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Tatu92

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I'm glad to see you have such a positive relationship with your sister; as an only child, something like that causes me to feel both relief and jealousy. 

Stay strong through the weekend!

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Day 12:

Hi guys, thank you Simon. Yeah, it's more them putting up with me. I've been breaking my relationship with my siblings/parents for a while now because of smoking pot and gaming for like 16 hours a day. I used to push them away, and I used to get irritated by them easily because all I cared about was getting high and playing games.

But, I've managed to regain their trust again, and I'm working hard on keeping my emotions in check around them - making sure not to be rude and also taking care of them when they are down. 

Also thanks for the encouragement. 

Today was rough lol. Typical day at work. I feel like a used napkin. But, it at the end of the day, I always can't believe I manage to get ALL THAT STUFF DONE! Literally crap loads to do as a nurse, and never enough time. I'm gonna be very busy next week with work, and I decided to sign up for workshops along the way, so I can upgrade my skills and hopefully find a new place to work (this one is a little too ridiculous with the workload). 

I actually liked typing up a little summary, getting my mind and emotions out on e-paper. Some relief. But this coming week, I'm gonna have to REALLY buckle down on adressing some issues with my career path. I have to take the time to do some dirty laundry in this department of my life. 

 

Take care guys, see you tomorrow.

T

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Day 13:

Not much to say folks. Today was a hard day of work. 14 hour shift (counting the hours I stayed behind to catch up).

I would rather keep this journal positive. So on the positive note... 
- I have grown thicker skin.
- I have learned to be prudent with my judgement of people
- I have grown very patient, compassionate, and understanding of those in need - especially at times when I am stretched to my limits of physical exhaustion and emotional burnout.
- I have learned to act calmly and slow down my thoughts during critically urgent times.
- I bleed steel. 
- I still have a lot of room to grow.

 

Thank you folks, I will be back tomorrow.

 

T

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That's admirable of you to focus on the positive. I really should be doing more of that aswell, heh. I'll try to follow your example in the future - cause honestly, it's not too enjoyable being depressed and sulking.

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Day 14:

Thanks for the support guys.

I made it through the weekend. I'm gonna work on applying to different places this week, as I mentioned earlier. 

I got volleyball tomorrow. Bringing my sister.

Something cool - Zeo Kravitz was chilling at my buddy's house the other day. Turns out one of the housemates was a cousin. I couldn't meet her because of work, but still a nice thought.

I'm supposed to go to one of the workshops tomorrow, but the lady who was supposed to sign me up still hasn't gotten back to me. And I don't want to travel 1 hour and end up finding out I didn't make the cut. 

Here's a rough sketch of my goals this week:
1. Finish the Re-spawn modules. 
2. Apply to different units for a position.
3. Fill my schedule for the next few weeks with activities. Definitely try something new.
4. Keep up with gym, yoga, volleyball.
5. Keep up with being social and small-talking with people I come across.
6. Practice inviting new people out to hang out. 

 

Peace folks!

T
 

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Day 15:

Hi guys,

So another day strong without games. I've been a little in my head lately, and not really feeling too social. Mostly because I've been thinking about the things I want to fix in my life. Today I didn't really have a set plan of things to do. Although I did have a rough idea. I'm not in the same head space as I was last week. Not feeling too confident in myself either. I don't know why. Maybe just fluctuating moods. 

First thing in the morning, I just wanted to get out of the house, so I drove around thinking of things to do. First, I went to a starbucks and had my coffee. I was thinking about what to do today, and I just had a busy mind I needed to unwind somehow. 

I ended up going to the mall to buy a new yoga mat and some yoga gear. Then, went to yoga in the afternoon. I wasn't really feeling too social today, so I mostly kept to myself. That was fine with me. 

I then, went home, and spent some time with my dad and little brother. 

Then, went to volleyball after picking up my sister. She had fun.. At the volleyball meet, I got to talk to this girl I liked. She actually approached me. We chatted and got to know each other. But then, I realized her boyfriend was there. Then, I started feeling awkward. I changed groups. Later on, she came to my group again. But I was so in my head, and felt like I wanted to have a good relationship with her, but things were getting awkward. I know this feeling too well. It comes when I start liking a girl or actually, just thinking she is hot. That's probably me putting her on the pedestal. It's weird. I thought I was over this awkwardness. But I guess, the direction things have been going, I guess I just started being more in my head. I made friends with  her boyfriend though. I wanted to ask them to come out, but I didn't. At the end I just wanted to avoid the awkwardness I felt around her. That left a bad taste I think.

I thought I wasn't socially awkward anymore, but I guess I can still be. I really want to get to the root of why I start feeling like that sometimes. When I initiate interactions, I get to dictate the tone of things, and I'm usually pretty confident then. But I guess when things become unclear, I start doubting myself. Like when this hot girl sits next to me, but her boyfriend is around the corner, I don't know how I should act. I don't want him to think I'm hitting on her. But, at the same time, I would LOVE to chat you up. HAHA. 

Really, I am slowly trying to learn about myself while I'm on this detox. So I'll be honest here, and share something. Over the weekend at work, I took this stuff called "noopept". It's a nootropic. I previously made the conscious decision to stop using it before BUT I broke that this weekend. It's basically something to make you very focused, energized, and helps you think very fast - almost to the point where you can anticipate other people's actions ahead of time. It has very obvious side effects, one of them being irritability. So, I felt like I really needed it at work this weekend, because it was so crazy. Unfortunately, it brings out the worst, as well as the best in me. It also helps in coordination, mental fluidity, finding words, etc.... Which is why I can type this much so easily. 

But, in any case... I was not able to ask them out this week. I did feel some pressure. Unfortunately. I was thinking, "this is it man, don't mess it up". I'd rather not have that looming over me, so I'm going to give myself a break. And give myself the chance to let it come out of me organically. I would like to be able to ask people out to do other things, but I don't want this to be a sole focus in my development. Because it feels like I can't be myself with the pressure of "i have to get this out". I've been thinking a lot on how to properly approach this development. I am obviously eager in finding new people. And I have to integrate this advice better into my world view. Because the way I was previously doing it was putting too much emphasis on other people's response. 

AAAH, I can type for days lol. Anyway, I'm going to call it a night. Tomorrow is another day. I hope you all have  a good night. 

 

T

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Hey Tatu. i actually don't know that substance but i seems like it isn't a coincident that you are starting to feel socially akward again after you restarted using it. Could be totally wrong thouhg, because I definitely have a prejudice about substance use. But I am sure tha it isn't a good diea to use something to get there if you can Train yourself to become theperson you want to be. Feels like a shortcut which will hinder you in the long run.

Hope you figuring your things out though and wish you best of luck.

Also congratulationson the two weeks!

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Hi Tatu, great to hear you're doing well without games!

It's ok to feel antisocial from time to time, but if it persists it might be worth making an effort to connect with people.

Your perceived awkwardness reminded me of an article I read recently, and it might do you good. I think you'll mostly stop worrying about these things as soon as you "don't give a fuck" about what others might think, and about the potential 'what ifs' that could go wrong. Because worries like that just don't persist into the future even if something doesn't go right, as not many people care about your mess-ups. I hope this helps, and here's the article (please excuse my profanity and on behalf of the article): https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck

I'm not sure if doing drugs is the best option for you, as the idea with doing all this self-improvement is so that you can enjoy life without any 'escapes' such as gaming, but it also applies to drugs too. In any case, best of luck with how you approach these issues!

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Hey thanks for the response guys. Yeah, I actually intended to quit that drug. I really wanted to go clean, and I will. Just that old habits die hard, and when I am severely swamped I usually go for this one. But, let's say that this past weekend is going to be the last time. 

Thanks for reading guys, and thanks for your support. I believe we are all on the same wavelength and opinion on this one. 

Thanks alex for the article. I am currently half-way in reading it. I actually bought this book a while back, but never finished it.

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I liked his book but it is only a sum of his articles in a coherent form and with some exta informations. so if you searching dor some specific Topic I would suggest to read through his awesome articles online. I like them very much.

 

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Hey thanks for the response guys. Yeah, I actually intended to quit that drug. I really wanted to go clean, and I will. Just that old habits die hard, and when I am severely swamped I usually go for this one. But, let's say that this past weekend is going to be the last time. 

Thanks for reading guys, and thanks for your support. I believe we are all on the same wavelength and opinion on this one. 

Thanks alex for the article. I am currently half-way in reading it. I actually bought this book a while back, but never finished it.

noopept probably isnt the worst thing to put into yourself but .. . we all know its a quick fix for deeper issues. 

I read the last couple of posts and I think you're expecting too much of yourself. Nowadays Id count my self as fairly sociable but it took months - years to work up to that.

 

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Hey thanks for the response guys. Yeah, I actually intended to quit that drug. I really wanted to go clean, and I will. Just that old habits die hard, and when I am severely swamped I usually go for this one. But, let's say that this past weekend is going to be the last time. 

Thanks for reading guys, and thanks for your support. I believe we are all on the same wavelength and opinion on this one. 

Thanks alex for the article. I am currently half-way in reading it. I actually bought this book a while back, but never finished it.

 

noopept probably isnt the worst thing to put into yourself but .. . we all know its a quick fix for deeper issues. 

I read the last couple of posts and I think you're expecting too much of yourself. Nowadays Id count my self as fairly sociable but it took months - years to work up to that.

 

yeah, i agree. Noopept is definitely not the worst drug. It is definitely a quick fix though. It's a way for me to avoid feeling "helpless" or "weak" at work. A way for me to hide my flaws. Thanks for the encouragement! 

I'm definitely on that same road of working on the social area of my life. I'm learning more about myself and how I can open up to others more authentically, while also learning to undo many of the toxic beliefs I have about myself (such as not being worthy of other people's time).

I actually just picked up the book "Daring Greatly - Brene Brown". I like it so far. It speaks to a lot of what I am thinking about lately. 

I noticed I was starting to dis-engage from this personal work I am doing. This book gave me the nudge to re-engage, and try harder. Thanks for the support guys! 

 

T

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I actually just picked up the book "Daring Greatly - Brene Brown". I like it so far. It speaks to a lot of what I am thinking about lately. 

Great book, you will get a lot of value out of it.

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Day 16:

Today I went out to fix my glasses. I bought the daring greatly book. Then, went to get my hair cut. Afterwards, I visited my friend at this computer shop. After that, my other friends ( a couple) treated me to dinner and desserts. Lastly, my other friend bought me a ticket to watch Dr. Strange. 

Overall, a very nice day. I felt nice being treated by friends. I'm thankful for the friends I have. I try my best to be a good friend. But could definitely do better (i.e. remembering their birthdays, and doing something nice for them). 

________________________________________

Lately, I've been going out of the house a lot. So I am definitely keeping busy. But, I also feel like I am not really focusing my efforts very well. Maybe I have an unsatisfied need for purposeful work. 

Anyway, I'll keep it short tonight. 

________________________________________

One thing that keeps bugging me... when I told the couple I was going out to watch a movie they said, "are you going alone??!". That really irritated me. So what if I am going alone? What if I wanted to go alone? They are so closed minded. It's irritating to me. Who gives a crap if I wanted to go alone? Would they think less of me? To me, that really makes me think less of them. URH.

 

Good night friends,

 

T

Edited by Tatu92

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That's their own shit. You don't have to take it on. It says nothing about you, it's just their own insecurities being projected. Notice it and make a decision for yourself about how you want to live. :)

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Imho opinion you shouldn't judge people on how they react. It is out of the norm to go to movies alone. Of course they are irritated about that idea. It is unusual. This doesn't mean they think less of you and honestly shouldn't bother you if you had a good self worth. Maybe this a point were you could work on. I feel strongly about taking responsibility for your own feelings instead of projecting it on others. Every time you are irritated this is a chance to realize what's going on in yourself and what you can do about it.

Notice that all of this isn't meant patronizing. Do what you think right. It is just the case that I struggled and still struggle with blaming others for my feelings and every time I was able to take responsibility for them and work on myself instead,  good things happened to me.

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Day 17 Late entry:

Hey guys, sorry I just came back from a 12 hour night shift. So I'm writing this on 10/11/16 but it's really for 09/11/16. 

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I totally get that, I really SHOULD be taking responsibility for my emotions/reactions. There really is no point in getting mad at them for acting the way they did. It's not like they were saying it to hurt my feelings, they were probably just concerned about me anyway. 

I appreciate the feedback, it makes sense. I didn't think of it from a "taking responsibility" point-of-view. 

So yesterday was a bit blurry, so looking back at my calendar here... I went to the gym in the morning (haven't gone in a while, because I've been doing the volleyball and yoga). Then, I read daring greatly. After that, I slept and got ready for working the night shift. Got back, and now I'm journaling. 

Okay, so at work, I was playing around with throwing tentative plans with co-workers. Saying things like, "hey we should go for drinks" and "we should go to that talk show together". They all seem pretty receptive. I think I just need to be more of a solid planner. I haven't really invited people out like that before, so to really be vulnerable about it, I need to make solid plans. Because otherwise, this was a baby step towards what I really wanted to do, which is to develop outside friendships with these people I am meeting. To essentially develop new friendships. I think I can do this. 

I'll keep it short today because I need to sleep, but I'll be checking out other people's journals and writing again in a few hours. 

 

Take care,

 

 

T

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Day 18:

Hi everyone, today was overall relatively productive. I made some progress in my aim to do social things alone (for the sake of gaining independence and proving to myself that I can do what other people can do), reading "daring greatly", and practicing conversation with random people. 

To clarify, one of my goals is to expand my social life and gain the skills that I've missed out on while gaming 2 years or so of my life away. 

Here's what I did today:
- woke up from my night shift at around 1300 hr.
- went to the book store to buy "The Slight Edge" (I saw it from Cam's recommended books, and also Kiki's journal).
- read "Daring Greatly" (I'm half way done now)
- met with my friend at the mall (here we were practicing small talk with random people, and we had some manager ask us to work for her! I guess she liked how we dressed) 
- I went out to a bar/club alone and made friends with the staff there (it was not busy).
- I went to a strip club alone (it was fun) I wanted to go alone because I was scared, and also because I wanted to get used to being around hot girls. I usually put hot girls on a pedestal, and project this "goddess" onto the girls that I have the slightest attraction to. Some nice-guy type behavior I guess. And often, I just can't be myself around them. 

Although I don't think going to strip clubs is the epitome of social-related achievements, it was on my checklist of things to do alone. It's a new environment, and I just wanted to expose myself to it. 

What am I grateful for?
- going out alone today and socializing with staff, random people, and strippers.
- reading 127/250 pages of "daring greatly". I sat at a cafe for 2 hours to get that done.
- I made small talk with some random girl that I liked today.
- my friends are awesome.
- Brene Brown is awesome.
- I bought The Slight Edge, which a few pages in seems to be another great book.
- I took the time at the end of the day to give myself some care (washed up really nice, took care of my teeth, and did my journaling).
 

I think I will keep this template that has the point form incorporated in it. It's easier to skim through, and I can just summarize my thoughts, for reading convenience. So that later on, when I reflect back on them, I won't have to read endless paragraphs.

 

Good night team,

 

T


 

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Day 19:

Late post. But I'm still awake, and I'll finish the day strong. 

Here's what I did today:
- woke up and went to hot yoga with my sister around 1200 hr.
- slept until 1600 hr.
- read daring greatly for 2 hours. Currently 192/250 pages. 
- went to eat out with a few friends. 
- shisha with the same group (I paid for everyone. because I'm returning the favor)
- midnight dinner with another group.
 

What am I grateful for:
- reading this daring greatly book. it has taught me that I can't avoid being shamed. but I can definitely build resilience to it. I noticed that lately my sense of self-worth has improved tremendously. 
- for being able to share my experience in growing out of gaming with this community.
- having grown in my understanding of self-worth and self-respect and am still working my way through owning it
- the job that I have which allows me the financial lee-way to explore all the things I have been doing in the past few weeks.
- the guidance of this community, and Cam especially in my transition in quitting gaming.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Overall, I had a good time socializing today. I made good progress in my hot yoga practice. I did a great job in reading this far into the daring greatly book (one of my previous struggles was the completion of reading books.) I did a great job in contributing positively to the groups that I spent time with today. I also think that I did a great job handling this one moment when my friend's girlfriend shamed me covertly for being "inadequate". I understand that she was playing out this sort of dominance struggle, but I'm the type of guy that will play back, but just won't hit you where it hurts. And she hit me where it hurt. What I learned from it was that I can't expect to spend my day avoiding these moments where I am hurt. I should expect to get them, because being hurt is a part of life. Previously, whenever people would target something personal to me, I would cut them off. Not speak to them - ever. But then, I learned that sometimes people don't really pay particular attention to their words. Some things slip out, and although they may have some sort of subconscious assumption  about me being "lesser" in some way, the trigger response is usually to assume that their assumption must be true. But, in hindsight, that assumption is only determined by who's reality is stronger. And I'm just about there in realizing that my self-worth is beyond what you think of me. The tendency would be to focus entirely on that one response, and that person's belief regarding me, but as I looked around the people in the table, I could tell they all saw me as a human being - as their equal. They returned my respect with mutual acknowledgement and ended the night with an invitation to hang out again. 

So, yes I still feel the sting when someone comments on my deep insecurities - such as my height, my small stature. Yes it hurts. But I'm working through the emotions that I feel, and no longer am I collapsing to the weight it used to bear on me. I can now examine that, and not just drown in the shame that surges right after.

 

Good Learning,

 

T

 

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I also think that I did a great job handling this one moment when my friend's girlfriend shamed me covertly for being "inadequate"

 Nice one mate. I'm still getting there at this but your idea of self worth is very interesting and I will definitely take it on board.

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