherwise they grow out of control and lead to my relapses.

Here's what I did:
- Slept in. 
- Had an hour of hot yoga.
- Did some heavy reading. 
- I am also working on creating a budget sheet, and updating it as I go along. This helps me track my finances.
  This is the link I was using: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZbWLu5zzAo
- Then was posting around some forums on advice for going out to bars alone. *This is one of my goals, as I feel that I'm not very experienced in the night scene, and so in the spirit     of rounding myself out as a person, am aiming to go out at night more. I might have to do it alone though. 
- Went to an award ceremony for a family member. 

What I did good:
- Sticking to the hot yoga. 
- Not playing games. 

What I need to improve:
- I need to find a way to meet new people, and have some more fun to let loose.
- Still need to start filling up my calendar with activities.
- Read the next module for Respawn. 

Kind Regards,

T

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Day 5:

This is a little long. 

This is my 5th day off work. I'm gonna be off for another 3 days. I love my job. I work grueling hours, but I get these lengthened times off. Last night, I was insomniac-ing again, and slept at around 5 am. I couldn't help it. I was so tired from the yoga class that I slept at 9pm-12am. Then I couldn't sleep after that. Until 5 am. 

I woke up around 12 pm. I felt like, I was getting game cravings. I even dreamt about Dota 2. It's weird. I often think about gaming when I'm not really feeling too happy in the day, or feeling sad or something.  Or when I don't really have anything planned for the day. I have achieved a few things since I quit, but I'm impatient I suppose, and because of that I often crack down on myself with criticisms about how I haven't really achieved much. 

I did leave the house to break the negative thinking cycle, and went to a mall to buy a laptop bag. Then went to a Second Cup (coffee place with wifi) to work on the next module. So I was there from 5pm-7pm. During that time, I was also messaging some friends to see if I can set some chill time over the weekend/ next week. I was also setting up my google calendar, as per the module suggestions. I also have a physical agenda. And I was also working on the budget sheet that I've been maintaining (what get's tracked get's managed right?, or something like that).

Then when I went back home, I made sure not to slack by watching anime. I just ate, and got back to fixing up the last of the module activities and fixing around the house. 

feelings today:

Today was filled with some negative self-talk. Just as some days, but seeing as it's Friday and I didn't have anything extravagant planned, and I was watching some young couples around the hot spots of my city - made me kind of jealous.

I was thinking "man, I'm not cool, I'm not out with a cute girl like these guys, or having fun at a night like this with my buddies". Makes me feel left out, or "not normal". It's this kind of thinking that often leads me to think I'm inadequate in some way, with thoughts like "why don't I have these things?". It's funny how my mind catches things that I don't have easily, but it easily takes for granted what I do have going for me.


Like, if I see the things I don't have, I feel inferior somehow (especially when it comes to social/ dating life). But if I start counting the things I have, it's kind of hard to ignore that I'm just trying to overcome a baseline feeling of inadequacy. That feeling of inadequacy never used to be there. It used to be a sense of superiority, which I suppose I overcompensated for by adopting inferior thinking instead, because being superior or looking down on people was "bad", for me and I thought it was a regression in the spectrum. But, then again, adopting an inferiority complex is probably not any better.

Before I quit gaming, I would often catch people or girls ( I work with mostly women, since I'm a nurse) trying to take advantage of my kindness / nice nature. I believe in equality amongst people, and so I often take the initiative in ensuring that other people have their equal share - especially in groups. But some group members would mistaken my kindness for weakness. I suppose that would be my fault for not drawing a much clearer boundary. 

Anyway, this was long enough. 

Good things today:
- going to the coffee shop to work
- Setting up my google calendar, and filled it with the for sure things to do for the next week-month
- Finished the module for "control your time". (I really like that idea of changing the mindset of gaining control by scheduling vs. losing control by scheduling)
Did not game today.
- controlled my anime watching time, and refocused on work.

Need to improve:
- need to try more new things and schedule them. So far I've only scheduled the immediate next two days, and the for sure commitments for the month (i.e. work), so I need to set   up some FUN things to do for the week some of which I may need to do alone when my friends have work.
- Sleep earlier and don't end up watching anime until 5 am. Wake up earlier. And start STRONGER. *tomorrow I scheduled a hot yoga class at 9 am, so that's gonna for sure wake   me up.

 

Peace, 

 


T
 

Edited by Tatu92

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Late Day 6 Post:
 

bitter-sweet day yesterday. yoga first thing in the morning. chilled with a really cool close friend. i didn't game all day, but I ended up smoking weed. i have myself to blame, but it was largely influenced by the guy I was with. we ended up being unsure of what to do, which I'll take responsibility for, and his usual go to is smoking weed. 

one thing i didn't like about yesterday, is i copped out on chilling for halloween night. he was talking about a bunch of parties, and the people we were chilling with were such cool people that my insecurities shined through. i was also a little anxious from the weed. but bottom line is, i ended up feeling insecure around the group and ended up taking an early leave. these guys were very well connected, and very comfortable around partying/meeting people/networking and I in essence I felt they were out of my league. pathetic right? i hated myself for a bit for having that knee-jerk reaction. frustrating that despite all this self-improvement i'm doing, i still feel like a loser on  some level/unworthy on some level. 

but i didn't game. i felt like running away from this problem, and just gaming when i did get home. but i didn't. because gaming used to be one of my solutions to these emotions. 

 

peace,

T

Edited by Tatu92

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Day 7:

Hey Cam, yup I'm liking it so far.

Just a slow day today. I was still feeling bummed out because of yesterday. Made me lose a bit of confidence in myself. And I was a bit tired from all the exercising the last week. 

Just spent some family time today, my sister and her husband came over the house and we had lunch. They went to church, and I went to go get some new clothes. I was feeling a bit crappy, and didn't know what else to do. I just went out, and ended up buying some clothes. 

I need to start focusing on my job now. Also, on controlling my spending. The last two months, I've really let go. I was making my way to becoming a better money pincher. But, then started slacking and being less disciplined in how I spend my money. Also have been picking up less shifts. 

Not sure what to do at the moment to feel better. Maybe I'll just accept the fact that I feel like shit today and see if I feel the same tomorrow. Somehow, everytime I feel like this, I always go for either: looking for some type of advice (whether that be purchasing coaching) or doing something I regret (spending money on clothes, when I did not necessarily want to). I hate how weak I can be. 

Depressing post. But, too look on the bright side:
- I have this support network here on gamequitters. 
- I have been whitening my teeth, and they're getting whiter.
- I have a handful of friends that care, and a family that cares for me still.
- I have tried a lot of new things the last 7 days (yoga, doing work at a starbucks, meetup.com, going to house parties, journaling, quitting gaming, feeling my emotions and not running away from them)
- I have a job in a career that I make good money.
- I have saved $5000 in 3 months.
- I have been the most focused/ committed I have been in the last year or two.
- I've made a budget sheet on excel, that I have been working on the last 3 months. Now I've got a good system with keeping it maintained.
- Despite my lack of control in spending lately, I've been overall a lot more aware and disciplined than I originally was. 
- I'm debt free. 
- I have gained awareness on my weaknesses (very emotional, very nice, have an inferiority complex, inexpereinced)
- I'm feeling very fit and healthy now. After going to the gym/ doing yoga everyday.
- I haven't had a cup of coffee for 7 days, except for maybe one occasion. To protect my teeth, and also part of making myself less "wired" and "fidgetty" and "anxious". 
- I haven't smoked weed for 7 days, except for one occasion. I have learned my mistake from that one time. It will never happen again. I value my mind. I value my habits. And I have lived many years with this drug, and it's time for me to completely cut it out of my life. It has served its purpose. 

 

See you TMW,

J

Edited by Tatu92

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Day 8:

Thanks Cam. 

Alright. Today, had some free time. Woke up at 10am. Did my morning breakfast/shower. Went out to get my flu shot, and picked up a pair of pants I got hemmed. 

Then, I went to second cup to grab some tea and work on the following:
- filled up my week with activities (yoga, work, meeting friends, volleyball, potluck party)
- texting some friends to see what was up for the week. 
- listened to the module "control your body". 
- updated my budget sheet. 

I'm writing a bit early, I'll be busy tonight. But here's what I have planned tonight:
- yoga at 430 pm.
- grabbing activated charcoal after (to whiten teeth, instead of using these white strips).
- volleyball at 8pm with a bunch of strangers.
- working a night shift 1130pm-7am. 

Good afternoon and good night gamequiitters! 

 

J

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he was talking about a bunch of parties, and the people we were chilling with were such cool people that my insecurities shined through

That's totally okay Tatu. You don't have to go to parties until you feel comfortable to do so. I've been to like 2 parties my whole life, and they were both small gatherings of close groups of friends eating cake and celebrating someone's b-day. There is no need to go out of your comfort zone to yearn for that "cool" status. You can have friends without being a party animal, and be happy.

Well bottom line is, you didn't game! So good job :)

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Day 9:

Hey guys, thanks for the feedback! 

Yesterday was so physically active for me LOL. I managed to do hot yoga before the 2 hour volleyball session with strangers. I was kind of hesitating to show up to that, but I'm glad I did. It was something unknown for me, meeting strangers and doing it alone. 

But I'm glad I did. I met people of all ages. From 20's - 50's. It was definitely a great experience, and now I have something to do every Monday! It's definitely a special group I met there. There's like 40 of them, and it only made it better that some of them were very good looking people ;) lol.  And it only costs 5 bucks to play the 2 hours. 

The most important thing I learned there was to SHOW UP. I was anxious and thinking all kinds of "what if" scenarios. But, once I showed up, everything took care of itself. I just followed the lead of the leaders there. That's one thing I learned. I usually lead. But joining pre-existing groups, I noticed it's important to let the group lead. And observe first. Then, slowly stick your neck out with your personality, and if I did something that was weird or "not cool", I'd notice it, and know to adjust my behavior for next time. There's some group-theory for you. hehe. 

Then after all that, I did an 8 hour night shift. I was pretty beat up. But I noticed I was more relaxed and social at work. And I was enjoying everyone's company more so. Whereas before I was pretty bitter, and would often resent people's comments. The physical activity definitely relieved me of a lot of my pent up energy/stress.

You know what though? Despite these positive changes, and my positivity. And how people are noticeable enjoying my company more so. This girl I work with, whom I have a crush on. We were flirting and chatting each other the whole night, enjoying each others company. At one point in the conversation she remarked, "you have a life?", after I told her I don't have snapchat because my personal life is personal. I was pretty annoyed. LOL. That annoys me. Like, A LOT. I think she was flirting, but to me, there's some personal feelings attached to "having a life". So it reaaaaally bugged me. It's still bugging me. And, the whole night I was thinking things like: "why am I so different?" and stuff like that. Basically trying to prove to myself that I have worth. Now that I'm writing this out, it's actually halarious that I got so flustered. And I'm kind of laughing at myself. But, at the time I was pretty frustrated. For someone who doesn't have much to be egotistical about, I'm pretty egoistic. 

Other than that I just changed my car tires today to winter ones (was warm out today). Got my broken phone screen fixed. Bout activated charcoal and coconut oil. 

Here's what I'm grateful for:
- finding a moment of being emotionally satisfied with having pushed myself out of my comfort zone (trying the volleyball with strangers)
- being able to express my sexuality, in a healthy way. (i.e. flirting with people that make me feel all fuzzy inside) 
- Finding the volleyball group! So excited about them! Meeting new people is soooo satisfying for me. I was always shy, and kept to myself and my small group of friends.
- I learned about activated charcoal for teeth whitening (instead of the whitening strips, which are probably bad in the long term)
- I learned about coconut oil (for my skin and hair)
- I'm starting to repair my relationship with my parents, now that I'm not gaming 16 hours a day! 

Last thing, I've been trying to find a mid-term goal to work on to stretch my comfort zone. I think I want to travel to Portugal. I kinda want to do it alone. Just because I get to do the things I want to do. And not have to deal with my friends being picky. That's gonna be my goal. 

Peace,

T
 

 

 

 

Edited by Tatu92

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Day 10:

I want to firstly thank Cam for being thoughtful, kind, and transparent. I appreciate your compassionate leadership, your thoughts, and insights.

________________________________________________________________

Today I woke up dreaming about games. It was random, and somewhat unnerving. But I didn't relapse. 

So two main lessons I worked on today:
1. the value of contributing and participating in enhancing a gathering/event/situation:

I had a potluck today. I gave it my all in making it a better event. I took the time to get some good food together to share with the group. Also when I got there, a lot of the things were not prepared. Because my unit was so busy and most of the nurses were caught up in work. So, I went out to buy plates, forks, drinks and some more finger food. I also helped in setting up the tables and stuff like that. It was a positive experience, and the person who the potluck was for, you can tell she really was really grateful. That made it worth it I think - seeing genuine appreciation. 

I gathered some college friends out for shisha, and I offered them my help in getting a nursing job. I told them to give me their resume, and I am planning to give it to my manager as we might be looking for some more help soon. 

Also in an effort to build myself in my career and become more participative in my unit, I signed up for some workshops for the month (they are like 8 hours long). It's a great opportunity to meet people in my field, and also helps me grow in my ability to contribute to the unit. Before, I would just pass on these, but looking at it now - it's actually a great opportunity.

2. taking the leadership role in inviting the group out to do something:

So, I haven't really made friends at work in terms of people I go out with outside of work. They are usually just work acquaintances. And they probably see me as a nerdy guy with no life. 

Here's my first step towards this goal: when I noticed there was no forks, plates, and hardly any food at the potluck, I invited this girl Bella (diff. name to be anonymous) out to grab the additional things with me. It wasn't far, just across the street. But it took some courage to ask her out to come with me. We talked on the way there, and shared some jokes and got to know more about each other. Generally a positive experience. I noticed I'm also getting better at keeping a good positive energy around people.

________________________________________________________________

Let me say though, that I've learned to appreciate speaking to people as people. I took the time to ask people their names today when i was talking to them (the person who repaired my phone, the guy who sold me a phone case, the shisha server, etc). It made them more personable for me. And, the phone case guy gave me a free phone case! He was a nice old man. The bad side is I started to think "hey maybe I can get something free from the next guy if I ask his name". I'm being honest. This is your fault CAM!  LOL.

No, seriously though - there's a line of balance there where I appreciated the human to human connection, before the selfish thoughts came in. Human nature is fickle. Unfortunately. 

 

Long Post. See you again tomorrow !

 

T

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Day 11:
 

Thanks guys. 

 

Today was a very blah day. I was excited to take my sister to the hot yoga I go to. I covered half her expense so she could stay for a month. She loved it. Then, I treated her to some Tim Hortons :). 

After that, just did some errands. I fell asleep in the afternoon, I was pretty tired. And my buddy cancelled on me tonight. I could have gone out, but I was pretty pooped and felt somewhat sad for some reason.

So the next three days, I'll be doing 12 hour shifts. I'll do my best to journal every one of those days, but it can be grueling. Monday I have the volleyball meet. I invited my sister to come with me. I'll see if I can ask some of the younger crowd to come hang out after for bubble tea or something. If I fail to do so, I won't give up. I just don't want to put so much pressure on that one day. 

 

But anyways, short one today. Stay strong folks. Once I'm recovered from this upcoming weekend, I'll hit it harder,

 

T

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