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[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)


Marquess
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I seem to have this irrational predisposition that most, if not all, people want to harm me (or at least use me for their purposes without any regard for my well-being), which couldn't be farther from the truth, but it's something that's been holding me back in a great number of situations over the years.

In my personal experience, keeping this assumption as a constant in your life is an exaggeration (as you're also realizing), but in the times that it will actually apply, even if much, much fewer than (we) tend to believe, what's the point in being paralyzed with worry and fear? The best you can do is keep your boundaries flexible, but strong in your red flags. Be open to know people and connect with them, but don't allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone whom you have realistic, specific reasons to distrust. It's both a science and art, we're all trying to learn the perfect balance in some way or another. You know I'm not a big fan of white coats too, and yes some things in the therapeutic protocols may seem childish or pointless. As a broad process trying to cater to a broad spectrum of people, the implicit idea is for you to take whatever you find useful for yourself, filter your own tools for recovery and growth. It can be a real pain, but all things considered I believe you're in the right place. Stay safe and take it easy, you're doing awesome man.

HOLY SH1T I CANT BELIEV U QUOTED MY POST BUT DIDNT LIKE IT

WHAT DOES IT MEAN????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

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For some unknown reason, I'm unable to log in to wordpress dot com from this computer, so I'll write random shit here instead.

I actually do have a couple of ideas that I should at least attempt to convert into blog posts, but since I'm still very much living in a hospital, the computer time available to me varies in length and can be interrupted at any time - not so much in a sense of being thrown off the computer, but the thing is in a sort of a living, common room-area-thing, and all other patients are free to come in, hang out, watch television, and all the other things people who dare to interfere with my writing do.

But it's fine since from this week onward, I'll be spending weekends at home, at my own beloved apartment, so I'll be fine in that regard. I will say though that I'm a little worried about WoW still as, fuck me, there's an actual good private WotlK server coming out soon-ish. I even fucking helped advertise it, using all my copywriting powers (such as they are) with some success, and the owners are actual, decent people who hang out on Discord every day & talk to their future players, which is still a rarity on the private scene, tbh. I truly don't want to start playing again though.

There's just so many other things I want to do. Stuff that's at least as appealing as PVPing as a moonkin is, so I've definitely made some progress in that sense. Also, in comparison to my previous, longest attempt at quitting WoW that lasted circa 3-4 months (extensively documented in this thread), I'm now no longer isolated and am actually a part of a structured program that revolves around psychotherapy.

I don't want to write about my future plans; it's not something that works for me. I know it's an integral part of Gamequitters, and it does seem to work for many of the members, but for me personally, it doesn't do anything. Even worse, I think it's even holding me back, and either way, it isn't important, and it's not happening.

 

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I seem to have this irrational predisposition that most, if not all, people want to harm me (or at least use me for their purposes without any regard for my well-being), which couldn't be farther from the truth, but it's something that's been holding me back in a great number of situations over the years.

You know I'm not a big fan of white coats too, and yes some things in the therapeutic protocols may seem childish or pointless. As a broad process trying to cater to a broad spectrum of people, the implicit idea is for you to take whatever you find useful for yourself, filter your own tools for recovery and growth.

That's true. Last week was a very volatile time for me, so there may have been some unnecessary dramatizing involved, but we did manage to get it under control. My psychologist, the one who got me transferred here, really is doing everything in her power to make this work for me.

It's just another of those situations when I'm left wondering how is it possible for me to be this fortunate.

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I want to write more, but it's just another one of those days when I'm exhausted by the late afternoon.

One relevant issue no one talks about is being made to live in a psychiatric hospital, ripped out of your NEET existence, and then living in the said hospital with little to no privacy while being around multiple fertile women (both nurses and patients).

I spent my 31st birthday in a locked ward, being touched by an actual woman for the first time in multiple years if I exclude family members. It was a a perhaps 20 year old nurse with long blond hair and too much dark make up. Really cute, and it was obvious that she's just started her career since she was extremely friendly and really just tried a little too hard. FUCK

Next morning, still in the locked ward, I managed to access the shower (the only place that allowed for some actual privacy) and furiously jerked off to the image of her. She'd taken a blood sample from me the day before, so things were already INTIMATE, and they continued to be that way after I exited the shower and was told - by her - that she needs to measure my blood pressure.

It was around 150 since I'd just produced circa 50 liters of cum. She then asked me if I was doing some kind of heavy physical activity, and I said no. And of course, she'd seen me come out of the shower before. Adventures.

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I'm still not certain whether it's a good idea to even write about all of this.

The impulse, the initial impulse, that I always have when considering this is that I should just slam the door and leave all of this behind never to return. Never even mention it. Never talk to anyone who considers themselves a gamer again. Deny to have ever played and kind of video games. What are games? Yeah, I had a Game Boy when I was a kid. If you still play games after the age of 16, you need to kill yourself, right. Who has time for that shit, and what a pathetic fuck does actually struggle with gaming "addiction". Just delete. Delete.

This is, naturally, not a plausible approach. And there are many benefits to writing about it. First of all, what else are you even going to do when you've spent so many years on gaming. May as well to turn it into a sort of a benefit as a subject you can write about with some semblance of authority. There's a market for it, anyway.

And, and, I also think it may help me keep away from gaming if nothing else. I've probably said it before; the mechanism is still there, and the risk of it re-triggering will always remain present. So developing a new kind of relationship with my addiction my even be the only (or the best) way for me to remain gaming-free - sober.

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Above all, I'm becoming tired of writing about myself. I need to start referring a larger part of my attention towards other topics, or at least I'd like to; I'm unsure if that's even possible right now. Maybe it's not even a good idea even though I can't see how that could be the case.

There's so much to cover, but I'm almost at thousand words. A thousand words of conscience stream is equal to about maybe 250 words of an actual post that attempts to be good, attract and maintain interest of whatever audience it can get. It's still the best I can do right now.

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Hey. It looks like you are in an ok place. I was wondering was happened to you.

I am glad that the place you are seems helpful. I personally have friends who go through or gone through similar things, so I am glad that you accept all the benefits you can take out of your stay there. Also it is always a bonus to have cute nurses around.

I stopped using gamequitters but check in from time to time. Best of luck to you man.

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Hey. It looks like you are in an ok place. I was wondering was happened to you.

I am glad that the place you are seems helpful. I personally have friends who go through or gone through similar things, so I am glad that you accept all the benefits you can take out of your stay there. Also it is always a bonus to have cute nurses around.

I stopped using gamequitters but check in from time to time. Best of luck to you man.

Hai!

Oh yeah. And it's funny because the popular perception of what a mental hospital looks like is the exact opposite of how things actually work. At least the program I'm in now - we're actually encouraged to go out at much as possible & spend weekends at home. Me and my parents were nearly pestered by several different therapists to let me spend weekends in my apartment at least, and I finally got permission to do so yesterday - thank fuck. Looking forward for a semblance of normality again.

That said, it's normality that I'm finding overwhelming; today I spent about 5 hours just walking around the center of the town and sorting out various stuff like paying bills and shopping. It was exhausting and weird, and I'm still a little paranoid when it comes to spending so much time in public places full of people to be completely honest. But I'm very much getting there.

Gonna start checking other people's topics soon again. Glad to see at least some familiar names are still around.

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I'm tired, and there's no privacy here, and at least I got to spend the weekend at home - my own apartment. It was a varied experience, but positive overall. There is, in fact, privacy even in the unit, the hospital, I'm staying in right now, but it's very obviously limited, and the main issue is that anyone can barge in this room and starts doing whatever since it's a sort of a common room.

Then there's the issue with the new guy I'm forced to share a room with. He's fairly dull and unremarkable in every way except for the fact that he reeks of cigarettes. It's disgusting. I'm also almost certain that he isn't even aware of it; he looks too far gone: too old, to fat, too dim. Probably lives alone, probably been for years. I'd know because I've started that fucking path in the last three years though at least I can help myself by attempting to o objectively analize what the fuck is wrong with me. And I've been making a lot of progress. He can't.

It's just fucking tragic, but I've said this before: it's impossible to sympathize with the deranged when you have to live with them - when you have to tolerate their whims, which in case of this guy, seem to include chain smoking and not washing & changing his clothes. Fuck. But it's also fine; this is why I'm here after all; I'll handle it.

And awh, I'd love to write about a number of other topics as well. I'm too tired though.

Edited by Marquess
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  • 6 months later...

You know, I wasn't sure if I need to start posting here again, but I've decided to take my own advice and make sure I have the best support system I can get.

About a year ago, this community helped me to quit - or at least to complete the 90 days challenge - once, and I'm starting to suspect I'll need it to keep away from gaming in the following months. Because I've been having some issues when it comes to gaming or, to be exact, not gaming.

It wasn't what I'd call a full-blown relapse, but there definitely were a few days when I spent hours upon hours playing WoW, spamming BGs and arenas as a resto/balance druid, the class I've grown to love so dearly and still consider a part of who I am.

And I've been, stupidly (no other way of putting it after being into this for so long), thinking a lot about the concept of casual gaming, gaming in moderation. And in some way, that's what I've been doing lately, but only because I always end up uninstalling the game after I realize what it does to my mind. It overtakes it completely, leaving little to no room for anything else.

I have a lot of catching up to do with regards to updating you guys what's been going on: a lot of good stuff, I've resolved a lot of things. I'm pretty much fully resocialized at this point and continue to see my psychologist every week. Reconnected with my family, resolved the gender issues that were weighing down on me so heavily for the last two years. Thank fuck for that.

More on that later though since it's still an incredibly interesting topic.

Anyway, I'm thinking about starting a new topic because this really is a new chapter in my life, and a lot of the stuff that I wrote here since 2015 doesn't apply any longer.

Edited by Marquess
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Yo, glad to have you back @Marquess!! It's been ages man, feels so good seing  some old faces pop up  in the forum again  :D.  I'm  genuinely happy that things are  going pretty well for you :) About the  gaming part,  you've made the perfect choice by coming back here , we're here to patch you up  :D:D 

Edited by Remigjus
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Ahh the resto druid, so many fond memories. I was actually thinking about WoW last night, and how much it sucks you into that vortex of becoming so attached to a character. I know it cops a lot of flak or criticism from society about chaining people to their desks, which it does, but I was curious of how it does this far more effectively than any other RPG/MMO. I think it is because you get attached so much to one character or role and you feel like you are merging with it.

But then you log off, change characters, walk outside, and you know what? It's all for nothing.

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You know, I wasn't sure if I need to start posting here again, but I've decided to take my own advice and make sure I have the best support system I can get.

About a year ago, this community helped me to quit - or at least to complete the 90 days challenge - once, and I'm starting to suspect I'll need it to keep away from gaming in the following months. Because I've been having some issues when it comes to gaming or, to be exact, not gaming.

Hey there. Awesome to here that things go sort of your way for a change! I was wondering what happened to you.

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Yo, glad to have you back @Marquess!! It's been ages man, feels so good seing  some old faces pop up  in the forum again  :D.  I'm  genuinely happy that things are  going pretty well for you :) About the  gaming part,  you've made the perfect choice by coming back here , we're here to patch you up  :D:D 

Hey hey, I suppose it really has been a literal year or, well, probably a little less than a year. Glad to see you're still here since the drop out rates, so to speak, in this community have always been high.

I've been (forcibly) hospitalized in February and then lived in hospitals for about 4 months. After that, I would first start spending weekends at home (my own apartment) while still living in a hospital during the week, and after 3 months of that, I moved back home full time while still attending group therapy every day - for another three months.

Since then, I've been having sessions with my psychologist every week.

I've worked through a lot of internal issues and have fully re-socialized: reconnected with family, which now includes a 1 year old niece <3, trying to reconnect with whatever RL friends I have left, and also trying to meet new people. This isn't helped by the fact that I'm still unemployed, but overall, things, good.

I no longer hate myself, I no longer want to kill myself, I no longer think there's no place for me in the world.

My ability to interact and even socialize with normal people has about tripled, but I still resent them and probably always will. I still don't want a regular, office job, and I still aim to support myself by running an online business(es).

As far as gaming goes, I reinstalled almost immediately after returning from the hospital, but I never played in a same way as I have before - and most definitely not as much. I would go weeks without playing and then perhaps spend a weekend of spamming BGs and arenas for example. I did, in all this time, level a druid from 1 to 85 on a Cata server, but I also did casually over a span of several months, almost always leveling with rested XP.

So all in all, gaming (I don't care for games that aren't WoW) is no longer playing the same destructive role in my life, but it has been holding me back. And I want to eliminate it completely for the next few months.

Ahh the resto druid, so many fond memories. I was actually thinking about WoW last night, and how much it sucks you into that vortex of becoming so attached to a character. I know it cops a lot of flak or criticism from society about chaining people to their desks, which it does, but I was curious of how it does this far more effectively than any other RPG/MMO. I think it is because you get attached so much to one character or role and you feel like you are merging with it.

But then you log off, change characters, walk outside, and you know what? It's all for nothing.

It's funny how people will tear apart any new MMO that comes out slightly unpolished or has some legitimate flaws (Wildstar comes to mind) but will tolerate whatever Blizzard serves them & play the shit out of WoW while complaining about it.

Taking time off from the game - completing the 90 day challenge for example - and then playing again gives you a distinct insight in how miserable an average WoW player really is. An average gamer hates his life. If you're spending multiple hours a day engrossed in a fantasy world, you're not ok.

(Unless, I suppose, you made it your job and have an otherwise balanced life. But there's a world of difference between playing WoW as a player or playing it as a, say, (professional) Twitch entertainer. It's the difference between going to a party to get wasted & dance and being there as a DJ/organizer. Cam and perhaps others can confirm that.)

You know, I wasn't sure if I need to start posting here again, but I've decided to take my own advice and make sure I have the best support system I can get.

About a year ago, this community helped me to quit - or at least to complete the 90 days challenge - once, and I'm starting to suspect I'll need it to keep away from gaming in the following months. Because I've been having some issues when it comes to gaming or, to be exact, not gaming.

Hey there. Awesome to here that things go sort of your way for a change! I was wondering what happened to you.

Heya, I'm starting to suspect you've developed an addiction to the GQ forums, seeing your "no sugar" journal :p. Good stuff though, and I'm actually about to do something similar as well by getting back to low carb eating style.

@Marquess is back

1388166004332.thumb.gif.5fdf37ddb23db8c5

gender issues

You mean towards the feminine gender or your own gender? Man, you've been through a lot.

 

Looking forward to read you again. Welcome back dear friend!

I'm been aware of my body disphoria since 2015, and I still haven't decided on how to resolve it in a way that would enable me to live a happy and fulfilled life.

I no longer hate myself for it though; I no longer feel that I'm a disgusting degenerate that should kill themselves for wanting to be a woman, so to speak. That said, at the present moment, I don't consider myself to be anything but a man. A man with some highly specific issues, but a man nevertheless. You won't get any crazy SJW shit from me.

Quitting WoW with the help of GQ forums, tbh, helped me a lot with realizing the above. And while my first reaction was thinking that this is surely just another way to distract myself from The Real Issues™ (sorting life, getting job, etc), this only proved to be yet another one in a line of excuses I've been making to avoid the problem since I was 14 years old. I'm 31 now.

There's a number of ways of how you can approach the topic of gender. On a wider, societal level, we can say that there are two genders because that's how the vast majority of people sees it, and since their views affect their behavior, this is the reality that applies in a majority of situations.

There's no particular reason to try and invent alternative genders since the current dual system exists on a scale that describes every possible gender expression: from a very masculine to very feminine & everything in between. Even if you were to make up some kind of a "third gender", said gender would still exist on a masculine-feminine scale. For example, if you go around and claim that you're "gender neutral", you're still just a very feminine man or a masculine woman.

(Almost all of those people are fucked in the head. Avoid them like plague.)

It would also be unreasonable to try and claim that there aren't significant differences between men and women. Each gender has a specific set of traits - and societal roles - that are associated with it. You will always have outliers, people who are different than most, but in general, it's safe to say that men and women are very different to one another.

However ...

Honestly, with all that in mind, on a completely personal level, when it comes to how you relate to yourself, none of that maters. None of it.

All that matters is your subjective feeling. You can go and analyze femininity and masculinity until you gag, you can try incredibly hard to understand every aspect of it, but it's all for nothing if you're still miserable with how you look and how other people perceive you. It's a highly subjective, personal issue, and it's also something that can't be explained rationally. (A very troubling realization if you consider yourself a rational person.)

If you want to change your gender, all you need to do is look and act like it. That's literally all there is to it. Of course, you need to be convincing, or the normies will sniff you out, like the rabid dogs they are, and tear you apart while congratulating themselves for being morally superior to you.

Edited by Marquess
ALSO I GREW OUT OF SEMICOLONS IT SEEMS. this post only has one for the old time's sake :^)
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You know, I wasn't sure if I need to start posting here again, but I've decided to take my own advice and make sure I have the best support system I can get.

About a year ago, this community helped me to quit - or at least to complete the 90 days challenge - once, and I'm starting to suspect I'll need it to keep away from gaming in the following months. Because I've been having some issues when it comes to gaming or, to be exact, not gaming.

Hey there. Awesome to here that things go sort of your way for a change! I was wondering what happened to you.

Heya, I'm starting to suspect you've developed an addiction to the GQ forums, seeing your "no sugar" journal :p. Good stuff though, and I'm actually about to do something similar as well by getting back to low carb eating style.

Yeah it is kind of a relapse to spend time here again and even writing some stuff ;) But it feels good to write with you guys and this time  and I am not really bound to do anything. I just write stuff if I feel like doing and my little journal increased the accountability for my betterment. I'm basically a gamequitter in moderation. 

Sounds like you did big steps in therapy. Keep at it. I know that it isn't trivial to stick to it for such a long time and fight through such issues.  

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Yeah it is kind of a relapse to spend time here again and even writing some stuff ;) But it feels good to write with you guys and this time  and I am not really bound to do anything. I just write stuff if I feel like doing and my little journal increased the accountability for my betterment. I'm basically a gamequitter in moderation. 

Sounds like you did big steps in therapy. Keep at it. I know that it isn't trivial to stick to it for such a long time and fight through such issues.  

I used to know how to delete these quote frames, lol.

Anyway, so are you still counting the time since you've stopped gaming?

Yeah, I think the general idea people have about therapy is that it's relaxing since when you're, for example, venting to your friends about your problems, it usually fells good in the end. But it really is just exhausting, and even though I'm better, after all this work and more than 10 months of sobriety, I've never been more emotionally brittle in my life.

I have developed a lot stronger sense of self and stopped with the self hate, but I'm just so fucking sensitive to everything. I don't know what's to come out of this.

I would absolutely hate if I were forced to live some sort of an incredibly limited life where I'm basically considered a mental patient, perform some light tasks, live in poverty and irrelevance forever. I'm terrified of that possibility. I find it disgusting to even think about attempting to make peace with it.

And even so, last weekend I was visiting my family, and I had to leave after about half an hour due to stress. I couldn't handle being around them or any sort of people. As ridiculous as it may sound, I was feeling incredibly self-conscious of my hair that day. When I got home, I shaved my entire head to 0.9 mm with exception of the area in front of both ears, which resulted in sort of a ratty punk look that I at least don't absolutely hate.

It's the kind of absurd crap I deal with every day. I would much prefer the issues I have with my identity to go away instantly, but trying to deny them only makes it worse - whenever I try, I only last a day if that. There's a therapist that deals with this kind of stuff in my town, luckily, and I've actually made two appointments with her in 2016 (but I'd always cancel).

So I suppose that's the way forward for me in this specific regard.

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I wanted to make a new thread to continue there, and the reason for me not doing so is that I'm still gaming on occasion. It's not such a huge part of my life as it used to be, but I'm not going to try and sell you the idea of moderate gaming. It's just where I am right now.

This reminds me of a youtuber that we mentioned in this thread. A youtuber named "bignoknow" that's best known for his "1 year of sobriety" video. And hey, I'm over 10 months sober myself, but the thing about bignoknow is that he's been drinking again for probably more than a year at this point. He continues making videos, seems to remain employed, married and in good shape, but still struggles with his mental issues. The way he puts it, occasional social drinking helps him deal with it.

Even more, he, about a year ago, started taking benzos, basically a type of psychiatric med that can be prescribed for anxiety but can also be used as a recreational drug, to deal with the effects of drinking - effects of being hungover of all things. And his big recent triumph was that he finally managed to kick the benzos (but continues to, as he puts it, drink socially).

He also made probably more than one bitchy, aggressive videos addressing the fact that he, with his 1 year of sobriety video and also tons of other content, betrayed the relationship he's established with many of his viewers who have also been maintaining sobriety or trying to quit drinking. He would never admit that he betrayed anyone; he essentially said that that's his life and take it or leave it (bitch). He didn't even manage to show enough maturity to, idk, he should probably just stop making videos at the point at which he started drinking again.

How does that even happen. How do you go from having sorted everything and abstaining for so long to this.

I can't imagine, personally, drinking again. I find it incredibly hard to imagine a realistic set of circumstances so extreme that would make me drink again. Gaming, though, is a different beast.

It wouldn't make any sense to start new topics and count to 90 again right now. I will post here occasionally though. My days look nothing like they did a year ago, and yet they still include some gaming. I'll see where it takes me.

TZNSFzR.jpg

Edited by Marquess
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mmm. I haven't watched a video of his but I think it is that he has some more internal demons to overcome to grow up. It is ultimately a personal journey and if he realises that he can drink "socially" but more importantly responsibly then I think its a decision to respect. If it is a relapse then it is important to remember that we are all prone to making mistakes and we shouldn't judge others-especially when videos/journals are only small windows into someone's life.

I imagine with drinking the journey is so long that you are never really cured, you just deal with it daily. I myself as a reaction to not gaming for a while back went on the mother of all binges, was very cocky about it as I was able to hold up school as well at the time. I dunno, now it just feels right and I just don't at all feel keen to go back to it again. I feel embarrassed that I acted like that to my family and friends.

These are just my initial thoughts form reading your last post, I dunno if that answered any questions.

 

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mmm. I haven't watched a video of his but I think it is that he has some more internal demons to overcome to grow up. It is ultimately a personal journey and if he realises that he can drink "socially" but more importantly responsibly then I think its a decision to respect. If it is a relapse then it is important to remember that we are all prone to making mistakes and we shouldn't judge others-especially when videos/journals are only small windows into someone's life.

I imagine with drinking the journey is so long that you are never really cured, you just deal with it daily. I myself as a reaction to not gaming for a while back went on the mother of all binges, was very cocky about it as I was able to hold up school as well at the time. I dunno, now it just feels right and I just don't at all feel keen to go back to it again. I feel embarrassed that I acted like that to my family and friends.

These are just my initial thoughts form reading your last post, I dunno if that answered any questions.

 

Right, but the thing is he's been talking about all these things extensively in his past videos, and he's drinking again anyway. It's not uncommon for addicts to maintain occasional use for weeks or even months once they relapse, but they always end up in the same place.

With regards to drinking (and I'm aware of the parallels with gaming), it's not as bad as you seem to imply. After 10 months, which is still considered early sobriety, drinking definitely isn't something I have to deal with every day. I'm not haunted by thoughts of getting wasted, and I don't have to fight them off every evening - not even close.

For the most part, I don't even think about it any more. There are certain days on which I feel more stressed than usual (hah), and then I tend to get a sort of a vague thought of how drinking would really help me relax, but I never pursue it, and it goes away rather fast. Things truly do get better if you keep at it.

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My biggest problem right now is stress related to learning new skills.

Learning anything is torture for me. I'm trying to build a website, an online bookstore, right now, and it just becomes unbearable in about an hour. I'm ashamed to admit that I've even bought a website builder (Divi), and I'm still having problems ... things that should be easy and obvious always tend to present a crippling issue to me.

I'm starting to think that there's no "hidden potential" for me to "unlock". That this is simply how I am and will be until I cease living. That perhaps the best I can do with my life is work really hard on learning the skills I absolutely need to get by, and then ... then what?

I have everything else covered, holy shit, I literally just need to build a website. And here I am, losing my shit over not being able to properly customize a fucking slider module. I've looked at the videos, blog posts, I still know basic CSS, but it doesn't seem to matter. Now, at this point, I'm too stressed and devastated to continue.

I feel like I'm mentally crippled somehow. I don't understand.

I don't want to paint this as a catastrophe because it clearly isn't. I just don't know how to proceed. With this specific issue, I guess I'll just take a break and then try again.ni3oGv5.jpg

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Yeah it is kind of a relapse to spend time here again and even writing some stuff ;) But it feels good to write with you guys and this time  and I am not really bound to do anything. I just write stuff if I feel like doing and my little journal increased the accountability for my betterment. I'm basically a gamequitter in moderation. 

Sounds like you did big steps in therapy. Keep at it. I know that it isn't trivial to stick to it for such a long time and fight through such issues.  

I used to know how to delete these quote frames, lol.

Anyway, so are you still counting the time since you've stopped gaming?

 

To delete the frames you'll need to enter something in front of them (i.e. an empty line and then they'll get deletable.

No I don't keep counting but I know that I started my detox in January 2016. I also had a little relapse in the end of 2017 (1-2 days) But all in all I would count myself basically game free since then. That makes soon two years. And finally I stopped watching game related stuff lately. Lately it feels like books are more interesting then the web which is kind of crazy for me but very welcome. It helps a lot that I got a job a few days ago and don't have to worry about studying or job search anymore. Pressure and Stress was always the main reasons for me to go back to gaming. I spend all my time right now with my wife and my newborn son so I don't have time to watch shit on youtube anyway. Reading is quite possible with a sleeping baby in your lap though. So yeah I am very thankful for my life right now.

That's also why I always feel a little hippocritical if I offer advice to you or other guys. I feel like most of my luck is actual good luck. Good genetics good psyche and lucky environment. Of course this oversimplified but only lately I started to benefiting my own life in a meaningful way and it pays off. I just had the luck to start from a very lucky point. That is why I admire it if someone with mental problems and much harder circumstances fight through them to a new life. You rock man. I am sure that that website problem will get solved by trying and trying again . It is no use to compare yourself to others or judge things as simple or hard. The only thing it gets you is a bad self-esteem. If you are stuck maybe you can reach out to someone who has the necessary skill? Most people are surprisingly willing to help strangers because it makes them feel good about themselves.

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To delete the frames you'll need to enter something in front of them (i.e. an empty line and then they'll get deletable.

No I don't keep counting but I know that I started my detox in January 2016. I also had a little relapse in the end of 2017 (1-2 days) But all in all I would count myself basically game free since then. That makes soon two years. And finally I stopped watching game related stuff lately. Lately it feels like books are more interesting then the web which is kind of crazy for me but very welcome. It helps a lot that I got a job a few days ago and don't have to worry about studying or job search anymore. Pressure and Stress was always the main reasons for me to go back to gaming. I spend all my time right now with my wife and my newborn son so I don't have time to watch shit on youtube anyway. Reading is quite possible with a sleeping baby in your lap though. So yeah I am very thankful for my life right now.

That's also why I always feel a little hippocritical if I offer advice to you or other guys. I feel like most of my luck is actual good luck. Good genetics good psyche and lucky environment. Of course this oversimplified but only lately I started to benefiting my own life in a meaningful way and it pays off. I just had the luck to start from a very lucky point. That is why I admire it if someone with mental problems and much harder circumstances fight through them to a new life. You rock man. I am sure that that website problem will get solved by trying and trying again . It is no use to compare yourself to others or judge things as simple or hard. The only thing it gets you is a bad self-esteem. If you are stuck maybe you can reach out to someone who has the necessary skill? Most people are surprisingly willing to help strangers because it makes them feel good about themselves.

Oh wow, congratulations on the baby. I have a 1 year old niece, and she's amazing - it has really changed my perspective on having children. It's something I'd most definitely consider in a few years (if I still have a functioning set of testicles by then - but you freeze your sperm before you start transitioning anyway).

And with regards to my mental problems, you're not wrong in stating that I do have them, but you also need to understand they're more apparent here, in my journal, where I write about them openly and often in some kind of emotional state. If we were to meet in real life, I'd come off as completely collected and friendly.

You're also right about reaching out for help. It's ridiculous because the company that makes the website builder I'm using (Divi) has literal support forums with employees who do nothing but answer questions. But, ah ah, I still tend to fall into a trap of wanting to do everything on my own & feeling like the world's about to end when I can't figure it out instantly.

By the way, and I'm sorry to have to point this out again, I am currently still playing WoW on occasion, which is the reason why I'm not counting days right now. I do understand I'll have to quit again and soon though.

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Edited by Marquess
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My god.

Three things.

1. Yesterday, after a session with my psychologist, I was so stressed out that - I cycle both ways - I, after driving at the side of a busy, road, crossed the said road without looking. I simply turned the wheel, made a sudden, 90 degree turn, and only realized what I'm doing after being nearly run over by a car. And luckily, they weren't driving that fast & were able to stop before hitting me, but ... that road is also a bus line. I could've been a bus. Or even a small truck. Or any kind of a car driving at a higher speed.

I may have scratched the car a bit, but they just honked, gave me angry looks, and drove off. The devastated expression on my face might have helped with that; perhaps they decided they'd rather not deal with a person that's so obviously disturbed.

2. For a long time, I've been hearing loud banging noises coming from somewhere in the apartment building I live in - sometimes even at the middle of the night. I was, for two years, absolutely sure that my neighbors were to blame, and after all this time, I've finally gathered the courage to stand up to them, let the brutish idiots know I'll no longer tolerate their behavior.

After pressing the doorbell, a small, nervous girl opened up and behind her a tastefully, I'd even say artistically, decorated apartment. She told me that she thought the banging was coming from my apartment this entire time. I don't have a particular reason not to believe her, lol.

3. I finally, after putting it off for two years, made an appointment with the therapist the deals with gender-related issues. I still can't believe I finally did it. I still don't know how this entire affair is going to end, but I do realize that my feeling are very real, and that they're not going anywhere. I'm ready for anything at this point.

BONUS: I've shaved my entire head. My hair isn't that great, so the end result is actually better, or I should say less bad, than the previous situation.

Excuse me for making a WoW reference, but the approach I'm taking right now is that of a rogue player in arena that isn't entirely sure what the strategy is, but knows that he has to come out of stealth, open, do damage and CC in order to have any kind of hope of  winning the game.

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Edited by Marquess
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