Super Saiyan Journal

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I finished studying at 5am and went to sleep for three hours, after which I couldn't fall asleep. I already know I passed yesterday's exam (B) and I'm sure I passed today's as well. Now I have the next one on Thursday and I feel like taking a break. Even though that exam is gonna be very difficult. I guess I'll go to sleep earlier today and start tomorrow.

I wanna add at least one hour of readin a day to my routine. That way with my very slow reading pace I should be able to read 50 books a year. Even 20 would be awesome. And if I practice reading faster all that time, it should be a lot higher prediction in a couple of months. Now I feel sleepy, but I think I'll work out. I have to stay out of bed until 10pm after all.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Okay, I went to bed at 10pm and slept 95% of the time. Or possibly even more. Like 99%. Which is awesome. When I first woke up at 1am, I thought my brain took it as a nap and now I won't be able to fall asleep again, but I was wrong. And I had a great night. Then my first thought of the morning was to go back to bed, but I somehow resisted. Now it's 8:30 and I'm already done with my morning routine. Now I guess I should sit down for two hours and study. I'm gonna do that.

2pm - Studying is going pretty well. I lost some time on internet, but I also meditated for 30 minutes. It went pretty quick but I didn't wanna continue because I was sleepy. Right now it's been three days without gaming and porn, and I'm getting urges for random games at random times. Like sometimes I will read something totally unrelated to gaming and I'll get nostalgia because of it.

Edited February 8, 2017 by SuperSaiyanGod

[Mad Pharmacist]

Hell yea! Studying rocks!

Btw. is it really a nap which lasts 3 HOURS? I mean, during this time you'll have at least 2 phases of deep sleep, so it's like a normal sleeping. I mean, a bit too short, but still

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

[SuperSaiyanGod]

@hycniejsy I usually nap for 4 hours. Unintentionally. And after that I'm unable to sleep for several hours. Also I don't think I ever get to deep sleep as I wake up a couple of times during that time.

Here's a think I wrote just now. It's been about five days of gaming and porn before today.

Reasons to leave my current life behind:

1. I want to be free.
2. I want to have control over my life.
3. I want to be able to confront problems.
4. I want to have willpower.
5. I don't want to have a compulsion that keeps ruining any attempt to create a good habit.
6. I don't want to feel this negative emotion I always have when I watch porn.
7. I want to have energy, I don't want to waste this energy on porn of internet, or the computer in general.
8. I fucking hate this compulsion.
9. I don't want to be in the same fucking place in a year or in five years or in thirty years. If I don't change NOW, that's what it's going to be. The proof for that is that I'm in the same place as 8 years ago.
10. I want to start moving forward with my life instead of thinking it will move forward on its own sometime soon. There have been so many times when I decided that it's going to move forward from now on and then a year later I can't think of a time that was any different from what is my circumstance currently.
11. I don't want to waste my life on this shit. By the end of the year I want to be able to look at this moment and be unable to understand how in the world did my life look like that.
12. I want to break out of this habit to start building my life and my personality, so that I can feel good in dating and other areas of social life, instead of feeling like a child unable to do anything other than watch porn and waste time on the computer and who cannot think of any interest or hobby he could have a conversation about.
13. I want to be full of energy.
14. I don't want to keep creating negative emotion in my life by reading crap on the internet, by compulsively trying to find another video game to play or by ruining my effort and reinforcing myself in the idea that I am bound to relapse.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

This is my last post until at least next Tuesday. I want to get off the internet and the computer in general for the next week because it takes too much of my time and energy. I already know I passed all my exams except one, which I'll know about tomorrow - and that will be the last time I use the computer until the start of my next term.

Every day I will write something on paper so that I remember how it went. I'm going to spend time meditating, reading and exercising. If I stay clean, it will be 9 days.

Tomorrow I'm going to a doctor and my life is going to get so much better after that. Right now if you combine the stress from the exams and the frequent pain in the eye, I've been pretty miserable and just wanted to stay in bed all the time. Let's see how it goes.

[fil]

This is my last post until at least next Tuesday. I want to get off the internet and the computer in general for the next week because it takes too much of my time and energy. I already know I passed all my exams except one, which I'll know about tomorrow - and that will be the last time I use the computer until the start of my next term.

Every day I will write something on paper so that I remember how it went. I'm going to spend time meditating, reading and exercising. If I stay clean, it will be 9 days.

Tomorrow I'm going to a doctor and my life is going to get so much better after that. Right now if you combine the stress from the exams and the frequent pain in the eye, I've been pretty miserable and just wanted to stay in bed all the time. Let's see how it goes.

Can't wait till next Tuesday. Hope thing will go well for you

[SuperSaiyanGod]

It's not going very well. Actuall I was only clean on Wednesday, but only until about 9pm, and since then I haven't been. Today I was clean with porn but not clean with gaming. After Wednesday I just gave up.

Yesterday I meditated with some guided 7 day program, but today I didn't.

I also almost ran out of money because I was eating too much junk food. So now I'll have a good diet until the end of the month, because I have no other option. I would have done that today anyway, but in the evening I had cravings nevertheless.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I meditated after all, did something called forgiveness meditation. Seemed like a load of bullshit.

I got up at noon and decided to go to the library immediately. The first thought I had after that is what should I game today.

[Mad Pharmacist]

I meditated after all, did something called forgiveness meditation. Seemed like a load of bullshit.

Sure, forgiving ourselves about what  we've done is the total bullshit.

Same with meditation. The choice is yours, however.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I was supposed to start my classes today again, and I was happy that I would have more obligations. But no, now I'm sick, I have to stay home and I might even lose an eye. Perfect. I'm gonna meditate though. And now I'll go fight my medicine.

Edited February 22, 2017 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

The one thing I've been doing right these past few days:

Not sure if guided is the best, but I don't care for now. I just decided I'll start doing the first free program on this website. Seeing this streak makes me wanna continue it - I'm mostly motivated by the thought of how it would suck if I were to break it.

I'm also meditating late at night, but again I don't care about that right now.

[Dolocorp]

I know how you feel - I'm also addicted to porn and gaming but one thing that works for me is to only focus on my gaming addiction because then I forgot about my porn addiction. And cold showers - that's effective whenever you're having an urge to watch porn.

Edited February 24, 2017 by Dolocorp

[Simms]

The one thing I've been doing right these past few days:

Not sure if guided is the best, but I don't care for now. I just decided I'll start doing the first free program on this website. Seeing this streak makes me wanna continue it - I'm mostly motivated by the thought of how it would suck if I were to break it.

I'm also meditating late at night, but again I don't care about that right now.

Nice looking streak, what's the program you're using?

[SuperSaiyanGod]

calm.com

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Deleting all my games now.

I just though this moment at 1:44am on a Tuesday is a perfect moment to change my life. It could be a moment on which I could look back and think "see, there's that exact moment starting which I never again played a game and became proud of my life and of how I spend my free time, and I've haven't had absolutely any regrets ever since".

Everything except gaming is boring, but gaming gives me a feeling of qualm. I'm mostly thinking about where I could be in a month or two and how I could be looking at this moment. There are two options:

1. I'll be in the exact same place in life as where I am now, or at a slightly worse place - and I'll regret every moment between now and then.
2. I'll be proud that I did the best I could and my life will have gotten slightly better.

This is my 1000th attempt and 1000th promise, so I'm not going to promise anything. I'll just write three things to keep an eye on for tomorrow:

1. No gaming
2. No internet browsing, unless with intent
3. Meditate for at least 10 minutes but don't overdo it.

Tomorrow I will write a post using a "1-2-3 method" I learned about a couple of days ago.

Edited February 28, 2017 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Getting back to playing the game is literally the only thing I want to do.

[fil]

Getting back to playing the game is literally the only thing I want to do.

same here.

I'll go to AA meeting instead. I am not addicted myself but listening to addicted makes me calm and lower urge of fulfilling my craving. Sound stupid but try it out if you have no other plans for evening  

[SuperSaiyanGod]

AA are all over the place, there should be a group going on at any given time. I'm in a group for sex/porn addicts but I don't go regularily. It's only once a week and I have classes then. Another group is a couple of times a week but I don't like it. I generally don't like this kind of thing because it makes me depressed.

I gamed today.

Damn it! I missed a day of meditation because the site was down! I mean, I meditated right now, and the streak is now 9 days, but the site doesn't know that I count days differently. So now it says one day. Anyway, in a couple of months it won't be making a difference.

[bassitone]

It happens - I had my own bad slip up last week.  It's how we bounce back that defines how we're progressing!

 

The idea of going to a RL support group has spoken to me before - we've got a good series of them on campus but I haven't quite made it.  Sure, we know our struggles with gaming and more, but I've always sort of held back since it might not be welcome at something like AA or so.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I've got enough of starting over and making plans.

But this is what I just wrote on a small piece of paper at 1:30 in the night:

 

THE GREAT PLAN for March 5th

(morning)

• Meditate
• Make bedium
• Take medicine
• Trim beart and back of hair
• Take shower
• Make breakfast
• Wash dishes

(the rest)

• Wash all clothes
• Buy lightbulb
• Go to pharmacy
• Check out what to prepare for
• Read Star Wars
• Reorganize living space
• Check phone
• Throw out all garbage

I want connection, social life, satisfying relationships, to do cool things with cool people, to be in the sun, to be passionate to the point of forgetting about the world.

 

I want all this to keep me occupied tomorrow, and the bottom thing to keep me motivated. I'm not deleting any games because there's no point.

Edited March 5, 2017 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I didn't do almost any of it. I spent the entire day playing a game, which I just deleted. I felt like people from my family were bothering me. Tomorrow I have to meet on of them and I really don't want to. I hate myself. I want to live and I'm going to, but it doesn't mean I can't hate it.

Edited March 5, 2017 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I'm at college three hours early, I dont have anything to do at home anyway. I'll just read something here and be bored for a while.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

The day was pretty good. I had social interactions with about 6 people, I've decided to not care about my looks and felt more confident about them, I read a little, payed attention in class, trimmed my beard and hair, and now I'm gonna meditate. I didn't even have time to game, but I had one urge when I got back from classes. I ate pretty well, though it was mostly pizza and pizza-like stuff. And potato chips with candy for dinner, but those were leftovers. Now I'm gonna meditate for 15 minutes.

I don't know why I feel good, but I do, and it's all quite easy now. I wish I felt more neutral.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I usually can't go even one day clean. I feel like this is completely outsided my control.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I'm empty. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want.

I have two group projects due one Friday that I havan't started yet.

I feel like my life doesn't matter without other people's stories. I need to be immersed in some story like a book, a movie saga, a vlog, and when it ends, I feel empty. The one that would never end could be my life. But I have no idea how to make it an interesting story. Nobody wants to read a story about a guy with no friends.

I'm always putting stuff off for later. And then my room is a mess, I don't have clean clothes for the next day, I'm dangerously overdue with work on school projects, other projects I simply give up. I did that yesterday after a long time of being inactive. And I feel like leaving the entire club altogether.

I wanna go bowling. I wanna go to dance lessons. I wanna be able to run again. I feel like my life would be so much better right now if only I could run. If I could work on a marathon, or just take a quick jog every other morning. The next run would be something I could look forward to. Right now I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to.

Edited March 15, 2017 by SuperSaiyanGod