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Wonderer

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  1. Second day, no gaming in the morning, gaming allowed just in the evening. I'll make this quick, I just played for 2 hours and 20 minutes. It felt like it lacks depth, shallow. I dont know if this is just today or what, but man. I am confused. Period. By now it became clear to me that im talking with myself here, so I'll probably stop soon.
  2. As you can tell i'm really bad at journaling, I've been busy with life. Not here to update, at least not today, but I do have a question. I still game, I still believe i'm not addicted, my hours per day say so, I could game less but I also could game way more. I'm trying to learn website development, I'm at the phase of playing around with HTML and CSS, just so I understand things better and work faster, looking forward to Java Script in a few weeks. I'm also trying to get fit and lose weight, progress here as well. But I've been wondering for a year now, quitting gaming, how would that affect my life, I have so many interests in my life, a day could be 60 hours long and there would be still things I'd want to do, gaming being one of these things, but gaming is something neutral in my life, some days it is more on the negative side, some days on the positive. So as i try to improve myself, gaming really doesn't do much for me, if i play certain games i get to really relax, play around a bit etc., some games just cause more stress for me. I also quit my job to focus for a year, year and a half on me, learn something useful, maybe start my own business, get fit. I recognize now that for the past 10 years or so, I've been neglecting myself, it was good ten years I'd do it all over again, big part of that time was spent gaming, but it was about the people who I used to game with, not so much about gaming. Spending time with people, doing something. For the past two years, gaming solo, was... underwhelming, I wanted to fill some kind of void inside me, two best friends dying and stuff, leaved me kinda lost. Today I have 10 video game on my pc and i'm in no rush in playing any of them, having too much to choose from, makes it really hard to chose one and focus on it, but for me, it is the same with life. Getting fit, learning webdev and gaming, are 3 things I spend time on and there are days where I just can't get myself to do webdev stuff, I used youtube and netflix to procrastinate, successfully eliminated those, pretty happy about that. I rarely use gaming to procrastinate, when I do it makes me feel guilty and I really don't like the feeling. But still gaming takes 2-5 hours of my day, it's more like 2-4 but 5 happens every second week. But this is still time which I could use to work on my goals, real life goals, but then working all the time doesn't sound really fun. I will probably try to go game-free really soon, just to try it, but I'd really like some other opinions here. In my opinion, less to choose from, means more focus on the few things I do choose and more success with those things, which is something I would really like right now. David Goggins is probably one of the people who motivate me the most, I was bullied as a kid too, like a lot, started to stutter because of it now i stutter like a mother****er, but I had days and weeks in my life when I didn't stutter, it's about life style, mostly anxiety... i'm also overweight, i need to lose about 15kg. So i have 3 things in common with him, so I find it easy to relate to him, to who he used to be and just like him I want to quit being this version of me, I want to improve. But I don't want to go to his extremes, I just want to really do my best and put some serious work in me and the most optimal way to do it, as i see it right now, is to just do webdev and everything to improve my body and mind. All I have to do is stop gaming, or learn to put gaming last. Right now, yea i dont game a lot, but the days i screw up, I screw up when I decide to game in the morning, even if i'm done by noon. Now the thing is, I'm trying to come up with routine which would work for me. By now I know that getting up at 7 is the last time to get up if I want to do webdev, but it would be probably best to get up between 5 and 6, so i'm done with it by 11 or 12, because that's usually when I want to go outside, especially if it is sunny, I just can't be inside the house. Sorry too much text again, as it is I spend most of my days alone so when I get a chance I go at it. I also did some personality type research and i'm pretty sure I am ESFP, which is opposite of what I was so sure I was. I was sure I am INTJ, well it turns out, ESFP when they don't feel well they tend to put a mask on, making them look like an INTJ. After 60 hours or so of reading about personality types, I'm pretty sure I am an ESFP. TLDR; Still pretty sure I'm not addicted, but I'm not as focused on my life as I could be, so I'm thinking about giving quitting gaming a go, I want to have less choice when it comes to "what should I do today?" But i'm not sure about the whole thing, a part of why I get up in the morning is gaming as well, remove that, I'd have no reason to get up so early, because now the day would be long enough to do everything and be bored at the end of it. Which probably isn't even bad. However it is a huge change of lifestyle and a bit scary. At the same time maybe I feel like gaming is dragging me down, so by removing it I might put myself on the fast train to where I actually want to go. But doing that would leave me with all work and now fun, because my social life at the moment is sub zero and being an extrovert it could result in me being less motivated. Man this tldr, is actually better than the whole text above it... sorry about bad english and for being a bit all over the place. Edit: maybe one more thing, I took time to watch some Game Quitters youtube and it reminded me, I admire people who are able to focus on one or two things and do them really well, many movie characters have that kind of lifestyle in movies, in real life, I admire truckers, always at it, almost never stopping and some are proud of that, then you have people like David Goggins, he is so focused on his life, just listening to him makes you want to go to the gym, then you have successful people, going from one business idea to two, to owning 10 companies, making millions per year, then you have Yogis, practicing yoga and meditation like crazy, they are really good at it and they really seem like they have life figured out. On the other side is me, not focused on anything, being distracted by everything. I think I'm starting today, first thing to get good at, no gaming before 5 or 6 in the evening, bedtime between 9 and 10, stop gaming at least one hour before bedtime. Second, wake up between 5 and 6, webdev until 11 or noon, third work on body and mind for at least 4 hours a day but after webdev. Fourth, do not f up. So today I already f-ed up, it's 10.45 here, doing webdev for 75 minutes seems pointless now, I'm learing Flexbox, it's really useful, but not that easy to learn, so I need to take time. I'll just focus on body and mind today. I f-ed up webdev, but I haven't gamed yet today and I have no need to, more importantly I don't even want to. So, lose on the webdev, win on gaming and I still have time to win mind/body. I'll update in the evening, how the rest of the day went. Update: so I did it, 80 minutes of gaming today. Pretty easy. I went for a longish walk, a 1 hour drive, watched a movie, worked out, I am off to bed in one hour, until then, I'll do some more workout and probably some yoga, maybe meditation too. I can see myself improving myself going that way. I had a lot of time to think about some things, as this is getting serious. How do people live without gaming? Like, I can't believe so many people doesn't work and they aren't making some serious money. For me gaming lately has been about projects, I get something I want to do in my mind and I try to get it done. Often it is hard, sometimes I don't even want to play just because I know it's big project I am working on. Without gaming in my life, 10-12 hours a day of work, seems like something really possible, not sure if I'll do that as I can't do anything for more than two hours without taking a break, even gaming. So yeah, in bed by 10, out of bet at 6, work till noon, that's the plan for tomorrow. Anyway, I'll probably stick to some games, Farming simulator is one, I love to sing and while playing that game I get to sing a lot, plus I've always liked farming, grew up on a farm. So that's one, maybe one other game, but really not sure about that. I kinda like to be in the now and most of my games, I have to plan ahead too much. So it is possible that im cutting down to one game. One thing that bothers me, I am very spontaneous person (ESFP) and if I can't get that from video games I need to find it somewhere else. I live Slovenia, Italy and Austria are pretty close, Germany is not too far, going for a 300km drive, out of the blue on tuesday morning I really like the idea of that and with gaming becoming that really small part of my life, I will really need something like that. Plus I need to get working on my hobbies, gaming is probably the only thing that was able to make me sit for hours, I hate to be still and doing repetitive things in non competitive environment (I had a lot of jobs and got to really see what fits me, so i'm not basing that statement off of gaming, best jobs I had were the ones that kept me on my toes). Honestly I don't know how this will work out, I am afraid for my money, fuel is not cheap, but being inside of a house without gaming, I dont even think that's possible for me. I mean, while typing this update, I got slightly bored and I inspected this forum (right click->inspect, that's dev tool and well, I can't make a forum yet...). That's it for today, I'll make sure to update.
  3. Evening people! So i got a new job and in some ways it sucks even more than the previous one. I'm cutting steel, into blocks of all shapes and sizes, these blocks are then transported to tool shops, where guys on CNC machines make the final product. I absolutelly hate that job aswell, just the type of work, the hours, the drive every day. 2 shifts, 5.30-13.30 and from 14.00-22.00, the drive takes me 40 minutes in one direction, 65km, in miles that is around 45 i think. While working there I think I figured out what I want to do in my life, I want video games to stay in my life, but i want to take the whole think to a next level, i started learning Python and I'm going all the way, I want video games to be core of my life, I want to do more then just play them, I want to contribute to the gaming industry. I'm also looking into trucking again and for one reason, I could earn decent montly salary driving 3 days in a week and the reamining 4 I'd have plenty of energy to focus on Python, school, fitness, things that will help me in long term. Eventually I'm thinking of adding web developing to the mix aswell, but currenly the focus is on Python and school. I also don't want to work directly for anyone anymore, with them as a partner, sure, but for, never again. I want to be able to earn decent money, eventually develop my own video game, also I like the flexibility of freelancing, if you want you can work 14 hours a day or just 6, I love morning walks aswell, I'll be able to own a dog and give him/her proper attetion, I'll be able to travel while working. It's perfect, it fits the life style I'd like to have, I'm just sorry I didn't came up with that earlier. I guess some things had to happen in my life to get me moving, namely my moms and best friends death. I can't maintain a house with normal salary, 600€ per month (average) for a single person to live in a house, my salary being just 200€ more than that, I mean I get double that total, but you get the point. Then you have to repair stuff around the house, 5000, 10000€ is nothing when it comes to that, but it is a lot when you can save up only 1200€ per year if everything goes as it should... it forces you to think outside the box, you just have to earn more. Another good point of view, you have two houses, one with you person in it and the other one with 4, total yearly income, if all the people involved are paid minimal allowed salary, for the first house is 12000€ per year, for the second one, 4 person in the house is 46.000€, who do you think is going to have nicer house and cars and more free time? (example for Slovenia) So I did a lot of math and just working for someone else, i can't maintain the house, I'll have hard time replacing cars and so on, if i get fired, all eggs in one basket, I'm screwed and I don't like to playing with fire. So, the only thing that makes sense is to learn things which I find interesting, at first I said, welding is something I can learn, then I can learn about hidraulics and I can learn to build for example farming equipment, or maybe fitness quipment, there are plenty of options, but I'm the most interested in farming implements. But after some time, I figured, man gaming has been completelly out of my life for the last two months, I really don't like that, I'd like it to be bigger part of my life. So what can I do about that I asked myself. The answer is kinda abvious, but I was thinking for a different perspective, I need to earn money, I need to be able to do one thing for more than 8 hours at a time, working from home would be nice, having adjustable schedual would be nice and since I hate having split focus, I'd like it to be something that I can do all the time and i'm passionate about, I was randomly thinking about that stuff and, I've spent last 10 years on video games, if I could I'd do it all over again, I am pretty sure I was never addicted so why not make something more out of it. Beside that, I love to learn new languages and if programing languages are anything like the languages which we speak this could work really well for me. Also I did work on CNC milling machines and what I liked the most about that job was setting up the machine and setting up a program. In school this is something I had no problems with it aswell, but it get's boring after some time. So starting to learn Python is probably my best decision in the last 10 years, i find it fun to be honest and I'm slowly starting to understand how video games work and I find it fascinating as hell. I just like to figuring out how things work, how things are connected, what makes things work... and so far programing seems to be all about making things work, figuring out new stuff. Other things I'm working on; I'm working on a descent daily routine, firstly, I wanted to do the hell a lot of self improving things, meditation, working out, journaling, eaing healthy, going for walks and taking care of the house, my cats and school, as you can imagine it was and overkill. So I decided to remove everything out of my life and start again, it went like that; 1. Job, 2. Eating healthy, 3. Journaling, after that school and gaming, programing and gaming or school and programing, now the plan is to squeeze walking and workingout inbetween these, not sure how, but it's the plan so, i'm doing it. Basically I'm doing really good, if I ignore the fact that I really hate going to work, making somebody elses dreams come true, but the plan is to break away from that too, so i'm doing that aswell, most likely in the next two months. I did some counting today, this is my 11th job in 5 years, and I actually worked for 3 years, 2 years of gaming out of 5. I don't regret it I, was free, the bad thing was I was broke. Now the plan is to be free and to give back and to have money. it seems like I just can't work for somebody else, I feel like I'm a property which somebody owns and most jobs get easy, so I get to feel braindead aswell. Today I got to work 15 minutes before my shift was supposed to start and I just sat in the car, thinking to myself, should I go to work or should I go home and learn programing, I was stuck on that for 10 minutes, sorta angry and sad at the same time, really intense feelings. Ended up getting out of the car and and walking into the factory, the moment I stepped inside, really bad anxiety and I felt like throwing up, later I got a headache aswell, so I ended up working for three hours and then I went home, I just wasn't fit to work, it's really easy to get injured if you are not careful, even killed on that job, the steel pieces and blocks go from a few kilos up to 25 tons, so I figured the best decision was to call it the day. As soon as I was 20km from the work, I slowly started feeling better, I regained some of the energy I lost before so I feel better now but yea... I just have to move in the direction I want, normal jobs don't work for me. I hope I make sense, I'm really tired, a long update again, I think a lot and I am figuring out a lot of stuff, I'm learning new things aswell, so I could keep on typing. saturday evening I talked with a friend for 4 hours, he is a deep thinker aswell and very open minded, so when we get to talking we can't stop, we usually discus business, life, people, ideas, concepts, spirituality, woman... anything but a small talk. That's it, I'll update when I'll have something newer going on. 🙂
  4. Man I got to work for 3 days on my own last week, 11 hours every day and no way to deliever all the mail and packages, no time to eat, no time to take a break, just 11 hours of running around delievering mail... I absolutelly hate it, it takes me a whole day, 11 hours of work without breaks,I leave home in the morning when it is still dark and I come home when it is already dark outside, I cook something, lay on the couch for hour and a half and i'm off to bed. This work took everything away from me, my hobbies, the good food I used to eat now I eat... well let's just say I got a few more kilos than before, I can't get any work for my school done, I can't go for a walk and the end of the day. It's wake up, eat, work, eat, sleep, as dry as it sounds, there is nothing more to my day. I am angry and dissapointed and I can't just quit right now, today I've been thinking about all of it for a whole day, I couldn't find one thing I like about the job, I took everything I care about away from me and then the boss at work keeps on asking me, how do I like it, I hate to lie, but man what can I do, telling what I really think would get me fired... honestly I don't even feel like I care about anything anymore, exception being my cats, but besides that, I I'm not getting to work on the things that could make my life easier in the future I'm not working on myself. I work to pay the bills and to buy some food, I can't look forward to anything before I find better job, which right now, would be any job... I probably won't update untill I find better job, cuz the only thing I can do is rant just like now... so yea. Merry cristmas and a happy new year guys.
  5. I think I figured out two things today, I love being creative and I like driving (knew that one before, I just kinda proved it to myself again). I am not really doing any of it at my new job, I do kinda drive, but I have to get out of the car 320 times in 8 hours, so it isnt much of a drive. For the creative part, it's almost the same every day and I'm not building/creating something, after a month or two it will become a routine and I will really start to dislike it then... There is only one thing I can do about it, change my route every day or so... I'm pretty sure I'll start doing that eventually... All the jobs where I got to be at least somewhat creative are the jobs I worked at for the longest, I worked alone, not one day was the same, I got a lot done and one thing I loved the most, I made a plan before I went to bed what I will do the first thing in the morning, the second, the third and so on, I had a boss, but they just chacked on my once or twice during the day or I went to check on them if I screwed up something, I had peace, I was able to get lost inside my head... yup, got to get back at something like that. I mean, it actually is a part of the plan I talked about in previous update, I just didn't know how important it is to me, I think I might be on the right path and I think that for the first time in my life I am aming at something that I have the motivation for and I know why I want it, like I really know why and there is a whole bunch of reasons not just one and I know what I'd do after achiving that, it's the first goal on the way towards the big goal, with many goals between the two. Got my first salary at the job, mixed feelings, I know that it is a dead end job and i know that I can not let myself just wait each month to get paid, to wait my whole life for the weekends. The guy who is teaching me how to do the job right know, he just said today "thank god it's firday tomorrow", I hate when people think like that, mind you, he will retire next year, so 40 years of "thank god it's friday"... working to survive, for 40 years, one chance at life and people choose "thank god it's friday" over figuring themselves out and at least trying to figure out what they can do to make the world a better place, do something man, don't just accept things as they are, figure things out, figure out how you fit in the picture... Dream big and don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it. The "big" depends on the perspective, but no one dreams of working just to survive.
  6. Didn't update in a month and a half. I'd like to conclude "being normal", I too find normal to be boring and I think deep down I'm really not boring but I'm afraid to be me, which sucks, but I want to get there... moving on. I found a job, it sucks. Plain and simple, the worst job I ever had, enough to pay the bills but beside that I get absolutelly nothing out of it. I am a mailman, I started to work 2 weeks ago, right now I work with more experienced mailman, he is teaching me everything I need to know. Fun thing is, I was sure this job would be good for me, dealing with people, usually mailmen here, start at 6 in the morning and are done by noon, so I figured it would be awesome for my school. I i'm trying to get better edjucation to be able to get better jobs and with this job, it isn't really going according to the plan. As it turns out the region in which they need me is pretty big, 380 houses and you just cant do it in less than 9 hours, 10 is still acceptable and this is without having any breaks, it's just work, work, work, not even one 10 minute break. As you probably can imagine, once I get home I am just out, but still I have to get some food from somewhere, the first two weeks I ate a lot of bad food, the type that makes people fat, now I want to get back to healthy. By the time I'm done eating and hopefully cooking (cooking is another plan), is 12 or 13 hours since I woke up, so there goes my whole day. My plan when I took the job was, to be done with it by noon and then do school stuff or find a company which could use some help, so I'd kinda have two jobs, two incomes... Now I cant do that, I'm stuck working 10 hour days, for minimal wage and I only have time for school and maybe a second job during weekends, which sucks. The fact that I could do other jobs for better money with the same hours hurts aswell, as a truck driver for construction company I'd make at least 200€ more, which would help me in my position so so so much. Keep in mind that my mom died a few months and I got all the bills on me right now, so I cant just quit because I don't like it, I have to have bulletproof plan before I quit, I am my own backup. With minimal wage, 80% of what I earn is spent on just me living in a house, the 20% is backup if anything goes wrong. This means that in longish term I probably won't have the money to buy a newer car, just an example. I'd really like to buy new CPU aswell, this means that I need 500-700€ (motherboard, ram...) a year ago it would be a no brainer, now, risky as hell, i'd really like to start working on my own business aswell, 700-1500€ initial investment, I'd prefer to start tomorrow, I can't... See why it sucks? It actually feels like I'm stuck, I can't save up enough money to quit, I can't really make more money unless I spend the weekends working aswell, which i honestly think is the only way out of this at the same time I need to do the best I can at school. My plate is really full and if anything goes sideways, well, I adapt quickly and I don't mind a challenge but right now I really think that I don't need more of it. I think I got facebooked by life (hit with a book in my face). Oh one other things i'd love to do, read books, namely books on business, money and you know, the deeper stuff as @ceponatia said "metaphysical quandaries". Basically I want to get out of me everything I can, be the best version of me, I want to create stuff, create value and books could really help me here, in my opinion, books are really good souce of information, I'd like to start with 2 books per month, problem, money ofcourse. So yea that's a quick update, maybe one more thing, my current job is so fast paced that during the 10 hours I don't get to think about all the things a care about, which is a big downer for me, I love to think and this has been in a way taken away from me. I'm a thinker not a speaker and if you take thinking away from me... let me just put it that way, that's when I start to resent and maybe even hate everything connected to the thing/person that took thinking away from me. So yea, I got a plan in a montion already, I am going to quit the job just not sure when, got to have another one lined up before I do that. Edit: 2 other things I'd really like, get a psycho therapy and some gym equipment. A question, for anyone who might read this, I was thinking, since I'm so tired after work, should I sleep right after I get home and wake up in the middle of the night, the goal here would be to have full batteries and being able to do the things that I need to move forward. i'd go to sleep at around 16-17h (4-5 in the in the afternoon) and wake up at midnight- 1 in the morning, this would give me 4-5 hours, to have a normal meal, to fast for 24 hours, to do some shool stuff, maybe workout for a bit, maybe even start meditating and taking cold showers... all of this before work, there's no way i can do that after it, so i'm looking for a way to do something about it. Could that work? Or would my body just suffer?
  7. @Bird By Bird I do agree on going deep. Now Dharma is an iteresting thing to discuss and I would agree for the most part, however the God part, bothers me, definition of God varies from person to person, if you ask Yogi who or what is God you get one definition, if you ask Shaolin monk who or what is God you get different definition... it really depends. I'd say Destiny is the part of humans we don't really have a proof of it existing. However meditation opens a new doors in a way, call it destinity or something else, at the end, yes Dharma seems to be spot on. An interesting thing to explore some more, thanks.
  8. One other thing, has anyone here ever really struggled to fit in? Like, I like to discuss stuff, get deep, but with most people I feel like this is not an option, I like to listen to people too, just you know, sit and listen... where do i fit in in this world? I really dont know, I am lost in more ways than just one.
  9. Guys how do you know that you are normal? What defines normal? I am thinking a lot latelly, i did get out of depression but i still have bad days. I am thinking about why and how I came to where I am right now, turning 25 in a few months and there are some things I'd really like to change about myself, but the thing is I am scared and I have no one to "catch me if I fall". Life "is" the ultimate video game, endless posibilities, you can do whatever you want and yet here we are a few thousand years after the first human, still running after women, trying to make as much money as possible, you know doing grown up men stuff, but for what, for who, does it even matter? I hate the fact that we cant disconnect from thinking with our nether regions, imagine being able to just think with your brain without your ding dong influencing your thoughts. How many times did you do something to get female attetion? Why are we all aiming to have that perfect relationship, kids, a place we call home? It's human nature, just as it is the fact that we get distracted by women. Imagine being able to disconnect from that. 100% focus, perfect time management, doing what you love instead of what makes you look good (kinda). How much easier it would be to say no to bad things, so you could focus 100% on your health, on your mental wellbeing. In fact if we could disconnect from our ding dongs, I think we'd have a better world, no greed, no wars, no bad feelings, all focus on improving the human race. I dont know just an idea that randomly walked into my brain... I might be wrong. Who can say what is right and what is wrong... Oh, i tried journaling, I dont know what to write about, I always loved writing just not whatever... and my head seems to be full of whatever, but I dont know if it is actually whatever or is it something useful. I feel lost in my thoughts.
  10. I'm having pretty rough month and things are far from normal. I really want to change my life but i have no idea how, i really feel like i'm alone, i really feel like i dont fit anywhere. A few hours ago I decided i'd like to eat a pizza today so i went to order it, while ordering I ended up stuttering every single word, when I got to my car I said out loud "just shoot me in the head please" and I really felt so bad, you know when you feel like you failed so badly at something you just want to dissapear? I felt like that way too many times in past 20 years, it went that far I figured my family must be ashamed of me. So I got the pizza, came home, ate it, went for a nap, ended up crying in bed... great! And I dont even have depression anymore at least not that I know of. I just feel lost and alone, I feel like I have so many more flaws than an average person. I dont know, I wonder how much does it take for me to accept suicide as an option, not that I like the idea or whatever, but I believe we all have some limit, once you get over it... I don't know, I'm scared of getting to that point. I'll be 25 years old in 5 months and gaming was the peak of my life, just because I won't accept myself, just because i'm scared. I feel pathetic. The people who try to be close to me I feel like they are here just because they feel bad for me. Doesn't matter, to help me one would have to listen to me and why would someone do that for me? I probably can't even trust enough to believe that someone would just listen to me. Regarding gaming, same as before, however i'm trying to limit it on the evenings, that way I get more things done during the day. Right now i'm searching for a job, just anything, gotta pay the bills, later i'll try to find something better.
  11. I was Inactive for a month now, sorry bout it, but my mom died on 26 of july and well, what can I say, it wasnt nearly as hard on me as people expected, how or why I dont know, maybe because I kinda have a mindset that people just die and you can do nothing about it, which actually scares me. I am going to die too some day or maybe today, who knows and the main thing which I want in my life; more interactions with humas, wel I'm just not getting that and you know I hate it, today I had pretty good day and then something happened and as I was driving home, a though which I really dont like came into my head, "man, one day i'll just put a rope around my neck", dont take that wrong now, I hate to think like that, I dont think i'm capable of gonig thru with something like that... I just dont know, I keep going to the gym, my routine got messed up because I have to sort out a few things, plus I have to make firewood for the winter which is really timee consuming and I just cant get myself to do something that I would really like. I started to hate sleeping, sometimes I just wake up angry, mostly at me for not achieving more in my life and most of all, not having more interactions with other people, mostly woman actually... for the past years I can honestly say that the only thing that I actually loved was gaming, but not for gaming itself but because I got to talk to someone whenever I liked and it made me feel like a human, now I feel like an outsider... you know sometimes it just feels damn good to talk non sense, instead of important things, like, "can we just relax and stop stressing over life, most of all over things of which we cant do nothing about?". Nope! People these days just seem to like to talk about how bad everything is, the worst part, I rarely hear someone say what can he/she do about the thing that bothers him, nope, it's always others, he should do that, she should do that... I dont know man, just the hell a lot of angry or sad people who never even tried to think about the big picture and how they fit in, i'm not saying i'm not one of them, but while they are stuck I atleast know what I want and I'm trying to work towards it. I could go on... Regarding my stuttering, I believe that I have a pretty bad social anxiety... I wont explain how or what, but let's just say that once I realised that, I started to work on that from that perspective and i'm learing the game, basically I am working on my breathing a lot, it shifts my focus from one thing to another which makes me overthing way less, the biggest problem is in social situations because I struggle to shift the focus, I focus too much on other peoples reaction, how they speak, etc., it just overwhelms me. Regarding gaming, nothing new besides the fact which I metioned before, besides going to the gym everyday my routine is too messed up even for that... this week I dont know if I've spent 4 hours on my PC, I would like 4 hours every day, but I need to make firewood for the winter plus sorting out moms things and until im done with firewood I dont care about anything else, it just bothers me to have logs on our backyard waiting for me... I dislike forcing myself into it but i just want to be done with it, I need to get ready for an exam in school too and I dont have too much time... Right now I would just like 3 days of rain so I could focus on myself for a bit, to figure myself out, do some gaming on the side, go to the gym without having firewood running around in my head... all of this on my mind and then my body needs 8 hours of sleep, I fell like my mind just doesnt want to sleep while my body needs to and the fact that I could die tomorrow and everyday I'm just doing the things that need to get done and not even one thing I would like to do. Ofcourse I'm overthinking everything, so when i'm not making firewood i think about it. I hate it right now, there are moments when I dont even feel alive. Now if i think back, to younger me, "I will never be that guy, who isnt happy" I just get angry, it's not what I want for myself. Sure at a point i'll be done with firewood and things will most likely go back to normal, but yea... I wish I wouldnt have so much on my mind. Working on it tho, I want all of it back, with one upgrade, I want to work on myself more, like waaaay more. I dont know, does this make any sense to anyone of you? I hope, I didn't really had the time to really think what i'm typing about, just some things that go thru my head these days and what I dont like... hopefully I'll update in a week, since things are starting to normalise now.
  12. @OptimisticMalcontentI see, and it makes sense, i'm trying to do journaling just for myself, every day 10 minutes, just to write down my thoughts, but right now my routine is seriously messed up. @Stanly Kwok I'd bet my ass that someone who is from another planet as no idea of the fact, if that is even possible so I can't answer to that question, however I am interested in spiritality, consciousness and business and how the world really works actually... If you would ask me who do i think I am, I would have to answer that I am a person who has no idea who he is or, is too afraid to say what he thinks he is... I mean after all, just because you think you are something (sexy, smart...) it doesnt mean that you actually are. Sorry for being inactive for a month, my mom died on 26 of july, my routine got totally messed up and right now nothing in my life feels normal... I just cant get myself to do anything that I really like, so even I started to hate sleeping and sometimes I just wake up angry, usually at myself.
  13. @OptimisticMalcontent Thank you, for theraphy i need money which i dont really have right now, so i just think a lot. But i know that at one point i'll have to do it.
  14. Guys what do you think, should i go and put myself in as many stressful situations as possible? I think that being in a safe zone is making me soft/weak and to fix that I think i should do less of the safe zone. Opinions. Regarding life and gaming and... well life is just like GTA isnt it? You got skills you could level up and a story to play, or you can just ignore all of it and just fool around and it doesnt make too much sense to fool around in GTA does it? At least for me... and if it doesnt make sense to fool around in a video game, how does it make sense to fool around in real life? But at the end it's all about having fun, so fooling around will get you only to some point, from this point on if you want to make sense of all of it you need to do more? I dont know just something I was thinking of the other day... I mean just like it doesnt make sense to kill NPCs in GTA all the time, it doesnt make sense to game all the time... in fact, would you play a video game in GTA? I know I wouldnt, too much to discover outside of it. It is probably the same with life, but then it's ot just gaming it's for the most things you do, if you do too much of X, you cant do Y... so life could be about the balance at the end too i guess. Interesting things to think about, and all that matters is your point of view...
  15. @BooksandTrees Sorry, no reply for a week, i've been busy... kind of, i'll explain everything. Reply to the first quote, regarding farming, i ment more like a farm hand, just go around and help hen needed, as often as possible... I dont want my own farm, first of all it's bad business, I watched a video of a 70 year old farmer a weeka ago and in the comment section there was a comment, "farming is the only business where if you want to make a million dollars, you have to invest two million". So you, a farm hand, moving around, that way i'd get to meet a lot of people and so on... Where did you get car assembly line? o.O Second quote, 1. You know, the purpose of life, i think there is no purpose, it's random, you and me being here, it's random, however this is probably the hard fact, but there is a second part to it, you must create your own purpose, do what fulfills you, what makes you happy, so no purpose until you make your own purpose. We all die at some point, now you can go thru life, making other peoples lifes easier, or harder or just care about your ass and that's it. I think I love to help others, I'll explain more in the main part of this reply. This second quote is really good, I completely agree with you, I would just use different words. Answer 1: I think he would do his best to avoid the suicide. Answer 2: Nothing to think about there, you know my answer. However, I am at the point in my life, where escapism is not an option anymore, addiction, not really, i really have it under control. Examples, I started going to the gym, I researched and i'm still researching human body and mind and food plays a huge role here so, no worries there, I also like to cook. I live in a house, alone at the moment, so it takes me some time to take care of everything, keeping it clean, doing the laundry, cooking, mowing the backyard, taking care of the garden... and i'm not doing bad. I'm not doing gym at the moment, because I have a huge job at home, I have to make fire wood for the winter, now two weeks I was focused on getting other things done so I dont have them on my mind while i'm doing the big job, now i'm ready to start tomorrow most likely... so you see i'm doing the hell a lot of things and I want to do even more, but i'm running low on money, so next move for me is getting a job, asap. About Suggestions, thank you but i'll skip the anime, at least for now, I am trying to spend less time behind the screens... maybe in the future. Give me some time for the lists... 8. 1. I know, i'm cosidering joining an army for a year, just to grow a spine, it would make life after it easier. 2. I started doing that, before I was like a hamster, the "go mode" always on... still a way to get tho, I hate being idle, but sometimes i guess we need that. 3. Already doing that, i really want to get above average fit. 4. I'd do that but around here we have only diary farms, I dislike mass production of meat and the way it is carried out, dont take me wrong now, I love meat, just those big farms they need to do the job the way it makes money and well, for example, claves are taken away from their mothers when they are born, there are reasons for that, probably the safety of the calves too, but i hate that, I love animals and mass production of meat removes the option of making a cows life as good as possible, compare cats or dogs quality of life to cows life, huge difference, all because of the money. Again i love meat and I will eat it for my whole life, but I cant wont work on a diary farm because if nothing else I'd like to make cows life better and I cant... that's why I support small farms. What I really like about farming is huge open fields of wheat, corn, soybeans, running the tractors etc.. But farmers here cant do that because of the terrain. With that i'll end my reply and add something to my journal, feel free to comment. Ok, so I had 2 weeks to think about stuff and I came up with the hell a lot of i guess ideas and what not. First of all, I dont regret a minute of gaming, I just dont like the way I did it, it was mostly just time killing and some escapism. I would do it all over again. I love each minute of the gaming i did. I do have some pretty good reasons too: 1. Where I live alcohol is part of many peoples lifes, I managed tp avoid that bullet, I drank with friends since we were 14 to 16 a lot, we carried it well too, but then I met the friend who commited suicide and I started to game more and more, so I removed myself from drinking, well played me. Also I didn't understand why i stutter, I didn't understand why I had my first depression when I had it, so I was in no position to figure everything out, so if it wouldnt be for gaming I'd abouse alcohol, I would fuel the drinking with my bad feelings, so I would end up being addicted, i bet my ass on that. That's a win if you ask me. 2. I met the friend who made my last 7 or 8 years of my life my best part of my life, gaming in the center of it, I stayed away from drinking and depression, maybe I didnt socialise as much as i could outside of gaming, but socialising while being drunk would do no good to me. My life felt normal or maybe even above average for the first time in my life, it's a win again. 3. If i wouldnt do gaming I would be in a far worst position now, back then I had no idea how our mind and body works I had no idea how the world works, after doing gaming for so long and after listening to hundreds of edjucational videos you youtube, all while gaming, I understand some things way better than most of the people, I'm also starting to understand why I am the way I am and how to change that, thanks to gaming, now you MMORPG, FPS guys probably dont understand that, well, let me give you an example how is this possible, farming simulator is what the name says, driving up and down the field, now you can listen to music while playing or you can find actualy good channels with good content on youtube and listen to that, same for some other games I play, also, time management is not such a problem, at least for me, I dont get lost in these games... 4. All in all gaming saved me, if i wouldnt do it honestly i'm not sure if i would be still alive, or maybe I would be and I'd be doing something I really like, but I'd have no idea that money is not happiness and I'd have no idea how good life can be, also if that would happen i'd have no need or wish to edjucate myself any further... now I went thru things, which made me think outside the box, made me research so many things, most of which people have no idea about, maybe because they dont even know those things exist or they dont find it important so they dont make the time for them... which is how most people live, working, watching tv and eating. I never did that and i never will. Ok, so how did that help me, well this led me to a few other conclusions, I've been on auto pilot regarding my life for probably pretty much my whole life, i mean most of us are, only the people who actively try to better them selves arent, so i want to change that, working on that already, life goes by fast if you are on auto pilot, I really dont want that, also I'd hate to live without helping other people in one way or another, not sure how to get myself into that position, but I am going to get there. I am not quitting gaming, but! I want to make concious decisions about everything I do in my life, including gaming, so dedicate all the needed time do get something done, no more "oh I'm half done let's do something else", I aint doing that no more. For example I think I did well today, started the day with doing some laundry, while I was waiting for the machine to do it's thing I did gaming for an hour, then I put laundry out of the machine and I did one other thing aswell, went to the store to get cat food, came home, took some time to type this, once i'm done with that, i'm going to shave my head and beard and then i'm going for a walk, should be done with all of that by 3 or 4 in the afternoon, then i'll do 3 hours of gaming, in the evening I am going to eat out with a few friends, should take us around two hours maybe 3... the end of the day and not bad one, I am going to do everything I need and want to do today... there are two other things I could do but I can do them tomorrow, I dont want to rush anything... also the 3 hours of gaming in the afternoon, could be 3, could be one, I'd prefer 2-3 more than that doesnt really work for me anymore, anything I play I tend to end up at 2 max 3 hours at once... see and if i limit that to only gaming in the evening, i think I got here a pretty nice hobby. One more thing I got to think how the suicide effected me and what I can do about it, I figured I'd like to create a gaming group with players from my country, the goal would be to connect players with gaming and then I would try to connect them in real life too, so it wouldnt be just about gaming, we could do few other things together too... the thinking behind it was that I could use gaming to connect people in a meaningful way, to create a group where people could do more than just game, exchange ideas, life experiences maybe even come to the point where we'd go eat out, or help each other do something in real life, or for example go hiking together... a healthy gaming community. But I dont think I can do it, not with the games which I play. So I decided to focus on my edjucation, this time on school not out of the box thinking, so I'm doing that, get the type of edjucation where i get to help people in one way or the other... I could go on, cuz there is more, but it took me 2 hours to type that and I got things i still have to do today... so opinions? I know most of you go hardcore no gaming for life, but for me there are benefits in it and at the end it is life with no purpose until you decide what your life is going to be about... there hasn't been much normal about my life so far and while it was hard I still liked it and since I can handle gaming without it taking me too much of my free time and since I have goals outside of it, I will slightly change every aspect of my life but not too much... I would quit it if I could blame it for stuff going bad in my life, but at this point gaming didnt hurt me in any way, I learned a lot during past 8 years, i've grown a lot, especially during last two years. Now i'd hate being 40 years old if i would keep on playing the way I have, it would be a waste of life, but thanks to you guys and things going in my life the way they went and are going, I'm changing and I like where this is going. I dont like where I am right now, but step by step and I'll be out of that in no time. I know what i have to do, for the most part. Edit: ended up playing 45 minutes before going out and 45 minutes before going to bed.