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I've felt really bad for like the last two or three weeks. I've been relapsing frequently with everything, though the least with gaming. Huh, I don't even know how long it's been since I've last played a game. Not that it matters.

I knew all I had to do was to open this journal and read the posts from three weeks ago, and it would help me get back on track. But I didn't want to do it, I felt pointless.

All I need to do, if I want to feel good, is get up at 6am. And then my day is SO MUCH BETTER. Everything is easier: studying, exercise and so on. I just have to go to bed earlier because last time I just crashed after a week of that.

Now I gotta prepare a presentation I got assigned a month ago in two days, starting from scratch.

Edit: I'm not even thinking about the other two as addictions right now, the only problem is with porn. If I didn't have a problem with porn, I would be totally clean and on the way now. It is porn that makes me depressed and that makes me suddenly lose all my energy.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Okay, it went well. First I was terrified and when I was rehearsing, I almost couldn't say a word. Then I went juggling and got my heartrate up a little, and then I got excited and the second time rehearsing was awesome. Then I got stressed as I was going to the class, but after I talked a little to the people from my group, I got calmer. Side-note, I foudn out that some people I previously wouldn't talk to much are kinda cool.

Now I feel free, because the two biggest and most stressful things I've had to do this past month - the presentation and tha party for the first-years I've been coordinating - are done now, and both went well. Now I can do anything I want for the next coupld of days. Here's the plan.

  • On Saturday I'm gonna have fun cleaning the whole apartment and writing a report from the party, and also a thank-you post for everyone who helped (or saved me when I was too terrified to come out to the stage and be a host. I'm probably gonna play a board game with my roomies.
  • Sunday - I don't have a lot planned. I'll probably visit my brother and also run an errand for a friend. Other than that, probably lots of juggling and reading a textbook.
  • Monday - reading and juggling, exercise (but only push-ups since my knees are in a terrible condition). Then classes and then the first meeting of my club that I can go to - it's gonna be awesome, there's so much exciting stuff happening.

I'm probably gonna be helping with a campaign for combating the stigma of mental illness - as a co-host of workshops for kids.

 

It's time to take control of my life. Somehow... I gotta do this. But I wonder what to do. How to grasp all of it.

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I'm gonna try again to make my life work, the only way I know. So below is my brand-new progress tracker. From left to right:

  • Stretching - this is imperative, as my knee is getting worse and worse.
  • Meditation - has to be twenty minutes and necessarily in a seated position in a hard chair
  • Shower

The first three comprise my morning routine. Well, there is also breakfast, but that's in the next point. The first three are immediate and positive - I can mark them green as soon as I do them. The last five are an assesment of the entire day, and are to be marked green only at the beginning of the next day.

  • Food - two to four meals composed of real food count as green mark. Any amount of junk-food, candy or snacks counts as red.
  • Gaming - no gaming counts as green.
  • Internet - can only use internet as mentioned in a previous post, and then it counts as green.
  • Porn, masturbation - not allowed. Looking at porn but not masturbating counts as relapse. Masturbating, even without orgasm or edging counts as relapse. I have to be very strict and real here. The problem is that if I mark it as red, I usually feel like this is already bad, so screw this, I can just go all out. I'm not sure what to do about that. Where is the line between a slip and a relapse, considering this addiction is so hard and brutal? I think the answer is just radical abstinence, no excuses.
  • Studying - a day spent on studying counts as green. The main criterion is whether I'm satisfied with what I have learned.

Today it's been all red. I could still take a shower and meditate, but it's 4am. I've been gaming today and I think also yesterday. This spreadsheet is just a start, now I just have to stick with it as long as is needed.

IMAG0002.jpg

Edit: Filling this small piece of paper with green only would be the single greatest accomplishment of my life. It makes me wanna cry, but in a good way.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Yesterday was a success. Well, I didn't have time to study so I allowed myself to mark that as green. So far today has been good, it's 9am and I have been awake for 4,5 hours. It's a good thing, because I need to work on my sleeping habits if I want to stay clean (being unable to fall asleep produces urges) - and a great opportunity for that was having to go to a doctor at 8am. I have this chronic thing that's been annoying me for years, now I've finally gotten around to doing something about it. And so I have another appointment on Thursday, which I chose to be as early as possible, so as to force me to rise early.

Yesterday evening sucked though, because I couldn't find anyone who'd want to go to cinema with me. I don't think I'll go alone, although I might revise that plan if I get too bored - which, again, would be a code red because I have to avoid triggers.

And now I have to go because I actually have a thing, wow.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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I've decided to cross studying out of the list, because it doesn't matter whether I do it every day.

Today was also easy and nice, but now I have some urges. And the thought that accompanies them is: I'll probably fail again. I don't like it. I also feel like buying junk food and eating it in front of the computer for the rest of the evening.

I'll just look at that piece of paper and remember what my dream is.

Today I've been trying to meditate twice, but the second time I was falling alseep. I'll try that again tomorrow.

Another small change - I've started eating less at a time. I always feel like this is too little, but then I savor it more. I started doing that because I always suddenly so little energy after eating.

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Status. I'm clean. It's noon, I just got up, but I don't care, since this evening I'm going to a three-day party and I'm not planning to sleep at all until Sunday evening. This is going to do miracles for my abstinence - great people, a lot of new people, lots of dancing and overall awesomeness, this is exactly what I need to charge my batteries.

Unwanted images. For now I'm incredibly happy that I've been clean for the last four days. I'm mostly talking about porn, although I've also had junk food urges. Anyway, I was getting urges yesterday and the day before that - unwanted images from porn and unwanted fantasies. I've decided I have to do two things about these:

  1. Make sure I let go of the images as soon as they appear, much like in meditation - it always starts like this, when I start to follow some fantasy and then I can't resist any longer. Letting go isn't easy, though it's a lot easier the moment it starts (it's actually ridiculously easy compared to later). Over time, my proper meditation should help with that, but until then, I have to manage somehow. That's why I'm meditating at least 20 minutes a day.
  2. Use all the available resources for my benefit. I'm talking about youtube videos of people who have stayed clean, inspirational success stories and other articles. I've never really been using them, and when a time came that I really needed them, my urge was so huge that I didn't even think of them. Or thought of them and immediately ignored them. I have to use them preventively every day. The time when I stretch or clean my room is perfect for that.

I should also not how I generally feel about these fantasies. On one hand I hate them, but on the other hand I they are luring me. This is kind of a feeling of nostalgia - I miss porn and masturbating because they used to be a safe place for me. I'm not going to lie that these images don't excite me - they do, and one part of me wants to go back to them, because they feel so exciting and welcoming. But I've let go of that. I'm not going back there, because I know does to me and to my life.

Dreams of relapse. Tonight and last night I've had extremally vivid, terrifying dreams about relapsing to porn. Once last night, and at least twice tonight. It was terrible, I was thinking about how I'm disappointing myself, about how I've just ruined all the effort. After I remember a dream like that, I'm not sure whether I've really relapsed or not. Right now I'm happy I've had them, because now I know what it would feel like. Even in the night, when I woke up and had a little trouble falling asleep, I knew I wasn't going to start masturbating. Fantasies have still been appearing, but I just started meditating in bed until I fell asleep again.

Now, I'm leaving my apartment in four hours. If I stay clean until then, I'm going to be clean for one week, since I know I'm not relapsing this weekend. Meditation and stretching are going to be harder though, but I'll manage.

Yesterday evening I cleaned my room. It was a terrible mess. Some years ago I realised that the state of my room corresponds with the state of my life. And usually both are a complete mess. When I was cleaning it, I in fact felt as if I was cleaning up my entire life.

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Status. If I stay clean until I wake up tomorrow, it's the scene by the scarecrow again. Not that it's anything else than a matter of decision. For now it's 7 days, wow. It's going easy and the trip helped A LOT, I met a lot of interesting people and had a lot of great, inspiring conversations. I got a contact to a student theater, and I talked to one girl about making some music together - which she says she's down for. Yesterday I've been playing guitar for quite a while, because she's a lot more talented than me. I also didn't screw up my sleeping cycle even though during the trip I was awake for 40 hours straight. And during the trip I didn't skip meditation or training - at 7:30, when the party was slowing down, I just went to take shower, then left and sat by my favorite river and meditated; I simply started a new day the way I always do. When I got back, everyone else was asleep.

I didn't waste today either - I left home early because of a promise to a friend, but then I thought this was a great circumstance, because being outside with people keeps me busy and makes it ludicrously easy to stay clean. And so I spent the entire day with friends from my club, we were hosting a lottery to help fund a local hospice. It was a nice success. Then I went to one and a half lectures, and then to another event organised by my club - a meeting on how to become a sports psychologist. Overall, the day has been grand.

New occurence in recovery. The night has been easy, probably because of all the lack of sleep I've had on the trip. I went to sleep at 8pm and woke up at 1am, feeling quite well. However, I had a little trouble falling asleep again, and at one time, when I was half-conscious, I started masturbating. It was the first time during this abstinence and it was unconscious - and it lasted a second. I immediately realised what was happening and bolted upright. That was automatic as well, it just happened. Maybe a part of me is taking over and building a barrier against acting out? Maybe the will to stop is suddenly so powerful, that it controls my movement without me having to think about it? Maybe the terrible dreams of relapse did a damn good job? I hope it's true - and it that case I want more of them.

By the way, my reaction to a 6am alarm was the same - it took me .45 seconds to get up. It didn't go so well for the 5am one, but I'm not complaining, I feel good.

Urges and kisses. I still miss it though. I want to go back to that warm place. But I don't think about it at all - when a memory arises, I let go of it. Speaking of warm places - a girl kissed me twice during the trip. Nothing romantic, just friendly. But it felt so good. I think I'll pass on that fake warmth and shallow excitement if this is what's waiting for me down the road.

Progress. You can see it below - I'm so damn proud of myself. I'm almost halfway into fulfilling the greatest dream of my life.

IMAG0008.thumb.jpg.4c619739302093aa8589b

Plans. The next two weeks I'm going to fill with studying. I have two test coming up and I want to do as well as possible - but most of all, I want to learn as well as possible. I think I'll be spending a lot of time at my college building - and enjoy zero urges for hours on end.

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Very quick update. Thanks guys. I've got no urges! Why? I don't believe it! I spent today with my friends, hosting the charity event we also had yesterday. I got up early, did two hours of power, left quite early and got home quite late. Feels good. Now I'm gonna go read for pleasure, and tomorrow morning I start with the studying.

Urges and fantasies. I found that it's important to write about every small urge or fantasy in here. I'm going to continue doing that. Writing about these things helps me grasp them, see that they aren't really that terrible. Today I had some romantic fantasies, about the girl who kissed me. But I let go of these thoughts too, though they returned a couple of times. Fantasizing doesn't help with with absolutely anything, and I know romance fantasies often lead to porn and sex fantasies - that means they are triggers, and so I'm going to avoid them. I also avoid any small triggers in movies and TV shows, which I don't watch that many - take yesterday, when I knew an episode was about porn, so I skipped it. Can't ever be too cautious.

Hope. Tomorrow I'm going to be over half-way into my greatest, most desired goal. It really helps that it's just 18 days, instead of an entire month. Next month will also be split into two parts, so that the goal is smaller. But today I let myself think that tomorrow I will be 10% into the 90 day goal. I'm so happy how far I've gotten.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Hey, remember that you've got Mad Pharmacist on your site, especially during tough days.

He even has the same flag as you! :D

Btw. what is your aim with relationship with woman? I mean, what for are you avoiding triggers which can lead to pornography?

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Morning pride. I'm clean. I'm so clean. I've never been so clean. Nine days, and it couldn't be less difficult. Usually after a couple of days I'm drowning in fantasy and urges. This time it's been NINE DAYS, and I've only had very minor urges and short fantasies - which were easy to get rid of. It's also nine days without junk-food and gaming, but I've done that many times before, I don't even think about those two anymore. If I can stay clean of porn, then there couldn't be anything easier than not gaming.

Evening urges. I'm having some porn urges. I'm having nostalgia and some fantasies. Some of which I didn't let go of immediately. I'm going to continue with the plan - let go of fantasies and use resources. And so I'm going to listen to one video and then meditate in bed until I fall asleep.

Dream of relapse. Just now I remembered that I've had another one of those this night. It was a lot more horrible than the ones before, a lot more vivid. I think that's a good thing. It reminds me of how much relapses suck without having to relapse. I'm grateful for them.

Faith. I'm not a believer, but now that things are suddenly going so well, I'm starting to doubt myself. I've had a mystical experience two summers ago, it was the strongest feeling I have ever had, and it ended my suicide thoughts in a split second. I'd been having them quite often for years, and now I have an impenetrable barrier against them - whenever one appears, it's as if an outside force is dismissing them, without any effort. I'm not going to explain any of that. But I've been always thinking a little about Jesus's teachings, and now I'm thinking maybe he has something to do with what's currently happening. I don't think I'll ever believe he actually exists, but hope might be a better word than faith in my case.

If I wake up clean tomorrow, it'll be 10 days. Right now every new second is the farthest away from that prison I have ever been.

Words. I'm thinking a lot about the words I'm using. I try to use I will rather than I might. I try to never use I can't or I couldn't. The only problem is with if. On one hand I want to use when I wake up clean tomorrow. On the other hand, this is one area of my life where I'm not sure I have total control. I don't know if it's good to feel so cinfident with my capabilities in this specific matter. Perhaps I should wait with that.

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Nine days is something awesome - it's 10% of the standart detox here.

Remember that:

  • if you did 9 days, then you can do 18 day
  • if you did 18 days, then you can do 27 days
  • if you did 27 days, then you can do 36 days
  • if you did 36 days, then you can do 45 days
  • if you did 45 days, then you can do 54 days
  • if you did 54 days, then you can do 63 days
  • if you did 63 days, then you can do 72 days
  • if you did 72 days, then you can do 81 days
  • if you did 81 days, then you can do 90 days
  • if you did 90 days, then you can do THE LIFETIME!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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First time real urges. Yesterday I went to bed quite early because I wanted to wake up early today. Didn't work, I didn't get up at six and instead got up after nine. Doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm 10 days in. The other important thing is that I had quite strong urges as I was trying to fall asleep. I was thinking about porn and what I would be looking at if I were to look at porn. I had serious nostalgia. On one hand, the content that I miss most - even the thought of it excites me. On the other hand, this is some pretty sick, HOCD stuff. It has nothing to do with real sex. Anyway, some of the thoughts I was letting go of, but they were coming back. Some of them I fed on my own, to a point where I got a physical reaction. And some of them I think I started myself. But with every one of them, at some point I got a hold of myself and started letting them go. Then new ones appeared, and I let go of them as well. Finally I went to sleep.

The nature of urges. Through all that, I realised that:

  • none of these urges are an actual threat to me,
  • all of these urges go away, especially when I utilize a meditation approach,
  • the point of no return only comes when I start acting out on them. In the past, even to a small urge I would react immediately, and that physical feeling was something I couldn't let go of. Now I realised that even a strong urge is just a temporary thing, and in no way I have to react to that.

This is a way in which I was finally able to understand the concept of Urge Surfing. That guided meditation only stresses me out, because that woman is going way too fast for me to process it all. When I do it on my own - at least yesterday it worked well.

Shifting perspective on addiction. Oh, I'm having trouble expressing what I think. I always felt like my addiction and me were the same thing. Now I think that a huge part of me is actually conscious and whether I act out is a matter of a conscious decision.

Fear of more urges. I know that these urges from yesterday are still there, and I know that they are going to keep resurfacing during the day. There's also a matter of an account I have on a pintrest-like website for porn. I know I could just block the images, go there and delete the account. But that's how I relapsed last time. Something triggered me and I decided to just take a peek - and then I binged for a couple of weeks. So I'm just going to leave it there for now. At some point I'll probably forget the name of the account and it'll be over.

One last thing. I think I'm getting more and more concentrated on porn - and the more I think about it, the more I want to go back to it. I'm gonna leave my apartment in about two hours and only come back after classes. That'll at least do for the next several hours.

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Constant, measurable growth. I've started juggling almost two months ago. It was a nice challenge, but right now I'm not juggling as much and I'm not seeing almost any progress. However, these past 10 days I've been stretching and meditating daily and I'm seeing progress there. Meditation for 20 minutes doesn't seem very long anymore, but I'm not going to increase the time yet - I'm gonna stay at 20 minutes for at least another month. I still often have that thought "when is it going to end", but it usually comes quickly by that point.

I've also been stretching my legs (little progress) and past few days I've also been practicing sitting cross-legged, because that always used to be a problem for me. I want to improve my posture, because that would be better for my social interactions, and I also want to improve my breathing, which isn't going well when I try to sit/stand straight. And so at the end of every stretching session I sit down cross-legged for at least 5 minutes, and today I saw real progress. I no longer tremble that much, I don't have to shift position all the time or hold my legs in order to keep straight, or readjust my back all the time. At first, the 5 minutes was very long, but now I can just put on a youtube video what is 7 minutes or longer and sit through it, without thinking about my back a lot. I'm going to keep increasing the length of that more often. Yesterday I also started doing some other exercises to help my back and breathing and they are going poorly. Which is the point I think. They are actually painful, but hopefully in a few days it'll be better.

Now I'm gonna meditate. It was a mistake to eat before stretching and meditating.

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Sounds like a good approac to get to a nice cross legged sitting posture. I'llt try that for the lotus-sit. I don't really Need to do it but i want to be able to sit comfortable in this positin for a Long time now. There is no reason why I shouldn't be able too.

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Lotus - maybe in a couple of years. But I hope I can get good enough with normal sitting to be able to meditate in that position. For now I need a chair.

Yeah, I've got urges. I'm fantasizing on my own, though it could be a lot worse. I've got this feeling that I could just open up a website and go to town, and I build that up in my mind as the best, most exciting thing in existence. I'll now go to sleep and surf them. I was going to write "try to surf them", but no. I'm going to surf them.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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