My Journal

[Cam Adair]

Then, I'll stop there. And just work on owning the concepts. 

Integration!

[Tatu92]

Day 34 (I think I miscounted somewhere along the way, but I'm actually on day 34).

What I'm grateful for:

• my siblings for being very kind and caring
• my parents raising us and providing
• my car
• unlimited internet

___________________________________________________________

The last few days I've been feeling like a lot of the disciplines I've been doing have been more of a "drag" than serving me. So I took the time the last few days to stop and reflect. I was thinking a lot about what I really wanted to do and wrote it out. 

One thing I'm working on is improving/deepening my relationship with my parents. I've been irritable and pushing them away for a long time. I never thought of them as "friends" and would always feel like I never had time for them. When they ask "hows your day" I say "fine" with the subcommunication of telling them to leave me alone. Granted I've had times when I was vulnerable with them and close, but those were moments. And those moments were far and few in between, it is much more common to see me doing my own thing at home. 

I'll try speaking to my dad tonight, and see how it goes. I'll report tomorrow.

 

T

[Tatu92]

As soon as they got home, I sat them down to talk about how I felt. Long story short, we talked about my drug abuse (no longer doing it), religion (i'm an atheist and my parents very religious), my behavior of shutting them out, and how I want to re-establish our relationship and learn more about them. 

Overall a very personal moment, but I had to redirect to conversation from religion towards getting to know them as people. It kept going back to religion. 

Now I'm going to church tomorrow with them. I never went to church for like 2 years. But this time I'm going not because I'm religious, and they know that. I said "I don't buy into this one bit" but I'm going because I want to re-establish our relationship and deepen our communication and this is one way I can meet that goal. 

________________

The main reason why I started this was largely because of learning about how my pushing away my father has lead to me cutting off the main masculine figure in my life. I resented him for his religion and this has brewed a hate in my heart for him. This in turn caused me to become atheist, like the majority of my generation. But I also learned that I'm not totally free until I can accept my father despite religion. Until I can enjoy my relationship with him, and work my way towards respecting him - I would be left with a thorn in my side.

My goal is to overcome my hate towards their "negative" aspects. I have often hated him for being religious. On a deeper level I subconsciously looked down on them for being "fob-ish" or "non-westernized". So I'm trying to overcome that, and I started by having a frank conversation about my behavior and beliefs. 

The ideal I'm striving for is an open-communication wherein I don't have to pretend or put on a mask and say "fine" when they ask me how my day is. I don't want to shut them away with one word answers, but I want to learn to open up to them. Most of all, I am working towards finding a genuine respect for my parents. I think that's the main motivator - finding a genuine respect. 

Edited November 27, 2016 by Tatu92

[WorkInProgress]

I think this is great what your doing. Hard and awesome!

[Cam Adair]

Love the effort you're putting in with your family. It will be very rewarding over the long-term. 

[Tatu92]

Day 35:

Thanks for the encouragement WorkInProgress and Cam! 

What I did today:

• Went to church with parents and sibling
• Ate at a Vietnamese restaurant with them
• Came home slept and when I woke up, I sat down with my dad for 20 mins just to talk about politics
• Watched some anime to relax
• Watched a documentary on consumerism, materialism, and minimalist living.
• Studied 15 mins of nursing
• Gym for 1 hour. Ex. the back and abs.
• Reading now, and winding down. Gonna meditate for 15 min before I sleep. 

What I am grateful for:

• The time to recollect my thoughts, to think about my motives, and what my goals were. 
• Taking the first steps towards a better relationship with my parents - My father especially.
• Now I'm doing my daily disciplines, but also juggling some plans for the future in the back of my mind. Whereas before I felt like I was being tugged
  in all directions by all of these commitments. But now, I'm keeping the big picture in mind - although still forming it.
• Being aware of my tendency to compare myself to others. I was at the gym, and I was comparing myself to someone I knew there. I think we all do it to some level, and I know it's not a good thing. So I'm grateful I am aware of doing it. 

__________________________________________________________________________

Overall, I was really irritated at first when I went to church. I was thinking "I hate this, why do I have to conform to his beliefs when I clearly don't buy into this religion thing?" or "why the hell am I forced to adjust to HIM and him not accepting me or meeting me halfway?". 

But I thought about it some more. If I am going to respect my dad, I'd have to take a second look at his reasons for practicing his religion so fondly - since it's a huge part of who he is. During our conversation yesterday, I told him how religion was for me, being raised by him. It was constricting. It created shame within me for having sexual thoughts, thoughts about doing "bad-guy" stuff like violence, etc... So after sharing my side. I asked him why it's so important to him. And he shared that it's what's given him strength in all of the troubling times he's had. He's had to face a lot - and I am where I am because I get to stand on his shoulders. 

So during that time at church. I felt englufed by feelings of bitterness, anger, frustration, resentment at feeling controlled and feeling like I had to sacrifice who I was and what I believed in. But I kept reminding myself to try to look at his lens. Because I remember moments when he was very caring, so he's not only controlling. I remember when I was sick, which was many times - he was the one to take care of me and cook me meals, not my mom. But he's quiet and keeps to himself. He's sentimental. Stern. And Stoic. So I kept reminding myself "he does this because it gave him strength". 

I kept asking why does he always bring the conversation, and ME towards religion. Why does it always go there? It's obviously because this is the one most important thing to him. It's a very big sentiment for him to share this with me, and I was blind sided because to me it felt like he was trying to change me and not accept me. But he was actually trying to share something very special with me. He believed in it. 

So I learned something that day. I might not go to church again. But this time, when I took a second look at why he loves religion so much - I saw humility. I finally appreciated the importance it has to him. And that's all I wanted. It's something I can respect. Now I feel like if someone were to make fun of my dad being religious, I can actually stand up for him and tell them to fuck off. 

T

[Tatu92]

Day 36:

Alrighttttttt. Monday ! 

What I Did:

• Went to a CPR class
• Went to volleyball
• Studied nursing for 15 mins.
• Worked my budget sheet. 
• Laundry
• Will do 15 min meditation again before I sleep. I did it yesterday.

What I'm grateful for:

• making it to volleyball today, barely making it.
• I'm so fit
• Having completed 2 books so far. I've never really finished books before.
• Having a reserve of money just in case I spend beyond my limit

______________________________________________________

Alriiight. This Monday wasn't too bad. I overslept a  little. And watched a little too much anime in the morning. I'm kind of busy maintaining the status quo, when I should be pushing the envelop. Which unfortunately it kind of sucks that I have to work so hard to get where I want to be. 

But one thing is clear, I am better than I was 36 days ago. Now I got my dad on my side. I got you guys. I got ME :). I got my friends back. I got all these books. I got the treasure trove of the internet. I'm about to join Beyond. I'm fitter than I was 36 days go. I'm active. I got hot yoga, the gym, and volleyball. I'm ready for more change!

 

Let's Fight!!!! 

 

[Cam Adair]

But one thing is clear, I am better than I was 36 days ago.

This is everything.

[Tatu92]

Day 37:

Alright, today was a decent day. 

What I did:

• studied nursing for 15 mins.
• purchased some Christmas and birthday presents for my family.
• 1 hour of hot yoga.
• set up a kijji ad for my gaming laptop. Just in case I get tempted in the future, I don't want to have this laptop around anymore. On the plus side, I don't really need the power of this laptop for the daily things I do today.

What I'm grateful for:

• Not gaming today, despite feeling a bit tempted.
• Finally deciding to sell my gaming laptop.
• I appreciate me recognizing my goals, and noticing when something is not in alignment.
• Putting my laundry away immediately instead of letting it sit there.

______________________________________________________

I'm gonna miss this laptop. But, hopefully, I can sell it away quick! It's literally the last bridge I have to gaming. If I sell this, then I'll buy a shitty ass laptop that won't run the games that I want to play. That's gonna be another obstacle in the way of gaming! I noticed that during this time span, I've been a little bit tempted to play. Although I now know from previous relapses that the moment I have these little tiny thoughts about gaming, it's best to cut them at the bud. Once I entertain them in the slightest, they start to grow and then I start to feel emotions regarding gaming, and then from these emotions I act. 

One thing that I actually appreciated today was one of my yoga instructors doing the class with us, and doing it next to me. It allowed me to witness his attitude when doing yoga. It's a different energy. Most likely from practicing for a very long time. But there is a sense of dignity, calmness, control, and sense that each pose is given the most importance in that moment. Whereas the average yogi including me would be catching our breathes, wriggling around and being half-concentrated. 

I learnt a lot from watching him practice. His energy was something that inspired me to practice better. It's always nice to have leaders set a great example. Leaders that lead by doing and showing us something worth striving for. 

 

T

[Cam Adair]

A lot of positive changes you're making brother. Proud of you. Keep going.

[Mad Pharmacist]

Hello!

Congrats on finishing Slight Edge!

Remember that journey of thousand miles begins with a single step. So what's your next book you're gonna read?

Btw. I'll give you my opinion on yoga and meditation: it is dangerous. I hope you keep it in mind while doing this.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

Hey man, thanks for the opinion. Care to elaborate on why you think yoga and meditation is dangerous?

I've made a post on that probably in Mario Journal (@WorkInProgress), where I gave at least 10 sources of my knowledge. You can find it here, but if you don't then I'll find it and give you a link/copy that when I'll have more time

Dude, ur crazy. as your name says. i cant tell if you are serious or not. I just finished a 12 hour night shift expecting a decent explanation. LOL, and I get this crap. What a joke.

Well, probably you're right. I'm probably the biggest excentric you've ever met.

I could paste you the links to the articles, but I didn't. My fault, no justifications.

Even though, remember that we're on the same boat. We're GameQuitters.

Relax. He had some bad experiences with meditation  and believes strongly that it is a fixed part of a new-age-religion which is bad for you. To summarize the sources: A few of them were imho christian fanatics afraid of  new age stuff. Also there were some interesting and more scientific scourses about how Meditation can be dangerous  if you have existing psychic problems. Also yoga can hurt your body and posture if overstretch. Just type in danger and yoga into google and you'll find stuff about it. In my opinion that doesn't apply to the majority of people and I personally neither found meditation/yoga especially sprititual nor endangering for my physical or psychical health. No reason to call his opinion a joke though. I guess you had a hard night ship. This can make the calmest man moody

You two are doing great. btw.

‌@Tatu92 it is awesome that you started finishing books. I found the slight edge pretty AMERICAN at some times but by now I firmly beleive in the philosophy behind it. If you don't move upwards you move downwards. Just the way the world works imho. I think I read it 2-3times just to remind of  this fact.

Thanks for that explanation. I didn't have enough time to copy/paste this articles, but you did that for me in brief explanation.

[Tatu92]

hey man. thanks for that post. I appreciate your honesty. thank you.
you are right, we are bros. just a little miscommunication.

 

*we are on the same boat

Edited December 1, 2016 by Tatu92

[Tatu92]

Day 38:

What I did:

• 15 min nursing study.
• 1 hour hot yoga
• bought and packed presents for my sister's birthday on Dec 1.
• found a NEW volleyball group that is more higher skill level! and Played for 3.5 hours. I finally get to play with the big boys.
• visited my bestfriend lives close to the volleyball area. had dinner that his girlfriend cooked. along with his buddies. it's the same group I was intimidated with before,, and felt insecure around. but now i'm totally cool with them. I guess it's cuz I've been meeting a whole bunch of new people lately and investing in myself.

What I'm grateful for:

• I initially started the day feeling shitty. But one thing lead to another and all it took was taking some action!
• Taking my day from zero to the best day in the week so far!
• Finding a competetive volleyball group. 1 hour drive for me, but this group is a lot more intense. And I'm the newbie now, instead of being the good one. Lots to learn from these guys.
• Finally getting to enjoy spending time with my bestfriend's "cool social circle". Before I was in my own way, and my insecurities wouldn't let me relax and enjoy being around the cool people. I just got way too much in my head. But I kept going to visit them, and tonight I was finally able to be normal and enjoy their company. 

________________________________________________

When I was over at my bestfriend's house I did learn from Cam to be a good guest. So I cleaned my dishes, and put away my stuff after using it. His girlfriend commented that I was such a "Filipino boy". 

I always get called "good boy" or some deviation. For one thing I recognizze that being "good" is fine. But I hate being called boy. Unfortunately I don't know if there is much I can do about that other than move out of my parent's house.

It's most likely from my small stature (being Filipino), sort of skewes people's concept of me.

 

T

Edited December 1, 2016 by Tatu92

[Mad Pharmacist]

Well, I think, that it's not a cliche to say "Filipino man" or "Good man", so she used that instead.

And remember that being a good guest is always good.

[Simon E]

Comments like that can really irk the shit out of you, but only if you let them. I'm rather short aswell (it's better now, but a few years ago it was pretty bad), so I know the struggles. 

Maybe your able to shake em off like it's nothing (if so, I'm envious of you). If not, you should. Let's be short, polite and proud of it  

[Cam Adair]

When I was over at my bestfriend's house I did learn from Cam to be a good guest. So I cleaned my dishes, and put away my stuff after using it.

Great job man.

[Tatu92]

thanks y'all. yeah to be honest being called "good boy" or just "boy" in general irritates me. it feels somewhat condescending. 
but i'm working on building resilience to it guys, thanks for the sharing of your experiences.

thanks Cam - my culture actually fosters being considerate of others. but there's mixed messages in the North American culture in doing the work for others, and being seen as submissive, until what you said cleared it up a bit better for me. and also, learning to accept my cultural values through appreciating my parents more, kind of cleared up my confusion as well. essentially a struggle in differentiating being a doormat and being kind.

 

[Tatu92]

Day 39: 

What I did:

• breakfast at my sister's house with parents for her birthday
• 1 hour hot yoga
• 15 mins studying nursing
• work-related errands

What I'm grateful for:

• My yoga practice is a lot more focused and calm, thanks to my favorite yogi teacher's example
• Having a special breakfast over at my sister's new house. 
• I took the time to specially wrap and write a nice letter for my sister's birthday. I don't usually do that.

______________________________________________________

Just a short one today. A simple day. I had a lot of questioning, and doubting myself today. But overall, still working from the basis of some strong foundations: daily studying, taking care of my body through yoga/volleyball/gym time, and journaling.

T

[Tatu92]

Day 40:

What I did:

• got a haircut
• relaxed today.
• went to a family party

What I'm grateful for:

• that I was able to set up some meet up dates with some of the people at the party.
• getting a decent haircut for cheap
• good food at the party

________________________

not a bad day. had some relaxation time from the other day's volleyball session, it took a toll on my hands lol. 
I set up a meetup date with some people at the party that I haven't talked to in a long ass time. there wasn't that much new people there, and the new ones I talked to but I already seen their faces before. 
Gonna be a busy ass weekend. So some of my daily disciplines will have to wait until Monday.

T

[Tatu92]

Day 41:

What I did:

• work
• slept
• party at my sister's house

What I'm thankful for:

• having a nice group to spend the time with, had a good time at my sister's party and met a bunch of new people
• deciding to go to the party after being so pooped from work
• my humble co-worker who is very skilled, and reliable as a teammate.

_____________________________________________

Today was a very tiring day. I had about 3 hours of sleep yesterday. So I had to force myself to go to the party, but it was worth it. Very nice group, and vibe.

 

T

[Cam Adair]

Good job pushing yourself bro.

[Tatu92]

Thanks man! I appreciate it

**** 
@Cam Adair

Hey cam, sometimes when I put myself out there and act friendly to new people. I noticed most people are friendly back. But I also noticed some people act very aloof. It makes me feel like they take advantage of my nice outgoing action, and that since I make myself vulnerable they are able to "ignore" me, and I end up feeling like shit.

*** I don't mind if it's a quick hello and they ignore me. But like we are friendly at first, then once we get into a more closed/intimate group, it hurts more when they ignore you. But the other people talk to me. And that one person ignoring me, just kills me. LOL 

It's the same with girls sometimes. I don't mind letting them know I like them, but then it feels like I give them the upper hand. Like this one girl at work, she ended up teasing me about my height behind my back, saying "every inch counts". I thought we were cool, and I put it out there that I liked her, and didn't really expect her to like me back but it just sucks getting kicked when you're vulnerable...  

I got angry actually. Feeling like I want to get the upper hand somehow. But I know that's not cool. I'm a little bit better now, now that I released that energy rock-climbing. But man..being vulnerable hurts sometimes. 

 

feels good to win. but then you get reminded that sometimes you lose

 

 

Edited December 5, 2016 by Tatu92

[Tatu92]

Day 42:

what I did:

• went to work
• listened to 1/5th of the beyond podcast
• 15 min nursing study
• went to rock climbing (actually, it was boulder-ing) which is without the ropes. set up a weekly/biweekly rock climbing group.

What I am grateful for:

• going rock climbing despite my surgery hand worrying me.
• I love being outgoing and being the one to initiate introducing myself.
• I'm grateful for meeting a new social circle

____________________________

A nice day  

 

T

 

Edited December 5, 2016 by Tatu92

[WorkInProgress]

hey if People behave the way it is normal to get hurt. And it sucks. The mature way is not to get back at them, but to communicate clearly that it costs them your respect if they behave that way. Oftent iems People don't even realize they are acting without respect. But even if they do this on purpose, it is good to stay calm and just adjust accordingly in your behaviour out there. Basically for every asshole in the world, there are many more nice people who are more worth your time and energy.

[Tatu92]

thanks Mario. i was very outcome dependent, but the funny thing is I thought I wasn't. But looking back, the fact that I was so emotionally caught up in their reactions just proves that I was. 
I felt the same thing about not lashing back, because I had to let my emotions settle before having a clear view. Now I'm cool with it. No harm no foul. Won't stop me from being me.