Laney's Journal

[Laney]

Sober 2 days, 12/16/2015

Been focusing on arts and crafts Christmas gifts for friends. First project was framing two pieces of art, involved project because I didn't pay the $70 to have the mats cut and installed for me, so I have to cut them myself. Framed one of the two pictures, one left to go. For my third gift I am making a Pokemon Badge Display Box with perler bead badges for a longtime friend. I put it off because I hated how all the beads were mixed together. So over the past few days I organized ALL THE PERLER BEADS to be color separated. Used to look like this 

and now it looks more like THIS!

Feeling pretty good about making progress on my gifts. I've put the perler bead one off for two years! Will post pictures of all completed projects when they are done

 

Gratitude journal

1. I woke up easily, made awesome coffee and got to work on time.

2. Met a really cool person who turned me down, but I'm glad I know them

3. My co worker is back from school. It's wonderful having his energy back at the office.

 

 

Edit: Here's my completed project! 

Edited January 6, 2016 by Laney

[Cam Adair]

Super cool! Excited to see the gifts when they're complete. Using your "hands" more and interacting with a physical environment are both good things to do after you quit gaming. It reconnects you with life in a great way.

[Laney]

Sober 3 days,

During the day,

Work and Christmas shopping/wrapping had me so tired I didn't have the energy to work on any crafts last night. Watched tv with the fam and went to bed early. 

Didn't think about games, not even my phone minigames. Although there is a passive "You should plan time to play more of ____ rpg, Laney". I haven't really acted on it, and I'm not sure if I plan to any time soon.

 

Reflection Space

I always thought holiday = FREE TIME! But looking back I see that mindset is false, and I created that imagined free time by ignoring them. My family is constantly busy during the holidays, traveling, prepping, planning, spending time with each other, spending time with friends. I'm really disappointed in my old self and how I handled and ignored family because of games during holidays. This year, I will connect and celebrate.

How do I connect to my mother when she is addicted to tv shows and her phone games?

Is it my fault that she's turned to games when all I did for years was go into my room and not spend time with her?

[SpiNips]

I'm no expert in these kind of situations, but I feel like you shouldn't put your mother's choices on your conscience. She is an adult and capable of making her own choices and decisions. 

Your journey seems to be starting well! Good luck! (By the way you are my hero for sorting out all those Hama beads! )

[Laney]

Super cool! Excited to see the gifts when they're complete. Using your "hands" more and interacting with a physical environment are both good things to do after you quit gaming. It reconnects you with life in a great way.

Thanks Cam! I'm excited too. It really means a lot to me to be able to give my friends something physical and more expensive than normal. We're all youngins with no houses, not much furniture, and definitely no art to our names. I'm pretty stoked for their reactions (They are my tabletop game buddies of two years)

And the handdss! It's pretty fun, I never really explored the creative area of myself except for music. Going to have to look out for new ideas or clubs to join. Maybe learn to paint. I know you speak a lot about learning languages, have you learned any yet?

I'm no expert in these kind of situations, but I feel like you shouldn't put your mother's choices on your conscience. She is an adult and capable of making her own choices and decisions. 

Your journey seems to be starting well! Good luck! (By the way you are my hero for sorting out all those Hama beads! )

Ahahaha, seeing them all neatly in their own little bags makes me the happiest person ever. About the mom thing, I know it isn't really my fault but I wasn't necessarily a good example for her. I would speak highly of my games, and how they helped me develop, the cool people I met. Now she's chatting with people and playing games with her phone and I'm the one who feels ignored. The only thing I can do is try to be a better example than I was before, maybe bring up how I'm quitting games and just try to keep the conversation open with her so she can reach her own thoughts on the matter.

[wookieshark88]

I love the organized beads!  A few weeks ago I was feeling anxiety so I organized my wife's sock/underwear drawer.  Sitting still and putting order to things can really take the edge off!

[Laney]

Progress pics:

6 of 8 perler badges (missing red beads, postponed for a while). Not really into pokemon anymore, but it's quite fun. Going to make or buy a display box with glass that he can hang on the wall.

 

Framed picture #1  Science fiction is totally my thing. I love the future, discussing theories on the future, thinking of products that will exist in the future, etc. These pieces of art will be for my two homies who have been in my futuristic pen and paper tabletop the past two years. 

Edited December 18, 2015 by Laney

[Laney]

Alex's Journal template thing. May want to add a separate goal post, as I'm just floating around not sure of what to do with myself.

3 Things I am grateful for:

One amazing thing that happened today:

What could I have done to make my day better?

What I am going to do differently tomorrow:

[Tom]

Nice artwork! Your friends will be happy!

I'm really disappointed in my old self and how I handled and ignored family because of games during holidays. This year, I will connect and celebrate.

You did the best you could to be happy with the knowledge you had at the time. Can you forgive your old self? Can you be thankful for what you have learned?

How do I connect to my mother when she is addicted to tv shows and her phone games?

What does your mother like to do? What would you love to do together? Try making a plan with her. Being out helps a lot. When I want to connect with my father I have to drag him somewhere where there are no screens.

Is it my fault that she's turned to games when all I did for years was go into my room and not spend time with her?

She's probably asking herself the same question in reverse. Guilt is a terrible thing: it can make you feel unworthy and afraid to bridge the gap with those you care about. Take advantage of the Christmas atmosphere to be real with each other. You can always discuss this if you feel the time is right. Makes sense?

[kortheo]

Progress pics:

6 of 8 perler badges (missing red beads, postponed for a while). Not really into pokemon anymore, but it's quite fun. Going to make or buy a display box with glass that he can hang on the wall.

 

Framed picture #1  Science fiction is totally my thing. I love the future, discussing theories on the future, thinking of products that will exist in the future, etc. These pieces of art will be for my two homies who have been in my futuristic pen and paper tabletop the past two years. 

Nice badges! And wow, that art is awesome. Where did you get that?

[Cam Adair]

When it comes to your mother, the best thing you can do is start to lead by example. I've done this with my family and over time they have begun to follow. Especially when it comes to eating healthy. Remember that you are a product of your environment, but you are one of the variables in every environment you're in, so if you show up as the best version of yourself and pursue your goals and dreams, it will (can) inspire the people around you (in your environment) to do the same. Joe has a good example earlier in his journal about how his wife was responding positively in this kind of way after he quit gaming and started to pursue his goals, etc.

Lead by example, and then I would also encourage you to take the lead and plan things to do with your mom outside of the house. Being outside of the house is one of the easiest ways to stop watching TV and this can also help reconnect her with the things she does enjoy doing.

A few ideas.

[Laney]

Day 4 (sorry it's long, a lot happened)

I open my email and see "Closed Beta Invite" for a beta I signed up for years ago. Wow. Seriously? F**king serious? I wanted to play that game for so long, and now the week when I decide I'm done with mmo's of course this happens.

So I immediately thought how can get I get rid of it. I reached out to a friend who signed up for the beta with me. He already got the invite too, my heart dropped, because then I still have the darn invite unclaimed.  I decided to tell him about my Game Quitting initiative, and that I'd been "sober" for four days. I didn't really know how he would react but he said "Damn that's basically me" and "I don't know if I can help you, I've already given into the dark side. You need a non video game hobby. Find some social activity that can take your mind off games. Delete it."

I was so relieved and happy that my gaming friend who I care about could take me seriously and respect AND support my decision. Totally blew me away. I deleted it and never felt so happy/proud of myself. Really good night.

 

Day 5 

This morning I decided to get rid of the nagging feeling to play my mmo. The only attachment really was my unique item I won from a contest a while back. So I decided to give away my money and special clothing item to my buddy. Goal was to log on, trade everything and then uninstall.

Goal was accomplished but...my friend didn't really understand my "quitting mmo's for good" concept... Kept using words like I'll hold this for you until you come back, I wont use them, I'll keep a spreadsheet of what you give me, etc. And then they gave me a YouTube link to an mmo and said they'd steal me to play with them when it comes out. He got me talking about a game I forgot about and I even said I would play it when it releases. I got pissed at myself and him and cussed a bunch.

I was really upset about myself, I basically relapsed mentally, I think yesterday's email plus the video he linked and how positively he was talking about games just tricked me into thinking, "why don't I game?". I shut my laptop and angrily ate cereal, didn't like the taste threw it in the sink and paced the house. Eventually I turned on this relax mediation app and I finally calmed down.. Decided only my morning would suck, I was past this. All my MMO's were uninstalled and the beta invite was deleted, so the false temptation today doesn't matter. I moved on.

Went to a friend's house, made bomb coffee with her and she may even become my physical trainer if I tutor her next quarter! The drive, good company and wonderful sky really made my day, and I feel really good about my future.

Overall, still upset and I'm not sure how to get past that? But I'm ignoring it and trying to focus on the moment. It's really frustrating when people don't understand/take me seriously about this quitting addict thing.

Tonight I'm at a Christmas party with long time family friends. I'll try to respond to everyone tomorrow but I have read all of your responses, thank you. 

[Cam Adair]

Hey. First, good job staying true to your values. Sometimes we need to be tested in this way for us to remind ourselves why it's important for us to move on. 

When it comes to being upset, what I'd encourage you to do is not to ignore it, and instead to ACCEPT it. There's a difference and it's important. When you "ignore" how you're feeling, you suppress it. And this suppression comes with a ton of consequences. Instead, by accepting the way you feel, it doesn't have to have any further power over you. You can follow the process I outline here. There's also a good podcast with Tim Ferriss and Tara Brach here.

Enjoy your Christmas party.

[Laney]

 Nice badges! And wow, that art is awesome. Where did you get that?

Thank you! I found the artist a long time ago on the internet, rediscovered and I bought it from his inprnt page http://www.inprnt.com/gallery/tomas_honz/

[Laney]

Nice artwork! Your friends will be happy!

I'm really disappointed in my old self and how I handled and ignored family because of games during holidays. This year, I will connect and celebrate.

You did the best you could to be happy with the knowledge you had at the time. Can you forgive your old self? Can you be thankful for what you have learned?

How do I connect to my mother when she is addicted to tv shows and her phone games?

What does your mother like to do? What would you love to do together? Try making a plan with her. Being out helps a lot. When I want to connect with my father I have to drag him somewhere where there are no screens.

Is it my fault that she's turned to games when all I did for years was go into my room and not spend time with her?

She's probably asking herself the same question in reverse. Guilt is a terrible thing: it can make you feel unworthy and afraid to bridge the gap with those you care about. Take advantage of the Christmas atmosphere to be real with each other. You can always discuss this if you feel the time is right. Makes sense?

1) I don't think I can entirely forgive myself until I can successfully do the in the moment thing a few times. Forgiving myself ahead of time will hold me accountable as if I've already accomplished it. Then I will feel less inclined to do it.

2) I'm not really sure. The only activities we do together is crafts, cooking, movies, restaurants and shopping. If you have any ideas n.n don't think I can get into something very time consuming with her as I'm pretty busy. Maybe a weekly luncheon?

3) Thanks, she probably does feel guilty too. I'll see if we can talk about it maybe, and if not I will definitely do what Cam said and lead by example. I think it will include talking to get about what she wants to do with herself outside of work and home.

[Laney]

Hey. First, good job staying true to your values. Sometimes we need to be tested in this way for us to remind ourselves why it's important for us to move on. 

When it comes to being upset, what I'd encourage you to do is not to ignore it, and instead to ACCEPT it. There's a difference and it's important. When you "ignore" how you're feeling, you suppress it. And this suppression comes with a ton of consequences. Instead, by accepting the way you feel, it doesn't have to have any further power over you. You can follow the process I outline here. There's also a good podcast with Tim Ferriss and Tara Brach here.

Enjoy your Christmas party.

Thanks for the video. Seeing a visualization of how to approach what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling a certain way is pretty nice, I've been learning about it during yoga & meditation, and to see it repeated here is kind of cool. It really is all about the intention of your physical state and actions/thoughts! But really, the only thing that can get me out of a mood is to distance myself from others and be alone, or to get out of the house and exercise or do something different. I can't monitor myself well after I've gone over the edge until all or most triggers are gone. I try to be aware of my triggers and control my food pretty strongly so I never get into a "gremlin" mood like that morning. 

I definitely go through that process of acknowledging my feelings and separating myself from them. I just.. Anger at myself is really the hardest one to logic my way out of. Anger at someone else is pretty easy to deal with in comparison n.n

Edited December 22, 2015 by Laney

[Cam Adair]

Yoga & meditation is great, I encourage you to continue doing both. 

[Laney]

Nothing much has happened and I haven't felt the urge to play games, hell yeah! Keeping busy and present planning has really helped.

 

Day 6 - Sunday

Kinda had a bad morning, woke up feeling bad from the past two days of crappy MMO experiences. Worked on more of my crafts with a friend in the morning, cheered me up. Then Shadowrun tabletop game with friends. SO GOOD. I missed this so bad. I have the best character ever and our group gets along great.

Best part of the day: Sister came home!! 

 

Day 7 - Monday

Work. Christmas shopping (Best gift of the night: a super cool engraved wallet for my dad). After I got back home, sister was super stressed from being home (law school makes it hard to relax), she kept talking herself in bad self doubting circles so I tried to distract her with my own problems (quitting games!) It actually worked really well and the end of the night we were dying of laughter, doing yoga and listening to S Club 7. She said this forum sounds like my own AA meetings, and it kind of is! Thank you guys

Although the end of the night I realized I lost a $45 purchase and cried myself to sleep.

 

Day 8 - Tuesday

Nothing too crazy, work, found the lost purchase at the mall(YES), bought more gifts, neighborhood party. OH! And I bought one of the books on Cam's list, The Power of Habit. Haven't started it yet.

3 Things I am grateful for:

1. Honest retail workers
2. My job
3. I have really awesome neighbors!! Got to meet a lot of new ones and the older ones too. We have sweet, kind people on our street.

One amazing thing that happened today:

• I found the last book I was searching for as a gift. I am done with shopping!!

What could I have done to make my day better?

Been on time to the darn neighborhood party. I totally forgot it was happening and took my time at the mall.

What I am going to do differently tomorrow:

I am going to exercise!

Edited December 23, 2015 by Laney

[Django]

Hey, tell us what you think about the power of habit, I'm also going to read it after I finished reading/listening to The Slight Edge!

Lucky you found the lost gift. What was it?

And great to read you are going to exercise. What is your objective?

[Laney]

Hey, tell us what you think about the power of habit, I'm also going to read it after I finished reading/listening to The Slight Edge!

Lucky you found the lost gift. What was it?

And great to read you are going to exercise. What is your objective?

The gift was earrings for my sister that can be left in forever without bad things happening. Not the cheap $10 jewelry. And it was a bunch of women who kept it for me until the next day! Super sweet and grateful they were honest and saved it for me.

The book is great, I went on a run with my parents dogs right after the first few pages haha. I plan on reading it more tonight. Definitely helping me approach this whole thing and invigorating me to be excited for the change.

I dont have an exercise objective. Honestly healthy heart is the most important so probably cardio, second importance is decent muscle strength. But the heart truly is the thing I need to work on. Exercise hurts really bad when I stress my heart past its limits, my whole head aches including my jaw and neck. Maybe a physical before getting into this would be better? Been like that my whole life but it is possible to make it healthier. Back in cross country it would only hurt after sprinting to my limits, but now that I'm out of shape it hurts doing any exercise.

[Laney]

Day 14

Progress is a lot slower than I thought it would be. 

Work is really stressful because of a bad co-worker.

I can't seem to do anything for myself. Only if it's for others do I have motivation. Zero will power for things I want to do specifically for me. I don't know how to fix this, I've been that way my whole life. I'm pretty sure it has to do with my ADHD. I am wonderful at tricking myself into doing productive things by involving others...But you can't always do that. How can I hang out with just me and have the will to do things?? I hate my brain.

These are all things I want to do that dont include others: clean room(like reaaalllly clean it, throw out a bunch of clothes and get rid of objects I dont need and reorganize), exercise, make bad ass coffee in the morning, do my hair a specific way that I like, program/research an AR app, learn Japanese or German, learn how to paint, sing a reggae song at a local bar since they never have female singers on reggae night.

Honestly I'm having a really bad day. I have bad self confidence because I lack the ability to articulate my ideas. I let people take over because I dont have the articulation to defend my approach and ideas in the moment, and I'm a very kind person who goes by the rules and wants to believe the best of people. I get stepped on by dominant people who don't follow the same moral ethics as my own.

[Cam Adair]

The two week mark is still awesome to take a minute to recognize yourself for it, even if progress feels slower than you'd like. 

This video on willpower might help you. You can also check out this talk. IMO willpower is misunderstood. Remember that motivation comes from purpose, and it's more like a volume knob than a lightswitch. If you don't know why you're doing what you're doing, it's hard to follow through with it... who cares? I talk more about that here and here.

I relate to you when it comes to having trouble standing up for myself. That is all about boundaries. One book you might like is No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. It helped me a ton with this issue.

Anyways, keep your head up dude, you're doing better than you give yourself credit for.

 

[kortheo]

Hey Laney,

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day! It will pass

One thing I will just pipe in about is that you mentioned ADHD. I dated someone with ADHD for 2 years, so I have some sense of how that affects someone. I was with her before and after her diagnosis, and before and after her she started taking medication and learning about ADHD. I was able to see what a difference proactively dealing with her condition (which is legally considered a disability) did for her, and how much it improved her life. If you already know all this, then disregard. I just wanted to say that doing everything you can to treat the ADHD will likely be a ton of help, if you haven't yet. For someone with ADHD it's not just a matter of trying harder or trying to be more disciplined. If you truly have ADHD, then at a neurobiological level you have more difficulty than most people with self-regulation, self-control, executive function - so don't beat yourself up over something chemical that you can't control. Be kind to yourself, focus on what you can control and do the best you can! There are advantages to ADHD as well, so learning to leverage though can be great too.

Hope this helps. Hang in there!

[Laney]

I forgot to post my finished product. They loved them! Made me super happy. Funny thing is they both bought me video games for Christmas. Smh haha. But I'm allowing myself rpg's so I'm actually pretty ecstatic. Won't play them for a while though. I am starting to get invested in this true detox from all games.

[Cam Adair]

The detox is important and you'll relate to that more after 90 days. Trust me.