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A lot. And the problem with that is that it keeps waking me up several times a night, unless I'm really tired. Also, I almost can't breathe through my nose and so my mouth gets very dry, so I need to drink a lot of water all the time. Damn it.

I'm back in the city. I met my new roomies and I'm a bit exasperated with them already. Otherwise, I'm feeling a bit lonely right now, I didn't have that when I was at my parents' house.

I want to decorate my new walls and I've also decided to make a new spreadsheet calendar, the one where I mark days as red or green based on which activities etc. were a "success". I haven't been keeping those during the summer. And I wonder if it still makes sense. I don't like seeing a row of read with pornography or video games or whatever, but I do like seeing rows of green. I currently have 30+ days of abstinence from junk food, so that's good. But I don't want to do things because I have to do them every day. I want to exercise and eat well because I want to be healthy. I want to study not because I have to study for an hour every day, I want to study because I want to learn psychology. So I wonder if I should still keep them. During the last month it work really well for food and exercise without them. On the other hand I want to keep track of progress. Hmmm.

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I feel just a little bit depressed. Why do I feel so lonely here in the city, in an apartment I share with three people, when I was in the countryside for three months and there I was physically alone? Except for the cat anyway. Is it just because a change happened? New room, new people? Is it because my class schedule doesn't fit well with my extracurricular activities? Or maybe it's because I'm afraid of people? Or maybe just because I'm a little bit sick? Or is it anxiety about classes starting again? Or about the fact that I won't be able to do whatever I want for the whole day, like I used to these last three months? Or maybe it's just because it's been the second day without gaming? I don't know, I feel like crying.

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Hey, haven't read your journal in its entirety. I can relate to quitting porn though, I'm in the same boat. Pretty impressive what you have done, you should be proud. Ok, you're anxious, but that's to be expected in your situation. If you feel like crying you are ALIVE which is ten times better than living live like an addict. If you're afraid of people you can do something about that. I was very introvert for years, things are changing now and I too have done A LOT of porn and games and other shit. Start with small stuff, courage is like a muscle. It can grow and improve, but you don't go to the gym lifting 200 pounds right away. Start small. Good luck!

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It's one a.m. and I can't sleep. Stupid sleep. I was actually very sleepy at 8pm but I only slept for 90 minutes! I am currently working on getting my sleeping habits together, these past two days I got up a little after six, and on Sunday at eight. Although the last two times were mostly because I couldn't sleep. Or because after the alarm rang I couldn't fall asleep again, as I feel constantly sick since I've returned to the city. Maybe I have an allergy for something in this apartment, or something in the city.

What else? Today I had a lot of errands to do and I didn't feel bored at all. Nor did I feel any urges for games, which is unusual. I had some urges for junk food though. And of course none of that stopped me from looking at porn three times.

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I've started learning how to juggle two days ago. I've been procrastinating with it for two or three months but now that I've made the perfect balls (using baloons and grain), I almost can't stop, because I love it so much. I get sweaty after a short while and it's a great feeling. That's good, because I currently can't exercise at all, as I have to go easy on my knee and I'm waiting for a medical examination. Anyway, I'm progressing a lot faster than I thought I would, I can already throw three times and usually catch it, and sometimes even four times. The problem now is that they are usually running away to the front, as I'm not a good thrower in general. But I guess in a week I'll be able to juggle properly with ease. I can train for up to an hour.

I have new roommates and we've been playing a boardgame these last two or three days, which is awesome. The boardgame is in a fantasy setting though, and that gives me some urges to play video games. It is now day 8 of no gaming. And day 39 or so without junk-food - the latter being the harder one. I have serious urges quite often, so I probably shouldn't go hungry for as long as I usually do. My plan to eat twice a day may have to be modified, especially when you add the stress of college to the equation.

But usually when I have a food urge, I think the following: "I haven't missed a day of training in almost a month - except for the day when my doctor forbade me. I've fallen in love with jogging for pleasure, and I've lost ten pounds since the time I reached the highest weight I've ever had. I've experienced constant progress with my strength exercises. I also know excess weight is bad for my knee, and that's bad if I want to ever run again. And it wouldn't have happened if, for the last month, I had been eating like I have been for the last two or three years. I don't want to go back to that and hinder my progress further, and gain more weight and lose the progress I made with running, and make running an unpleasant chore, as it was before, rather than a fun activity". And for now it's worked. I just have to not go hungry because then I often think I can just buy potato chips and it will be faster and better than eating normal food. I also keep thinking it will be the best, tastiest thing I've ever had. Which of course is total bullshit, I just have to remember to all the things I've written on the topic in the past - and remember how sick I always got after a few packs of chips, and how little energy I always had on the next day. And how I would ruin my sleeping patters yet again because I was binging on junk-food and tv shows until 2am.

Porn - I haven't even been enjoying it for the last week or so. Maybe it's because I'm constantly sick, or maybe it's because I've gotten desentisized to the stuff I've been watching lately, and it's just not as exciting as it used to be. This is a dangerous time because the addiction might escalate to another level, and that would at the best-case scenario screw up my head even further, and at the worst-case scenario lead me to something extremally illegal and ruin my entire life. Right now it's just a chore that I feel like I HAVE TO do a couple of times a day. And I also know I could spend that time juggling or reading, but the pull of it is still a lot stronger. I don't know what to do. For now I'm clean today.

I think that's it. Today might actually be quite busy, I like that very, very much.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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I'm reading a fantasy book and it gives me cravings for a certain video game. I have now been clean for almost ten days. I also have cravings for junk food, which I haven't had in six weeks. I think this is the longest I've ever gone without it, at least for the last two or three years.

I had my knee examed and it turns out it's just the mildest, most common form of the runner's knee. I just have to take some pills for a couple of days, stretch the side of my thigh, and return to my previous exercise routine slowly. I was allowed to run on Monday and the pain was nothing compared to the last time, I easily ran 2 miles. I didn't even lose any of my new stamina, I only got a mild side-owiewowie.

I started my classes yesterday, and for now I didn't feel like talking to anybody. Except for people from my club, none of which I have classes with, and so far I've only met one of them. There were two meetings planned and I can't go to any of them.

I want to be really good at my classes this term. Short-term I want to get a scholarship starting next year, but since I haven't done so well on my first term, I pretty much have to get straight A's from now on. Medium-term I want to switch to daytime classes instead of evening classes, but they only let three people a year do that and you have to have a brilliant average grade. Long-term I want to make a PhD in psychology, and I need to be REALLY good if I want it to happen. I also have to get a scholarship every year while I'm doing it, because I'm gonna be over 26 by then and at that point I'd rather go to work than take more money from my parents. This all scares me greatly, and for now I'm pretty much procrastinating full-time.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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So today, like yesterday, I felt scared of everything: studying, cleaning up the room, reading, taking care of myself, having to have discipline for the rest of my life. So I've decided to write a Tasks For The Maintenance And Betterment Of Living sheet, where I put one task slash goal at a time, work on that task for a while until it's a bit underway, and then write another task. For now I've only written one task, and that is STUDY MORE. See, the problem was that with all my goals related to studying, I'm gonna have to get really good at it. And I'm really bad at it, though I remember I used to be able to learn everything with ease when I was younger. But I haven't been studying anything seriously for the last seven years or so. And I got scared: what if I can't do it? What if I try to study and fail, and don't get good grades and the scholarship I want? Today I couldn't decide what I should do with my time. Should I study, read, juggle, play the guitar, clean the room? The future seems so scary, it creates a lot of stress. Then I thought, what's the one thing that is creating the most stress? I realised it's the fear of not being good enough to secure a future for myself, not being good enough to become good at something and be able to sustain myself when I'm on my own. And I've decided that the thing I can do right now to start dealing with that stress is to just start studying. I'm not gonna know whether I can be good at it if I never start, if I keep running away from it. And the minute I wrote this one simple task on the tftmabol sheet, everything became clear. I knew what I had to do. I became focused. I've realised I only need a little bid of space for my book, I don't need to clean the whole room before I start studying. All I needed whas the clear purpose, the clear task that is ahead of me, and to see how simple it is and that I don't need to distract myself from it. By writing just this one goal instead of two or three or five, I learned that it is actually simple. And so I did study. And it was easy.

 

For now it's late in the evening, and even though I woke up at 6am and I haven't taken any naps, I can't fall asleep. I know sitting in front of the screen isn't gonna help, but I have to distract myself. I'm not gonna sleep for more than three hours most likely. The reason: I'm having huge urges to masturbate to a mental image of a girl I know from college. I just couldn't stop looking at her today and now the image is almost ingrained in my eye-thingy. I can't get her out of my head especially since she is actually nice to me and I even talk to her once in a while. This is what I know for sure. The only thing that would satisfy me right now is a date with her, and that's not going to happen. Anything else I do right now - act out, or try to masturbate quickly without fantasy - would leave me with a petty substitute for satisfaction. So I'm just gonna have to bear with it and try to fall asleep anyway. Maybe I'll get three hours of sleep and tomorrow I'll be tired all day. But that would at least mean I could fall asleep easier.

IMAG0566.jpg

Oh, god, it's just beautiful. I just can't look at it long enough. So simple. So precise. So perfect. This is the most beautiful invention I've ever had, even though I stole the title from my favorite youtuber. Oh god, I'm gonna look at it a little bit more, and then I'll go to sleep.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Okay. In the spirit of studying more I've taken an optional project, a 30-minute presentation about pre-natal psychology. It's gonna be hardcore, extreme, probably hard and time consuming. This is great, because I need things to do. This is a perfect intellectual challenge so it's gonna keep me from gaming. However, I now have a lot to do and I might not make it in time with everything. I have currently two projects in making, plus staying up to date with reading for the classes, and also I'm gonna be co-hosting an integration class for first-years and also I'm gonna be organizing a huge party for all the students in my institute. So it's basically five things. Dayum. Hm. I think I can make it. I mean, I'm gonna have so much time every weekend, I just have to start immediately and it's gonna be okay. Hopefully by the end of it I'm gonna be over a month into gaming abstinence and over 9 weeks into junk-food abstinence. And - dare I hope that - over three weeks into porn abstinence. Wish me luck.

As for the needs my addictions used to fulfill for me. Intellectual stimulation - check plus. Exciting challenge - check plus. Temporary escape - this might be a problem since all this might suddenly become radically stressful. But I find writing here, watching nofap videos, stretching and practicing juggling all help me with winding down, especially when I have porn urges. Social - hmmm. That's the hardest one. Not covered. Constant measurable growth - I can measure growth by how many days I've gone without acting out. I can measure juggling progress easily and, at least for now, it factually is truly constant. Stretching provides constant growth, but it's not visible over a short period of time. I can measure weight which, at least until two weeks ago, has been going down. When I'm allowed to run and work out again, this is gonna be covered perfectly. Also keeping with the schedule of all these projects and college activities might provide a very satisfying feeling.

Actually social - I don't know if I'm gonna have time during the next four weeks, but I might be able to go to a dance class later. I love dancing. That would be great for social needs. Also tomorrow I'm going to a party. And I also might hang out with some people randomly outside of classes. But this isn't the main goal right now. For now I only have one goal, and it's extremally satisfying.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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I suddenly have so many college-related things to do. I have to regularly study for six different subjects, one of which is more lightweight, but the rest of them are serious. I also have four different projects on me right now. The only problem with all that is that I'm a slow reader and most of my studying is actually about reading. So once again I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep up with everything. I probably don't have to do all these things to pass the term, but I don't want to do it like that. So I'm just gonna have to do the same thing as before: just start studying. Organize all these things (which I've already done just now) and start working on the most urgent one. Time to go.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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I've made a reddit thread about porn, where I learned a lot. It's about the marathon mentality when starting to fight an addiction. And about the fact that almost nobody actually get's it done the first time. I'm gonna post it here so that I never lose it. This is the link.

This was inspired about this great video I'm watching every day.

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I was at a nice party yesterday, but I was afraid it would ruin my sleeping habits. Not that I have any, but I thought it might ruin the progress I made in wakind up at 6am. Yesterday, for some reason I woke up at 8, and today also at eight. But I feel good, I was afraid 5,5 hours of sleep wouldn't be enough.

The thing with partying is that right now I have so many things to do, and I'm trying to work on my sleeping habits, so I should probably avoid any other parties for the next four months. I'm only going to the big party that I'm gonna be organizing at the end of October, and even then I can safely be home at 1am and get a good night's sleep.

Right now I actually feel like going to bed, or sitting in an armchair and watching a movie, or read an easy book. But I think I'm gonna study instead. I might take a short nap a bit later.

As for studying, I'm a bit exhasperated, because I want to work on the harder project, but one of my libraries is STILL CLOSED, and at the other one I have to prolong my account or whatever. And that means standing in line a lot on Monday. Oh, well. I still have three weeks, I'm just gonna start studying the thing I currently have on hand.

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Not sure if I have anything to write today. Anyway, in the last week the ratio of posts to days, and also words to days, has been very high. But I simply have a lot of things to process. Today I studied for maybe two hours, tops. I'm getting extremally good at juggling, which I use as a breather between studying sessions (though today there were two and far apart). I don't feel like studying any more today.

But I don't want to sit in fron of the computer for two more hours. There's already been like four of those today. I gotta think of something. I wonder if I can fall asleep right now instead of at 10. Meh, I'll give it a try. I just hope I don't get huge porn urges the second I go to bed.

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This day was HUGE, in both exciting and really scary moments. I scribbled all of this on the back of a receipt so that I wouldn't forget it. I'm just gonna write it in bullet points, because I DON'T HAVE TIME AND I LOVE IT.

  • This morning I've decided to watch the latest presidential debate and after it ended I saw a daughter of Trump. I've decided to look her up and see more of her, because I got turned on. This is my fifth day that I attempt to abstain from porn or masturbation. Then I found some of her modeling photos and so on, and then I've decided to look up more stuff about the campaigns, as an excuse to look up a page of a pornstar who has endorsed one of the candidates. I just "wanted to see if it was still there". And then I stumbled upon an nsfw photo. Rush of emotions etc. I looked for it for several seconds and then decided to drop it all and go outside because I had some stuff to do.
  • When I was in the city, I thought about how much time I have to prepare for tomorrows class, and I realised I have almost none. I've been kinda preparing for the last couple of days, but that wasn't enough. I've realised I have so little time for anything, and I have so many projects to do.
  • So when I returned, I decided that I have to reduce my internet time to a minimum. I still spend two or three hours a day on youtube and facebook and the like - possibly even more time. For example today I studied, but I forgot to stretch my leg, which is part of my treatment - all because I spent so much time on the debate. Thus I wrote a second goal on my tftmabol sheet: REDUCE COMPUTER TIME. I've devised a plan on how to do it.
  1. Facebook is allowed only in the morning and in the evening, and only to communicate with people from my groups and class briefly, on all important matters.
  2. I'm allowed to listen to something while stretching and working out. But it can't be things on youtube that I haven't seen yet.
  3. I can check out when do buses or trams leave when I need to.
  4. I can do college stuff - administrative things, which I have to do on occasion. Also library stuff.
  5. I can read books I only have in electronic form. This is probably gonna take most of the time I spend on a computer once I start reading them.
  6. I can read/watch porn recovery stuff in the morning for 10 minutes. I have a video that I watch every morning, I also read just a little bit of the pornfree subreddit to get an anti-porn shield for the rest of the day.
  7. I can journal here in the evening for as long as I need to. This is extremally important.
  8. I don't watch the youtube channels I most like: vlogbrothers and their channels, wheezywaiter. These things always lead to a shorter of longer binge on youtube, and so I don't go there ever. Though I might be allowed to do a small marathon at the end of a month to catch up. I'll think about it.
  9. I don't watch anything when eating. This also always leads to a short binge. I just did it for the first time today and I actually even read a textbook I had in front of me. It wasn't as boring as I expected it to be. The food wasn't very good though, I have to take better care of that from now on.
  • When I started making dinner, I suddenly got a powerful urge to masturbate and a vivid fantasy appeared. It was induced by the previous slip on the internet. I waited for several minutes and it went away, which was good. Turns out all this stuff about urges going away on their own is true. It came back later when I was on lectures and they were distracting me seriously. These also went away after a while. Also I think not sitting alone works for those things, as later I got a friend and I forgot everything abut the urges.
  • Today I found out that the mainstream media is full of sexual triggers and so from now on I'm not watching it. My recovery is the most important thing in the world, nothing else matters. The only mainstream media I actually watch is election stuff, which I don't even need to watch, as I'm always commited to someone anyway. I also can't vote in America. The "I like to keep track of important events" argument is an excuse. It's bullshit. I'll find out about the most important stuff anyway, I don't have to look for any of those.
  • Today I had a lot of classes in the evening, so I couldn't go for a huge meeting of my club. I wanted to go though. I was appointed the Chief Partying Executive and my party theme passed. Kinda. Tomorrow I start working on the party and apparently I'm gonna have a lot of help and support from a lot of people. Including a hot girl I really wanna date. Which brings me to the last point.
  • I knew they were gonna go to a bar after the meeting and I was wondering whether I should go. Con: I don't have time, I should be studying. Pro: I probably wouldn't study much anyway. Pro: Meeting with my people is gonna rejuvenate me and I need that to fight an addiction. This is a big one. Pro: She might be there and we haven't talked for months, so if she's there, it'll definetly be worth it, She was there. We were there for over an hour and I had a great time. I felt confident and I was very talkative. I was talking mostly to her most of the time. And at some point I MADE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR THAT I WANNA DATE THE CRAP OUT OF HER. This is probably the biggest thing of the day, since I could never communicate my intentions to her. We always have fun when we talk in real life, a bit worse when not irl. But I had some trouble with that as always. Today I did it and I'm not actually sure whether she liked that and whether she likes me like that. But I did it. It was easy. There could maybe be a coffee next week and she'll probably be at the party. I'm not gonna stop until it's either done or it's seriously made clear that it's not going to happen.

Now I gotta go to sleep.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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I was right, the urges of yesterday dissolved for now. Today I'm co-hosting two workshops for first-years, they start in an hour and I'm seriously stressed out. But it's not gonna give me a minute to fantasize about anything, which is good. After that I have an interesting class, I'm planning to participate hard. That way I won't have time for any urges. Later I still have quite a lot to do, I have to call the club and probably also study at least a little bit.

I just calculated my grade average and it's around 4,1. I need 4,5 to at least be able to apply for scholarship and to apply for a switch to daytime classes. And even then it's not guaranteed. I screwed up my first term, and to make it up I'm gonna have to get pretty much straight A's over the next two terms. This seems extremally hard, I feel sad. And angry at myself.

That is all for now.

I guess I'm just gonna have to suck it up and nail every subject. How hard can it be? It's just repetition.

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FUUUCK. I hate calling people! Why do I have to be the one calling all these clubs!

Edit: Okay, it's going better than I thought. I didn't call, but I wrote an email, and I have an appointment at another club tomorrow. Good. The worst part might be ending. Ain't got time to write more stuff today, but the day was AWESOME.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Porn relapse, a very hard one, at day 7. Here's the story: I was thinking about deleting my stash from the internet but it would take some time and I'd have to bee looking at it. That alone gave ma an urge for porn. It didn't dissolve after a nap, and when later I've decided to delete the stash, I got triggered afterwards and spent a lot of time in porn. I wanted to stop, call it a relapse and get back on track, but when I returned home this evening the urge resurfaced and I just did it. Now I've gotten rid of everything again and if I get to work immediately tomorrow, it'll be okay.

I've been to one club and I've negotiated pretty nice agreement. I'll try another one tomorrow and then we're gonna be able to pick one. It's a lot easier for me to go there in person and wait for the manager that call them. I'll do the same thing tomorrow, maybe I'll even have company.

I gotta go to sleep, I'm gonna wake up a bit earlier than 6am because I currently lack sleep, today I crashed in the middle of the day and slept for four hours. If I want to get up at 6, I'm gonna have to start going to bed at 9pm or 10pm, and cut out evening computer usage.

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Okay, I broke abstinence from junk food after 52 days or so. Today I felt really bad. I've been relapsing with porn for a couple of days. Once day I relapsed hard, then the next day only in the morning, then one day clean and then two days of porn. I just feel like sleeping and sitting on the internet all the time, and skipping my classes. I don't feel like writing anything else.

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Okay. Today I woke up in a terrible mood and all I wanted to do was skip my classes and sleep. But when a thing that I just HAD TO do appeared, I quickly got excited and the rest of the day was amazing. I already have quite a lot planned for the next day.

On Saturday I was allowed to run for the first time in a while. My knee doesn't hurt anymore, but I felt tightness where there would normally be pain. And so I'm going to take another break for two weeks, and stretch a lot more than I'm used to.

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You're doing great buddy!

I had the same problem with my knees before.

Resting and stretching is the best you can do indeed. My knees feel alot better now and I'm back in the gym! :)

Keep it up <3

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