Ashley K.'s Activity
Ashley K. added a topic in Daily JournalsAshley's Journal for the Nth timeToday was supposed to be my second day of detoxing. I had urges when I woke up this morning and recognized why I had them. But in the end I ended up relapsing and playing LoL. It didn't really feel great. It felt like a relief but only temporary.
Yesterday I had stronger urges to play because I was getting frustrated about where my life was right now. So I told myself that I needed to change a lot of things if I wanted my life to be better. But I seem to fall right back into the same rut, the comfort zone. Scared of going outside of it because I don't want to judge myself so harshly to the point where I call it quits. Another reason is that my husband plays as most of you already know, so watching him play doesn't help. Almost day in and day out it's LoL videos, streams, listening to streams while he plays. Some of you may say to go to another part of the house. I live with my mother and her house isn't what you call "clean". It's just really...I wouldn't say dirty, but with 4 cats and a dog. It gets that way. I've tried cleaning over and over and it just gets dirty after a day. So that's another reason why I stay in my room. I'm in this situation that I put myself in that I need to fight to get out of.
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Ashley K. added a topic in Start Here + IntroductionsRe-IntroductionI figured since I'm constantly coming back and leaving. I might as well introduce myself...again.
Hey everyone, I'm Ashley. I'm a gaming addict, mother of two boys, and a stay at home mom.
I've been a gamer since I was 5 and I'm now 28 years old. My husband is also a gamer but has no intention of quitting since he plays in moderation. I'm scared of not playing because I get bored easily. So finding something that's just as stimulating is hard. I'll try and post as much as possible. I have a really bad habit of just quitting things before finishing.
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Ashley K. added a topic in Accountability Partners28/Female/Stay at Home Mom of TwoLooking for an accountability partner who can keep me on track with achieving my goals and vice versa. Looking to become a graphic designer, photographer, maybe a concept artist. So many things I want to do
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Ashley K. added a topic in RelapseLong time no postsMy last post I saw was back in December. Relapsing is sneaky. It hits you when you least expect it and when it does you either fight it or give in.
I gave in. Bought games since then up until today. Had a discussion with my mother a couple of days ago during my gaming binge and told her that my addiction came back.
She told me I need to quit because one day Ill wake up and realize my life has completely passed me by and I'll end up neglecting my children completely.
So here I am, typing while my new baby boy stares at me cooing and smiling at me. This is going to be tough even though I've gone through this before many times. It just feels like
each time I quit it gets harder, not easier.
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Ashley K. added a topic in RelapseThis relapse is the last straw2016 hasn’t really been great except for when I had my son back in November, I was ecstatic.
But ever since I relapsed, night after night since then I tried playing. I kept trying even when have been sleep deprived for awhile now. Whenever he sleeps, I play when I should be getting my rest. I kept saying to myself that I can limit the amount of time I can play but I know I can’t.
A week ago when it was around 3 AM, my son started to cry because he needed a diaper change. Of course, I got frustrated because I was being interrupted. At first I was pissed off and then realized it was idiotic of me to get mad at a baby for doing something natural to let me know something is wrong. I felt so guilty and stupid for feeling the way I did. I let it go and just continued to play later on. Now on Christmas Eve, I feel like it was the last straw. I played some more while my mother has my son while I was supposed to rest up. I ended up taking the Xbox and moving it into storage because I knew I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing or else I’ll end up making myself sick from sleep deprivation or god knows what else.
I don’t want to say that my New Years’ Resolution is to quit gaming for a whole year, amongst other things even though it sounds good. It just seems cliche. But Im not knocking the idea away just yet. A lot of things have to change or else its going to get worse.
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Ashley K. added a topic in RelapseHmm...Should I make a new post here just to mention that I relapsed?
I did relapse, though lol.
I had my son on November 10th and I came back home from the hospital on November 13th and I've tried to play while I've been back. It's tough. With the around the clock breastfeeding, lack of sleep and then trying to play when he's asleep it just catches up with me every single time. There are times I have played for a full 2 hours until I start getting sleepy, then I look at my newborn son and start feeling guilty about playing then I just get off and hold him until I fall asleep. A really good friend of mine stopped playing video games. He said he only plays when his girlfriend wants to play, other than that he doesn't play at all. He said they don't feel the same like they used to anymore. So now he goes to the gym, works, goes to class, rides his bike everywhere, reads, basically enjoying life. I told him about my struggles with video game addiction and he said that I should quit also because it's worth it. That life brings more to the table than video games. I told him that I felt like this was a losing battle for me and Im just going to end up playing like I always do, but he believes in me enough that I have the willpower to stop playing.
It's nice knowing I have a friend who believes in me also. Besides having the support of everyone here and my husband supporting me also. Right now I'm just trying to take it easy and enjoy one day at a time. We will see what happens in the future.
My 5 year old and my newborn son
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Ashley K. added a topic in RelapseYeah...I think it's funny how quickly I relapsed after coming on here almost a week ago to say that Im back after my relapse and yet I relapsed AGAIN for a week.
I honestly believe at this point that I don't have the willpower to quit playing. I've played for so long that it feels like its engrained. I still play for long periods of time, but then when I get upset with whatever game I'm playing, I get off and I don't go back on until a couple of hours later or when my husband gets off the computer. It's literally 3 days before my C-Section and my son has a cold and I still play. This must be the most shittiest thing I can do. Continuing to play while my son has a high fever of 102 and my second son coming soon. If that's not shitty, I don't know what is.
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Ashley K. added a topic in RelapseAhhh RelapseHaha...ahh...I told myself I would never ever be prone to relapsing since I thought that I had my head straight. I guess not. I got sucked back into playing league of legends, black ops 2 and a bunch of other games. I stopped drawing altogether because I felt that what's the point in trying to teach myself to draw when it just takes too long. Becoming an entrepreneur seems far away for me to ever achieve. Trying to balance playing video games with my life seems hopeless so thats why I just relapsed. In 2 weeks my son will be born. I thought about that and how playing video games will affect my interaction with him. Will I forget to feed him? Will I get frustrated when he starts crying and interrupts my gaming session? So many questions that I have on my mind that I just end up putting in the back of my mind because I felt that it won't affect me or him at all. I also stopped planning out my day because there was literally nothing for me to do to fill out my day. I mean, I'm a stay at home mom with a second child on the way, who also lives at home with her parents and husband. What can I do? I don't even have a license, lol.
I've lost sleep playing video games. I thought at the time when I relapsed that playing would help me become more creative because it would help me get ideas if I played. Totally and utterly wrong. I have not once thought of anything creative, except for the games I see in front of me that are already have been created. No ideas have come into my head, just nothing. I sent in a ticket to Riot to delete my league of legends account and they gave the option of either deactivating or deleting. I haven't decided yet because I don't know what would happen to me if I ended up deleting my account. All I know is that the progress I made 2 weeks ago at the time is just gone. Now I have to start all over again. I hate this, I hate myself and the negativity I put myself through on a constantly basis. This is just a vicious cycle. Something that the majority of us get ourselves into and can't get out of. I can't think of anyone younger or around my age that doesn't play video games. Except for Cam and the others that are a part of this community at Game Quitters.
I'm lost in my own head.
(Sorry for the rambling)
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