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Laney

Laney's Journal

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Thank you very much for the shout out! I hope the visualisation technique works for you.

Also could you please tell me how to tag people without quoting?

Good luck for your date :)

 Type the @ symbol and as you begin typing the username it will pop up and you can click on it. Saw someone use it the other day and it's much easier than quoting while on mobile.

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Dreamed about playing an mmo. Yay. 

Those dreams began a few years into playing mmo's I imagine they won't go away for a few years. gg.

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That's interesting. Dreaming about playing an ammo.. huh, there's a new one! Would you like to share with us what you were doing in the game?

Oddly enough this reminds me of something I found years ago, it was like mediation but you could do things in your dreams.. I forgot it, oh well.

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I'm not sure if I want to share. 1. Don't want to trigger cravings in you guys, which is why I never mention game titles unless needed 2. I can forget it if I don't recall it for ya ;)

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Hehe, I wonder if farming simulator would be popular with us, haha. Fair enough, I hope the next dream is something more pleasent, perhaps oreos and milk?

mm.. milk sounds good right now, anyway! I hope things go well. :D

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Thanks haha, that sounds quite boring compared to my usual dreams. I'm always under duress in mine. Stressed even when sleeping, sounds about right! Makes for amazing, awe inspiring sci fi adventures...let me tell you. ;3 I love my dreams until an ex appears or (now) an mmo appears.

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I don't think I ever dreamed about playing a game even when I went 70 days without gaming. That's pretty wild. Though I guess if I did, I might not notice, since (ironically) I'm working on the second draft of a novel about a fictitious MMO. Oddly that doesn't give me cravings...

Oh, and @ShadyCB, I believe what you're thinking of is lucid dreaming. I have a buddy who's read about it and I think tried to initiate it. Now that would be interesting to combine with a dream about games.

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Using a new Chrome app to help manage my time while at work and outside of it.  It's called Morphine and it gives you time as currency to spend on browsing given in intervals of pre-selected minutes. (I get 4 minutes of browsing time every 30m atm).  It's made me very aware of how much time I spend on websites and has made me already a lot more productive at work.

Edited by Laney

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Using a new Chrome app to help manage my time while at work and outside of it.  It's called Morphine and it gives you time as currency to spend on browsing given in intervals of pre-slected selected minutes. (I get four minutes every 30 of browsing time right now).  It's made me very aware of how much time I spend on websites and has made me already a lot more productive at work.

Very cool! 

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I've only dreamt of games when I was playing them for way too many hours during the day. Otherwise, no.

I would focus on the benefits you're slowly accruing without the games. If they pop into your head, I would train yourself to redirect it back onto what you've gained as a result of not having them. And then, focus on how you feel when you've spent 10 hours on a game, it's getting stale, and yet you can't extricate yourself. And, think of all the things you don't get to accomplish.

I know that makes it feel disgusting to me, and makes me yearn for a more productive, satisfying life.

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@Alkan  My dreams of mmo's are not correlated to my mmo playing. Nor do my dreams of mmo's replicate any game I've ever played. So it's not really something I can connect in my brain to the disgust I feel towards gaming, other than waking up feeling guilty. I did manage to dream feeling guilty in game as I started waking up more. Haha. That was interesting.

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Day 30, Week Three

1_month_clean_and_sober_2_inch_round_but

Four weeks! Whoooo! Feels so short and so long at the same time.  Half of me is happy for where I am, but the other half is upset I'm not farther.

School: I stilI have this brain fog and am having trouble getting into the swing of my classes. I look forward to when I can be 100% invested and involved with them. I think that will be accomplished this week. My brain is so very forgetful of my assignments and I've even forgotten to buy the parking pass every day. So now I'm walking 20+min to class if I miss the shuttle. I've been late or missed classes already because of this. Trouble parking triggers my depression from two years ago when I was in a really bad place at school.

 

Cravings for tv shows and a specific ascii game has been increasing since school started. I am very upset with the state of my life and don't want to face it. But I dont have to face it as @Alkan pointed out. I'll do what I know needs to be done for school and think about the shit person I am after I've done it. I assume I won't think I'm shit after accomplishing things.

Work: I'm in a job where I'm paid too little and not being challenged enough. But at the same time I've also stopped taking it seriously and aren't doing my best. I need to be more mindful and present at work, and I also need to apply to many entry level jobs in my area. I'm don't want to interview because I am scared of being perceived as an idiot in the tech field. Gotta just jump in anyway. :<

3 things I'm grateful for:

1. That I made it to class on time.

2. My yoga + meditation class. WOW I feel so relaxed!!

3. Students collecting signatures to protest parking and transportation

1 amazing thing that happened today

A friend shared plenty of Geisha coffee with me today, I had it pourover then aeropress and then tonic+espresso shot. Great coffee and great company. Geisha coffee beans are expensive, less than the owl poop coffee but more $ than most everything else haha. 

What could I have done to make my day better?

Honestly? Nothing haha. It was a good day. OH I could've brought a calculator to my finance class.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

I will exercise after work, and hopefullly paint something that fits my soul more. I keep comparing myself when really I shod be creati.g what I feel I should be. Something magical, otherwordly, with a feeling of solitude. But that's a goal for more than just tomorrow.

Edited by Laney

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Drop the "shitty person" thing. You just have to refuse that concept and feeling in its entirety. Imagine that thought as if it's a 5 inch bug that's ripping your insides out. Literally, imagine that physically and associate it with the thought. Dissociate that thought from you sense of identity, and make the association disgusting or painful. There is a sense of pleasure associated with slipping into depression - kind of a relief into a low-energy state. It might sound silly to hear it that way, but if you pay close enough attention, it's definitely there. That's why you need to recondition your thoughts - and why you need to keep meditating so that those little subtle feelings that you're unaware of become more pronounced. The brain becomes a bit addicted to that low energy, sorrowful state. A bit less than that is the point where it becomes physically painful, then it's just terrible. Even that can be punctuated by things like an actual sense of validation.

Much like video games, you have a conditioned response around your schoolwork - one that I used to have, and still have to a mild degree. It's an association with that and feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, being behind or "not measuring up." It makes schoolwork in general stressful, the moment you see it. So, that's what makes you procrastinate. So, I think what you want to do, which is why that article was so effective for me, is continue focusing just on the systems, not the goals or outcomes. Just get started ASAP and push through them.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is a technique used to reframe thoughts so that you stop having the conditioned responses that lead you down the depressive downward spiral. It's also used to recondition yourself to achieve behavior that you intend to do.

This is the mindfulness video that I happen to start with before moving onto doing it myself:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdi1AQyyjNA

This one is pretty good at making you aware of what's going on inside. I now routinely enter that state of observing all of consciousness, and can actually get to a partial state of it almost instantaneously that allows me to catch myself in the midst of behaviors that I would like to actually change.

From all of this, though, I'd like to reemphasize action over thought. Action actually makes change, action is rewarding in and of itself - that reward of actually doing is what you need to focus on and condition in yourself. Recognize that life actually changes when you take action, and that things only get worse as you're sitting there.

Edited by Alkan

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Woohoo! Go Laney! Congrats on your first month, that's awesome. 

Ramit Sethi has a lot of great content on preparing for interviews I would recommend for you if the interview is a point of tension.

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Woohoo! Go Laney! Congrats on your first month, that's awesome. 

Ramit Sethi has a lot of great content on preparing for interviews I would recommend for you if the interview is a point of tension.

Thank you, Cam. I am looking into his  How to Talk to Anybody and Instant Network which both interest me. What a cool dude! People like you and him amaze me. The social skills needed to get life idea's across to people productively is whooosh over my head.

 

Day 34.

Had a very un-productive weekend. I spent most of my time with friends as my phone was stolen at a music venue. They stayed a day longer in LA to help me find it (we didn't). Thank goodness I use Google Voice for work, and can still answer phone calls when I have wifi. It's also KIND OF NICE not having my phone, but expensive as I have to replace it, and I lost all my photo's and personal notes which are priceless. I think I'm allowed to insert sad face here to mourn it's loss. :(

But it's the beginning of the week and I'm looking forward to kicking it's butt! I've had two good talks with acquaintances in the field that have invigorated me to search for a better fitting job, and got a bit of direction for my few core classes left. 

What I will do better:

Focus on school work and try to be ahead oh my classes this quarter! That would be a wild thing.

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Day 40

I have a phone again!

Without "games" I've been more aware in general,  but I am still oblivious and not on top of my life. I hope as I approach the halfway mark, that I will accomplish "awareness" by the time I finish the detox. Or at least the beginnings of a habit where I can achieve more and more awareness as I go. 

RPG's are still a lingering thought that I tease myself with, although I don't indulge  them. Honestly I don't  know what to do, half of me thinks I deserve some free time to enjoy an RPG while the other half thinks it would be a downward spiral if I want to accomplish the career and person that I know I can be and am capable of. I am not addicted to them in the sense that I cannot detach, but I am addicted by feeling the need to escape my life and enjoy a fantasy on the screen. To help that, I will be using my phone less than I was before becayse it's replaced a part of that escape I had with games. The more I encompass myself in real life, the more I am aware of my goals. The frequency of visualizing my future and present goals has increased despite not being as aware as I'd like. 

All in all, this detox is good thing despite this plateau. I'm positive I'll get past it. Thanks for reading anyone ~

Edited by Laney

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@Alkan  My dreams of mmo's are not correlated to my mmo playing. Nor do my dreams of mmo's replicate any game I've ever played.

I have the same experiences as Laney :) My gaming dreams are based on the game I was playing but my dreaming mind completely redesigns the game in question. I wonder if it would be a good idea to transform these dreams into short stories? They do not really make me want to play since they are so much better than actual game.

Edited by Primmulla

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@Alkan  My dreams of mmo's are not correlated to my mmo playing. Nor do my dreams of mmo's replicate any game I've ever played.

I have the same experiences as Laney :) My gaming dreams are based on the game I was playing but my dreaming mind completely redesigns the game in question. I wonder if it would be a good idea to transform these dreams into short stories? They do not really make me want to play since they are so much better than actual game.

I wonder why you and others can recognize the specific game while mine aren't identifiable. But what a fun idea!! They do have unique storylines behind them despite the mmo-feel. It would be interesting to keep the story and remove the gaming aspects. Have you tried writing yours?

My story writing is absolute crap though, so I'd probably keep it to myself ahaha ;) Or maybe we can pm each other!

Edited by Laney

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Day 59 (whaat almost two months!)

I went gluten free a little over two weeks ago. It has been an intense journey that taxes my mind and body. Today, I forgot to take my vitamins before work and was reminded my body is still experiencing gluten withdrawal. Or that something else is going on in my body I'm not aware of yet. Since this is still a problem, if not worse than last week, I want to get bloodwork and food allergies done. 

Been listening to Brain Maker on audible, I am now inspired to fix my adhd, brain fog, depression and headaches with my diet. It sounds too good to be true! That my adhd could be reversed, or at least lessened and managed, by a healthy gut biome. I definitely can't attempt this on my own though. Again, I need to seek professional help.

Work has been much better though! Brain fog disappeared. Oh and my impulsivity to buy random things has also decreased!  So has my depression lessened. These are all good signs, but not sure if it's worth this headache.

Edited by Laney
Brain dogs are cool and all, but I think I'll fix that.

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Brain dogs! I make a sufficient number of typos in my posts that I wonder if my writing skills are atrophying. Haha. I think I just used to proof-read more in the past.

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Day 77

Hi everyone~ I've been MIA on the forums. I've not been avoiding you guys, rather avoiding facing myself and the disappointment I feel in myself. I feel I should be better than I am, but I guess not addressing it is worse than speaking to my journal.

I feel overwhelmed. Depressed. Unhappy with my willpower. The beginning of this quarter I was so focused on being 100% everywhere in my life that I ended up being 100% in family, friends, organization, food and errands...at the cost of not having enough time and energy left dedicated to school.

Now I'm in survival mode, as always. I wish I could do more than just survive in my schooling. 

Even though I'm not playing games, I haven't replaced it with better habits. My goal for this week is to start my homework early, and begin interrupting my habit of last minute werk.

Edited by Laney

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Going to bring up the dream topic again as it's still bothering me passively.

So I've quit gluten and video games. Now my dreams are filled with indulging both of these, and closer to waking, guilt in the dream about having relapsed. Lol. It's ridiculous and kind of a downer. I've even had my dreams confused with reality more than once, stopping and facing myself, "Did you really play a game yesterday?" "Why did you eat that food?"

I worry about everything. I doubt time will remove these dreams and fears of accidental relapse. My brain is forgetful and I'm constantly worried I'll forget I can't eat gluten or that I've quit video games. Kind of silly to worry about but it's honestly the only way I keep my brain in check, to remind myself with fear.

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