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Everything posted by -n.g-

  1. Mostly a stream of thoughts to clear out and put down to proverbial paper. I would also like to preface this by acknowledging that I am perfectly aware Australia is that place a person says: "fuck this shit, I am moving to Australia" - that is exactly what happened! I honest cannot believe how far I have come. I still have clinical depression but man I feel like I am getting somewhere. I put down the pills and haven't gone back to them (they were helpful), I don't feel anxious and on edge 24/7. I moved to Australia to pick up where I left off. I never thought I would get here, really I thought it was a nice daydream 3 years ago. I moved to Perth an outdoors beautiful place to go. I stopped cycling for a bit in the UK but now I am using my bicycle here on a regular basis. My degree at this university is not exacerbating my mental embuggerance and I actually feel more productive than I have ever been. The sun shines the people are lovely, I can cycle to the beach anytime. I cannot believe such a turn of fortune and how much I am learning about myself. --trigger warning, skip spoilers-- -------- I didn't really have a road map to get here, just some vague ideas. I stopped day dreaming about "what life would be like if..." I have a vague idea about going to Singapore to work in the future. I have contacts and am keeping in touch regularly but am not holding out for it alone, my future is open. Moving half way around the world, away from a toxic environment has helped me so much. Its one big life decision I do not regret, an expensive one - the money I save could have been a deposit for a nice rented flat, but I'd rather this than a squat in London for another 3 years or whatever. Besides, living in one of the few big cities that has been largely unaffected by the virus has been an enormous blessing too. A cliche to say but I do wake up in the mornings and think: man I am thankful for being here where life is still normal. The workload for study is a little less but my grades have gone up, I nailed 95 in one of my units (accounts for 60% of the mark) which makes me eligible for a second honors degree (although I am actually not going to take it, I'll be too broke for that!) and am looking to repeat that success again this semester. ---------- I live alone with help from family and jobs. I feel very comfortable here, I can decide my own schedules and routines I don't feel restricted by anything. One thing I have always asked myself is: do I really have friends? People get in touch with me, not the reverse? Who calls me to see if I am well? I think I am in the wrong group. I think I am perennially uninteresting (even if some say i am not on first impressions) and I am happy with that, I have after all gotten used to being alone, its rather comforting to not just feel, but actually be in control of that now. I think games helped fill that void. I get invited to one or two parties - first time I have ever been regularly invited to anything informal but I must admit, I don't give a hoot about it. My time is spent cycling. I am going to a gym induction on Friday. I eat healthier and cook at home most days of the week and when I eat out, its cheap sushi. I still sleep late but its becuase I enjoy working late nights, thought am looking to cut that out. --------------- As for you over here reader? Small methodical steps done in 3s and 5s. I would be thinking and writing down about how I could be more productive and how I could improve myself everyday. Half of it I honestly did not complete, the rest I would try, some of it worked some of it didn't. One of the best things was pickup Microsoft one note and rearranging the points I had made myself. I would make a timetable for half a day and complete it once a week until I got extremely comfortable with it. Small wins add up. I have no advice for settling in to yourself. I don't know how I did it, I guess its a change of mindset (which might involve going 10,000 miles somewhere else.) one day. I still make a note of the things I have achieved or learned ever day although I do it mentally before bed. Yep I am that guy! --------------- I could go on but I have a class in an hour and need to get ready for it. Besides, who want's to sit through more droning disjointed reading?! I wish you all the best. I cannot remember if I did this before but thanks to @Cam Adair for setting up this place and giving past opportunities.
  2. -Left university after realising just how bad it was for my health. I will in fact be leaving to study in Perth, Australia next year where the sun shines, the life is laid back and the cost of living isn't awful. I need a sea change, literally another sea on the other side of the world. I can not keep living in this rut in London, 24 years is long enough I think. -Recieved help from a therapist but the cost of going to one is so high I could longer see them. If you have the resources for it, do it, that and exercise and a stable sleeping routine. -No longer unemployable. My jobs are crap but hey, money; and I am not sitting around in a black hole inside my head. The up side is that I get sent to some nice places although the unstable hours, treatment you get on the job and never really being able to sit down has meant I have changed to a full time contracted hours bar job, which I otherwise wouldn't have gotten had I not taken this waiting job, and I would have remained jobless had my old tutor not given a year to work at his practice. -Worked my way out of debt... well, apart from student debt but what lucky educated people don't have that in this age? -Must admit I gave in and binged for a couple weeks before just finally realising: I am done. It was a strange experience to be honest. I think I have spent so long convincing myself I have started to interalize it finally. -I would love to devote more time to drawing. I realized I haven'tsat down to drawn anything free hand in years becuase of my anxiety and depression. I have ideas but so far not enough time to them. Last week I said to myself that I wanted to finish on a high at my waiting job: last shift at Buckingham Palace (see? It takes me to amazing places) but you know what? I think I need to do something for myself that I don't have to think about, I can just enjoy it. -I must learn not to dwell on things now. I need to startmputting my faults and failures behind me. Its a change of perspective but I think a portion of that is racking up more achievements, something hich I hsve had little in the way for quite some time. I mean I have to restart university all over again due to the loss of my original university work. I am bitter about this but there is little I can do, I will ahve spent 30 years in education by the time I am done. This saddens me somewhat, it was within my abilities to have given myself an easier ride in life but that didn't happen unfortunately, all I can do is learn from it and look forward to living in another place for a while. -I must say I am still prone to shouting out to the world that I hate myself with little control of myself. I have no ideas for this. I can only hope things pick up even more. Perhaps then I will feel better. Anyway another year, a new decade eh? It will be better. Well it won't for a little while given the likelihood of another recession but at least I'll know and be in some way prepared. As for the games... I must admit I gave in at the start of year and felt so bad I collapsed in on myself again. It was a terrible overreaction but when you devote yourself to moving on, it feels soul destroying to, it feels like, to watch yourself. But over this something has changed. I am done. I am done and it feels weird to say that. Nothing has really changed beyond having something to hope for, but I have fallen in to that mental trap before. This time though, its a strange change in attitude that I have seemed to finally internalize. That isn't to say that part of me is still holding out for one more release, but just like all the rest I was looking forward to when I was a heavy binge gamer I think this one I will let pass me by and I perhaps then the book will be shut I can do something more. We never really realise how much mental effort it takes to think about these things. Perhaps I might follow this up with another post on mindfullness and the pitfalls that I have realized in trying it but for now it is 2am and I want to sleep sound so I will sign off.
  3. -n.g-

    update 2

    Welp, I came, saw and left. The personal embarrassment inside me and the thoughts of my history was enough for me to leave after a few minutes. The exhibition will be a success no doubt, although it is a bit scattered gunned in approach and I would have liked much further detail concerning some topics, (I didn't need to be there to know that, more or less turned out as I imagined from the renders) but there is something of interest in there for everyone to take away I think, which is the best you could hope for. As an experience being part of it and watching the architects work on it, it was enlightening to see the amount of work, late nights, weekend work, and many, many meetings and headaches that went on to put on the show. On the whole it is an end, not really much of a conclusion. That's it. I have no more thoughts on the subject. I don't know if I should have more of an opinion but quite simply, I don't. I suppose problem gaming has completely ruined it all for me. I just see an end and life shall carry on. I have university starting in a little over a week, due to the some mistakes I made whilst unwell I am now having to get letters from relevant parties to secure funding for this academic year. Yay beaucracy. My fault ultimately but I am certain I will have it sorted... Eventually! I am done for now. I can only hope for better in the future.
  4. -n.g-

    update 2

    Hi, I was on here a while ago but have since forgotten my password and changed email :s Anyhoo, I am here now for another update. It's been a while. I had a relapse, and I snapped back out of it. I have since given away everything, every tiny thing and back in to recovery mode again. I was disappointed in myself for a while but hey, I learned and feel even more disenchanted with gaming. I won't bore you with too much detail but I am (or was) a very problematic gamer. I lost jobs, alienated people, dropped out of university because of my habits, it's been a while to ditch it completely, maybe 3 years of concerted trying. Since my relapse I have been diagnosed with depression and low mood and have made efforts to get my life back on track. I have gotten a job to earn a bit of cash although have now left it to go back to university and finish what I started. It feels good completing those major hurdles, but I have lagged behind on some other stuff like cycling in the mornings and learning French and stabilizing my morning sleeping pattern, still I am optimistic. But I came here to specifically rant about something that has been bothering me for some time. Actually I should be more disappointed than anything about this. My job was at an architect's firm and coincidences abound I found myself part working on a project for a new exhibition at a National Museum in the UK which will be staying a world first exhibition on the video games that the conversations around it. Great, sure fine it’s work. Then the team started talking about the contents of the exhibition that the curators-the clients- wanted to show. It covers almost everything except... Video game addiction! I mentioned it to my boss and his co-workers and they were all stumped too. It’s the one taboo that will not be displayed at this exhibition! Its a shameful oversight but it was too late, the project was locked in and on its way to the building stages. It now opens in a few days time to a preview and I am invited. This means I most likely will be meeting big names from Nintendo, Xbox, playstation, pc, etc. I will be going but I cannot shake that off, can something be that taboo that it can’t even be a last minute addition? It promotes the upsides and downsides that gaming can have on someone’s mental health but to omit that topic? It’s been over 10 months and I am still in disbelief at this. Sure gaming addiction has only recently been classified but nothing about the methods designed to keep people hooked? Nothing?! I want to bring this up in a conversation but am not sure how. I don’t think I will given the magnitude of the event. Anyway, Have a great a day.
  5. Found in the guardian, a conversation between two neuroscientists whilst cleaning my room. https://www.theguardian.com/science/audio/2018/mar/05/a-neuroscientist-explains-is-the-internet-addictive-podcast-season-two
  6. Haha I wish! I think things today are a lot less straightforward than before that allowed for a lone genius to arise. I haven't visited the Vatican, just through the window of a bus going passed it. I don't think I have a favourite building I don't think. I have recently become interested in Ricardo Bofill's Walden 7 in Barcelona, but am more interested on a larger scale of developments to places made over decades that are not being used as intended by the original planner or architect. Architects often talk about place-making as if its some kind of magical unicorn that will kick start communities, with all the bells and whistles of decades of existence attached but I would argue that it isn't design that makes a place, I think it is people who "break it in" like a new shoe, or make personalised adjustments like a bicycle. The design serves as a base for development I think but it doesn't magically become a comfortable place that everyone can enjoy, its become apparent in London that trying to do that just makes way for gentrification of the land. I am thinking of a way (as prep for university) to make design more responsive to changes in community-way to make personalization and I suppose "uniqueness" of a community in the same way it is easy to make and change a gaming PC over say...a Mac where you have to just outright buy the next new one if the old one becomes slow and then over time watch as that one's performance declines again as opposed to constantly changing it and upgrading it according to your tastes. On the whole I think that architecture-proper architecture shouldn't be limited to people with a fuck ton of cash to burn like say, the Catholic church and it should be easier than ever to do it given the technologies available to us, innovations that couldn't have been imagined 150 years ago. More people should be allowed to have input in designing their world. I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound too pretentious! That reminds me, I should read up on the London School of Economics research projects on local high streets... Anyhoo I spent the day thinking quite a bit about work and have about 3 hours to do something light and easy on my eyes, so no more reading or looking at screens for a bit.
  7. Cheers Cam, I will definitely look that up. Day 167 I am securing a second internship, hopefully this time paid. Speaking more regularly to people through whatsapp. I still suffer from crowded areas and have pills and relaxation techniques to make me feel better. My ink work is gathering pace and I am getting better with my new found tools. I want to keep it loose but I think, to be honest I should just have three separate styles (picture is not those three separate styles) . Also here is a very touristy picture of st pauls I took last year: job to do today is get out of the house and draw some triumphal arches in the city and find the churches I didn't manage to take pictures of. should hopefully breaak up drawing church towers all day. The part time internship is nice, giving me something to consistent to plan around. Also I have been managing to, for the past few days go to be early (9.30) and wake up consistently at 5:00am, although I still take morning naps because i am not really a morning person-but it helps me schedule the day and get more done. Nir Eyal 'Hooked' is something I am reading and also the life work of Carlos Scarpa which should help me work on my other design work projects. So at the end of the Month I said I would get a second job of some kind-paid internship Finish half of my church drawing project- detoured a bit and started developing different styles, I have generated a bunch of other ideas to get work on too. This week I'll devote some time to my own little design project, prolly develop my pencil pots that I built for fun into something better seeing as I have amassed more materials.
  8. aye I hope so too. Firstly:- start looking-getting prospectuses and visiting them. I don't know when they start a new academic year but that gives you a time frame needed for applications. Read up on them, there are plenty of resources on the web for that as well as conferences which they usually stick up online. I recently watched the character designers of Skullgirls and Cuphead talk about their work as well as watched videos on typefaces seen on posters and why they are used amongst many other things. Dare I say it, there are game designers wondering around on steam who you can directly get in touch with should you choose that area. These will help you choose what you want to do and give you an introduction in to those fields. Secondly:- the all-important portfolio... How I can best describe it is through a set of key operative terms- 'creating experiences', 'experimenting, generating ideas (and removing the bad ones)', 'good communication and conveyance of ideas' and 'noticing and implementing systems and patterns'-that is ultimately the things that designers/artists are looking for across the board. These experiences are generated not just within those fields but a lot of that comes from outside of them and what you do is bring them back and maybe even provide a commentary; an opinion on them, which the viewer can enjoy. Find a set of common themes in the things that you do and that you take an interest in and start making an investigation out of that. I hope that makes sense. Learning programs are very useful tools, although I think that at the crux of a lot of things, it is knowing how to fill out a sketchbook with stuff you picked up. little observations and ideas written or drawn, bits and pieces that you have collected and stuck in that, kind of thing, scrapbooking. commonly used programs in graphic design I know at least are Adobe suite-illustrator, InDesign and Photoshop which can be easily for free obtained through...ways! CAD software for environmental work I things like, Zbrush, 3Dsmax, Google Sketchup and Blender. Last two are free. I don't know much about game engines but i do know that Unreal engine, Paradox and Crytek are free for personal use. Games with modding tools also help too, perhaps making a map or a level in them. There are a host of different physics based rendering (PBR), material and scene editors out there. However, don't tale it from me, actively go out and find out about what you need from those industries through the people who work in them and the admissions officers. Architecture student on a...self imposed sabbatical, rejoining this year, have friends involved in graphic design/game design/fine art/other.
  9. Day 160 Ah poop. I relapsed a bit after that damn test session towards the end of last year. I don't feel like beating myself over it though. Usually I would reset the counter and hang my head in shame. Now, nah the counter is just a counter that helps me track myself from my lowest point, it has little other importance beyond that. I have been making some progress to my goals and oddly, my boss for the interning decided to have a change off heart and give me a part time paid role (yay!). I have been doing some other casual work on the side mentoring people with dissertations which has gotten a bit of cash flowing too. Found myself a little table lamp that I will be using to read more in bed. 'fraid I am recovering from a huge brunch so no photos of progress at the moment.
  10. Keep everything, no matter how bad you think it is. Has your institution given you a reading list of some kind?
  11. why don't you put sketches up? they don't need to be super refined drawings, just fast things. You can draw loads of them
  12. Day 154 1.53pm Decided to make a new topic to start the New year, its a continuation of the previous one. Unpaid internship ended which gives me more time to work on my own projects: Build up a bank of illustrations to start up an online store in the future which will serve as a form of passive income. Job hunting, I said I wanted to get a job by the end of February. I am in a much better place than I was previously and think a bit clearer now. I redone my CV and am getting help from some benevolent souls on Reddit (I don't have cash for professional help). Today I applied for a couple online applications and then went off to my local high street and town centre to apply for jobs to catch the new year boat, handed all my prints outs and I'll be looking a little further afield for more jobs. Aim is to get a part time job and build myself back to a full time one. Prep for university, reading books and learning programmes. I also have a little project for myself that I am hoping will move on to something further. I am definitively sure the storms have now died down enough to go cycling without sudden rain and wind dumping on my head so I'll be going back to my morning cylcing routine. I am also going to not use the pc to do any work before breakfast and will move learning french after that. # was playing around with my new brushes and pens started making more things out of cardboard between other tasks. off to do some reading and drawing.
  13. Day 146 6:20am I wanted to go morning cycling? Said it too soon. Another winter storm has arrived and brought 40-90 mph gusts... Yeah, not a good idea, especially in the darkness.
  14. Congrats on the performance. I made the mistake of staying up all night to work on some pencil pots and watch a couple new years shows. daft idea because I could have watched reruns later online. So useful although I bought the wrong one. I should have gotten more "planner" than "calendar". Still, sketchbook does the job. I'll just keep the right one for next year. I would like to one day go back to playing the piano but at the moment I have other things that I need to pin down first.
  15. Day 144 4pm-> Have been up all night enjoying the new year in a quiet, mundane way. Made myself a series of pencil pots out of card, I needed something to store all my newly amassed gear as well as reorganise my existing set as I had chucked out a lot (and will prolly chuck out even more). Sounds dull, but it was a nice way to get back in to model making out of paper again. I was thinking about how I could turn it in to something more multi functional like a lamp or a speaker but that might be a bit too far ahead. At the start of my journal I had an idea for making modular things but knew I needed to start physical model making. I suppose procrastination/reorganise my head space was needed to take shape before I could think about that. Anyways, that has resulted in pushing back my schedule (which I have had to push back a little further more as I had underestimated the time it would take to set myself up) but at least now I can find things. However I have been filling my sketchbook with ideas to work towards. My pens arrived earlier than expected so I will be trying those out when I am done building a portfolio of drawings with brushes and fountain pens.I have been really enjoying using ink. Goal of 2018: To not things get in to my head, close my eyes and let it pass over me. Save up money Stop dabbling Achievements of 2017: Gotten out of my mute state and room. Organised an internship and done it. Being offered by my tutor a place to work if life pulls me far down the rabbit hole again. Taken control of my finances. Organised a day to go back to university. Not having a routine with a balance of deviations to stop it from becoming boring and something to work towards and knowing it and feeling that it is futile, watching others float on by seems to be the definition of hell. Having things to hope for and work towards, having a flexible enough routine that I can work towards. Just having a reason to get out of bed. Read books cut down on junk food, started making different kinds of dishes refocused outlook prolly some other stuff I have forgotten. eh thats enough to keep me happy. To do: Close enough to clinch jobs so hopefully by February I have one. Finish portfolio and practise technical drawing and sketching in city. Learning more adobe suite/sketchup/autocad/revit (for BIM)/blender/unreal engine (for rendering) which should go nicely with my model making. Continue fulfilling internship Seems to be a lull in winter storms and chill so back to morning cycling. Unpause and learn French in the mornings. Continue reading. ->4.09pm I think should start a new thread for a new year too but keep the counter.
  16. Your work is great! I think that you could try storyboarding your own ideas (hell you could do a story or an illustration of a compulsion!) here on your journal. That way you get to try out your English and draw. You could share past stories from your life, just small things to start you off. Grave of the Fireflies by Studio Ghibli is a semi autobiographical story, the Scott Pilgrim comic series is derived from the author's youth. You could also try reading those folk/traditional Chinese stories and drawing images that are conjured in your mind from them! I think its a more interesting challenge to look at it. I wonder what a manga version of Ji Gong would look like... I think that your tutor was alluding to the original intention of the style, which was to facilitate story telling through a comic strip/anime format. At the end of the day though art is whatever you want it to be. It can mean something, it can mean nothing at all, it can people happy, it can make them sad. It can be decorative or it can be a very intellectual endeavour. Anyhoo, enough of my rambling, happy new year and happy chinese new year on 16 Feb. .
  17. Day 139 Back to resetting sleep pattern again after that game romp. Anyhoo, with some of the money I got from the internship I decided to buy some art materials as I get further to pen and ink drawing. I have been learning more on skillshare/youtube and subbed to reddit. I just got my first deliveries today and am hoping to get the really important one-containing some isograph pens after the disposables I have been using ran out-should come through in January. In the mean time my main things on the To Do list involves: Learning line drawing on Adobe Illustrator by January 2nd (when my pens arrive). Have all the 14 drawings of churches done and ready for shading Learning lettering with wash pens/fountain pens on watercolour sketchpad by the end of January. Sketching with the fountain pen. Replying to emails after new year. Find new job to supplement me by the end of January. Still, the game session killed me and fills like I am starting a again a bit, although its a bit easier to deal with it and I have a plan.
  18. Pretty much as I expected... I didn't really enjoy it. the people I wanted to play weren't on but the inner completionist in me wanted to complete all the updates, etc etc. So I decided to give in to the screaming little voice this once. As you said, I got fed up of multiplayer and went straight to single player where I binged...badly, and I asked a friend to to tell me to stop after 3 games. 3 games became 6, then it became an aim to complete everything. Suddenly I had dumped 10+hours in to it but I was aware I was doing it. I was actively repulsed by it but at the same time the urge to finish it was just too much not to put down. Even though I have completed everything but not had the chance to see people, I am uninstalling it all over again. You were right, it was still worth a test. Perhaps for end of year occasions I might crack it open, but I have better things to do now. It was the act of completing it all that drove me rather than any fun. I didn't gain much satisfaction from finishing it, especially remembering than none of this actually exists. I suppose the last thing I can do is sell off my inventory on my account, buy a game, refund it and have a bit more cash topped up, time to put the account to bed again. I am missing nothing, except sleep! As for the drawings, I am actually going to go for a more polished version of the second one. Its actually London! I I am going for the simpler one because I think it would show up better in prints. the wording of the rhyme would be a lot clearer as it wouldn't have to compete with all the heavy shade tones. I just need to decide whether I want to straighten it out with a ruler or whether I want to keep it complete free hand. I'll be drawing a few more to see. back to drawing and reading again. Tomorrow I might venture out early on my bike to take pictures of the city lights if the train isn't working well. empty car free city for the day a new year and a new outlook a renewed love of drawing another book to keep me company
  19. -n.g-

    Day 6!

    I like your push ups, I think I should do that in the mornings too
  20. if you don't mind me asking, is this the result of a rebound, to have some fun or would be you be willing to make this a serious relationship? anyways, have a happy christmas
  21. Day 135 6.57pm hopefully. I downloaded a game partly as a gift to gaming buddies but mainly for two things:1, I am doing business with someone who plays that game regularly, so hopefully this one time will stop them from mentioning it in every exchange. 2, I am testing myself. I already have a feeling I won't really *enjoy* it much. I think I'll enjoy the company but that is it. anyhoo this post is mainly to cement my position. I'll do a follow up afterwards. If ya don't hear from me by the New Year, you'll know I fucked up. I should some of my current money making hobby work I have been illustrations based on the Oranges and Lemons rhyme. It will have some fancy italic writing of the lyrics in the background. I think I was too fast ion wanting to set things up early on. Now i feel more settled, I can do work again. So that us what I will be doing this Christmas. working on this project as well as reading Nir Eyal's hooked. I will also be providing feedback on student dissertations to earn some cash on the side too. oh yes, one mroe thing, I went back to book planners. I can't do it on a phone anymore.
  22. Day 120 check in 1.15pm Wow 3 weeks off. Alrighty, life update: I have since got in touch and have started a printing to earn some cash. I have gotten in touch with my old school who asked me to send an email regarding possible positions in jobs for a year and see how they go. I have also got an architecture internship (unpaid but expenses covered) for the moment to get me doing something and give me something to work around. This far better than attempting to go on the dole though the workers their did give me links to places to work out of pity. No gaming still. I have had the urge to do so a few times because some of the people I am working with are.... doing an exhibition on video games and the man I said prints to still plays games. Dunno how he does it but I cannot. I still feel bouts of disappointment about the direction my life went in, especially waking up the nights. But I have since decided that I want to become a model maker and work in a business my extended family has making palm oil. I am altogether happier and feel more at peace with what I am doing though I haven't been feeling festive. I hope to tell you next year that I have pulled myself from the rocks. University course that I joined has been suffering from severe funding cuts. Given the amount of cash I am putting in to it I'll be making plans in 2 years to spend my last year at a more prestigious and better funded institution with a better building and facilities simply because-and I hate to say this- its I can no longer see the value vs investment in going to a university who's financial constraints will be hurting my development in the future. 10 hours contact time simply doesn't cut it. I did not use the building or the workshop as its just not a good work environment any more. I would have never thought to make decisions like this 6 months ago. I once had a goal of being in a secure place before 25. That will unlikely happen. This bothers me less and less, at the end of the day I cannot change what has happened and nor should I think to. I want to say one day that if death were to come for me tomorrow< i would happy having looked back with pride on things I have done which I haven't felt in a while. I don't want to be recognised or remembered. There is no point, a million years in to the future the discoveries we revere today will be another footnote. I think I would rather get through a modest life happy at myself than anything else. I suppose you could say it is a happy nihilism of a sort. I have no idea what is on the other side of life but I don't care. I happy with the unknown. I think more people should be happy not knowing and take things as they come along. Anyway enough of my rambling, I should cook lunch and start doing some emails. if I have any time I will be doing a set of illustrations based around Oranges and Lemons which means slogging into the centre of the city again. Buying a fold up bike sounds like such a good idea now.
  23. get them early morning showers
  24. Day 98 11.48 am So yes i went to see the course leader who told me I had to apply next year. He was adamant about it so I will be applying next year. in the meant time I have manage to secure an internship with a previous tutor although it is an probably going to be an unpaid part time position-still something is better than nothing. That goal of setting up my own studio one day has gotten a little closer. I will start on the 1st of December. I have also been invited to view a review of people's work to keep me interested in the course and will be turning up at a networking event run by my school. I have applied to more jobs and have changed my cv again. Applied for universal credit scheme seeing as I am out of job. It does feel somewhat soul crushing and that I don't deserve it, but I need the cash for the food/train fares etc etc. At least I get something and I am in a better position than others. My sleep has been getting better although now I feel like have woken up in a different time zone. Also snapped this on a morning ride around. I bought some card and will be learning again to make models from them. I am hoping to post them later on. Here is some advice mainly as a record to remind myself on here: This is a long and ongoing project, don't expect miracles within a couple days, weeks or months. Don't aim to be permanently happy but instead aim to be slightly happier than average. Write down your goals and repeat them everyday, a strange thing happens and you start to believe it over time. Write down your problems and order them in magnitude, if no solution can be found, do nothing. If people can not be reasoned with, cut them out-no one has is perfect but when it gets that bad, self preservation is a far more effective approach. I wish I had the power to find positive solutions to everything but I quite simply don't. I have has problems with family and I have written things down. I said I would be honest and try to give people everything, but after writing it out I felt better and don't wish to give people a long rambling story of self pity as I am better than that. Exercise. doesn't need to be hard, just a walk for 5-10 minutes in the mornings when the sun rises is all. You just need something to do while you think. Eat well. You don't need to go vegan (in any case the diet just doesn't agree with my body), completely cut out you vices or going on a gut busting diet if you do not feel like it, just eat healthy. 5-a-day, and cut down on the sugar and the caffeine, the come down from too much of both is actually quite bad. Don't take the world too seriously, take the plug out and realise the silliness in life and society. Our cave people brains are poorly adapted to the world we have built up in a relatively short period of time, don't beat yourself up about it. Minimise screen time, this was a hard one because you will ask yourself what to do next. You begin to take up hobbies is what you do. You will try and you will try and though it may seem tiring you can always go that next step. Once you have broken through the barrier, keeping going and only take a glance back. The relapses in previous years have been frequent and major by myself have been frequent, I could not moderate very well and it was the thought of playing that had clouded my judgement-I am still not free of it, but my head is clearer. I will not being picking up a game again. I had, I would like to think mostly good experiences with online gaming friends, but now is the time to move on with my life. I said goodbye to a few. I have had problems, some very serious ones that have resulted in me losing what amounts to 2 years of my life doing virtually nothing over one year periods. I was using gaming as a form of escapism and a means of giving me faux goals and achievements that were not beneficial to me in any way. I know it is easier said than done. But even one small positive change, one tiny change is enough to get the ball rolling. Use the time you have gained for self reflection, do not do so for the sake of doing otherwise you will still be miserable and you wouldn't know why.
  25. Day 89 12. 25pm For a couple days now I have been thinking about regret. I think there is regret, then it proceeds on to disappointment and that proceeds forth into lessons learned. Regret is wishing you did something and every time you think about that moment, you tell yourself, what would I have done differently? If I did that this, then that event would not have happened. Perhaps, in most scenarios I reckon the chances would be quite high. I don't believe in fate per se, I do believe in mindset. A negative mindset has a tendency to attract negative events, fuelled by apathy and negative emotions from others however small. I think that we are much more sensitive to the environment around us than we imagine and so things we carry in minds will affect our patterns, I think that is unstoppable, not even a compulsive liar or an actor can truly put on a complete mask of a different person-a character is an identity which is just a fragment of a persona which makes up a person. I think that this forms the basis for regret. The result is that if I feel doom and heavy guilt, which is regret. Disappointment is getting over this hurdle and accepting that what is done is done, this is better said than done. The more serious the situation, the longer it takes for every corner of my mind to realise it. At the end of it I am merely disappointed that I didn’t think differently or otherwise, there is no “perhaps this would have happened” scenario running through my mind. There is nothing to do, let it go. Lessons learned or acceptance is refocusing one’s self. How to reframe the situation, what lessons can I draw from the event? That is a difficult thing to do sometimes because I do not know where to begin in answering that. The fewer opportunities I have to change a situation, the harder it is, the more likely I am to slip back into regret, the cycle repeats itself. What I do know is that instead of saying “If I had not done event A...” it would be wiser to ask myself what the underlying causes are, I think that the reasons we do things are affected by a far greater set of events than we imagined, What are the greater underlying trends in our behaviour and where does it derive itself from? Anyway, I have arranged to see my tutors tomorrow. I am still finding jobs, but I am hoping I can land a job at the art store opposite my university. I will be renting a fold up bike to get to university next time, which should cut my travel time by 20 minutes. I will be making an effort to email ceo’s for internships (google/linkdin- wonderful search engines on them). I recently rediscovered the name of an illustrator who first got me interested in drawing (I am still doing that btw) and sent him a thank you note. I managed to cycle ride to a recreation ground I used to visit as a teenager and did a few rounds there. I have almost hit 90 and for all the goals, this has been a slog to get to with lots of ups and downs and thinking. Anyway, I have got to eat. Salut Warm water, Morning frost The time spent alone