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Intermitent Display Of Emotions


pdallair91
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On 11/24/2021 at 8:18 PM, Pochatok said:

[...] partially it was simply due to the fact that my brain was so used to games.

I am glad you confirm the belief that I am alluding to in my previous post.  That I am bound to find some satisfaction elsewhere in the future, as long as I keep trying.

On 11/24/2021 at 8:18 PM, Pochatok said:

I have trouble getting into things I'm usually passionate about

Have you contemplated why its hard to "get into" these other interests?  Why these new behaviors/routines aren't as easily becoming habitual?

I can't answer this question for you.  However, in my case, I believe I tend to be burdened with the fear of failure, self-inflicted shame, and a dependence on external validation.  What has lead me here today is, to say it bluntly, being a "sore loser".  I just played and lost a game of chess online with a stranger (a old hobby I'm trying to get back into).  It hurts, which dissuades me from playing again.  I have similar experiences with electric guitar (another old hobby I'm trying to get back into).  I try to play a riff or chord progression, but I struggle a lot.  It hurts, which dissuades me from playing again.  Why does it hurt?  Well, in both cases, I'm going down the shame spiral with thoughts like "I should've been able to do better", "I can't do it", "what's the point".  You get the picture.  At some point I've dissuaded myself from doing anything that isn't instantly gratifying and I relapse.

I really covet (to the point of envy sometimes) the "blessing" that some people seem to have cultivated: am intuitive positive but humble outlook on things, including themselves;  a subconscious that doesn't pass hard judgements, with little to no fear of failure; someone that tends to accept the possibility or occurrence of failure, learns from their mistakes, and finds a sense of reward from within.  Although there certainly is an unrealistic degree to which one can idolize this but I don't think it's too late or impossible to cultivate this myself now. This, in theory, would effectively counteract what is getting in the way of self-actualization ("really getting into" something, achieving ones "potential").  I guess I'm on the right track for at least believing its possible.

So here I go... I'm going to start by saying:

  1. I am glad I persevered through the fear of failure and played a game of chess against a stranger today.
  2. I am glad I had the mindfulness to stop, listen and question the thoughts that came to mind.
  3. I am glad that I have all these journal entries and replies to look back on and managed to find some inspiration.
  4. I am glad I haven't given up, that I am, always have and always will be doing my best (at that moment in time).

Thank you @Pochatok, I really appreciate your appreciation for mine and other people's posts.  Judging from the statistics, you clearly a very active member of this community, I hope this behavior helps you as much it helps others.  Take care comrade.

REBOOT!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 19 — Optimistic Loneliness

I like to say I'm a ~70% extroverted individual.  I like to express my feelings and I tend to express myself more than I listen 😅.  My ideal social life would be to hang out, in person, with a friend (not always the same person) 2 times a week.  Spending the entire week alone is a bit painful.  That said, I haven't interacted with any friends (in person) since last Saturday.  None of my friends are available to hang out this weekend.  So, yeah... it's turning out to be one of those weeks.

I don't have that many "regular" friends.  I have a lot of acquaintances — i.e., "hang out on special occasions (public/group events)" kind of friends — but not very many "hang out regularly (including private/1 on 1 events)" kind of friends.  You know, that "dude" VS "bro" kind of distinction.  I can only think of 2 friends of the latter kind these days and well, as I should expect, they don't always have the time or desire to spend it with me.  Expecting this in only fair, after all, sometimes I'm the one that needs a break or has other plans.  It's my responsibility to take care of myself or find alternatives when my "bros" are unavailable but this can be easier said than done.  Suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, I have trust issues.  I tend to bounce between 1) anxiety — being clingy/demanding as a result — and 2) depression — being avoidant/dismissive as a result.  It currently takes a deliberate effort to not go too far down these lines of thought, to not let these feelings "get to me".

One of my friends has plans with his girlfriend's family and he, as many do, values family above all else.  Sometimes I get very jealous.  Like, he canceled some plans at the last minute just so he could go to the groceries with his perfectly able girlfriend.  Anyways, this time he has a larger family event which I can more easily make a commitment to respect.  My other friend however, "just doesn't feel like it"... that is not so easy for me to cope with...

First of all, it's vague and I'm biased to assume the worst about peoples intentions — i.e., I tend to take it personally.  Thoughts like "what did I do wrong?  what could I do to make him want to come back?" do come to mind.  However, I acknowledge that these are assumptions that aren't grounded in facts.  The allegations and judgements are coming from me, not from him.  As difficult as it is for me to "deeply" believe the more optimistic (and realistic) narrative, I can at least acknowledge it on a surface level:  It is more likely not to have anything to do with me, more likely that this situation will pass, and more likely that we will see each other again in the future.  For all I know, he may simply not be well rested.  The only problem that I have left now is that of "greed" with thoughts like "why does it have to be like this?  shouldn't you want to spend time with me if I didn't do anything wrong?"  Again, there's an assumption here that isn't grounded in facts; It's wrong for me to assume how someone else can or dictate how they should feel.  Even if "not feeling it" had more to do with emotions, it is not up to me to decide how he would cope with them.  In fact, I have done all I could already by letting him know he could talk to me if he wants to.  The reality I am facing isn't what I want it to be but giving into this "greed" and try to force reality to match my desires will likely fail and lead to more pain.

All that said, I still feel lonely but at least I have the mindfulness to accept it, giving it some attention but not letting it take control of my entire day.  I'm glad that I have the mindfulness to describe my thoughts and feelings.  I am glad I have some knowledge as to where these thoughts and feelings come from and where they could lead.  I am glad that through month after month of therapy and self-help, I have am putting to use the knowledge I've acquired to cope with these feelings, guiding myself in a more favorable direction.  In a way, I am glad to experience this loneliness knowing that, at times, other people surely feel the same way.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm not alone.  This loneliness is only a small part of my present experience and it too shall pass.  I hope this strikes a bell if any of you folks.  Either way, take care folks. ❤️

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  • 3 weeks later...

Day 39 – Good enough

I haven't been here in a while mostly because I've been successfully keeping myself busy, or at least not cracking whenever I feel bored or distressed.  I'm really glad I can confidently says this. 😌  I was afraid I might relapse during the holidays but so far I've been taking care of myself and the very few contacts I've had support my decision to abstain.  I have a friend who wants to play less and is struggling to do so as well.  I think we're both glad to see that we're not alone.

Anw, I'd like to return to what I was doing.  I hope you all have a happy new years eve.  Good luck throughout 2022.

Peace out.

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On 12/31/2021 at 12:40 PM, pdallair91 said:

Day 39 – Good enough

I haven't been here in a while mostly because I've been successfully keeping myself busy, or at least not cracking whenever I feel bored or distressed.  I'm really glad I can confidently says this. 😌  I was afraid I might relapse during the holidays but so far I've been taking care of myself and the very few contacts I've had support my decision to abstain.  I have a friend who wants to play less and is struggling to do so as well.  I think we're both glad to see that we're not alone.

Anw, I'd like to return to what I was doing.  I hope you all have a happy new years eve.  Good luck throughout 2022.

Peace out.

Ohhh, this is so awesome to hear, glad you were able to stay so consistent throughout holidays. I feel like having someone else to support you through a difficult journey, or perhaps simply go along with you is always so helpful 🙂

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Hi/Salut Patrick,

I've read most of your journal and it's really inspiring. I see a lot of myself in you and struggle with comparable challenges. Thank you for taking the time to do this, for you and for us. You've helped me realize some of the "cognitivo-emotional" patterns I have. You seem like a very intelligent person. Keep going and I'm sure you'll find a way to live a very meaningful and happy life.

 By the way, this is my first post ever on this forum. 



 

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Posted (edited)
On 1/4/2022 at 11:42 PM, Nico Indigo said:

I've read most of your journal and it's really inspiring. I see a lot of myself in you and struggle with comparable challenges. Thank you for taking the time to do this, for you and for us. You've helped me realize some of the "cognitivo-emotional" patterns I have. You seem like a very intelligent person. Keep going and I'm sure you'll find a way to live a very meaningful and happy life.


 

Aaaah Jee Whiz, thanks a lot for this positive feedback. ☺️  I am, in fact, primarily doing this for myself but I do, in the back of my mind, hope that I can help other people.  It means a lot to know that I'm accomplishing this secondary goal.  As Pepe the frog would say: Feels good man.

Merci beaucoup :12_slight_smile:

Edited by pdallair91
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Day 48 – Just Another instance of Loneliness

I've been visiting my mom and step-dad in my childhood home for the past month or so.  This place is just over 1000 kilometers (~621 miles) away from my actual residence.  Naturally, I want to spend as much time as I can with friends I can only see on these rare occasions.  Unfortunately, this small town isn't immune to the covid-19 omicron variant and on top of that there seems to be a post-holiday flu spreading.  Unsurprisingly, people are hesitant if not outright prohibited by pandemic regulations from gathering.  This is especially true in my case because I have contracted the post-holiday flu; I have been mildly sick for the past 5 days or so.  Although a rapid test at home did reassure me and my hosts (mom and step-dad) that I wasn't experiencing covid-19, understandably, I wasn't allowed if not unable to go out.  My health is getting better and I was hoping to spend time with my friends one last time before leaving on Wednesday.  Unfortunately, all of them are now dealing with the post-holiday flu... So, yeah... sadly, I won't be getting the "closure" I was hoping for...

I've mentioned this before, in my December 11th post, that I like to hang out with different friends ~2 times a week, that spending a week "alone" is rather unpleasant.  Having to spend this week outside of my own home, without access to all my usual resources makes this a bit harder as well.  So, I am experiencing a similar kind of frustration I was experiencing then.  Part of me wants to get mad, to blame everything on someone else if not myself but it's obviously pointless, if not harmful.  As I've said in that post as well: "The reality I am facing isn't what I want it to be but giving into this "greed" and try to force reality to match my desires will likely fail and lead to more pain."  But if I take the time to think about my situation, there are some comforting thoughts/beliefs that come to mind, such as:

  • We will likely see each other again at some point in the future.
  • My friends value me, understand me, and also wish they could spend more time with me.
  • We are doing the "right" thing; this is for our own and the greater good.
  • I'll be alright.

Anyways, to quote myself even further, I think I'll end of the same conclusion as I did in that post as well:

Quote

All that said, I still feel lonely but at least I have the mindfulness to accept it, giving it some attention but not letting it take control of my entire day.  I'm glad that I have the mindfulness to describe my thoughts and feelings.  I am glad I have some knowledge as to where these thoughts and feelings come from and where they could lead.  I am glad that through month after month of therapy and self-help, I have am putting to use the knowledge I've acquired to cope with these feelings, guiding myself in a more favorable direction.  In a way, I am glad to experience this loneliness knowing that, at times, other people surely feel the same way.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm not alone.  This loneliness is only a small part of my present experience and it too shall pass.  I hope this strikes a bell if any of you folks.  Either way, take care folks. ❤️

 

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