Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

[Samon]

Hey, I think its the right decisiom! And I am sure you can do it. Just try not to focus on work the whole day, spent some time on funny things, get a new hobby etc. You usually play games to get your dopamin, so could turkey to a work beast(at beginning no dopamin) is hard. But see how it goes for you. Just wanted you keep that in mimd.

[fawn_xoxo]

@Samon I don't intend to work all day, just to actually work like every other responsible adult has to which I haven't done for months and been feeling resistant towards ever since I decided to change my life for the better. I intend to have 2 days off and free time every day still, but none of that will be spent on gaming.

[BooksandTrees]

Glad to see you are still doing well.  I haven't really been on much because of work and stuff, but it seems we have all been busy.  It's hard to keep journal entries coming, but as long as we're staying on top of our goals and being responsible then it is ok.  

Don't be afraid to commit to these decisions to change your life.  The hardest part of change is committing to it, but when you have been thinking about making a change it's because you know in your heart something needs to change.  Stay strong with it and trust yourself.  This is your chance to open up with yourself, extend a branch of trust, and move forward.  We all believe in you.  If you need to talk let me know and we can arrange a time!

[fawn_xoxo]

Day 20, Tuesday November 22th 2018
No sugar day 
No gaming day 2

Thoughts
Felt good to actually do work even though doing some new things was scary at first (fear of failure). Once I was done with work I got gradually sicker and sicker, so right now I'm writing these with a full blown cold, stuffed nose and the like, it's so great that I couldn't start on the other hobbies and education cause of bad health! XD

Tracking
Calories: Two chocolate snacks over the right amount
Water: Got it right!
Sugar: BAD but will start my counter again tomorrow. Bounce, don't break!

Work: 3 hours
Education: 0
Reading: 0

Posture and speech: Didn't do much
Sleep quality: Woke up at 8.30 am, got up 9:15 or so and started my day at 10 am. Finding my pillow now at 12:30, not baaaad.

Edited November 23, 2018 by fawn_xoxo

[fawn_xoxo]

Day 21, Friday November 23th 2018
No sugar day 
No gaming day 3

Thoughts
I'm sickkkkkk.XD

Tracking
Calories: Didn't track, but noodle soup, a fruit and some proper food should be cool with the calorie count.
Water: 1500ml

Sugar: Ate a little praline over my fruit.

Work: 0
Education: 0
Reading: 0

Posture and speech: 
Sleep quality: Woke up multiple times but got up at around 11am, went to bed at 12:30 but didn't sleep until a little bit after 01:00. Dreamt about buying chocolates, really subconscious???? xD 

Edited November 24, 2018 by fawn_xoxo

[Samon]

Get well soon mate!

[fawn_xoxo]

Day 22-24, Saturday-Monday November 24-26th 2018
No sugar day 
No gaming day 4-6

Thoughts
Just been recovering, did around 1.5 hr of work on Sunday and a tiny bit today.

Tracking for today, Monday
Calories: More or less correct!
Water: Over 2000 ml, yaaaaas!

Sugar: A dessert and 2 teaspoons of honey in my teas.

Work: A little bit
Education: 0
Reading: 0

Posture and speech: More conscious about the speech nowadays, not trying for the posture much
Sleep quality: Been doing rather well as far as going to bed at the right time goes, though haven't been strict about waking up early during the last days. Tomorrow though.. I need to!

Edited November 26, 2018 by fawn_xoxo

[fawn_xoxo]

Day 25-27, Tuesday-Thursday November 27-29th 2018
No sugar days 1-3
No gaming day 7-9

I've been making considerable progress now that I've started planning my day from the previous one, it is a trick to hold myself accountable to the planner.  ?

I have been thinking about my online friends and how the ones I thought were the best ones haven't spoken to me at all through out this time, all these days, no word from them. And I feel bitter about it. I recognize and accept this feeling, but it sucks to see a bad truth. Sucks that they don't care about me as a person at all. Sucks that they told me how they valued me, that I had honest conversations about real life with them, mostly about their lives too, but now that I'm not in the game they haven't thought of sending me a message to see how I'm doing. For anyone reading this, no I'm not asking for attention via my absence. I just had a couple of people I thought were friends with me as person to person, not gamer to gamer, and I've been let down by them before, but I guess the disappointment is saying I was hoping they'd be better now that we solved some past issues. 

Been waking up early and starting work gradually at a right time. On Wednesday I did 3 hours of work and yesterday, on Tuesday, almost 3 and a half. I am practicing discipline with myself. Yesterday, Thursday, I didn't put any sugar in my tea. I've been waning off sugar gradually cause I've re-watched -The bitter truth- and I don't want to be addicted to sugar or poisoning my body slowly long term.

Overall I'm pretty happy with myself right now and it's obvious to me that removing those 4 hours of gaming  I initially had included was crucial for this lifestyle change. Without doing this, my mind would still be prioritizing those hours over everything else. Later I'm probably writing my routine, to share with you guys what a change I'm speaking of compared to how I survived before (cause it wasn't a life, it was just surviving).

Edited December 1, 2018 by fawn_xoxo

[Samon]

1 hour ago, fawn_xoxo said:

 

I have been thinking about my online friends and how the ones I thought were the best ones haven't spoken to me at all through out this time, all these days, no word from them. And I feel bitter about it. I recognize and accept this feeling, but it sucks to see a bad truth. Sucks that they don't care about me as a person at all. Sucks that they told me how they valued me, that I had honest conversations about real life with them, mostly about their lives too, but now that I'm not in the game they haven't thought of sending me a message to see how I'm doing. For anyone reading this, no I'm not asking for attention via my absence. I just had a couple of people I thought were friends with me as person to person, not gamer to gamer, and I've been let down by them before, but I guess the disappointment is saying I was hoping they'd be better now that we solved some past issues. 

 

Yea, thats the sad truth. I dont had any online gaming friends, because I used to play league, and there no many friends you make. But I can understand you. I have literally the same issue, but with real life friends who gamed with me. Since I dont play league or any other games they play, we have 0 contact anymore. And those are my "best" friends. Just with one I have still contact, who quitted league too. Thats sad, but in truth I knew always I cant rely on them. Just thought maybe they gonna improve with time as a human being. But now I am there in a really bad time of my life without any good friend(excluded family of course), because I wasted my time to hope my old friends could improve theirselfs. But I think its time for me and you to push those regrets away and simply dont think ppl will care about you, when we already know they will not. And if we see we cant trust them, dont wasted time on them.

 

keep going man you are doing good

[Silverlining]

? I guess when we were gaming, we sometimes became part of the priority for our gaming friends, for the fact that we were gaming with them, not for who we were. It would seem that we were really close with those friends, but that was not pure friendship.

It's rare but game friends can become real life friends. I have two. We happen to have a lot in common in real life. Oh and we all quit gaming now. 

[fawn_xoxo]

Day 28, Friday November 30th 2018
No sugar day
No gaming day 10

to-be-filled

[stabi]

On 11/30/2018 at 7:36 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

I have been thinking about my online friends and how the ones I thought were the best ones haven't spoken to me at all through out this time, all these days, no word from them. And I feel bitter about it. I recognize and accept this feeling, but it sucks to see a bad truth. Sucks that they don't care about me as a person at all. Sucks that they told me how they valued me, that I had honest conversations about real life with them, mostly about their lives too, but now that I'm not in the game they haven't thought of sending me a message to see how I'm doing. For anyone reading this, no I'm not asking for attention via my absence. I just had a couple of people I thought were friends with me as person to person, not gamer to gamer, and I've been let down by them before, but I guess the disappointment is saying I was hoping they'd be better now that we solved some past issues. 

Exact same situation here.

I tried something back then when I was in the same situation.

I was in the detox = all the 'friends' never contacted me and if they did it was all about "gaming today?".
After like a month or so I logged in to steam and discord to play with them, after 2 days playing with them I went back to my detox and didnt log in to steam or discord. Well guess what? 
No questions like "How are you?" or "Are you fine?" or something like that.

For me its like, my gaming friends are dead to me, except for 1 guy who is a IRL friend aswell for like 4 years now. I told him that gaming is a pure waste of time and my focus is on other things to improve myself, my life, my future and he agrees with me. He uninstalled steam and all other gaming clients + games. I brought him to learn programming and he has so much fun, I also teach him the stuff I know.

The worst part is, the other IRL friend whom I know for like 13 years now is the worst person. Contacts me when he has "PC issues" or wants to game. He goes out often, but never asks me, I gave up on asking since he never has time for me IRL, just for games in the evening, so fk this guy, even though we did so much IRL stuff in the past (going out to play football, go to the cinema or just chill and drink some beers).

What I want to say: When the people you gamed with never ask you how are you doing, screw them. They arent worth your time. You will waste your time thinking about them and this might make you sad.
There are million other peoples in the world who can be your friend. Don't rely on the people who don't give a fk about you and only care about you when you play games with them.

[BooksandTrees]

On 11/30/2018 at 1:36 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

 

I have been thinking about my online friends and how the ones I thought were the best ones haven't spoken to me at all through out this time, all these days, no word from them. And I feel bitter about it. I recognize and accept this feeling, but it sucks to see a bad truth. Sucks that they don't care about me as a person at all. Sucks that they told me how they valued me, that I had honest conversations about real life with them, mostly about their lives too, but now that I'm not in the game they haven't thought of sending me a message to see how I'm doing. For anyone reading this, no I'm not asking for attention via my absence. I just had a couple of people I thought were friends with me as person to person, not gamer to gamer, and I've been let down by them before, but I guess the disappointment is saying I was hoping they'd be better now that we solved some past issues. 

 

Here's the thing most people will agree with you on.  I mentioned this in my forum thread as well.  These people are not real friends.  They are selfish, depressed, and want you to be with them so they can feel comfortable gaming and ignore the hard facts that gaming is bad for you.  It's like an alcoholic telling you to join them at the bar because it's so great.  Then when you stop drinking they forget about you.  Similar to a drug addict spending time with you during your drug episodes and then forgetting about you when you get clean.  These people are sick and don't care.  We get so caught up with social media and gaming communities where you have X amount of friends.  You feel better because you can turn to any number of these people and just shoot the shit with them and go back to your gaming afterwards.  This isn't how real friendship works.  You have to commit hours to them and they commit to you as well.  If it's one sided then it's not real. 

I learned that once I quit gaming I lost dozens of "friends" who don't check in on me or ask what I'm doing. In fact, they get offended that I quit gaming and think gaming is bad.  They feel insulted and inferior that I quit gaming and resent me for it.  They're pathetic.  Your friends should inspire you and be inspired by you.  Real friendship is when someone loves you as a friend and is there for you.  You both have impacted each other emotionally in a tangible way.  Not some bull shit gaming way where they carried you in a game, etc.  They are there for you when you're struggling AND when you're succeeding.  Never forget this.  I put so much effort into my friends and it's never reciprocated.  Only a handful really give back anything.

Matt

[karabas]

I think you should look at it differently. It might help with getting over the resentment and other ill feelings towards them:

At the end of the day, these guys are also victims. They're victims to the technology that's keeping them sucked into this crap day after day, hour after hour. You were there before, you know what it's like. You've had the realization that this is a waste of your life recently - maybe these guys will have the same realization tomorrow, or in a week/month/year/decade. But right now they're sucked into their virtual worlds, just like you were not too long ago.

You also probably know well enough how gaming can destroy your relationships with the closest people to you in your life - your parents, siblings, significant other, friends, etc. It certainly made me a crappy husband, son, and brother. Did you care about those people when you were gaming? Probably yes. Probably a lot. But you cared about gaming more because it took over your life.

So that's what these gamer friends are doing now - it's not that they don't care, it's more that they're completely sucked into their virtual worlds and forget what's going on on the outside. When you're in the world with them together, they see you and interact with you. Otherwise, they don't interact.

I'm saying this because I did a similar thing to many of my friends. I was involved with a religious leader who was psychologically abusive. I was convinced to move to his community and live there for 2 years, always running around and doing this thing or that thing for him or for the community. I barely slept and had no life except as part of the community. I ended up very abruptly disappearing on many of my friends. I regretted it even while I was doing it, but I was so sucked into this whole thing that I just didn't have a minute to spare on anyone else. When I finally got out, I tried re-establishing contact with a lot of these people. Most of them didn't want to talk anymore. Some of them ignored me completely. I'm pretty sure I hurt a lot of them. But the thing is, I never stopped carrying about them - it's just that I was completely overwhelmed by an external factor.

So my point in saying all of this, is that it's easier to look at your gaming friends with compassion. Understand what they're going through, let go of the hurt, but also distance yourself from them since they're not a good influence in your life. And if at some point some of them have the realization you had, decide to quit gaming, and reach out - be there for them.

Aside from being the "higher road", this is also just easier to deal with long-term than resentment built up towards a whole bunch of people.

[fawn_xoxo]

@karabas Not sure where you got the idea I resent or have ill feelings towards these people, all I said is I was disappointed. You can be understanding and compassionate for your heroin addict friend who doesn't call you anymore to go out after you quit heroin, and at the same time be disappointed with the fact. And no, none of us here is a victim, we are all people who grew to have self-destructive habits. Neither are my friends victims. Technology, much like a knife, is a tool: you can use it for good or bad purpose. We are responsible, we ought to remember this, and in the same sense be empowered by it. Just like we chose to play all day before, we can now choose not to play. It's in our hands.
 

[fawn_xoxo]

Day 29-32, Saturday-Tuesday December 1-4th 2018
No sugar days
No gaming day 11-14

Obviously I am bad at tracking here xD
I now track everything that I had here through apps on my phone, even for brand new habits I made for myself, but I still wanna come here and share how my counters are going, ie sugar not so easy, but not gaming at all still ?

Edited December 10, 2018 by fawn_xoxo

[karabas]

19 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Not sure where you got the idea I resent or have ill feelings towards these people, all I said is I was disappointed. You can be understanding and compassionate for your heroin addict friend who doesn't call you anymore to go out after you quit heroin, and at the same time be disappointed with the fact. And no, none of us here is a victim, we are all people who grew to have self-destructive habits. Neither are my friends victims. Technology, much like a knife, is a tool: you can use it for good or bad purpose. We are responsible, we ought to remember this, and in the same sense be empowered by it. Just like we chose to play all day before, we can now choose not to play. It's in our hands.

Sorry, I saw the word "bitter" in your post, maybe that's why. I also saw other people's feelings on the matter.

This is probably semantics, but I don't think victimhood = lack of responsibility. Obviously we're all here because we're taking responsibility for our actions and are working towards improvement. But at the same time, it's fair to recognize that there are literally trillions of dollars being spent on keeping people like us glued to screens (whether for games, videos, facebook, or whatever other form of entertainment), not out of some nefarious conspiracy theory, but because it makes money. So when the trillions win over human psychology, I think it's fair to recognize that I or some other person is a victim, but for me it almost becomes a battle cry to never succumb to this crap again.

Anyhoo... glad you don't have ill feelings towards your gaming friends. Disappointment... yeah, I hear you.

[fawn_xoxo]

Day 33-37,  Wednesday-Sunday December 5-9th 2018
No sugar days
No gaming day 15-16

I'll start with the obvious: Why is my counter 15-16 instead of 15-19? Because I did get online, spoke with people from the game community and gamed, three non sequential days the past week. The first day it was fine and I felt unaffected by it, I actually couldn't wait to log off cause I was tired. The second day I felt a mix of feelings, old urges pulling at me and reminding me of the dangers lurking for me in this virtual place. (I'm a little metaphorical and artistic, bear with me xD) The third day which was yesterday, Sunday, I felt both good and bad, and the bad side was connected to the fact I could tell, from all the times I've done this before, how easy it is to roll down the slippery slope and make this just another failed attempt. But it won't be. So now to the positive updates.

I had to really push myself to 'just do it' when it comes to picking up my pens to draw. There first and second day were hard: When you are old and conscientious that you suck at something and your ego is crying about it, you have to just persevere and continue with starting from zero anyway. I did pick up my pens, I did draw, following a specific curriculum from a very good instructor. He gives me hope and knowing which direction to work towards is really important. He points out exactly what a newbie like me is after, the final result, the great art piece, but explains how you have to build up to that like a house. First, it has to be messy and dirty. The pretty stage comes last. So I'm trying to make my peace with that truth, and I'm also drawing every day in the morning, trying to establish it as a habit. In reading the book Atomic habits, I'm trying to implement the things it explains and how, to have the results you want, you need to focus on being consistent about the habits that create them. I don't draw just in the morning, usually. I stop drawing before I get frustrated and impatient with myself, and I come back later the same day. This is how it's been so far at least, alas the goal is to draw at least once per day, establish it as a habit. Another thing the book says is that in order not to give up you should try a 4% higher than your current skill level in your attempts to get better, not too big a challenge but not easy either, so that you are neither discouraged nor bored.

I have established and still am working on my fairly early morning rise. I used to wake up at 10 or 12 and linger for hours- now I have an alarm at 8 and because I plan my day from before in my organizer, I have the feeling I'm behind if I don't get up and start doing stuff at 9. Some days that was pushed to 10 but that's okay, not perfect, but progressing. As I've said to other fellow recovering addicts here, we ought to compare only to our own past selves and no one else- and in that I'm doing better than I used to.

What's important for me to say to myself, which is half the reason I write here, is to acknowledge that I haven't achieved the busy lifestyle I require to be balanced yet, thus getting online with my game acquaintances isn't safe. It's very dangerous and might turn one hour I intended to waste into three. Another thing I want to say even if it's been said already the past days is that being here and reading and contributing is majorly important and beneficial to me. Thank you all. I also feel that, together, all of us, are gaining momentum. We are from all over the world, but we are in this together, even if only through text communications. Do you feel this way too?

The battle against sugar is going well considering my past. I track it via a mobile app, and so far I've had at most a two days off sugar streak. Working on it. I think that's all for now. If you're reading this, just remember: you, we all, can do it!

Edited December 10, 2018 by fawn_xoxo

[Silverlining]

 

8 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Another thing I want to say even if it's been said already the past days is that being here and reading and contributing is majorly important and beneficial to me. Thank you all. I also feel that, together, all of us, are gaining momentum. We are from all over the world, but we are in this together, even if only through text communications. Do you feel this way too?

I feel exactly the same way!

[fawn_xoxo]

Day 38-49,  December 10th-21th 2018
No sugar days
No gaming day 17-21

I have been doing drawing every day and only missed one day cause my arm hurt! I am proud of myself. I am still feeling lost on whether drawing is for me, but missing it when I don't do it and wanting to do it more than just the dedicated time I have scheduled for it are good signs, right?

If you've been following this thread, you know I tried gaming again for a few days and at this point, in this period of my life, my focus on work and progressing in drawing has me... disinterested naturally. Yeah, this is happening actually and I like it and I dislike it both but ultimately I know it's for the best. I wanna draw well, I wanna paint pretty things and people, and being consistent towards it is how I'll do it. And being consistent and dutiful with work is how I will achieve a stable income and maybe an increased one, who knows! I put a rough estimate in the no gaming days cause I wasn't keeping track of which days I logged on the game. What I experienced a lot was, I logged in, realized I wasn't getting any useful things there, logged off. Sort of like habitual seeking of distraction, then ignoring that urge and going back to doing something either productive or wasting time in other ways.

All in all I'm doing rather well, my good sleep routines are going well, I get up early and I am in bed usually by 11pm or 11.30pm and feel rested when I wake up! The Atomic Habits book really motivated me to push through and " Just do it " regarding things, putting one foot in front of the other and just trusting in the process that by acting like the person I want to be, I'll end up wanting to do these things. So far it's actually working!

Last week with the approaching holidays and the Christmas foods my calories tracking and water tracking has NOT been going well but eh! I will start the new day with stronger efforts.

I'm thankful for this community, and a little embarrassed for not posting more often even though I have thoughts to share, but I am a bit caught up with that drawing progress and researching that and getting better (hopefully!). You see me more responding to other people's posts when I feel I have something helpful to share XD

[BooksandTrees]

5 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Day 38-49,  December 10th-21th 2018
No sugar days
No gaming day 17-21

I have been doing drawing every day and only missed one day cause my arm hurt! I am proud of myself. I am still feeling lost on whether drawing is for me, but missing it when I don't do it and wanting to do it more than just the dedicated time I have scheduled for it are good signs, right?

If you've been following this thread, you know I tried gaming again for a few days and at this point, in this period of my life, my focus on work and progressing in drawing has me... disinterested naturally. Yeah, this is happening actually and I like it and I dislike it both but ultimately I know it's for the best. I wanna draw well, I wanna paint pretty things and people, and being consistent towards it is how I'll do it. And being consistent and dutiful with work is how I will achieve a stable income and maybe an increased one, who knows! I put a rough estimate in the no gaming days cause I wasn't keeping track of which days I logged on the game. What I experienced a lot was, I logged in, realized I wasn't getting any useful things there, logged off. Sort of like habitual seeking of distraction, then ignoring that urge and going back to doing something either productive or wasting time in other ways.

All in all I'm doing rather well, my good sleep routines are going well, I get up early and I am in bed usually by 11pm or 11.30pm and feel rested when I wake up! The Atomic Habits book really motivated me to push through and " Just do it " regarding things, putting one foot in front of the other and just trusting in the process that by acting like the person I want to be, I'll end up wanting to do these things. So far it's actually working!

Last week with the approaching holidays and the Christmas foods my calories tracking and water tracking has NOT been going well but eh! I will start the new day with stronger efforts.

I'm thankful for this community, and a little embarrassed for not posting more often even though I have thoughts to share, but I am a bit caught up with that drawing progress and researching that and getting better (hopefully!). You see me more responding to other people's posts when I feel I have something helpful to share XD

Every time I go back to gaming (it's been almost 9 weeks now) I just get a more disgusted and disinterested feel for it.  I understand your thoughts on the natural disinterest.  With the drawing and wondering if it's for you or not, keep working on it and give yourself the mental forgiveness where you allow yourself to not love it all the time.  We all loved gaming and there were times where we didn't want to game at all either.  It might not be the career for you and it might not even be the hobby you choose to keep in your life (I gave up painting real fast).  But it's important in your life right now because it shows you that you can commit yourself to something other than gaming and move forward.

The holidays are tough with all the candy going around.  Let yourself have some, but keep exercising and eating right.  If you avoid sweets for the whole holiday season it will depress you more than if you just cave and have some cookies some days, but not all days - if that makes sense.  

Don't be embarrassed for missing time or anything.  You are such a wonderful person and I know I am happy when I have your support and I know others are as well!

Hope your arm is feeling better,

Matt

[karabas]

15 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

I'm thankful for this community, and a little embarrassed for not posting more often even though I have thoughts to share, but I am a bit caught up with that drawing progress and researching that and getting better (hopefully!).

Awesome man, so glad you're doing better.

15 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

The Atomic Habits book really motivated me to push through and " Just do it " regarding things, putting one foot in front of the other and just trusting in the process that by acting like the person I want to be, I'll end up wanting to do these things. So far it's actually working!

That sounds like a useful book. I might check it out. Thanks ?

[karabas]

Oh, but, as a side note: while I also agree with the natural disinterest bit, be careful: it's not enough to protect you from relapsing (I know through experience). Better to stay away from games if you can.

[TheCrystalLake]

I have read a bit in your journal and i think the progress you made since starting here is great! You have goals and you know what you want to achieve. And i think its realllyyy good you do drawing. For me when i stopped gaming i started to write again which i literally stopped 10 years ago (not because of gaming) cause it was at least something i could drown in. And creating something instead of consuming is always good ? I found this link you shared to that nosurf article very interesting. I can relate to many things there, and i have noticed it myself while writing. Many times i cant focus longer than lets say 20 minutes, then i need to check on insta or facebook. Right now as iam writing this i see how horrible this is lol -_-  Maybe im gonna read that book too mentioned there.

What you wrote about your gaming friends i can also relate at least 80%. I have lost contact to many people from my old clans who i had very deep conversations with. To others iam still connected via FB or whatsapp. But many of them could not understand i really have a problem with gaming, so at one point i got tired talking about that. What is  a problem to me is that even talking with those people about other things, rl things, is triggering me to game. Cause its people i got to know through gaming and spent to 19 hrs a day with in my worst times. So somehow you can be lucky you dont have them in your life anymore.... idk how its about triggers or maybe i overread it, so pardon me. Keep up the good spirit ?

Edited December 25, 2018 by TheCrystalLake

[fawn_xoxo]

Day 50-54,  December 22-26th 2018
No sugar days
No gaming day 22-26

I feel so bad. I feel so emotional. I don't feel like gaming at all, I am just not happy right now.

Some stuff happened in RL during the holidays that gave me a lot of stress and I have also been getting annoyed by things that are happening in RL, cause they are small little things that add up, ruining my mood, day after day. Delays, changes of plans which affect me negatively and stuff like that. I haven't left the house for almost a week because of the holidays, everything being either too crowded or closed and this might have to do with it, cause I don't like staying in the four walls of my house too much, I need a dose of the world outside. I work every day now (in my house), I am productive. I draw every day, like I had said I would, but I feel no pleasure in doing it the last few days. I have no reason to draw, I don't have those ideas in my head that artists have, or that desire to express myself, I don't have any of that. And even if I think of reasons, like portraits of characters I like, I know that I won't have a result I like right now, cause I am not good at drawing yet. In order to get good at drawing I have to learn fundamentals and the process is so repetitive, and although that was tolerable at first, after doing for days, even if I've seen progress, I don't like it right now. The progress isn't enough to make me happy, because the awareness of all the things I don't know and are stopping me for creating beautiful pieces makes me overwhelmed and discouraged. I am aware of all the things that need fixing if I try to draw something, and so I feel it isn't worth it.

I also understand that drawing, like all other arts that I've dabbled in, needs time. A good drawing might need 1.5hr to complete. A painting might need 10 hours in total to complete. But right now, under these circumstances, I don't feel like it is good for me to stay and do things that I am really bad at for so many hours. It also is lonely and I've never liked spending a lot of time alone, it doesn't feel rewarding to just be with myself. I don't think this sounds healthy though, so idk.

These emotions have been piling up inside me for days now. I am taking it easy since yesterday, being more loose in my schedule, but idk if it's for the better. I just don't want to pressure myself, I want these emotions out of my system and to be calm and neutral. I know myself. I know that this will pass once I get a chance to get out, change scenery for a few hours, get out of my head. I know that I will get back on the horse and continue learning, but right now I'm just feeling like this and sharing it. I am putting it down on 'paper' just so I can get a clearer view and start planning on how to get out of this rut.

So, key things: 
• I don't like being alone for too long. I don't like staying in my house too many days in a row, I only did this the past years because gaming kept me glued to the computer, addicted. Now that I don't have such a reason, I feel very frustrated with staying in the same place for many hours. I get bored, I eat to cope with boredom and restlessness, then my weight gets affected too. So I might need to get a gym subscription, which will get me out of the house for an hour as often as I feel like, will help a little with the weight loss and offer a solution for doing something away from the computer that isn't walking out in the cold. Or I might try to just go for a walk when I feel like that, then come back with fresh desire to stay indoors where it's warm.
• I like working alone, but I don't like working only for myself to see. I have to find a way for the art journey to become more social, even if online only, so that I get motivation from other people, that's what works for me. I don't like producing art just for me, it isn't satisfactory to me, it isn't enough.