Thanks Ben! This monday is a bit soggy, like the rest of past week. It's so hot and warm here and i'm plowing through every afternoon. Getting things on track feels good. I have had a lot of thoughts and insights this week. Writing it all down is a good way to get rid of all the unnessecary stuff. I i have progressed with my REWIRE collage. I will make a photo off it when i'm done, and i have to hurry because this week ill start more new stuff, implent a few things like an evening routine (to get my ass in bed at 10PM) and the habbit to walk, write and express myself always (because i tend to lock every thought in my mindvault). The why questions in my head are never gone tho. Sometimes i get in a dreary mood and i can't counter it very well yet. The question is always "why would i do this?" and/or "for who or what would i do it?". Sometimes i can grasp the life and sometimes i feel it pour through my fingers. oh, i remember the 1 insight that has me thinking very, very well. It's this: i'm constantly evaluating myself. That came clear as water to me last week. And it feels really vulrenable and painful to think about it. I stumbled upon this quora question: https://www.quora.com/Why-do-I-and-how-can-I-stop-myself-from-continuously-evaluating-myself-compare-myself-with-others-and-envy-others-success That's what i will be busy with this week. Enjoy your week to.
It's monday today, starting day of the week. It's hot here, so very hot. It' cooler in my room then outside hehe. I've been good this week, not hard for me to fall back into old routines (i mean it has not been hard to avoid those things) but then again i started to rewire my brain from the 12th and with that to abstain from my laptop for 3 months (except monday's). And after the 90day mark i will get 1 day more each 2 months, so over 13 months i will be good to go, being able to handle the desire and responsibility. I'm reading a lot these days, mostly Mark Manson articles and GQ videos. It is helping me in a way i couldnt imagine before. Normally i drown myself into every article that is about self develepment and any other that leans towards that. I'm picky now, thinking how i could apply it or i just forget it immediately. I think i can claim i'm past the point of only making plans. It's 50/50 now. I'm really glad about that.
That's epic advice @Hitaru. I will use that. What i want to add is that at the end of the day you find yourself remembering truly only everything that you are interested in. I read a lot, about various topics. I read about parenting, psychology (i'm crazy about that), journalism, politics etc. But i can still not say that i know a lot about those things, and i think that's mainly due to experience. You have to experience most topics to actively remember it. I do think your brain stores more then you think but it will only come up when you really need it. So maybe you don't feel like you know much, or have even any interesting thoughts about something but that is simply not true. I read about politics but i still don't know how all systems and mechanics work, all protocolls etc. Do you know what i do remember? how politicians discuss and debate. How they try to pursuade someone else. That's 1 example. You see, i'm interested in the whole topic but at the end of the day the memory will be of very specific about some certain things. Hope this makes sense to you
A friendly aquaintance came over today. I was just so surprised, he asked me how i was and i couldnt form any answer that would satisfy him. And he looked right through me and came to the conclusion i'm not so well. It made me a bit depressed so i watched porn. And then i was angry at myself, but to go down like this is beneath me. So i won't fall into the pit, i'll just stand at the edge for now. Tomorrow i make my way back to the beach.
I'm reading through the journals and i see i'm not the only one who is jojo-ing. I can observe 2 reasons for myself; i'm trying to do perfect, and i can maintain that streak for a period of time but if i don't maintain it's right into hell again (so to speak). and 2, im maybe not giving a 100%. And when i say that i can say that my intention is to go the whole way but i am not changing everything. I'm not applying everything. This last week has been very interesting because i do have made progress. I'm not in this whole "everything has to be perfect" mindset but i can say that i hit rockbottom again. How to not restart, but continue? I don't know exactly but i have a sheet of paper where i will write stuff down to make me consciously. I will hang this paper above my laptop. I'll write things on it like "REWIRE YOUR BRAIN" etc. I have thought about this. And i just finished a project that i have been procrastinating on for freaking 3 years now. And i wann add: it took me a total of like 3 or 4 hours to do it. So i'm just laughing here in myself, wth have i been doing for 3 years?! ^^. So ye. Maybe it isn't all that bad, and maybe i am not starting again from zero. Maybe i'm halfway and i actually have something to lose now. And i can't grasp that yet. Time will teach me..
non-existant. A trail lesson at the nearest mma school is coming up and i'm going to swim together with a friend once a week, we havent started that yet because the outdoors pool is not open until the end of may. EDIT: i occasionally play soccer and we have sports activities with the group every week, wednesday EDIT: Lol i'm youtubing, the next vid https://youtu.be/oyGB-qcm-fg shows up in my recommended feed and around the first mark i hear exactly what is happened to me right now.
Can't deny myself the pleasure of playing anymore. I had a 7 weeks score of detox but i never felt happy. Either gloomy or flat. En these last 2 weeks have been a blast in peaks of cheerfulness. Although it has broke my ability to function. I may have screwed my work (not paid, but more then just voluntary) and 2 people around me say they experienced me better in my detox then now. I had a long talk with my mentalh coach yesterday. I said it took so long to see result of anything, in the detox i felt so very frequently tired and had to take a nap. And.. i'm just comparing now.. but deep down i know i have to abstain again, make the right decision because i can't live like this either. but i don't know.
I'm on a breaking point. I gamed these last 2 weeks. A lot. Everything suffers. My structure, sleep routine, work. My friendship. It seems obvious to quit again cold turkey but i'm now on the verge of giving up on a future where i can keep abstaining.
Your going really well Kevin. Not returning to the forum for a while is normal. I had the same urges and didn't understand. I saw so many people post every day but it shows that you deal with this in another manner then journaling. Keep using this as a check is my tip however!
No update this week. I'm thinking about a way to be more informative. I want to add to the community but my ego is also claiming space, i'm comparing to others and that's not a good sign so i'll think on that for a week. Any suggestions how i can keep close to myself but also be (sarcasm incoming) the inspiring demon defeating example of a perfect knight. It's just stupid. I've got this vision of myself in the (near) future, i learn for that future now and i'm happy with that. But i see other people shine and i want to be them sometimes. Why is that? i'm doing pretty well myself. Any advice welcome. Greetz, Rick
I'm going into the fourth week. The last 7 days where an average of an average week. Lot's of empty time in almost every day. I realize a bit more what 'Doubling down' means, or what Cam meant with it in that particular video. Where i first used every habit and structure, every plan and idea to get out of my funk, my messed up brain related to gaming i now have to see those things as a means to build, to find out what i want. otherwise i'll just end up at square 1. I do have some exciting stuff planned like applying as a volunteer for the red cross. That means i get a basic first aid training. Something i want for a while now. I also finished respawn except the last lesson and it's like i'm reading it all for the first time and i get the reasoning behind every step and action so much better now. I'm in a hurry so i can't tell much more, but i do want to do a big update next week, so i can fall back on that in times of need. And i have done 4 weeks of abstaining then so it's time to reflect. I am convinced however i need a bit more time before i completely go back to acces to my laptop all days. I'm thinking about stretching the 1 day to 2 days and so forth. Much better to do it step by step then from 1 extreme to the other. I'll catch you over next week. Rick
Another week. Yet again no peaks in mood or behaviour. I'm feeling at my best. I'm actually a little bit confused that i don't have any frustration or irritation. I'm not angry, or sad. In every other detox (yet none like this one, abstaining completely from my laptop) i had those phases of sadness, then anger, then frustration, then resignation or i relapsed. I might do something right this time. Some lessons i learned along the way i have been here on the forum and following Cam's yt videos is to live and plan with intention. And while i reflect i can say that is truly what i do now. Something i also recognize is that i have each day a moment of insight about something. It's really fun and interesting, i had a whole conversation about it with my mental coach. Let's wrap up; i started with respawn (again like i said). I'm now halfway. I realized i have almost no social activities and i need 1 or 2 good ones for when i'm bored and then i'm all set to replace the empty hours my passivity left behind.each day i'm thinking about follow-ups to ideas and things i really wanna do. It takes time for most of those but eventually i'll get there.That's it. See ya next week. Rick