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Ironfly

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About Ironfly

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  • Birthday 12/20/1993

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Ironfly's Activity

  1. Ironfly added a post in a topic Daily Journal - Rick   

    I'm reading through the journals and i see i'm not the only one who is jojo-ing. I can observe 2 reasons for myself; i'm trying to do perfect, and i can maintain that streak for a period of time but if i don't maintain it's right into hell again (so to speak). and 2, im maybe not giving a 100%. And when i say that i can say that my intention is to go the whole way but i am not changing everything. I'm not applying everything. 
    This last week has been very interesting because i do have made progress. I'm not in this whole "everything has to be perfect" mindset but i can say that i hit rockbottom again. How to not restart, but continue? 
    I don't know exactly but i have a sheet of paper where i will write stuff down to make me consciously. I will hang this paper above my laptop. I'll write things on it like "REWIRE YOUR BRAIN" etc. I have thought about this. And i just finished a project that i have been procrastinating on for freaking 3 years now. And i wann add: it took me a total of like 3 or 4 hours to do it. So i'm just laughing here in myself, wth have i been doing for 3 years?! ^^. 
    So ye. Maybe it isn't all that bad, and maybe i am not starting again from zero. Maybe i'm halfway and i actually have something to lose now. And i can't grasp that yet.
    Time will teach me..
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  2. Ironfly added a post in a topic Daily Journal - Rick   

    non-existant. A trail lesson at the nearest mma school is coming up and i'm going to swim together with a friend once a week, we havent started that yet because the outdoors pool is not open until the end of may. 
    EDIT: i occasionally play soccer and we have sports activities with the group every week, wednesday
    EDIT: Lol i'm youtubing, the next vid https://youtu.be/oyGB-qcm-fg shows up in my recommended feed and around the first mark i hear exactly what is happened to me right now.
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  3. Ironfly added a post in a topic Daily Journal - Rick   

    Can't deny myself the pleasure of playing anymore. I had a 7 weeks score of detox but i never felt happy. Either gloomy or flat. En these last 2 weeks have been a blast in peaks of cheerfulness. Although it has broke my ability to function. I may have screwed my work (not paid, but more then just voluntary) and 2 people around me say they experienced me better in my detox then now. I had a long talk with my mentalh coach yesterday. I said it took so long to see result of anything, in the detox i felt so very frequently tired and had to take a nap. And.. i'm just comparing now.. but deep down i know i have to abstain again, make the right decision because i can't live like this either. but i don't know.
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  4. Ironfly added a post in a topic Daily Journal - Rick   

    I'm on a breaking point. I gamed these last 2 weeks. A lot. Everything suffers. My structure, sleep routine, work. My friendship. It seems obvious to quit again cold turkey but i'm now on the verge of giving up on a future where i can keep abstaining.
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  5. Ironfly added a post in a topic Mhyrions journey   

    Mhyrion you have an excellent way of posting. Keep going, write everything down and use it to jumpstart your next activity. Did you go to church this easter weekend? 
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  6. Ironfly added a post in a topic KevinV1990's Journal   

    Your going really well Kevin. Not returning to the forum for a while is normal. I had the same urges and didn't understand. I saw so many people post every day but it shows that you deal with this in another manner then journaling. Keep using this as a check is my tip however! 
     
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  7. Ironfly added a post in a topic The Purge   

    I intend to follow you. Your journal is very, very interesting to me and i definitely can learn from you. Keep up the journaling!
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  8. Ironfly added a post in a topic Daily Journal - Rick   

    No update this week. I'm thinking about a way to be more informative. I want to add to the community but my ego is also claiming space, i'm comparing to others and that's not a good sign so i'll think on that for a week. Any suggestions how i can keep close to myself but also be (sarcasm incoming) the inspiring demon defeating example of a perfect knight. 
    It's just stupid. I've got this vision of myself in the (near) future, i learn for that future now and i'm happy with that. But i see other people shine and i want to be them sometimes. Why is that? i'm doing pretty well myself. Any advice welcome.
    Greetz,
    Rick
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  9. Ironfly added a post in a topic Daily Journal - Rick   

    I'm going into the fourth week. The last 7 days where an average of an average week. Lot's of empty time in almost every day. I realize a bit more what 'Doubling down' means, or what Cam meant with it in that particular video. Where i first used every habit and structure, every plan and idea to get out of my funk, my messed up brain related to gaming i now have to see those things as a means to build, to find out what i want. otherwise i'll just end up at square 1. I do have some exciting stuff planned like applying as a volunteer for the red cross. That means i get a basic first aid training. Something i want for a while now. 
    I also finished respawn except the last lesson and it's like i'm reading it all for the first time and i get the reasoning behind every step and action so much better now. I'm in a hurry so i can't tell much more, but i do want to do a big update next week, so i can fall back on that in times of need. And i have done 4 weeks of abstaining then so it's time to reflect. I am convinced however i need a bit more time before i completely go back to acces to my laptop all days. I'm thinking about stretching the 1 day to 2 days and so forth. Much better to do it step by step then from 1 extreme to the other.
    I'll catch you over next week.
    Rick
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  10. Ironfly added a post in a topic KevinV1990's Journal   

    Sometimes the good old solution of napping is all that's needed to charge yourself mentally again in the afternoon  (not after 15:00, 20 minutes tops)
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  11. Ironfly added a post in a topic Daily Journal - Rick   

    Another week. Yet again no peaks in mood or behaviour. I'm feeling at my best. I'm actually a little bit confused that i don't have any frustration or irritation. I'm not angry, or sad. In every other detox (yet none like this one, abstaining completely from my laptop) i had those phases of sadness, then anger, then frustration, then resignation or i relapsed. I might do something right this time. 
    Some lessons i learned along the way i have been here on the forum and following Cam's yt videos is to live and plan with intention. And while i reflect i can say that is truly what i do now. 
    Something i also recognize is that i have each day a moment of insight about something. It's really fun and interesting, i had a whole conversation about it with my mental coach. 
    Let's wrap up;
    i started with respawn (again like i said). I'm now halfway. I realized i have almost no social activities and i need 1 or 2 good ones for when i'm bored and then i'm all set to replace the empty hours my passivity left behind.each day i'm thinking about follow-ups to ideas and things i really wanna do. It takes time for most of those but eventually i'll get there.That's it. See ya next week.
    Rick
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  12. Ironfly added a post in a topic Daily Journal - Rick   

    A week has gone by. The results are extreme. In that they are not. I don't feel very different but the outcome of my actions is drastically improved.
    I used to sink away in passive behavior when i felt tired, and i end up gaming or watching youtube. Now i work on my puzzle, i'll walk or i read.I wasnt happy at the end of the day because i always felt and sometimes still do that i could have done more. I'm slowly leaving that mindset behind.I can actually follow up my ideas and word/promises. It's great to know that people trust you and i can improve this even more by becoming a beast with time. I really do this for myself because it takes so much mind space otherwise, always running after each appointment and assignment. These last 2 days i also felt empty. I realized i havent going on much that i really care about. I want to meet more people because friday and saturday evenings are just plain lonely. On that i'm taking action.
    Upcoming week i'll probably will feel worse. But that's okay. 
     
    Rick
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  13. Ironfly added a post in a topic Daily Journal - Rick   

    Big update.
    I'm back to journaling once a week to maintain what i have going now. I cleared up a lot of chaos lately. I organised my week, my every day. I have written down all my ideas, projects and courses i want to take in 1 easy list.
    The thing that brought me back here is this: throughout this winter i had several resets, relapses, depressions and difficulty with managing my time. Basically: how i want to live my life, and have my focus and time at the right area's. There is still something left in me that makes me hunger for a game. 
    So i decided that although i don't mind struggling, what i experienced this winter is just not what i want and how i want it the rest of my life. An idea was send to me from somewhere and it became clear to me i need to have some time off of my laptop. I remembered how well i did after a detox years ago. i hadnt gamed for 8 weeks and i was just so clear in my mind when i came home. Of course i hadn't changed my environment back then so i got off track. But now i have done so much more and i really evolved if i compare then to now. I sat down my basically my 1 only very good friend and i asked him only 1 thing: can i store my laptop with you for 4 weeks? he of course said yes, he was quite surprised and happy that i asked him for help.
    We came up with a plan, that i would have my laptop for 1 day. For all the important stuff that i can pile up through the week. I am so thrilled because this is entirely my decision and i believe so strongly that it's going to work out well. Mostly because i have such big ambitions for myself, and now i can really focus on them. Spend all my time and energy on it while still having balance with relaxing etc. 
    I have planned out the 4 weeks how i probably will be going to feel, and that will strengthen me, because i am in control.
    What will be different after 4 weeks? I will have completed respawn one more time. And now really serious. The first time i did it i did not took everything seriously. Maybe 50%. Also i will have spend time at for example writing. I will be exercising. I will have planned how often i'm going to take initiative to meet family, friends. My sleep will rock. I cook every 2 days 1 meal for 2 days (already do, will only be better). 
    And the more serious mentally effects i expect (because i once had them before after another detox) is that i can speak my mind. Not holding back, be sensitive. Communicate in an awesome manner.
    So yeah.. that's my agenda
    Every monday you'll see my journal update.
     
    Greetz,
    Rick
    PS: Rock on
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  14. Ironfly added a post in a topic Mhyrions journey   

    Hi Myhyrion.
    I read your journal and your latest post.
    I have 2 pieces of advice for you. 1# pick 1 person and promise to call him/her when you feel really, really bad. Depressed or hurting yourself. Trust him or her with handling how shitty you feel.
    and 2# The goal can never be stable on its own. Take 3 things, or less, or more that you want to do right. Maybe journal here should be 1 of them. Doing these things right is being stable. It never is about feeling great, or awesome, or feeling stabilized the whole day. 
     
    Greetz,
    Rick
    PS: your mood swings. The extremity of it, the conscious decisions to go deeper in the the dark. It will shatter. Probably not today, but maybe tomorrow. Maybe you see what good you did yesterday, and you know you can do it again.  
     
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  15. Ironfly added a post in a topic Daily Journal - Rick   

    I've been thinking (not to much) lately and come up with some explanations with my use of the forum. It has been more of a on/off relation then 1 steady road and i find myself feeling guilty why i'm not able to maintain it consistently. It's actually a good thing tho. I am not a pc guy, a typical nerd if you like.
    I have a problem with gaming, and that draws me to my laptop but that's pretty much it. I love movies to but besides that i can't see it more then just a tool. To summarize; i see people journal daily, add and talk very often about their process etc. I can't do that because i do most of this in my head. I get my satisfaction from people around me, playing boardgames, having a good structured day etc. Not that special but my laptop is not in it except the movies, where my laptop is a tool to see them. 
    Last week i had a pretty down moment and i felt self pity, but also a refreshing perspective about myself; I am a perfect example of an average man who is struggling with the same problems every year. That thought hold me for a while. It was never my intention to be where i am now. That's neither good or bad, it just is. How do i tackle this? I don't trust myself anymore with goals. Today i try something new tho. I should be trying something new everyday, but i don't. Today is different. 
    One of the lasts video's of Cam about the 'second thought' is still lingering in my mind, i write it down on my whiteboard. It should change my life.
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