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BooksandTrees

Dear Diary...

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Today I'm 39 weeks free from video games. This is also the 1 year anniversary from the day I started this thread in the first place. It's been a tough journey and I know I'm on my way to being 1 year free from gaming and then more. I'll always keep counting. This means so much to me. My mental clarity and emotional strength has amplified greatly over this time. I still have work to do, but we all do. It's just being patient, honest, and loving to yourself.

It has been a rough week for me emotionally, but I had some great conversations with my parents and friend today and feel much better. Today was very tough for some issues out of my control. Three people decided to really hurt my feelings and it derailed my whole day. I really appreciate the deep conversations I had with each and tonight I feel happy again. I'm very thankful for them. I overthink a lot and it's just so harmful to myself. I don't think it's worth pleasing everyone anymore because it's impossible. There will be people who misunderstand me and are just jerks and I can't control that. These people who caused me trouble are some former friends in real life who kind came out of nowhere to cause trouble and I was surprised by it. 

But now I am just relaxing and am seeing a good friend tomorrow. I'm going to have fun and then do some hobbies after to make myself feel better.

I want to keep putting myself in situations to make myself happy. I want to have the courage to work on hobbies and also socialize outside of work. I don't think it's smart to be strong friends with coworkers. But I think this courage and determination to do things will work. It just starts with love and patience.

I also made a quick excel macro to help work on hobbies. I have a list of 25 hobbies I want to do, which is making me not want to do any since there are so many. Some days I want to do my cartoon, but other days I don't want to do it. The list of 25 hobbies matches the number that shows up and I do it for an hour. So here it is:

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Edited by BooksandTrees
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I feel like I'm running on empty and I'm struggling to deal with adversity. Nobody really understands me and it sucks. They don't get depression. People get offended when I'm not happy or cheerful. I got made fun of by my coworkers because I'm not as talkative. I just moved twice, communicated with my father for the first time in 10 years,  got out of and am trying to emotionally deal with the situation I went through with my mom,  quit my career, went back, had my dreams crushed, and whatever else I wrote in the past regarding my stomach condition, depression, and bouts of suicidal thoughts. 

I just feel like a convenience for others. I don't think people care about me. I don't get asked how I'm doing. People just want me to solve their problems and then get angry at me or ignore me when I have depression issues and I'm stuck in my head with no way out. 

I'm tired of having my days and nights clouded with sadness, anger, sadness, sorrow, anger, sadness, and loneliness. It's like my head is swollen and needs an ice pack. 

That scene from fight club with Tyler and marla open up and explain people only wait to listen so they can have their turn to speak.

I want to find someone who understands me but they are always a let down or a psychopath. I can't meet a caring woman without an agenda apparently. It makes me feel like I'm an accessory to their life and not a partner in our world we share. 

I should be grateful about talking to my mom and dad yesterday. I am. But I'm still sad. 

Sometimes I just feel like I can't handle the nights like this where I'm drowning in sorrow. I know I can pick myself up and work on a hobby or something, but for some reason I just want to cry for hours, sleep, and hide under my blankets in the darkness as time dances around me. 

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Today was a big moment for me. I handled my coworker issue extremely well and I think I resolved it for the most part. I think I'll have to deal with repercussions of their actions at some point, but I just stayed true to myself and my community and kept going. I love myself too much to ever take abuse from someone or some people. I don't like having my feelings hurt for no reason. If I have done something wrong I will understand it and apologize and empathize, but when something is clearly done out of immaturity and illogical drivers then I will not stand for it.

I'm proud of myself. I also went rock climbing with my friends and did the best I've ever done. I climbed almost 15 routes and am exhausted. Tomorrow my forearms are going to feel like I gave a herd of elephants hand jobs. Tomorrow I have volleyball, board games on Wednesday, and a trail walk on Friday. On the other days I'll be writing and trying to do hobbies.

Sometimes I feel like I book too many events, but I'm going to stay strong since I feel better being active. I think my mind will adjust.

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My doctor thinks I should go on some form of medication for anxiety induced depression. It is kind of debilitating and I feel like I'm wasting my life being so ill. I'm making lots of changes, but little things keep popping up that bother me and I fixate on them. My baseline happiness seems to drop so far away from normal and I'm just empty. 

I want better friends. I put so much stock into my work friends because they seem to care, but they do not. Once they leave work I'm no longer a thought. But when I'm at work they get all angry if I don't talk to them as much. I put so much care into others and receive little back. I make sure to understand all of them, listen to them, care about them, empathize with them, and more. They just talk about themselves and it's rare I find ones who initiate conversation asking how I'm doing and my issues. I always have to be the one asking about their issues and caring about them. If I don't say anything they get angry I don't ask about them. 

I think people are selfish. It's kind of like this website. Sometimes people get angry you don't talk to them on their threads and stuff. I try to just help people who actually need it and it's impossible to help everyone. But I'm not actively helping myself. 

I get home and I wish I could write my book or something but I'm so tired. My weekends come and something stupid will distract me. 

Another issue I have is I want to go to the beach, but I don't want to go alone. So I think of who to ask, but they all want to start inviting more people. Then it turns into 5 people and then the other 10 people get angry you ddin't invite them. But none of them were really interested in spending time with me anyways. So I have to deal with the burden of anxiety deciding who to invite because I get anxious going alone and then deal with the repercussions of doing something in the first place.

I feel like I need a girlfriend so I can plan beach days and other shit with her. But with my luck I'm going to keep meeting these chicks who have the mentality of "I'm gone have dat boy whipped and wrapped 'round my finga". Hollow and fake. Immature and insecure. Tired of meeting these people! It's left me hopeless.

 

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

... So I think of who to ask, but they all want to start inviting more people...

Find one or two that don't. The others probably like the group, not you.

2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I feel like I need a girlfriend so I can plan beach days and other shit with her. But with my luck I'm going to keep meeting these chicks who have the mentality of "I'm gone have dat boy whipped and wrapped 'round my finga". Hollow and fake. Immature and insecure. Tired of meeting these people! It's left me hopeless. 

It's not about luck. If you let people emotionally manipulate you, people who emotionally manipulate will sense that in you and use that. Like friends who get angry for not being invited, like colleagues that are upset if you don't listen to their chatter. Thus manipulating you to invite or listen. If they are cross, it's teir problem, not yours.

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7 hours ago, TTT said:

Find one or two that don't. The others probably like the group, not you.

It's not about luck. If you let people emotionally manipulate you, people who emotionally manipulate will sense that in you and use that. Like friends who get angry for not being invited, like colleagues that are upset if you don't listen to their chatter. Thus manipulating you to invite or listen. If they are cross, it's teir problem, not yours.

I have great trouble with that. Someone will say something that hurts my feelings regarding something so unimportant and it just cripples me. I want to learn how to get stronger, less involved and less bothered by other people and their problems because I know they don't care about my issues as much as I'm caring about theirs. 

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Not really sure how to help with that. A thought though: somebody who wants to be helped will take weeks, months or years to deal with an issue (character flaw or misunderstanding of the world that brought them a problem). You have a finite number of years in your life. If you spend all your life tyring to help strangers (or pretend-friends) by listening as a friend and trying to help, investing all of your available energy and time, you will probably be able to help only a few people with a few things. Change is difficult for people who want to change and it is impossible for people who don't want to change. By listening to everyone's proplems, you are wasting your energy and time on countless things, on pleople who are not important to you, on people who probably don't even want to change. Instead, you could find a few important people in your life and spending your time and energy on them. Then your sustained efforts might actually achieve something over the long run.

Even then, you need boundaries. A person's problem is their own also in a sense that if they solve it, they have something to be pround about. They achieve success and build their character. If you solve someone's problem, you deprive them of the opportunity to solve it themselves, of the opportunity to feel pround and grow.

In short, with too much empathy, you waste time and effort which could be better used in a different way, and also you hurt a person's growth. Common sense required of course. If somebody has a cut, help find a plaster/doctor rather than ignore them and let them grow :)

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17 hours ago, TTT said:

Not really sure how to help with that. A thought though: somebody who wants to be helped will take weeks, months or years to deal with an issue (character flaw or misunderstanding of the world that brought them a problem). You have a finite number of years in your life. If you spend all your life tyring to help strangers (or pretend-friends) by listening as a friend and trying to help, investing all of your available energy and time, you will probably be able to help only a few people with a few things. Change is difficult for people who want to change and it is impossible for people who don't want to change. By listening to everyone's proplems, you are wasting your energy and time on countless things, on pleople who are not important to you, on people who probably don't even want to change. Instead, you could find a few important people in your life and spending your time and energy on them. Then your sustained efforts might actually achieve something over the long run.

Even then, you need boundaries. A person's problem is their own also in a sense that if they solve it, they have something to be pround about. They achieve success and build their character. If you solve someone's problem, you deprive them of the opportunity to solve it themselves, of the opportunity to feel pround and grow.

In short, with too much empathy, you waste time and effort which could be better used in a different way, and also you hurt a person's growth. Common sense required of course. If somebody has a cut, help find a plaster/doctor rather than ignore them and let them grow 🙂

I think I give so much care and empathy to my friends in hopes that they will give me some empathy. It is not received at all and I am left alone. And on top of that, if I don't continue to pour empathy on people they get offended and think I'm mad at them or something, which causes drama. 

I also don't really spend much time on myself because I am so tired. I get roped into social events etc and I'm not really doing the things I want to do with people I'd like to have in my life. Honestly, I think it's going to take so much time. I'm getting out of a very volatile situation, which was also a way out of a prior volatile situation. Being alone right now stinks because I am lonely, but I finally have some peace of mind at home without the involvement of a crazy roommate or an abusive one.

It's probably not wise of me to say "Oh, I'm out of that bad situation now. I will now be happy forever." Most likely it's going to take some time and I have to remain patient. I do need a stress relief. I was thinking of a boxing gym near my new apartment and I've really enjoyed rock climbing. 

I appreciate the feedback and I'm going to keep working on this. My goals are to find myself and find some people who actually talk to me first sometimes.

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Sports as a stress relief sounds great. Boxing is great for the off-chance if would get useful and for confidence but I personally hate the idea of accumulating brain damage due to all the punches in the head.

Have you considered any kind of acting? I do improv and it's a great opportunity to act absolutely ridiculous, funny, shout every now and then, and expend energy. Could be stressful though, but I like to think that this type of stress ends up building character.

"they get offended and think I'm mad at them or something, which causes drama" - A possible answer: "Sorry dude, but I can't listen right now, I'm crazy about rock climbing. I'm in a selfish period, ok, I need my time for me." They start drama, you ignore it as you're full on focused on climbing (headphones, podcasts, etc), whatever they are pissed off about (being unable to leech your attention) is their problem. Not easy to do, but maybe possible.

Seems like things are getting a bit better though, keep it up :)

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My Plan to Overcome Depression

Something I can't let go of is my anger. I have a deep pool of hatred slithering inside me from years of neglect, self hate, hate from others, bullying as a kid, previous girlfriends torturing me through emotional and sexual manipulation, misunderstandings of myself by others who are unintelligent, traffic incidents with road rage, previous roommates, trolls online specifically in the gaming world, my disappointment with myself regarding not dating anyone for almost 10 years and not connecting with others, and my failure to find hobbies that I enjoy.

What happens is I spend a few days socializing with friends and going to work. During this phase I will be the life of the party and act happy. I'll think everything is fine, but not really make progress with things. This phase could last anywhere from 3 days to a month. However, during this time I'm actively not progressing myself in areas such as exercising, working on hobbies, or trying to better myself with growth in dating endeavors. I'm just "existing comfortably". I'm also not really resolving issues that have angered me in the past or issues I might perceive being an issue in the future.

Then something happens to anger me and I become irate. I get so angry I feel the blood vessels pumping in my eyes and shocks of lightning coursing through my arms and legs provoking me into smashing something, sprinting, or yelling. I hold all of this anger in and pools of hatred form. I grow so angry at the people who fucked me over in the past or just people I flat out don't like at the moment. I fixate on it and stew over it for days. I become enraged and just so frustrated, like Broly from Dragonball Z.

Broly Transform Into Legendary Super Saiyan (1080p HD)

The resulting anger leads me to not wanting to show people I'm this angry. I detest it and don't want to look like a maniac like my father used to look like when he'd yell or slam things. I want to maintain my composure. So I suppress my anger and keep it inside. By doing this and not expressing myself I have actually trained my mind and body to be depressed. I'm not saying this is the only reason I'm depressed, but I know anger leads to a great deal of my depression because I'm holding it in. Evidence of this is clearly shown by my need for release. My form of release is through ejaculating to porn, eating food, yelling, singing in the car, driving extremely fast with very loud music, listening to loud music, complaining, comedy, laughing at stupid things, and hating others. The song below is basically what I want to listen to at all times.

Song In My Head

I think something important I could do is listen to my urges and understand myself better. When I get angry I get the urge to sprint fast and just run. I also want to smash things and yell. I crave an adrenaline rush to release my internal hatred and emotional toxins to make space for happiness and motivation. People suggest jogging and working out at the gym, but that's not an adrenaline rush. I used to love video games because of the fucking rush I'd get dominating people and then screaming at them as I pulverized them into submission on the game. It made me feel so excellent. I'd crush someone in a first person shooter or beat them in hockey. I'd be the hero in Overwatch by carrying a team or carry my NHL team as the goalie and feel the rush of stopping everything the other team tried.

image.jpeg.9719f9c9a614dfb0d2434d6ba8cd996b.jpeg

There's a boxing gym near me and several open fields. 

I think boxing and sprinting might be great for me and I want to try it. I don't want to do this to fight people. Obviously people do boxing at strip mall gyms all around the country. Kickboxing and boxing are the most popular group exercise classes out there.

I think boxing will do a few things for me: 

  1. Change my environment
  2. Have a place to go
  3. Exercise
  4. Release anger and deal with my emotions
  5. Develop discipline again
  6. Build confidence in myself
  7. Socialize
  8. Treat myself better

The most important reason is to lift the veil of depression of my mind and heart. Depression is the body's defense system acting to suppress rage. Getting rid of the rage will lift this veil. Not being depressed will increase my energy from day to day and possibly lead me to being motivated to work on a hobby, spend time with friends, date, and focus more at work since I'll have gotten rid of stress. It might also help me quit porn addiction.

 

Related image

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2 minutes ago, TTT said:

Sports as a stress relief sounds great. Boxing is great for the off-chance if would get useful and for confidence but I personally hate the idea of accumulating brain damage due to all the punches in the head.

Have you considered any kind of acting? I do improv and it's a great opportunity to act absolutely ridiculous, funny, shout every now and then, and expend energy. Could be stressful though, but I like to think that this type of stress ends up building character.

"they get offended and think I'm mad at them or something, which causes drama" - A possible answer: "Sorry dude, but I can't listen right now, I'm crazy about rock climbing. I'm in a selfish period, ok, I need my time for me." They start drama, you ignore it as you're full on focused on climbing (headphones, podcasts, etc), whatever they are pissed off about (being unable to leech your attention) is their problem. Not easy to do, but maybe possible.

Seems like things are getting a bit better though, keep it up 🙂

LOL!! I literally just wrote how I wanted to try boxing. I wouldn't spar, but I'd still do the training. I appreciate your support and insight. I agree with what you're saying. I need to express myself.

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I'm 40 weeks free of video games today! It's always exciting to hit a new week and a new milestone. Today I went for a long hike with my friend, took a nap, ate some great food, and had a funny encounter with a waitress which made me realize I am in fact ready to date. I've been getting a lot more confident in my looks and receiving lots of conversation from women in public who are flirting with me. It's making me understand that I am good looking and have a lot to offer and take as well.

I'm going to take it slow, but do it correct. I'm going to put effort into my dating photos for my profile, but I'm also going to keep participating at real life events I like and if I find someone there then that is even better. I have a wonderful apartment to host people now and no roommates to create any awkward situations with. I'd really like to find some romance, friendship, companionship, and explore that side of myself. I don't let people in and that can be detrimental to me in the long run. 

My stomach condition got better this week. I was less stressed out. I'm angry that the coworkers who hurt my feelings are talking to me as if nothing happened. But I am also doing the same because I just don't care. These people are not my friends. They are just looking for attention and do their own thing outside of work and I mean nothing to them. If I meant something they would have told me. I think meditation and mindfulness will help me overcome these stressors in the future. For now it is important to maintain a healthy diet no matter how stressful my life gets. I noticed if I don't eat 3-5 meals per day that are healthy that I feel miserable. I also want to take some fiber vitamin chewables, vitamin D, and probiotics for gut health. My IBS and SIBO conditions need to be treated carefully or else I get severe stomach pain and I can't have that happen anymore. Plus my mental health is better when my stomach health is better. It's a win-win for me to just eat healthy, limit junk to like 1-3 individual moments per week such as pancakes for breakfast on a Sunday or maybe a cookie at lunch one day per week. Donuts on Friday cannot happen anymore, cannolis on Monday after grocery shopping can happen but only if I don't eat pancakes on Sunday. My body sits there and yells at me. I also can't eat garlic and onions anymore unless they're discretely in the food. It's unfortunate, but I just need to help myself by continuing to make good decisions for myself on a regular basis.

I'm going to spend some time tomorrow on hobbies. Not all day, but just "some time". I'd like to read for a bit, write for a bit, and take a class online that I've been procrastinating on because it's overwhelming and I get anxious. I think it's healthy and fine to look back at this weekend and be satisfied with hiking, seeing a friend, talking to 2 friends, relaxing, and then doing hobbies. That's what I want.

I called the boxing gym, but did not get a call back yet. I'll call tomorrow and visit on Monday if I hear nothing.

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I was reading an article today about how a kid won $3 million at the fortnight world champions. I misspelled that on my phone on purpose so it wouldn't be a saved word. 

It makes me reminisce about my time as a professional gamer and makes me wish I could compete for that level of money. It's difficult, but I just don't want to go back to games. The toxicity, the regret, the time wasting, brain fog, no social life, lower health, etc.

It's strange not being the best in the world at something anymore. It hurts in a way. But when I play games I can't stop. I don't want to stop. I just play for hours until I'm spent. It's not healthy doing that for 16+ hours. 

I feel so much better over these past 40 weeks than I did when I gamed all of those years. 

That's kind of what keeps me going. The less stress is so important to my mental and physical health. 

In other news I did what I said today. I watched my shows, read my book, talked to my mom and grandmother, and took a tutorial for Adobe illustrator. I also did laundry and cleaned the apartment. I even spent an hour in the sun on my rooftop deck and felt wonderful because of it. 

I'm happy with that. 

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Today I am 41 weeks free from gaming. I had a good week overall and am in like for a promotion in the next year if things go well at work. This is very exciting for me. I've also been rock climbing every week for the past month and it's finally sticking on me. I'm socializing with other climbers and will hopefully make some friends there. I also found a boxing gym to join and signed up. I'm very excited for this. The owner seemed super nice and the people are good from what I see. I'm also taking my online classes on Udemy that Fawn helped me find last winter. I was procrastinating on taking them, but now I'm actually taking them and doing the online tutorials. I'm learning a lot about Adobe Illustrator right now and will eventually move on to Photoshop next. I'm also reading my book more and allowing myself to watch TV sometimes during the week to relax. Gaming wasn't a real place to relax, but TV can be since I'm not binging it. I just watch a documentary or show after dinner and unwind before bed. Gaming used to get me amped before bed.

I find that I'm watching less porn in general. I'm also withdrawing from excessive conversation at work now that I used to be involved with previously. This is better for stress as well.

I have two big doctor appointments next week that should answer a few things I've been worried about, but I doubt there is anything wrong. I think it is stress induced and we all know how ridiculous my past year has been, so it makes sense.

Mind Hunters is a great show as well as Handmaid's Tale for anyone interested.

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I calmly confronted one of the coworkers who had hurt my feelings. It was not my intent to hurt their feelings. I just wanted them to know that I was hurt by their actions. They understood my story. They also told me that it makes them uncomfortable when I talk about depression because they don't want to deal with it or feel helpless and it adds stress to their life. I didn't think I had that effect on people. I apologized and I hope we can remain friends because they are a good person. We will see. I need to stop overthinking the situation anyways.

I'm going to request a psychiatrist. I need medication for my mental health. I'm struggling beyond belief. I've been made aware by multiple people that I speak slower with an immense weight to all of my words. Everything is a burden to me and I feel like I'm a burden to others. I have little hope in life and don't want to do anything when I'm not at work. It takes all of my energy to be happy at work and then when I get home I'm painfully tired. It's not just tiredness, it's that I've given everything in my heart and mind to act normal and functional at work. I get home and I'm just so down on myself. It's not an anger thing either. I just have nothing. I'm empty. I don't look forward to anything. I have such a disappointing outlook on my friends and family. I feel like none of them really love or like me. Like I'm just a hindrance to them and they say "Oh great, he's gonna complain again..."

People say they will listen to your problems, but they really just want praise for their announcement. I've reached out to multiple friends who have said this and they just give up or don't even respond. I just need something more than talking. If anyone says I'm fine, good looking, smart, and have done great things I just don't care. I'm so fixated on how much of a trashcan I am. It just doesn't set in.

I'm so frustrated by all of it. I just don't think I'm capable of happiness and I start to fester with sadness and hate. I don't want to be another sad person who turns into a hateful, lonely mime and die alone. I just wish I could love others and I wish I could love myself. I wish I could feel anything besides sadness and anger.

My issue is whenever I open up to people they just don't fucking get it. God damn. Like, clearly I've done some great things with my story that I don't need to repeat, but thinking about it doesn't make me happy. I've trained myself not to celebrate my accomplishments because I don't want to be some fucking idiot that can't stop bragging about themselves. I think it's so frustrating. Like the person who keeps telling everyone how good they were at high school football when they are like 45 years old and don't do shit.

I don't know anymore. I lied about feeling fine on Saturday to see what would happen and nothing happened.

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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've trained myself not to celebrate my accomplishments because I don't want to be some fucking idiot that can't stop bragging about themselves

I know you see this line as a bad thing but what if you flipped it to yourself instead of other people? People can be docks no doubt about it but its more than okay to celebrate the small victories in your life no matter how big or small they may be. All I can say for now is I'm sorry that life is hitting you hard right now. But there is a lot to live for and it's perfectly fine to take your self out to dinner when you finished a goal or did something celebratory. Also your right about bragging it can be obnoxious at times but don't let that stop you from celebrating your self. 

I believe in you if thats something. Take care of yourself man. You got this!

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17 minutes ago, Tzen1 said:

I know you see this line as a bad thing but what if you flipped it to yourself instead of other people? People can be docks no doubt about it but its more than okay to celebrate the small victories in your life no matter how big or small they may be. All I can say for now is I'm sorry that life is hitting you hard right now. But there is a lot to live for and it's perfectly fine to take your self out to dinner when you finished a goal or did something celebratory. Also your right about bragging it can be obnoxious at times but don't let that stop you from celebrating your self. 

I believe in you if thats something. Take care of yourself man. You got this!

Thank you! I appreciate the kind words. I find myself going in circles very often with my mental health and think enough is enough. Making change will be important and I gotta stay strong, but aware. 

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I agree with making a change. In retrospect before I quit gaming, I can say I had a ton of issues that I am currently trying to become aware of and slowly untangle. I talk to and listen to people more. The fun fact about people is that we never really know ourselves in the present.

Anyhow, go for it. As if your life was at stake which it is!

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4 hours ago, Ikar said:

I agree with making a change. In retrospect before I quit gaming, I can say I had a ton of issues that I am currently trying to become aware of and slowly untangle. I talk to and listen to people more. The fun fact about people is that we never really know ourselves in the present.

Anyhow, go for it. As if your life was at stake which it is!

Thank you. I've had some friends tell me how their lives have improved from medication and I just know I'm not improving right now. I'm no longer addicted to games, but I'm so destroyed mentally and have no outlet. I'm gonna try boxing, but I don't even have the heart to go there. 

Edited by BooksandTrees

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Today is 42 weeks game free for me. I got over the workplace drama that I'd been going through and thankfully feel a lot better about it. I then went and played tennis with my two friends. I want to ask this girl out on a date. I think we're very compatible and I get along with her family as well. We'll see what happens with it. I spent today working with my friend on the cartoon we've been creating. We spent 8 hours writing and drawing and it felt great. I really enjoyed it. I then spent a few hours complaining with my friend about this stupid bachelor party we've been planning. It's next weekend and has been a complete disaster, but I'm not letting that affect the weekend I've had so far. I'm very happy with the progress I've made with socializing and hobbies along with my progress moving on with the work stuff. I also had a good time rock climbing as well.

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I'm 43 weeks free of gaming and I feel like it has really opened my eyes about people, life, lifestyles, and purpose.

One of the issues I'd like to highlight this week is that I've constantly been complaining about fake people. I think I have multiple "friends" who put zero effort into any friendships. These people are the introverted, meek, shut ins who do not socialize with others, don't talk to others about their problems, and don't talk to you about yours. Zero effort and pathetic altogether. I have so many friends who are addicted to video games who just work 8 hours a day, play video games 8-10 hours a day, and sleep the remainder. They make no effort to socialize, mate, or improve their lives or fix their problems. They just escape into this cesspool called the internet where they can hide from everything instead of face their problems.

I'm fucking tired of being involved with people who have no social skills whatsoever. Just garbage.

I'm going to highlight an example of this. I accepted being the best man at my acquaintance's wedding this November. I want to highlight that I used the word "acquaintance" and not "friend". I have known this person for 9 years now. We have had 10 phone conversations this year, 0  in 2018, 0 in 2017, 3 in 2016, less than 5 from 2013-2015. We only hang out at giant barbecues and holiday parties myself or friends have thrown and hosted. He doesn't communicate or put any effort into his other friends either. Nobody talks to him. He makes no effort to reach out and doesn't tell you anything in his life. 

The consequences of this is that he hasn't received any acceptance RSVPs for the wedding. Only 3 people accepted. His own cousin, who he wanted in his groom party, asked me if I was a real person because the groom "has no friends and he didn't believe we were real". Who says that? Who does that? 

This weekend was a disaster because my other friend and I were stuck planning his bachelor party. We planned an amazing 4 day spread. We camp on Thursday night, morning hike to see the sunrise on a beautiful and easily hike-able mountain, brewery tour on a tour bus for 4 breweries including dinner at a top notch restaurant, sky diving, camping, nice restaurant, a harbor cruise at sunset, dinner at a 5 star restaurant in the city overlooking the skyline, and ending with a nice toast to a future.

The weekend was ruined.

He and his sister canceled the hike, the harbor cruise, the camping, the eating at restaurants, and the skydiving was canceled due to inclement weather.

All we did was a fantastic brewery tour that my friend organized, a shitty indoor skydiving trip, and lunch at the wrong restaurant. And the funny thing was that the other people in the wedding party kept asking "What are we doing next?".

HAAHAHAAHA.........!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are doing nothing because they were fucking canceled!

I don't want to be the best man anymore. I did it out of pity because he has no friends. On top of that, his wife to be is A FUCKING FAT CUNT. Complete piece of shit. She forced him to move almost 1,000 miles away from home. He settled with her and she's just a trash heap. Controlling personality, a bully to him to get what she wants, and has cheated on him. He has given up and won't try dating anyone because he can't communicate.

I'm tired of being associated with meek losers who hide behind the computer and can't communicate. These people who don't care about making friends or living life. Just what their guild, character, gaming community, favorite streamer, or subreddit is up to. Nothing else.

Stop fucking hiding and live your fucking life no matter how hard or easy it is.

I've had to deal with this revelation that most of the people I met from college are these personality types. My goal over the next couple years is finding the handful of real friends who listen to you, share their life with you, and value you. Social media and the internet have turned friendship into a numbers game and not a valued service. People care about followers, likes, friends list sizes, and influence. This has resulted into people becoming selfish and unaware of how to communicate with others. Friendship has diminished and I'm tired of being around it. 

I now have to wrestle with the decision of canceling my role as best man for someone I've talked to less than 30 times in the past 5 years.

Should be a no brainer, but is it? His life is miserable and he's lost. A real friend would help him through it. That's the struggle.

I also don't want to hear about someone being offended that I criticized them for being a reddit and gaming lark. 

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