pdallair91

I'm trying too hard to sound smart. I'm gonna put it simply. On top of gaming, I'm struggling with junk food these days, and almost always have. I'm going through the minor withdrawal of not having had chips and soda in over 24 hours as we speak. xD This wasn't as big of a deal when I was younger but now, in my 30s, it's more than caught up to me. You'd think that being diagnosed with diabetes (type 2), suffering from sleep apnea, and having 1 or 2 cavities fixed every year would be a "wake-up call" but... meh... not really. At least, not subconsciously. Every day I'm tired and dehydrated and yet I still crave that salt+carbs chemical reaction in my mouth so bad I will go out, rain or snow, past midnight to satisfy this craving. But I have to stop if I'm going to have a chance at taking on any other challenges. I know succumbing to these cravings again and again only makes things worse, now more obviously than ever - I mean, with diabetes, high carbs make me so tired now I find myself choosing to go to bed in the middle of the day. So this is it. The big push! LET'S GO!!! \m/ 😆 That said, a little bit of reassurance doesn't hurt. 1) as the pleasure of indulging was fleeting, so will the discomfort of abstaining. It may come back from time to time but it never stays, even though it feels like it might. 2) less isn't so bad. Right now I'm accustomed to huge spikes of pleasure so everything else is kind of underwhelming. However, I will get used to and appreciate the new rhythm in the long term. I don't have to feel "good" all the time, there is a "neutral" and it is not the same as "bad". Middle path yadeeh yadah. Peace out folks. I got to keep busy, weather the storm so to speak. Peace out folks. May you find comfort on your path.

My dad is an alcoholic, 40+ years sobber, big into AA, and he always held the following prayer dear to his heart: While I haven't pleaded with the divine to grant me the same (serenity, courage, and wisdom), it is not like I haven't wished for it at all. When my observations are sound, if I truly find myself acting on anger at the things I can deduce are largely outside of my control, it may simply be because I perceive it as easier than the alternative, which would require change. Change is hard my friend, especially the kind whose beneficial outcomes aren't immediate and familiar to us, it takes courage/trust. You're realization that you "have to switch to a more challenging role" - i.e., taking responsibility - makes it sound like you're on that path. Let me know if you find that courage/trust, I know I could use some myself.

It's been several months since you made this post but I'm glad you did. I'm not an expert at all but I always thought that addiction was a behavioral component that often comes with various mental health issues; i.e., I believe addiction is symptomatic of something deeper, left untreated. Some recovering/recovered alcoholics in my family seem to think drinking was their only problem but everyone else around them begs to differ. My dad, for example, like many of his generation, is the victim of violent abuse by authority figures growing up in the 1950s and 60s. Even though he did stop drinking 40+ years ago, he never stopped having outbursts of anger, an obsession for control driven by the fear of severe consequences, for the simplest mistakes. Classic PTSD in my unqualified opinion. I wish he got some help in that regard (e.g., anger management and/or family therapy) something on top of or parallel to the help he got for his drinking. I am glad to hear you found your "underlying issue" and I hope the treatment you are getting is serving you well. It's not easy, you may not be "cured" but after several months or years, you can tell that in some ways you are a different person on more than just a behavioral level. I struggle with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which is often comorbid with or misdiagnosed as ADHD and/or ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Obsessively gaming (amongst other things) is just the surface, my temporary "escape", from my intense emotions; I can't effectively quit gaming without learning how to deal with (i.e., live with) my emotions. I am slowly but surely learning how to do this. I am glad I found your post and committed to responding, despite how "old" it is (in internet years 😛). I was going through intense cravings, but I knew gaming - solo, for hours on end - couldn't satisfy me; I knew that going down that path again would just delay my suffering/dissatisfaction. I took some deep breaths, caressed myself a little (self-compassion), came here, and found your post instead. Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this discovery. I don't remember what words exactly but the general lesson I got recently from the influential Zen Buddhist monk Thích Nhất Hạnh: May we bless the moments of mindfulness with a smile. There is no shame, only wonder, in our ability to further our understanding, to practice compassion, for ourselves and each other. Peace out.

Thank you @Pochatok, for your compassion. To reassure you, I talked with a friend that afternoon and I had an appointment with my psychologist the next morning. While I did mildly succumb to urges, it didn't spin out of control. My situation has neither improved nor worsened. It feels "neutral", so to speak. I can also feel this bias to lump this "neutral" feeling with the "unpleasant" kind; i.e., "neutral" feelings, I am inclined to avoid almost as much as the "unpleasant" kind. Hypothetically, I should be left with nothing but the "pleasant" kind. The thing about this hypothesis though, is that it is predicated on something unrealistic. The feeling I am experiencing (the "neutral" kind) cannot be avoided, it is a part of my experience in the present moment. It's "normal", per se. I'm able to see it and I know it would be wiser to embrace it somehow but I'm not sure I have yet to cultivate the skills to do so. At least, it feels awkward, like a "man" reluctant to show affection. I suppose my attempt, whether it's successful or not, at least waters the seed so that I may perhaps cultivate something of it in the future. I feel "neutral" and that's ok. In hindsight, it's better than how I felt while I was making that last post. Though I have yet to find means that also happen to "put food on the table", so to speak, there are places and people that can make me feel welcome if I allow myself to see it as such. Is this what you meant @Amphibian220 by "feel[ing] content"?

I am suffering (emotionally) at the moment. At first, I was angry. I felt like I was "lied to" and "wasted my time". Then I was sad. I'm still sad. I feel so "worthless" and "inadequate" to the world around me. Don't we all want to be "used" in some way? Like, we all want to be useful in a dignified manner, wouldn't you agree? I was hoping to find some satisfaction in this regard today and I found none at all. I feel used cheaply and pathetically instead. It's difficult to imagine finding 1 or more sustainable sources for this satisfaction; times and places where I "belong" are few and far between and rarely put food on the table, so to speak. It's difficult but I have to trust in the possibility. Otherwise, I don't see the point in subjecting myself to further "usage". Did you know? In software development, when a piece of software is "retired" or "shelved" (no more support, no more updates) it is colloquially referred to as having "reached its EOL" (End Of Life). I wonder how close I am to my EOL because it sure feels like "support" is lacking these days. Good luck folks. I'm gonna go look at some cute puppers online now.

Prisoner of Unreasonable Doubt For the past several months I haven't experienced much (if any) growth in my career and health. The outcomes from my efforts, the little of which I have brought forth, haven't made much of a difference. However, I am seeing some changes to the "spiritual" aspect of my life. Since my last post, on Aug 26th, I have been attending online meetings with a sangha (a Buddhist group/community) on a weekly basis (except for Labor Day, naturally). During these meetings, a teacher leads the conversation. They start by welcoming newcomers and invite them to speak a little about themselves and their practice. Then, the teacher gives us a prompt/topic/question and sends us out in random groups of ~3 to discuss. Upon our return, we are invited to share anything that stood out for us during these conversations with the whole sangha. Finally, we ease into a long meditation for the time we have left (typically 30-45 minutes) before a friendly goodbye. The topic the sangha had been discussing when I joined and still up to this day is that of the 5 hindrances. These are the types of cognitive experiences that may become obstacles to our mindfulness - during meditation and our daily lives - as per the Buddha's teachings. Pleasure (Sensory) Frustration ("Ill-Will") Fatigue Restlessness Doubt It is normal to experience these kinds of thoughts. The goal, for me at least, isn't to completely eradicate these. Rather, my goal is to notice them and gently try to prevent them from completely controlling the rest of my thoughts and attention. I'm glad that I joined the sangha in time to take part in and listen to discussions on the hindrance of doubt. The kind of doubt we are talking about here is mostly self-doubt; i.e., doubt in one's own abilities. Mind you, it also seems to me that some doubt can help put the hindrances in check, keeping us grounded in reality. However, doubt becomes a problem/obstacle when it prevents us from making a reasonable effort. When I ask myself "Am I doing this right? Can I even succeed? Why am I even doing this?", with limited time and resources to investigate, I am often causing myself harm. Someone in the sangha said something akin to the following: That thought was insightful for me. There will always be gaps in my understanding, the foundation of my confidence in every action I take. Growing up, I was pressured to fill that gap with "God" but I ultimately rejected this approach. As difficult as it is, I think I am getting more and more comfortable with admitting "I don't know" when it comes to the bigger and rarer questions. I believe it's about time I let myself say the same for smaller, more day-to-day details. I think that the difference between experiencing mindfulness and practicing mindfulness, is that the former will simply notice the hindrance of doubt and hope that it goes away, while the latter will notice doubt and balance the excess out with trust. With continued practice, I hope to identify more with the latter. May I trust in myself and my efforts so that this may lead to progress in my career and health. peace out folks.

I achieved a few things on the day I made my last post. Nothing groundbreaking from any other person's point of view but I was satisfied. I had done some chores, signed up for activities, made that post, and attended my first online Sangha session, trying my best to make my life (with all its discomforts) feel "worth living". Of course, the day couldn't end on a positive note. No, one of my teeth had to break later that evening. To be fair, it could've been worse. In a sense, I was lucky. First, the tooth that broke is a back one I had a lot of work done on - including a root canal. Hence, I wasn't in any pain (yet). Second, I managed to get an appointment within the ~11 days of insurance coverage I had left. The problem is too complicated to adequately fix in a single appointment, but I did at least get a temporary fix, a "band-aid" so to speak. The full prognosis is that I will probably need to see a specialist and get surgery to save that tooth - something I can't afford on my own - and I don't know how long that "band-aid" is going to last. Anyway, these are problems for another day. Today, I'm just trying to come back down from the traumatic experience that going to the dentist tends to be (inevitably). The drills, needles, picks... the blood... the physical and psychological tension of having your mouth pried open. My hands always end up clasping the chair handles and my feet shake. It's been >30 minutes and my hands are still shaking. It's at moments like this that I wish my parents were closer (geographically) cause I could really use a hug right about now. Anyways, I have my second online Sangha session tonight and I'm making this post now. Just recognizing my discomfort is an important step that is being taken. It won't last forever. Hopefully, I will sleep well tonight. If not, then tomorrow. Thank you @Pochatok for your like and reply. Your compassion is much appreciated. Peace out folks.

Anxiety In my post, more than 2 months ago I opened with the following: The same can be said now. I'm still unemployed, mostly since I haven't tried to find employment in the first place - I say "mostly" because I don't know what my odds of succeeding would've been, had I put in some effort. I had weekly social things going on in July, which were good for my morale but these events have not been available to me yet in August. I'm lonely. I'm coping by distracting myself mostly... A more effective treatment for loneliness is genuine human connection, which takes time to cultivate. Staying home alone isn't helping. My therapist has thrown many reasonable suggestions at me. Ideas that could turn into fulfilling hobbies/activities. Yet, I haven't picked up a single one. Why? ... I'm trying to remember how I react when these suggestions/ideas are handed to me... I remember feeling "afraid", too afraid to try, too afraid to even contemplate the suggestion/idea further. I've heard things along the lines of "anxiety and depression are two sides of the same coin", that you can't have one without some of the other, etc. I failed to see that in my case - only ascribing depression - until recently. It's anxiety that prevents me from escaping the cycle(s) that lead to depression. The more anxious we are, the more inclined we will to resort to the instinctive fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. In my case, that would be "freeze", I think, because I'm afraid of failing in the eyes of others, I'm afraid of not living up to expectations/goals and ultimately, I'm afraid of being abandoned/rejected. I don't think there's any way of dispelling this anxiety, at least, not completely. It would be more effective to be mindful of it and treat it with kindness and respect. This anxiety is a part of who I am at the moment, and cannot be excised. I will consider meditating on this for the rest of the week and see how it goes.

I don’t want to [...] just sleep all day. [...] after playing the piano for an hour I get tired and want to move on to other activities Friend, if you feel tired, then you have every reason to rest. First of all, you do not have to be "productive" all the time, not all of your behavior needs to serve a "greater purpose". The idea that sloth is sinful and "hard" work is salvation (Puritan/Protestant work ethic) is just that, an idea, not a fact. Second, it is quite reasonable to assume gaming was an escape from the exhaustion (emotional and physical) of everyday life you now face. It will take some time to find a new healthier balance and there will often be things hindering that balance. It's only been a couple of days, it will take longer to find what you need and feel less "lost". That said, if you are just looking for more ideas for hobbies/pass-times, you can always google workshops/courses/clubs in your area. It's surprising how some are low-cost or almost free. Personally, one thing I tend to enjoy and want to get more into is improv. I try to go to "jams" (open get-togethers) once a week and go see a show now and then. I do need to push myself a bit, social anxiety and low self-esteem can be a hindrance but I have proven some pre-suppositions wrong at times (i.e., things went better than expected). I hope to make friends in the long term, friends that I can hang out and talk with outside of improv events. It's been ~2 weeks since you created this thread. I hope you are doing well. Good luck going forward mate.

Monday wasn't a good day. Nothing bad happened to me, it was like I decided to have a bad day. I'm not helping myself with the language I am using here: "good" vs "bad"; so vague for the amount of weight they bring. So, let's be more specific and fair. I had an unproductive day, a day of "binging" so to speak. I didn't shower. I didn't get dressed. I ate junk food, played video games, and watched anime all day. There were moments of self-awareness but I chose to continue fleeing/avoiding judgment/guilt; I felt ashamed - I didn't want anyone to see me the way I was - like I was a "bad" person (there's that language again). I'm not a "bad" person. I make mistakes all the time, sure, but who doesn't? I've made these mistakes - hurting myself and/or others - more often than I'm willing to accept though... Now that I think about it, the bar for the "acceptable range" is pretty low; too low perhaps. Regarding yesterday, all the "damage" done didn't directly involve others, it was directed at me exclusively. Was it even intentional? I was foolishly neglectful of my needs and/or overindulgent in my wants. But that was yesterday. There might (probably will) be similar instances in the future but at the moment, I am being more mindful, perhaps even productive on a personal/spiritual level. With some effort, it seems reasonable to deem the labeling of my entire identity as "bad", because of yesterday, harsh; just as instinctively, it seems reasonable to deem the labeling of my entire identity as "good", because of the present moment, meek. I am neither "good" nor "bad" overall. I like to think I am "good enough" overall at the moment. xD It takes a lot of cognitive effort at the moment (given the depression I'm going through) but I can forgive myself. That's an important skill to have/use. If I can't forgive myself, then I wouldn't allow myself to make mistakes, to take risks, to "live life" per se. In this light here's a sample of the lyrics from one of my favorite songs, Learning to Live by Dream Theater. Peace out folks. Hope you have a nice day.

It's been almost 2 months since my last post in this journal/thread. My situation hasn't significantly changed since then. I'm still unemployed, still gaming, floating between mild and moderate depression. To be honest, I don't think I can blame anybody but myself for this stagnancy. I openly admit I have barely put in extra effort towards change, especially career-wise. That same lack of motivation and "willpower" I've often struggled with. I'm stuck in this "cycle" of avoidance/procrastination so to speak. I'm repeating myself here, as I've expressed in my last several posts, this lifestyle is largely fueled by cynicism towards myself and the society I live in at large. It takes a lot to muster up the will to "keep trying" when it feels impossible. Even if I acknowledge the subjectivity and fallacious nature of this "impossibility", that I will certainly and probably have succeeded in more ways than I instinctively acknowledge, the feeling doesn't go away. If I keep waiting for this feeling to go away before acting, then I might never (if ever) act. I can't make this feeling go away. I must learn to accept it, live with it, and make "reasonable/wise" accommodations for it. Acceptance is a big topic in my psychotherapy. So I searched the word on YouTube and saw a video that I already watched and commented on it, ~2 years ago. So here I go... despite the awkwardness... dear me, It's ok that you feel it's almost impossible to improve/succeed in various aspects of life like health, career, and community. A lot of things happened to you... you wanted... heck, you deserved better. I'm proud that you haven't given up completely, and that you manage to muster up wisdom, courage, and strength. I believe you can make it out of this eventually. Keep thinking, keep trying and good luck. I love you man. TTYL. Peace out.

First of all, I'm not an expert, this is mostly my opinion based on personal experience. I've been to a lot of secular addiction group meetings (not the 12-step kind) in the past, though not recently. People go there to get support for a variety of addictions (drugs & alcohol, sex, social media, games, gambling, shopping, etc.). It helped me kick my marijuana addiction back in ~2016 but I still struggle with gaming. I haven't been off of games in quite some time and I must admit I'm falling behind in many areas. Anyways, a lot of newcomers to the support group would ask something along the lines of "Should I completely abstain, or can I allow myself to use on special occasions". I may be mistaken but I think it's the general belief in the field of psychology at least, that complete abstinence is the more reliable and effective treatment. After all, when we think about it, the rules are simple, clear, and rigid, thus we are less likely to "get away with it" if we end up "cheating" so to speak. While it may feel harder to get the ball rolling at first, one is less likely to relapse in the long term, I believe. If you want to go with a more "moderation" focused approach, that's fine, that's your choice and it's not impossible but it's more complicated. You must set clear rules, and you must hold yourself accountable. If you start bending the rules and don't acknowledge your guilt and regret your actions, well... why not bend these rules a little more next time? You get what I'm saying. It's more "risky" per se. I think @wheatbiscuit points out well what's important to do to recover: believe in yourself and the change you want to accomplish. You can find healthier alternatives for whatever you are trying to fill with gaming, if not let go of this craving altogether. What helped me quit marijuana in ~2016 was the people I met at meetings and other activities. It took some time, effort/courage, but after a while, I felt valued (despite my inadequacies) 3 to 4 times a week. Often enough personally, that back home, alone, I didn't have as much of an "empty feeling" to stave off. I could do things other than binge gaming or eating in between and it felt "good". Whatever, you decide to do, it's up to you comrade and I wish you luck. Don't hesitate to get professional help if you can and don't hesitate to come back here to share your experience. Peace out.

First of all, I'm not a mental health expert at all (I work in tech - software). So, this is just my opinion based on personal experience and thought. Addiction isn't just a feeling, though it certainly has to do with such. Addiction is when the behavior (given circumstances) causes irrational harm and one still engages in it over and over again. Are you neglecting responsibilities you would otherwise address? If you confidently and reasonably answer "no" then chances are, in my unqualified opinion, that you are not addicted to gaming. That your current approach to gaming is probably moderate/reasonable. Perhaps you are feeling like your current approach as "addictive" (i.e., at risk.of developing into an addiction). That would be a pretty wise observation. A lot of times we only question our desires and behaviors after we have personnally suffered consequences. If you set yourself boundaries now, and hold yourself accountable (rather then finding excuses) when you break them, well... I think your on a good path. I say "good path" because there is no universal "right path". Not all gamers become addicted. Regarding your last sentence... would you say that boredom/dissatisfaction extends overall of sorts? Like do you feel "chronically bored" per se? In that case you probably should talk to a therapist. It's possible that you suffer from mild or moderate depression, in which case yeah, you would be more vulnerable to develop an addiction. Everyone feels bored or disatisfied at times. The sentient experience... it's like we're always jumping from one sense of satisfaction, get acclimated, and jump to another. However, it would be worrying if you didn't have the will to make the more effective jumps, for whatever reason. Anyways, maybe you should speak to a psychotherapist. You'll almost surely get more accurate answers for yourself there, though it can be too expensive or unnaccessible in your area. It's like... don't wait for that lump or bump to grow and cause more pain before having it checked, so to speak. Good luck and take care.

I haven't made much of an effort to find a new job. So far, I've updated my resume and applied for a single job. I'm an honest and simple guy. I keep my resume short and to the point. The job posting was we are looking for X of Y with 2 years of Z experience. I was X of Y with ~10 years of Z experience. Seriously, it's almost like I was applying for something adjacent to what I was just laid off from. And yet, my application seems to have fallen on deaf ears. The whole process feels so tedious and futile; I feel commodified - stripped of all ideas and personality - every step of the way. It doesn't matter how honest and deep you look at yourself, just sprinkle as many buzzwords as you can on your profile/resume, call it a "skill", call it "experience", and hope to God someone gets tricked into selecting you. Curiosity, ambition, ideas, values? If you don't have the means to make it happen yourself, put all that aside, shut up, sit down, and do what you are told. Like God damn, even dating apps are better than this and I've been single (no benefits) for >10 years. Can I at least get a "sorry but not interested" from this 1 employer? Sheesh... Whenever I do a "what are my values" quiz or whatever, "honesty/authenticity" comes up all the time near the top for me. However, it seems like we live in a grifter's paradise these days. Being honest and accurate is for losers, it seems. Spread misinformation about yourself, others, and the world at large, it's all about quantity and not quality. That's the monster (i.e. the abyss) I feel I am up against, the type I am encouraged to become and it disgusts me. I don't know what the point of all this is meant to be. Maybe I'm just ranting. *sigh* ... honestly, I don't "really" want to work for anyone else on some "bigtech" product... I just don't want to have to worry about rent, food, and medical expenses while I do my best to make myself and others feel a bit better somehow. I feel too tired and frustrated for large ambitions right now. I just want to feel safe and welcome. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently so...

I lost my job today. I'm part of a "mass corporate layoff", so to speak. I'm at least getting a severance package, allegedly per the laws here (I don't know, I'm not a lawyer and I can't afford one). The income from this should keep me afloat for at least 2 months and I am eligible for provincial unemployment "benefits" (i.e., "welfare"); though in my experience the latter isn't even enough to pay rent (let alone other living expenses). I had a feeling this was coming and here it is. I got an email yesterday at 4pm to go to this very important meeting (with DO NOT SHARE/FOWARD THIS in the fine print), in less than 24 hours, in "that room" - the big conference one on the 1st floor, away from cubicles, close to the entrance/exit - with no specific project even being mentioned in the email. I was terrified and started to panic. I thought I was going to get "fired" with no compensation, I cried and lamented my existence for a while, lying in bed. I had just payed my credit card bill that day and realized I didn't have enough money to pay for another month of living expenses without cutting or selling off things even with my regular income. I had some pretty dark thoughts that I won't get into... thankfully I was only partially right. I am losing my job but with time to hopefully recover and find another one. This might turn out to be a blessing, you never know. I hated my job, or what it had become. It just did not help me fulfill any of my psychological needs, and barely helped me fulfill my physical ones. It's hard to feel safe, welcome, and valuable when you're finances have been dwindling for months. as you struggle with mental and physical health hurdles and get no raise to keep up with inflation. I hope that my next job, or rather the people that I work with, will give me a better chance to feel more welcome and valuable. There's no real lesson for me here. Although I try to leave political ideology out of my posts here, you probably know I'm more "anti" than "pro" capitalism. I was already disillusioned about the internal politics/competition and propaganda (shallow corporate "wokeness"). It doesn't matter how "good" of a person your manager and/or HR rep is, if upper management drops a ruling, they have to comply, no matter how arbitrary and unfair it might be. In the end, all workers (people) are more expendable than the trending corporate stock value. ~35-40 more people were laid off in the same meeting as me and the company reps expressed similar events happening in other departments and locations across the company. I'm just guessing but this could be a solid ~5% cut to the workforce worldwide. I'm lucky, in a sense, some people were in a more precarious position than I was. Some complained that their temporary residency in this country depended on this job. A woman, 6 or 7 months pregnant, complained that she was due to give birth just a few days after the "date of termination" she just learned about. I hope the "severance package" these people receive is adapted in accordance with these needs. I doubt it though. Anyways... I'm gonna try to be careful and even though I haven't completely abstained yet, I will do my best to avoid going down the binge-gaming path. I have some paperwork to do, and I have to go job hunting again soon while I can still afford to live. Wish me luck fellows.