Dear Diary...

[ElectroNugget]

Shit dude, I've read through the past few pages of your diary, it sounds rough, and like you have a lot to deal with on your family side, your mother in particular. What you've described is also classic depression and I know it well. I've been there, so I'm not going to offer you any platitudes. I'll just say this: shit fucking sucks. I know how it feels man.  I hope, in time, you will feel better. 

[BooksandTrees]

1 hour ago, ElectroNugget said:

*** dude, I've read through the past few pages of your diary, it sounds rough, and like you have a lot to deal with on your family side, your mother in particular. What you've described is also classic depression and I know it well. I've been there, so I'm not going to offer you any platitudes. I'll just say this: *** fucking sucks. I know how it feels man.  I hope, in time, you will feel better. 

Thank you. Just a very stressful period for me which is why I've been so cut and dry with things. My patience is being tested by a lot of stuff. I appreciate the kind words.

[BooksandTrees]

Holy shit what a ride this has been.

I got approved for my apartment and move in on Monday. I got a moving company to do it for a cheap price after every company tried to charge me almost $1,500 to move a bedroom. This one is only $500. I'm going to have everything set up by then. I got a 2 bed, 2 bathroom loft apartment in a luxury building. It's brand new and nobody has ever lived there. I also know the engineers who built the building lol.

I'll be going furniture shopping and everything next week. I really want this place to feel like home to me. Every place I've ever lived I usually skimp out on any designs or furniture and it just looks like I live in an empty area because I don't care about it. I used to only care of my xbox or computer were set up. I see this in many people in my life who are game addicts also and just don't have anything other than gaming equipment.

I'm going to buy a nice couch and a chair to read in for the living room. I also am making the 2nd bedroom a workshop for myself. I want to paint, draw, animate, build legos, and record videos/podcasts in there. I include the lego part because I just think building with legos was such a great stress reliever for me as a kid. At that bachelor party I built some stuff out of legos and loved it. I really think doing that after work some days will be great for me.

We'll see what happens. This kind of gives me hope that I'll get through my depression.

[BooksandTrees]

I got my keys to the apartment. It's beautiful. It's the nicest place I've ever lived. It's huge, new, and just a positive place for me. I'm gonna slowly move stuff in this weekend and then the rest Monday. 

I'm gonna buy some furniture this week and just make the lace comfortable and inspiring. 

The next thing for me is fixing my routines. My eating and sleeping is in the trash recently. I also want to focus on my self esteem because I really want a girlfriend and think this year is important for that. No manipulative person or attention seeker. Just someone who fits the proper mold for me, connects well, is intelligent and kind. And thousands of other things I'll be vigilant for lol. I don't care about how picky I am. I'm a valuable person and I know my worth. I'm not settling and won't be taken advantage of. 

 

[BooksandTrees]

I'm 35 weeks free of gaming today. What a great feeling. I'm very proud of myself for my progress and ability to heal. I never crave games anymore. It's been over 30 weeks since my last desire to play a game. 

I really hope I can do this with porn. I'm having such a difficult time quitting. The fact is I don't really want to quit porn. I love seeing different women and think it's amazing. The issue is I also hate what it's doing to me. I know it's fake, shallow, and bad for relationships. I just have a lot of fun watching. But I also know it's hurting my dating life and desire to date. Right now I'd rather just watch porn and have friends who are women. After the bad relationships I've been a part of and seen in my life it makes sense that I'd be avoiding them. I really don't want to deal with another person's emotional insecurities and issues. I don't feel like committing myself to someone who I know is going to hurt me. Why would I take the chance of that happening? 

I know I'm trying to protect myself. I know most women aren't as crazy and dangerous as the ones I've been dating. I just have so much drama in my life already that I don't really want additional drama. I think things will change when I move into my own place, but I think I currently view dating as a major burden and I'd really rather just sit there like an asshole and watch porn. 

With gaming I really wanted to quit. It made me very sick as I've mentioned. There's just so many things I want to change in my life and I just don't really view porn as something as dangerous as what video games were doing to me. My self esteem, diet, sleep schedule, etc. All need to be fixed first. I think porn usage plays into those issues though. This is why I'm struggling. I know porn is adding to issues I'm trying to repair, but deep down I really do enjoy porn and sexual fantasies. I enjoy them more than I enjoyed gaming. I think if i can find more passion in my life I will have a better chance of quitting porn. I just don't think I'm ready to date yet and nothing else really makes me happy except for telling jokes. Buy I don't always want to tell jokes. 

On the apartment front I really like my new apartment. My mom was kind enough to go shopping with me today and bought me a couch that I love. I was going to pay but she pushed me out of the way. I didn't like it because I didn't want the idea that I could be bought for happiness to be out there, but I do appreciate the gesture and know that's not her motive for buying it for me. I think we both are sad about me leaving. It's very tough right now. 

Edited June 23, 2019 by BooksandTrees

[Guest]

My advice to you. Be vulnerable. 

[Ikar]

2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

After the bad relationships I've been a part of and seen in my life it makes sense that I'd be avoiding them. I really don't want to deal with another person's emotional insecurities and issues. I don't feel like committing myself to someone who I know is going to hurt me. Why would I take the chance of that happening? 

I realized it's kinda interesting how this works, but it seems to me that every single relationship you have (including one with yourself) is affected and affecting the other ones. For example, I don't think one can conjure up a great romantic relationship if his family is in disarray, working on truces rather than co-operation and his friends are few and the connections bland. That's really a lot of weight the romantic relationship would have to pull to be more than the horrid combination of the above, because one just doesn't have the means.

[BooksandTrees]

6 hours ago, Ikar said:

I realized it's kinda interesting how this works, but it seems to me that every single relationship you have (including one with yourself) is affected and affecting the other ones. For example, I don't think one can conjure up a great romantic relationship if his family is in disarray, working on truces rather than co-operation and his friends are few and the connections bland. That's really a lot of weight the romantic relationship would have to pull to be more than the horrid combination of the above, because one just doesn't have the means.

I agree with you. I think my spirits are just kind of crippled right now. I'm very disappointed in how this experience living at home turned out and I'm just drowning with sadness and anger. I really hope things get better. I'm embarrassed going back to my old job, but thankful for them letting me. I'm frustrated I need to move to a new apartment again. I really dislike moving. I have never felt "at home" anywhere in my life and never bought any furniture or things for myself because it seems like a waste. I'm just so disappointed in a lot of things and it's hard seeing the positives.

Like I'll have a stable income, be in a good company with good coworkers again, have benefits, have a place to go each day so I can't just lay in bed depressed, I'll have my own beautiful apartment which is getting me excited. I really like the apartment I'm going to and can't wait to move in. I'm just bogged down by the hassle of it. My friends are trying to get me to travel with them but I'm exhausted and just don't want to travel. It's pissing me off. I don't want to go to work and then travel right away. I kind of just want to settle in.

Porn is leaving me weak and it's just so hard convincing myself how much pain porn is causing me. I had to battle with that with video games and finally convinced myself it was bad last fall. I've been adamant about giving up games ever since and am 35 weeks free. I know I can quit porn. I just need to convince that other half of me that it's important to quit. Unless I get that mutual agreement I think I'll just be battling.

[goodvibes]

15 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm 35 weeks free of gaming today. What a great feeling. I'm very proud of myself for my progress and ability to heal. I never crave games anymore. It's been over 30 weeks since my last desire to play a game. 

I really hope I can do this with porn. I'm having such a difficult time quitting. The fact is I don't really want to quit porn. I love seeing different women and think it's amazing. The issue is I also hate what it's doing to me. I know it's fake, shallow, and bad for relationships. I just have a lot of fun watching. But I also know it's hurting my dating life and desire to date. Right now I'd rather just watch porn and have friends who are women. After the bad relationships I've been a part of and seen in my life it makes sense that I'd be avoiding them. I really don't want to deal with another person's emotional insecurities and issues. I don't feel like committing myself to someone who I know is going to hurt me. Why would I take the chance of that happening? 

I know I'm trying to protect myself. I know most women aren't as crazy and dangerous as the ones I've been dating. I just have so much drama in my life already that I don't really want additional drama. I think things will change when I move into my own place, but I think I currently view dating as a major burden and I'd really rather just sit there like an asshole and watch porn. 

With gaming I really wanted to quit. It made me very sick as I've mentioned. There's just so many things I want to change in my life and I just don't really view porn as something as dangerous as what video games were doing to me. My self esteem, diet, sleep schedule, etc. All need to be fixed first. I think porn usage plays into those issues though. This is why I'm struggling. I know porn is adding to issues I'm trying to repair, but deep down I really do enjoy porn and sexual fantasies. I enjoy them more than I enjoyed gaming. I think if i can find more passion in my life I will have a better chance of quitting porn. I just don't think I'm ready to date yet and nothing else really makes me happy except for telling jokes. Buy I don't always want to tell jokes. 

On the apartment front I really like my new apartment. My mom was kind enough to go shopping with me today and bought me a couch that I love. I was going to pay but she pushed me out of the way. I didn't like it because I didn't want the idea that I could be bought for happiness to be out there, but I do appreciate the gesture and know that's not her motive for buying it for me. I think we both are sad about me leaving. It's very tough right now. 

Congrats on 35 weeks of sobriety from video games Matt!!  Glad you like the new apartment be sure & take time to fill that fridge with some healthy foods - produce, beans, & grains ftw!! I got to spend about 45 minutes cycling today around 95 degree F over 50% humidity =)  Felt great it had been a few days since I got that much cardio in. 

My thoughts on relationships is if you feel your life is full of extra baggage you are likely to attract the same type of people - it is totally okay to take time for yourself and do relationships later, I just have this feeling that if you take that time to work on yourself even more you will find that even your simplest social encounters will improve because of that.

Seeing your struggles with letting go of pornography I thought I would share a little bit of my fire behind maintaining sobriety across the board - TLDR So I can use that time to truly live my life, to be able to spend my time improving areas I need improved, to be able to go accomplish what I want to accomplish, all without that nagging sensation .. that craving .. that addiction .. to know I hanged my hat at the end of the day knowing I did the best I could do .. then there is that lingering air of mystery & excitement where I can't help but wonder what all the future will hold.  

I also use this truly free-time to put in the work with my 12 step recovery program where I am working to heal the wounds of my past, to take inventory, to understand & change course where I still find myself burdened with decades old shame, guilt, abandonment, isolation, traumatic stress, fears, low self-esteem, denial, confusion, victimization. Addictions demanding control of ones time makes it too difficult to stay the course, makes it is too easy to numb ourselves and let whatever problems exist just continue to be, and makes living your life from strength to give it your all impossible. 

Here in my 12 step program text I will quote an excerpt about the Doctor's Opinion on Stages of Recovery, maybe you will see something relevant that is a help to you :

Quote

"Most people recovering from addictions and other disorders can recover more successfully by first stabilizing these for a time, since otherwise these problems are usually distractions from being able to focus on recovery issues and work.  We call this stabilization period Stage One recovery work, which may take from several months to years to complete.  Many others may have no particular addictions or disorders and come to a recovery perspective because they are hurting or even "bottoming out" from emotional pain and having a desire to change. 

These can usually enter directly into recovery to take inventory and trauma effects recovery work, which we call Stage Two, and which usually takes a number of years to complete. Stage Two works include: 1) realizing our True Self, 2) grieving our ungrieved hurts, losses, and traumas, 3) finding and fulfilling our healthy needs, and 4) working through our core recovery issues.

The final one, Stage Three recovery, is about refining our relationship with self, others, and God from a spiritual perspective. It usually becomes easier to realize a loving relationship with our Higher Power once we have done most of our Stage Two recovery work. This is because the false self or ego cannot experientially relate to or know God, and the only part of us that can do this is our True Self, which we come to know in our Stage Two work. While the false self may at best try to intellectualize a relationship with God, our True Self does it from its heart, with fewer words needed."

 

[BooksandTrees]

5 minutes ago, goodvibes said:

Congrats on 35 weeks of sobriety from video games Matt!!  Glad you like the new apartment be sure & take time to fill that fridge with some healthy foods - produce, beans, & grains ftw!! I got to spend about 45 minutes cycling today around 95 degree F over 50% humidity ? Felt great it had been a few days since I got that much cardio in. 

My thoughts on relationships is if you feel your life is full of extra baggage you are likely to attract the same type of people - it is totally okay to take time for yourself and do relationships later, I just have this feeling that if you take that time to work on yourself even more you will find that even your simplest social encounters will improve because of that.

Seeing your struggles with letting go of pornography I thought I would share a little bit of my fire behind maintaining sobriety across the board - TLDR So I can use that time to truly live my life, to be able to spend my time improving areas I need improved, to be able to go accomplish what I want to accomplish, all without that nagging sensation .. that craving .. that addiction .. to know I hanged my hat at the end of the day knowing I did the best I could do .. then there is that lingering air of mystery & excitement where I can't help but wonder what all the future will hold.  

I also use this truly free-time to put in the work with my 12 step recovery program where I am working to heal the wounds of my past, to take inventory, to understand & change course where I still find myself burdened with decades old shame, guilt, abandonment, isolation, traumatic stress, fears, low self-esteem, denial, confusion, victimization. Addictions demanding control of ones time makes it too difficult to stay the course, makes it is too easy to numb ourselves and let whatever problems exist just continue to be, and makes living your life from strength to give it your all impossible. 

Here in my 12 step program text I will quote an excerpt about the Doctor's Opinion on Stages of Recovery, maybe you will see something relevant that is a help to you :

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate them. I'll look more into the recovery program when I move in. Tomorrow is the big move. I really hope this works out. I like your point about the craving being exhausting. It's annoying. I just want to go to bed and every time I go to bed I have to watch for over an hour. It's just such a distraction. 

[goodvibes]

Big day then plenty of sleep & best of luck!  I will have to share some of the strategies with you soon that helped keep my mind out of the gutter when I began removing the porn.

[BooksandTrees]

I'm back!

I moved into my new apartment. It's absolutely beautiful. I was so stressed out during the move and the days leading up to it but now I am here and mostly unpacked. There are a few things to buy around the apartment which I'll do tomorrow after making a list tonight.

The move was emotionally difficult because of how much stress I was going through at home. I wanted to leave home, but I didn't want to leave my mom. It's so difficult because of the emotional swings of anger and happiness. I couldn't get a stable emotional state lasting longer than 4 days of happiness. My unhappiness went on for weeks. It was a clear sign for me that I needed to go and live my life a little more.

I missed my independence and my life. I feel it slowly coming back here now that I'm cooking for myself and on my schedule. I'm still very timid about going out and living life. I really sunk into a hole at home. That's due to a collection of issues I've discussed in the past, but hopefully it's all over for now and I can move on.

Now that I have my stuff set up I'll hopefully be able to buy the last few things I need and start living a little. I found that I haven't been taking care of myself at all. I've been doing less than the bare minimum in life. I ate only 1-2 meals per day, watched a ton of porn, slept as much as possible, didn't do anything, didn't talk to anyone, etc. It's been very painful.

Today is the second day I've had 3 meals in a day. I've been drinking a lot more water. I feel like my energy is starting to come back. I'm going to spend tonight and all of tomorrow outside so hopefully I stop fearing that. It's amazing how the influx of pornography and video streaming has been as effective as video games at deterring my daily habits and life.

I start my job again on Monday. I am embarrassed about it, but I think it will provide financial stability for me as well as a purpose. I'm providing for myself. That's the only purpose I need right now. I got so paranoid as an engineer because I was looking for my purpose in life. This experience over the past few months has made me realize that my purpose in life is to survive and live well. I'm not here to serve some greater good and entertain others with comedy or cure cancer or be a deity. My purpose is to live my best life, treat myself well, and enjoy the fruits of my labor. Not save all of my money, never go out, don't see people, and don't live. That's not right at all.

This experience I'm going to embark on will be slow and controlled. I'll allow myself to relax, but not allow myself to play games or watch porn. I want to balance my free time with outdoor activity as well as indoor hobby activity. I want to get excited to work on my hobbies, not obligated. 

Matt

[goodvibes]

@BooksandTrees 
Good going happy to hear - good to get settled in!

Yeah the video streaming is huge for me as there becomes so much available content I want to review & digest, taming my time online and on the computer are some of the biggest immediate challenges I am beginning to tackle. It is easy to become enmeshed with the endless digital sea of content but that is totally wrong. 

I wanted to delete the Chrome browser the other day for all the bookmarks I have that help me "stay productive" online but that's really the problem for me because it keeps me "staying" at my computer, like a brain addicted zombie. I am taking this moment right now to write down my top websites (such as forum.gamequitters.com !!) so I maintain some semblance of priority for my business online. I will delete all of my bookmarks and limit Chrome's number of browser tabs to one with Xtab extension. 

While I could use a browser without tabbed interface I still use Chrome extensions to block Adult websites to help maintain sobriety with my pornography addiction. For now I will be happy to delete the bookmarks and remove the bookmark bar completely. While I have no important business throughout the week I can unplug the Wifi, I am totally going for it!

Edited June 26, 2019 by goodvibes
@BooksandTrees

[BooksandTrees]

4 hours ago, goodvibes said:

@BooksandTrees 
Good going happy to hear - good to get settled in!

Yeah the video streaming is huge for me as there becomes so much available content I want to review & digest, taming my time online and on the computer are some of the biggest immediate challenges I am beginning to tackle. It is easy to become enmeshed with the endless digital sea of content but that is totally wrong. 

I wanted to delete the Chrome browser the other day for all the bookmarks I have that help me "stay productive" online but that's really the problem for me because it keeps me "staying" at my computer, like a brain addicted zombie. I am taking this moment right now to write down my top websites (such as forum.gamequitters.com !!) so I maintain some semblance of priority for my business online. I will delete all of my bookmarks and limit Chrome's number of browser tabs to one with Xtab extension. 

While I could use a browser without tabbed interface I still use Chrome extensions to block Adult websites to help maintain sobriety with my pornography addiction. For now I will be happy to delete the bookmarks and remove the bookmark bar completely. While I have no important business throughout the week I can unplug the Wifi, I am totally going for it!

Thanks! Yeah, it's pretty tough to get through and I think timing it is important for me. It's tough because literally everything we do as former gamers is related to brain fog, procrastination, wasting life, and feeling guilty etc. And it's all addicting. Gaming, porn, social media, YouTube, Reddit, etc. Some people have no issues with it. I just know that unfortunately I do better in life when I'm being social, getting out of my house, and enjoying life. It sucks because I want to stay inside all day and I know that's what makes me depressed. 

[BooksandTrees]

I had dinner at an event with all my coworkers and they were so excited to see me and I was excited to see them. It made me feel comfortable going back to work again. I felt like myself again talking to them. I think this is going to provide some level of emotional and social status comfort that I didn't realize how much I needed. Now I'm trying to do my best setting things up in my house.

I want to go shopping for some stuff in my house to make it feel like mine. I also want to finish unpacking. I'm very close, just been so busy doing other things as well as battling depression. I started today off strong by not snoozing or going back to bed and had breakfast. I have been trying to restart my life a bit by making sure I sleep properly, eat 3 meals a day, and talk to people.

I also know sunshine will do me wonders. I forget how good I feel when I spend time outdoors. I just get nervous exploring new places alone so I never do my trail walks or walk around new towns.

[BooksandTrees]

I'm 36 weeks free from gaming today. That's 9 months. I'm so proud of myself. I've never been this far and I want to keep going. I love myself for this commitment to myself and that makes my heart happy. 

I unpacked more stuff. I hung out with a woman today and she made plans with me to see me again next week only 1 hour after leaving. Very cute! Scary for me but also exciting. We'll see what happens. I have to trust myself and I think love and connection helps solve issues with my porn addiction. I watch porn for love and loneliness issues over everything else. 

I get the rest of my furniture this week and am very excited for it. I loved that couch and just want to recline in it and feel awesome for a bit. 

Tomorrow I'm just relaxing and then Monday I start work again. 

 

[BooksandTrees]

Well, this is it. I return to work tomorrow. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm disappointed beyond words over how my time away from work went and my interactions with my mom. I'm sad I left my bird behind. I didn't want to move out. But I felt like I was being pushed out so badly that it hurt me in many ways. I'm not sure how long it will take for me to recover from this completely. I understand that having my job will be good because benefits, money, stability during the day, getting out of my apartment, and seeing my coworkers and socializing. I appreciate that a lot and that's why I'm going back. But I feel embarrassed returning. I don't want to be seen really. It's odd because everyone there is welcoming me back with smiles and being so kind. I've talked to half the office already and they're happy I'm back.

I think this time around I'll be less invested in people emotionally. I understand now that younger people want attention right away but don't want to give attention right away. I am also sitting away from the person who was my proximity crush and distracting me from working clearly. So this is actually something I'm looking forward to. I want to make sure I'm actually doing my work the way I want this time around. I know that only 2 people from the office talked to me after quitting through texts. Although everyone liked me, as soon as I left only 2 texted me. So I know where my thoughts should lie and it's with me first, company second, coworkers third.

I've also been disappointed in how I've spent my time. Depression has rendered me a shut in. I barely leave my house and I'm afraid to go out of the house. I think work is important for me to leave. Once I'm out I'll be more eager to shop, trail walk, work out, etc. This is important for me. I'm tired of staying home and feel bad about it. I'm also going to restructure how I spend my time at home. I have dedicated 1 solid hour to hobbies. I am so productive in real life and I've neglected it due to emotional exhaustion, depression, and anger. I have the job, I have the friends, I have the apartment, I have my life back. It's time to keep going and push myself. I'm doing a good job. I've got this.

[BooksandTrees]

I absolutely hate my life. I think somebody moved into the unit below me and they keep their air conditioning unit so low that the hvac system is constantly pumping air into their rooms through the vents. The system vibrates and is shaking my floor slightly, which is shaking my bed and making me motion sick. I can't sleep and I'm nauseous for hours. 

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! I GET ABUSED BY MY FUCKING ROOMMATES AND MOVE HOME ONLY TO BE TREATED LIKE SHIT BY MY FUCKING RETARD MOTHER AND NOW I SPEND ALL THIS MONEY GETTING AN APARTMENT AND NOW THIS IS HAPPENING. I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THIS ANYMORE. I FUCKING HATE HOW SOMETHING IS ALWAYS MAKING ME SICK OR UNHAPPY. I FUCKING HATE OTHER PEOPLE. PEOPLE ARE A WASTE. HUMANITY IS SHIT. I'M FUCKING TIRED OF EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING 1 HOUR OF SLEEP WHEN THE FUCKING VENT TURNED OFF WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! I HATE LIFE SO MUCH AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUCKING HAVE A HOME!!!! FUCK

[BooksandTrees]

...

Edited July 1, 2019 by BooksandTrees

[BooksandTrees]

..

Edited July 1, 2019 by BooksandTrees

[goodvibes]

Yeah if the HVAC is constantly pumping then they are either running it too low or it is in need of repair talk to an apartment manager about this - you are worth having quality uninterrupted sleep. If the managers shrug you off you can raise the issue up their chain of command all the way to the top to have a voice in it depending how corporate it is there might only be one boss / one manager. Go easy on yourself with it all though there are really a lot of options. If the HVAC problem is not fixed you can possibly request to move to a new room or could forfeit the deposit, break lease, and hire a moving company to do the heavy lifting. You could also consider the route to hire an attorney to put things into motion and get reimbursement but really guy the money spent on that would be just more down the drain if nothing came of it - I would only do that "if you have money to burn". If it were me I would do what I could talking to management & owners or break lease. Even if you have to save money to do it, your uninterrupted sleep is worth it.

On another note having a conversation with the tenant below won't help you in this case especially if they are running it freezing cold. I stayed over at a friends house once he is an obese fellow and he kept the AC cranked so low I could not sleep, it was a darn icebox. Well his uncle who allowed him to rent the property was furious about it because it was causing condensation around the entire trailer destroying ceiling tile. Considering that to be the case with the tenant below then talking would likely go nowhere and start a rivalry which you don't need either.

Until something happens just hang in there, find ways to cope. Try putting mattress to the floor maybe your bed sucks. I like to use white noise from my loud tower or box fan to mask my parents television, it would otherwise drive me bats. Best of luck ☘️, keep sharing your thoughts and progress. 

Neil

[Vera]

@BooksandTrees hey, your situation is not that bad. goodvibes is right, you must not waste your health and just get the things going as soon as possible by talking to whoever you can about your problem. You can and should be proactive about it, but in the right way. 

[BooksandTrees]

I talked to the manager of the place. He said someone moved in on Saturday and they have their air conditioner running full blast all day long. He said he's going to talk to the regional manager to see if there's anything that can be done. He said for now he'll help me get vibration damping pads and hopefully the guy has a $500 electric bill. Utilities in a loft apartment are very expensive so they'll be hit hard hopefully.

If that fails I will find a way to get in there and talk to him and get him to use a lower level AC unit.

I go insane when I don't sleep. I become very irate and uncontrollable. I got angry because it just feels like everywhere I go there's something idiotic preventing me from being happy or comfortable. It really pisses me off. Plus it was the night before I started work again, where my brain function is paramount.

[BooksandTrees]

@Vera and @goodvibes

Thanks for talking. I appreciate it. I've just been destroyed the past few months and few years for the most part. I need to remain strong.

Today was interesting. I thought today would suck, but it didn't. My company threw a welcome back party for me today at lunch and bought several cakes, coffees, and teas. They talked to me and celebrated. It was so nice. I saw all my friends and they went out to lunch with me before it as well. It made me feel very welcome when I didn't feel very welcome before in my other environments.

I also got text messages from my aunt, my mom, my dad, and my three friends wishing me good luck. They remembered. It felt so nice. I was happy.

I also thought my package was going to get stolen today, but it didn't. I was very angry about ordering something and losing it to thieves. It was there. I think it was there because it weighs 100 lbs, but I'm happy I didn't lose $300.

I'm now going to the store to get the vibration dampers. I'm gonna try to get one for my computer desk and one for my bed. I'll also get one for my couch soon enough.

Edited July 1, 2019 by BooksandTrees

[BooksandTrees]

Weekly Review

My first week of work went well. I'm already in charge of helping younger engineers get their work done, being a part of future proposal contracts, and being placed on a few designs that I have wanted to learn how to do for a while. I also like where I'm sitting because I'm in a less distracting location and don't feel the pressure to keep talking non-stop with my former proximity crush. In fact, there is a giant column between us so I can't even see her. We're friends obviously, but I just found myself wanting to talk to her more than doing my work and it lead to internal emotional conflicts about how I was investing my time at work. I think this turned out for the better.

I almost have everything big completed in my apartment. I'm almost done unpacking, my couch is being delivered tomorrow, and the vibrations at night are not bothering me as much thanks to high level machine vibration dampers being installed on my bed. Sometimes being a structural engineer pays off! The last thing I need to have delivered is my new hobby desk which is scheduled to be delivered on Monday.

Once my apartment crap is sorted out I'd really like to start using that energy towards hobby projects and lifestyle choices. I had a major breakdown with my therapist on Tuesday regarding hobbies and lifestyles. I don't really enjoy doing hobbies on my own or spending time on my own unless I've been social first. If I spend an entire day by myself not talking to anyone I become very sad and closed minded. Brain fog will ensue. 

I told him I don't seek any activities like I did with video games. There's no real reason for me to wake up in the mornings anymore. If I watch porn in the morning I know I'll be very depressed the rest of the day due to serotonin release in my body causing me to be tired immediately after waking up. If I have a place to go I get up and go there. I just don't find anything in my life interesting enough to wake up and be passionately involved with it. I'm somebody who needs that community or emotional involvement. I played RuneScape and NHL and Overwatch because I was part of a team or in charge of a clan. I was constantly talking to them. If I just played RuneScape for skills and levels, I would have been a maxed account years ago. I just liked talking to people. I used to just sit there and talk to people. Work has brought my social life back to me and so have my other hobbies outside of work like volleyball, rock climbing, and potentially hockey and lacrosse again.

I just can't do these things on my own. I never wanted to be the best at RuneScape, but I did at NHL and Overwatch. If something is competitive, I really want to be the best at it. I kind of miss that satisfaction of competition and giving my best at something over a specific period of time. RuneScape didn't have that because you grinded for hours. You could PK, but that is really it besides elite bossing or clan wars/castle wars.

Lifestyle Needs and Rules

Below is a list of needs I crave to satisfy in order to be happy in life: I also am going to highlight the ones I think I've checked off. I don't need or intend to do every item I listed specifically. I intend on balancing the numbers 1-8 and the sub-bullets are examples of what I either need or want to try. I know there are too many to do in a lifetime, but they're examples for me to reference when I crave something but don't know what I want. Like a menu at a restaurant almost.

Legend:

Pink = Partially Completed or started

Yellow = Completed or actively doing

Needs:

1. Social Interaction
   1. Community
   2. Lots of talking with potential for humorous conversation
   3. Teamwork
   4. Work colleagues
2. Creativity
   1. Art: drawing, animation, painting, etc.
   2. Writing: screenplays, books, hockey articles, personal journals, self help pieces regarding self improvement for myself or others
   3. Design: Engineering style projects on a personal scale or just my work and volunteer projects
   4. Cooking new recipes
   5. Finding new music or perhaps learning one day
   6. Comedy: YouTube videos, Podcasting, Stand-up comedy, Writing
3. Physicality
   1. Outdoors for sunlight and exposure to life and aromas: Hiking, walking, trail walks, the beach
   2. Slow-paced: Yoga, rock climbing, stretching, weight lifting (very boring), bowling, pool, darts
   3. Fast-paced: Adrenaline rush to curb my need for competition such as floor hockey, volleyball, tennis, or lacrosse
4. Certainty
   1. Having a place to live that I enjoy
   2. Receiving a paycheck
   3. Receiving health insurance and all associated coverage
   4. Proper sleep schedule
   5. proper meal schedule
   6. consistent water intake
5. Variety
   1. Go to a concert or sporting event once in a while
   2. Try to go on a fun vacation that I'll actually enjoy
   3. Try new restaurants and breweries with friends
   4. Try fun activities like fairgrounds, carnivals, festivals, and group paint night events or something like that
6. Connection
   1. Maintain bonds with friends who i really want to be close to me
   2. Maintain lower level bonds with friends I don't want to lose, but don't necessarily need to know everything about my life
   3. Continue to see my therapist
   4. Be part of the communities I associate myself most with such as engineering for work or animation for hobbies
   5. See my family when I need to, not because of anything else. They have proven to be a let down and I know sacrificing my time for them is a waste for me
   6. Open myself up to the idea of love. I have boundaries built so I don't get hurt again, but I really want to meet a woman. I know my type. It's generally a blonde haired woman either pale or tan with a warm heart, gentle, happy, empathetic, open about her life and emotions, compassionate towards my life and emotions, and loves life. I've met many other women but I am most attracted to this kind of woman. I need communication and not someone who just hides themselves all of the time. My mother has made me hate when people do that and I'm done with it. I don't want to beat around the bush to found out you stubbed your toe. But realistically I will be attracted to any woman who strikes me a certain way. I won't just limit it to a blonde. That's just generally who my heart has reached out to the most.
7. Contribution
   1. Taking the steps to make my life better. I put this as the first bullet point on the list to let myself know that I need to take care of myself first before helping others. I originally put it after volunteer, but deleted it and added it first. I also included this to show that I always put others first and need to stop doing that.
   2. Volunteer my time to build a better community without sacrificing enough time to make me miserable. This could be donating between 1-5 hours a month at special causes or just assisting coworkers and friends make their lives better. I feel good helping others whether it's on this website or in real life doing projects. I recently stopped helping multiple projects and only help the 1 or 2 I am interested in and help on this website.
8. Relaxation
   1. Being able to watch a TV show for a bit without binging, but allow myself to let my mind relax and unwind before bed so i am not overthinking.
   2. Reading
   3. Meditation

This is such a difficult list because of how large it is, but I also know I've taken massive steps to completing it. The past week basically completed number 4 entirely with the new apartment, quicker commute, and work establishment. 

I also find this piece I've written interesting because it shows I'm not doing anything physical, not being social enough, not having enough fun, not being creative, not relaxing enough, and not finding love in any way. I'm spending a lot of my time sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, watching porn, reading dumb articles, pacing around my apartment getting stressed out over things I'm worried about. We all do this. We sit there and read the internet or just let time go by quickly and don't live. I think this bullet list is going to be important for me. I'm going to save it to my computer and eventually a website.

Matt

Edited July 5, 2019 by BooksandTrees