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Marius

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Everything posted by Marius

  1. It's ok not to do anything that might be problematic for you. Rehab is often accompanied by feelings of emptiness and a loss of motivation. You will go through that stage and find your motivation again. Plan your day if you think it helps you.
  2. One week in using blockers to block almost all websites that I used to feel better but overall became addicted to. Internet is still a huge temptation and I believe that I can only heal when I plan more time without devices. Currently a little depressed because there are certain conflicts that resurface and I'm thinking a lot about my past life and what went wrong. I might have identified certain interaction that have led me to the mental problems I'm facing now. Will go into stationary rehab in the next time. Wish me luck
  3. If these symptoms persist over 14 days, it might be depression: - depressed mood - loss of interest - feelings of guilt - sleep problems - concentration diminished - appetite decreased - suicide thoughts - psychomotor agitation/retardation aka aimless movement around or little movement not all symptoms have to be present but if a substantial amount is true, make a call with your local psychiatrist or in case of acute suicide thoughts your nearby clinic immediately
  4. You can also try fascia rolls and stretch for longer periods (30s+). Sounds really well how life is progressing for you. Keep up the good work!
  5. Why, what do you feel?
  6. Hello everyone, I'm finally at the point where I tried to implement Respawn failed again and again and would like to use the healthcare system of my country to overcome this addiction. I tried outpatient one-on-one therapy once but this didn't change anything and even Respawn was more effective. This is why I'm contemplating inpatient rehab for around 10 weeks to beat this addiction. Did anyone have experience with these different approaches (especially inpatient rehab) and could offer me some advice if this can be recommended? Thanks in advance Marius
  7. 1. I can recommend the addon "DF Tube" as a soft approach and "LeechBlock NG" for Linux / "Cold Turkey Blocker" for Windows / "Stay Focused" for Android as a hard blocking approach. 2. Andrew Kirby is a god for personal development. Nevertheless he is on YouTube... 3. no idea, I don't even know what that is.
  8. or not 😄 Welp, I found myself watching a lot of Twitch lately and actually played a porn game again. Porn in general has become a regular activity as well. I think I will try to cut down on those activities slowly as I tried to completely erase Twitch from my day yesterday when the days before I just to come back from uni and directly lay down on the couch to watch Twitch until I fall asleep in front of the screen, and couldn't really live with all the craving. It felt intense and almost uncontrollable. I chatted with a friend and then actually went on Twitch to watch some more until I fell asleep again in front of the screen. We are currently covering psychology in uni and I might have a narcissistic personality I discovered. Dunno why and since when but I can say that many of the described social interaction patterns are well known to me. As an underlying condition this might be suitable explanation for my emotional instability. I think I'm physically and mentally addicted to recreational internet usage atm. Most likely I try to dampen the pain I experience with real life. It's a flight from responsibility and unstable social relationships. I went to the gym today and learned a bit Spanish again. So this is on the positive side. I really don't think that I can manage today without going back to Twitch for the evening although I know that it's disastrous for my health and life. There is just this intense feeling of fear, loneliness, stupidity and my inability to sleep. I might have to try in-patient rehab because otherwise I'm at the end of my wits. I still really enjoy reading through all your journals and thanks for reading.
  9. As a soon to be doctor I'd like to ask: What exactly did happen? bone fracture? It is actually highly recommended to cut down immobilisation time after these injuries, go through a rehabilitation program with intense workouts AND relaxation time. Furthermore applying pressure on a healing fracture activates osteoblasts which helps to regain the original shape. If the initial pain never subsided may go and see a competent orthopedist as there might be the chance of a pseudarthrosis.
  10. Hey, just wanted to say that I'm still there. Will keep my entries to one per week.
  11. Well my break is over friends, I think. From Wednesday onward I didn't really care about anything in my life besides my electronic media usage. I binged YouTube, porn, even played some minor games. I did watch quite a lot of YouTube channels that are educational, nevertheless this is far from what I thought I would do when I came back to my apartment. I think I tried to change too fast and was disappointed when things didn't turn out as planned. The funny thing is that this method was actually the most successful so far which is why I will continue with it. I think forcing myself to do anything is really the bad approach. I watched a really great video on Better Than Yesterday and I will incorporate many of the mentioned ideas into my future schedules. The ways from which I set myself up to derive satisfaction and happiness from are flawed in the sense that they are unreliable. I have to stay happy throughout the day without me relying on them.
  12. Ok, idk. This is gonna be day 1. defined as this momentum after getting up from bed where I feel sufficiently rested to start the day. There are so many ideas that actually would help me to bring me to the right direction but I'm not following through. So no more gaming with life. I think it's mostly being depressed for me when I binge watch something to feel better. I'm depressed because I don't have that many friends and feel stuck in life without a path to where I once was: respected, well equipped for the future, independent, safe and admired. This admiration part was a safety shield against the appearance of reputation shattering memories. It was my defense against failures of the past. I really do care A LOT what others think about me and I wish I wouldn't. I'm just really insecure about myself and what represent atm. Some expectations are flawed in my environment I believe which is why I need something I can always rely on. I think that this has been so far the ability to find bliss in binging online video streams. Always reliable without any downtime. And I never had to worry what the other side thought about me as everything was anonymous and unidirectional. This obviously only explains the problem and doesn't solve it yet. Finding source(s) for my confidence that can't be impaired by anybody and loosing my reliance for the admiration of others is what is the solution here I believe. I need something I can always rely on which is tied to myself, invisible but not yielding to the flow of time.
  13. Do you have a dream job? Will that job change bring you closer to this dream job?
  14. Your determination to become the person you envision yourself to be has to be stronger than your situational urges. Always remind yourself about that. Let nothing stand between you and your ideal.
  15. Still no day 1, even watched porn and youtube again. I'm not very disciplined atm. Feel like not using my time to further my coding skills atm is a waste of time, still become frustrated if things don't turn out that easy as I hoped they would and then disable my blockers to binge some instant gratification. I miss social interaction, too. Everything that I need to do atm is solo work for the most part and I only have one friend who likes to study with me and she is away at her parents until the second week of January. Tomorrow I'll take the train to my parents' home. I will stay there for one week. A perfect day would begin in 1.30h and I haven't slept yet. The world is a scary place. I have a list of things I have to to tomorrow and I won't have much time for that. Thanks for reading , I'll keep you updated. Gotta find my mojo.
  16. He uses his computer to game. So that won't be a problem but also no solution 😄 Nevertheless I have my in-ear-noise-cancellation-headphones with me. So I will definitely make use of them. Yes I should definitely do that. The last few days saw me staying up way to long. I'm currently rushing through the freecodecamp website. There are a lot of programming challenges and many seem fairly easy until you hit bugs and have to be creative. I have to learn for my final exams. Have postponed that for a long time now. The intention was to first learn how to write Python addons for Anki, so that would help me learn my stuff in an organized way. It takes too much time though. I have to find a different solution. I have to apply for a doctoral thesis and an internship over the break. These are definitely two things that I have to undergo. Sure I could do that. I'm not friends with many people though in the town where I'm from and the one friendship I kept caring for is a bit toxic atm. Would prefer not to do anything in that regard atm. So I had to find new friends while being really busy with coding/learning. Don't have a romantic partner and won't have for a long time: I'm not working out that much atm, so I'm not that attractive as I used to be. Also there have been so many destroyed relationships in the past that I think the best is to find a new self first before looking for someone new. Board games with family I would really like but the past has shown that even when they become excited at one point that won't last until the evening when they would like to do something else often. My brother prefers to play games and my parents watch TV.... It's not that big of a town and it's the christmas season, so I don't know if I might be able to find any new friends. Still I also feel that working on my coding skills really isolates me at the moment.I feel the need to do so though as I try to get this addon working for the next big exams. I'm currently suffering from insomnia and I guess celiac disease/IBS which really destroys me interest in working out. I would like to start with a challenge by Mark Lauren which is mostly equipment free but I keep putting it off as I say to myself that other things are more important. might help with digestion and sleep though.. well, I'll start tomorrow. would need to find new ones. not easy during Christmas in small towns. could practice piano again.I feel mostly obliged though to become better at coding though atm. Thanks for your suggestions. I will try to implement what works for me. I already made up my mind to only stay for a week at my parents as well. That will limit the time I have to spend in this environment.
  17. Just keep your barriers around games up and maybe write down somewhere why you don't want to play anymore. If you have urges you just have to look at that text and see how your brain is emotional and not rational. Emotions fade. Always remember that. Rationality prevails.
  18. I'll start counting again if I have to the feeling to have used my 24h that day exactly like I wish to. Just one day not behaving in the way success can reached with will be another day 0. So I guess that is correct for today. Let's start with the good things first, though. I didn't overuse my phone today, my blocker are effective even on Linux now. That means porn, YouTube, games, streams, news and movies/series are banned. That leaves my computer to achieve what matters moving into the future. I'm currently binging on freecodecamp.org. This is good and bad at the same time. It means I'm actually working on a learning target I'm working on for years now. Nevertheless I would prefer to fulfill my basic needs first before I strive for advanced human existence. That is to say: Air, water, sleep, food and shelter needs in that order have to be fulfilled before I move on with other things in life. Currently I think that air is about 80%, water 60%, sleep 20%, food 30%, shelter 40%. I need to get those numbers to 100% and yes they might be a bit arbitrary and subjective. There are different reasons why they are not at 100% but I can work on them. I haven't cooked today for example as I was mostly focused on moving on with freecodecamp. I will do that right after finishing this post. I will open my window and vaccum/wipe my room. That should bring food to 90%, air to 100% and shelter to 60%. After 9pm I will try to find a calming activity to prepare me for sleep, so I might be able to go to 40% hopefully this night. Drinking water should just bring me 100% in that regard. I'd like to focus this heavily on those basic needs as I feel that I starved my body of them over the past couple of years. True recovery needs a solid foundation.
  19. So it might seem strange but I think I wanna start fresh. During the last few days my life has fallen apart even more. It's essential that I try to attend classes and learn or work on my learning programs. I rather stayed up late often past 3am in front of my laptop watching youtube or documentaries and other things that really I shouldn't do during the night. I can't sleep and currently I also don't have much appetite as well. My kitchen hasn't been cleaned since I worked on the cake on Saturday. I just don't like to do it. I rather instantly go to my laptop after coming home again and try to forget about the outside world. Everything seems to difficult and scary. I worry about what others think about myself. Everything that is necessary to just shut my systems down is really complicated to me atm. Also I struggle to find friends. I wish I could solve all my health problems in a day but it seems like I have to invest time and focus on them if I want to change anything. So starting tomorrow 6am I will live my life exactly like I wish to for several months now. I will mostly journal offline and write here from time to time. Maybe weekly basis. I won't stress myself about it. I'll keep coming though. Have a good day! gratitude list: - My room plants didn't die though I mistreat them heavily 😄 - Tomatoes can be yummy - This little figure I was once gifted that fits on my vinegar bottle - Light can be warm - There will always be another day - Life chances are endless - Music can change your mood instantly - my family still likes me - no situation has to infinite - Every day is another chance to move your brain in the right direction.
  20. day 31 So yesterday was spent going to a friend's birthday... I'm not kidding. I wanted to prepare something but couldn't sleep the night before. After that I got out of bed late and was late to the party already. Then I wanted to buy stuff to eat there are one present but I actually left the key in my apartment so I had to go to a nearby key service to help me out.. I picked up all groceries and cooked and baked a cake but that took an additional 2 hours. Following that I went to my friend's apartment where he lives together with two other friends of mine. We talked a bit and had a nice meal before I left again. Was later than all others at the time. I went home again and cleaned the kitchen, planned my day and hoped to be able to sleep at night. Sadly I felt really awake, had stomach-ache and the club was loud again. For that reason I slept poorly mostly lying awake. The next day was ruined... I woke up late today and didn't feel rested at all. The whole day set up was not possible anymore as I didn't feel rested at all. Went on YouTube and didn't do anything else and I don't have the concentration and motivation for that. Headaches and sleepiness as well. I was tempted to go to Twitch but gladly didn't. Nevertheless I didn't do anything productive today and mostly lie on the couch feeling mildly depressed how everything turned out again. Also I would like to spend more time with friends but I have the feeling that I'm not a good friend myself and also don't have my friends. Apart from that I feel demotivated about studying as well atm. It's just sad overall. If I could fix those hefty sleeping issues my life would become so much better. As my planned evening is mostly passive I might give it ago as I don't feel able to do anything active anyways. Still have to schedule important doctor visits, so might give that a go tomorrow. I don't feel well at all about my life currently. I often have the impression that there is little progress and mostly failure after failure. It's really damaging my ability to focus on long-term goals.
  21. Well, good that you keep writing. Ask yourself what you missed during the time when you had to wait that your brain thought could be best fulfilled by WoW. Being satisfied by time periods where there is not much happening or that really don't look that interesting and rather boring or without social contact is something where I have to work on definitely. In my opinion life has accelerated really fast during the last few years and slow transitions or tasks that take much time are unfamiliar to our brain now. Especially given how electronics can help you to overcome any kind of boredom in a couple of seconds. Attention economy is in full force. There are certain kind of interactions that are just unhealthy for your brain and which strengthen those patterns of getting the quick buzz. I'm struggling with YouTube atm for example. What I highly recommend for you is to create a higher barrier of entry for those digital applications/website which you like to avoid. You have just proven empirically that the one you tried before was unsuccessful. So delete the account. It will only take you about five minutes and there might be a time frame where the account is put on hold before there is no going back but it is the right step forwards.
  22. day 29 Finished my assignment. Finally. It has taken most of my "self"-time this week. I'm currently sitting in front of my laptop and should probably just go outside to get away of it but it's cold and dark. Also should have cooked something nice. Already 9pm. Should really go to sleep in an hour but don't feel sleepy at all atm. That won't get better watching something on screen though. I just feel like beating a bit time to death right now 😄 Why do I feel that? Yesterday in my bed I realized that I might have some serious problems with short tendons and weak back muscles. That means working on that will most likely make my life much better. I would really love to just engage in something I have missed out on during this week where I had to work on the assignment. I have some serious problem meeting new people. It's Friday night and most people my age would love to go out. Nevertheless I sit here in my room and would prefer watching some video/movie, just listening to music. I might have an idea where this comes from but to solve this issue I would have to apply massive action to become successful in almost every aspect of my life. This is actually what I should do now. I'll drink some tea and try to find some edible foot in my apartment and sit down with calm music to further my coding skills. A friend asked me if we'd like to drink something together and she's a girl. I don't know what I should interpret into this. I just don't hope that she hopes for something more because I don't want that. There is a gazillion other goals I'd like to accomplish before I would like to enter into anything new. I don't feel prepared and I don't want to apply my time into romance atm. Just that. Could also just mean that she likes to grab a drink together as friends which would be nice 🙂 We'll see. The week after tomorrow I'll be at my parents and I'm not looking forward to this. I'm not that close to my family members and would love to keep working on myself where I live now. Will probably just make the Christmas visit short and stay for a week before leaving again.
  23. You are right. For me it just hurts to see how much I could have been and what I am now. I would really love to go back in time and live life smarter.
  24. I can understand that. I have some trouble with maintaining friendships in real life, too. Online often has some predefined context which makes it easier to hide weaknesses and display strengths. That way you are more or less cheating your way to social success. It's tempting to let challenges and dangers in real life divert your interests to this digital world. Doing so ultimately makes it only harder though to have success offline as you need practice with offline gatherings. Just eliminate your weaknesses and let the minor and macro aggressions in real life bounce off. Develop a basket of social skills and then become friends with people. Humans are social creatures. We like to live in groups and maybe using object/symbol based language is one of the features that really distinguishes our species from other animals.