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Wonderer

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Everything posted by Wonderer

  1. Second day, no gaming in the morning, gaming allowed just in the evening. I'll make this quick, I just played for 2 hours and 20 minutes. It felt like it lacks depth, shallow. I dont know if this is just today or what, but man. I am confused. Period. By now it became clear to me that im talking with myself here, so I'll probably stop soon.
  2. As you can tell i'm really bad at journaling, I've been busy with life. Not here to update, at least not today, but I do have a question. I still game, I still believe i'm not addicted, my hours per day say so, I could game less but I also could game way more. I'm trying to learn website development, I'm at the phase of playing around with HTML and CSS, just so I understand things better and work faster, looking forward to Java Script in a few weeks. I'm also trying to get fit and lose weight, progress here as well. But I've been wondering for a year now, quitting gaming, how would that affect my life, I have so many interests in my life, a day could be 60 hours long and there would be still things I'd want to do, gaming being one of these things, but gaming is something neutral in my life, some days it is more on the negative side, some days on the positive. So as i try to improve myself, gaming really doesn't do much for me, if i play certain games i get to really relax, play around a bit etc., some games just cause more stress for me. I also quit my job to focus for a year, year and a half on me, learn something useful, maybe start my own business, get fit. I recognize now that for the past 10 years or so, I've been neglecting myself, it was good ten years I'd do it all over again, big part of that time was spent gaming, but it was about the people who I used to game with, not so much about gaming. Spending time with people, doing something. For the past two years, gaming solo, was... underwhelming, I wanted to fill some kind of void inside me, two best friends dying and stuff, leaved me kinda lost. Today I have 10 video game on my pc and i'm in no rush in playing any of them, having too much to choose from, makes it really hard to chose one and focus on it, but for me, it is the same with life. Getting fit, learning webdev and gaming, are 3 things I spend time on and there are days where I just can't get myself to do webdev stuff, I used youtube and netflix to procrastinate, successfully eliminated those, pretty happy about that. I rarely use gaming to procrastinate, when I do it makes me feel guilty and I really don't like the feeling. But still gaming takes 2-5 hours of my day, it's more like 2-4 but 5 happens every second week. But this is still time which I could use to work on my goals, real life goals, but then working all the time doesn't sound really fun. I will probably try to go game-free really soon, just to try it, but I'd really like some other opinions here. In my opinion, less to choose from, means more focus on the few things I do choose and more success with those things, which is something I would really like right now. David Goggins is probably one of the people who motivate me the most, I was bullied as a kid too, like a lot, started to stutter because of it now i stutter like a mother****er, but I had days and weeks in my life when I didn't stutter, it's about life style, mostly anxiety... i'm also overweight, i need to lose about 15kg. So i have 3 things in common with him, so I find it easy to relate to him, to who he used to be and just like him I want to quit being this version of me, I want to improve. But I don't want to go to his extremes, I just want to really do my best and put some serious work in me and the most optimal way to do it, as i see it right now, is to just do webdev and everything to improve my body and mind. All I have to do is stop gaming, or learn to put gaming last. Right now, yea i dont game a lot, but the days i screw up, I screw up when I decide to game in the morning, even if i'm done by noon. Now the thing is, I'm trying to come up with routine which would work for me. By now I know that getting up at 7 is the last time to get up if I want to do webdev, but it would be probably best to get up between 5 and 6, so i'm done with it by 11 or 12, because that's usually when I want to go outside, especially if it is sunny, I just can't be inside the house. Sorry too much text again, as it is I spend most of my days alone so when I get a chance I go at it. I also did some personality type research and i'm pretty sure I am ESFP, which is opposite of what I was so sure I was. I was sure I am INTJ, well it turns out, ESFP when they don't feel well they tend to put a mask on, making them look like an INTJ. After 60 hours or so of reading about personality types, I'm pretty sure I am an ESFP. TLDR; Still pretty sure I'm not addicted, but I'm not as focused on my life as I could be, so I'm thinking about giving quitting gaming a go, I want to have less choice when it comes to "what should I do today?" But i'm not sure about the whole thing, a part of why I get up in the morning is gaming as well, remove that, I'd have no reason to get up so early, because now the day would be long enough to do everything and be bored at the end of it. Which probably isn't even bad. However it is a huge change of lifestyle and a bit scary. At the same time maybe I feel like gaming is dragging me down, so by removing it I might put myself on the fast train to where I actually want to go. But doing that would leave me with all work and now fun, because my social life at the moment is sub zero and being an extrovert it could result in me being less motivated. Man this tldr, is actually better than the whole text above it... sorry about bad english and for being a bit all over the place. Edit: maybe one more thing, I took time to watch some Game Quitters youtube and it reminded me, I admire people who are able to focus on one or two things and do them really well, many movie characters have that kind of lifestyle in movies, in real life, I admire truckers, always at it, almost never stopping and some are proud of that, then you have people like David Goggins, he is so focused on his life, just listening to him makes you want to go to the gym, then you have successful people, going from one business idea to two, to owning 10 companies, making millions per year, then you have Yogis, practicing yoga and meditation like crazy, they are really good at it and they really seem like they have life figured out. On the other side is me, not focused on anything, being distracted by everything. I think I'm starting today, first thing to get good at, no gaming before 5 or 6 in the evening, bedtime between 9 and 10, stop gaming at least one hour before bedtime. Second, wake up between 5 and 6, webdev until 11 or noon, third work on body and mind for at least 4 hours a day but after webdev. Fourth, do not f up. So today I already f-ed up, it's 10.45 here, doing webdev for 75 minutes seems pointless now, I'm learing Flexbox, it's really useful, but not that easy to learn, so I need to take time. I'll just focus on body and mind today. I f-ed up webdev, but I haven't gamed yet today and I have no need to, more importantly I don't even want to. So, lose on the webdev, win on gaming and I still have time to win mind/body. I'll update in the evening, how the rest of the day went. Update: so I did it, 80 minutes of gaming today. Pretty easy. I went for a longish walk, a 1 hour drive, watched a movie, worked out, I am off to bed in one hour, until then, I'll do some more workout and probably some yoga, maybe meditation too. I can see myself improving myself going that way. I had a lot of time to think about some things, as this is getting serious. How do people live without gaming? Like, I can't believe so many people doesn't work and they aren't making some serious money. For me gaming lately has been about projects, I get something I want to do in my mind and I try to get it done. Often it is hard, sometimes I don't even want to play just because I know it's big project I am working on. Without gaming in my life, 10-12 hours a day of work, seems like something really possible, not sure if I'll do that as I can't do anything for more than two hours without taking a break, even gaming. So yeah, in bed by 10, out of bet at 6, work till noon, that's the plan for tomorrow. Anyway, I'll probably stick to some games, Farming simulator is one, I love to sing and while playing that game I get to sing a lot, plus I've always liked farming, grew up on a farm. So that's one, maybe one other game, but really not sure about that. I kinda like to be in the now and most of my games, I have to plan ahead too much. So it is possible that im cutting down to one game. One thing that bothers me, I am very spontaneous person (ESFP) and if I can't get that from video games I need to find it somewhere else. I live Slovenia, Italy and Austria are pretty close, Germany is not too far, going for a 300km drive, out of the blue on tuesday morning I really like the idea of that and with gaming becoming that really small part of my life, I will really need something like that. Plus I need to get working on my hobbies, gaming is probably the only thing that was able to make me sit for hours, I hate to be still and doing repetitive things in non competitive environment (I had a lot of jobs and got to really see what fits me, so i'm not basing that statement off of gaming, best jobs I had were the ones that kept me on my toes). Honestly I don't know how this will work out, I am afraid for my money, fuel is not cheap, but being inside of a house without gaming, I dont even think that's possible for me. I mean, while typing this update, I got slightly bored and I inspected this forum (right click->inspect, that's dev tool and well, I can't make a forum yet...). That's it for today, I'll make sure to update.
  3. Evening people! So i got a new job and in some ways it sucks even more than the previous one. I'm cutting steel, into blocks of all shapes and sizes, these blocks are then transported to tool shops, where guys on CNC machines make the final product. I absolutelly hate that job aswell, just the type of work, the hours, the drive every day. 2 shifts, 5.30-13.30 and from 14.00-22.00, the drive takes me 40 minutes in one direction, 65km, in miles that is around 45 i think. While working there I think I figured out what I want to do in my life, I want video games to stay in my life, but i want to take the whole think to a next level, i started learning Python and I'm going all the way, I want video games to be core of my life, I want to do more then just play them, I want to contribute to the gaming industry. I'm also looking into trucking again and for one reason, I could earn decent montly salary driving 3 days in a week and the reamining 4 I'd have plenty of energy to focus on Python, school, fitness, things that will help me in long term. Eventually I'm thinking of adding web developing to the mix aswell, but currenly the focus is on Python and school. I also don't want to work directly for anyone anymore, with them as a partner, sure, but for, never again. I want to be able to earn decent money, eventually develop my own video game, also I like the flexibility of freelancing, if you want you can work 14 hours a day or just 6, I love morning walks aswell, I'll be able to own a dog and give him/her proper attetion, I'll be able to travel while working. It's perfect, it fits the life style I'd like to have, I'm just sorry I didn't came up with that earlier. I guess some things had to happen in my life to get me moving, namely my moms and best friends death. I can't maintain a house with normal salary, 600€ per month (average) for a single person to live in a house, my salary being just 200€ more than that, I mean I get double that total, but you get the point. Then you have to repair stuff around the house, 5000, 10000€ is nothing when it comes to that, but it is a lot when you can save up only 1200€ per year if everything goes as it should... it forces you to think outside the box, you just have to earn more. Another good point of view, you have two houses, one with you person in it and the other one with 4, total yearly income, if all the people involved are paid minimal allowed salary, for the first house is 12000€ per year, for the second one, 4 person in the house is 46.000€, who do you think is going to have nicer house and cars and more free time? (example for Slovenia) So I did a lot of math and just working for someone else, i can't maintain the house, I'll have hard time replacing cars and so on, if i get fired, all eggs in one basket, I'm screwed and I don't like to playing with fire. So, the only thing that makes sense is to learn things which I find interesting, at first I said, welding is something I can learn, then I can learn about hidraulics and I can learn to build for example farming equipment, or maybe fitness quipment, there are plenty of options, but I'm the most interested in farming implements. But after some time, I figured, man gaming has been completelly out of my life for the last two months, I really don't like that, I'd like it to be bigger part of my life. So what can I do about that I asked myself. The answer is kinda abvious, but I was thinking for a different perspective, I need to earn money, I need to be able to do one thing for more than 8 hours at a time, working from home would be nice, having adjustable schedual would be nice and since I hate having split focus, I'd like it to be something that I can do all the time and i'm passionate about, I was randomly thinking about that stuff and, I've spent last 10 years on video games, if I could I'd do it all over again, I am pretty sure I was never addicted so why not make something more out of it. Beside that, I love to learn new languages and if programing languages are anything like the languages which we speak this could work really well for me. Also I did work on CNC milling machines and what I liked the most about that job was setting up the machine and setting up a program. In school this is something I had no problems with it aswell, but it get's boring after some time. So starting to learn Python is probably my best decision in the last 10 years, i find it fun to be honest and I'm slowly starting to understand how video games work and I find it fascinating as hell. I just like to figuring out how things work, how things are connected, what makes things work... and so far programing seems to be all about making things work, figuring out new stuff. Other things I'm working on; I'm working on a descent daily routine, firstly, I wanted to do the hell a lot of self improving things, meditation, working out, journaling, eaing healthy, going for walks and taking care of the house, my cats and school, as you can imagine it was and overkill. So I decided to remove everything out of my life and start again, it went like that; 1. Job, 2. Eating healthy, 3. Journaling, after that school and gaming, programing and gaming or school and programing, now the plan is to squeeze walking and workingout inbetween these, not sure how, but it's the plan so, i'm doing it. Basically I'm doing really good, if I ignore the fact that I really hate going to work, making somebody elses dreams come true, but the plan is to break away from that too, so i'm doing that aswell, most likely in the next two months. I did some counting today, this is my 11th job in 5 years, and I actually worked for 3 years, 2 years of gaming out of 5. I don't regret it I, was free, the bad thing was I was broke. Now the plan is to be free and to give back and to have money. it seems like I just can't work for somebody else, I feel like I'm a property which somebody owns and most jobs get easy, so I get to feel braindead aswell. Today I got to work 15 minutes before my shift was supposed to start and I just sat in the car, thinking to myself, should I go to work or should I go home and learn programing, I was stuck on that for 10 minutes, sorta angry and sad at the same time, really intense feelings. Ended up getting out of the car and and walking into the factory, the moment I stepped inside, really bad anxiety and I felt like throwing up, later I got a headache aswell, so I ended up working for three hours and then I went home, I just wasn't fit to work, it's really easy to get injured if you are not careful, even killed on that job, the steel pieces and blocks go from a few kilos up to 25 tons, so I figured the best decision was to call it the day. As soon as I was 20km from the work, I slowly started feeling better, I regained some of the energy I lost before so I feel better now but yea... I just have to move in the direction I want, normal jobs don't work for me. I hope I make sense, I'm really tired, a long update again, I think a lot and I am figuring out a lot of stuff, I'm learning new things aswell, so I could keep on typing. saturday evening I talked with a friend for 4 hours, he is a deep thinker aswell and very open minded, so when we get to talking we can't stop, we usually discus business, life, people, ideas, concepts, spirituality, woman... anything but a small talk. That's it, I'll update when I'll have something newer going on. 🙂
  4. Man I got to work for 3 days on my own last week, 11 hours every day and no way to deliever all the mail and packages, no time to eat, no time to take a break, just 11 hours of running around delievering mail... I absolutelly hate it, it takes me a whole day, 11 hours of work without breaks,I leave home in the morning when it is still dark and I come home when it is already dark outside, I cook something, lay on the couch for hour and a half and i'm off to bed. This work took everything away from me, my hobbies, the good food I used to eat now I eat... well let's just say I got a few more kilos than before, I can't get any work for my school done, I can't go for a walk and the end of the day. It's wake up, eat, work, eat, sleep, as dry as it sounds, there is nothing more to my day. I am angry and dissapointed and I can't just quit right now, today I've been thinking about all of it for a whole day, I couldn't find one thing I like about the job, I took everything I care about away from me and then the boss at work keeps on asking me, how do I like it, I hate to lie, but man what can I do, telling what I really think would get me fired... honestly I don't even feel like I care about anything anymore, exception being my cats, but besides that, I I'm not getting to work on the things that could make my life easier in the future I'm not working on myself. I work to pay the bills and to buy some food, I can't look forward to anything before I find better job, which right now, would be any job... I probably won't update untill I find better job, cuz the only thing I can do is rant just like now... so yea. Merry cristmas and a happy new year guys.
  5. I think I figured out two things today, I love being creative and I like driving (knew that one before, I just kinda proved it to myself again). I am not really doing any of it at my new job, I do kinda drive, but I have to get out of the car 320 times in 8 hours, so it isnt much of a drive. For the creative part, it's almost the same every day and I'm not building/creating something, after a month or two it will become a routine and I will really start to dislike it then... There is only one thing I can do about it, change my route every day or so... I'm pretty sure I'll start doing that eventually... All the jobs where I got to be at least somewhat creative are the jobs I worked at for the longest, I worked alone, not one day was the same, I got a lot done and one thing I loved the most, I made a plan before I went to bed what I will do the first thing in the morning, the second, the third and so on, I had a boss, but they just chacked on my once or twice during the day or I went to check on them if I screwed up something, I had peace, I was able to get lost inside my head... yup, got to get back at something like that. I mean, it actually is a part of the plan I talked about in previous update, I just didn't know how important it is to me, I think I might be on the right path and I think that for the first time in my life I am aming at something that I have the motivation for and I know why I want it, like I really know why and there is a whole bunch of reasons not just one and I know what I'd do after achiving that, it's the first goal on the way towards the big goal, with many goals between the two. Got my first salary at the job, mixed feelings, I know that it is a dead end job and i know that I can not let myself just wait each month to get paid, to wait my whole life for the weekends. The guy who is teaching me how to do the job right know, he just said today "thank god it's firday tomorrow", I hate when people think like that, mind you, he will retire next year, so 40 years of "thank god it's friday"... working to survive, for 40 years, one chance at life and people choose "thank god it's friday" over figuring themselves out and at least trying to figure out what they can do to make the world a better place, do something man, don't just accept things as they are, figure things out, figure out how you fit in the picture... Dream big and don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it. The "big" depends on the perspective, but no one dreams of working just to survive.
  6. Didn't update in a month and a half. I'd like to conclude "being normal", I too find normal to be boring and I think deep down I'm really not boring but I'm afraid to be me, which sucks, but I want to get there... moving on. I found a job, it sucks. Plain and simple, the worst job I ever had, enough to pay the bills but beside that I get absolutelly nothing out of it. I am a mailman, I started to work 2 weeks ago, right now I work with more experienced mailman, he is teaching me everything I need to know. Fun thing is, I was sure this job would be good for me, dealing with people, usually mailmen here, start at 6 in the morning and are done by noon, so I figured it would be awesome for my school. I i'm trying to get better edjucation to be able to get better jobs and with this job, it isn't really going according to the plan. As it turns out the region in which they need me is pretty big, 380 houses and you just cant do it in less than 9 hours, 10 is still acceptable and this is without having any breaks, it's just work, work, work, not even one 10 minute break. As you probably can imagine, once I get home I am just out, but still I have to get some food from somewhere, the first two weeks I ate a lot of bad food, the type that makes people fat, now I want to get back to healthy. By the time I'm done eating and hopefully cooking (cooking is another plan), is 12 or 13 hours since I woke up, so there goes my whole day. My plan when I took the job was, to be done with it by noon and then do school stuff or find a company which could use some help, so I'd kinda have two jobs, two incomes... Now I cant do that, I'm stuck working 10 hour days, for minimal wage and I only have time for school and maybe a second job during weekends, which sucks. The fact that I could do other jobs for better money with the same hours hurts aswell, as a truck driver for construction company I'd make at least 200€ more, which would help me in my position so so so much. Keep in mind that my mom died a few months and I got all the bills on me right now, so I cant just quit because I don't like it, I have to have bulletproof plan before I quit, I am my own backup. With minimal wage, 80% of what I earn is spent on just me living in a house, the 20% is backup if anything goes wrong. This means that in longish term I probably won't have the money to buy a newer car, just an example. I'd really like to buy new CPU aswell, this means that I need 500-700€ (motherboard, ram...) a year ago it would be a no brainer, now, risky as hell, i'd really like to start working on my own business aswell, 700-1500€ initial investment, I'd prefer to start tomorrow, I can't... See why it sucks? It actually feels like I'm stuck, I can't save up enough money to quit, I can't really make more money unless I spend the weekends working aswell, which i honestly think is the only way out of this at the same time I need to do the best I can at school. My plate is really full and if anything goes sideways, well, I adapt quickly and I don't mind a challenge but right now I really think that I don't need more of it. I think I got facebooked by life (hit with a book in my face). Oh one other things i'd love to do, read books, namely books on business, money and you know, the deeper stuff as @ceponatia said "metaphysical quandaries". Basically I want to get out of me everything I can, be the best version of me, I want to create stuff, create value and books could really help me here, in my opinion, books are really good souce of information, I'd like to start with 2 books per month, problem, money ofcourse. So yea that's a quick update, maybe one more thing, my current job is so fast paced that during the 10 hours I don't get to think about all the things a care about, which is a big downer for me, I love to think and this has been in a way taken away from me. I'm a thinker not a speaker and if you take thinking away from me... let me just put it that way, that's when I start to resent and maybe even hate everything connected to the thing/person that took thinking away from me. So yea, I got a plan in a montion already, I am going to quit the job just not sure when, got to have another one lined up before I do that. Edit: 2 other things I'd really like, get a psycho therapy and some gym equipment. A question, for anyone who might read this, I was thinking, since I'm so tired after work, should I sleep right after I get home and wake up in the middle of the night, the goal here would be to have full batteries and being able to do the things that I need to move forward. i'd go to sleep at around 16-17h (4-5 in the in the afternoon) and wake up at midnight- 1 in the morning, this would give me 4-5 hours, to have a normal meal, to fast for 24 hours, to do some shool stuff, maybe workout for a bit, maybe even start meditating and taking cold showers... all of this before work, there's no way i can do that after it, so i'm looking for a way to do something about it. Could that work? Or would my body just suffer?
  7. @Bird By Bird I do agree on going deep. Now Dharma is an iteresting thing to discuss and I would agree for the most part, however the God part, bothers me, definition of God varies from person to person, if you ask Yogi who or what is God you get one definition, if you ask Shaolin monk who or what is God you get different definition... it really depends. I'd say Destiny is the part of humans we don't really have a proof of it existing. However meditation opens a new doors in a way, call it destinity or something else, at the end, yes Dharma seems to be spot on. An interesting thing to explore some more, thanks.
  8. One other thing, has anyone here ever really struggled to fit in? Like, I like to discuss stuff, get deep, but with most people I feel like this is not an option, I like to listen to people too, just you know, sit and listen... where do i fit in in this world? I really dont know, I am lost in more ways than just one.
  9. Guys how do you know that you are normal? What defines normal? I am thinking a lot latelly, i did get out of depression but i still have bad days. I am thinking about why and how I came to where I am right now, turning 25 in a few months and there are some things I'd really like to change about myself, but the thing is I am scared and I have no one to "catch me if I fall". Life "is" the ultimate video game, endless posibilities, you can do whatever you want and yet here we are a few thousand years after the first human, still running after women, trying to make as much money as possible, you know doing grown up men stuff, but for what, for who, does it even matter? I hate the fact that we cant disconnect from thinking with our nether regions, imagine being able to just think with your brain without your ding dong influencing your thoughts. How many times did you do something to get female attetion? Why are we all aiming to have that perfect relationship, kids, a place we call home? It's human nature, just as it is the fact that we get distracted by women. Imagine being able to disconnect from that. 100% focus, perfect time management, doing what you love instead of what makes you look good (kinda). How much easier it would be to say no to bad things, so you could focus 100% on your health, on your mental wellbeing. In fact if we could disconnect from our ding dongs, I think we'd have a better world, no greed, no wars, no bad feelings, all focus on improving the human race. I dont know just an idea that randomly walked into my brain... I might be wrong. Who can say what is right and what is wrong... Oh, i tried journaling, I dont know what to write about, I always loved writing just not whatever... and my head seems to be full of whatever, but I dont know if it is actually whatever or is it something useful. I feel lost in my thoughts.
  10. I'm having pretty rough month and things are far from normal. I really want to change my life but i have no idea how, i really feel like i'm alone, i really feel like i dont fit anywhere. A few hours ago I decided i'd like to eat a pizza today so i went to order it, while ordering I ended up stuttering every single word, when I got to my car I said out loud "just shoot me in the head please" and I really felt so bad, you know when you feel like you failed so badly at something you just want to dissapear? I felt like that way too many times in past 20 years, it went that far I figured my family must be ashamed of me. So I got the pizza, came home, ate it, went for a nap, ended up crying in bed... great! And I dont even have depression anymore at least not that I know of. I just feel lost and alone, I feel like I have so many more flaws than an average person. I dont know, I wonder how much does it take for me to accept suicide as an option, not that I like the idea or whatever, but I believe we all have some limit, once you get over it... I don't know, I'm scared of getting to that point. I'll be 25 years old in 5 months and gaming was the peak of my life, just because I won't accept myself, just because i'm scared. I feel pathetic. The people who try to be close to me I feel like they are here just because they feel bad for me. Doesn't matter, to help me one would have to listen to me and why would someone do that for me? I probably can't even trust enough to believe that someone would just listen to me. Regarding gaming, same as before, however i'm trying to limit it on the evenings, that way I get more things done during the day. Right now i'm searching for a job, just anything, gotta pay the bills, later i'll try to find something better.
  11. I was Inactive for a month now, sorry bout it, but my mom died on 26 of july and well, what can I say, it wasnt nearly as hard on me as people expected, how or why I dont know, maybe because I kinda have a mindset that people just die and you can do nothing about it, which actually scares me. I am going to die too some day or maybe today, who knows and the main thing which I want in my life; more interactions with humas, wel I'm just not getting that and you know I hate it, today I had pretty good day and then something happened and as I was driving home, a though which I really dont like came into my head, "man, one day i'll just put a rope around my neck", dont take that wrong now, I hate to think like that, I dont think i'm capable of gonig thru with something like that... I just dont know, I keep going to the gym, my routine got messed up because I have to sort out a few things, plus I have to make firewood for the winter which is really timee consuming and I just cant get myself to do something that I would really like. I started to hate sleeping, sometimes I just wake up angry, mostly at me for not achieving more in my life and most of all, not having more interactions with other people, mostly woman actually... for the past years I can honestly say that the only thing that I actually loved was gaming, but not for gaming itself but because I got to talk to someone whenever I liked and it made me feel like a human, now I feel like an outsider... you know sometimes it just feels damn good to talk non sense, instead of important things, like, "can we just relax and stop stressing over life, most of all over things of which we cant do nothing about?". Nope! People these days just seem to like to talk about how bad everything is, the worst part, I rarely hear someone say what can he/she do about the thing that bothers him, nope, it's always others, he should do that, she should do that... I dont know man, just the hell a lot of angry or sad people who never even tried to think about the big picture and how they fit in, i'm not saying i'm not one of them, but while they are stuck I atleast know what I want and I'm trying to work towards it. I could go on... Regarding my stuttering, I believe that I have a pretty bad social anxiety... I wont explain how or what, but let's just say that once I realised that, I started to work on that from that perspective and i'm learing the game, basically I am working on my breathing a lot, it shifts my focus from one thing to another which makes me overthing way less, the biggest problem is in social situations because I struggle to shift the focus, I focus too much on other peoples reaction, how they speak, etc., it just overwhelms me. Regarding gaming, nothing new besides the fact which I metioned before, besides going to the gym everyday my routine is too messed up even for that... this week I dont know if I've spent 4 hours on my PC, I would like 4 hours every day, but I need to make firewood for the winter plus sorting out moms things and until im done with firewood I dont care about anything else, it just bothers me to have logs on our backyard waiting for me... I dislike forcing myself into it but i just want to be done with it, I need to get ready for an exam in school too and I dont have too much time... Right now I would just like 3 days of rain so I could focus on myself for a bit, to figure myself out, do some gaming on the side, go to the gym without having firewood running around in my head... all of this on my mind and then my body needs 8 hours of sleep, I fell like my mind just doesnt want to sleep while my body needs to and the fact that I could die tomorrow and everyday I'm just doing the things that need to get done and not even one thing I would like to do. Ofcourse I'm overthinking everything, so when i'm not making firewood i think about it. I hate it right now, there are moments when I dont even feel alive. Now if i think back, to younger me, "I will never be that guy, who isnt happy" I just get angry, it's not what I want for myself. Sure at a point i'll be done with firewood and things will most likely go back to normal, but yea... I wish I wouldnt have so much on my mind. Working on it tho, I want all of it back, with one upgrade, I want to work on myself more, like waaaay more. I dont know, does this make any sense to anyone of you? I hope, I didn't really had the time to really think what i'm typing about, just some things that go thru my head these days and what I dont like... hopefully I'll update in a week, since things are starting to normalise now.
  12. @OptimisticMalcontentI see, and it makes sense, i'm trying to do journaling just for myself, every day 10 minutes, just to write down my thoughts, but right now my routine is seriously messed up. @Stanly Kwok I'd bet my ass that someone who is from another planet as no idea of the fact, if that is even possible so I can't answer to that question, however I am interested in spiritality, consciousness and business and how the world really works actually... If you would ask me who do i think I am, I would have to answer that I am a person who has no idea who he is or, is too afraid to say what he thinks he is... I mean after all, just because you think you are something (sexy, smart...) it doesnt mean that you actually are. Sorry for being inactive for a month, my mom died on 26 of july, my routine got totally messed up and right now nothing in my life feels normal... I just cant get myself to do anything that I really like, so even I started to hate sleeping and sometimes I just wake up angry, usually at myself.
  13. @OptimisticMalcontent Thank you, for theraphy i need money which i dont really have right now, so i just think a lot. But i know that at one point i'll have to do it.
  14. Guys what do you think, should i go and put myself in as many stressful situations as possible? I think that being in a safe zone is making me soft/weak and to fix that I think i should do less of the safe zone. Opinions. Regarding life and gaming and... well life is just like GTA isnt it? You got skills you could level up and a story to play, or you can just ignore all of it and just fool around and it doesnt make too much sense to fool around in GTA does it? At least for me... and if it doesnt make sense to fool around in a video game, how does it make sense to fool around in real life? But at the end it's all about having fun, so fooling around will get you only to some point, from this point on if you want to make sense of all of it you need to do more? I dont know just something I was thinking of the other day... I mean just like it doesnt make sense to kill NPCs in GTA all the time, it doesnt make sense to game all the time... in fact, would you play a video game in GTA? I know I wouldnt, too much to discover outside of it. It is probably the same with life, but then it's ot just gaming it's for the most things you do, if you do too much of X, you cant do Y... so life could be about the balance at the end too i guess. Interesting things to think about, and all that matters is your point of view...
  15. @BooksandTrees Sorry, no reply for a week, i've been busy... kind of, i'll explain everything. Reply to the first quote, regarding farming, i ment more like a farm hand, just go around and help hen needed, as often as possible... I dont want my own farm, first of all it's bad business, I watched a video of a 70 year old farmer a weeka ago and in the comment section there was a comment, "farming is the only business where if you want to make a million dollars, you have to invest two million". So you, a farm hand, moving around, that way i'd get to meet a lot of people and so on... Where did you get car assembly line? o.O Second quote, 1. You know, the purpose of life, i think there is no purpose, it's random, you and me being here, it's random, however this is probably the hard fact, but there is a second part to it, you must create your own purpose, do what fulfills you, what makes you happy, so no purpose until you make your own purpose. We all die at some point, now you can go thru life, making other peoples lifes easier, or harder or just care about your ass and that's it. I think I love to help others, I'll explain more in the main part of this reply. This second quote is really good, I completely agree with you, I would just use different words. Answer 1: I think he would do his best to avoid the suicide. Answer 2: Nothing to think about there, you know my answer. However, I am at the point in my life, where escapism is not an option anymore, addiction, not really, i really have it under control. Examples, I started going to the gym, I researched and i'm still researching human body and mind and food plays a huge role here so, no worries there, I also like to cook. I live in a house, alone at the moment, so it takes me some time to take care of everything, keeping it clean, doing the laundry, cooking, mowing the backyard, taking care of the garden... and i'm not doing bad. I'm not doing gym at the moment, because I have a huge job at home, I have to make fire wood for the winter, now two weeks I was focused on getting other things done so I dont have them on my mind while i'm doing the big job, now i'm ready to start tomorrow most likely... so you see i'm doing the hell a lot of things and I want to do even more, but i'm running low on money, so next move for me is getting a job, asap. About Suggestions, thank you but i'll skip the anime, at least for now, I am trying to spend less time behind the screens... maybe in the future. Give me some time for the lists... 8. 1. I know, i'm cosidering joining an army for a year, just to grow a spine, it would make life after it easier. 2. I started doing that, before I was like a hamster, the "go mode" always on... still a way to get tho, I hate being idle, but sometimes i guess we need that. 3. Already doing that, i really want to get above average fit. 4. I'd do that but around here we have only diary farms, I dislike mass production of meat and the way it is carried out, dont take me wrong now, I love meat, just those big farms they need to do the job the way it makes money and well, for example, claves are taken away from their mothers when they are born, there are reasons for that, probably the safety of the calves too, but i hate that, I love animals and mass production of meat removes the option of making a cows life as good as possible, compare cats or dogs quality of life to cows life, huge difference, all because of the money. Again i love meat and I will eat it for my whole life, but I cant wont work on a diary farm because if nothing else I'd like to make cows life better and I cant... that's why I support small farms. What I really like about farming is huge open fields of wheat, corn, soybeans, running the tractors etc.. But farmers here cant do that because of the terrain. With that i'll end my reply and add something to my journal, feel free to comment. Ok, so I had 2 weeks to think about stuff and I came up with the hell a lot of i guess ideas and what not. First of all, I dont regret a minute of gaming, I just dont like the way I did it, it was mostly just time killing and some escapism. I would do it all over again. I love each minute of the gaming i did. I do have some pretty good reasons too: 1. Where I live alcohol is part of many peoples lifes, I managed tp avoid that bullet, I drank with friends since we were 14 to 16 a lot, we carried it well too, but then I met the friend who commited suicide and I started to game more and more, so I removed myself from drinking, well played me. Also I didn't understand why i stutter, I didn't understand why I had my first depression when I had it, so I was in no position to figure everything out, so if it wouldnt be for gaming I'd abouse alcohol, I would fuel the drinking with my bad feelings, so I would end up being addicted, i bet my ass on that. That's a win if you ask me. 2. I met the friend who made my last 7 or 8 years of my life my best part of my life, gaming in the center of it, I stayed away from drinking and depression, maybe I didnt socialise as much as i could outside of gaming, but socialising while being drunk would do no good to me. My life felt normal or maybe even above average for the first time in my life, it's a win again. 3. If i wouldnt do gaming I would be in a far worst position now, back then I had no idea how our mind and body works I had no idea how the world works, after doing gaming for so long and after listening to hundreds of edjucational videos you youtube, all while gaming, I understand some things way better than most of the people, I'm also starting to understand why I am the way I am and how to change that, thanks to gaming, now you MMORPG, FPS guys probably dont understand that, well, let me give you an example how is this possible, farming simulator is what the name says, driving up and down the field, now you can listen to music while playing or you can find actualy good channels with good content on youtube and listen to that, same for some other games I play, also, time management is not such a problem, at least for me, I dont get lost in these games... 4. All in all gaming saved me, if i wouldnt do it honestly i'm not sure if i would be still alive, or maybe I would be and I'd be doing something I really like, but I'd have no idea that money is not happiness and I'd have no idea how good life can be, also if that would happen i'd have no need or wish to edjucate myself any further... now I went thru things, which made me think outside the box, made me research so many things, most of which people have no idea about, maybe because they dont even know those things exist or they dont find it important so they dont make the time for them... which is how most people live, working, watching tv and eating. I never did that and i never will. Ok, so how did that help me, well this led me to a few other conclusions, I've been on auto pilot regarding my life for probably pretty much my whole life, i mean most of us are, only the people who actively try to better them selves arent, so i want to change that, working on that already, life goes by fast if you are on auto pilot, I really dont want that, also I'd hate to live without helping other people in one way or another, not sure how to get myself into that position, but I am going to get there. I am not quitting gaming, but! I want to make concious decisions about everything I do in my life, including gaming, so dedicate all the needed time do get something done, no more "oh I'm half done let's do something else", I aint doing that no more. For example I think I did well today, started the day with doing some laundry, while I was waiting for the machine to do it's thing I did gaming for an hour, then I put laundry out of the machine and I did one other thing aswell, went to the store to get cat food, came home, took some time to type this, once i'm done with that, i'm going to shave my head and beard and then i'm going for a walk, should be done with all of that by 3 or 4 in the afternoon, then i'll do 3 hours of gaming, in the evening I am going to eat out with a few friends, should take us around two hours maybe 3... the end of the day and not bad one, I am going to do everything I need and want to do today... there are two other things I could do but I can do them tomorrow, I dont want to rush anything... also the 3 hours of gaming in the afternoon, could be 3, could be one, I'd prefer 2-3 more than that doesnt really work for me anymore, anything I play I tend to end up at 2 max 3 hours at once... see and if i limit that to only gaming in the evening, i think I got here a pretty nice hobby. One more thing I got to think how the suicide effected me and what I can do about it, I figured I'd like to create a gaming group with players from my country, the goal would be to connect players with gaming and then I would try to connect them in real life too, so it wouldnt be just about gaming, we could do few other things together too... the thinking behind it was that I could use gaming to connect people in a meaningful way, to create a group where people could do more than just game, exchange ideas, life experiences maybe even come to the point where we'd go eat out, or help each other do something in real life, or for example go hiking together... a healthy gaming community. But I dont think I can do it, not with the games which I play. So I decided to focus on my edjucation, this time on school not out of the box thinking, so I'm doing that, get the type of edjucation where i get to help people in one way or the other... I could go on, cuz there is more, but it took me 2 hours to type that and I got things i still have to do today... so opinions? I know most of you go hardcore no gaming for life, but for me there are benefits in it and at the end it is life with no purpose until you decide what your life is going to be about... there hasn't been much normal about my life so far and while it was hard I still liked it and since I can handle gaming without it taking me too much of my free time and since I have goals outside of it, I will slightly change every aspect of my life but not too much... I would quit it if I could blame it for stuff going bad in my life, but at this point gaming didnt hurt me in any way, I learned a lot during past 8 years, i've grown a lot, especially during last two years. Now i'd hate being 40 years old if i would keep on playing the way I have, it would be a waste of life, but thanks to you guys and things going in my life the way they went and are going, I'm changing and I like where this is going. I dont like where I am right now, but step by step and I'll be out of that in no time. I know what i have to do, for the most part. Edit: ended up playing 45 minutes before going out and 45 minutes before going to bed.
  16. I've been wanting to type something here for the lastt two weeks, just not sure what... regarding gaming, i am doing exactly what i said i would, but i realised gaming was never the problem, the problem was that since I met the friend who we spent so much time together, my life got purpose, now that he comitted suicide, depression for 3 months, I wasnt even sure why, then i figured that out and now, well i'm figuring out that no matter what you do in this life you wont take it with you when you die, so what's the point of doing anything? Wake up alone, spend the day, alone go to sleep, alone, that's how my day is right now, what i do during the day makes a difference, but no one knows when i go and do something, or when i think of something, there is no one to share it with... when i want to try something new in a video game, it's just me, no one to have a laugh with anymore... sure i meet friends during the weekends, but that is nothing compared to chatting on discord with someone for at least an hour a day, i mean 2 hours at the end of the week, this is so casual, i dont know if it even deserves being called a friendship... plus people are getting boyfriends and girlfriends, creating a different life for themselves, not that i need that or want that, it just doesnt make sense, I love doing what I do, getting in a relationship would force me to change the way i live my life, plus in most cases women want kids, i'm not even sure when and if this is on my to do list... nothingin life makes sense to me right now, i dont get people, we are trying to live life like we are never going to die, example, if you have kids when you are 24, this means that at least for 18 years they are your priority, for 18 years you need to focus on them so when do you get to do the things on your to do list, I dont see myself living a normal life, i want to experience life like im going to die tomorrow. When my friend was alive, i'd go to work for 8 hours, come home, game for 4 or 5 hours and the next day we'd do it all again. When I wasnt working, 4-12 hours a day but I knew what I was doing, in a way i knew who I was, I was looking forward to things in my life, the way I was living before i could have kids, girlfriend, I had no problem focusing on school when i needed to, I had no problem doing stuff outside of the gaming, it was all some kind of achivement, I was proud to be a gamer with a not too bad life outside of the gaming, now it it all means nothing to me. A few years ago I stumbled across the saying "some people stop living when they are in their 20s and actually die when they are 60" and I said I was never going to be that guy, guess what, that's exacly who i am right now, I'd give away everything in my life to be 22 again, i'm 24 now... before when i was a gamer, I was happy with a normal job and what would some consider a boring life, now if I want to get where I want to, I'll have to do school for at least another 3 years, while working, at least part time and even then I dont know if it will be enough, basically chasing money to chase happiness to chase purpose in life... and i had enough of everything... now i wonder, if i die today or in 60 years, what's the difference? If i ever have kids or not, the difference? If i make millions in money or average money, the difference? I can go on, these questions are endless and guess who cares about them, society in which we live in. You dont actually need any of that, another question, did anyone who doesnt know you ever actually cared about your happiness? Even better, I bet my ass that even people who are close to you dont really care, it's always can you do this can you do that, you say no too many times and you are out... Pretty good example, a boss at work, can you do it or not, you are replaceable, you spend 8 hours a day working for a company and at the end how many times did someone above you come to you and ask you how's life? I mean, nothing, really nothing makes sense to me, yesterday evening I didn't feel sleepy but i tried to sleep anyway, ended up thinking about how I can do that but then I cant do this, went on for 15 minutes, you know just the things i care about. Less than a year ago, my only concern was, working and gaming, work enough to live and have enough spare time to game. Now it is just whole bunch of things i couldnt care less about a year ago, which could make me happy again, but it would take years of dedication and sacrifaces to get there and at the end a 60 years old guy would figure out how he should never left his home, should have kids and shouldnt go for the money. Let me explain why is it so complicated: First is, do I want to have a family life or do I want to explore the world, you cant have both. I want to drive trucks in Norway and Canada, this means learning Norwegian, I want to do farming in Czech and the USA, I wouldnt want to stay in a country for more than 3 years, this means i'd have to be laerning new languages all the time. In 10 or 20 years tractors and trucks will drive on their own, time to change the job, now if I want to make some good money I need better edjucation, this takes time... and so on. Besides that there is whole bunch of other countries where I would like to live for at least 6 months, so nomadic life style. The most difficult part is leaving everything I know behind, but i would live fulfilled life. Maybe. Family life, one place for 20 years and then you are too old to go explore the whole world or you dont have the money or the health. Maybe your kids hate you, your wife left you 10 years ago, took half of your money maybe a house and so on... you stopped learning new things when you had your first kid, any real travelling is not possible. Probably boring life, the life we call normal... I dont want to be normal, I want to have stories to tell when i'll be old... but who will i be telling stories to if I wont have a family. See? Life was easy when it was gaming and work, now a loss of one person changed everything so much for me, i got lost. Gaming isn't what it used to be and life is full of people running after meaningless things... meaningless being relative. Regarding gaming: I am playing 3 video games, not everyday. Gaming is a trap indeed, if you start to play in the morning you will have an unproductive day, if you start 4-5 hours before you go to bed, this is the best way to go about it... but it must be after you did everything you had/wanted to do that day. No matter which game it is, it has an effect on your brains, low dopamine or high, the dopamine is there. But so is everywhere else in your life, whenever you finish doing something you get a small hit, so I guess some of the games arent so bad. I feel the best when i start my day doing stuff in real life, the longer it takes me, the better... but my motivation right now is low, if I have to do things where I dont get to meet any other people, it takes me a week or longer to get it done, this week i slept for 12 hours every day, just because I can and it is the best way to not think about stuff... but i cant run forever, but i still dont know what decision to take, both are life changing and not in the way I would like. If it was up to me, I'd game until the day i die, when I wouldnt be working or learning for school or something i'd be gaming... it would be the easy way, no big decisions, in 5 years i'd get a pretty good job and i'd get to travel the world, maybe get a girlfriend a long the way and so on. But now the way things are, it is one or the other and i hate that, at the end i'll probably be sorry for not taking the gaming-school-work-job-travel-gf option. I could have it all, but since i have no friends in gaming right now, i dont think i can do that... at the end if i chose between the two options, i will never have a really deep relationships with anyone anyway. So right now, all the choices I have are bad. I'm lost, as i said before, I love to listen and to talk to people normal human is not like that, I can to someone talking for 3 hours, just sit there and listen, i find people interesting, all of you. Being in a position where i'm alone 98% of the time is killing me... I also need to find a job, but i would like something where i get to interact with people all the time, with my education, this is hard. I dont know,f'ed up situation overall. I got my gaming under control but i dont think it was ever about gaming being out of control, it was me feeling really happy while gaming and interacting with other people. I guess gaming came along just because of bad childhood and i wanted to belong somewhere... now i dont belong anywhere, again. I'm not even sure of anything, that's why i didnt write here for so long. Most people go in life and do what society expects from them, that's not me i think, so i have to find my own way and i have no idea how, that's why i'm so lost. I dont know, opinions more than welcome. Edit: one more thing, gaming in the morning and early in a day lowers my assertiveness. Makes me more passive overall etc.
  17. Alright, this is going to be a bit different, my problem is also a bit different, maybe even weird. Let me start by explaining where I am starting from. STORY I went thru a trauma when I was 4 years old, that's when i started to stutter, after that other kids just started to bully me to hell and back, it somewhat stopped when I turned 15, or maybe it did sooner but I was too defensive to notice, so I basically felt like an outlaw, tying to fit in and failing miserably. Very few friends. To spice it up, my dad died when I was 10, he was a long haul truck driver, so I didn't even knew him as much as I wish I would, but i still loved him alot, in fact part of me was kinda waiting for him to show up at the door, for 3 years after his death. Also depression hit me quite hard during 10 and 15, thinking about suicide and searching for a criminal group to join just to get noticed. Some facts about fatherless kids, just the ones I got into or just dodged them, more likely to have behavioral problems, more likely to abuse drugs and alco, more likely to go to prison, 2x more likely to suffer obesity, more likely to commit crime, 2x more likely to drop out of highschool. The ones I didnt get into, just pure luck, the ones i did, i'm trying to fix for a month now. I never got into crime, crime rates are really low where i live, so no real way to learn anything from anyone, so just luck. I didn't do much gaming at the time yet. Once i turned 16, I bought my first gaming pc, not much but enough to run BF4 on pretty decent settings when it came out, before that it was LoL, BF1942, GTA:SA, NFS:MW..., I probably did play daily, but not that much, honestly. From age of 10 on I was trying to skip as much school as possible, just to avoid bullies and people in general, i didnt trust anyone, part of me still doesnt, while faking to have a headaces or whatever i'be gaming and learning Italian. After getting the gaming PC, gaming snowballed a bit not too much tho, I always did fine in school even tho I skipped a lot and half of the time while in school I slept, second best in class. I turn 18, I got some new info on truck driving license, I dont have to be 21 to become a trucker, so I go, drop out of school, for trucking... now all the scars from depression from years ago, bullying and what not started to show... changed 6 jobs in 5 yeras, i actually worked 2.5 years, 2.5 spent at home gaming. This is all due to trauma, when people start to get close to me. I run, when i start to feel good I run, if no one cares I stay. When i was around 18 I met a dude while playing a game, from th same country as me, best friends for 5 years, that's why i've spent so much time gaming. You can deny it all you want, a human needs to interact with other people, no way around that, he commited suicide in january. All the BS I was managing to run away from all this time while having this guy on my side, came back, before it was small problem, now it was just huge pile of poop. After his death I closed myself in my bedroom for a week, blind all the way down, and gaming 16 hous a day. Until I got enough, that's when the depression came back. For 3 months I had no idea what to do, after discussing for a bit with some guys on this forum I sort of figured it out. What I need is to stop being afraid of people, stop hiding in gaming get out there and fix my sorry ass. So now it is nearly a month since i figured this out and i've been working out it a lot. (I did left some things out, but I dont want to type really everything, it's already too much) NOW I decided not to quit gaming, but I decided to get dopamine levels as low as i can get them, dopamine triggers addictions. I decided that because there were times during last 5 years when I was gaming and I had my life really sorted out, to the point where i would even stop stuttering and I felt normal, so the goal is to reach that and maintain it. My first steaps were, take a look at the games which i play, where am i getting the most dopamine from? Why I cant get myself to play some games? The most dopamine games, out. Answer to the second question, well they are hard or there is little to no reward, or compared to anything else, they are boring in a way. So i'm playing these games now and while I dont get lost in them, I get to have full control over my life, just went a weekend without gaming, because I was doing some things for school, no problem. I find if i dont get lost in a game, i get to think about life, economy, politics, school and most important things which I need to get done. That allowed me to start going to bed at 22:00 and waking up at 6:00, every single day, I started working out, started going to fitness, started to spend more time with friends, I kinda just want to get to know everybody... I started to do the important things in the morning. So basically a huge changes, all in order to fix myself, which is the end goal. Which games do I play, Farming sim, Cities Skylines, Europa Universalis 4 and Euro truck simulator 2... ofcourse I didnt get to play EU4 or CS yet, the hard games to get into for me... out of these the most dopamine I get from Euro truck, so I'm very careful when I play it and how much I play it. Right now i'm experimenting with something, what is it i'll let you know soon enough. There is one more reason why i picked these games, you can stop playing whenever you want, no need to play actually and all of them can get boring sometimes, when dopamine is low you are bored and that's when you can change yourself in my opinion. Oh, almost forgot, I'm keeping my phone as far away as possible, I'm trying to use it just for calls. Avoiding TV aswell. In this journal i'll try to let you know of my conclusions, what works for me, what doesnt and how different things effect me. Edit: forgot to mention, no music or anything else while I play, if i want music I listen to just music, if I want to listen to lets say, to Jordan Peterson, I dont do it while gaming anymore, pause the game and listen to the guy, 100% focus on the video and nothing else, no distractions. When do you turn on the music when gaming? I usually did it when i got a bit bored, we come to dopamine again, dont turn on the music and brains will get used to that level iof it. Some may think, why not just quit gaming if you are making it so boring, CS and EU4: developing imagination, planing, strategy and patience. Farming sim: patience, I really need to learn that. ETS2: not sure what i'm getting from this, I love to drive in real life, it sure helped me getting my driving license for car and truck, made it easier to drive a real truck too... just something i do when I got 10 or 20 minutes of free time before doing something more important. The main point here for me is, play, but keep dopamine as low as possible, that way you keep focus on your life outside of the screen. First conclusion: competitive gaming, so LoL, Rainbow etc. is fun, but there is just too much stress, rage quitting and stuff like that, so number one thing to avoid for me. Second conclusion for me: watching TV gives me more dopamine than playing any of the 4 games which I do play, I do nothing and things happen, just awesome thing to go "just one more" about it. Now I wouldnt be here and moving forward without: @Cam Adair youtube videos, @Alexanderle, @apatton090, @ceponatia and @Hitaru comments, so thank you a lot guys. It is not quitting gaming, I know, I hope you don't mind, but i think I can make it work, especially since I dont think I was ever at the place where gaming was ruining my life, maybe it even kept my life together long enough, for me to start understanding some things which will help me fix it. Or I could be delusional, i'm keeping that option open. Sorry for not perfect english, I learned it from video games and movies.
  18. Firstly i'll respond to your replies, @Alexanderle I got to comment that thing on feminism first, because of feminism there is MGTOW, red pill community and all the other pills plus mans right movements, all because of feminism... i'll end that here, no need to say more about it as it is not main subject. I agree with challenges and responsibilites, no fun without that and ye things are going to change i just need to figure out where i am right now, which i think i just did. I do have structure in my life, it probably isnt the best tho and ye, i got too much to deal with at once, that's for sure. I'd comment more but i'd really like to share something. @apatton090 It would make me feel like i feel every now and then these past few months, worthless, no point in doing anything. Others dont bother dealing with such people, we just drain all your energy out of you because we are so sure in our negativity. There was a time in my life when i knew what makes me happy and i was afraid i'll lose that, i was right, i did lose it. (read below) @ceponatia You are right it isnt really possible not to desire all of that, i do desire probably all of but i dont find it necessary to get thru life, maybe the basic needs but above that, you dont really need surplus of anything, however it is nice if it is there. Hell if i think about it ignoring depression, i want to live between Slovenia, Greece and Canada, have the type of work that would let me work on computer and move around whenever i feel like it... purpose is a choice indeed, you know the number one thing Jordan Peterson suggest to his patients who have depression, get a job, you need purpose in your life. Being responsible about where i am, yep, more accurate, my mindset, the things i believe in... Ok, so let me update on how my day went today, i got a bunch of stuff done, really, went for a walk, 4 hours on random stuff in the town and around the house. Woke up just before 8, i did game between 10.30 and 12.30, then i had 2 hour break, just doing random stuff that needed to get done and went for a walk, did some running too, did another 2 hours of gaming, just killing time actually, but something fun happend. After i came home from the walk i decided to play FS19, pretty boring game if you ask any hardcore gamer, i've put 1000 hours on it in one year, in real life i'm actually very interesting in anything whit a steering wheel, so farming, trucking and things like that are pretty high on my interest list... so i get into it and the moment i started to drive up and down the field, depression hits, i notice and instead of giving it power i ask why, i used to love that game, not because i was addicted to it but because it used to relax me to the point where I loved being me, outgoing, relaxed, really good state of mind i even got into cooking, enjoyed my job, really good times... I wasnt able to find an answer right away, I only figured out it has to be something with dopamine... 2 hours later, i did what i planned for today, exit the game, check youtube, gamequitters video in suggestions and it is Cam talking about his addiction to WoW, interseting, there i had another suggestion of a video of a guy who I subed to and watch his videos very often cuz i find them to be just what i did and what i want to know. It is a guy whos making really good money basically and i find rich people to be the best people to learn from and he has some experience with gaming too. Here's the vid: After watching that I went for the second walk today, I was thinking about it for an hour and i figured it out. The games which play are the same as they were a year ago but something else change in my life, i lost 2 very good friends who were the only people i ever figured really wanted to talk to me, the first one was bad but i went on, the second, well that's when depression started. No matter what I play i feel the same, all the motivation gone, it is just that i dont have anyone to talk to anymore. When i was i kid other kids talked to me only when they bullied me, so when someone wants to talk to me without needing anything from me, this feeling is better for me than playing any video game i ever played. I also started to play more with multiplayer games just because of that, in the game it was me but it wasnt the me who was bullied all the time, i was able to normally interact with people, that's why i stayed to this day. But since then something changed, I started to play games where there is no or very little of MMO element, so i'm stuck with myself unless i would try to join some unknown people on their server, which i dont know why they would want me, no one ever wanted me, why would someone want me now. So yea, my depression is from lack of communication with people, maybe 30% of it is from addiction from gaming, if there is any at all. I quit all the jobs to this day because i felt so good talking with the two friends i had, all i wanted was to talk with people who actually want to talk to me and i dont feel like they are forced into it. Now what i decided, i'll keep on gaming, but i will not look for interaction with people in it, for that I'm going out there, getting a job where i work with people, going places where i get to talk with people, doing stuff where i... you get the point? Gaming will be a break from all the people, this is the solution to my depression. I can quit gaming all i want, if i dont get to feel better in real life, this isnt going to help me... so yea i think that's it, it will be hard tho, i went thru life thinking people just dislike me just after seeing me, let alone talking, because of stuttering... the thing is i dont stutter when i know that it is not me where the problem is at, so yea, change the mindset, change the life in my case, what do you think is harder addiction or change the way you look at yourself? I am thinking, i'd prefer addiction right now, cuz now i have to rewire everything i figured i knew in order to fix myself. Also thank you for all the comments. 🙂 Edit: I dont think i made it clear, gaming has changed so much for me since my other friend died, it just isnt the same anymore, that's why it would be really easy for me quit right now, back then i wouldnt even consider this forum, why? The only really mineaningful human interaction i got from gaming, there was no way to quit, now it doesnt really matter, i just have to get out there and meet people, I dont want gaming to be my only way to communicate with the world.
  19. @Alexanderle Ye ok, maybe, i part of me knows all of that, i just dont consider it as an option for me, or maybe i do, but an option with very small chance of success... Yesterday after typing this post, i wasnt sure what do to, play, go watch tv, ended up going to bed, woke up today just before 8, ate something, went to town to get some stuff done, now it's 10, i'm thinking about playing for a while, maybe 2 hours, going for 3 hour walk then, a work out, should be almost evening by then, another 2 hours of gaming and then of to bed... it's just, i was thinking for past 24 hours or so, I am not interested in competitive gaming, it's waste of time for me, the games which i play are relaxing for the most part, that's why i find them so annoying lately cuz i get time to think about depression and honestly, i liked yesterday, no games, almost no tv I was fine with my depression, it is here and maybe i should take it as a need for a change... i think i'm going to start to play less and start doing some of the things i think i might be interested in, i mean i already would if it wouldnt be for the virus, i cant wait for fitnesses to open, this is the first thing i'm doing in that direction, just to i dont know get into better mood, start vibing higher, just get out there kind of... I know i dont need gaming, just as i dont need anything else in my life, it's my choice what i want to do and what i dont want to... i took time to read some stories on this forum yesterday, i realised i was never that much of an addict, maybe i had a few months or weeks now and then, but never on bad food, never staying up all night, hell when i played Farming sim 17 the most, i was going to bed early and waking up around 5 or 6, went for a walk twice in a day etc, i clearly wasnt working at the time but i wasnt glued to the screen... these days i play games where i can quit or pause whenever i need or want to, i dont want to feel like i need to keep playing, when it's enough it's enough, i think i'm developing healthy way of gaming, i play for myself not for others to show of my skill, singleplayer games mostly, goal for today is x and y, i do that and i'm out, and usually it goes exactly like that, that's probably why i started to realise my state of mind and in the social world outside of games, as i want less from games i want more from life, but i'm not sure what i want... for the past year i've been listening to videos on youtube about, money making and making myself better, i think i started to move in that direction, i'd kinda like to all in but i dont feel save to do that yet, also, gaming is the part of the day when i have time to listen to those videos, plus since i dont know what in real world really attracts me, beside talking to people, that's number one thing i'd like to do, just talk to people, get to know everybody who crosses my way, that's what i used to do at parties, get a bit drunk and just go around getting to know people, i'd like to do that without drinking... i dont think i'm quitting gaming, the way it goes right know it might just happen on it's own, i dont mind it staying or going away, if it is staying i need to keep developing this mindset which wants human interaction and not being alone... i've been doing that for past two years too, just sit and do nothing, trying to understand why i do things the way i do, why i think the way i do... so you see, am i an addict, maybe, but not hardcore and i see and easy exit out of it, it's right infront of me, i just need to do what feels right, buying a few books seems right, learning a few new languages, getting deeper into getting informations from rich people about their business, getting fit. I can do it all if i stop killing time with gaming and i do gaming as something when the day is almost over and i really got nothing else to do and i think i will find that easy... also when you were gaming, have you maybe noticed the less games you actually play the happier you are? it is true for me, i never have time to really focus on the game if i got too many of them, so i started to work on that too, a few things and being good at them is always better than having a lot and being average at them, real life or gaming... again alot to read, i dont know just things that came into my mind while tying, i'll update in the evening.
  20. The title, when you are born you own nothing and once you are dead you own nothing, so it doesnt really matter what you do during your life or am I wrong? There is nearly 8bil people on this planet and i swear everybody is running around getting as much money as possible to get the best car, house they can afford, I dont know, i find it boring. Get a girlfriend, marry her, have kids, maybe divorce along the way, maybe you can end up in MGTOW or red pill communities... why would one want to, i dont know, have sex? I im 24 years old male and I dont find it very important, same as having a girlfriend, she'll just waste your time and you'll waste hers, i mean maybe you have her for sex, how does the drama and time spent on her even compare to the positive side? I never had a girlfriend or sex and the older i get, the less important it seems to me. How does a truck driver life compare to the normal life or the gamers life, time runs in all of them and all you really need is food, water and a roof above your head, why should a gamer quit gaming to do other things in life, make enough to live should be enough? Now i know there are benefits to quitting, I am just not sure that they are worth it, maybe 20 years from now i'll think way differently than i do now, or maybe tomorrow. I stutter, it is because of childhood trauma and it screwed up my whole life and I started to game when i was 10, heavy gaming came around by the time i was 13 i guess, super heavy around 17... now if i go and quit gaming, what is out there for me, i think that i'm not loveable, I think that people have plenty of reasons to hate me even before knowing me, I've got nothing to offer besides the fact that i had screwed up childhood, my dad died when i was 10, i was thinking about suicide when i was 13 (check the numbers above), now i'm sorry i didnt do it back then, cuz sure as hell i'm not doing it now, after i decided not to do it no matter what i started to look for ways to get into crime, if you want you can check stats of children who lost their dad early and the rates of suicide and involvement in crime, if i remember correctly it's all above 50% above the norm... how can i know, i'm not going to look for ways to get into it again? Gaming saved me in some way but screwed me up even more in the other, because of running away from the problem, the problem is much bigger now, switching jobs, gaming, depression especially after my best friend commited suicide in january and one other very good friend died in a car crash, his bro, a very good friend too, doesnt want to hear about me anymore, because of reasons... right now if i go for a walk in the nature i end up almost crying, i dealing with that kind of stuff for so long i learned how not to cry so gg to me. It is always like that, it's like walks wake up my depression, or should I say walks are the worst, anything out of the screen is like overthinking everything over and over again. It's like i'm on the edge of crying all the time and i refuse to cry, because it sucks. I have no one to talk to, i'm not going to involve my sis or mom into this. Then again why would anyone ever want to talk to me? Better off without me. So you see, if i quit gaming i have nothing else but open world infront of me in which I dont see a place for myself and anything outside of gaming doesnt seem even appealing, why would i try to do anything, you come with nothing, you go with nothing no matter what you did in your life. Also success is relative, someone is happy just a roof above their had, someone needs a new BMW in the garage, someone needs 5 Lambos and 4 Ferraris in their garage and they are still not happy, define success if you want, not everyone will agree with you no matter what you do. Before i started to talk about my stuttering, excuse me but i type what comes into my head right now, feelings i guess... during last 14 years there were days i didnt game and i didnt have time to think about it and i forgot about stuttering too, i felt happier, more relaxed life was good. Now when i think about it, i was running around like chicken without a head doing stuff which didnt even matter a day later, it's the same with gaming, i know but i'm less impressed with my real life accomplishements then virtual ones... i forgot to tell that i was bullied a lot when i was a kid and i fought a lot too, always had just a few friends but never as old as me, outsider for life, sometimes i feel like, i feel like an outsider maybe i should give others a few reasons to make them think of me that way too (crime), give people a few reasons to hate me, i already think by default people dislike me so why not, nothing to lose right? Right? Maybe, but doing crime is hurting other people, i'd like to help, i'd like to help people have better life than i did and if there is the smallest chance of me having a kid and me putting a kid thru the same stuff i went thru, then i dont want a kid. I dont want to anyone ever know what is inside my head, i dont want to share these feelings, i do share here because you dont really know who i am. The moment i'd tell this to someone in real life i'd want that person out of my life, "you know too much, go, or i'll go". You get it when i say, doing gaming is the most purpose in my life i ever had? Everytime i did anything else i felt useless, even when i did good, someone can always do it better so why bother, your girlfriend can always find a better man, bigger dick, more money, more love. I could go on, in the end the point is your are expendable, you are not special, no one is and at the end you are going to die and your life will be just fraction of the time in the billion years of history... My gaming today and yesterday, yesterday only 3 hours, today none and i dont even feel like it... today i spent whole day thinking, about that friend of mine who commited suicide, 4 brothers and 2 sisters, he was 21 years old, 3 days away from 22 and about gaming. I watched a video in which Cam talks about his depression and thinking about doing suicide, he decided that suicide is not an option and i did that too, a long time ago, i'm kinda sorry now, but it still isnt an option, but it was for my friend, and my dumb ass had no idea, while i went thru probably similar stuff he did, and i didnt notice. Guess what at the end it doesnt matter, life goes on, you only got memories and i got good ones in gaming and a lot of sad ones in real life, so going into real life feels wrong, it was bad so far. But wait isnt all of this life, who can say what is real life and what isnt, it is always you, you game or you dont, it is you, it is me. Maybe the difference is, gaming detaches you from the real you, but what if the real you is Al Capone? One other thing i have in common with Cam, i go all in or nothing, when i work i work, boss comes and says to slow down, i dont know how, i dont know how to speed up, i'm all in all the time no matter what i do. Putting that all in, in something else scares me, imagine playing poker, doing good but out of the blue you decide to play something else, because you think poker is bad for you. Or maybe if i wouldnt be so busy gaming i would notice my friend having issues and he'd still be here. Now if i think about it, if everything is real life, and you are all in on something, arent you all in, in life? Part of me would like to quit gaming, but my life outside of gaming was bad so far and i dont think i want anything outside of gaming, a car to get me from a to b, food, water and roof above my head. Me having a girlfriend seems like a joke to me, back in my childhood being bullied i felt like a monster, something so aweful no one wants you in their life, so a girl dating this monster, must be nuts. I dont think i'm ever going to let anyone so close to me. So what's the point of getting out of gaming, to be alone and actually realise it? How is that good? I support all of you, if you think that's what you want, do it and dont look back, i believe anyone can do amazing stuff in life, only if he/she wants to, if that is first step for you to getting there, just do it man. You know the screen in GTA when you die, "wasted", i'm wasted i just keep on going, running on nostalgia fuel and i dont think there is anything outside of gaming for me, but bad life. People saying "so you are 24 and you are learning this now, not 10 years ago" or just looking at me like im from another planet, i've had enough of those looks in my life you know, honestly i feel like i killed someone when i was 4 years old, i know i didnt but i feel like that, i just want to run, get it out of my head. Hide but there is nowhere to hide. I dont imagine life outside of gaming, usually when i get a job, people get to close to me and i quit, back to gaming. Now someone will say get professional help, you mean i should pay someone to listen to me? I dont need that, juts normally talking to someone is enough to me, but i need to fell th connection. Back in highschool we had a teacher, once i spoke about something to him, stuttering, normal, then he goes, now say that again without stuttering, i know you dont stutter, the 4th time i said it without stuttering. He believed in me, even if only for a minute, the last person who i could tell believed in me, died when i was 10. After that middle school teacher once sat me down after, well i was very bad kid at that time, smarter than anyone, screwing up with teacher. So once this one teacher afterthe class told me to come with her, we came to a room in the school i didnt know even existed, told me to sit down and asked me if there is anything wrong, if there is anything i need to tell anyone, i said no, there is no such thing, this was when i was 14, so there was, i just didnt want to talk cuz i felt like an outsider, the point is, she cared, gave me hope. But that was about it, positives in my life, there could be more but i believed people didnt want to deal with me so i didnt deal with people, so i felt alone. Now i think there is no way back for me, part of me just wants not to talk to anyone, the other part wants to get to know everybody... so what's the point in quitting gaming guys? I felt somewhat well for past 10 years or so, i was running but it wasnt as bad as when i didnt run, now if i stop running i'm too scared of all this coming after me once again, there is no one to hold me when all of this crashes into me, depression would go thru the roof as i would realise how bad it is. 3 months ago i got drunk and all of this came after me, ended up crying for an hour and drinking for the whole next day. I am not getting drunk ever again and i'm also not letting this is out ever again. It has the power to ruin me. How can i quit gaming then? Seriously, how? Sorry for bad english at times, it is my second language so... also dont try to help me fix me, i dont think it's possible, i'm just too deep. Feels like being in jail for life and being able to see people live their normal boring lifes, while i actually have fun in jail. Not sure if i should post this, post and then delete maybe... i dont know. I dont want to drag anybody down this hole, not something i let people to see.
  21. Hi, I wrote on this forum before but with another account, forgot the password. Here's the topic if you'd like to read it, https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/8563-let-me-waste-some-of-your-time/&tab=comments#comment-64307 @Hitaru You tried to help me on that one so maybe i could invite you in on that one, no need to tho, feel free to decline. Quickly, who I am, Klemen, 24, Slovenia So since that topic, i've been working on myself, not quitting but trying to get my focus elsewhere, decided to play games which I dont see as addicitive or super fun, Euro truck sim 2, American truck sim and Farming sim 19, i decided that because i have no pressure to play those games and i can listen to music or any other kind of videos on youtube, (London Real, Actualized.org, Eckhart Tolle, Dan Pena, Jordan Peterson, basically mix of psychology, money talk and spiritual talk)... As I started to play only these 3 games, maybe sounds much but for ATS and ETS2 its not like I can sink a lot of time in them anymore, I've seen it all, done it all, I'm just there for the drive, probably i wouldnt even play if I wouldnt get to listen to stuff which I listen to, FS19 is a bit different because it's more about all the vehicles and implements but after 1k hours, without music, i dont think i'd play as much as i do. The point, while playing these three i managed to somewhat fight with depression, started to it what i feel like, lost 6kg, im at 96 right now, aiming for 90 asap and my mental state somehow relaxed, so overall good experience. However now and then i still get very bad depression and that's when i try to escape by playing video games, I took 3 hours today to listen to Cam on youtube, I can relate to him in all aspects and then i can add some too, regarding to why we even started to game. Needless to say that i found myself in some other videos too, I did find the video where he talks about gaming being an escape, a bad one, and I would agree. Watching all the videos today made me think, I do want more from my life and i realise that gaming is not the way to go, hell i'm not even sure I want to quit, at the same time, do I want to stay, not if i'll play the way I did for last 5 years. I did some maths the other day my current CPU has around 10k hours of gaming on it maybe more, in 7 years, most of it during last 5. I am or was I addicted, videos I watched today made me think that I probably quit all of my jobs so far because I missed gaming, was it escaping, or was it me not being able to relate to other people so i flicked them off? Probably both, and to this day I want to find a job where I could have plenty of time to still play, now this is changing, I dont want to be all over the place anymore, there are many things I am interested IRL and I want to do them so this is changing, my mentality is changing, today I played only for 3 hours, 4 different games, all in one, not good, but right now I have no need to play more today and I wont... I like gaming and it's fun to me, but I was never into games like Runescape or WoW or stuff like that, my "life" started with "King of the Road", went on to BF1942 (boy I miss that game!) then to San Andreas MP (truckmania server) then to BFBC2, BF3, BF4, GTA 5 ETS2. ATS, some League in there somewhere, so not many games but I've put some hours in them, so basically, FPS and sims, just from this sentence you can tell that outside of gaming i'm not much of anything. So again, the videos I watched today made me realise why i even have the depression; addiciton to gaming. Because latelly i've been playing not really stimulating games, I mean cmon 9 out of 10 gamers laugh at guys who play what I play right now plus a suicide of a gamer and real life friend who i've spent countless hours with, it all makes sense, for past 5 months, nearly 6, in my bedroom 10 hours a day alone, playing low stimulation without tallking to anyone, cuz i'm too scared and my sorry ass thinks i've wasted my life, which I havent but I need to get out there, i'm getting a job and into fitness as soon as this virus is over... So I've lost 6 kg in one month, having one meal a day and gaming all day and well playing the way i was able to forget about depression and that's fine, i'm succesfully working on one goal so that's good and depression got better, but i dnont know what would happen if i'd go for the 90 day detox, just for fun, i did 90 days no fap 2 years ago and I keep on going, kinda, while playing sims I get the my mind in the state where I dont need it and I dont need to eat out of control, so very good state of mind. A year ago I worked at a place for 8 months, 2 hours of gaming per day+ fitness everyday+being around people evey day, best mindset I ever had and honestly with sims i think I can do that again, just need to figure out the right amount, or just quit I dont know i'd like to discuss that, i'm strongly leaning in the direction of sticking to the games but as the last hing I do in a day so I dont even think about it until I got nothing else left to do or just skip one day of gaming or two to do more important things, basically make gaming the least important thing in my life... but then again, 2000€ every 4 years for a new rig, for a thing that is not important, doesnt make sense... or another option i was thinking of, 3 days in a week free of gaming, game 4 days, 3 hours a day or less... It is hard for me to just let it go, i'm a gamer, but if i can get into a state of mind at which i was at year ago, the fully quitting should be really really easy and the games which I'm playing should make that easy too, you know no ranks or stuff like that, no pressure, in my opinion i can do it like that, 90 days detox no fap was easy, no gaming would be... it wouldnt be too hard but I bet my ass i'll end up wishing to go do trucking in real life, did it 3 times, quit it 3 times, probably cuz of gaming, or maybe i'd focus more on school, but i can focus more on school even if I dont do detox... so i'm really not sure, step by step i guess. Quick summary of my current state, way better then in the first topic I posted but my state of mind is still addicted gamer type of, exactly what other game quitters talk about including Cam, with an addition of my stuttering like mad as co-product, the only reason i'm thinking about detox, I could eliminate 90% of my stuttering, as you can imagine it is making social stuff way more complicated and it often just makes me want to disapear from the face of the earth... Your turn guys, opinions, tips, I know where i'm going i'm just not very sure how to get there, I also think I know where I am and i'm not going back where I came from, I wouldnt mind being streamer but you cant earn much playing sims, maybe youtube videos just for fun, but i dont have the motivation for that right now, going to fitness instead of editing of a video seems more productive... Not very good english, hope you dont mind and if you do that's your problem ;D