Super Saiyan Journal

[SuperSaiyanGod]

The hard part begins. I stayed clean yesterday, but I'm gonna be honest. The only thing I wanna do right now is watch porn. I fantasize actively on and off. Even when I don't fantasize, I feel this preassure. I look at my spreadsheet, where it's only 6 days left to the biggest goal of my life and I don't care. There are two thoughts in my head: either I relapse right now, which I don't want to do, because I want to fulfill my goal, or I power through the rest of these 17 days and relapse then. I'm rationalizing this in every possible way. That I can always do that again, that I won't be able to do it anyway, that I'm allowed to give myself a reward for going so long. That once every 11 days is great progress.

The thing is - now and then I get this period of easy, and when it ends, I quickly fail, because I can't bare the hard part for more than a few days.

Edited November 25, 2016 by SuperSaiyanGod

[WorkInProgress]

Now it is the tiem that counts. You can do this. Read your journal again and remind yourself of the reasons why you do this. Even if you achieve nothing with it then showing yourself that it is possible  is worth a lot. Remember you want to do it. That doesn't mean you have  to. You know for yourself that These rationalisations are bullshit. Don't fall for your own mind. This things will get better if you power through now. Cravings never last. They come and go and these hardcore cravings will go to if you stay strong long enough.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Relapse with porn. A heavy one, at least three hours of porn, and physical pain afterwards. Now I'm going to sleep, I had some junk food urges but I didn't buy any. The paper still looks pretty good though. I'm going to go on with the exact same deal as before. It I get back on track right now, it will be like exercising a muscle. Some urges for porn are still present, but tiny. Mostly the "I already did it today so the day won't get any more red". Yeah, good excuse. The paper can still look incredible at the end of the month. And if I get back on track right now - one relapse every 10 days is an amazing progress, it's a lot better than 3-8 times a day plus junk food and gaming, no studying and waking up at noon.

One other thing - after the relapse it's so much easier to focus on studying, without all the urges. Although maybe yesterday was just a bad day for concentration.

[WorkInProgress]

Hey good that you stand up again so quickly. One question. DO you asturbate without porn while you do you relapse? I am sure it isn't needed and can maybe be dangerours. But For example Mark Manson's says in his book Models that you shouldn't masturbate too much but if you do you should schedule it one day a week and makeit special and fine Just enjoy it at these time and take the energy benefits the rest of the week  basically. Ofcourse he wasn't addicted to porn so maybe from you point of view that doesn't make sense,

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Status - rock bottom. It's 5am. I look to what my life looked like before the longest, best streak of my life, which lasted 11 days. I look at where I was and I see the exact place I'm at right now. It's 5am and I was about to go to sleep, making another vow to quit in the morning. I spend my time lying on the couch and watching tv series, gaming and masturbating to porn. I wake up later and later every day, I don't feel like going to a grocery store, keeping the apartment clean, attending classes, studying. Anything that requires me to walk further from my couch than kitchen I don't feel like doing. And anything that requires me to take my eyes off the screen. I only eat junk food, candy and ice cream, and I only leave the apartment when I absolutely have to - when I'm out of food or when attendance is mandatory.

A few minutes ago I was making another vow to get clean in the morning, but I had to turn my computer on again and get rid of it all right now, because otherwise I definetly wouldn't do it in the morning. I would just go back to the pattern. I'm gonna get up at nine, draw a new spreadsheet, go buy real food, and get clean. I'm gonna spend the day reading a couple of different books and then consciously stop at nine and go to sleep. With tv you can't stop consciously, because there's always another episode you have to watch; nor can you with games, because there's always another level you have to play. With books - you can just put them away with satisfaction.

Please don't write to me with advice.

Edited December 4, 2016 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Status. One day clean. I didn't exercise yesterday and I meditated in the evening, with a lot of distractions and I was falling asleep a lot. All that because right now I live in the living room and I really don't feel like exercising on view. Also, I had two tests recently, for which I've been studying, and these past few days I didn't have anything to do really. But today I got a list of questions for the next exam, so I think I'll spend the next week working through them, even though the exam is in February.

Also, yesterday I went to sleep a little after 8pm, with a plan of getting up at 6am. I woke up at 11am. I'm a bit angry, but I'm just gonna try the same thing today.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Still one day clean. Today I screwed up with a job offer - I could a Santa for 7 hours and get eight fuckloads of money for it. But I hesitated because I've never worked before and every job offer is terribly scary for me, especially one where you have to talk to children and people in general. Anyway, a guy was supposed to call me, and since he didn't, I suppose they found someone else. Damn. When I talked to a friend about how good of an offer it was, I was about to accept it. Oh, well. For now, tomorrow I have a lot to do with my club so the day's gonna be awesome anyway.

I have urges for porn, specifically to watch a particular set of photos. On one hand, I don't like it that I won't be able to look at them for the rest of my life, even though they are only mildly sexual. On the other hand, the freedom I can get is definetly better than that.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Relapse and thoughts. I relapsed with porn yesterday, because I thought I could just look at it a little and it wouldn't be a problem. Actually, I thought the thing I'd look at wouldn't even count as porn. Right now, I really don't feel like writing here. Which is actually why I have to do this. Every time I relapse and keep relapsing, I lose the will to write here. Or maybe it works the other way?

I wake up extremally late every day, unless there's something I absolutely have to do in the morning (though studying never counts). That's why I don't have time to exercise and meditate. These two I also don't do, because I live in the living room and I don't want to do these on view. Only two or three more days of that though. About the over excess of sleep, I have no idea what to do. Even going to sleep early doesn't change anything.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Back at square one. You know what? It's the same deal as a week ago - I spend my time gaming and watching youtube, and scrolling, I don't eat anything except junk food and I masturbate to porn a couple of times a day. Now it's a bit after midnight and I can't fall asleep. Partly because I woke up late, but probably mostly because of the died I've been indulging in during these past few days - because of which I now have trouble breathing. And so I've decided to stay up all night and write as much of a short story as possible. I think I'm gonna write on paper so as to not have to look at a screen for hours. I've done this only once before, I'll make sure to post here whatever results I have.

I'm not gonna lie, I see this 35-hour period in which I'm not going to go to sleep as a sort of penance or catharsis.

[Tatu92]

I remember being in the den gaming 16 hours a day for 2 years. Don't be too hard on yourself. 

It's hard to make the change if you look at it as punishment. Good luck

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I wrote about 250 words yesterday, and went to sleep when I felt like it would be easy to fall asleep. Today I woke up at six, was happy about though a little tired, then took a shower, meditated, exercised and planned the day. Then I took a nap, when the alarm went off I put up another one and then I overslept, waking up it the last moment when I could make it to the classes. So I didn't do anything, anything that I planned for the day. But that's not a big problem. I'm clean. Also, while napping I had a lot of meta dreams, and they weren't the ones I had previously, about relapsing. Instead they were just sexual dreams, but the didn't actually produce any urges.

[dandielionous]

@SuperSaiyanGod 

I'm supposed to never ever play games again and never ever look at hot chics and masturbate? I've been doing this for so long, it has become part of my identity. I'm gonna have to struggle for the rest of my life, denying myself the pleasures I've been endulging for years, that I've become completly reliant upon?

Wow, never have fun again in life!

You're taking this too far into the future.  Take it one minute at a time.

I can play games.  Just not online MMORPG.  And you can have sex.  Just not spend twenty-four seven with penis in one hand and mouse in the other.

Here's an idea get out and meet a woman and start a relationship!  Oooo real life sex  

Flirtation is a very fun game to play!

Also you're making this huge list for yourself every day.  God I would quit as soon as I saw that list!  Okay! I"m tired now! lol

Make a list if you want.  It's a good tool! The thing to remember though... Did you make it through the day without gaming online?  If you did then you've had a successful day.  And that's all you have to do today.

Things I am currently doing:

1. Drinking water.
2. Eating
3. Sleeping
4. Not playing my game.
5. Not checking the forums or mail on my game.

I've had a successful day.

 

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Dude, that post is from a year ago, I haven't had that thought in months. I don't ever play online games. A day is a success only when I stay clean in regard to porn and masturbation, everything else is ridiculous compared to that.

 

Need for change. I don't know where to start. I don't know what to call this. It's the middle of the night and... Well, I suddenly I have the strongest feeling of a need to change that I have ever experienced. I'm almost ready to cry. It's a sort of a bitter feeling, because I'm looking at my past. I was watching porn and I heard a song I used to listen to on loop while jogging. I miss it so terribly. If I had healthy knees, it would go out for a run this instant. Suddenly I have a terrible need for direction in my life. For action. I want to run, or at least exercise in some other way. I want to have real sex. I want to grow, read books and be interested in things, so that I can have things I can talk to people about.

I know changing is the easiest thing when you're about to go to sleep. But at least I can make a plan. Fill out the spreadsheet with all the red marks I've neglected. Place the junk food I bought today at the garbage. Tomorrow I can purchase some weights, so that I can do at least some exercises without engaging my knee. And check out an interesting non-fiction book. That's all.

[dandielionous]

So sorry.  I'm just learning how old some of these posts are.  Glad to hear you are doing better

 

[Cam Adair]

Dude, that post is from a year ago, I haven't had that thought in months.

FYI, dandielionous is a woman. 

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Back to the front. Okay, new plan. Or actually old plan. I always get happy when I abstain and then I write here a lot. But when I don't abstain and basically make all the wrong choices, I suddenly lose the will to write here. But writing here is supposed to be a thing that helps me stay on track - so it's stupid of me not to use it. The only thing I have to do to stay clean, at least in the beginning, is the same thing I wrote before: let go of unwanted thoughts immediately and use all available resources. And so from now on I'll make sure I write here every day. No matter what happens. (Unless it's so good I don't have time, in which case okay)

Edited December 15, 2016 by SuperSaiyanGod

[Piotr]

Plan your day, have a clear vision of what you gonna do. Focus on success instead of pushing failures away, because thinking this way, you can't achieve success without failures first. Which is bullshit. Go straight for better life. We've got your back!

Edited December 16, 2016 by Piotr

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Please don't give me advice, I don't think it makes any sense if I'm not asking for it.

Quick report of an okay day. Let's see. So far the day is clean. I had a bit of work. I went to the meeting with my friends, where I was santa claus, but it wasn't terribly exciting. Now I'm going to lie in bed and watch anime until I fall asleep. It was a good day, but I wouldn't write here today if not for the need for consistency. That is all.

Edited December 16, 2016 by SuperSaiyanGod

[dandielionous]

90 posts in 90 days = a new habit

 

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Quick update, 4/10 day. Today I reactivated an mmo game for quite a lot of money. It gave me 2 months of play time, and it turned out to be crap, it's so boring and not at all as exciting as I thought it would be. So for the last hour I've been trying to think of a new game I could play. I gamed today just because I'm bored.

[dandielionous]

Well this is one thing that gets me...  If I logged back into the game (My Game) I would have to spend all this time grinding to get my character more developed than what it  is.   Now I don't know about you but to only play one hour and grind all that time doesn't sound like much fun to me.  Especially when I consider everything I would be losing from my good feelings of not playing  

Honestly, I had a craving today too.

We never know which one of us will slip.  I could have slipped as easily as you.

I know I'm probably spending more time than I should in these forums.  But this is what I am clinging too right now and I know it will get better.

What we do here is share our experience, strength and hope.

If these forums are the only safe place for me than that is where I will keep coming back to.

@SuperSaiyanGod All I have to do is get through today.

 

Edited December 18, 2016 by dandielionous

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Quick update, different plan. Okay, I talked to someone yesterday and I got a little advice. I'll try to focus only on porn, and only start with the other things once that's under control. So I'll allow myself to do anything as long as I don't masturbate or watch porn. And so it's gonna be a lot easier to deal with boredom, my number one trigger.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

7/10 day. I spent the day completely disregarding any discipline, except for when it comes to porn. So I ate a lot of junk food, gamed a lot, but didn't touch porn. Yeah, I guess I can consider that a success. The day was pleasant and had a nice board game session at the end, and that made the day a 7 instead of a 6. I was a little bit stressed that I won't be able to study for Tuesday (I have two things I have to prepare and haven't started yet, but only because of my poor choices), but it turns out I have tomorrow morning free, so I'll be able to study then. Good. I think that's all.

Edit: I mean, I have no idea if this approach could ever work. But I can give it a try, I have a lot of time.

Edited December 18, 2016 by SuperSaiyanGod

[dandielionous]

One time I was trying to quit smoking.  I was wearing the patch.  One day I went to work and had forgotten my patch.  So somehow with my stinkin' thinkin' it seemed alright if I bought a pack of cigarettes to help me quit since the patch was also nicotine.  Just one or two ciggies to help me over the rough patch. lol