Intermitent Display Of Emotions

[LostRiver 137]

Hi,

I believe a lot of gamequitters struggle with self-love and self-respect too

Since I got addicted, my addiction has taught me to hate myself. It took years for me see that I was sick and in need of help instead of a beat down. Sure, you are asolutely right: our condition is no excuse and we should be willing to do anything to be healthy rather than playing victim

Seeking professional help and coming to group therapy are good moves and I am sure everyone here roots for you to be healthy, mind and body.

Looking forward to read from you

[Pochatok 563]

On 7/13/2022 at 8:38 PM, pdallair91 said:

Day *** — Shame & Accountability

Someone got mad at me in group therapy today.  They didn't go on a rampage or anything like that.  It wasn't even in person.  However, when they said "I think your full of shit!" it was a bit shaking.  Some of the first thoughts in my mind was "Where is this coming from?  What did I do wrong?"

I'm seeing a social worker to try and help with this gaming addiction.  She helped me realise today that I was spending more time trying to understand the person that got angry than I did so for myself (the victim).  That's not to say I didn't do anything that motivated the outburst directed at me, more like the "punishment" didn't fit the "crime" if I did.  Like, if I did cross a boundary, said boundary wasn't pre-established and it wasn't impossible to discuss it calmly.  Anyways, yeah, I think this cognitive reaction (the thoughts I was having) stem from my childhood.  When my dad yelled at me, I didn't have the mindfulness to realize I deserved better.  When my best friend made an apparent suicide attempt, I didn't have the mindfulness to realize the same.  When I was ostracized by my peers for looking different (I had odd dark patches of skin because of chemotherapy)... 

Wow.  It feels good to say that.  "I deserved better"... just wow... I think I need to hear that more often.  I'll need to be careful not to overdo it, take things for granted but yeah... sometimes, I probably deserve less blame/shame in general.

Darn, every message from you is a waterfall of inspiration! Thanks for sharing this ❤️

[pdallair91 77]

Day -1 — I'm Not Lazy

As the ambiguous nature of "Day -1" and "Day ???" imply, I haven't been "sober" for the past couple of months.  Even with my PC broken, I've spent many hours playing games on my phone.  Consequently, I've been neglecting to do acts of self-care... but how accountable for this am I really?  It's not like I haven't done anything, maybe I'm just not giving myself credit where it's due, and chastising myself where it's unsuitable.

I started reading this book called Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price.  If I understand correctly, the author argues that a significant part of western culture, conditions many of us to priorities productivity over wellbeing (i.e. hustle culture); to the point where many of us harshly shame and excessively scrutinize ourselves and each other for having biological limits.  At the core of every behavorial/cultural pattern, I think it's fair to assume, there is a set of values/beliefs that enable and sustain it.  In this case, the author the following set dubbed "The Laziness Lie":

* Your worth is your productivity.

* You cannot trust your own feelings and limits.

* There is always more you could be doing.

I'm still early in the book but it was explicitely stated that "wasting time" is a basic human need, that we ought to be more compassionate; acknowledging our own and other people's limits.

With that in mind, my relapse over the past couple of months... I can't pin it on one cause but for now at least, I'm not able to be as "productive" as our system enforces.  When I take the time to listen to my body and mental queues, throughout the day I'm anxious and frustrated, and by the end of it I'm tired and lonely.  The pressure to keep up this 40h/week on top of putting in the work to overcome my physical and mental health issues... no wonder I'm having so many urges to "escape".

All that said, that's a bit of pressure of my shoulders.  I'm still valuable, despite my limitations.  What I did do wasn't easy for me and shouldn't be taken for granted.  I did my best and that's enough for me.  I don't need to hide, I don't need to "escape".  What I really need is more time to effectively rest and self-care, and that's ok.  It's noon here and I'm going back to bed now.  Peace!

[Amphibian220 574]

The problem is at the present point in time, there appears to be no opportunity to have a balanced life. Its just too much work.

That’s why activities that free the mind are so important. Take boxing for example, I forget everything else in the world when I am in front of a punching bag and the bell rings. 

In fact remembering my personal successes in sport gives me motivation in fulfilling all of my other duties.

 

[pdallair91 77]

3 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

[...] remembering my personal successes in sport gives me motivation in fulfilling all of my other duties.

That, IMO, highlights one the difference between a healty dose of "escapism" and the not so healthy kind.  Without that last statement, it's hard to determine whether your approach to boxing is wiser than my approach to gaming was.  When you're boxing, as you describe, it does more to you than just help you "forget everything else", it also helps you boost your sense of self-worth (i.e., self-esteem).

I wasn't kidding about going back to bed at noon in my last post; I was tired.  However, it wasn't just the comfort of my bed that was soothing, it was the thought that what I was doing was "right", that I deserved a break, that my wellbeing, and by extention my very being, are valuable to me even if they aren't being comodified.  I believe this element of intrinsic "escape" is far more beneficial than the extrinsic ones.  It's the thoughts and feelings (consious or not) that come to mind during and after our actions that really make the difference.

Trying to cultivate these positive thoughts and feelings (intrinsic rewards) would be a wise thing for me to do.  I'm going to do an act of self-care now along this line.  So  thank you for replying.  This isn't always a given but the line of thought it ended up assissting me down, could be beneficial in the long run.

Keep doing what you're doing comerade.  Peace out.

[Amphibian220 574]

"many of us harshly shame and excessively scrutinize ourselves and each other for having biological limits.  At the core of every behavorial/cultural pattern, I think it's fair to assume, there is a set of values/beliefs that enable and sustain it".

What I witnessed about this during my professional career, is that "values and expectations" can exert pressure that actually begins to compromise people's principles.

Gaming can be an escape from an underlying problem but it also makes you think that avoiding issues is the new normality. I think that gamers have poorly established boundaries because gaming disconnects them from awareness about their needs. As you are phasing out gaming you are becoming more aware of the problems that require solving. This may appear daunting at first, but start moving at your pace and find trustworthy people. What I remember is that the consistent piece meal approach is the only way to master something.

For me, I started becoming aware that sometimes people may act rudely or take advantage of me. When gaming was my number one activity, as strange as it may sound I missed these cues. At first I would experience rage from noticing such things, but then I realised that actually, with more introspection and following good examples, you can establish confidence, self-esteem and an ability to set boundaries and stop people where necessary in a healthy way.

This may be a very long post.

Edited August 27, 2022 by Amphibian220

[pdallair91 77]

I just learned that I have cancer.  It's an oral cancer.  I have a small tumor in my lower lip.  It's rather painful.  They're going to surgically remove it in the coming weeks.  Hopefully it all goes well. 

This isn't the first time I have cancer.  Last time was worst.  Still, it's a freakin' another bitch slap to the face I would've rather avoided.  It's hard to be satisfied with life when you're in pain. 

Anyways... I'm not giving up.  There's still hope.  Wish me luck comerades.

Peace out.

[Pochatok 563]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with so much pain right now, I cannot imagine how it feels but I understand how it makes your life much more difficult.  I hope that surgery will bring desired results quickly. 

Thinking of you!

Po