Jump to content
Captain_Pilz

Captain_Pilz's daily journal.

Recommended Posts

Hi, 

my name is David, I am a student and I have a gaming problem. This is my first time writing on this forum. However, I am not new to the idea of quitting gaming. Let me sum up my story.

I have always been prone to compulsive behavior, I am an extremist, if you want to call it that way. In primary school, I got addicted to trading card games which I luckily got rid of with the help of my parents. About a year after I got into secondary school, I got more fascinated with games and started playing Minecraft which even got me into a friend group for the next years. Pretty soon, the hours I spent playing and watching YouTube increased- Although my parents told me I was out of control I felt like I was not. I would like to mention that I was not satisfied with my relationships and got bullied a lot. My psychologist advised me to start doing martial arts, which I did, with great results. 

In tenth grade starts where a lot of the juice happened. I started developing better friendships, my grades were constantly great but I still procrastinated a lot. When I developed my first crush, I coincidentally got into personality development which, guys I tell you, changed quite a bit for me. However, I could not get myself to really grow. I consumed a lot, so much of it happened passively, and intense periods of productivity were followed by intense periods of gaming or watching YouTube. I even got an Xbox One and played Ark, Cities Skylines and (especially problematic) Overwatch on it. Minecraft still kept me going. I started worrying about addiction being responsible for my behavior and found Game Quitters. 

A year has passed since then. I failed, I failed, I failed. Sometimes it would take me a little bit longer to relapse but I would eventually get back into games. In those periods, I would disregard friends and family. I would not do sports, continue my martial arts training, or practice playing the drums which is MY HOBBY. I love it and I am a total Jazz fanatic, I have won competitions and I meet awesome people. Outside of my gaming phases, I really make the best out of my life. I am healthier, I am reliable, I make progress. Last years summer academy I was in with some extremely intelligent people was the best time I ever had in my life. Also, often when I am at school, I am extremely happy and motivated. Then, once I come home all of it fades and I become lazy and sluggish again which means a lot of the time, I am actually living a double life. This is frustrating and I believe you know that. I am lying to my parents and I am pretending that I actually work hard at school. 

I have relapsed so often now. I have decided to quit gaming for good because I just cannot do it in moderation. I am doing a YouTube and TV detox at the same time. These bad habits are my instant gratification replacements for gaming I do not want them to take control over my life because they already did recently (The former even yesterday). Furthermore, this step is crucial for my life. I want to study psychology and actually help people. I am fascinated by this subject. My A-Level-pre-exams literally start in two weeks and I need exceptional grades to achieve my dream. I just want to break free of the sin-graph my life is at the moment.

For this, I need help. When I tried quitting gaming in the past I tried to keep it to my own, out of shame I guess. Admittedly, I have hidden a lot of my will to grow. Luckily, drumming and my parents and psychology always worked like anchors for me. But sadly they are not enough. I need to be honest with the world around me because I have realized that I cannot do this alone. I will definitely tell my parents. And my friends need to know (Actually, I have talked to one about my decision today. Even though he did not understand me and my issue at all because he knowingly (THIS WOULD KILL ME!) continues his bad habits, I am glad I did. ) Writing this little introduction to myself is the first public commitment I give to become a non-gamer.

 

I am David, I am a student who has a gaming problem and I am quitting this sh*t! Tomorrow will be the my first day of me writing this journal and I am actually quite excited of what is coming even though the cravings may become intense. 

PS: If you struggle with any addiction. Getting good grades and being good at your hobbies does not mean there is no problem!

Edited by Captain_Pilz
  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good luck with all the challenges, which are coming. And you also already achieved quite a lot of progress. Can't wait to hear from you through your journal. 🙂 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey fellow Game Quitters, 

today is Day 1 of my personal journal in which I share my process throughout the 90 day detox and further.

To make a short note on yesterday: I went to martial arts training the first time in two months and immediately managed to set a realistic goal for the future.

If I had to rate this day on a scale between one and ten, I would give it an ambivalent five.

In the morning, I was quite motivated at school. I had a few nice chats and I especially loved my religion class. Coming home, I faced a trial and I failed: I did not watch YouTube, I did not play video games but I „sneaked in“ two hours of Netflix. This is due to a bad habit I formed over the last few years, where I would watch YouTube and TV when I ate alone. I cannot stress how important it is to adress this habit! Luckily, I managed to catch myself and I had the late afternoon at my disposal to study.
The one thing I could not be more proud of today is that I gathered the courage to talk to my parent about my issues and be totally honest with them. And I am grateful that I can count on their emotional support.

Tomorrow I will focus on: Breaking through my procrastination cycle.

In gratitude

David

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to the forums. You're not alone in trying to quit and struggling with it for periods of time. I'm currently 501 days free from video games. I tried quitting from 2008 to 2018 until it finally clicked for me through deep research and internal understanding. Take your time with it.

Feel free to check out my tips for quitting games here:

How to Quit Games - 500+ Days Without Playing

You can also check my introduction story here as it might help you relate:

My Gaming Addiction Story

Check out people's diaries. I wouldn't suggest sitting and reading for hours, but I do suggest seeing how people deal with gaming addiction on a day to day basis and see what you might expect and learn how people are dealing with the addiction recovery and sobriety.

Good luck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Captain_Pilz said:


The one thing I could not be more proud of today is that I gathered the courage to talk to my parent about my issues and be totally honest with them. And I am grateful that I can count on their emotional support.

Tomorrow I will focus on: Breaking through my procrastination cycle.

In gratitude

David

You were brave to do that. What was the reaction like?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Here we go again! It is Day 2 and I am on fire!

My goal for today was to beat my procrastinating behavior and to learn for my exams next week. In the morning, I was lucky to have some free time since a few teachers were missing. I informed myself on breaking procrastination with an episode of Jay Shetty's podcast and I managed to get going with Physics. After lunch, it still took me an hour to start working again but nevertheless, I managed to finish every single task on my ToDo-List. I checked and it is the first time I accomplished this feat in 2020! Now, I really want to keep my head down and conserve my momentum.

Tomorrow I will focus on: Repeating what I did today!

@BooksandTreesThank you for your tip to check out diaries. Over 500 days without gaming is a massive accomplishment which is even more impressive considering you struggled to quit for 8 years! I am grateful for you support. 

@Amphibian220: Great, thanks! They really listened and I could tell them everything. I feel like I trust them, which is awesome. It also seemed to be quite relieving to them since they clearly recognized I was off lately.

This is the podcast episode: It was helpful to me. It might be to you. https://jayshetty.me/6-reasons-we-overthink-4-steps-to-break-down-your-procrastination-pattern/

In pride

David

Edited by Captain_Pilz
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Very true what you said in your first post about how getting good grades and all that doesn't necessarily mean you're doing well in life. At the height of my drinking and gaming "career" I was in upper management for a very famous restaurant company making over $100,000 a year, living in a very nice apartment in Los Angeles, was dating multiple girls at a time, etc. I don't say that to brag but to point out how far one can fall because of this sh*t... I now make less than $40,000, live with my mom in Detroit, and have no friends. All thanks to booze and gaming.

Edited by ceponatia
Said "all thanks to booze and drinking" at the end, lol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Things did not go as well as I wanted today. I got home later in the afternoon than expected and I was quite exhausted. Dealt with some serious cravings and did not have the power/ did not feel like I have the power to push through work. Accordingly, I played a lot of drums which works extremely well against cravings for me. 

Tomorrow is a new day. What I can accomplish comes down to how my morning looks like. So that is my focus: Getting a good morning and breaking through the initial aversion towards work.

@ceponatia: This is serious and something I would definitely like to avoid. How did you feel when you realized this fall? Did quitting gaming change your outlook on your current situation?

In hope

David

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Captain_Pilz I would recommend a positive perspective. The idea of avoiding something in this case gaming creates tension. What really worked for me instead to focus on something positive instead. Like working out, creativity, your job or whatever. Right now, you are heading straight towards relapse. Which is not a bad thing. But, I also think you are doing so many things right already. Work on your morning routine. Improve it, get good at it, become even obsessed with it. I for quite a while was awake at 5 in the morning. Not anymore, but again, I really was obsessed with this perfect morning. This one of the things, which eventually triggered me to stop gaming.

So stop caring about not gaming. Start caring about your morning, your drums, your body, your social life. That is, where you get the momentum, which turn the "fight" against games into an easy win for you.

Edited by Alexanderle

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Captain_Pilz said:

 

@ceponatia: This is serious and something I would definitely like to avoid. How did you feel when you realized this fall? Did quitting gaming change your outlook on your current situation?

In hope

David

Well I was naturally pretty devastated, lol. It was masked for a long time by my drinking... I just went about my day working in shit jobs so that I could buy alcohol. It really got noticeable when I quit drinking though... that I was decades "behind" my peers in almost every measurable way. "They" say not to compare yourself to others and we all have our own path... but come on... I was 35 and I lived with my mother, didn't have a college education, no friends, no hobbies, barely an income... I was behind. Haha.

It's much better now. I wouldn't say quitting gaming completely changed me but it helped improve what I'd already started by quitting drinking. I'm able to spend even more time on school and hobbies. I've acquired several promotions at work. Even got accepted to an honors society where I'll probably make some friends. Things could be better but they're nowhere near as bad as they were 2 years ago and technically I'm doing better than I ever have before in my life. I may have made a lot of money and slept with a lot of women when I was in my 20s, but I wasn't happy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Another day without games has passed. It was by no means perfect but I am content with what I did and learned today.

As Alexanderle talked about mornings, let me speak about my morning. During the week, I have no difficulties waking up early and being efficient. By contrast, I often struggle with weekends as there is no plan and no (apparent) need to get done. Today was basically the same. I could not force myself to work. Before noon, I even ended up on YouTube where I noticed something strange. 

Watching videos became unbearable. I knew I was procrastinating and my mind would not stop circling until I actually started to work over an hour later. On the other hand, I felt this intense aversion towards studying that kept me from doing so. You probably know that awkward, agonizing in-between-space. I also experienced lots of brain fog that immediately disappeared when I wrote.

In the afternoon, I managed to write two medium sized texts in preparation for my English-exam on Monday and I played some drums to James Brown recordings which is really fun. And I called my grandparents, something I do not do often enough.

@Alexanderle: Thank you for your tips concerning mindsets and morning routines which I will definitely consider. How do you start free mornings?

Tomorrow, I really want to finish that Physics topic I am onto right now.

Thanks for all your amazing support.

David

 

Edited by Captain_Pilz
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Captain_Pilz I can so relate to your struggle regarding procrastination. It is a lot better for me now. I think I mostly beat procrastination. Ofc, it still passes by here and then and says hello. xD
 

I do not differentiate between free and busy mornings. They are all the same. That way, I always avoid the trap of falling into a hole, when there is nothing to do. In the evening I already prepare certain things: But ingredients for my oatmeal on my table in the kitchen, maybe the coffeemaker ready, so that I only need to press start the next day, I put a big glass of water next to my bed and my cloths are ready to be picked up immediately. 

In the morning, I first drink that glass of water. I open the windows and make my bed. Then stuff in the bathroom: Shower, shaving, grooming. Then I make my oatmeal, which is strictly without sugar or bad ingredients, just water/milk, the oats and some fruits. This way, I have a clean meal already, which makes me quite full for hours and I feel motivated to eat clean throughout the whole day. Then I sit in front of the computer and do, whatever I want or feel is needed. Sometimes I work, sometimes I watch a basketball game from last night. Right now, I am trying to extend this routine, by maybe starting with some duolingo after breakfast. But this is a work in progress. xD But just this morning routine gives me a lot of energy for the day and the feeling of accomplishment. Tough to explain. But without this morning routine, which I started around November, I would have never considered to fight procrastination and become a hardworker, which then was the reason for me to quit games.

The most important thing: There is nothing "left" from last night: No dirty dishes. Nothing, which is not in the right place. This day is a brand new opportunity for me to explore the world, without the "garbage" of yesterday.

 

Regarding your physics stuff: Do you like physics?

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know the struggle with Physics. It is so fascinating to learn about, at the same time it sometimes feels like pulling your hair out slowly.

For me the best way to start is by writing down what I already know about the topic or concept I want to learn about. Even if it is just guessing and totally wrong.
Then I start filling the gaps while going through the material. I also add new questions and "insights", even if they are arrogant and sassy. I sometimes even insult physics when I think the formula is completely wrong and stupid and has nothing to do with how it actually works. As I learn more about the topic, I correct myself and explain in my own words.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
48 minutes ago, Captain_Pilz said:

During the week, I have no difficulties waking up early and being efficient. By contrast, I often struggle with weekends as there is no plan and no (apparent) need to get done.

This is something everyone struggles with and actually leads to a lot of relapse in most addictions, not just video games. My suggestion is exercising, studying, meal prepping, or finding a hobby that is nice in the mornings like yoga or something. Even something to get out of the house like golf, swimming, yoga, tennis, walking in the park, trying a restaurant, grocery shopping, etc. Not many people grocery shop before 9 AM so it could be a good time to get out there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My first gaming free week is over and it is Day 5 of my journal. 

Today was intense. I worked a lot and my A-Levels really keep me going right now. As I wanted, I finished the most arduous topic for my Physics class: The Schrödinger equation! Furthermore, I wrote another text as a practice for my English-exam tomorrow. 

The rest of the time, I watched a lot of keynotes about presentation which is a fascinating skill I definitely want to elaborate on once I finish my final exams.

Also, it is Sunday. Obviously. Accordingly, I would like to share either a small fact about myself or something that influenced me deeply each week. Let me talk about my username. It clearly has a gaming background and I first used it when playing Clash of Clans a few years ago. After this, every single avatar of mine was named „Captain_Pilz“. However, I am now officially a committed non-gamer and this takes away its identity. Its significance is still to high because it always stood for the dream of becoming a YouTuber, especially in the early years. Therefore, I decided to make it part of my journey and make it a symbol of growth and hope in my life.

As I have a long and important exam tomorrow I will just attempt to be mindful and keep myself occupied throughout the afternoon.

In focus

David

 

Edited by Captain_Pilz
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 6:

Today, I wrote a 5 hour long English-exam. It was exhausting but also kind of fun. Our teacher let us analyze an article about Mark Zuckerberg and comment on the impact of social media on the present generation. Just consider what we do here for a moment. This was an absolute jackpot for me!🥳 After school, I visited my grandparents for lunch. I hadn't seen them in a while, too. Back home, I did not manage to work much more. Obviously. I mean who does after such a straining morning? I still did a simple but comprehensive experiment evaluation we had for homework. Other than that, I played some drums listened to some music.

21 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

Man you are making really good progress. Keep going. 🙂 

Thanks to all of you for rooting for me. Posting here really helps in comparison to trying to quit on my own. When I struggle throughout the day, I feel that sense of obligation. Strangely, it doesn't add pressure at all but rather pleasantly gives me another reason to live a good day. Apart from that, I cannot thank @Alexanderle enough for your tips about morning routines. As soon as I get this Physics exam out of the way, I will dive into it... deeply.

Tomorrow, even though I cannot stand the thought right now I want to work a whole lot for my Physics advanced course in order to succeed at the upcoming exam on Thursday.

In gratitude

David

Edited by Captain_Pilz
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 7 and one week in:

I will not write much today. My day was really bad, a massive fallback compared to the progress I made over the last few days. Did not work, did not go to my training, watched a whole lot of YouTube. Of course, I also feel bad about myself, but mainly I feel exhausted and frustrated and ill

It all started off with porn and it is the second time that I notice it making me regress. Last time was a big relapse. I must be careful about this. What are your experiences?

Tomorrow, it‘s just about doing better than today. Honestly, this is all I want!

 

Edited by Captain_Pilz
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I recently had a relapse in porn. Now I am not really watching it again since quite some time. I am not really counting. But if there is one thing that I know regarding this journey: You have good times and bad times. The bad times are actually not that bad as people often think. A relapse just means that you fell, but now you can step up again. The only difference regarding the impact, whether yesterday was a good or a bad day, is that the good day gives you momentum. The bad day steals a bit. So your job is, to cultivate more of that momentum. It is not important, what happens over only one day, but over a big span of days. Eating bad once is alright, eating bad for a month is bad. Eating good for 30 days than having one bad day and then another 30 good days is excellent. 🙂

Edited by Alexanderle
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Someone said that the most important thing is to not mess up the second time. Everybody breaks a streak but when you do it twice in a row you're usually going to be off your game for a long while.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Progress not perfection has been a key mindset for me in life. I think it applies wel to your process too. Porn has been hard for me to deal with . This recent streak of two months is the longest I’ve done nofap. But I still get triggered when I read about other people’s struggles with porn and will sometimes have dreams about porn or gaming still from getting triggered. For me keeping a counter up here on nofap has been the most helpful. Just thinking, “I don’t want to restart the counter.” Has helped me nofap. Good luck.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two days later. Yesterday, I focused on preparing for my Physics exam, so I didn‘t write here. It just got too late.


Today worked quite well for me. Learning for that exam definitely helped. Now that it is basically finished, although I still have one in April, a little void appears. I took the afternoon off, maybe even did a little too less. 


My task for tomorrow is setting long term goals I can actively work towards.... And also watch less YouTube.

David

Edited by Captain_Pilz

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Struggled a lot today and fought with a lot of cravings. I am actually getting ill right now and I just hope it is not Covid-19. After Monday, many schools here in Germany will close until after eastern and so does ours.

These are quite some times we are in right now!

Tomorrow, I will try to concentrate as well as I can and get healthy.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...