Mario's Journal,

[WorkInProgress]

@Marchosias i follow this routine kb/recommended_routine - bodyweightfitness (there are more helpfull videos and it seems like a thought through routine). But it actually doesnt matter i guess. Main thing is to do something everyday and go from there. The main idea of Altucher is that there is an idea "muscle" wich you can train if you try every day to come up with atleast 10 ideas to a specific topic. It can be bad or good ideas it doesnt matter. The goal is to get your brain trained to spit out ideas on request. It is something he has done as his life was shitty and what worked out for him. There is no scientific proof what so ever and maybe it wont help a bit. But the idea of having great ideas all the time is very appealing for me, That's why i give it a try.

Day 40

Started reading Mark Mansons book(Models) and i like it very much. In the past i somethimes read through PUA-Forums because i found some ideas of them interesting. I was akward around girls and it fascinated me. But I always felt a little disgusted about some of their methods. Manson takes the theory and makes clear what the flaws are in the "fake it until you make it" philosophy are. And then he tells how you develop yourself to become a men who is attractive to other people. His writing style and opinions resonate very much with me.

OK enough advertisment.

Yesterday I didn't work/study too much. I did not browse excessivly too much, I just couldn't fokus.THis day has to be better if i want to get my shit done. I bought an ebook and quit my working day at 15:00 to visit my wife who is catsitting on her mothers house. I realized that the selfawereness of my feelings is really bad. In my childhood Iwas very emotional kid and had to cry very fast. That let unsurprisingly to bullying. Somewhere on the way i learned to bury my feelings and to be ok. These days is actually hard for me to realize how i feel and why stuff angers me. It is just in this process of gamequitting that I start to become aware of my feelings and it helps the relationship with my wife a lot. Standing up to the things I want and feel is like growing up. You should check out a free and awesome article about this topic(trust me this is gold):http://markmanson.net/power-in-vulnerability

What I learned today:

Beeing vulnerable is really hard, but will reward you with selfthgrowth

Im gratefull for:

- Brokkoli( it is an awesome vegetable, tastes wel land it looks like a bonsaitree. Sometimes i balance one part on my plate and imagine that i am very little and meditate under the brokkolitree)

- Selfimprovement

- good books

 

Edited February 27, 2016 by WorkInProgress

[Marquess]

Brokkoli( it is an awesome vegetable, tastes wel land it looks like a bonsaitree. Sometimes i balance one part on my plate and imagine that i am very little and meditate under the brokkolitree)

Edited February 27, 2016 by Marchosias

[WorkInProgress]

Day 41

Today this a really short post, because I have many things to do and don't want to spent too much time here.

What i learned today:

Manson's Law of Avoidance: The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid doing it.

Im Gratefull for:

- cheap shaver dooing a great job

- beeing proud on daily exercise

- bananas (get your mind otu fo the gutter!)

Edited February 28, 2016 by WorkInProgress
Learned somethign i wanted share

[WorkInProgress]

Day 42

I am gratefull for:

- beeing able to argue with my wife

- work opportunities

- motivation of time pressure

Edited March 1, 2016 by WorkInProgress

[WorkInProgress]

Day 43

Well my exam where i hadn't studied enough anyway is now one day earlier... Great. I am actually ok, I will try my best and my panic is managable. Atleast do I know if I study as hard as possible today and tomorow morning, I did what I still can do and  then it is over. NoFap is kind fo hard for me. I guess i compensated a bit with masturbation. But it is a good feeling to choose what i want to do and beeing able to do it.

I am gratefull for:

- Not escaping in compuiter games right now

- selfcontrol

- 2 days and then i have more prepartion time for next exam.

- beeing able to teach my mind

[WorkInProgress]

Day 45

Today is the day. I feel really stressed right now. I realize how much better it was to prepared for tests. This will atleast give me motivation for the upcoming ones( still 4 to go afterwards). I didn't play games or fap and won't do it. Instead I am gooing for a jog after this journal. It gets more and mroe clear that self awareness is the most important thing for me. I always thought i was reflective allready, but I neglected my emotions and avoided thinking or speaking about them. It is a whole new dimension of myself I rediscover lately, wich is awesome. I often wondered why I didn't  connected with new people aswell as some of my friends. It comes all down to vulnerability. I try to be fun and conversational but I never show that i care. I have to invastigate this further.

Manson article of the day:

-http://markmanson.net/vulnerability

Gratitude:

- self awareness arises

- journaling helps to reduce my stress level

- still getting stuff done even if I am under high pressure

- not beeing sick

- good habbits ( exercise,jogging, meditation)

 

 

 

[Cam Adair]

Awesome that you're enjoying Mark Manson. Great writer.

[WorkInProgress]

Day 46

My exam went ok. It still annoyed em because it was exactly the same pattern as in past exams. Lacking motivation leads to lacking studying and planning leads to a lacking preparation. I get actually a rush of engery and motivation lately. i suspect not fapping for it. I started to evade youtube and movies wich i sued lately to procrastinate. I think the reasin is either energy otu of missing masturbation or boredome or both. Whatever the reason is i will use this energy!

I go maybe to the next engineers-without-borders-meeting. I want to do somethign usefull with my abilites. And maybe it is a good opportunity to socialise and start a projekt I care about. But i don't know if I actually do it. I am kind of scared of not beeing wanted or usefull to them. This is the fear part of my mind. Now the rationalisation( I am better at this part): I have to finish my studies and fokus my energy on beeing well at studying . Only in this way I am content with my career, find a job later and be content about myself.

Just realized how many of my sentences are starting with I . Selfish writing style :(. I argued with my wife today and I need to care more for her and for others. Self improvement is nice and it is ok to fokus on yourself for some time. But one of the main reasons I started all of this, was to have a more fullfilled relationship. Haven't talked to friends or family either the last few days. Now is the time to invest some time and energy in others.

What I learned today:

- selfimprovement is important but don't neglect your relationsships for it.

Gratitude:

- arguing

- having first world problems

- reading

- energy and will to try new things(this is news for me!)

 

[Cam Adair]

All of those are important realizations to have. Keep tweaking and evolving as you learn more. That's how you improve over time.

[WorkInProgress]

@ cam Thank you for the support. It is appreciated.

Day 46

I am getting better each day and it feel free of gaming. I will go to a lan-party at the start of march. Until then I will have finished this 90 day detox. There we will play mostly CS wich i actually don't like so much but it is a yearly traditions with the brothers of my wife and I like the people there. My mind isn't made up about this, but I think will go there and see it as an experiment. My gaming urges dissapeared now that I have some time before the next exam( around 3 weeks). I actually feel like the stress and fear of dissapointing myself and the people around me is the main reason I gamed so much. Paradoxically exact this behaviour led to this dissapointment wich is kind of dumb, but I guess thats how actions led by fear are. Again I feel like self awareness is the key to avoid such vicous circles in your behaviour.

Another thing i realized is why I was never able to keep my appartement clean. It felt like a task wich i could never finish. It will never get so clean how I imagine it and that's why i avoid doing it. But that is actually exact the same bullshit. If I just clean on a regular schedule and try to keep the things in order, my appartment would look allready nice. If i want to take it a step further, after a standard is achieved, I can do it because I have the capacity and therefore the energy to improve the appearence of my appartment further. If I don't want to it is fine too. This is actually important to me because my wife feels really uncomfortable with a messy appartment and thats really a dumb reason to argue. It would even enhance my productivity if everything was in order and clean. Today i will clean atleast for two hours and i start right after journalling.

What I learned today:

- cleaning isn't a big deal. you just have to do it.

Gratitude:

- love how the frozen droplets of water shine in the morning on the grass

- clear mind today

- feel much fresher as two hours before

- reading Call of the Wild another time(everyone who likes dogs and adventures will love this book and it is free on amazon)

Edited March 5, 2016 by WorkInProgress

[WorkInProgress]

Day 47

Gratidude:

- my sister( had a long talk yesterday)

- my wife

- my friends

[WorkInProgress]

Day 48

I think I will journal less from now on. It helped me alot to have a daily writing routine and it remembered me to reflect on myself. But right now I feel like it is taking too much time away from me. I will keep my dail gratitude journal up though and whenever i feel like I have somethign to share or found a awesome ressource I will still write here. I just take the pressure of having to do it from me right now and fokus more on other things. That beeing said I will still read all your journals. So be carefull I AM WATCHING YOU! .

Seriously, it is really nice to read your journals and to learn from my fellow gamequitters. Way better to spend my time here as on youtube (seriously after one hour of youtube I am always on the bad side of youtube and keep watching something like this crazy shit).

What i learned:

- watch to much youtube or click on suspicious links and you will see really really crazy shit. Better do something productive. Like breathing.

Gratidude:

- kids having fun playing with me

- beeing productive

- good mood

-

[WorkInProgress]

Day 48

Wow I am not motivated this morning. Didn't do my workout routine at the weekend and stopped meditation without actively noticing it a week ago. I did the meditation today and I will start my workout( even if I don't want to ) after journaling. It is scary how easy my good "routines" dissapear if I am not in the right mindset. I fear I will need to mtoivate myself into them for ever. Maybe it gets easier at the time but I am not sure if I get to a state where I have the desire to do meditation/workouts. Thats beeing said I am sure that it is worth doing. Allready wasted approx. an hour wich isn't so bad how i realize right now. It was a good decision to write down a journal entry. It is strange how it motivates me to do something worthwhile.

What I learned today

- meditation with open eyes works and you don't fall into a state of sleepiness(bummer i know)

Gratidude:

- for tools wich let my craft my own life

- journalling

- birds having fun at the trees wicha re surounding my little garden.

[WorkInProgress]

Yeah finally did my workout... After i did some sleepign at the couch and broke my noFap streak. Ah and before i "forget" it i watched some youtube too(crossfit and training advice but still broke my mindfull march oath...). NoFap is hard for me. I will block ym favorite pornsites now so I can't put out my brain and go autopilot like this morning. And i think I will go for it one time a week without porn.  Thats beeing said this day is still way better then 1month ago where i would procrastinate all mornng surfing on dumb sites and didn't workout at all. So it is a local lowpoint and I am actually motivated to hit a new personal high.

[Cam Adair]

Action proceeds motivation. Understand this one concept and you'll rarely struggle with "motivation" again.

[WorkInProgress]

Day 50

Gratitude

- 50days!

- Got extra work wich will give me some needed money

 - free classics on amazon

[Cam Adair]

Woot 50 days! 

[WorkInProgress]

Day 51

Gratitude

- Coffee

- Health

- my sisters and my mother

[Cam Adair]

+1 to coffee.

Total coffee snob here.

[WorkInProgress]

Day 52

@cam  most propably you would hate my coffee taste then I found every coffee sort i tried so far ok - good. My wife is more snobby about it but i strongly suspect that my tasting nerves are just a little unsensitive. This is actually a good thing if you live in the city. You can eat and drink crap if you have to and you don't are that disgusted if someone or somethink stinks. I like to think that I am  just the next evolutionary step adpapting to city life

I have to send applications for my Internship wich should start at the start of may for some time now. Yesterday I got my first decline and decided that I have to sent a few more then the lousy two i allready sent out. But sadly I could convince myself that finding interesting internships is more important than actually applying to them. Atleast now I have the internships(9) ready and have just to write my appointements. This is the goal of today: Write atleast 3 appointements.

I often procrastinate by doing other stuff like cleaning or reading(!bragalert!  War and Peace by Tolstoi). My main problem is that as soon as I think about starting negative emotions like fear of failure, stress comes up. I start thinking why they don't need me, how many other students will write appointements and how bad I am at writing appointements. That I don't fully fullfill the qualifications that they want, what happens if i can't find an internship in time(I would have to study even longer because i need to finish this internship before i can start my masterthesis) and how my wife would get angry because I promised here that I am finally finishing my master next spring.

Of course this is all bullshit and based on fear. If I do my best at writing my applications and I don't get an internship,i atleast gave it a fair try and could be proud of myself. On the other hand the conclusion of not writing or writing only a few appointments is, that I feel relieved for the moment but will not get an internship for sure. Just wanted to clear my thoughts with that post and it kind of worked. I will  fokus at least 3 hours on this aspect before I do anything else. I will tell you tomorow how it went(public shaming for the win!) Next part of my action plan is to start at 9 a clock whatever happens or whatever I think at that moment and go for atleast 30min.

Gratitude

- reflection

- quark

- not beeing too sensitive with taste and smell

- wisdom about willpower

Edited March 10, 2016 by WorkInProgress

[Cam Adair]

What is the FIRST step to writing your appointments? Starting with the very first step will build momentum to get the rest done. Ask Travis about how he did that for his resume recently.

[WorkInProgress]

@cam Yeah I did start and momentum is kicking in. It just makes me uncomfortable to advertise myself and i have to be creative because my actual abilitys are a little limited due to my investion into gaming over the last few years. But I have some things to say and luckily it doesn't matter if I put the same work experiences in every appointment . I think i get used to do it. It is just this initial needed force to get rolling where I struggled(yeah past tense!).

Day 53

I did it. three awesome appointements are out. Took me around seven hours but I hope now things gets easier. Today I haven't that much time for it due to work and i should start studying again. But ok one thing after another. My goal is to write one appointement this morning get my work stuff done and study for 1-2 hours. It feels like juggling with  all my expectations and obligations. That is ok though as long as I do make progress and I am definitly doing that. I am very close of the point where I feel like I have my everyday life under control and can start to go for new challenges.

Gratitude

- love

- prefrontal cortex

- having fun beeing smartass

- my sidejob

- comfy pyjamapants

[Cam Adair]

Great job getting three appointments done

[Dannigan]

I've read a few of your journal entries and LOTS of very good points that you discovered about yourself.  I think these self discoveries also help others here too.  For example, the goal is not to be the most talented pianist but to improve our skills every week.  That is very reasonable IMHO.   Also....everyone fails at something in life. It is okay to fail.  Maybe we learn something after?  Easier said than done...especially if we're still getting over the failure.  Procrastination is my big problem.  Maybe if I convince myself to review only 25 percent of my studies then I won't put so much pressure on myself....and then it results that I study more than I thought I could manage?  See....I applied this way of  thinking to putting away my dishes.  I told myself that if I wash only five dishes per day they won't pile up..instead of thinking about washing a mountain of dirty dishes.  One day I tried this and I ended up washing more dishes than I planned to.  Sorry if this example is very simple.   It helped me with some procrastination and I still am not an expert however.  Cheers!

Edited March 11, 2016 by Dannigan

[WorkInProgress]

@Dannigan Nice that you find some stuff helpfull. I am definitly feeling right better now and  one of the main reasons fo this is my journal and people responding too it. This is the first time that i write down my thoughts somewhere. I wouldn't do it only for myself. I would rationalize the thought of journalling away. But the fact that other people read it and find things helpfull keeps me rolling and that really helps me to clarify my thoughts. Thanks for your respond!.Here is article about procrastination for you wich i found very helpfull.

Day 54

Yesterday was an energy low and didnt got anything done. I didn't exerise because my hands are very dry and got some wounds because of it. I highly suspect that is the reason for my missing energy. I will go back to jogging everyday until this is properly healed.

Gratitude

- got to bed very early and feel energized

- my sidejob is gooing well

- this forum

-time to figure out my personal stuff this would be hard if i worked for 40hours/week