Super Saiyan Journal

[SuperSaiyanGod]

7/10 day. I think. It's hard to measure this when so many exciting things happen at the end of the day. Today I woke up quite early, worked a little and then went to sleep again. That sucks, it was only supposed to be a short nap. But afterwards I went to a theater piece my friends were making (and they were much better actors than I am), the same one I talked to Cam a year ago when we had a coaching session. Then I went to a lecture and then decided to skip one in order to work a little more, but I was convinced to go to another one, on how to become a psychologist that works in courts and the like. It was amazing, even though it wasn't a very interesting topic. Right now there's a discussion going on in our group about forming a new student theater, which would be extremely exciting. I immediately had a ton of ideas for that.

Today I didn't even have time to game or watch porn. But I had urges for the latter, espacially after the theater piece which had some sexual stuff. Oh well. Right now I'm working, trying to prepare for a workshop I'll be co-hosting, which starts in 7,5 hours. Damn it. I'm majorly stressed out. I also have a lot to do tomorrow - pack up go to my parents' house, study a bit for a class, and some miscellaneous stuff. So I'll have to get up at 6am. and be incredibly well-organised at the beginning. I'm probably gonna get 4 hours of sleep. Oh, well.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

7/10 day. There were some crappy moments when I had to wait for a train, but that wasn't a problem at all. You know, it's really hard to mark a day on a 1-10 scale. Today I haven't had a minute for porn or gaming. I had a nice workshop and a great lecture, then I slept and tried to study a little, then a class, and then I went straight for a train home. I talked to my brother a little, and the only topics we have to talk about are games and exercise. Meh, that's not a problem, since right now I only care about porn.

I'm gonna have another short project for a class with a girl I've had good experiences working with. I mean, I was helping her, but she was quite commited and dedicated to the work, unlike my friend with whom I had a different, larger project. So this one is gonna go a lot more pleasantly. That is all.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

How to make sure you won't fall asleep even though you really want to, but also how to beat every urge in you body? Start planning every meeting of your theater group in the first two months following its possible formation. Damn, I hope everyone else is as excited about this as I am.

Edited December 21, 2016 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

5/10 day, relapse. I spent most of the day cleaning my room, which was pleasant. Then I gamed a little, and I was having quite strong urges for porn. I've decided to masturbate without porn just to let it out of my system, because everything is better than porn. It work a little, but then I think I just decided to relapse. And I relapsed. Then I had a kind of a binge with gaming. Now I'm tired, it's late and I'm kinda disappointed with myself for screwing up. Not only screwing up abstinence, but also screwing up my sleeping cycle again, which could get a little better after the last few days.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Morning update. I woke up at 2pm. This sucks. Basically I can only get up early when I have something really important to do, like prepare something very important for college or go to classes. Anyway, this has been the latest I woke up in a long time. Now I'm gonna have a hard time falling asleep if I wanna correct that.

I know I shouldn't use words like "can't", but that's just what it is. I don't know how to phrase that better.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Okay, I forgot to write yesterday. Thursday and today were 6/10. I didn't abstain from porn third day in a row, I haven't even been marking days on my spreadsheet. But the days are pleasant, I don't feel bad about gaming. Although when I watch Cam's videos I feel like maybe I should stop. That maybe I should stop everything and try to create a completely clean life right now. I don't know what to do. On one side I just want to stop porn, but I'm not even working towards that. Gaming is a good way to occupy my time but on the other hand it's a kind of a trigger for porn. On the other hand... Wait, I'll do it like this:

Down to earth reason pro- and against gaming

1. Pro gaming - it's a good way to occupy my time if I just want to not watch porn.
2. Against gaming - it's kind of a trigger for porn, because of the pattern I've been in for years.
3. Against gaming - it takes so much time, that it completely destroys my sleeping patterns and I also forget to take medicine about half the time.
4. Against gaming - it pulls me towards itself in a way that I forsake exercise, sometimes hygiene, and sometimes even social interactions - I just wanna game as much as possible.
5. Pro gaming - sunk cost fallacy, I already payed for subsctription with real money and by brother gave me a lot of gold in-game.
6. Pro gaming - it's just pleasant, it makes me feel good when I actually find a game that interests me.
7. Against gaming - it kinda gets unpleasant over time as I game a lot - I start to worry about college stuff that's a little down the road, and also I know I could be doing great stuff for my education instead every time I game

And a bit less down to earth:

1. Against quitting - can I really do it everything at once?

I need to quit. I'm gonna try again one last time. Also, when I watch the "How to quit gaming in 60 seconds", it all seems so easy. It's not even about planning, it's about actions - do the right thing, the thing that suits you personally, and it's bound to work. I'm gonna watch it again.

Edited December 24, 2016 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Morning update. I woke up at 2pm again. It's christmas. I was wondering what to do, and I've decided that I'm just gonna go one day without gaming. In that day, I'm gonna plan my studying - namely chose the most pressing matter - and start immediately. However, right now I only feel like gaming. I'm gonna watch the 60 seconds video again and write it down.

Huh, not only did I watch it, but I transcribed it with english subtitles. That was fun.

Edited December 24, 2016 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I wanna ge serious. I'm currently in the process of removing every singe game from my pc. I'm not sure how to phrase this: I've decided to / I want to / I realised that I have to / I'm starting to realise that I have to - get serious about my life. I'm mostly thinking about this through the context of sex and relationships. Today I had a dream in which I had sex with a girl with whom I'd really like to be in that situation for real. For now it's just a fantasy. And the whole day I've been thinking about how to actually make that happen. I'm pretty sure this has to do with social skills only. But since I have absolutely no idea how to fix those, I'll start with everything else. I was just watching porn, but I stopped on my own even though I got to the excited phase - I just couldn't stop thinking about my life.

I'm pretty sure you were wrong. You can't just get rid of such a behavior without changing anything about your life. It's not that you can cut out the bad thing and then everything else will get aligned. You have to start from the bottom, and only when you change your life, will the harmful behavior be defeated. And that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm not saying that sex and relationships are my only goal, and that I wanna do all this just for those two things. But I'm not gonna lie that these two are not important for me. Still, it's as good a reason to start as any.

By getting serious with my life I mean... That I don't want to live in fantasy anymore. I don't want to fantasize about things. I don't want to pretend I'm a hero who is saving the world over and over again. I don't want relationships and sex to only exist in my fantasy. I don't want to fantasize that maybe one day something will change on its own and if that's the case then I can stay in this hole for as long as I want to. I want to live in reality. I don't want to live in fear that I won't pass the exams, and get terrible grades, and let down my friends by screwing up the projects - I wanna get to work and put that fear to rest. For now I think that's what being a person and a man means.

About the sunk cost fallacy - since my brother gave me in-game money, I'm gonna lie to him that I just have to stop playing the game until after my exams. Which would be true anyway, but I would actually never be able to moderate like that.

That's it.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

5/10 day - first day of no games. Okay. Today I got up at 3pm. and I've been all day. Yesterday, after I removed everything and wrote the post, I've been thinking a lot about a blog I'm planning to write. For a couple of days now I've been thinking about interesting things I would like to learn, just for myself. Things that I feel I should know/understand in order to be a better human being. So I've been writing a list of topics. These are things about the world on which I want to have objective knowledge, instead of only the things that are circulating in my personal information bubble. I have several of those already and so think I might be able to write a blog about these.

I tried to exercise a little bit just now, but I didn't have much energy. Maybe I shouldn't do that in the middle of the night.

So far I'm clean, but now that I don't have a lot to do, I feel like going back to gaming. But instead I'm gonna go to bed and read something. I don't really feel like writing a lot today. Perhaps I don't feel really good or energetic simply because I have no games.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Morning update, 1 day clean. Huh. I went to sleep at about 11pm. and woke up before 3am. I thought that would be enough but then I went to sleep again at 6 and woke up at 10. That's pretty good. I also had a lot of porn urges the second time, but eventually I meditated through them. I don't really feel like doing anything except laying in bed and reading Star Wars, sleeping, and watching anime and eating. I wanted to continue doing the second, but I've decided to go somewhere with my dad - and now I'm waiting for him. Later today I should start reading for a project at college. And then reading for another project. And then studying in general. And then preparing for an exam.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

4/10 day. I relapsed with porn four times, about seven hours in total. I didn't relapse with games. Is that good? No idea.

What I would give for a normal sleeping pattern. I'm pretty sure that's one of my major triggers - that my sleeping pattern constantly changes. I wonder

[dandielionous]

I would suggest focus on quitting gaming.

 

[Mad Pharmacist]

Hey!

I think that you need a bit of more support on your journey, so here I am!

Porn IS NOT good! Remember that, and I'll show you 3 major aspects of that:

1. It doesn't show you the real act of sex between man and woman. It shows you only a fantasy made by a director who probably is a pervert one. Partners are not looking to each other, but to camera instead, they touch each other only with their genitals and also they're photoshopped to make you feel wrong about yourself
2. It force women who are in these movies to take hard drugs to survive so many scenes in so many movies with so many partners. some of them have a husband. Would you like to have a porn actress as your wife? I don't think so. They're also taking contraceptives, which after long period of time can cause infertility. And also take a lot of surgeries like breast augmentation (so these breasts on porn are FAKE, and you can spot it when woman has a scars on the bottom of the breasts)
3. You're making yourself less sensitive for the REAL appearance of attractive woman. It's harder for you to feel sexual attraction towards real woman.

You have to quit right now!

Same with games! I believe you've already deleted all games (delete also your accounts, whether it's steam or battle.net or whatsoever) and also get rid of porn availibity!

Tell me when you'll finish doing this!

 

Ah, and about writing blog: if it'll be on Polish, you can give me and @Piotr link, so we'll read this! See? You've got 2 readers only by sharing an idea here.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Thanks for telling me that I have to quit, what I hear instead is "you're stupid for not being able to quit - it's been 7 years and you still haven't quit? what a loser". I mean, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the support. This is just nothing new to me. As for the 3 aspects - I understand those things, but from what I understand, the reason to quit has to be an internal one, not external. As far as I'm concerned, anyone can do whatever they want in that industry. Thinking about what happens there is not relevant to me, and thinking about whether it is real doesn't help me with my recovery one bit. I've already been through that phase, where I would go mad because I didn't know what is real in those scenes and what is not. Right now I don't think about the industry at all and it's the best course of action I can take in that matter. Also, I don't see a problem with fake boobs. Oh, and I don't have any real relations with real women (wow, it actually doesn't bother me much), and I feel almost as much attraction as when I was 15, so I don't know if that argument is relevant to me. But it makes me wonder if quitting would help with that. I'm pretty sure it's only about social skills though.

The blog is gonna be in english. I don't really care about any readers right now, but thanks anyway.

I would suggest focus on quitting gaming.

 

Actually quitting gaming seems easy compared to porn. As long as I keep trying anything to improve my life, quitting gaming should just follow naturally. I just have to keep myself from gaming right after porn, because that's a huge trigger for me. One of the "I already screwed up the most important thing, so right now I could just get junk food and game as much as possible" kind. Porn is just a huge gaming/junk food trigger for me.

Morning update. Today I got up at 3pm. Fuck this. I have no idea how to change that. Hopefully it'll get better once I get back to the city.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I'll probably be alone on new year's eve. And that's because I have virtually no social life.

I've started reading a porn recovery workshop I used to do a couple of months ago. I stopped because I didn't feel that it makes sense if I can't even abstain for more than a couple of days. This time I've decided to just read the parts that might be useful to me, and ignore the rest.

[Piotr]

Hey @SuperSaiyanGod you wrote that you can't abstain for more than couple of days. This shouldn't bother you, because this is how things start. My first no porn and no fap detox lasted 3 hours. Do you realize how pathetic this sounds? I relapsed after 3 hours... But I didn't gave up. My next detox lasted day, than one and a half day, four days, than suddenly I managed to withstand two weeks, then had some relapses every few days. All of this, lead to this that I don't need this anymore. Especially since I have a girlfriend, when I realized how real life close-ups differ completely from this what you see on porn. I advise you to work on quitting this ASAP, because the earlier you start, the earlier you will be successful!

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I know, that's what I'm trying to do right now by understanding the addiction. My first streak years ago was 3 days, then about a hundred streaks that lasted less than a day, then 4 days, then about a thousand...And recently it's been 11 days clean, then fifty that lasted less than a day, then I "tried again" and lasted one day, then a couple more fails, then I "tried again" and lasted one day, and a couple of days later I'm one day clean. What does this say about my pattern? I'm trying to find out.

Edited December 30, 2016 by SuperSaiyanGod

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Okay, I just locked my gaming account for good. I did that by changing email and password, then getting rid of that email. It was pretty hard emotionally, but I just did it. I also removed every account I had on porn sites and everywhere else I would go looking for porn. Then I deleted the two email accounts that I used for such things. Then I remembered that I also made an instagram account about a week ago, but since I couldn't remember how to log in, I've decided to let that go. I also have another email account tied to it somewhere, but I don't remember that either. Finally, I searched my computer for anything game- and porn-related and deleted all of it. This includes a certain tv series. But I don't think I'll be able to comfortably show my computer to anyone for quite a while.

On the other hand, I already did it so many times...

[dandielionous]

Try reading some journals here? 

 

[SuperSaiyanGod]

New year's eve alone, meh. Okay, I'll be alone in the end, but I don't really care that much anymore. I'm two or three days clean with porn, a some more days with gaming. I don't really care how many days it's been, I only care about the current day.

Broken computer. My computer broke beyond repair. By parents said they can pay for a new one. So I'm gonna get one that is as bad for gaming as possible. It has to be windows though. I mean, I'll always be able to play some game, but I wonder if I could make it unable to play anything I used to play before. On the other hand, by old computer had the gaming video card fried already and I still played a lot of games, so that doesn't really matter. Anyway, right now I have my mom's old computer, which is terrible even for writing. And incredibly terrible for listening to music. So I'll probably spend the day with a book. And my new weights, which I got for free from a friend. Now I only have to buy some adjustments to them if I need some more. Right now I have six 1.25kg plates, so that ain't much. But should be enough for the beginning, they just won't be perfectly balanced. Not even sure if that's important. Anyway, I'll stretch and do some exercises in the evening. Then I'm gonna read a book until I fall asleep, and hopefully I'll be able to sleep undisturbed until morning.

Resolutions for 2017. I'm not gonna do any new year's resolutions. Right now I'm already going clean so yay me. I'll just keep doing things the way I've been doing them. I think there's a growth tendency in my life anyway.

I'm out for, probably, a few days.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

It's 23:48. Fireworks have been going on for like 5 hours. I went to bed at 7pm after a nice workout with my new dumbbells, and I wanted to read for as long as possible, but I fell asleep. I woke up at 9pm to take medicine and I couldn't fall asleep ever since. I'm having a very strong porn urge and it's getting stronger because I've been feeding it. I really wanna watch porn right now. But since I read about different patterns in porn addiction, I realise what I have been doing wrong. One of the patterns of my group (the one struggling with frequent relapse) is "Relapse triggers are seen as opportunities to act out." This is extremally accurate in my case. That's why I got up and decided to write here a little and also read a little from my recovery workshop.

It's almost midnight. People in the next building are leaving to see the fireworks. I only looked once and saw them at one place. So, I don't care much, I don't feel that bad about being alone. There's only this little image in the back of my head that almost everyone I know is at some party. But I try to ignore that.

I'm gonna screw this and not go to sleep. Maybe I'll go to sleep at 2am or so. I wrote a bit on pornfree subreddit and it made me feel a little better.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

I can't go to sleep because my urge is going to be so strong. I can't even get up and take a shower because I'm afraid I'll relapse, I have to keep my thoughts occupied. I'm gonna start working on the recovery program again. I'm gonna write a vision for my life and then a list of primary values upon which I want to build my life. But first, I have to read a little from the program. I'm also gonna post the vision and values here.

[dandielionous]

I just watched a movie called Lucy.  It was very good

 

[SuperSaiyanGod]

How in the world does that relate to me?

I was able to fall asleep after 7am, but only because I masturbated without porn to get rid of the urge. I was sure that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep for many more hours, and concentrating on anything would be impossible in that state. This is better than porn. I woke up at 3pm, as always, fuck this, and now I'm starting to have another urge for porn.

I'm gonna get to work without breakfast and only when I'm done, I'll either eat or work on the recovery workshop.

I fucking hate my recovery. I hate the fact that I have to stay away from porn. The only thing I want to do right now is watch porn and disregard everything else. And I can't I do that.

[SuperSaiyanGod]

It's 7:30 pm. Today I did some lying in bed and trying to resist the urge. Thn I did some exercise with dumbbells, but only a little because my muscels were still tired from yesterday. That is good. Then I finally took care or that thing I have due on Tuesday. Now I don't feel like doing anything, so I guess I'll start studying for an exam. That actually excites me a little bit, and most of all it makes me feel calmer because I'm finally actually doing something I really have to do.