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fawn_xoxo

Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

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7 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I wonder if finding a meal plan and fitness coach, whether it's an online program or in person, would be beneficial for you.

No, I don't like working with other people on things, that's why I do it on my own. Total weight lost since I started is 13lbs so far, once I lose 3 more my BMI will be in normal range, but I will go much lower with time.

I have considered getting a second job but it's not worth it, pros and cons.

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On 1/27/2019 at 2:37 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

I think that no games, healthy foods and dropping weight are a more than enough combination of challenges on their own, and that I shouldn't feel guilty I'm not doing art in my free time right now. What do you think, reader? Should I try harder?

I agree with you. You have been making major progresses. Take it slow, enjoy life. You don't need to take further steps until you feel comfortable to.

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Use a carbs-free diet like me. You'll lose a lot of weight. At least 2 KGs in the first week. Diet is very important. And whole body workout is important, too. Last month I tried running around a park for 30 minutes. I did it for 30 days without any change in my regular diet( Carbs included). I even gained 1 kg. But then I realized I was just using my lower-body muscles. So I installed an app called 30-day challenge. It is a full body workout and has multiple levels(Easy, moderate, hard). You should try it, too.

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82 days gaming free. Had some tough moments in the past weeks but managed to overcome them.

I committed to working from outside the house as well as from the house, and I committed to going back to college.

It's been a long day and I'm ready to sleep but I wanted to touch base and let y'all know I haven't given up, I'm still away from games and trying to fix my life.

My social life comes easier to me the more I try and even though I feel the results isolation brought upon me (such as self doubt on whether I should or not talk to people around me or how much) I won't give up.

I think there was this point where the hype wore off, at around 60 days, which I had to recommit to progress, and it was tough mentally but I chose happiness and fulfillment, not comfort and ease and the old habits. My eating habits got messed up during these past weeks so I'm now starting to work my way up to a more disciplined mindset once more.

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3 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

82 days gaming free. Had some tough moments in the past weeks but managed to overcome them.

I committed to working from outside the house as well as from the house, and I committed to going back to college.

It's been a long day and I'm ready to sleep but I wanted to touch base and let y'all know I haven't given up, I'm still away from games and trying to fix my life.

My social life comes easier to me the more I try and even though I feel the results isolation brought upon me (such as self doubt on whether I should or not talk to people around me or how much) I won't give up.

I think there was this point where the hype wore off, at around 60 days, which I had to recommit to progress, and it was tough mentally but I chose happiness and fulfillment, not comfort and ease and the old habits. My eating habits got messed up during these past weeks so I'm now starting to work my way up to a more disciplined mindset once more.

Keep up the good work.  We are proud of you.  It takes a long time to get these things right and finding what feels right in life.  I'm glad you are going back to college.  You are smart and social.  I think you will thrive.

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92 days free. I have to say the recovery is still in progress and the absolute abstaining from the games is necessary.

I am not the same person as I was when I played. I am no longer closed off socially when I go to a location. I wonder, is this how I was before video games? While I played, I looked at people around me only as potential 'hassle', as if them talking to me would be an issue, cause they would disrupt whatever I was doing on my phone at the time. I didn't want anything to do with the world and thus I was barely there myself. But I haven't gone online for a long time now, and I've changed. I am sometimes friendly to the cashiers when they might talk to me, I ask questions sometimes to people in my college, even if I feel a little awkward. Is this my old skin? It's a little uncomfortable getting back under it, but it fits me better I guess.

On another note, I've got a lot of feelings. Games distracted me so much that I thought I had grown more "mature" about them, more logical and less sentimental. That's crap, I just didn't care about the world as much cause of games, that's why I didn't show as many feelings. But my feelings are back now and I'm learning to deal with them. It's all a work in progress, this is the meat and veggies of recovery I guess.

I don't know what to do when I'm home and not working. I don't feel like doing anything, and just killing time seems worthless. I think if I wasn't doing activities alone it would be better. I don't like being alone, and even if I know this doesn't sound very self confident and loving, I just don't enjoy doing things on my own right now. I am still trying to figure things out. There's so much to figure out, I am never going back to video games, I don't want to go through this all over again. 

I feel overwhelmed sometimes. Look at all these years that went by, which other people used to find a path for themselves and I wasted. I know I needed this lesson but at the same time, God damn. I look to the future and I feel I have to plan it properly, once I figure out what to do with my college degree that is, when I finish college that is. I want to fix everything, and it makes me anxious some nights, but I know that through time I'll get the answers about how to plan the distant future. I know that for now I just have to put one foot in front of the other. I have to get up, go to class, or get up and work. And when that's over I got to figure out how to deal with free time without choosing to do something that will hook me like games did.

I don't want to mess up. I don't want to always be the person who has issues, like I've been so far. I want to resolve things, find myself, settle with knowing who I am, find peace with that. I am still trying to understand who I am now, cause I am not the teenager before video games, but I'm not the adult I have been while I played. Some things did change regardless of the games and other things are just coming back to me, finding surface again in my behavior and personality, and it's a weird process, maybe cause I'm looking at myself very closely and observing and analysing. 

Maybe in time I can find a hobby for my free time, something that will keep me going back to it with joy when I don't have duties to fulfill, but I'm still lost on that.

If you're reading this and you're starting your own recovery, your own ninety days, please don't give up on yourself. Continue, stay with this difficult process. Life is for us to live it, and I know I was just breathing, not living it, while I gamed 16hrs a day. So don't give up and keep on trying. Some days are wonderful and some days suck. I recently had this wonderful day in which I had a great mood, followed by a day that I needed to cry about. But it's okay, this is life.

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Day 106.

Nowadays I have to check to find out how many days I've been clean. 106 it is. I don't think I've gone this long ever before. It's good. I want to live a fulfilling life, not just exist. I am never going back.

I look inwards a lot, every day, multiple times a day. Some people say it's good, some people say the opposite. I am confused on why I do it and whether it's offering me anything.

When I started this, I tried my best to replace the free time with specific activities, and I don't regret it, it helped. Gradually my brain shifted and I decided to take up education again. I will not give up on that. After I started going to college and spending more time outdoors, I found myself having better moods, even if doing my duties towards college or work feel good and boring both, depending on the situation and time of the day. I feel a lot, I mentioned this previously, and I find myself concerned about it. Is there something wrong with me? Why do my emotions change through the day so easily? Then I say, well emotions come and go, that's just reactions to the events of your life. 

It's hard, recovery is a work in progress. I think I'm mentally stuck in wanting perfection from myself, maybe? I catch myself feeling unsatisfied with not feeling good about everything in my life all the time. I know it's an impossible standard, isn't it? And then I wonder how did the careless naive happy go lucky teenager me go? Why can't I just enjoy the plenty of things that are great in my life? I wonder, is this a result of gaming for so many years and considering myself problematic? How do I fix it? Will it just go away on its own maybe? Do I need to do something else to correct it?

I read on the oriental way of resolving issues through time recently. So instead of trying to find the answers right here right now, I'll just let the thoughts linger in the fridge of my mind for a while, while I continue with the routines I've created so far.

Weekdays are tiring these days, but I'm satisfied with this, more walking, more social life, more moments. I sleep so well lately, I do nothing on the computer at all for 3 hours before bedtime, except watch a soap opera sometimes when my day doesn't allow me to watch it when it is on TV. 

Maybe I should do the gratefulness thing? I don't know. But I've fought so well so far, I need not despair. I just needed to untangle my thoughts here. I wonder if staying in touch with the forums reminds me of my addict identity and indirectly reminding me I need to fix my life cause I'm a recovering addict. I am not sure if it's affecting me in a bad way, but if I disappear for a while this will be why, to try and see if forgetting about the addiction will benefit me.

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Day 109.

Gaming was a crutch, I'm pretty sure by now. It kept me from dealing with things, and I'm now facing these things, fears and situations I might have not been able to deal with when I was younger. 

I am rediscovering myself, diving into waters that sometimes feel deep. But it's for the best, I know. Some days I'm afraid, others I'm on top of the world. Every day makes me stronger though, cause I'm sticking with the fight and not fleeing any longer.

This is bravery, being afraid yet moving on. Every one of us here is brave for doing this.

My life is slowly changing, drastically, and it's scary. But there's no stopping this.

I'm not going back to gaming.

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Day 113.

Had a few tough days during the week, but the sun is up now. I am feeling positive, and it's not the first day of course, so I thought why not write down some positive things? 

If I hadn't given up on gaming I wouldn't have known so many things about myself. I would not be in reality, I would still be in a limbo, life passing me by. I hadn't addressed some personal issues all these years because I pushed them under the rug as I gamed. I didn't know that I was under stress, but I was, I was afraid of things and games helped me hide in my house away from phobias. This only made the phobias stronger, as the more you don't face your fears the more you're telling yourself they are a real threat. I'm not going into detail about these things, they're personal to me and vulnerable. I'm actively working on this, trying to see things objectively, trying to accept and love myself. 

For the most part I've forgiven? myself? I am not sure if I've forgiven myself, but there's no active guilt and regret in my mind any longer. Compared to other people my age, I'm behind professionally, I see the people in college who are younger than me and I know that when I was their age I couldn't focus on studying. But there are at least positives in being older than others in class, I'm not hesitant like I used to be, I care less about fitting in and I can pay attention to the material rather than chit chat with friends like I used to. I also am looking at college like a resource and I see the professors for what they are, people with years of experience that I can benefit from. I wasn't mature or grounded enough to see them like this when I was younger. I'm also now capable of telling whether something is in my interests or not, some classes do interest me, others not so much.

I am finding a new social self. People appreciating my efforts really motivates me to work more, that's the reason I was doing so well in school before college. The professors were mostly approachable and appreciative of my efforts, whereas in college I got a metaphorical slap on the face by how little most professors cared about us students and how they disrespected us. I wasn't ready for that experience and it surely contributed to my repulsion and avoidance of college. Things have changed now, and I'm also more thick skinned myself, but I've found some good people in the professors. To go back to the social thing, I'm finding it gradually easier to talk to other students- I know these are things natural to people, talking and such, but for me it's like I need to relearn some of it. 

I walk a lot nowadays, I get out of the house a lot and I prefer it this way. Home is bound to awake bad eating habits in me, so being in college and working not at home has helped me greatly with the weight loss. I'm lighter than I've been in the last three to four years, and I'm continuing, I've completed 40% of my weight loss journey so far.

Rediscovering the self and keeping my ears open to my inner voice is an interesting process. It's like trial and error, if it works I'm already one step further than yesterday and if it doesn't I'm just in the same point in my path. I'm trying new approaches, reconsidering everyday choices and just evaluating mostly everything that I don't feel certain is done in a me way. I don't want to rely on my loved ones for solutions, for decisions, etc, I want to stand on my own two feet and I want to stand by my beliefs. What are these? Not all are clear to me, not all my desires are known to me yet, but I'm doing my best to be open to myself and not constrain myself to a gamer identity any longer. Just cause I haven't gone exploring new locations all these years doesn't mean I'd not enjoy it in example. I'm in this process of discovery and recalibration, sometimes it's scary and some other times it's exciting. Suits my near-cyclothymic self fine. I'm also revisiting my strengths and flaws, trying to lessen my prejudices, my oversensitive nature and other weak points.

 

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I really enjoy following your posts! I appreciate you sharing your insight, struggles, and successes! Keep it up, friend.

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I'm glad you're going out and achieving.  I think this is one of the things we had talked about a few months back with potentially going back to school or doing work outside of the house.  Changing your environment is huge, but also recognizing how special you are is equally important.  People enjoy your company and presence and I think seeing that helps you believe you're that special also.  It's one of those external factors of self esteem that influences the internal factors of self esteem.  Maybe I did retain something I read from the book so far.

Self reflection is important to all journeys.  I think you're doing the right thing to reflect on your issues with each step you're making.  

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Day 117.

I used to be a careless, carefree happy go lucky person when I was a teen. I want to be like that again, I want to be me. Happy. Energetic. Upbeat. I'm now an adult and reality, my past mistakes and everything in between has grounded me significantly. As I write this, I realize a big factor is a situation out of my control, changes that are happening in my life that trigger my fears. 

Situations filter through our belief system and out come emotions. I know this. These emotions are a result of me perceiving the situations I'm experiencing as something bad, and I perceive them as such because my belief system is distorted right now. At the same time I know that if I don't fix these beliefs, I will probably affect the situation towards a worse turn. Maybe the solution right now is to accept that I am fearful, and not fight my emotions or try to fix them.

It's okay to fear. It's okay for things to be uncertain around me. I am not supposed to feel a certain way. 

I need to come up with more things in my life, even beyond college and work, so that my time isn't spent ruminating like this. It makes me more stressed and what I need is to self care and develop, not have even more expectations of myself.

All in all, I get in this place of luxury of time in which I waste my time being concerned. There's no point in this, getting in my feelings just.. to be in my feelings? I need more purpose and more things that matter in my life, because just lingering on things that I have no control over doesn't do anything good in my life.

Later on the same day: I think there is no way to bypass negative feelings. The only way to get over them is to experience them, accept everything, go through them. I am stressing over things that aren't universally negative, yet trying to walk away from the fears doesn't work. They need to have their time in the spotlight, to be tended to, then I can continue with my day. I'm pretty sure even if I'm in a better place self confidence wise than I was before this forum, I still have a long way to go, cause my stress is an indicator of thinking I'll not be able to deal if things get negative. The fears themselves are an indicator of my low self esteem, which also shows in my insecure attachment towards my loved ones through the years. 

There are so many things I can do better now that I'm games free, and it needs even more effort than I thought, but I'll do it. I don't want to need people's approval to feel like I'm good enough, I don't want to worry all the time. When I was a kid I thought I was so self confident, but really I was just feeding off the good words from loved ones and teachers. Raising my self esteem isn't an one week quick change and it needs me to change the way I see things and people around me, but only by doing things differently will I be happier.

Just writing things down today helped me process everything and find the root of the issue. It's not a solution, but at least I know that I need to work on X thing now.

Even later on: Saying everything out loud and getting a different perspective on things really helps. Crying it out also seems like a necessity for me when my emotions have already piled up, it takes all the negativity and pushes it out of me, until there's nothing more to cry about. I really have a lot of feelings, God damn. 

Everything is going to be okay.

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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Day 118.

I'm grateful for the quality of my relationships with loved ones. I can count on them, they can recalibrate me and tell me when I'm exaggerating in my worries or such. I'm grateful for the love and understanding I receive from them, the tolerance for my mistakes in the past, how they stuck with me even through those times.

I'm grateful for having the luxury and comfort to both study and work at the same time. I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to continue something from where I left it, even if I don't have any one direction I want to follow when it's over.

I'm grateful for God's impact in my life. Seek and you shall find.

I'm grateful for finding ways to make dieting easier, walking has helped a lot on top of not being at home for the majority of time. I'm grateful for the weight I've reached so far and how it looks on me.

I'm grateful for the nice views in my walk yesterday, the good weather and circumstances too. I'm grateful for a good night's sleep after a long walk.

I'm grateful for having my whole body, all my senses and my health, to experience the world potentially fully.

I'm grateful for my strengths and for my weaknesses, which make me me and have given me both advantages in life and lessons and things to work on.

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On 3/28/2019 at 9:18 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

Everything is going to be okay.

Image result for this is fine

jk

I feel you with being carefree and more happy in the past. Struggles and failures make you less confident and more fearful. But it can go the other way too. Succeeding can make some people become like their old past, or even better. A rare occurrence, but with the right mindset it happens. 

Edited by JustTom
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Day 122.

Gaming helped me mess some things up in my life. In AAs they ask you to go to the people you have hurt with your addiction and admit your mistakes, offer to make amends. I hurt myself during those times but I also hurt other people. Here's where I own up to that and set the goal for myself to be the strong person I should be in order to make those amends to myself and others. When it comes to others, I need humility, patience and altruism. When it comes to me, I need self love and forgiveness.

My strength is coming back, slowly, gradually. It flickers at times, I lose hope for a few, but it returns again after. 

Today I'm grateful for the problems that I've been having to deal with, because they're teaching me ways to deal with the next ones easier and faster. I'm grateful for the people who love me despite my weaknesses. I'm grateful for awareness and mindfulness, and I'm grateful for having chances in life, still.

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Day 124.

I have been doing my work, attending college and everything. Had to deal with some things in my life, which are now settled and good. Have I said I got a lot of feelings? I really have a lot of feelings and a lot of thoughts that cause me feelings, and I get in my head a lot about them. Ever since I started becoming more responsible and adult, I have been plagued by overthinking. I used to just do whatever and not think of the consequences at all, then I shifted to the exact opposite and thought everything over too much. I have wondered if I can ever be happy and carefree again, without being an inconsiderate/naive/careless person. Balance, it's something that I need to aim for, neither overthinking nor not thinking at all.

At this point in my life I feel like I recognize how things work in my head. I might get a thought, then if it's a negative thought, I can't let it go and I feel bad about being this negative person, about having been this person for a while, about having been through and having caused some situations in my life. This only reinforces the negative self image and I think the solution to this is to stop judging myself for my negative thoughts, ignore them when they come to me, and like with everything else, if you don't feed a certain mindset, it will die on its own. I am only a problematic person if I allow myself to give in and believe my negative thoughts. The gaming addiction and its side effects played a big role in this, making me feel bad about myself and beating myself up mentally. But if I continue this, then it is a self fulfilled prophecy as some say. When you think something, or fear something, and your mood and actions get affected by it to the degree that you end up behaving differently, making your fears a reality. 

 If every time I think of something negative, I also judge myself for it, I achieve nothing. Sure, I can't close my eyes to the truth, I can't lie to myself and say that my thoughts aren't negative maybe half the time. But accepting that this is the way it's been so far doesn't equal agreeing that it will continue being this way in the future. I have power in the here and now, I have a choice, I choose whether to accept the identity of a loser, or ignore the negative voice in my head and do actions that match a winner. It's hard to visualize a better life when you have been thinking badly of yourself for a long time, but I also need to do this. So to summarize, I need to accept my negative thoughts when they pop up, accept that they are part of who I've been so far and they come to me naturally, but also remind myself that they don't define my present and future because the choices are up to me and the actions are mine to take. If I catch myself thinking about negative future scenarios, I need to stop that and ask myself what scenario would actually be pleasant for me and get my mind to think about the things I desire. They say you can't reach a goal you can't see, which means I need to know what satisfaction, happiness and fulfillment look like to me, in order to know what to visualize.

Here comes the part where I define what I want, let's see. I want to be healthy and I want to be fit. Small pause here, cause I want to remind myself that I should not try to set goals that represent happiness, I shouldn't connect happiness with achieving a specific goal, because that's not how it works. I need to define happiness first. I know nobody can be happy every moment they are awake and I know that I am a person whose mood can vary a lot throughout the day, which is something I don't know if I have accepted yet or not, probably not. Here is when I wonder if I would still have big ups and downs in my mood if negative thinking was removed from the equation, food for thought. Anyway, happiness for me is.. feeling content with the activities I do during the day, experiencing positive emotions be they small or large scale, being somewhat creative/artsy in a practical way, being near my loved ones.

With that said, my hobbies area is currently mostly empty but then again, do I need to do something under the hobbies category when I have free time to be considered normal? If I have free time, I like to watch some specific shows, but primarily I feel like spending that time with my loved ones whenever possible. I am somewhat lazy but I can also be very focused in my work, depending on whether I get in the zone or not. Sometimes I have free time but I feel like doing some work and sometimes I know I should work but I don't feel like it. It's that 'work in bursts' type of productivity, so I milk that I guess.

To get back to the hobbies thing, I'm thinking of trying out a drop-in style of dance school but I haven't decided it yet. On one hand I don't like spending time alone, on the other hand I don't know enough interesting people or to the degree that is required for me to start doing activities with them. I'm very slowly building up some friendships, have met one new friend that I get along with rather well, but I'm not rushing. My social recovery is going slowly, but I don't feel like doing anything more than that right now. I guess I used to be really into groups of friends when I was younger, but right now I'm more like searching for deep and meaningful connections? I'm eccentric in a lot of things, I question a lot of things in our society and I am honest when I share my views with people. I've also been through quite a few things and people who haven't won't really fit me as friends cause they live in lalaland in a way, and I don't see the world through a pink lens, at all. All in all, I'm quite picky to be honest, and I'm fine with that, even if it really clashes with who I was when I was a teen. I guess back then I did it just to fit in, I know I wanted to fit in, and before that I only had a few friends that I valued, like 2-3 people. Maybe re-finding myself just requires me to look even farther back, to how I was before I tried to fit in. And at that point, I didn't care to be popular or anything like that, I was satisfied with my specific group of friends and that was enough for me.

Didn't think I'd write so much but here it is. If you've been reading the thread, yeah, it's one of those entries. 

Next day: I think I'm addicted / fixated/ obsessed with trying to fix myself. Maybe it's because I've been thinking something is wrong with me for far too long, and I'm in this mindset that I never rest, I'm not satisfied with what I have achieved so far and always looking to what I haven't yet reached. I think I definitely have this thing and it holds me back from enjoying life. Is there any specific way to stop it other than just.. looking at it like a bad habit and quitting it cold turkey? I spend so much energy on the daily thinking of all the things that aren't ideal in my life, all my traits that aren't ideal.

Edited by fawn_xoxo

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Day 125.

Processing my thoughts even more, I think that I'm one of those people who just aren't satisfied with what they have. Some people call it chronic dissatisfaction, others call it hedonistic adaptation, the name doesn't matter, the thing is that I am constantly looking for the negative in my life and never stopping to enjoy all the positives. I have not celebrated my weight loss so far in any way, I have not congratulated myself, I spend my free time thinking about all the things that are wrong with me, and this thinking alone only reinforces that I'm a problematic person. I've always been chasing after highs of adrenaline and the gaming addiction definitely got rooted in me because of this trait, but this is something I seriously need to work on, because in a couple of years I will need to make decisions on what I'll do after college and feeling like nothing is satisfactory enough is so misleading.

Is a gratitude journal the answer? I think it needs work either way. Work, to consciously replace the thoughts about all the things I can find in me that are wrong with thoughts about the things that are right with me. The negative type of thinking has stayed with me for a long enough time that it feels like it's me, but truth is what we think about is a choice, and like everything else we can change it.

Taking some notes here for future reference from resources I found about gratitude:
Savor the moment                  - Reduces stress and negative thoughts
Thank those who matter       -  Feel better about your life
Aspire to meaningful goals   - Eliminate dead-end thinking
Give of yourself                       - Boost self-esteem
Empathize with others           -  Improve your relationships

 

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Day 126.

Tony Robbins' speech notes:

Spoiler

• Progress is the key for happiness. Progress equals growth. Growth equals feeling alive.
• Emotional patterns dominate our lives. All change starts with a change in our beliefs. Good way to change the belief is to do a different experience.
• We need a specific emotional state to behave in a specific way. A positive state gives positive behavior, a fearful state gives fearful behavior and this behavior brings fearful results. It all starts with the emotional state.

How to change emotional states:
Identify where we live emotionally : Specific emotions that fuel our everyday life. We all have specific emotions we consider as home and we switch back to those.

Identify what's the antidote: Courage for fear, in example. Courage doesn't mean you aren't afraid, it just means you do things anyway.
Practice that emotion consciously until you can switch to it on demand. Do I do this with visualization as a first? Think of my ideal situations in my head to experience those emotions? Unsure on this part for now.

    Awareness is one thing, but I need to take action else nothing will change. Do I want to continue living in regret for my past, reliving memories of my failures and fearing I'll only ever be a loser? No. So I have to take different actions. I will do a cold turkey detox of negative thinking. The anxious, negative thoughts have been with me for a long while and I think, just like gaming, they have their own established neural pathways in my brain.
    How do I fix it? Firstly, I need to ignore any negative thought and doubt that comes in my mind with the same intolerance as the gaming ban. No allowing myself to explore negative scenarios, no trying to think of ways to fight potential negative scenarios, not giving food and more time to judgmental thoughts (if they come I will accept them and then move on like I have done with gaming urges). Secondly I will avoid contact with any online material that reminds me of my past mistakes and might trigger those negative feelings. This includes this forum, for clarity. My goal is the same as gaming detox was, 90 days. So tomorrow will be day 1. 

Let's do this.

Might come back later to redefine things if I feel like it.

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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Day 166.

I made the right choice to detach myself from negative triggers and I'm now around two months in after that decision (not accurately documented online). 

The journey of self discovery and acceptance isn't by any means finished, it's still going on, and that's fine. Things I'm slightly better at accepting about myself these days? I've got a lot of feelings, I can get easily affected by a negative thought.. unless I work up the mental strength to deal with it later. This has worked for me, telling myself that I don't need to answer to anxiety in the same moment but rather allow myself a day or two before revisiting the thing in my brain, which is usually much less emotional and much more rational an approach to my thoughts.

I am pretty sure, by the results of it, that the last five or seven years of my life I've been experiencing a loss or confusion of personal identity, which is why I get so anxious in this moment. Gaming blocked out every other aspect of my life and I didn't see other sides of myself for years, to the point I didn't know who I really was beyond it.

I'm keeping this short, as I don't want to linger too much and ruminate, it's a hard habit to drop and so anything that takes me closer to it is bad for me. I do gratitude journaling and got a night routine of relaxation nowadays, in general I have dropped the tension levels in my life significantly for the evening.

Tl;dr: My mood is gradually getting better and more stable. I won't be active here since I get triggered by the struggles of other people into thinking negatively about myself because of "addict" identity.

 

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Day 175.

What's an addict? It pains me to identify as one. I don't want to be, but I was addicted. Gaming scares me, it brings all my past mistakes right in front of my eyes, reminds me of the worst in me, my lack of discipline, my impulsivity, my carelessness, my lack of responsibility. But I don't want to be afraid of it, or myself. I don't want to feel powerless and scared next to it, just like I didn't want to be a slave to negative thinking. I don't want to be trapped in a box where I avoid a bunch of things and people because they remind me that I was a worse me in the past. And just like I've been facing my fears in the past weeks in other, personal matters, yesterday I was nervous and hesitant and excited and afraid to game. Because of all the above, the whole subject has turned into a skeleton in my closet and I don't want to have those. So I decided to face the fear, get in touch with old friends and communities. It was triggering and I was nervous, but I know that's the process, you can't get over your fear of dogs without getting near dogs.

I don't want to game like I used to, there is no space in the new life I built for myself for that sort of habit. And I'm afraid of that, of me, of what I might become if I let gaming take control. But after six months and the self discovery and betterment I've been through, I thought why not try to get better at facing my flaws when it comes to this? I've been in a journey of living life free, and for me that has always been synonymous with taking control of my life and choices.

I feel like I'll be judged, even if only silently, for my decision to lift the ban, the strict rule. It might just be my inner critic, my fear that I will fail me again though. But all these weeks, from December till May, I've been trying to change the way I see myself and empower myself. Mind you, knowing yourself includes knowing your limits and what's good or bad for you. So I'm going to try and change the unhealthy, addiction like relationship I had with games to something like my time watching TV. I don't feel guilty when I turn off the TV after watching for a couple hours. I want to be free of the negative emotions games bring me, and not just by putting them away in a box in the basement.

I want to work with my guilt and make amends to myself, show myself I'm better than I used to be, that I can do it, that I can be in control. 

And if you wonder about the day counter, that's my journey and it doesn't stop. This is part of it.

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At the end of the day everyone in the world has addictions to vices that help them escape their stress situations.  It's ok to acknowledge it, but it also doesn't have to be a label.  You are Fawn (whatever your real name is) and your friends and family will know you for that name.  They won't know you for "addict" or "negative ruminator".

With the re-introduction to your old gaming community and friends: what is calling you back?  Is this a test to see if you can be in that environment and maintain the growth you've had over the past few months? Are you missing something from that former part of your life that you'd like to integrate into your new growth?

My suggestion is just follow your desire and see how it feels.  If you notice it is affecting your life and emotions in a negative way, cut back.  If it continues to do it, remove it until you feel comfortable.  If it continues to be the process of not feeling good about it then I'd remove it entirely.

Also, you mentioned rumination earlier.  I was reading and listening to a few doctors discussing ruminating thoughts because I was being very harsh to myself about self improvement.  What I learned is every person in the world is constantly thinking and their brain doesn't shut off.  This can feel amplified with self improvement periods because instead of thinking about dinner, your favorite sport, your friends, or bad drivers in traffic, you're now pointing your perspective inwards and also receiving all of the emotions in your heart. Self improvement can lead people to face lots of negative emotions because a lot of angles we take are "what we don't like about ourselves" instead of "I want to try this because I think I'll benefit and it looks fun". 

I had to accept that and it took a few weeks of me occupying my brain with other things like not liking my job or something to take my mind off of it.

Good luck.

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@BooksandTrees It's not as much a test, or at least the test is not the purpose. I am afraid of gaming, which is a problem for me. Being afraid isn't what I want to be, and being ashamed and regretful, no, I don't want to be either of these things. When I come in contact with games, those feelings come back and I almost get triggered nervous and fearful of what might happen. I don't want to be like that, I want to feel in control. And the only way to 'erase' those feelings is to replace them with healthy feelings towards that part of myself and my hobby, which is by replacing my old, unhealthy behavior towards the hobby itself. 

Sure it's good to be back, in a way. But for the most part, this is just part of rehabilitation for me, that's how I see it. Like an alcoholic now re-introducing whiskey in their life, but only in normal, acceptable ways. I want to make things right within me, and get over the fact I was addicted.

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