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Ikar

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Day 210:

I've finished Manson's Models today. Reading (and sometimes re-reading and taking notes) about 300 pages in under a week, I have to say it was an intriguing read, it mostly went along my line of thinking (the importance of polarization in various endeavors) and connected a bunch of dots for me I didn't expect to be connected.

I disabled OKC today and deleted Tinder a few days ago. I'm planning to nail all the work for uni in the next 2 weeks, before I move. I expect some 30 hours of work to be done with the various assignments. I also commit myself to 2 week long "no ejaculation".

Time to get serious.

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16 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 210:

I've finished Manson's Models today. Reading (and sometimes re-reading and taking notes) about 300 pages in under a week, I have to say it was an intriguing read, it mostly went along my line of thinking (the importance of polarization in various endeavors) and connected a bunch of dots for me I didn't expect to be connected.

I disabled OKC today and deleted Tinder a few days ago. I'm planning to nail all the work for uni in the next 2 weeks, before I move. I expect some 30 hours of work to be done with the various assignments. I also commit myself to 2 week long "no ejaculation".

Time to get serious.

What are Manson's Models? Is it just the collection of his articles you've linked me previously? I don't blame you for deleting OKC and Tinder. I got so frustrated with these apps as you've probably read in my diary. It is very clear that a lot of people use these as a confidence boost to see who's interested in them. I would actually go as far as to say dating apps are the emotional equivalent to porn for women. I think women get more attention than men on the apps due to there being a 70-30 male-to-female ratio on the apps. On porn websites men can get as many women as they want and see whatever style of video they want. For dating apps women can see dozens of men flirt with them and give them attention if they're feeling lonely or want attention. I'm not saying this as a bad thing. I just think it's a similar addiction, but instead of sexual it's emotional. Honestly, it can be sexual for dating apps as well. I think the pornstars suffer by the porn studios and are treated poorly. I think many people on dating apps get used, ignored, played with, and treated poorly on the other end of people emotionally using them. I think they're very similar.

Did you find an apartment already?

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

What are Manson's Models? Is it just the collection of his articles you've linked me previously? I don't blame you for deleting OKC and Tinder. I got so frustrated with these apps as you've probably read in my diary. It is very clear that a lot of people use these as a confidence boost to see who's interested in them. I would actually go as far as to say dating apps are the emotional equivalent to porn for women. I think women get more attention than men on the apps due to there being a 70-30 male-to-female ratio on the apps. On porn websites men can get as many women as they want and see whatever style of video they want. For dating apps women can see dozens of men flirt with them and give them attention if they're feeling lonely or want attention. I'm not saying this as a bad thing. I just think it's a similar addiction, but instead of sexual it's emotional. Honestly, it can be sexual for dating apps as well. I think the pornstars suffer by the porn studios and are treated poorly. I think many people on dating apps get used, ignored, played with, and treated poorly on the other end of people emotionally using them. I think they're very similar.

Did you find an apartment already?

"Models" are his previous work from 2011. He started out as a PUA and coached other men later on, but realized that there's more to dating women than just saying a bunch of good lines and conversation techniques. In me, it resonated with the ideas Peterson presented, back when I was building my life back up and filling the holes left by gaming and my ex. It's definitely worth a read.

It could very well be that porn for men (sexual/physical attraction) has the same function as dating apps (attention/desirability) for women, though it can also be love series (emotional connection) and it seems that female attraction is more varied. Nobody really wins in these scenarios though, unless the two decide to get up, get out there and meet. It's not that dating apps or porn are bad, it's just that the majority of one sex misuses them.

I plan to live on the uni dorms, so I got that covered.

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Day 211:

I told the whole family about my plan to move today on lunch. Other than that, I worked on my report for some time. It was a good day.

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Hi!!

Congrats on your big move!! I think living on campus will be great for you! From my experience, I was able to walk to club meetings and campus events. Just hang out with others in the dorm. Walk to sporting events. 
 

But this could be a double edged sword. You have to make sure you keep your focus on school and working and pick just a couple of activities that you would like to invest your time and energy in. 
 

You sound very logical and level headed so you will be fine! 
 

Congats my friend!!!!!

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1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

Hi!!

Congrats on your big move!! I think living on campus will be great for you! From my experience, I was able to walk to club meetings and campus events. Just hang out with others in the dorm. Walk to sporting events. 
 

But this could be a double edged sword. You have to make sure you keep your focus on school and working and pick just a couple of activities that you would like to invest your time and energy in. 
 

You sound very logical and level headed so you will be fine! 
 

Congats my friend!!!!!

Those are exactly my thoughts! I'm aware of the fact that I still have to study, so I will make sure I am caught up on uni work in the next 2 weeks, while I am still at home. I think I got the grip on at least the very basic time usage in my life in the past several months, so it shouldn't be a problem for me.

Thanks for your post! It made me smile 🙂

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Day 212:

Teaching went fine, I think I handled one more volatile situation well enough, mainly through empathy and not taking things personally. I got home, ordered a few things and prepared for tomorrow.

No Ejaculation: 12 days

It was interesting to see how my brain worked during this little exercise. I walked around intently for about 15 minutes, practicing (borderline psychopathic) eye contact; not breaking it before the other person breaks it. I have no issues with that and in fact I "stared down" a random man from walking into me from a side. He gestured that my path is clear and I thanked him.

What was more interesting that during these 15 minutes, it felt like I was only passing by men (not my target group) or talking pairs of women (anxiety?) and I seemingly wasn't able to find a good looking woman to ask her for the time.

It was easier for me after leaving work. I was on my bike, spotted a woman walking in my direction and got off the bike. She was a foreigner, so I had to ask in English. She left me check her watch, I thanked her and continued cycling. Got it.

Daily female action: Asked a random woman on the street what the time was.

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Day 213:

Teaching went fine and I am dead tired.

No Ejaculation: 11 days left

Daily female action: I chatted with one of the students after the last class, because there were, oddly enough, just the two of us, so I took it as an extension of the conversation we had in English.

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It’s going to be a long post, since I will try to sum up my 7 months without games. I will try to compare it to the previous 7-8 months, which would approximately equate the time since I left the army, up until I decided to drop games.

“A” will stand for after and “B” for before the time I quit games and “C” for commentary. “P” will stand for plan.

 

Books:

B: I remember reading “The Power of Now” by Tolle, a gift from my ex, and some pages from the “Four Hour Body” by Ferriss. I think this equates to about 200 pages.

A: I read “12 Rules for Life” by Peterson, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Manson, “Models: Attract Women Through Honesty” by Manson, and “Gulag Archipelago” volume I by Solzhenitsyn.

The total amount of pages read would be about 1300.

😄 I think I managed to gradually push book reading from random crash courses to habits, so when I read today, I read less but more often. The list doesn’t include readings for university.

P: Keep on the habit of spending at least an hour a day with a book. Re-read some bits of “Models” and finish “Gulag Archipelago”.

 

Languages:

B: I had decent English (both written and spoken) by this point, as well as some basics of Russian.

A: I think I expanded my English knowledge (growing) and my Russian as well (stasis). I started teaching myself more and visited some English seminars.

😄 It’s hard to gauge, but I think my English got a bit better. Russian got a bit better as well, mainly due to routine.

P: Keep the Russian in stasis by spending 20 minutes a day on Duolingo. I’m more curious about looking up unknown vocab in English.

           

Job:

B: I was streaming full-time. I had a few classes here and there for English, but I think it’s hardly worth mentioning. I couldn’t hold a job. I positively disliked anything that wasn’t streaming/gaming.

A: I’m up to some 10 hours a week, split into two days. It’s paid well enough, so I can live off that without going into negative numbers, while having accommodation, food and some fun.

😄 I’m quite happy with the state of things here. I don’t think I need to pick up more hours than this, simply because I don’t have too much use for even more money and I’d rather use that time elsewhere. Sometimes I feel anxiety, while presenting myself to people who are much older than I am. I think I’m learning to enjoy the feeling though.

P: Maintain my current workload, perhaps slightly increase it over time, as I get more experience. Get some additional official paperwork done in the new year. It should help both with exposure and financially.

 

Dating:

B: I was with my ex.

A: I haven’t been on a date since.

😄 I got complimented by a few of my older female acquaintances on that I behave responsibly these times. I don’t have issues sharing my past and I always appreciate different takes on it from others.

I think I am more receptive of the signs women are giving me. I also think I know what behaviors in women I am after and if/how they differ from mine.

P: The action plans/goals described in “Models” seem very solid. I’ll stick to that, as I don’t find anything impossible there.

 

Family:

B: I never felt overly close with it before. At some point back then, I remember uttering/writing something along the lines of that saying I loved my family was a phrase, something you have to say, no matter what.

A: There were surprisingly two phases. At first, I stuck with it and was very close with mom. I had a secure place to get my life together, which was especially important in April/May, when I was at my lowest.

After that though, I realized that a TON of my behaviors that sabotaged me were either learnt through my parents directly or through neglect, especially from father’s side.

I had this click in my head, when I started analyzing the life situations of both my ex and me, mostly before I left for Iceland.

😄 I’m sad about the mom/dad dynamic. I’m not sad about how that affected me though. I’m sad about the fact that it seems to me as if they were together only so they are not alone. There’s a walloping difference between that and WANTING to be together.

P: Maintain the relationships as they are, but assert myself, as I am currently doing by moving. I plan to visit my parents for lunches on weekends.

 

University:

B: I actually made all the exams I wanted easily and I had to pull only one all-nighter, shortly after the breakup.

A: I think the difficulty ramped up a little, but I also got better at managing my time, so I can spread out studying/assignments better over longer spans of time.

😄 I feel like the university plays a staple, but secondary role in my life. I don’t love it, but I also don’t hate it. It’s alright. It will get more important once I am at the dorms, as I'll be more connected in the network.

P: Finish the degree in about a year and a half. Join the uni's social life.

 

Exercise/movement:

B: I barely lifted a finger after I left the army. I lost a few kilos of muscle.

A: I’m back on my army weight. I cycle short/medium distances. I am not too inclined to exercise when the weather outside is bad, since I don’t have a strict routine.

😄 I know weight is not all there’s to it, but I never set up any other measures to objectively evaluate my fitness. I’m skinny/fit.

P: There is a gym on the dorms, so I will be using that for the winter. I’m also planning on joining some sports team.

Thoughts, ideas and additional comments:

 

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had in March/April, because it could be deadly.

I’m passively scanning for some opportunities to drum in some amateur band.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

 

Thanks to everyone accompanying me on the journey. From the GQ bunch,

that'd be @BooksandTrees , primarily because his comments are thought provoking and I enjoy being called out on my bullshit. Thanks also go to @Icandothis , @Phoenixking , @ConstantlyLost for support, as well as many others, who have commented in the past, but left the forum for a longer period.
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4 hours ago, Ikar said:

It’s going to be a long post, since I will try to sum up my 7 months without games. I will try to compare it to the previous 7-8 months, which would approximately equate the time since I left the army, up until I decided to drop games.

 

“A” will stand for after and “B” for before the time I quit games and “C” for commentary. “P” will stand for plan.

 

 

 

Books:

 

B: I remember reading “The Power of Now” by Tolle, a gift from my ex, and some pages from the “Four Hour Body” by Ferriss. I think this equates to about 200 pages.

 

A: I read “12 Rules for Life” by Peterson, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Manson, “Models: Attract Women Through Honesty” by Manson, and “Gulag Archipelago” volume I by Solzhenitsyn.

 

The total amount of pages read would be about 1300.

 

😄 I think I managed to gradually push book reading from random crash courses to habits, so when I read today, I read less but more often. The list doesn’t include readings for university.

 

P: Keep on the habit of spending at least an hour a day with a book. Re-read some bits of “Models” and finish “Gulag Archipelago”.

 

 

 

Languages:

 

B: I had decent English (both written and spoken) by this point, as well as some basics of Russian.

 

 

 

A: I think I expanded my English knowledge (growing) and my Russian as well (stasis). I started teaching myself more and visited some English seminars.

 

 

 

😄 It’s hard to gauge, but I think my English got a bit better. Russian got a bit better as well, mainly due to routine.

 

 

 

P: Keep the Russian in stasis by spending 20 minutes a day on Duolingo. I’m more curious about looking up unknown vocab in English.

 

           

 

Job:

 

B: I was streaming full-time. I had a few classes here and there for English, but I think it’s hardly worth mentioning. I couldn’t hold a job. I positively disliked anything that wasn’t streaming/gaming.

 

A: I’m up to some 10 hours a week, split into two days. It’s paid well enough, so I can live off that without going into negative numbers, while having accommodation, food and some fun.

 

 

😄 I’m quite happy with the state of things here. I don’t think I need to pick up more hours than this, simply because I don’t have too much use for even more money and I’d rather use that time elsewhere. Sometimes I feel anxiety, while presenting myself to people who are much older than I am. I think I’m learning to enjoy the feeling though.

 

P: Maintain my current workload, perhaps slightly increase it over time, as I get more experience. Get some additional official paperwork done in the new year. It should help both with exposure and financially.

 

Dating:

 

B: I was with my ex.

 

A: I haven’t been on a date since.

 

😄 I got complimented by a few of my older female acquaintances on that I behave responsibly these times. I don’t have issues sharing my past and I always appreciate different takes on it from others.

 

I think I am more receptive of the signs women are giving me. I also think I know what behaviors in women I am after and if/how they differ from mine.

 

P: The action plans/goals described in “Models” seem very solid. I’ll stick to that, as I don’t find anything impossible there.

 

 

 

Family:

 

B: I never felt overly close with it before. At some point back then, I remember uttering/writing something along the lines of that saying I loved my family was a phrase, something you have to say, no matter what.

 

A: There were surprisingly two phases. At first, I stuck with it and was very close with mom. I had a secure place to get my life together, which was especially important in April/May, when I was at my lowest.

 

After that though, I realized that a TON of my behaviors that sabotaged me were either learnt through my parents directly or through neglect, especially from father’s side.

 

I had this click in my head, when I started analyzing the life situations of both my ex and me, mostly before I left for Iceland.

 

😄 I’m sad about the mom/dad dynamic. I’m not sad about how that affected me though. I’m sad about the fact that it seems to me as if they were together only so they are not alone. There’s a walloping difference between that and WANTING to be together.

 

P: Maintain the relationships as they are, but assert myself, as I am currently doing by moving. I plan to visit my parents for lunches on weekends.

 

 

 

University:

 

B: I actually made all the exams I wanted easily and I had to pull only one all-nighter, shortly after the breakup.

 

A: I think the difficulty ramped up a little, but I also got better at managing my time, so I can spread out studying/assignments better over longer spans of time.

 

😄 I feel like the university plays a staple, but secondary role in my life. I don’t love it, but I also don’t hate it. It’s alright. It will get more important once I am at the dorms, as I'll be more connected in the network.

 

P: Finish the degree in about a year and a half. Join the uni's social life.

 

 

 

Exercise/movement:

 

B: I barely lifted a finger after I left the army. I lost a few kilos of muscle.

 

A: I’m back on my army weight. I cycle short/medium distances. I am not too inclined to exercise when the weather outside is bad, since I don’t have a strict routine.

 

😄 I know weight is not all there’s to it, but I never set up any other measures to objectively evaluate my fitness. I’m skinny/fit.

 

P: There is a gym on the dorms, so I will be using that for the winter. I’m also planning on joining some sports team.

 

 

 

 

Thoughts, ideas and additional comments:

 

 

 

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had in March/April, because it could be deadly.

 

I’m passively scanning for some opportunities to drum in some amateur band.

 

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

 

Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling.

 

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

 

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

 

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

 

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

 

 

 

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

 

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

 

 

I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

 

 

 

Thanks to everyone accompanying me on the journey. From the GQ bunch,

 

that'd be @BooksandTrees , primarily because his comments are thought provoking and I enjoy being called out on my bullshit. Thanks also go to @Icandothis , @Phoenixking , @ConstantlyLost for support, as well as many others, who have commented in the past, but left the forum for a longer period.

Great fucking post. I love to see this. I think you have shown great progress here and it shows. I think the relationship and anxiety changes have been the most interesting so far from your life. I think you've been changing so much about yourself that it's going to take some time to date again. I think we go through so many changes and need to take some time to get to know ourselves truly. Love ourselves truly and really find out what our essence to life is. Once that happens we'll find someone so easily. I just think right now we're changing so much it's too dynamic to sneak someone into this change.

It's nice seeing your security and confidence grow and I've appreciated your perspective on your own issues and my issues as well. It's great and I'm proud of the journey you're on. Keep it up.

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19 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Great fucking post. I love to see this. I think you have shown great progress here and it shows. I think the relationship and anxiety changes have been the most interesting so far from your life. I think you've been changing so much about yourself that it's going to take some time to date again. I think we go through so many changes and need to take some time to get to know ourselves truly. Love ourselves truly and really find out what our essence to life is. Once that happens we'll find someone so easily. I just think right now we're changing so much it's too dynamic to sneak someone into this change.

It's nice seeing your security and confidence grow and I've appreciated your perspective on your own issues and my issues as well. It's great and I'm proud of the journey you're on. Keep it up.

I think it's a shame more people here don't do this kind of thing, with almost 10k subs on YT and 2.7k here on the forums. They could see the stark contrast over a couple of months.

"Anxiety, almost by its very definition, represents a high level of investment of your identity in the opinion of others." - Mark Manson

I think my anxiety levels have gone down. Unless I am physically/psychically consciously torturing someone, I'm basically free to do whatever I want.

I think in the past, in the army, I based too much of my identity off of others. If they felt shitty, I felt shitty too. I was too malleable. Once I made enough money than I knew what to do with, I decided to do the logical thing to quit if I feel shitty about my job.

As for dating, but relationships in general, I realized I am intrigued by people with opinions, even if I don't have to agree with them, and especially if I happen to resonate with their experience. I sort of chickened out putting this into the text, but I think I'm about to meet a bunch of people in a couple of weeks and I need a simple heuristic for women I could possibly date. Yes/No. Up until I actually happen to approach a woman and talk to her, I can't evaluate her on anything else but physical attractiveness. I feel like I have to combat my sexual anxiety at times, but it's probably gonna take me some time to fully grasp this concept, as I only recently stopped hiding behind dating apps and started doing something in person.

To be blunt, you can always have a woman in your life. The question is, how much of your identity are you ready to sacrifice for/invest in her?

5 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Wow!  Look at everything you have accomplished in less than a year! 
 

Small changes everyday, have led to big shifts in your life! So proud of you!!!!

We change all the time anyway, so we might as well change in a good manner!

Thanks to both of you for your comments 🙂

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Time to report three days in a row. 214 was party time, 215 was report time and 216 is today. Using my Excel schedule to pull some data.

Day 214:

I went to the shop in the morning. I nailed some mails and I also actually got around to my drums after three years to play a bit. I wrote a part of my 210 days report and visited my grandma.

I went to a party in a club afterwards. I thought a friend of mine was going there as well, but he didn't come in the end. I didn't know anyone there, so I met a couple of people and talked to them to at least get me started. I had a good chat with one of the guys for about an hour and we might meet again. The rest of the evening, I changed groups of people, sometimes saying something myself and sometimes just listening to them. I also danced. I even approached a few girls to dance with me and although one accepted, it didn't progress past that. Beginnings are hard, haha!

I'll have to do this more times to see how the nightclub environment suits me. It was a good experience for the first time I did this.

Day 215:

I watched the 1976 Network. It was a pretty raw film, I enjoyed it. I think it's even more actual than it was 43 years before, back when TV basically had a monopoly on in-home entertainment. It shows the shift from serious news coverage to sensation hunting.

I finished my report above. I started watching Black Adder series 4 as well. I also read a bit of the Gulag Archipelago volume II.

Both those days above I felt high energy, but low focus to get something done.

Day 216:  

I went to school today. We discussed a few interesting ideas from psychology, so it was stimulating and I had a good time. Some of my family and I went to the cinema to see Ford v Ferrari. It was a nice film, based on historic events.

No Ejaculation: 8 days left (10 days done)

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Good job with the no ejaculation. It's very tough to deal with. What happens after? 

Club scenes can be fun. It's good to put yourself out there. I did this last year and had fun except I didn't enjoy staying up til 4 am to be in that scene so I left. It reminded me of gaming only 300 times more expensive. 

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Good job with the no ejaculation. It's very tough to deal with. What happens after? 

Club scenes can be fun. It's good to put yourself out there. I did this last year and had fun except I didn't enjoy staying up til 4 am to be in that scene so I left. It reminded me of gaming only 300 times more expensive. 

I feel more energetic as a result of not ejaculating. I practice non-ejaculatory orgasms. I think it primes me towards being more sexual and increases my stamina, though that's speculative.

Myself, I am fine with two beers or two shots to get me a bit more courageous. I'm going there to meet people, not to pass out and waste money. I plan on visiting potentially less expensive meetups as well. I think the prime time to be in a club is between 22-01. After that, basic lack of food/water starts to kick in heavily and the experience is not as enjoyable anymore.

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Day 217:

I went to visit my friend's English classes as a student/support this time. It was pretty intense to be an active student for about 9 hours. In one class, translated his sentences for like half an hour straight. Full focus, trying to stay dead on in the interpretation. It was great, but very exhausting.

Daily comfort zone/female action:

Day 214 had the night club party.

Day 215 had nothing.

Day 216 had me walking around the shopping mall with a straight back, looking people in the eye for about half an hour.

Today had probably the most botched invitation for a date. I enjoyed talking to one girl quite a bit for several minutes, so she left a good impression on me and looked nice as well. She was in a hurry though and seemed to be even in a more of a hurry after I raised this suggestion.

But you know what, I'll take it. I got started on this after several months and my actions show me I am serious about dating (or at the very least about having sex).

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Day 218:

I listened to the ep. 011 and ep. 015 of the Gaming the System by @James Good . I found out that we liked the same game in the past! It also got me thinking that we as humanity evolved way faster than our senses are able to deal with easily and that the world is just too damn complex.

I watched "Good Will Hunting" about a deranged genius youngster who snaps out of his know-all attitude and in the end goes out there and lives his life. It was a bit relatable.

I was inspired afterwards, so I got some of my errands done that needed to be done. I think I'm still a bit behind, but it's nothing tragic.

No Ejaculation: Got to 11 days. Not bad at all considering I was really provocative towards myself. Starting over.

Daily comfort zone/female action: 0

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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

Day 218:

I listened to the ep. 011 and ep. 015 of the Gaming the System by @James Good . I found out that we liked the same game in the past! It also got me thinking that we as humanity evolved way faster than our senses are able to deal with easily and that the world is just too damn complex.

I watched "Good Will Hunting" about a deranged genius youngster who snaps out of his know-all attitude and in the end goes out there and lives his life. It was a bit relatable.

I was inspired afterwards, so I got some of my errands done that needed to be done. I think I'm still a bit behind, but it's nothing tragic.

No Ejaculation: Got to 11 days. Not bad at all considering I was really provocative towards myself. Starting over.

Daily comfort zone/female action: 0

"Good Will Hunting" was filmed 30 minutes from where I live! Great movie. I also randomly listened to that podcast. I listened to episode 14 about porn. I found it helpful.

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21 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

"Good Will Hunting" was filmed 30 minutes from where I live! Great movie. I also randomly listened to that podcast. I listened to episode 14 about porn. I found it helpful.

It sure is! A friend told me his favorite scene was the one with "bench and lake and ducks". I watched that scene again. It shows how unimportant and second-rate facts are compared to experiences. Experiences aren't true or false. They're either memorable or they are not. In my teenage arrogance, I claimed to know everything, despite not doing almost anything.

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Day 219:

I started the day off with an interesting English lecture. Only a single student came to it, mother of two, somewhere in her forties. She came up with a couple of difficult words I didn't know the translation for, so I have to look them up for the next time. I did not get derailed by that though and admitted that she got me! Afterwards, we had a conversation about basically anything.

I'm not sure we got to the point, but she admitted being afraid of spiders anywhere and no matter how big. I got a bit puzzled by that at first, saying that I think spiders are quite cool creatures, unless they are crawling up my body. I somehow got the idea to relate to her though, as myself I am afraid of bees/wasps/hornets, telling her it probably goes back to when I was 4, playing in a sandpit, when something stung me so badly I remember crying for the next half an hour.

After that, she mentioned that she thinks she was able to condition her kids to be afraid of spiders as well. I remembered an old Peterson video, with him giving an example of how kids model their mother's behavior and responses to novel situations. If a mother would freak out because of a mouse running around, the kids would freak out as well, because their mother tagged it as dangerous.

I think it was a pretty cool class. In a way, I am proud she could share her vulnerability with me and vice versa. I really think there's a lot more to the classes, once the students are able to hold a decent conversation level of speaking.

Throughout the day, I read 3 chapters of "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It's a fairly direct book and I can relate to the stories in it.

Daily comfort zone/female action: In one of my other classes, I was able to introduce a new activity, with one of the students interpreting my English statements to Czech in real time. It was a small motivational speech, so the sentences revolved around that.

Edited by Ikar
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Day 220:

I did a few small errands in the morning, read more of "No More Mr Nice Guy". The forums dedicated to the book are very helpful too.

Daily comfort zone/female action: The last class was the most interesting today as well. I could say I did more of the same today, but perhaps I managed to show it in an even better way in the class. It's sometimes mentally challenging and I feel a bit anxious as well, but I also feel animated, confident and radiant and I think people sense it.

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Day 221:

In the morning, I had a Skype lesson and got the groceries. I also did a few tasks regarding my move, as a week from now, I will be in my new place.

I got an email from one of the companies I work. Some other company refused to pay the company I work for (under their name), so my company said they wouldn't pay me for the classes I had. I promptly sent them an email that I will not stand for this bullshit and that they better sort it out. I'm not sure if this was some kind of a shit test, but I always check my pay on my bank account. When I talk to my company's representatives in person, I'll mention this, as I think they fucked up.

I visited my grandma afterwards. I then decided I want to go out, as I felt somewhat lonely and restless. I remembered there would be a small self-help seminar in the area, so I decided to go there. It was called "Switch Off the Saboteurs in Your Head".

A lot of the concepts I've heard today were already familiar and they resembled a bunch of the principles I already try to abide by. I felt a bit anxious to ask too much to not be too distracting, but I asked about half the questions/made the observations I wanted to and reacted when it was appropriate.

After the seminar was over, I was approached by a woman in her 40s who was there with her daughter who was about 15. It seemed that she was impressed by my knowledge of books/historical events/psychology. I was equally surprised someone would walk up to me and express their interest in my statements/knowledge, outside of my English classes. I'm still a rookie in this!

XXXXX

Quote

I think in my case would it mean that I would feel guilt (for considering a woman I'd like to approach physically/sexually attractive) and anxiety (making excuses to not approach her - i.e. she looks too good to not be a slut, she'll embarrass me in front of everyone/I'll look like a dumb-ass if she rejects me). Confidence helps me get through that and it's one of the things I think women love.

I wrote the above statement in @Avnat Netzer 's journal this morning. For whatever reason, the "she looks too good to not be a slut" part seemed like the perfect example I could give, because it was based on my experience from last week's visit to the club.

I was shocked by that actually being the case, so I wrote my friend about it in the evening and tried to understand this weird belief of mine. Here I have very attractive women and here me thinking they are "this kind of girls", without even talking to them.

I'm happy I managed to detect this pathological pattern within me. The general implication of the above is this:

Don't underestimate the ability of people to hate others, because they do better/are better/have success in something. It's a very solid excuse to not try and get better, as it takes the responsibility away from them. It's very appealing. They can't get rid of a pathological belief before they actually make themselves aware of them. I guess nobody can.

I also noticed my disobedience levels are raising, for better or worse. It makes it easier to be spontaneous, but harder to stick to plans.

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On 11/27/2019 at 4:46 PM, Ikar said:

Day 221:

In the morning, I had a Skype lesson and got the groceries. I also did a few tasks regarding my move, as a week from now, I will be in my new place.

I got an email from one of the companies I work. Some other company refused to pay the company I work for (under their name), so my company said they wouldn't pay me for the classes I had. I promptly sent them an email that I will not stand for this bullshit and that they better sort it out. I'm not sure if this was some kind of a shit test, but I always check my pay on my bank account. When I talk to my company's representatives in person, I'll mention this, as I think they fucked up.

I visited my grandma afterwards. I then decided I want to go out, as I felt somewhat lonely and restless. I remembered there would be a small self-help seminar in the area, so I decided to go there. It was called "Switch Off the Saboteurs in Your Head".

A lot of the concepts I've heard today were already familiar and they resembled a bunch of the principles I already try to abide by. I felt a bit anxious to ask too much to not be too distracting, but I asked about half the questions/made the observations I wanted to and reacted when it was appropriate.

After the seminar was over, I was approached by a woman in her 40s who was there with her daughter who was about 15. It seemed that she was impressed by my knowledge of books/historical events/psychology. I was equally surprised someone would walk up to me and express their interest in my statements/knowledge, outside of my English classes. I'm still a rookie in this!

XXXXX

I wrote the above statement in @Avnat Netzer 's journal this morning. For whatever reason, the "she looks too good to not be a slut" part seemed like the perfect example I could give, because it was based on my experience from last week's visit to the club.

I was shocked by that actually being the case, so I wrote my friend about it in the evening and tried to understand this weird belief of mine. Here I have very attractive women and here me thinking they are "this kind of girls", without even talking to them.

I'm happy I managed to detect this pathological pattern within me. The general implication of the above is this:

Don't underestimate the ability of people to hate others, because they do better/are better/have success in something. It's a very solid excuse to not try and get better, as it takes the responsibility away from them. It's very appealing. They can't get rid of a pathological belief before they actually make themselves aware of them. I guess nobody can.

I also noticed my disobedience levels are raising, for better or worse. It makes it easier to be spontaneous, but harder to stick to plans.

Our emotions go in waves. 

I think you did the right thing by complaining about the pay. Jobs can be wonderful, but if you don't see a reward for your efforts then it's time to fight back. If it continues further then it's time to move on. 

You're putting so much effort into work and enjoying it. When something goes wrong at work it is natural to detach yourself from it due to anger as a self-defense mechanism. When you detach you feel more lonely, especially if work is the biggest part of your life (no wife, kids, etc.). I think going to the seminar was smart because it reinforced things you already found to be true (confidence builder) and you got things out of it that you were specifically looking for with asking questions.

The sex thing is tough. I'm going to write a scenario below. If I say the word "you" or "we" it's more of a noun to categorize the general population of men in our situation:

If you look at it strictly with biology glasses, males are meant to search for females to mate with to reproduce. We search for certain features because they're indicators that the baby will have better chances of survival. Then you'll want to hunt and gather for food and resources and then protect them. My point with this reference is in today's society sometimes the women at those clubs wear clothes which highlight those features you're looking for and internally you want to interact with them. The issue is that you can be rejected by them or see that maybe that crowd of women from the clubs aren't the ones who want to settle down and start a long term, committed relationship immediately. You're not looking for a fling either. So you meet someone in a non-club setting and they surprise you with their kindness, dialogue, intellect, and sense of person. You get the feeling they'd want something long term, then they wear something that you've coveted, but associated with something you've built hostility towards. It can be conflicting.

It's unfair to label groups of people in human society, no matter the situation, but all animals group other animals into dangerous, neutral, or friendly. It's a survival instinct. Even with non-animate objects "I ate bad broccoli and now I hate all vegetables". 

I wouldn't beat yourself up over judging that group of club goers. Everyone on this forum does it with different groups and situations. If I were you I would think about what brings the negative connotations to the club girls from you? Why are they highlighted as different than other women? Is it something where you are very attracted to them, but unhappy with them as well? I'd think about that because it might actually help you better understand what kinds of women you're actually attracted to and if there are women out there like that. I'm not saying go after looks either, but I'm just asking yourself to combine positive and negative traits from different kinds of women both physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

Sorry for being long-winded and if my example does not apply don't worry about it. It was just some sort of brainstorm I had from the quote and previous stories you had told.

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47 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think you did the right thing by complaining about the pay. Jobs can be wonderful, but if you don't see a reward for your efforts then it's time to fight back. If it continues further then it's time to move on. 

You're putting so much effort into work and enjoying it. When something goes wrong at work it is natural to detach yourself from it due to anger as a self-defense mechanism. When you detach you feel more lonely, especially if work is the biggest part of your life (no wife, kids, etc.). I think going to the seminar was smart because it reinforced things you already found to be true (confidence builder) and you got things out of it that you were specifically looking for with asking questions.

They did call me before about it, but I was in the middle of watching Blackadder, so they caught me unawares. I wrote them to write me in the email what they told me in the call after about an hour, to double-check if I understood correctly. It was "just" pay for two hours of classes, but I'm not sure if it's ever reasonable to discuss money matters over phone, no matter how negligible they are. I believe they should be sent by (e)mail or personally by signing something.

I enjoy lecturing and I think I could only find that out by quitting gaming. I do it for 10 hours a week, I could've had 15, but I thought I wouldn't want to overstretch myself. I always thought I was introverted, because I spent so much time at home by the computer (even though I streamed daily), but it seems I was wrong. Besides, I find the beginner classes fairly boring as I am basically just a translator for exercises in the book. But being skilled enough to create and cooperate in a situation like on Day 219... it's amazing.

My main focus now is to put myself out there, do some networking and see what/who sticks.

1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

The sex thing is tough. I'm going to write a scenario below. If I say the word "you" or "we" it's more of a noun to categorize the general population of men in our situation:

If you look at it strictly with biology glasses, males are meant to search for females to mate with to reproduce. We search for certain features because they're indicators that the baby will have better chances of survival. Then you'll want to hunt and gather for food and resources and then protect them. My point with this reference is in today's society sometimes the women at those clubs wear clothes which highlight those features you're looking for and internally you want to interact with them. The issue is that you can be rejected by them or see that maybe that crowd of women from the clubs aren't the ones who want to settle down and start a long term, committed relationship immediately. You're not looking for a fling either. So you meet someone in a non-club setting and they surprise you with their kindness, dialogue, intellect, and sense of person. You get the feeling they'd want something long term, then they wear something that you've coveted, but associated with something you've built hostility towards. It can be conflicting.

It's unfair to label groups of people in human society, no matter the situation, but all animals group other animals into dangerous, neutral, or friendly. It's a survival instinct. Even with non-animate objects "I ate bad broccoli and now I hate all vegetables". 

I wouldn't beat yourself up over judging that group of club goers. Everyone on this forum does it with different groups and situations. If I were you I would think about what brings the negative connotations to the club girls from you? Why are they highlighted as different than other women? Is it something where you are very attracted to them, but unhappy with them as well? I'd think about that because it might actually help you better understand what kinds of women you're actually attracted to and if there are women out there like that. I'm not saying go after looks either, but I'm just asking yourself to combine positive and negative traits from different kinds of women both physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

As for sex, I'm willing to consciously wait even several weeks before I get down to it. I think for most people, having sex implies relationship commitment, especially on the side of the woman. I don't have any hard numbers and nor do I think having sex is wrong, but I don't think it's very wise to commit to someone you've known for a few hours.

I guess I could think up some elaborate reason that women can look good even without what I'd consider "too much skin showing", but I think it's just that deep down in the unconscious I feel terrified of my biology, so I think I just try to shove the responsibility away from me by resenting these very attractive-looking girls. I'll try to be more present the next time and force myself to at least approach them. I know I can't fight my biology. I'm not even afraid by rejection as a result, because the (unspoken) rejection is there by default if I don't act at all. I do not think I am experienced enough to really gauge the club environment yet. I plan to go there about once a week, perhaps later on with some friends I meet.

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Day 222:

I did a ton of errands yesterday. Emails, setting up a small car repair and paperwork. I exercised for a while too. I had to go to a bank and I listened to a podcast. I also visited my brother and talked with him for a while.

I went outside afterwards, but I found out I got myself into a sports bar rather than a club. I chatted with a few guys and watched football on the TV. The ratio of guys/girls was about 5 to 1, so I spent about three hours there and then decided to go home.

Day 223:

I went to school today. The classes were quite nice.

No Ejaculation: 5 days

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