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Ikar

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3 minutes ago, Ikar said:

@ConstantlyLost

It's a pretty harsh thing to say, but I only started caring about my family on a more serious level only after I quit gaming, both in what was good and what was wrong about it. I don't think the result of me (and my ex) unconsciously still using our parents' behaviors as "default" was surprising then. It's good to be aware of that now though.

People hate unsolicited advice. This I learned as well. I mean, any addictive behavior you take part in basically means you hate yourself a little bit, want to make yourself miserable and perhaps eventually die. I also think it helps to confront addicts that the results of their self-destructive behavior also affect everyone around them. Yet, it's their decision to stop.

I talk to mom every now and then about the more serious things, my dad hardly knows I am off games. I think my parents tried to bridge a great temperamental gap and that they (and I guess partly me) are paying for it in their marriage. There's more topics, like me moving out, but I have to sort that out in my head first.

My ex's parents also felt like they were co-dependent. They even cheated on one another and somehow kept on living together. To spice it up, her mom and brother were addicts, she was really ashamed whenever I came in contact with them when they were under influence. I wonder how much this applied to mine, but objectively, at least drugs are not involved.

I found out making paper/Excel plans involving other people generally get completely ignored. My ex wouldn't have anything to do with it (and I was actually willing to plan, even if I gamed double digit hours daily) and I guess it's better for my parents (especially dad) to always have me "on call" and disrespect my flow of time (I pay them rent already as well - that's why I am thinking of moving to the dorm too).

I'll see how that goes, especially with finding a girl I click with temperamentally.

I dont quite understand your last paragraph, maybe you can elaborate it more.

But I agree with a lot of what you've said. I only started to fix my family dynamics after I quit gaming, I would even say I used it to escape this issue. Some of my friends do the same thing, they use gaming as an escape and it became more clear after I stopped. I don't try to convert them, but they do know I'm quitting. I respect my friends and they're a smart group, so I don't want to badger anyone. Many of friends, including myself, are in famlies where there isn't much love or they're from single parents. We all have low-esteem, but we do build each other up and we're improving over the years. Some of us are on career paths, others are just finding new passions and it's really touching to see. 

I'm watching Blow, the movie from 2001, and man I must have some sort of PTSD or something because seeing dysfunctional relationships, even in a movie, make me go into a panic state. I should get that checked with a therapist at my college.

Moving out of your home can be good, but we often forget the bitter comfort of being at home too. My ex moved to the dorm and her life became so much worse and became a smoker and an alcoholic. Just be careful if you do move man. I moved out my second year of college and boy it wasn't easy. I always cook and clean for myself anyway, but again I played games all day so I lacked a social life and that was very depressing. The winters are bitter in the city too, it's dark at 5pm, the wind is immense and it's freezing. 

I would be lying if I said I love myself or even like myself half the time. I don't know what it is, maybe the lack of sleep at times, being exhausted, or just past trauma, but sometimes I use my addiction to nicotine and gaming because I just don't think I can do better. Sometimes I think "this is it" and "just accept it". It's getting better, but I feel a lot of emptiness and self-hate too. 

I think I'm going to adopt some buddhist philosophy because I realized a lot of my desires were making me unhappy. I want more girls, more money, more experiences etc. But again, once the experience is over, the sex is done, I am not mentally better off. Slept really late last night so I'm really in sad boy mindset right now haha. 

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@ConstantlyLost

Could you quote out the exact part? I'm not sure if you mean the last paragraph "paragraph" or last paragraph "sentence" 😄

Yeah, it's good if you have at least someone to lean on, to empathize with what you're going through. In our early 20s, addiction is almost always a result of some pathological pattern in the family (be it neglect, abuse, missing parent or whatever else). On the bright side, you have option to learn not only for yourself, but also for everyone you know and can influence, since you are already aware of it. I guess you have this supreme responsibility especially towards your future kids.

I'm quite used to living outside my family. Out of the last 39 months (since I got off of high school), I lived on various dorms for 24 months and overall I'm very happy about that experience, as it gave me some perspective. I did not bring my notebook when I was working in Iceland for the summer. It goes back to how your parents raised you, if you are gonna completely unravel outside of the family circle and become a drug addict, but you are no longer under such heavy influence of the patterns that have been imposed on you, so there is a chance you might start questioning them and start building better patterns for yourself, once you are reasonably independent.

The self-discovery is rough. The state I am right now currently is that I know everything I do is sort of a grind (whether I perceive it as such depends on how much I enjoy doing those things), but I also know that doing nothing at all would be WAY worse. Whether you feel good (challenge/opportunity) or bad (nuisance) about what you currently do is your choice though.

Related to that, you also want to feel good about doing things that are good and feel bad about things that are bad. And sometimes you just run into a situation where you are clueless about what's good and what's bad, you have to pick something anyway and only time will tell. I'll put a short Peterson video into the spoiler, where he discusses the fundamental (Buddhist) idea that "Life is suffering."

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h194kSmK3SQ

As for myself, going down to the core of the issue, I thought of this: "Life is suffering." -> "Choice: Do NOT suicide." -> "Draw conclusions and act in a way, so that life isn't miserable and horrible not only for you, but also for others, so that nobody ever wants to suicide or spread misery."

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I found out making paper/Excel plans involving other people generally get completely ignored. My ex wouldn't have anything to do with it (and I was actually willing to plan, even if I gamed double digit hours daily) and I guess it's better for my parents (especially dad) to always have me "on call" and disrespect my flow of time (I pay them rent already as well - that's why I am thinking of moving to the dorm too).

Also a decent fan of JP. The part where he talked about acting on your nihilistic and downward thinking will only make things worse really spoke to me at various points in the past two years. I've realized that even when it's hard, to push through it, you will be fulfilled. Studying for my real estate license and doing university at the same time was the hardest studying I've ever had to do, but now I'm a certified broker and still did 80% of my second year. Still proud of that 🙂 

I haven't researched much into addiction, if you can provide me some resources on where to read into that, I'd appreciate it. And yes, self-discovery is brutal. I think Nietzsche said something along the lines that most people never endeavour into self-discovery because they don't want to witness the awful aspects they have within themselves. I should probably read his books, I book most of his works at a book sale on campus, but didn't read most of it yet.

 

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What I was thinking of is that I am not in a very supportive environment when it comes to planning and I don't think I can ever get better in my home environment. I'd like to get better at scheduling, so I can actually push through some more difficult things that I'd love to procrastinate on. Mom's fine in that regard, but my dad is certainly not.

The thing is, I can't reliably watch an hour two long lecture/film without the gnawing in the back of my head that I have to assist, drive or whatever else in moment's notice. I don't think it's a way to treat your employees if you are a boss, let alone your family members. And I'm not happy about that, at all, so I am beginning to show my teeth. I started keeping track of all the infractions where I am "on call" pulled somewhere by him.

It boils down to this; I'm either a kid and I have to obey (more or less unconditionally) or I am an adult and I don't have to obey (as I pay rent). I think his expectations are unreasonable, as he wants both me to basically work at home and pay rent. On the other hand, I know he's very conscientious and wants everything to be perfect. I think his mistake is that he throws every single bit of it into the material world, blinded to the negative effects it has, even in the family circle.

I'll try to consult the uni psychologist about that, as it's not an easy topic to resolve and I don't want to handle it too stupidly.

4 hours ago, ConstantlyLost said:

Also a decent fan of JP. The part where he talked about acting on your nihilistic and downward thinking will only make things worse really spoke to me at various points in the past two years. I've realized that even when it's hard, to push through it, you will be fulfilled. Studying for my real estate license and doing university at the same time was the hardest studying I've ever had to do, but now I'm a certified broker and still did 80% of my second year. Still proud of that 🙂 

I haven't researched much into addiction, if you can provide me some resources on where to read into that, I'd appreciate it. And yes, self-discovery is brutal. I think Nietzsche said something along the lines that most people never endeavour into self-discovery because they don't want to witness the awful aspects they have within themselves. I should probably read his books, I book most of his works at a book sale on campus, but didn't read most of it yet.

Nice work!

I think a lot of Cam's videos provide background on addiction. I think that was my main source within the first few weeks of quitting gaming.

Yup, Nietzsche was certainly right, I think Peterson is saying the same thing as well. How else can you truly tell good from evil? You just need to know both and then discover your capability for both of them, but you truly need to be aware of that, otherwise you are weak and naive. I really enjoy reading Gulag Archipelago and not only for this reason. Imagine being one of the bad guys in history. Imagine being one of the bad guys today. Maybe only then, if you imagine it honestly, you have some resistance in you against these things, if they were to happen. Maybe.

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38 minutes ago, Ikar said:

What I was thinking of is that I am not in a very supportive environment when it comes to planning and I don't think I can ever get better in my home environment. I'd like to get better at scheduling, so I can actually push through some more difficult things that I'd love to procrastinate on. Mom's fine in that regard, but my dad is certainly not.

The thing is, I can't reliably watch an hour two long lecture/film without the gnawing in the back of my head that I have to assist, drive or whatever else in moment's notice. I don't think it's a way to treat your employees if you are a boss, let alone your family members. And I'm not happy about that, at all, so I am beginning to show my teeth. I started keeping track of all the infractions where I am "on call" pulled somewhere by him.

It boils down to this; I'm either a kid and I have to obey (more or less unconditionally) or I am an adult and I don't have to obey (as I pay rent). I think his expectations are unreasonable, as he wants both me to basically work at home and pay rent. On the other hand, I know he's very conscientious and wants everything to be perfect. I think his mistake is that he throws every single bit of it into the material world, blinded to the negative effects it has, even in the family circle.

I'll try to consult the uni psychologist about that, as it's not an easy topic to resolve and I don't want to handle it too stupidly.

Nice work!

I think a lot of Cam's videos provide background on addiction. I think that was my main source within the first few weeks of quitting gaming.

Yup, Nietzsche was certainly right, I think Peterson is saying the same thing as well. How else can you truly tell good from evil? You just need to know both and then discover your capability for both of them, but you truly need to be aware of that, otherwise you are weak and naive. I really enjoy reading Gulag Archipelago and not only for this reason. Imagine being one of the bad guys in history. Imagine being one of the bad guys today. Maybe only then, if you imagine it honestly, you have some resistance in you against these things, if they were to happen. Maybe.

I think it's so difficult to live with your parents. They're used to you being a subordinate and you're tired of being a subordinate, but you both love each other as family outside of that hierarchy. As angry I've been with my mom and dad I can now say I no longer hate them. I can speak with both freely now and that is fine with me. My only advice is remain patient, offer a weekly meeting with them to discuss communication and task issues you guys are having, and try to work on it from there.

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Day 182:

I did a lot of thinking today, but unfortunately it really took me a lot of time to write something reasonable. I did Duolingo and played Scrabble. We had a family visit in the afternoon and in the evening we went to another stand-up comedy with my mom, my brother and his girlfriend. Today it felt like the day was gone in a snap.

I had a simple thought recurring the past week. I realized there is not one thing do I that I couldn't quit. On the other hand, it's more difficult to get something started. Turning on the computer only when something really needs to be done relatively quickly (homework, emails etc.) could help me out in the future - remove some clutter and make the mind sharper. I'll keep this idea in mind.

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23 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think it's so difficult to live with your parents. They're used to you being a subordinate and you're tired of being a subordinate, but you both love each other as family outside of that hierarchy. As angry I've been with my mom and dad I can now say I no longer hate them. I can speak with both freely now and that is fine with me. My only advice is remain patient, offer a weekly meeting with them to discuss communication and task issues you guys are having, and try to work on it from there.

The trouble with that is, the power dynamic in the family is such that it would seem that my dad perceives both my mom and me in a subordinate way, every now and then perhaps showing a glimpse of genuine respect for who we are. It would also seem to me that I have a better relationship with my mom than my mom has with my dad. I know it sounds oedipal, but all I do for that is play Scrabble with her semi-daily and talk to her about how she's doing every couple of days.

I also know she can't be a saint either, because you need two to make or break the relationship. I am trying to make her aware (and perhaps self-aware) of what I think by the talks I mentioned above.

It's depressing. I wish they just had a better relationship. The influence of that would be unprecedented.

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Day 183:

I played Scrabble, watched rugby, raked leafs, did my languages, watched Sapolsky's lecture, sent out a few mails and prepared for my English class tomorrow.

I have to get down to my Excel schoolwork, writing the report and money investment research (I got kind of bogged down in this).

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Day 184:

In the morning, I had an English class and rode on my bike. After I got home, I decided not to sit by the computer and I read instead. I ended up reading about 60 pages today. I made lunch afterwards and watched a discussion with Angela Duckworth. The most important part was the distinction between intentional and unintentional learning, there were 4 differences:

intentional, problem solving, GOAL oriented - 100% focus - immediate feedback - reflection and trying over

I guess it might be in line with the "deep work" concept I have heard and read about a bit before.

I also worked on the uni assignment in the afternoon for about an hour, so that was good too. I also did my languages. I wrote a little bit today, but not into the report.

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Day 185:

I had a very weird phase of hyperactivity from yesterday afternoon until today afternoon. I also had unusually poor sleep for whatever reason. I wanted to even sleep in a little bit more, but I couldn't. So I got up and went on with my breakfast. After that, I meditated just by focusing on my breath for about 10 minutes. I think it was the first time I truly meditated since I got home from Iceland.

I had a short English lesson in the morning and I followed that up with reading the book. After lunch, I sort of relaxed, browsing the web based on my interests. After that, my mom, brother, grandma and me went to the cemetery, visiting our late relatives once per year. In the evening, I played Scrabble, did my languages and prepared for classes tomorrow.

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@Icandothis @awalkingcane Woke up only once during the night today, so it went a lot better!

Day 186:

I read a bit in the morning and went teaching. The lessons went fine and I had a pretty good conversation with my students. I went and visited the grandma and then I had to ride my car to the repair shop. I got home after that and wrote a little bit to my friends. It was a good day!

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Day 188:

I went to bed super early yesterday, as I had a persistent headache, so I've even forewent journaling. I didn't feel the best today either. I might've slacked on eating/drinking properly or it's just something random. All I got done was some basic self-maintenance.

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Day 189:

Today was a good day.

I was invited to some classes by a friend of mine who teaches English for about 20 years. He's using the method of flow to teach English, so I went to help him out a little and participate myself. I enjoy any lessons that are led by him. I'm in the business of teaching English for about a year. It's simply mind-boggling how can a trained professional tap into your energy being and make it so that you are leaving recharged and actually able to do something in the rest of your day, if you are willing to give it a chance and participate voluntarily. I think in some instances, you can even do it on your own, but I don't know much about it yet.

I also watched an interesting one-man show locally, did my languages and watched a lecture by Sapolsky.

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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

Day 189:

Today was a good day.

I was invited to some classes by a friend of mine who teaches English for about 20 years. He's using the method of flow to teach English, so I went to help him out a little and participate myself. I enjoy any lessons that are led by him. I'm in the business of teaching English for about a year. It's simply mind-boggling how can a trained professional tap into your energy being and make it so that you are leaving recharged and actually able to do something in the rest of your day, if you are willing to give it a chance and participate voluntarily. I think in some instances, you can even do it on your own, but I don't know much about it yet.

I also watched an interesting one-man show locally, did my languages and watched a lecture by Sapolsky.

That's awesome. It's really nice participating in a community with someone who can influence you like that. Which language is your native language btw?

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9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

That's awesome. It's really nice participating in a community with someone who can influence you like that. Which language is your native language btw?

It really is, it's also great fun, if people cooperate at least a bit. All he uses for that is several small bouncy balls, a DVD player and movement. The rest is your knowledge of vocabulary and his knowledge to create a safe atmosphere within groups and mixing various exercises to make it work. My native language is Czech.

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Day 190:

I think I found out I am quite expert at dodging the most important stuff. Since Day 183, I think I put three hours total into those three things I want to get out of the way. What I do instead are less important things, like my languages, playing Scrabble or reading. I feel like I want to get the momentum going with these "easier" activities during the day, but I never get to the "tougher" ones.

 

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2 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 190:

I think I found out I am quite expert at dodging the most important stuff. Since Day 183, I think I put three hours total into those three things I want to get out of the way. What I do instead are less important things, like my languages, playing Scrabble or reading. I feel like I want to get the momentum going with these "easier" activities during the day, but I never get to the "tougher" ones.

 

Sometimes we just gotta observe ourselves in these patterns and understand our bodies. Maybe it's just not the time to get these difficult tasks done fully and you can do some subtle things to prepare for when you are ready to get them done. You're doing great though so keep it up and be patient. 

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Day 191:

I read quite a bit today, took a walk outside, wrote with friends and also worked on my uni homework. It was a nice day!

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Day 192:

I got my bike into a bike shop for a checkup, visited my grandma, did my languages, played Scrabble, wrote and got another part of my uni homework done.

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Day 194:

I had some feelings of let-down after being social yesterday. I wanted to socialize more, but I was fairly hungry, so I decided to call it a night then.

I feel like I should spend more time writing and thinking about the planned big report. I can't expect myself to do everything at once.

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4 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 194:

I had some feelings of let-down after being social yesterday. I wanted to socialize more, but I was fairly hungry, so I decided to call it a night then.

I feel like I should spend more time writing and thinking about the planned big report. I can't expect myself to do everything at once.

Don't worry about it. That longing for socialization you feel is important. Don't be let down by the "let down". Sounds silly, but it should fuel you to socialize more and let you know that sometimes it can make you feel better.

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20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Don't worry about it. That longing for socialization you feel is important. Don't be let down by the "let down". Sounds silly, but it should fuel you to socialize more and let you know that sometimes it can make you feel better.

I think you are correct. I need to explore what my uppermost limits for socialization/extroversion are. It does sound obvious, but if I feel like I am alone, I should find some company. Preferably even before I actually start to feel too down about being alone.

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