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Laney

Laney's Journal

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One of the biggest things I've replaced gaming with is socializing.

I am now a regular at a cafe where people know me. It's part of why you see less of me on here, because I'm not as needing of being plugged into something. It's largely when I'm home and bored that I feel like I need to plug in to something.

As for procrastinating, I still do it, but it's become a lot less of a problem because I manage my time more realistically.

For school work, what seems to work for me is going to a cafe or the library. Those two will help you a lot - taking yourself out of your house and going to an environment where you are surrounded by other people doing their work sort of creates this social pressure to be doing something productive, taking the back of the mind social pressure of doing well in school to the front of your mind.

Also, really consider the fact that you really have to grind through things to get a lot done with school. I never really realized what that meant until recently. Grinding through means spending those long hours at the library. My friend and roommate basically lived at the library in his undergrad. He recently got accepted to med school.

Edited by Alkan

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I doubt time will remove these dreams and fears of accidental relapse.

Oh, but it will! Trust me on this, first-hand experience! You dug some pretty deep neural pathways. It's only natural that some of the impulses that your brain fires during sleep follow the path of least resistance.

Remember: be kind to yourself. Your body and your mind are your allies. Love them, trust them, guide them with compassion.

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Thank you @Alkan and @Tom

My journal entry for today.

Day 1, 17 hours. Broke on day 82, yesterday. Don't know how I feel about it.  Don't know if I want to keep this up. But I wrote this while alone in the mountains today.

Save Game? (Y)es (N)o

Get more sun!

Go outside more!

Go to bed earlier!

Real life is great, just get out there!

 

Of course, the world is great, blah blah,

Well I've been rejecting that greatness for years.

When I do go outside I struggle awkwardly,

My efforts left unappreciated.

 

I reject and I ignore life, waiting,

As if someone or something will come and save me.

   Not that my pride would ever let me be saved

Here I sit,

A princess in a castle of her own making.

 

When I allow myself to experience this greatness,

Its power and beauty encompass me so entirely I am bound motionless.

   Or weeping

Suffocating, despite my gain of fictitious magic, through the loss of the real thing.

Synthetic joy is not sustainable.

 

I'm left wondering,

If there is hope in my life for greatness,

    I've felt it, I know its possibilities

Why do I sit here and lose myself?

I'm pathetic.

 

# run google

Welcome to Google! What do you want to Search?

# how to play INSERTGAMENAME less?

Running Google Search V3.1... please wait.

List of Search Results:

"Are you addicted to video games?"

"Support groups for quitting video games - Visit GameQuitters!"

"Success stories of living game free"

 

Wow.

I'm not alone.

Nor am I pathetic.

Can I actually do this?

 

# quit

Save Game? (Y)es (N)o

# n

# uninstall INSERTGAMENAME

Uninstall? (Y)es (N)o

# y

 

Edited by Laney

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I had forgotten what a surreal day that was for me, the 7th of March..the day of my journal entry (above).

This was a day of mourning, of disbelief, of processing. It was also destructive and beautiful.

I had driven to pick up an item and locked myself out of my car for the first time in over a year. I had planned on visiting this cake shop for my family after, so after being unlocked I went. As I was about to park someone slammed on their accelerator and drove into the shop I was going to visit. 

X2mYzYe.jpg

The odd feeling was that I could have been in that store had I not locked myself out of my car. Weird.

My somber self then decided I wasn't ready to face what had happened the day before, at least not at home. (Relapse) I noticed it was raining in the distance, With storm clouds as my guide I drove with no goal in mind except to meet it. I drove towards it. I drove into it. I followed it into the mountains where it fell, now lightly, onto my skin. And I spent a few hours writing. There was a deep yearning inside me for those moments in the mountain to never go away. 

iP0JLSW.jpg

6E151M2.jpg5i0ngO4.jpg

Eventually the sun faded from the mountains. My stomach ached for sustenance. I recalled the long drive home. Reality began to come back and sobered me from my writing phase.

3aelLSd.jpg

By the time I got home it was dark. I posted my poem. I went to bed.

 

** Sorry for the odd post. Revisiting old thoughts and feelings. My journal tends to be styled more Vonnegut anyway. No, I enjoy this entry. Done apologizing. Take it or leave it.

.

Edited by Laney

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Hi Laney, welcome back! I hope you stay with us long enough to make it through the detox again if that's your intention; but regardless of whether you succeed or not, there's no shame in sticking around to receive and give support. I've stuck around after my multiple relapses, and came through successfully; I still stick around to develop myself further and help others quitting gaming.

I'm glad you're back, and I hope to hear how you're doing soon!

  • Like 1

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Just a personal update, need to write journaling stuff later

Gym membership achieved! +1

Dating someone who is active and inspires me +1

Eating in more often +1

Scheduled psychologist appointment for the first time in two years!! +1

Being assertive with my health (doctor appointments, wisdom teeth removal, etc) +1

Using a refillable water bottle instead of wasting plastic +1

Shadowrun is way more productive AND happening more often +1

Signing up for classes +1

Car is always clean +1

Room is clean half of the time 0

Not writing any responses for Peg -1

Being unenthused with work and letting that affect my performance -1

Spending too much money on people, dating and outdoor gear -1

Not following up with your friend in jail -1

Overall: +5  Try to remember those negatives don't make you a failure, Laney. You are making healthy decisions and progress and doing well all around.

@Ashley K. ^ what I referenced in your journal

 

Goals for this week:

Be more supportive of roommate and her art job, she's struggling, spend time with her--wooden pallet? food?

Gym 3-5 days a week - get that heart healthy and body stronger and GAIN WEIGHT jfc you're 108 girl

Write in journal a few times a week about J, you know you're forgetful. Many important things are going to slip away.

 

Things to ponder on:

Why are you less anxious? Gluten-free or probiotics.... or both? Perhaps in the near future I can re-introduce gluten on a small level to find out.

 

Edited by Laney

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Hi Laney, welcome back! I hope you stay with us long enough to make it through the detox again if that's your intention; but regardless of whether you succeed or not, there's no shame in sticking around to receive and give support. I've stuck around after my multiple relapses, and came through successfully; I still stick around to develop myself further and help others quitting gaming.

I'm glad you're back, and I hope to hear how you're doing soon!

Thanks Alex, and everyone else commenting/liking support :)

I'm not sure what my relationship with video games is right now. I know for a fact it doesn't include MMO's, and that I don't feel my addiction anymore. Games are no longer a need. Which is fantastic! Feels so good to say! And it's also why I feel safe coming here. GQ is biggest reason I am where I am right now, and I want to continue improving myself and supporting others.

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Those are some outstanding photos. Especially the 3rd one.

oh my gosh yes, the RAINBOW was fantastic!!!! I was following it for what seemed forever. Gorgeous.

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Picture post!

1. Proof my journal is turning into a Kurt Vonnegut novel

2016-08-31 10.19.18.jpg

2.The best picture I took at EDC 2016

2016-08-03 11.56.29.jpg

3/4/5. The gift I sent out to a random girl I didn't know (secret santa via reddit)

2016-08-31 10.30.54.jpg

2016-08-31 10.30.15.jpg

2016-08-31 10.27.11.jpg

6&7 Favorites of grafitti in San Francisco

2016-08-31 10.25.49.jpg

2016-08-31 10.24.35.jpg

8. Always keep yourself open to possibilities. This performance was a few steps away, and we found it because we cared to listen. Side of the LA river.

2016-08-31 10.22.45.jpg

Edited by Laney
captions
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Hi Laney, awesome to hear from you again!

It sounds like you're on track to making major progress in those areas you've listed, and making a big difference in the lives of some lucky people :)

I liked that octopus story, it was quite creative.

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Man. It's a tough to stay positive when multiple all back out of your plan last minute. BUT my awesome buddy Ian is going still, and I'll love him forever for that. He is always reliable (not in being on time but he always does what he says he will) Time to dance the night away and hang with fantastic people in DTLA.

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