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Alright, this is going to be a bit different, my problem is also a bit different, maybe even weird. Let me start by explaining where I am starting from.


I went thru a trauma when I was 4 years old, that's when i started to stutter, after that other kids just started to bully me to hell and back, it somewhat stopped when I turned 15, or maybe it did sooner but I was too defensive to notice, so I basically felt like an outlaw, tying to fit in and failing miserably. Very few friends. To spice it up, my dad died when I was 10, he was a long haul truck driver, so I didn't even knew him as much as I wish I would, but i still loved him alot, in fact part of me was kinda waiting for him to show up at the door, for 3 years after his death. Also depression hit me quite hard during 10 and 15, thinking about suicide and searching for a criminal group to join just to get noticed.

Some facts about fatherless kids, just the ones I got into or just dodged them, more likely to have behavioral problems, more likely to abuse drugs and alco, more likely to go to prison, 2x more likely to suffer obesity, more likely to commit crime, 2x more likely to drop out of highschool. The ones I didnt get into, just pure luck, the ones i did, i'm trying to fix for a month now. I never got into crime, crime rates are really low where i live, so no real way to learn anything from anyone, so just luck. I didn't do much gaming at the time yet.

Once i turned 16, I bought my first gaming pc, not much but enough to run BF4 on pretty decent settings when it came out, before that it was LoL, BF1942, GTA:SA, NFS:MW..., I probably did play daily, but not that much, honestly. From age of 10 on I was trying to skip as much school as possible, just to avoid bullies and people in general, i didnt trust anyone, part of me still doesnt, while faking to have a headaces or whatever i'be gaming and learning Italian. After getting the gaming PC, gaming snowballed a bit not too much tho, I always did fine in school even tho I skipped a lot and half of the time while in school I slept, second best in class. I turn 18, I got some new info on truck driving license, I dont have to be 21 to become a trucker, so I go, drop out of school, for trucking... now all the scars from depression from years ago, bullying and what not started to show... changed 6 jobs in 5 yeras, i actually worked 2.5 years, 2.5 spent at home gaming. This is all due to trauma, when people start to get close to me. I run, when i start to feel good I run, if no one cares I stay. When i was around 18 I met a dude while playing a game, from th same country as me, best friends for 5 years, that's why i've spent so much time gaming. You can deny it all you want, a human needs to interact with other people, no way around that, he commited suicide in january. All the BS I was managing to run away from all this time while having this guy on my side, came back, before it was small problem, now it was just huge pile of poop. After his death I closed myself in my bedroom for a week,  blind all the way down, and gaming 16 hous a day. Until I got enough, that's when the depression came back. For 3 months I had no idea what to do, after discussing for a bit with some guys on this forum I sort of figured it out. What I need is to stop being afraid of people, stop hiding in gaming get out there and fix my sorry ass. So now it is nearly a month since i figured this out and i've been working out it a lot.

(I did left some things out, but I dont want to type really everything, it's already too much)


I decided not to quit gaming, but I decided to get dopamine levels as low as i can get them, dopamine triggers addictions. I decided that because there were times during last 5 years when I was gaming and I had my life really sorted out, to the point where i would even stop stuttering and I felt normal, so the goal is to reach that and maintain it. My first steaps were, take a look at the games which i play, where am i getting the most dopamine from? Why I cant get myself to play some games? The most dopamine games, out. Answer to the second question, well they are hard or there is little to no reward, or compared to anything else, they are boring in a way. So i'm playing these games now and while I dont get lost in them, I get to have full control over my life, just went a weekend without gaming, because I was doing some things for school, no problem. I find if i dont get lost in a game, i get to think about life, economy, politics, school and most important things which I need to get done. That allowed me to start going to bed at 22:00 and waking up at 6:00, every single day, I started working out, started going to fitness, started to spend more time with friends, I kinda just want to get to know everybody... I started to do the important things in the morning. So basically a huge changes, all in order to fix myself, which is the end goal. Which games do I play, Farming sim, Cities Skylines, Europa Universalis 4 and Euro truck simulator 2... ofcourse I didnt get to play EU4 or CS yet, the hard games to get into for me... out of these the most dopamine I get from Euro truck, so I'm very careful when I play it and how much I play it. Right now i'm experimenting with something, what is it i'll let you know soon enough. There is one more reason why i picked these games, you can stop playing whenever you want, no need to play actually and all of them can get boring sometimes, when dopamine is low you are bored and that's when you can change yourself in my opinion. Oh, almost forgot, I'm keeping my phone as far away as possible, I'm trying to use it just for calls. Avoiding TV aswell. In this journal i'll try to let you know of my conclusions, what works for me, what doesnt and how different things effect me.

Edit: forgot to mention, no music or anything else while I play, if i want music I listen to just music, if  I want to listen to lets say, to Jordan Peterson, I dont do it while gaming anymore, pause the game and listen to the guy, 100% focus on the video and nothing else, no distractions. When do you turn on the music when gaming? I usually did it when i got a bit bored, we come to dopamine again, dont turn on the music and brains will get used to that level iof it. Some may think, why not just quit gaming if you are making it so boring, CS and EU4: developing imagination, planing, strategy and patience. Farming sim: patience, I really need to learn that. ETS2: not sure what i'm getting from this, I love to drive in real life, it sure helped me getting my driving license for car and truck, made it easier to drive a real truck too... just something i do when I got 10 or 20 minutes of free time before doing something more important. The main point here for me is, play, but keep dopamine as low as possible, that way you keep focus on your life outside of the screen. 

First conclusion: competitive gaming, so LoL, Rainbow etc. is fun, but there is just too much stress, rage quitting and stuff like that, so number one thing to avoid for me. 

Second conclusion for me: watching TV gives me more dopamine than playing any of the 4 games which I do play, I do nothing and things happen, just awesome thing to go "just one more" about it.

Now I wouldnt be here and moving forward without: @Cam Adair youtube videos, @Alexanderle, @apatton090, @ceponatia and @Hitaru comments, so thank you a lot guys. It is not quitting gaming, I know, I hope you don't mind, but i think I can make it work, especially since I dont think I was ever at the place where gaming was ruining my life, maybe it even kept my life together long enough, for me to start understanding some things which will help me fix it. Or I could be delusional, i'm keeping that option open.

Sorry for not perfect english, I learned it from video games and movies. 

Edited by Wonderer
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What I need is to stop being afraid of people, stop hiding in gaming get out there and fix my sorry ass. So now it is nearly a month since i figured this out and i've been working out it a lot.

Congrats on taking the first step.

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  • 1 month later...

I've been wanting to type something here for the lastt two weeks, just not sure what... regarding gaming, i am doing exactly what i said i would, but i realised gaming was never the problem, the problem was that since I met the friend who we spent so much time together, my life got purpose, now that he comitted suicide, depression for 3 months, I wasnt even sure why, then i figured that out and now, well i'm figuring out that no matter what you do in this life you wont take it with you when you die, so what's the point of doing anything? Wake up alone, spend the day, alone go to sleep, alone, that's how my day is right now, what i do during the day makes a difference, but no one knows when i go and do something, or when i think of something, there is no one to share it with... when i want to try something new in a video game, it's just me, no one to have a laugh with anymore... sure i meet friends during the weekends, but that is nothing compared to chatting on discord with someone for at least an hour a day, i mean 2 hours at the end of the week, this is so casual, i dont know if it even deserves being called a friendship... plus people are getting boyfriends and girlfriends, creating a  different life for themselves, not that i need that or want that, it just doesnt make sense, I love doing what I do, getting in a relationship would force me to change the way i live my life, plus in most cases women want kids, i'm not even sure when and if this is on my to do list... nothingin life makes sense to me right now, i dont get people, we are trying to live life like we are never going to die, example, if you have kids when you are 24, this means that at least for 18 years they are your priority, for 18 years you need to focus on them so when do you get to do the things on your to do list, I dont see myself living a normal life, i want to experience life like im going to die tomorrow. When my friend was alive, i'd go to work for 8 hours, come home, game for 4 or 5 hours and the next day we'd do it all again. When I wasnt working, 4-12 hours a day but I knew what I was doing, in a way i knew who I was, I was looking forward to things in my life, the way I was living before i could have kids, girlfriend, I had no problem focusing on school when i needed to, I had no problem doing stuff outside of the gaming, it was all some kind of achivement, I was proud to be a gamer with a not too bad life outside of the gaming, now it it all means nothing to me.

A few years ago I stumbled across the saying "some people stop living when they are in their 20s and actually die when they are 60" and I said I was never going to be that guy, guess what, that's exacly who i am right now, I'd give away everything in my life to be 22 again, i'm 24 now... before when i was a gamer, I was happy with a normal job and what would some consider a boring life, now if I want to get where I want to, I'll have to do school for at least another 3 years, while working, at least part time and even then I dont know if it will be enough, basically chasing money to chase happiness to chase purpose in life... and i had enough of everything... now i wonder, if i die today or in 60 years, what's the difference? If i ever have kids or not, the difference? If i make millions in money or average money, the difference? I can go on, these questions are endless and guess who cares about them, society in which we live in. You dont actually need any of that, another question, did anyone who doesnt know you ever actually cared about your happiness? Even better, I bet my ass that even people who are close to you dont really care, it's always can you do this can you do that, you say no too many times and you are out... Pretty good example, a boss at work, can you do it or not, you are replaceable, you spend 8 hours a day working for a company and at the end how many times did someone above you come to you and ask you how's life?

I mean, nothing, really nothing makes sense to me, yesterday evening I didn't feel sleepy but i tried to sleep anyway, ended up thinking about how I can do that but then I cant do this, went on for 15 minutes, you know just the things i care about. Less than a year ago, my only concern was, working and gaming, work enough to live and have enough spare time to game. Now it is just whole bunch of things i couldnt care less about a year ago, which could make me happy again, but it would take years of dedication and sacrifaces to get there and at the end a 60 years old guy would figure out how he should never left his home, should have kids and shouldnt go for the money.

Let me explain why is it so complicated:

First is, do I want to have a family life or do I want to explore the world, you cant have both. I want to drive trucks in Norway and Canada, this means learning Norwegian, I want to do farming in Czech and the USA, I wouldnt want to stay in a country for more than 3 years, this means i'd have to be laerning new languages all the time. In 10 or 20 years tractors and trucks will drive on their own, time to change the job, now if I want to make some good money I need better edjucation, this takes time... and so on. Besides that there is whole bunch of other countries where I would like to live for at least 6 months, so nomadic life style. The most difficult part is leaving everything I know behind, but i would live fulfilled life. Maybe.

Family life, one place for 20 years and then you are too old to go explore the whole world or you dont have the money or the health. Maybe your kids hate you, your wife left you 10 years ago, took half of your money maybe a house and so on... you stopped learning new things when you had your first kid, any real travelling is not possible. Probably boring life, the life we call normal... I dont want to be normal, I want to have stories to tell when i'll be old... but who will i be telling stories to if I wont have a family.

See? Life was easy when it was gaming and work, now a loss of one person changed everything so much for me, i got lost. Gaming isn't what it used to be and life is full of people running after meaningless things... meaningless being relative. 


Regarding gaming: I am playing 3 video games, not everyday. Gaming is a trap indeed, if you start to play in the morning you will have an unproductive day, if you start 4-5 hours before you go to bed, this is the best way to go about it... but it must be after you did everything you had/wanted to do that day. No matter which game it is, it has an effect on your brains, low dopamine or high, the dopamine is there. But so is everywhere else in your life, whenever you finish doing something you get a small hit, so I guess some of the games arent so bad. I feel the best when i start my day doing stuff in real life, the longer it takes me, the better... but my motivation right now is low, if I have to do things where I dont get to meet any other people, it takes me a week or longer to get it done, this week i slept for 12 hours every day, just because I can and it is the best way to not think about stuff... but i cant run forever, but i still dont know what decision to take, both are life changing and not in the way I would like. If it was up to me, I'd game until the day i die, when I wouldnt be working or learning for school or something i'd be gaming... it would be the easy way, no big decisions, in 5 years i'd get a pretty good job and i'd get to travel the world, maybe get a girlfriend a long the way and so on. But now the way things are, it is one or the other and i hate that, at the end i'll probably be sorry for not taking the gaming-school-work-job-travel-gf option. I could have it all, but since i have no friends in gaming right now, i dont think i can do that... at the end if i chose between the two options, i will never have a really deep relationships with anyone anyway. So right now, all the choices I have are bad. I'm lost, as i said before, I love to listen and to talk to people normal human is not like that, I can to someone talking for 3 hours, just sit there and listen, i find people interesting, all of you. Being in a position where i'm alone 98% of the time is killing me... I also need to find a job, but i would like something where i get to interact with people all the time, with my education, this is hard. I dont know,f'ed up situation overall. I got my gaming under control but i dont think it was ever about gaming being out of control, it was me feeling really happy while gaming and interacting with other people. I guess gaming came along just because of bad childhood and i wanted to belong somewhere... now i dont belong anywhere, again. I'm not even sure of anything, that's why i didnt write here for so long. Most people go in life and do what society expects from them, that's not me i think, so i have to find my own way and i have no idea how, that's why i'm so lost. I dont know, opinions more than welcome. 

Edit: one more thing, gaming in the morning and early in a day lowers my assertiveness. Makes me more passive overall etc.

Edited by Wonderer
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8 hours ago, Wonderer said:

First is, do I want to have a family life or do I want to explore the world, you cant have both. I want to drive trucks in Norway and Canada, this means learning Norwegian, I want to do farming in Czech and the USA, I wouldnt want to stay in a country for more than 3 years, this means i'd have to be laerning new languages all the time. In 10 or 20 years tractors and trucks will drive on their own, time to change the job, now if I want to make some good money I need better edjucation, this takes time... and so on. Besides that there is whole bunch of other countries where I would like to live for at least 6 months, so nomadic life style. The most difficult part is leaving everything I know behind, but i would live fulfilled life. Maybe.

I think this is possible to achieve. And honestly, looking at all the farms here in the USA, they all use old machines from 20+ years ago because all the new stuff is super expensive. I don't think you'd get everything being automated that fast. So I think you're fine there. If your dream was to work on a car assembly line I'd say yes, it's all going to be robots as soon as possible if not already there.

You might get tired of moving and settle in one country that you totally love. You might find something new fulfilling. You won't know until you try.

8 hours ago, Wonderer said:

the problem was that since I met the friend who we spent so much time together, my life got purpose, now that he comitted suicide, depression for 3 months, I wasnt even sure why, then i figured that out and now, well i'm figuring out that no matter what you do in this life you wont take it with you when you die, so what's the point of doing anything?

You already answered your question in this sentence. Technically, nothing really matters. The universe could be another living being and our planet could be a single cell that provides some sort of benefit to it from circling the sun. You have no idea. People have gone insane trying to think of our purpose in the universe because there's no list. 

But honestly, if there was a list, wouldn't you feel like a slave? If there was a higher power who gave a list of 5-15 reasons why humans and life exists then you'd feel trapped. You said your life gained purpose when you got a friend. You only had this friend for a short period of time, yet it was some of the happiest moments of your life. Humans aren't meant to be in isolation. It's important to recognize how good it feels being with other people, feeling the love of friendship, which you felt, and also feeling the love of family and a relationship. Those are things that will bring warmth and excitement to your life. It will give you purpose. You'll start to want to spend time with these people and they'll want to spend time with you. You might meet someone who wants to travel the world with you. There's a great video series on YouTube of this guy who sailed the world alone, met a woman in Sweden, and she wanted to join him. They've been traveling together for 15 years and have a child with them. 

The important thing is everyone faces this question multiple times in their life. At some point in your life you're going to realize your existence will end one day and there's nothing you can do about it. It invokes fear. It can be the most crippling of anxieties. I still have anxiety about it. Everyone does. It's like working so hard to be the captain of a boat only to have a wave crash the boat and you drown and you never know when the wave will come.

So you have to think about what YOU want out of this life. You aren't happy gaming and you especially aren't happy doing it alone. Nobody is. Why are multiplayer games more popular than single player games? Why are open world games more popular than closed concept games? 

We want to explore. You want to travel the world. We want love, companionship, and friendship. You are devastated after the loss of your friend. You're realizing how vulnerable you are. You now understand that if you fell in love with a partner and had a child, if you lost them then you'd feel worse than when your friend commit suicide. You already know that life is going to have tremendous pain.

The one thing I'll say is having regret is the most painful thing you'll ever experience in life. Because you realize one day you will never exist again. And when that day comes close you're going to wish you had more time to do things you wish you could have done, but didn't because you were gaming. You're on this website for a reason. You've read people's diaries and probably watched Cam's videos or listened to a podcast for a reason.

You're unhappy and possibly regret it.

Let's do a test:

Scenario 1:

Your deceased friend is still alive. It's 5 years ago. He's sitting down with a government agent. The agent tells your friend that he will commit suicide in 5 years. 


Do you think your friend would commit suicide still? Or do you think he'd want to live longer?

Scenario 2:

You are sitting 5 years in the future. You are currently in your second country doing trucking or farming. You've made friends around the country, have a romantic partner, and also learned to play an instrument or brew beer or some other group of hobbies in your spare time with your new friends. You think you've found a home and are really liking this third country (second country of your trip, but third including your home country). A government agent sits down with you and says you need to give up all of the world travels you've made, friends you've made, the romantic partner(s) you've encountered, all of the money you made, and life you've made. You now have to have a maxed out account on a popular MMORPG with no money, no friends, failing physical and mental health, decreased family relationships if any at all, and no prospects of a future.


If the government agent said you could choose one of those two lives, which would you choose?

I know I painted gaming in a dark light in scenario 2. There are people who have successful lives and play video games. But not all can do that. For people with escapism issues and addiction then they can't live this life and it's something you need to hammer into your head. You'll try going to the gym. After a while the gym gets boring. Then you'll speed up your exercises at the gym or find reasons not to go because video games are more exciting. You might learn how to cook, but after 2 months of eating the same food and seeing how long it takes to cook then you'll start getting lazier and eating pizza, soylent, and cereal because it takes 2 seconds to cook instead of making a wholesome meal. You like seeing friends are cookouts and stuff, but after 5 cookouts you get bored of seeing the same people, eating the same food, etc. Then you skip it to play games. Work is exciting at first because it's a new environment and you can make money. But work sucks and it's boring a lot of the time. Nobody loves their job. Nobody. It eats at them eventually. There's a reason Leonardo DiCaprio only makes like 1 movie every 2 years. It's exhausting. He loves making movies, but it can wear him out. Everyone does this.

I've seen some of my best friends with college degrees and dozens of friends give it all up to play MMORPGs and live alone in their parents basements. That's not a meme to live in a parent's basement. It's a sad life. Being a NEET is a choice, not a circumstance. No pity will ever come to you.

My Suggestions:

  1. Watch the anime "Welcome to The NHK"
    1. It's about a guy who is 22 or 24 years old and thinks about the same questions you have. He has no purpose. He never leaves his house, has no job, and his mother gives him money to stay alone in his house. He watches TV, plays games, and has no friends. He masturbates like crazy and is a pervert. He discovers the purpose of life and meets several people with their own problems throughout the show. It's eyeopening, frustrating, and enjoyable.
  2. I challenge you to pick up a few new hobbies. 
    1. When the hobbies get tough you're going to get pissed and want to stop because it's easier to play games. Think about how fast your mind is going to ask you to play video games once you get frustrated. That's when you'll see how bad the addiction is. You might already know how bad it is. 
  3. Write down a list of reasons why video games make you unhappy
  4. Write down a list of reasons why you play video games
  5. Write down a list of triggers that make you crave video games
  6. Compare those 3 lists and look for common themes.
  7. Compare your life to the life I quoted earlier in Scenario 2. Which would you rather have?
  8. Be fair to yourself. 
    1. I'm not going to say be easy on yourself. Sometimes you gotta fight for yourself and be a drill sergeant. I had to do that to become an engineer. Yes, I'm frustrated at how stressful my job is, but I make good money, live alone, have friends, have health insurance, have food, have hobbies, and have a purpose for most of my week by helping the company and helping America's infrastructure be safer so people don't die. It is thankless. I get more thank yous from people when I hold the door open for them. But some of the bridges I design carry 200k vehicles per day. I guarantee those thousands of people would thank me for not having the bridge collapse underneath them.
    2. Give yourself time to rest when you are stressed out
    3. Your body wants to exercise and feel adrenaline and move around. I challenge you to at least walk or stretch sometimes.
    4. Experiment with hobbies
      1. You already want to be a farmer. Maybe you can volunteer at a local farm. Farmers are poor and welcome volunteers. Ask if you can help 1-2 hours a week at first. They'll say yes. They don't care. They want your help. You might realize you hate farming or you might realize you love farming. My company volunteers at farms in our area and they BEG us to come back to help them to assist with harvests.

Good luck, be patient, and take your time. We have long lives if we want to have long lives. You can find different paths to any destination you want. Use your heart for guidance and use your brain for figuring out how to get there.

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  • 2 weeks later...

@BooksandTrees Sorry, no reply for a week, i've been busy... kind of, i'll explain everything.

Reply to the first quote, regarding farming, i ment more like a farm hand, just go around and help hen needed, as often as possible... I dont want my own farm, first of all it's bad business, I watched a video of a 70 year old farmer a weeka ago and in the comment section there was a comment, "farming is the only business where if you want to make a million dollars, you have to invest two million". So you, a farm hand, moving around, that way i'd get to meet a lot of people and so on... Where did you get car assembly line? o.O 

Second quote, 1. You know, the purpose of life, i think there is no purpose, it's random, you and me being here, it's random, however this is probably the hard fact, but there is a second part to it, you must create your own purpose, do what fulfills you, what makes you happy, so no purpose until you make your own purpose. We all die at some point, now you can go thru life, making other peoples lifes easier, or harder or just care about your ass and that's it. I think I love to help others, I'll explain more in the main part of this reply. This second quote is really good, I completely agree with you, I would just use different words.

Answer 1: I think he would do his best to avoid the suicide.

Answer 2: Nothing to think about there, you know my answer. However, I am at the point in my life, where escapism is not an option anymore, addiction, not really, i really have it under control. Examples, I started going to the gym, I researched and i'm still researching human body and mind and food plays a huge role here so, no worries there, I also like to cook. I live in a house, alone at the moment, so it takes me some time to take care of everything, keeping it clean, doing the laundry, cooking, mowing the backyard, taking care of the garden... and i'm not doing bad. I'm not doing gym at the moment, because I have a huge job at home, I have to make fire wood for the winter, now two weeks I was focused on getting other things done so I dont have them on my mind while i'm doing the big job, now i'm ready to start tomorrow most likely... so you see i'm doing the hell a lot of things and I want to do even more, but i'm running low on money, so next move for me is getting a job, asap.

About Suggestions, thank you but i'll skip the anime, at least for now, I am trying to spend less time behind the screens... maybe in the future.

Give me some time for the lists...

8.  1. I know, i'm cosidering joining an army for a year, just to grow a spine, it would make life after it easier.

     2. I started doing that, before I was like a hamster, the "go mode" always on... still a way to get tho, I hate being idle, but sometimes i guess we need that.

     3. Already doing that, i really want to get above average fit.

     4. I'd do that but around here we have only diary farms, I dislike mass production of meat and the way it is carried out, dont take me wrong now, I love meat, just those big farms they need to do the job the way it makes money and well, for example, claves are taken away from their mothers when they are born, there are reasons for that, probably the safety of the calves too, but i hate that, I love animals and mass production of meat removes the option of making a cows life as good as possible, compare cats or dogs quality of life to cows life, huge difference, all because of the money. Again i love meat and I will eat it for my whole life, but I cant wont work on a diary farm because if nothing else I'd like to make cows life better and I cant... that's why I support small farms. What I really like about farming is huge open fields of wheat, corn, soybeans, running the tractors etc.. But farmers here cant do that because of the terrain. 

With that i'll end my reply and add something to my journal, feel free to comment.


Ok, so I had 2 weeks to think about stuff and I came up with the hell a lot of i guess ideas and what not.

First of all, I dont regret a minute of gaming, I just dont like the way I did it, it was mostly just time killing and some escapism. I would do it all over again. I love each minute of the gaming i did. I do have some pretty good reasons too:

1. Where I live alcohol is part of many peoples lifes, I managed tp avoid that bullet, I drank with friends since we were 14 to 16 a lot, we carried it well too, but then I met the friend who commited suicide and I started to game more and more, so I removed myself from drinking, well played me. Also I didn't understand why i stutter, I didn't understand why I had my first depression when I had it, so I was in no position to figure everything out, so if it wouldnt be for gaming I'd abouse alcohol, I would fuel the drinking with my bad feelings, so I would end up being addicted, i bet my ass on that. That's a win if you ask me.

2. I met the friend who made my last 7 or 8 years of my life my best part of my life, gaming in the center of it, I stayed away from drinking and depression, maybe I didnt socialise as much as i could outside of gaming, but socialising while being drunk would do no good to me. My life felt normal or maybe even above average for the first time in my life, it's a win again.

3. If i wouldnt do gaming I would be in a far worst position now, back then I had no idea how our mind and body works I had no idea how the world works, after doing gaming for so long and after listening to hundreds of edjucational videos you youtube, all while gaming, I understand some things way better than most of the people, I'm also starting to understand why I am the way I am and how to change that, thanks to gaming, now you MMORPG, FPS guys probably dont understand that, well, let me give you an example how is this possible, farming simulator is what the name says, driving up and down the field, now you can listen to music while playing or you can find actualy good channels with good content on youtube and listen to that, same for some other games I play, also, time management is not such a problem, at least for me, I dont get lost in these games...

4. All in all gaming saved me, if i wouldnt do it honestly i'm not sure if i would be still alive, or maybe I would be and I'd be doing something I really like, but I'd have no idea that money is not happiness and I'd have no idea how good life can be, also if that would happen i'd have no need or wish to edjucate myself any further... now I went thru things, which made me think outside the box, made me research so many things, most of which people have no idea about, maybe because they dont even know those things exist or they dont find it important so they dont make the time for them... which is how most people live, working, watching tv and eating. I never did that and i never will.


Ok, so how did that help me, well this led me to a few other conclusions, I've been on auto pilot regarding my life for probably pretty much my whole life, i mean most of us are, only the people who actively try to better them selves arent, so i want to change that, working on that already, life goes by fast if you are on auto pilot, I really dont want that, also I'd hate to live without helping other people in one way or another, not sure how to get myself into that position, but I am going to get there. I am not quitting gaming, but! I want to make concious decisions about everything I do in my life, including gaming, so dedicate all the needed time do get something done, no more "oh I'm half done let's do something else", I aint doing that no more. For example I think I did well today, started the day with doing some laundry, while I was waiting for the machine to do it's thing I did gaming for an hour, then I put laundry out of the machine and I did one other thing aswell, went to the store to get cat food, came home, took some time to type this, once i'm done with that, i'm going to shave my head and beard and then i'm going for a walk, should be done with all of that by 3 or 4 in the afternoon, then i'll do 3 hours of gaming, in the evening I am going to eat out with a few friends, should take us around two hours maybe 3... the end of the day and not bad one, I am going to do everything I need and want to do today... there are two other things I could do but I can do them tomorrow, I dont want to rush anything... also the 3 hours of gaming in the afternoon, could be 3, could be one, I'd prefer 2-3 more than that doesnt really work for me anymore, anything I play I tend to end up at 2 max 3 hours at once... see and if i limit that to only gaming in the evening, i think I got here a pretty nice hobby.

One more thing I got to think how the suicide effected me and what I can do about it, I figured I'd like to create a gaming group with players from my country, the goal would be to connect players with gaming and then I would try to connect them in real life too, so it wouldnt be just about gaming, we could do few other things together too... the thinking behind it was that I could use gaming to connect people in a meaningful way, to create a group where people could do more than just game, exchange ideas, life experiences maybe even come to the point where we'd go eat out, or help each other do something in real life, or for example go hiking together... a healthy gaming community. But I dont think I can do it, not with the games which I play. So I decided to focus on my edjucation, this time on school not out of the box thinking, so I'm doing that, get the type of edjucation where i get to help people in one way or the other...

I could go on, cuz there is more, but it took me 2 hours to type that and I got things i still have to do today... so opinions? I know most of you go hardcore no gaming for life, but for me there are benefits in it and at the end it is life with no purpose until you decide what your life is going to be about... there hasn't been much normal about my life so far and while it was hard I still liked it and since I can handle gaming without it taking me too much of my free time and since I have goals outside of it, I will slightly change every aspect of my life but not too much... I would quit it if I could blame it for stuff going bad in my life, but at this point gaming didnt hurt me in any way, I learned a lot during past 8 years, i've grown a lot, especially during last two years. Now i'd hate being 40 years old if i would keep on playing the way I have, it would be a waste of life, but thanks to you guys and things going in my life the way they went and are going, I'm changing and I like where this is going. I dont like where I am right now, but step by step and I'll be out of that in no time. I know what i have to do, for the most part.

Edit: ended up playing 45 minutes before going out and 45 minutes before going to bed.

Edited by Wonderer
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Guys what do you think, should i go and put myself in as many stressful situations as possible? I think that being in a safe zone is making me soft/weak and to fix that I think i should do less of the safe zone. Opinions.

Regarding life and gaming and... well life is just like GTA isnt it? You got skills you could level up and a story to play, or you can just ignore all of it and just fool around and it doesnt make too much sense to fool around in GTA does it? At least for me... and if it doesnt make sense to fool around in a video game, how does it make sense to fool around in real life? But at the end it's all about having fun, so fooling around will get you only to some point, from this point on if you want to make sense of all of it you need to do more? I dont know just something I was thinking of the other day... I mean just like it doesnt make sense to kill NPCs in GTA all the time, it doesnt make sense to game all the time... in fact, would you play a video game in GTA? I know I wouldnt, too much to discover outside of it. It is probably the same with life, but then it's ot just gaming it's for the most things you do, if you do too much of X, you cant do Y... so life could be about the balance at the end too i guess. Interesting things to think about, and all that matters is your point of view...

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I think you've got a lot on your mind, like all of us. That's ok. You took some good steps in your first post. Once you start writing more in your diary I think you'll notice the size of the posts to decrease a bit as you start to find your path towards where you want to go. 

The first step is definitely getting that job you're mentioning. A job gives you a sense of purpose. Even if it's not your "Life purpose" it still gives you reason to do things and gets you back in the community. I was a cashier for 2 years. Nothing special about that job, right? But It got me out of my house, it got me interacting with hundreds of people each day, and it taught me how to develop my soft skills and changed me from being an introvert to an extrovert. I hated the job after a while, but that job helped me define my personality a bit more and I was able to find more of my identity.

So this small job that served an immediate purpose helped me define my life purpose by identifying my personality as a leader, talkative, hard working, and wanting to help people. It also gave me responsibility, work ethic, accountability, and pride. I think that's something that will help you no matter where you get a job. You'll meet new friends etc. I think you hit the nail on the head about a job and I'd suggest doing it.

Good job with the gym. I think you've got a lot of good habits started. It's just going through with the rest of them and finding that purpose again. I also think in times like you're experiencing it's easy to think too much about everything going on in your life. Once you get a job, start doing these activities and hobbies etc, you'll think less about all of this and think more about things at the present time.

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  • 1 month later...

I was Inactive for a month now, sorry bout it, but my mom died on 26 of july and well, what can I say, it wasnt nearly as hard on me as people expected, how or why I dont know, maybe because I kinda have a mindset that people just die and you can do nothing about it, which actually scares me. I am going to die too some day or maybe today, who knows and the main thing which I want in my life; more interactions with humas, wel I'm just not getting that and you know I hate it, today I had pretty good day and then something happened and as I was driving home, a though which I really dont like came into my head, "man, one day i'll just put a rope around my neck", dont take that wrong now, I hate to think like that, I dont think i'm capable of gonig thru with something like that... I just dont know, I keep going to the gym, my routine got messed up because I have to sort out a few things, plus I have to make firewood for the winter which is really timee consuming and I just cant get myself to do something that I would really like. I started to hate sleeping, sometimes I just wake up angry, mostly at me for not achieving more in my life and most of all, not having more interactions with other people, mostly woman actually... for the past years I can honestly say that the only thing that I actually loved was gaming, but not for gaming itself but because I got to talk to someone whenever I liked and it made me feel like a human, now I feel like an outsider... you know sometimes it just feels damn good to talk non sense, instead of important things, like, "can we just relax and stop stressing over life, most of all over things of which we cant do nothing about?". Nope! People these days just seem to like to talk about how bad everything is, the worst part, I rarely hear someone say what can he/she do about the thing that bothers him, nope, it's always others, he should do that, she should do that... I dont know man, just the hell a lot of angry or sad people who never even tried to think about the big picture and how they fit in, i'm not saying i'm not one of them, but while they are stuck I atleast know what I want and I'm trying to work towards it. I could go on...

Regarding my stuttering, I believe that I have a pretty bad social anxiety... I wont explain how or what, but let's just say that once I realised that, I started to work on that from that perspective and i'm learing the game, basically I am working on my breathing a lot, it shifts my focus from one thing to another which makes me overthing way less, the biggest problem is in social situations because I struggle to shift the focus, I focus too much on other peoples reaction, how they speak, etc., it just overwhelms me.

Regarding gaming, nothing new besides the fact which I metioned before, besides going to the gym everyday my routine is too messed up even for that... this week I dont know if I've spent 4 hours on my PC, I would like 4 hours every day, but I need to make firewood for the winter plus sorting out moms things and until im done with firewood I dont care about anything else, it just bothers me to have logs on our backyard waiting for me... I dislike forcing myself into it but i just want to be done with it, I need to get ready for an exam in school too and I dont have too much time... Right now I would just like 3 days of rain so I could focus on myself for a bit, to figure myself out, do some gaming on the side, go to the gym without having firewood running around in my head... all of this on my mind and then my body needs 8 hours of sleep, I fell like my mind just doesnt want to sleep while my body needs to and the fact that I could die tomorrow and everyday I'm just doing the things that need to get done and not even one thing I would like to do. Ofcourse I'm overthinking everything, so when i'm not making firewood i think about it. I hate it right now, there are moments when I dont even feel alive. Now if i think back, to younger me, "I will never be that guy, who isnt happy" I just get angry, it's not what I want for myself. Sure at a point i'll be done with firewood and things will most likely go back to normal, but yea... I wish I wouldnt have so much on my mind. Working on it tho, I want all of it back, with one upgrade, I want to work on myself more, like waaaay more. 

I dont know, does this make any sense to anyone of you? I hope, I didn't really had the time to really think what i'm typing about, just some things that go thru my head these days and what I dont like... hopefully I'll update in a week, since things are starting to normalise now.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm having pretty rough month and things are far from normal. I really want to change my life but i have no idea how, i really feel like i'm alone, i really feel like i dont fit anywhere. A few hours ago I decided i'd like to eat a pizza today so i went to order it,  while ordering I ended up stuttering every single word, when I got to my car I said out loud "just shoot me in the head please" and I really felt so bad, you know when you feel like you failed so badly at something you just want to dissapear? I felt like that way too many times in past 20 years, it went that far I figured my family must be ashamed of me. So I got the pizza, came home, ate it, went for a nap, ended up crying in bed... great! And I dont even have depression anymore at least not that I know of. I just feel lost and alone, I feel like I have so many more flaws than an average person. I dont know, I wonder how much does it take for me to accept suicide as an option, not that I like the idea or whatever, but I believe we all have some limit, once you get over it... I don't know, I'm scared of getting to that point. I'll be 25 years old in 5 months and gaming was the peak of my life, just because I won't accept myself, just because i'm scared. I feel pathetic. The people who try to be close to me I feel like they are here just because they feel bad for me.

Doesn't matter, to help me one would have to listen to me and why would someone do that for me? I probably can't even trust enough to believe that someone would just listen to me.


Regarding gaming, same as before, however i'm trying to limit it on the evenings, that way I get more things done during the day. Right now i'm searching for a job, just anything, gotta pay the bills, later i'll try to find something better.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Guys how do you know that you are normal? What defines normal? I am thinking a lot latelly, i did get out of depression but i still have bad days. I am thinking about why and how I came to where I am right now, turning 25 in a few months and there are some things I'd really like to change about myself, but the thing is I am scared and I have no one to "catch me if I fall".

Life "is" the ultimate video game, endless posibilities, you can do whatever you want and yet here we are a few thousand years after the first human, still running after women, trying to make as much money as possible, you know doing grown up men stuff, but for what, for who, does it even matter? I hate the fact that we cant disconnect from thinking with our nether regions, imagine being able to just think with your brain without your ding dong influencing your thoughts. How many times did you do something to get female attetion?

Why are we all aiming to have that perfect relationship, kids, a place we call home? It's human nature, just as it is the fact that we get distracted by women. Imagine being able to disconnect from that. 100% focus, perfect time management, doing what you love instead of what makes you look good (kinda). How much easier it would be to say no to bad things, so you could focus 100% on your health, on your mental wellbeing. In fact if we could disconnect from our ding dongs, I think we'd have a better world, no greed, no wars, no bad feelings, all focus on improving the human race.


I dont know just an idea that randomly walked into my brain... I might be wrong. Who can say what is right and what is wrong...

Oh, i tried journaling, I dont know what to write about, I always loved writing just not whatever... and my head seems to be full of whatever, but I dont know if it is actually whatever or is it something useful. I feel lost in my thoughts.

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One other thing, has anyone here ever really struggled to fit in? Like, I like to discuss stuff, get deep, but with most people I feel like this is not an option, I like to listen to people too, just you know, sit and listen... where do i fit in in this world? I really dont know, I am lost in more ways than just one.

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On 8/28/2020 at 2:07 PM, Wonderer said:

"can we just relax and stop stressing over life, most of all over things of which we cant do nothing about?". Nope! People these days just seem to like to talk about how bad everything is, the worst part, I rarely hear someone say what can he/she do about the thing that bothers him, nope, it's always others, he should do that, she should do that

Amen to that brother.

On 10/20/2020 at 2:40 PM, Wonderer said:

how do you know that you are normal? What defines normal?

I know that I am not normal because my old friends have told me so (sometimes politely, sometimes not), my sense of humour is darker than what is found by most to be acceptable and my values are different than most people. One value I believe is that the purpose of life is to fulfill your individual dharma.

Dharma = Destiny + Desire
Destiny = What God wants you to do.
Desire = What you want to do.

God can give us hints to what our Destiny is through prayer, meditation, significant dreams(they feel more important than regular dreams), and many other events. You've spoken about many desires like raising a family, travelling and working as a farm hand. As a man with a long ancestry of nomads, I consider travelling with family to be the historical norm while settling in a single location is an aberation. I'm sure you've met some husband-wife trucker couples on the road and maybe retirees or winterbirds in their RVs. How can these desires can be combined with your destiny? What order should you fulfill them in? Are there any desires you don't care about anymore? The answers will show up eventually.

I like to go deep with people too but sometimes that is inappropriate. It depends on the situation.

Edited by Bird By Bird
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@Bird By Bird I do agree on going deep.

Now Dharma is an iteresting thing to discuss and I would agree for the most part, however the God part, bothers me, definition of God varies from person to person, if you ask Yogi who or what is God you get one definition, if you ask Shaolin monk who or what is God you get different definition... it really depends. I'd say Destiny is the part of humans we don't really have a proof of it existing. However meditation opens a new doors in a way, call it destinity or something else, at the end, yes Dharma seems to be spot on. An interesting thing to explore some more, thanks.

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I think that when you boil it down, "normal" is just acting in a way that doesn't cause alarm in other people, lol. So you could say that we are normal most of the time but there are probably times in which we are not normal. Very few people are ever normal 24 hours a day, and those people are likely very boring in conversation. You write a lot about the deeper metaphysical quandaries of being human and that's what I enjoy thinking / talking about as well. Sadly, very few people in my immediate physical orbit are interested. I have one friend online who used to live near me but is out of state finishing a PhD; we talk a lot about philosophy and sometimes politics. He's extremely left-wing and I'm moderately right-wing so they're interesting discussions at least.

Looking forward to reading more. Congrats on everything you've done so far!

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  • 1 month later...

Didn't update in a month and a half.

I'd like to conclude "being normal", I too find normal to be boring and I think deep down I'm really not boring but I'm afraid to be me, which sucks, but I want to get there... moving on.

I found a job, it sucks. Plain and simple, the worst job I ever had, enough to pay the bills but beside that I get absolutelly nothing out of it. I am a mailman, I started to work 2 weeks ago, right now I work with more experienced mailman, he is teaching me everything I need to know. Fun thing is, I was sure this job would be good for me, dealing with people, usually mailmen here, start at 6 in the morning and are done by noon, so I figured it would be awesome for my school. I i'm trying to get better edjucation to be able to get better jobs and with this job, it isn't really going according to the plan. As it turns out the region in which they need me is pretty big, 380 houses and you just cant do it in less than 9 hours, 10 is still acceptable and this is without having any breaks, it's just work, work, work, not even one 10 minute break. As you probably can imagine, once I get home I am just out, but still I have to get some food from somewhere, the first two weeks I ate a lot of bad food, the type that makes people fat, now I want to get back to healthy. By the time I'm done eating and hopefully cooking (cooking is another plan), is 12 or 13 hours since I woke up, so there goes my whole day.

My plan when I took the job was, to be done with it by noon and then do school stuff or find a company which could use some help, so I'd kinda have two jobs, two incomes... Now I cant do that, I'm stuck working 10 hour days, for minimal wage and I only have time for school and maybe a second job during weekends, which sucks. The fact that I could do other jobs for better money with the same hours hurts aswell, as a truck driver for construction company I'd make at least 200€ more, which would help me in my position so so so much. Keep in mind that my mom died a few months and I got all the bills on me right now, so I cant just quit because I don't like it, I have to have bulletproof plan before I quit, I am my own backup. With minimal wage, 80% of what I earn is spent on just me living in a house, the 20% is backup if anything goes wrong. This means that in longish term I probably won't have the money to buy a newer car, just an example. I'd really like to buy new CPU aswell, this means that I need 500-700€ (motherboard, ram...) a year ago it would be a no brainer, now, risky as hell, i'd really like to start working on my own business aswell, 700-1500€ initial investment, I'd prefer to start tomorrow, I can't... See why it sucks? It actually feels like I'm stuck, I can't save up enough money to quit, I can't really make more money unless I spend the weekends working aswell, which i honestly think is the only way out of this at the same time I need to do the best I can at school. My plate is really full and if anything goes sideways, well, I adapt quickly and I don't mind a challenge but right now I really think that I don't need more of it. I think I got facebooked by life (hit with a book in my face). Oh one other things i'd love to do, read books, namely books on business, money and you know, the deeper stuff as @ceponatia said "metaphysical quandaries". Basically I want to get out of me everything I can, be the best version of me, I want to create stuff, create value and books could really help me here, in my opinion, books are really good souce of information, I'd like to start with 2 books per month, problem, money ofcourse.

So yea that's a quick update, maybe one more thing, my current job is so fast paced that during the 10 hours I don't get to think about all the things a care about, which is a big downer for me, I love to think and this has been in a way taken away from me. I'm a thinker not a speaker and if you take thinking away from me... let me just put it that way, that's when I start to resent and maybe even hate everything connected to the thing/person that took thinking away from me. So yea, I got a plan in a montion already, I am going to quit the job just not sure when, got to have another one lined up before I do that.


Edit: 2 other things I'd really like, get a psycho therapy and some gym equipment. A question, for anyone who might read this, I was thinking, since I'm so tired after work, should I sleep right after I get home and wake up in the middle of the night, the goal here would be to have full batteries and being able to do the things that I need to move forward. i'd go to sleep at around 16-17h (4-5 in the in the afternoon) and wake up at midnight- 1 in the morning, this would give me 4-5 hours, to have a normal meal, to fast for 24 hours, to do some shool stuff, maybe workout for a bit, maybe even start meditating and taking cold showers... all of this before work, there's no way i can do that after it, so i'm looking for a way to do something about it. Could that work? Or would my body just suffer?

Edited by Wonderer
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I think I figured out two things today, I love being creative and I like driving (knew that one before, I just kinda proved it to myself again). I am not really doing any of it at my new job, I do kinda drive, but I have to get out of the car 320 times in 8 hours, so it isnt much of a drive. For the creative part, it's almost the same every day and I'm not building/creating something, after a month or two it will become a routine and I will really start to dislike it then... There is only one thing I can do about it, change my route every day or so... I'm pretty sure I'll start doing that eventually... All the jobs where I got to be at least somewhat creative are the jobs I worked at for the longest, I worked alone, not one day was the same, I got a lot done and one thing I loved the most, I made a plan before I went to bed what I will do the first thing in the morning, the second, the third and so on, I had a boss, but they just chacked on my once or twice during the day or I went to check on them if I screwed up something, I had peace, I was able to get lost inside my head... yup, got to get back at something like that. I mean, it actually is a part of the plan I talked about in previous update, I just didn't know how important it is to me, I think I might be on the right path and I think that for the first time in my life I am aming at something that I have the motivation for and I know why I want it, like I really know why and there is a whole bunch of reasons not just one and I know what I'd do after achiving that, it's the first goal on the way towards the big goal, with many goals between the two.

Got my first salary at the job, mixed feelings, I know that it is a dead end job and i know that I can not let myself just wait each month to get paid, to wait my whole life for the weekends. The guy who is teaching me how to do the job right know, he just said today "thank god it's firday tomorrow", I hate when people think  like that, mind you, he will retire next year, so 40 years of "thank god it's friday"... working to survive, for 40 years, one chance at life and people choose "thank god it's friday" over figuring themselves out and at least trying to figure out what they can do to make the world a better place, do something man, don't just accept things as they are, figure things out, figure out how you fit in the picture... Dream big and don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it. The "big" depends on the perspective, but no one dreams of working just to survive.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Man I got to work for 3 days on my own last week, 11 hours every day and no way to deliever all the mail and packages, no time to eat, no time to take a break, just 11 hours of running around delievering mail... I absolutelly hate it, it takes me a whole day, 11 hours of work without breaks,I leave home in the morning when it is still dark and I come home when it is already dark outside, I cook something, lay on the couch for hour and a half and i'm off to bed. This work took everything away from me, my hobbies, the good food I used to eat now I eat... well let's just say I got a few more kilos than before, I can't get any work for my school done, I can't go for a walk and the end of the day. It's wake up, eat, work, eat, sleep, as dry as it sounds, there is nothing more to my day. I am angry and dissapointed and I can't just quit right now, today I've been thinking about all of it for a whole day, I couldn't find one thing I like about the job, I took everything I care about away from me and then the boss at work keeps on asking me, how do I like it, I hate to lie, but man what can I do, telling what I really think would get me fired... honestly I don't even feel like I care about anything anymore, exception being my cats, but besides that, I I'm not getting to work on the things that could make my life easier in the future I'm not working on myself. I work to pay the bills and to buy some food, I can't look forward to anything before I find better job, which right now, would be any job... I probably won't update untill I find better job, cuz the only thing I can do is rant just like now... so yea. Merry cristmas and a happy new year guys.

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  • 1 month later...

Evening people! So i got a new job and in some ways it sucks even more than the previous one. I'm cutting steel, into blocks of all shapes and sizes, these blocks are then transported to tool shops, where guys on CNC machines make the final product. I absolutelly hate that job aswell, just the type of work, the hours, the drive every day. 2 shifts, 5.30-13.30 and from 14.00-22.00, the drive takes me 40 minutes in one direction, 65km, in miles that is around 45 i think. While working there I think I figured out what I want to do in my life, I want video games to stay in my life, but i want to take the whole think to a next level, i started learning Python and I'm going all the way, I want video games to be core of my life, I want to do more then just play them, I want to contribute to the gaming industry. I'm also looking into trucking again and for one reason, I could earn decent montly salary driving 3 days in a week and the reamining 4 I'd have plenty of energy to focus on Python, school, fitness, things that will help me in long term. Eventually I'm thinking of adding web developing to the mix aswell, but currenly the focus is on Python and school.

I also don't want to work directly for anyone anymore, with them as a partner, sure, but for, never again. I want to be able to earn decent money, eventually develop my own video game, also I like the flexibility of freelancing, if you want you can work 14 hours a day or just 6, I love morning walks aswell, I'll be able to own a dog and give him/her proper attetion, I'll be able to travel while working. It's perfect, it fits the life style I'd like to have, I'm just sorry I didn't came up with that earlier. I guess some things had to happen in my life to get me moving, namely my moms and best friends death. I can't maintain a house with normal salary, 600€ per month (average) for a single person to live in a house, my salary being just 200€ more than that, I mean I get double that total, but you get the point. Then you have to repair stuff around the house, 5000, 10000€ is nothing when it comes to that, but it is a lot when you can save up only 1200€ per year if everything goes as it should... it forces you to think outside the box, you just have to earn more. Another good point of view, you have two houses, one with you person in it and the other one with 4, total yearly income, if all the people involved are paid minimal allowed salary,  for the first house is 12000€ per year, for the second one, 4 person in the house is 46.000€, who do you think is going to have nicer house and cars and more free time? (example for Slovenia)

So I did a lot of math and just working for someone else, i can't maintain the house, I'll have hard time replacing cars and so on, if i get fired, all eggs in one basket, I'm screwed and I don't like to playing with fire. So, the only thing that makes sense is to learn things which I find interesting, at first I said, welding is something I can learn, then I can learn about hidraulics and I can learn to build for example farming equipment, or maybe fitness quipment, there are plenty of options, but I'm the most interested in farming implements. But after some time, I figured, man gaming has been completelly out of my life for the last two months, I really don't like that, I'd like it to be bigger part of my life. So what can I do about that I asked myself. The answer is kinda abvious, but I was thinking for a different perspective, I need to earn money, I need to be able to do one thing for more than 8 hours at a time, working from home would be nice, having adjustable schedual would be nice and since I hate having split focus, I'd like it to be something that I can do all the time and i'm passionate about, I was randomly thinking about that stuff and, I've spent last 10 years on video games, if I could I'd do it all over again, I am pretty sure I was never addicted so why not make something more out of it. Beside that, I love to learn new languages and if programing languages are anything like the languages which we speak this could work really well for me. Also I did work on CNC milling machines and what I liked the most about that job was setting up the machine and setting up a program. In school this is something I had no problems with it aswell, but it get's boring after some time. So starting to learn Python is probably my best decision in the last 10 years, i find it fun to be honest and I'm slowly starting to understand how video games work and I find it fascinating as hell. I just like to figuring out how things work, how things are connected, what makes things work... and so far programing seems to be all about making things work, figuring out new stuff.

Other things I'm working on; I'm working on a descent daily routine, firstly, I wanted to do the hell a lot of self improving things, meditation, working out, journaling, eaing healthy, going for walks and taking care of the house, my cats and school, as you can imagine it was and overkill. So I decided to remove everything out of my life and start again, it went like that; 1. Job, 2. Eating healthy, 3. Journaling, after that school and gaming,  programing and gaming  or school and programing, now the plan is to squeeze walking and workingout inbetween these, not sure how, but it's the plan so, i'm doing it. Basically I'm doing really good, if I ignore the fact that I really hate going to work, making somebody elses dreams come true, but the plan is to break away from that too, so i'm doing that aswell, most likely in the next two months. I did some counting today, this is my 11th job in 5 years, and I actually worked for 3 years, 2 years of gaming out of 5. I don't regret it I, was free, the bad thing was I was broke. Now the plan is to be free and to give back and to have money. it seems like I just can't work for somebody else, I feel like I'm a property which somebody owns and most jobs get easy, so I get to feel braindead aswell. Today I got to work 15 minutes before my shift was supposed to start and I just sat in the car, thinking to myself, should I go to work or should I go home and learn programing, I was stuck on that for 10 minutes, sorta angry and sad at the same time, really intense feelings. Ended up getting out of the car and and walking into the factory, the moment I stepped inside, really bad anxiety and I felt like throwing up, later I got a headache aswell, so I ended up working for three hours and then I went home, I just wasn't fit to work, it's really easy to get injured if you are not careful, even killed on that job, the steel pieces and blocks go from a few kilos up to 25 tons, so I figured the best decision was to call it the day. As soon as I was 20km from the work, I slowly started feeling better, I regained some of the energy I lost before so I feel better now but yea... I just have to move in the direction I want, normal jobs don't work for me.


I hope I make sense, I'm really tired, a long update again, I think a lot and I am figuring out a lot of stuff, I'm learning new things aswell, so I could keep on typing. saturday evening I talked with a friend for 4 hours, he is a deep thinker aswell and very open minded, so when we get to talking we can't stop, we usually discus business, life, people, ideas, concepts, spirituality, woman... anything but a small talk.

That's it, I'll update when I'll have something newer going on. 🙂

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Hey sounds like a good idea to invest time in python and learn about programming. Don't think too much about choosing different languages and just stick with it. If your able to develop games/apps in python you learned a lot which is easily translated to different programming languages. The first one is the hardest so python is a really good choice. 

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  • 1 year later...

As  you can tell i'm really bad at journaling, I've been busy with life. Not here to update, at least not today, but I do have a question. I still game, I still believe i'm not addicted, my hours per day say so, I could game less but I also could game way more. I'm trying to learn website development, I'm at the phase of playing around with HTML and CSS, just so I understand things better and work faster, looking forward to Java Script in a few weeks. I'm also trying to get fit and lose weight, progress here as well. But I've been wondering for a year now, quitting gaming, how would that affect my life, I have so many interests in my life, a day could be 60 hours long and there would be still things I'd want to do, gaming being one of these things, but gaming is something neutral in my life, some days it is more on the negative side, some days on the positive. So as i try to improve myself, gaming really doesn't do much for me, if i play certain games i get to really relax, play around a bit etc., some games just cause more stress for me. I also quit my job to focus for a year, year and a half on me, learn something useful, maybe start my own business, get fit. I recognize now that for the past 10 years or so, I've been neglecting myself, it was good ten years I'd do it all over again, big part of that time was spent gaming, but it was about the people who I used to game with, not so much about gaming. Spending time with people, doing something. For the past two years, gaming solo, was... underwhelming, I wanted to fill some kind of void inside me, two best friends dying and stuff, leaved me kinda lost. Today I have 10 video game on my pc and i'm in no rush in playing any of them, having too much to choose from, makes it really hard to chose one and focus on it, but for me, it is the same with life. Getting fit, learning webdev and gaming, are 3 things I spend time on and there are days where I just can't get myself to do webdev stuff, I used youtube and netflix to procrastinate, successfully eliminated those, pretty happy about that. I rarely use gaming to procrastinate, when I do it makes me feel guilty and I really don't like the feeling. But still gaming takes 2-5 hours of my day, it's more like 2-4 but 5 happens every second week. But this is still time which I could use to work on my goals, real life goals,  but then working all the time doesn't sound really fun. I will probably try to go game-free really soon, just to try it, but I'd really like some other opinions here. In my opinion, less to choose from, means more focus on the few things I do choose and more success with those things, which is something I would really like right now.


David Goggins is probably one of the people who motivate me the most, I was bullied as a kid too, like a lot, started to stutter because of it now i stutter like a mother****er, but I had days and weeks in my life when I didn't stutter, it's about life style, mostly anxiety... i'm also overweight, i need to lose about 15kg. So i have 3 things in common with him, so I find it easy to relate to him, to who he used to be and just like him I want to quit being this version of me, I want to improve. But I don't want to go to his extremes, I just want to really do my best and put some serious work in me and the most optimal way to do it, as i see it right now, is to just do webdev and everything to improve my body and mind. All I have to do is stop gaming, or learn to put gaming last. Right now, yea i dont game a lot, but the days i screw up, I screw up when I decide to game in the morning, even if i'm done by noon. Now the thing is, I'm trying to come up with routine which would work for me. By now I know that getting up at 7 is the last time to get up if I want to do webdev, but it would be probably best to get up between 5 and 6, so i'm done with it by 11 or 12, because that's usually when I want to go outside, especially if it is sunny, I just can't be inside the house.


Sorry too much text again, as it is I spend most of my days alone so when I get a chance I go at it. I also did some personality type research and i'm pretty sure I am ESFP, which is opposite of what I was so sure I was. I was sure I am INTJ, well it turns out, ESFP when they don't feel well they tend to put a mask on, making them look like an INTJ. After 60 hours or so of reading about personality types, I'm pretty sure I am an ESFP.


TLDR; Still pretty sure I'm not addicted, but I'm not as focused on my life as I could be, so I'm thinking about giving quitting gaming a go, I want to have less choice when it comes to "what should I do today?" But i'm not sure about the whole thing, a part of why I get up in the morning is gaming as well, remove that, I'd have no reason to get up so early, because now the day would be long enough to do everything and be bored at the end of it. Which probably isn't even bad. However it is a huge change of lifestyle and a bit scary. At the same time maybe I feel like gaming is dragging me down, so by removing it I might put myself on the fast train to where I actually want to go. But doing that would leave me with all work and now fun, because my social life at the moment is sub zero and being an extrovert it could result in me being less motivated. Man this tldr, is actually better than the whole text above it... sorry about bad english and for being a bit all over the place.      


Edit: maybe one more thing, I took time to watch some Game Quitters youtube and it reminded me, I admire people who are able to focus on one or two things and do them really well, many movie characters have that kind of lifestyle in movies, in real life, I admire truckers, always at it, almost never stopping and some are proud of that, then you have people like David Goggins, he is so focused on his life, just listening to him makes you want to go to the gym, then you have successful people, going from one business idea to two, to owning 10 companies, making millions per year, then you have Yogis, practicing yoga and meditation like crazy, they are really good at it and they really seem like they have life figured out.


On the other side is me, not focused on anything, being distracted by everything. I think I'm starting today, first thing to get good at, no gaming before 5 or 6 in the evening, bedtime between 9 and 10, stop gaming at least one hour before bedtime. Second, wake up between 5 and 6, webdev until 11 or noon, third work on body and mind for at least 4 hours a day but after webdev. Fourth, do not f up.


So today I already f-ed up, it's 10.45 here, doing webdev for 75 minutes seems pointless now, I'm learing Flexbox, it's really useful, but not that easy to learn, so I need to take time. I'll just focus on body and mind today. I f-ed up webdev, but I haven't gamed yet today and I have no need to, more importantly I don't even want to. So, lose on the webdev, win on gaming and I still have time to win mind/body. I'll update in the evening, how the rest of the day went.


Update: so I did it, 80 minutes of gaming today. Pretty easy. I went for a longish walk, a 1 hour drive, watched a movie, worked out, I am off to bed in one hour, until then, I'll do some more workout and probably some yoga, maybe meditation too. I can see myself improving myself going that way. I had a lot of time to think about some things, as this is getting serious. How do people live without gaming? Like, I can't believe so many people doesn't work and they aren't making some serious money. For me gaming lately has been about projects, I get something I want to do in my mind and I try to get it done. Often it is hard, sometimes I don't even want to play just because I know it's big project I am working on. Without gaming in my life, 10-12 hours a day of work, seems like something really possible, not sure if I'll do that as I can't do anything for more than two hours without taking a break, even gaming. So yeah, in bed by 10, out of bet at 6, work till noon, that's the plan for tomorrow.

Anyway, I'll probably stick to some games, Farming simulator is one, I love to sing and while playing that game I get to sing a lot, plus I've always liked farming, grew up on a farm. So that's one, maybe one other game, but really not sure about that. I kinda like to be in the now and most of my games, I have to plan ahead too much. So it is possible that im cutting down to one game.

One thing that bothers me, I am very spontaneous person (ESFP) and if I can't get that from video games I need to find it somewhere else. I live Slovenia, Italy and Austria are pretty close, Germany is not too far, going for a 300km drive, out of the blue on tuesday morning I really like the idea of that and with gaming becoming that really small part of my life, I will really need something like that. Plus I need to get working on my hobbies, gaming is probably the only thing that was able to make me sit for hours, I hate to be still and doing repetitive things in non competitive environment (I had a lot of jobs and got to really see what fits me, so i'm not basing that statement off of gaming, best jobs I had were the ones that kept me on my toes). Honestly I don't know how this will work out, I am afraid for my money, fuel is not cheap, but being inside of a house without gaming, I dont even think that's possible for me. I mean, while typing this update, I got slightly bored and I inspected this forum (right click->inspect, that's dev tool and well, I can't make a forum yet...).

That's it for today, I'll make sure to update.

Edited by Wonderer
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Second day, no gaming in the morning, gaming allowed just in the evening. I'll make this quick, I just played for 2 hours and 20 minutes. It felt like it lacks depth, shallow. I dont know if this is just today or what, but man. I am confused. Period.


By now it became clear to me that im talking with myself here, so I'll probably stop soon.

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