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Intermitent Display Of Emotions

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Hey pdallair!

It's okay that you have chosen not to post everyday, others in this community don't post everyday. Additionally this is your journal, you do what you want, it's your journey. None of us are here to dictate what you decide to do. However, we are here to support and help you with any conflicts you have!



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Day 5 - Meh

God damn, the cravings are strong right about now.  I haven't been taking good care of myself today and now I feel like shit.  I feel drowsy and gloomy.  I don't wana feel drowsy and gloomy.  I wana feel good, REAL GOOD.  Give me that stimulation baby! Yeaaaaeeeuuuuh! ... *sigh* Are things always going to feel this benign?  No.  Probably not.  There will be moments like this, when my desires/expectation far exceed what I can handle.  However, they too shall pass.  Seriously.  It's hard to believe but for all I know, I might feel great tomorrow.  I didn't sleep well last night.  I didn't eat well throughout the day.  I didn't fulfill all my daily goals/tasks but I did do some.  I don't need video-games.  They are not part of who I am.  I will learn to enjoy other things if I keep trying; I just need to persevere — i.e. give myself more time.  I resorted to games to find a delusional sense of comfort (safety and pleasure) for years, it will take time to find and nurture an authentic version of this sensation elsewhere.

I can do this.  I don't have to.  I choose to.  May I feel safe, happy and healthy.

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Day 6 - Distress Tolerance and Tibetan Buddhism

The module that I am going through with my Dialectical Behavior Therapy group, recently, is centered around Distress Tolerance Skills.  During our last session we went over the Radical Acceptance skill and that's when I realized that I hadn't fully accepted my addiction to video-games.  Sure, I admitted I was addicted and tried to moderate my usage.  Regardless of the countless failed attempts however, I had been neglecting for a lto to take that final step and resort to abstinence.  It's a painful realization because so much of my memories and current identity feel rooted in gamer culture.  Anw... that night I decided to quit and the next morning I did the "purge" (uninstalled all my PC games).

I have been reading on and off about Buddhism.  If I consider myself religious someday it will be around this one.  The non-theistic approach to spiritual philosophy is quite interesting to me and many if the core practices (meditation) are recognized as beneficial in the fields of neuroscience and psychology.  Anw, last night I was furthering my reading of Beyond Religion by the Dalai Lama and what I encountered was very in tune with what has been discussed throughout the current module.  I was going to take notes anyways and I decided to do it here.

There is a word/expression in the Tibetan language that reminds me of Distress Tolerance: soe pa. This expression is often translated as patience, however, as with many foreign expressions, it entails more than this.    According to his holiness (the Dalai Lama), a more accurate translation into English would be forbearance because "It entails not giving in to our instinctive urge to respond negatively to our difficulties"; there is a sense of forgiveness and harmony to it.  The entire concept relies on 3 aspects to consider:

  1. Forbearance towards the perpetrators of harm.
  2. The acceptance of suffering.
  3. The acceptance of reality.

The second one is what I learned from the most.  One of my main uses of video-games was to avoid short-term pain/discomfort.  One of the main reasons, I think, is because I did not learn to see the benefits to suffering but rather, that I should avoid it as much as possible.  Anw, the benefits of suffering where not listed neatly but here's what I get from the text:

  • Suffering allows us, with empathy and compassion, to recognize kinship and bond with one another.
  • Suffering can be a catalyst/motivation towards positive change/growth.

Just to be clear, accepting is not the same as submitting.  I'm not saying suffering consistently benefits us more than it does harm.  However, keeping this little tidbit of wisdom in mind does make short-term and/or inevitable suffering more tolerable, improving my chances to avoid "giving in to our instinctive urge to respond negatively".

If anyone else reads this, thank you.  May you feel safe, happy and healthy.  Take care.

Edited by pdallair91
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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 16 - *Nod*

My assumption that I would find it easier in time feels although it is slowly coming true.  I still haven't managed to stick to a schedule but at least I get somethings done.  The bordom, distress, and frustration I feel (which lead to cravings) are getting more manageable, or maybe I'm just getting better at managing them; probably both.

I feel I'm slowly converting my pessimistic self-fulfilling beliefs into more into more optimistic ones.  As I hand out more compassion and kindness towards myself and others, some of these assumptions end up being or becoming true; reinforcing the cognition and behavior in the process.  If you're going to experience confirmation bias, you might as well use it for good! AMIRIGHT FOLKS!?

To whoever reads this: may you feel safe, happy and healthy.

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