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[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)


Marquess
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I'm happy; at the moment, I'm settled into a cozy routine that consists of getting up at 6-7 AM, going for a walk, writing at least thousand words, then two hours of studying. One hour PHP and one hour copywriting. I suck and PHP, but I want to learn it since I think not having at least some kind of programming knowledge makes you a pleb (and it's useful for Wordpress). Copywriting goes a lot better.

This is the max of what I'm capable right now as I have trouble sleeping and seem to feel a little worse every day. Going keto in a few days in hopes of improving it all and also making a psychiatrist appointment, ugh, tonight. (I don't intend to go on any kind of meds right now; I'd just like to see what are the options. I'm confident I can solve this without that crap.)

I managed to come up with about thousand more words on it if someone's interested: https://uncannythoughts.wordpress.com/2016/08/18/ungood/

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Edited by Marquess
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Just like you I didn't want to be on meds. In my case I didn't want to be one of those "weak minded" people who need pills.
I thought "I can get my life in order when I want, I will just have one more game, one more porn scene, etc"
But I started to a see a pattern in my depression. The pattern was:

Play videogames, neglect school, neglect my girlfriend, hit the gym sometimes, avoiding being social, sleeping late.
Watch porn, masturbate, felt like shit.
Repeat until I finally said that I had enough, vowed I would put my life in order.
I'd go a couple of days without porn and masturbation, put attention to school and my girlfriend, very little gaming, hit the gym often
Then I would start gaming and the cycle would repeat.

Each cycle the "vowing to put my life in order" time was shorter each time and the "feel like shit" was longer.
I don't even remember how many times I tried to beat my depression. I would get in a strong mindset but I would always eventually succumb.

You sound like you have your routine in order. Just be honest with yourself and put the cards on the table, let the doctor give you a diagnostic and see what happens.
By the way there are several types of depression, in my case I was diagnosed with Dysthymia, which is a chronic type but less severe.

Who is joining you to see the doctor?

 

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Just like you I didn't want to be on meds. In my case I didn't want to be one of those "weak minded" people who need pills.
I thought "I can get my life in order when I want, I will just have one more game, one more porn scene, etc"
But I started to a see a pattern in my depression. The pattern was:

Play videogames, neglect school, neglect my girlfriend, hit the gym sometimes, avoiding being social, sleeping late.
Watch porn, masturbate, felt like shit.
Repeat until I finally said that I had enough, vowed I would put my life in order.
I'd go a couple of days without porn and masturbation, put attention to school and my girlfriend, very little gaming, hit the gym often
Then I would start gaming and the cycle would repeat.

Each cycle the "vowing to put my life in order" time was shorter each time and the "feel like shit" was longer.
I don't even remember how many times I tried to beat my depression. I would get in a strong mindset but I would always eventually succumb.

You sound like you have your routine in order. Just be honest with yourself and put the cards on the table, let the doctor give you a diagnostic and see what happens.
By the way there are several types of depression, in my case I was diagnosed with Dysthymia, which is a chronic type but less severe.

Who is joining you to see the doctor?

 

No one is joining me. Why would they?

I was on Zoloft and Zyprexa for about two months two years ago; I have an idea what these meds do, and I hated it since they did turn me into a sort of zombie. The meds clouded my negative emotions and made me feel better, but they also diminished all the positives. It was like experiencing the world through a filter. Besides, I like to believe that I can do more than just treat the symptoms.

I'd say the whole idea of depression in our (popular) culture that's now heavily influenced by social media has been wretched into something anyone can claim to have for attention and perhaps even monetary gain (if you're a cute girl on YouTube that cries into the camera). It's become a sort of a meme. So that makes it even harder to admit to yourself that you are in fact depressed even after you realize that you're not an inherently bad, lazy person who just needs to try harder. (Not that you need to stop trying; it's just that there's far more to it.)

Depression is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

Dude, your cycle sounds exactly like mine minus the girlfriend. I'd have some girls during those, uh, years but always short term, and all of them were girls who were, just like me, not sure what to do with themselves.

Did you also write down elaborate plans and get all pumped up about it?

(Btw, as far as goals go, check this out: http://blog.dilbert.com/post/102964992706/goals-vs-systems)

(It's basically about how it's better to have a certain system, a routine, than focus too much on concrete goals. You can follow a system and win at that every day, but if you obsess with a goal, every day is a failure until you reach that goal. And even when you do reach it, the satisfaction is almost always short lived.)

In my experience, it makes a lot more sense to quit the most destructive habit and instill some positive ones while leaving the other parts of your live as they are. For example, I stopped playing games and developed a, to be fair, a very modest routine while making no attempt to cut things like porn or social networks (apart from using Cold Turkey when I study and write).

And even so, my interest in both porn and shitposting on social networks has dropped in those 90 days -- without spending any effort on it or beating myself for enjoying those things. Not everything is a crippling addiction.

Edited by Marquess
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Buying Genesis Framework and webhosting on Dreamhost today. Hypehype.

60$ (the framework) is not a negligible sum for me, yet I think it's worth it; I want to start learning how to use it asap, and it'll also further motivate me to learn PHP, which I'm terrible at. I honestly don't believe I have the potential to be a great programmer in any way (neither I want to be), but I can still massively benefit from it. 

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No one is joining me. Why would they?

It´s usually recommended that you go with someone close to you like a family member. So they know what are you feeling and talk to them about what you want and what you don´t want.

I was on Zoloft and Zyprexa for about two months two years ago; I have an idea what these meds do, and I hated it since they did turn me into a sort of zombie. The meds clouded my negative emotions and made me feel better, but they also diminished all the positives. It was like experiencing the world through a filter. Besides, I like to believe that I can do more than just treat the symptoms.

Zyprexa is a controlled med and an antipsychotic. I actually took several meds before finding one that worked with me. The meds are just extra help. The routine is more important. I decided to start the meds because the depressive cycle lasted a very long time and I was simply having no progress.

Each case is different, perhaps you don´t need meds, perhaps you do. Maybe pyschoteraphy, or just new activities. Maybe a life plan could help or something in your past doesn´t lets you move on. Whatever it is I hope you get better.

I'd say the whole idea of depression in our (popular) culture that's now heavily influenced by social media has been wretched into something anyone can claim to have for attention and perhaps even monetary gain (if you're a cute girl on YouTube that cries into the camera). It's become a sort of a meme. So that makes it even harder to admit to yourself that you are in fact depressed even after you realize that you're not an inherently bad, lazy person who just needs to try harder. (Not that you need to stop trying; it's just that there's far more to it.)

Dude, your cycle sounds exactly like mine minus the girlfriend. I'd have some girls during those, uh, years but always short term, and all of them were girls who were, just like me, not sure what to do with themselves.

Did you also write down elaborate plans and get all pumped up about it?

Yep, just like that. I would write down my goals, the things to avoid, things to do. Sometimes I would wait until monday to start, others I would start the very same day.
I would be pumped for a few days or weeks. Sometimes I wouldn´t even get started.

But then I seemed like I would run out of steam (I wouldn´t last long either)

My girlfriend was crucial factor. I would always convince her like I would convince myself "I will get right this time".
Eventually she showed me I had been saying the same for a year and I was in the same position doing the same cycle, but each time was worse.

And even so, my interest in both porn and shitposting on social networks has dropped in those 90 days -- without spending any effort on it or beating myself for enjoying those things. Not everything is a crippling addiction.

That´s great. In my case I see a relation or correlation between depression and gaming, fapping and porn. That´s why I´m looking to avoid all three.

Edited by Daniel
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Day 89. Gonna be day 90 in less than 11 hours ...

I got wasted on Friday, which isn't great. However, eating mostly fruit for about a week prior somehow got me close to being keto adapted. I'm not even sure how since things like apples have too much sugar to allow for that, but it happened somehow. I can tell from how I felt and also from the terrible hangover I had to suffer through the day after.

Basically wake up dehydrated, go drink water, vomit it all out 10 minutes later. Too tired to sit, too tired to even lay in bed.

However, and this is where I return to my previous point, I only drank for 1 day (down from 2 last time, and that was down from usual 3) and felt absolutely no need to continue drinking. As far as I can tell, I also avoided a meltdown; YouTube history looks fine, no raging anywhere, etc. It's Sunday and I feel pretty ok; I also have to say that I didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do.

So the point is that what I'm doing works. Even without actively trying to cut every single negative/destructive activity out of my life, they are fading away on their own. I think this is an incredibly important point that needs to be emphasized more. We have people coming here all pumped up and declaring how they'll quit everything right this instance and fuck yeah future is looking awesome. This then lasts maybe a few weeks. The drop out rate, if I remember correctly, is around 45%.

With the gaming detox nearly out of the way, I'll now focus on not drinking at all too. Absolutely none of it. I feel I'm ready now. I already did 59 days not too long ago; this time I'm going for 90.

 

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OOOK GUSY with 90 days under my belt, I can now play video games casually like a normal person :^^^^^^^). Thanks and goodbye jk. Yeah, I don't exactly feel like I have the time to even play right now. I have so much other stuff to do. Things I should have done years ago, too.

The key change happened around day 80 when I realized what the situation regarding depression and learning problems is. But I had another realization soon after, and I'd like to make that the main point of my 90 day detox.

All you have to do is quit games and introduce two to max. three positive habits into your life. You don't have to quit every single bad habit; you don't have to adopt a series of great activities to turn your life around. Changing your life is a process, and it's always slow and difficult so don't make it even harder by trying to do everything at once.

By just making some positive changes, you will, as time passes, automatically start abandoning your other destructive habits and start thinking about what more you can do to improve your life. This will happen without having to use force, motivation, willpower; it's an automatic process that requires no effort whatsoever.

This is, in my opinion, the best way to improve your life. I'd also argue that it's the only way; the reason why most people fail to change for the better is because they try to do too much at once. They expect improvement to come overnight, and they're also not prepared to fail. You will fail. You may even relapse, but this is all just a part of a process.

The most important part, apart from finding others who struggle with the same problems, is to keep trying until something works.

I played WoW for 9 years; I thought about it while I wasn't playing, and I often dreamed about it as well. It took me almost a year of posting here to finally get through the 90 day detox. I'm absolutely convinced that if I can do it, anyone else can too.

I'm too well aware of what gaming does to my brain to relapse. I could go and reinstall now, and I'd be back to my old patterns in a matter of ways. There's no way around it, but luckily I have so many others important and exciting things to do with my life. I'm happy.

I'm also grateful for this website and everyone on it. Cam and everyone who posted in my journal; there are too many to list, but you know who you are. This could never ever happen without your support.

What also helped me was my previous knowledge about alcohol addiction. There's little difference between the two. I drank twice during my 90 day gaming detox; however, and this brings me back to my main point, I drank far less than I normally would, and I also feel no urge to drink anytime soon. That said, it is something I'll have to face again in a few weeks, but I'm now ready to finally put this part of my life behind me as well.

I have tons of experience and knowledge about it (including several months long bouts of sobriety and the xp of going through what was essentially rehab), and with gaming out of my life, I've never been more prepared.

With that, I begin my 90 day no drinking detox. Currently on day 3.

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Congratulations Marquess! You should be proud of this accomplishment.

Thanks for sharing what you learned about the process. Keeping your detox as simple as possible is a great advice. I think this is what we failed to understand before we arrived at gamequitters.
Just like you said, quit gaming, keep a journal and add a new positive activity.
Love fact that you will apply the same strategy to another negative activity, best of luck!

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I'm too well aware of what gaming does to my brain to relapse. I could go and reinstall now, and I'd be back to my old patterns in a matter of ways. There's no way around it, but luckily I have so many others important and exciting things to do with my life. I'm happy.

To be honest, I really doubt that. I mean the part about easy falling back into old patterns. Yes, you can reinstall and play for a while, ignoring the whispers in your head, but gaming will never be the same as before. There is indeed a similarity to alcohol, as you can not drink lighthearted ever again, once you realized you are a damn self-destructive addict. I am sure you felt this for some years while still playing WoW. It is a feeling that spoils your experience in the game, no matter how hard you try to ignore, it always catches up with you. On the other hand, everytime you overcome your desires for relapsing, you are rewarded with a breeze of glory. At least, that's how I imagine it. Reality shows, that relapsing is way more fun than perseverance. Well, short-term at least.

Oh, and congratulations on your 90-day-detox. My envy is with you.

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That I am able to see this day is awesome! Dude I ( random guy out of the Internet) am really happy that you were able to do this. I hope you come through your enxt challenges but I am sure you will make it. Have fun living!

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I'm too well aware of what gaming does to my brain to relapse. I could go and reinstall now, and I'd be back to my old patterns in a matter of ways. There's no way around it, but luckily I have so many others important and exciting things to do with my life. I'm happy.

To be honest, I really doubt that. I mean the part about easy falling back into old patterns. Yes, you can reinstall and play for a while, ignoring the whispers in your head, but gaming will never be the same as before. There is indeed a similarity to alcohol, as you can not drink lighthearted ever again, once you realized you are a damn self-destructive addict. I am sure you felt this for some years while still playing WoW. It is a feeling that spoils your experience in the game, no matter how hard you try to ignore, it always catches up with you. On the other hand, everytime you overcome your desires for relapsing, you are rewarded with a breeze of glory. At least, that's how I imagine it. Reality shows, that relapsing is way more fun than perseverance. Well, short-term at least.

Oh, and congratulations on your 90-day-detox. My envy is with you.

 

Perhaps I'm wrong but  I think Cam talked about this in some video about the neurons related to an addictive activity. The change in the synapse process in addicted neurons will remain even after you permanently quit such activity. There's a saying "once an addict always an addict". Hopefully Cam can point out such video.

However those whispers in my head you talk about do come up. Perhaps it's just conscience guiding me. Perhaps it's guilt. 

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Thanks everyone.

I'm not sure how much I still want to write about how miserable I am, and how terrible is my life. I've been meaning to get back into keto for more than a week now, but I've been instead blasting my body with high carb, high fat, high protein diet + tons of green tea to somewhat offset the negative mental effects, heh.

Other than that, everything is more or less the same. I slacked a little bit after reaching 90 days, but I'm back now.

I'm really pained by not having enough money. I'm still not spending even remotely enough time working on it though I continue to write every day.

WoW is releasing the new xpac tonight, and I may or may not check it out on Twitch. But I'm not terribly interested in it truth be told; it's no longer a game I loved so much. I think all modern mainstream gaming is utter trash, really.

But on the other hand, I think I'll continue posting here every day now. This would be the worst possible time to start slipping away in any sense.

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