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DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline


DaBest
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I'm pretty much over the golf thing. Next time we golf together (I've been granted a reprieve, thankfully), I'm going to tell the guy jokingly, but still seriously, to say "nice shot" on every swing. A) If he does, it makes it more meaningless. B) If he says it sometimes, whatever, I gave him permission. or C) He stops, and I won't be so fucking sensitive next time. 

Work was slow this week. My thing finished up. I've taken it upon myself to do some training on some software I didn't know how to use (which if I did, I would've been given more work). I'm also going to write a quick start training manual since the thing is kind of complicated and we don't have anything like that in our company. Even though I'm unbillable, at least I can still deliver something of value. I did also use some of the time and read an awesome facility design article in a trade journal written by someone in my company. I reached out to him and asked a few questions. I definitely want to be considered for those kinds of projects.

I'll be alone this Thanksgiving thanks to a certain idiotic governor. My parents were going to drive here--just us three--but rules are strict about inter-state travel. I booked an impromptu round of golf tomorrow to fill the time. It's good practice to pressure test my swing. I will Zoom my family though over dinner. 

Fuck Covid. 

I'm still grateful for having my family, a job, that I'm not completely alone, that I'm getting out of bed quicker in the mornings, and that I'm slowly improving as a person.

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Sorry about not being able to see your family for xgiving. That's lame. I've had xgiving by myself before too and just ate at boston market. It was a kind of sad xgiving. I hope yours goes well. At least you're calling your parents. Good luck with the golf sorry about your instructor or whoever being too repetitive. That sort of thing might be worth asking them to change. I have to ask my clients to change more often than I'd like as they repetitively do things that're bothersome.

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@TheNewMe2.0, it's all good. Thanks bud. Sorry to hear you were in a similar boat before. Seeing everyone online was better than nothing. I can be grateful for that.

----

Thursday's golf was a struggle. It was probably the worst I had played, but given that, I didn't explode or anything. It was a beautiful day though, and the guys I was playing with were chill. It's just going to take a lot more practice. I had a lesson on Friday, which was kind of meh. Coach is confused why I'm hitting random shots to the right, and why I can't manage a straight shot with anything more than a half swing. We are troubleshooting. 

One good thing that happened the past few days was despite feeling down on Thanksgiving, I sent a boatload of Happy Thanksgiving texts, which is rare for me. Even to some old friends. I can't always be expecting love and kindness--I should just give it more often. I was just happy that I was making others feel noticed and wanted, even if only a little bit. I want to drive home that mentality more.

I have spent way too much time on the internet the past few days and could've put some of that time to myself. I just don't like the silence. I said I wouldn't go on my laptop at all today besides some errand stuff but I've been on it a bunch while I have been home. So for the rest of the night, I'm going to leave this OFF, except maybe to book a tee time after midnight, so I can snag the best times for next weekend. In place of going on the laptop, I'm going to put the time into improving my mental state by cleaning.

I'm grateful for: awkward family Thanksgivings online, shanked golf shots, meditation, warm Novembers, gradual improvements.

 

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Actually followed through on last night. Got some time away from the computer, spent that time meditating, and then falling asleep. 

I've been out and about today a bit, but I did spend a bit of time watching a football game today so I want to do the same thing as last night. Post here, and get off the computer, unless I do some studying for fluid mechanics. 

How do I want to finish off tonight? 

-Quick round of dishes and finish laundry.

- Call home. 

-Workout/read/study. Maybe some meditation.

Things I'm grateful for today: getting off the computer early, not going on my phone much when I woke up, getting up quick on a Sunday, beautiful weather, meditation, snacks.

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Overall, I followed through for the most part last night. At one point I went back on the internet and had no idea what I was doing. Pure instinct. Autopilot. It was weird. However, with all the extra time I saved, I worked out and went to bed at a reasonable hour.

I've felt really off today. Didn't sleep well last night. Working from home today since I had some errands to do during lunch which was much closer to my apartment. Was pretty distracted for a lot of today and didn't feel super effective at work. It was a full day though. It wasn't close to how April was. I'll be back in the office tomorrow.

Anxiety about work was a little high today. Not really billable right now. With the extra time I was refining some old work a bit more and caught some more errors. It all comes down to how I approached the information gathering. I'll do it differently next time. However, I can't beat myself up for the original mistakes. I'm happy I was able to get better supporting information which I can hopefully incorporate soon.

I can tell my mind doesn't want to live in reality today. That's not good. I can get off the internet and force myself back into it.

I have a lot of dishes to do from the cooking I did yesterday. I'm going to log off my computer and just do the dishes. If I have time, I'll workout some before bed. If I do this, this will be the third evening in a row where I mindfully stepped away from my computer. That seldom happens, but I'm focusing on it a lot more now.

I'm grateful for: driving, anxiety, not completely losing it today, my office, people in general.

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Last night went well for the most part. I worked out again. However, I did go back on my laptop to lookup a workout that I wanted to do, since I forgot some details. That was basically the extent of it though. No big deal there.

Today was a mixed bag. I was very anxious at work, and whenever I was feeling anxious, I wanted to reach for my phone. I had to meditate a lot at work today to keep my focus. I got a better hold on it towards the end of the day, though. I think the time away from the computer is exacerbating things since I naturally tend to think about all the stuff that I've put off and should be doing differently (funny how that works). I just need to keep focusing on acting towards resolving my issues, and with time that will change the image of myself and make me more confident overall. 

The more time I stay in the present the better person I'll become.

I'm going to logoff now. I have some dishes to do and I need to workout. If I have some extra time I'll cook some stuff that I was planning on tomorrow.

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On 11/30/2020 at 7:29 PM, DaBest said:

At one point I went back on the internet and had no idea what I was doing. Pure instinct. Autopilot. It was weird.

Same thing for me. I look at it, think to myself, "Why did I want to use this again?"

I don't always catch myself before the mindless browsing starts.

Cool that you recognize those moments.

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@championeal, yeah it's weird. It's all habit--it's not any different than people biting their nails or how they brush their teeth. It's easy to lose track of stuff like that.

---

Got off my laptop last night and worked out again. I'm pretty proud of myself for that.

Today was hard. Anxiety was high all day at work. Was beating myself up a lot. It's a new job so I doubt myself a lot. that's probably going to be like that for a while until I gain more experience and begin to feel more competent. I wanted to go on the internet and goof off all day, but even on my breaks, I got no relief. I couldn't escape the feeling. I left work today really drained. I'm really tired right now.

Spoke with my therapist tonight, and we both agreed that it was likely just new job jitters. It's just another challenge. There are a lot of areas in my life which were neglected which are challenges now. It's all good, as long as I'm still trying to fix it. I'm feeling a lot calmer after talking to my therapist. 

Mid-week is pretty mundane I guess.

Gratitude: therapists, chili, taking risks, working out, sleep, spending less time on the computer.

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Today was hard.

I had to work from home today since I needed to have a professional headshot taken, and the guy didn't have a studio, and there was no way I was going to be allowed to bring visitors to the office. There were just too many distractions and I was very tempted to go on my phone. Lot of anxiety still. However, most of the times I was on my phone was for scheduling a get-together for golf on Sunday. I also made sure I got my key goal done for this thing I'm working on. Also, I woke up at 2 AM last night and stayed up for three hours like an idiot. So, while I didn't do myself any favors today, I worked through it. 

After work I hit the driving range for a little as a reward for gritting through it. I'm starting to understand my swing better. I also asked that woman out again, and got the same response about "timing." There's a lot of stuff going on in this woman's life right now so I get it, but I know all well that this could just be reluctance/rejection. So I won't wait on this person, but if the opportunity presents itself down the road, cool. 

Really trying to chase the dragon on the internet right now. I should just do dishes and go to bed. 

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Today was good!

Had my most productive work-from-home day period. Made some really good progress on a deliverable. Had a good conversation with the project lead. Didn't mess around too much on the internet. All good. Overall, anxiety was low.

Had a golf lesson later, and my coach loaned me a set of really nice clubs that he'd promised to. Overall, my swing has gotten a lot better. The lessons are difficult though as once I get comfortable with the feel from one change, another gets added, then another, and another... Sometimes, it can be a bit frustrating. Towards the end though, we started to work on distance finally, and that made my caveman brain happy. 

After work though, I got nothing and I'm bored out of my mind. I chased it with the internet, but I'm stopping now instead of going into the morning. I didn't catch myself when it started happening. I'll try to be more vigilant about it tomorrow and reach out to some friends. I will be much more mindful about my time tomorrow since I have nothing planned at the moment.

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Today was meh.

I cancelled my golf outing earlier in the week so I had nothing to do today, which is always dangerous. Didn't get up super early, but I did clean up a bit and practiced at the driving range. Fixed some stuff at the house when I got back. Did some studying on the happiness course I neglected for a while. I also firmed up plans for a gathering tomorrow which I am organizing. It feels good when people want to hang out with me, even if I have to put in the work. I stopped doing that for years because I felt unlikable, but I also didn't realize that I was pushing people away by not inviting them, since a lot of people feel the same way I do. Perspective. So some good stuff from today. 

Not so good stuff from today, too. On my computer a bit too much today, including around meals. But, it's early, and if I turn off my computer now on a Saturday, that's a huge win. Instead of going on my computer for the rest of the night. I'm going to clean up some, get back on my dating apps, and either meditate or workout. 

Adios.

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Sorry today wasn't the best, I didn't have a great day either, but I'm glad you realized later that you could change the day around and do some productive things still. And hey like you said you had some good from today. Which in my opinion, you have to celebrate the little victories. 
 

Proud of you 

Jason

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I actually followed through on everything I said I'd do last night. Woo. 

Today was a great day. Got up earlier today though that was pretty easy given  I passed out on my couch again. Struggled at the driving range a bit, but it was nice to get out early. Had a separate golf outing thingy with a couple of friends from the old workplace and everyone had a lot of fun, which was great since none of them golf. Watched some football. And now I'm turning off my computer so I can do productive stuff. All in all, I didn't spend that much time on my computer today besides the football. This is another big weekend win.

Peace.

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Kept the computer off after my post last night. Every little window I get away from these screens is another step closer back to building a better life.

I don't really know why but I was absolutely exhausted when I woke up this morning. I moped around in bed for an hour, and just decided to work from home. Bad choice. I worked a full eight hours, but I was so distracted. I was taking long breaks. I kept wanting to go for my phone. It was dumb. Because of that, I ended up finishing work around 7. There was definitely some anxiety and self-doubt since I was struggling a bit with the thing I was working on. I hit some big roadblocks today and all the negativity came back. 

On the bright side though I did do a bunch of meditation today. I think it helped me calm down and not completely throw the day away. 

I'm going to clean up my apartment a bit to clear my head. Will have another chance to make tomorrow better.

 

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5 minutes ago, DaBest said:

I'm going to clean up my apartment a bit to clear my head. Will have another chance to make tomorrow better

I like how you ended with this! Despite work being a struggle today, you realized that we can't always have great days, and that there is always tomorrow. Which i think is important to learn

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22 hours ago, Jason70 said:

I like how you ended with this! Despite work being a struggle today, you realized that we can't always have great days, and that there is always tomorrow. Which i think is important to learn

Yep. I'm starting to finally give up on perfection and instead am just focusing on progress. It's healthier and I improve faster.

---

Work was LONG today. I'm trying for 8 billable hours of work every day for this week and I'm realizing that's HARD. When you add in the admin stuff, lunch breaks, etc., it ends up around 10-11 hours. My brain's a bit frazzled right now trying to maintain focus that long. I'm happy though since I made really good progress on my deliverable today. It's coming together nicely. What's also been nice is that I'm basically teaching myself how to use this fancy software, and when I get stuck with an issue, I can troubleshoot it and fix it myself. I like fixing things--it makes me feel competent.

I also spoke with a friend whose been struggling recently while I was at work. I knew it was going to extend my workday but I was glad I did it. 

Most importantly, I got a lot of meditation in today during work breaks. The past two days I had really good sessions, and it really helps with my focus and keeping the negativity (and computer) at bay. 

I'm kinda beat. I'm going to turn off my laptop, clean up my kitchen and bedroom, and workout if I have some time.

Mundane day. Woo.

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Nice job powering through the 10-11 hours. If i were you i'd be absolutely exhausted.

2 hours ago, DaBest said:

Yep. I'm starting to finally give up on perfection and instead am just focusing on progress. It's healthier and I improve faster

Congrats, I'm happy for you! Since we both struggle with this, what tactics did you use to start giving it up? Otherwise I'm proud

Jason

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Thanks @Jason70

I don't know if there's a tactic per se. It's more of a mindset shift. At a certain point, I started to get tired of beating myself up in my head all the time. I still do, don't get me wrong, but I know the one thing that makes that happen less is if I make progress and improve. However, one thing that does help this, or anything similar, is meditation, because meditation helps me be more aware of what I'm thinking about. Instead of feeling like a passenger along for the ride, I'm more of a rational observer. If I notice the bad thoughts, I can think rationally and stop them. When I don't do that, the wheels come flying off.

---

Therapy session if a few minutes and hanging out with a friend after.

Today was difficult. I finished my first pass of my deliverable and sent it for review. It felt good for all of thirty seconds, because I started to think about the next thing I had to do, and I was wondering if it's even billable or not. Should be better tomorrow, since I should have some feedback and some other work with the thing I sent out today. The stress had me constantly reaching for my phone today. 

Also, I was dumb and went on my phone last night after I shut down my laptop. Kinda defeats the purpose of turning off the laptop. However, I didn't go on my phone when I woke up this morning. I've been stringing a few days like this together and it feels good to do so. It's really hard not to go reaching for it besides turning the alarm off. I don't want to be known as the guy who wakes up sleep deprived, and spends an hour on his phone in bed before he starts every day. That's stupid. 

That's it. Adios.

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Today was a disaster similar to my April lockdown meltdowns, and this one is all my fault.

I've basically been working from home for the past week because I've been getting up late and it's easy to roll out of bed. Things were ok up through yesterday, but today I just wanted to mainline every little bit of the internet. If I had drugs, I'd probably do that too. The isolation, anxiety, shame,  and probably most importantly, fear I don't have what it takes to be an engineer, all came up today. I was on my phone for a lot of the day. I didn't eat well. I'm up late. I just don't want to feel anything right now. 

Big fix for tomorrow is going to the physical office. I can't mess around on the internet there. Data reception from my phone sucks in the office too. 

Also, big fix is to stop believing I can't do things. I thought I was getting better at moving away from those thoughts, but I guess staying at home for four days straight reverts me into a child again. Good to note. Honestly, I'm a bit surprised I lasted this long.

I'm going to just give tomorrow my best. Computer off now.

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Today was much better than yesterday. I actually went into work today and got a full day plus some extra in to make up for yesterday. I felt way better. My anxiety was still very high though. I was constantly reaching for my phone whenever I had a spare moment. It did hinder my productivity today somewhat, but nowhere near as bad as yesterday. It's progress. I thought I could work from home for long periods of time but turns out I still can't. Oops.

In light of that and against what I told myself, I booked a very early round of golf tomorrow. It will be good for my head even if I lose every ball. I won't though. I just want to have a good time and be social with some random people, and work on my social skillzzzz. 

I also attempted some Christmas shopping on the way home but couldn't find what I needed. Still, it was nice to be out and about. 

Computer (and phone) off early after this. I'm going to meditate and clean some. It will help me get back on the right path.

Tomorrow I need to be much more diligent about staying off my computer for sheer fun. I've been doing way too much of that. I can take a break from it and enjoy other things--I can't lose sight of that.

 

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Early post since I'm going off the rails a bit. 

Last night got a little distracted on my phone after my post when I went to check today's weather. Kind of stupid. I wasn't up super late though. 

Golf today was so brutal. I played yet another worst round ever. I tried to have as much fun as I could, but the guy I was paired up with just had a long phone conversation with someone for nearly the whole time he was there (only the first half). It was kind of a downer, but it was good practice at trying to temper down how annoyed I was since he was talking through every swing. I shouldn't get annoyed, and overall I did a better job, so that's good. 

The second half I started out solo and then merged with a group behind me when the group in front of me was going so slow. I continued to shank balls the whole time and I had no idea what I was doing wrong. The group was chill, but it was hard to be super charismatic when I was shanking 20+ shots in a row. I had to just pick up my ball a lot at this point since I didn't want to hold these guys up. 

Honestly, I just want to be able to hit the ball straight so I can play not super-embarrassing golf and make a few friends. That's it. I don't have many other social outlets anymore. I want one to just stick for once. This is probably the most frustrating part. It makes me feel alone and I hate it.

I have another lesson with my coach tomorrow which I can't cancel. I'm going to look for a new coach at this point since he A) doesn't know what's causing my issue yet, and B) seems focused on other parts of my game which are not as important to me not looking like an ass. Nice guy, but I honestly feel like I've gotten a lot worse since I started working with him. 

---

I will not let that ruin the rest of my day. I cannot drown myself in the internet like I was just about to. I'm going to do stuff that's going to make me feel good about myself--by doing the right things.

Game plan:

1) Change clothes and have a quick lunch without any phone/laptop.

2) Continue Christmas shopping.

3) Workout

4) Cook dinner.

5) Spend time on dating app.

6) Meditate.

That's better than watching random stuff on YouTube.

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Weekend recap:

Good:

  • Didn't let Saturday's golf ruin my weekend. 
  • Did a better job than usual with the internet this weekend. Compared to most weekends it was down a bit.
  • I worked out today! (Didn't get to it last night. Whoops...)
  • Got a lot of my chores done early. Not rushing late.
  • Got up early each day. 
  • Didn't go on my phone while in bed.

Not So Good: 

  • Had a mini meltdown while on the phone with my parents. Not mad at them, just really intense anxiety and overwhelm for a little bit. On the bright side, I didn't completely lose it and I got through it quick. 
  • Didn't use my dating apps. 
  • Was too lazy overall. I had 16 hours today and I could've accomplished a lot more.
  • Overall, I want to find more joy in doing something that improves my situation, rather than trying to "relax" with the internet. I'm getting better, but I still have a long ways to go.

That's it. Computer off.

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26 minutes ago, DaBest said:

Overall, I want to find more joy in doing something that improves my situation, rather than trying to "relax" with the internet. I'm getting better, but I still have a long ways to go

This is what I face too. Our brains have been so transformed/manipulated by games that we just accept any consumption thats thrown in our face. I don't think there is any way that i know of besides chipping away and reducing the amount of consumption we're doing.

I wish you luck on this

 

Jason

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@Jason70, it's hard replacing what it provides--easy dopamine and escape. For me, there's also a lot of other stuff that goes into it too. Good luck to you, bud. 

---

Today was stressful. I had a reasonably productive day at work, but there were a lot of moments where I got stuck with stuff I hadn't done since college. I felt way out of my league, and it stressed me out a lot. I've had a massive headache since then today. I was reaching for my phone a decent amount at work, and I constantly had to drive my anxiety down so I could focus. I have just been on the computer since I got home too, and my head is still throbbing a bit. 

I shouldn't have behaved like I had on the computer. Even though i should've turned off my laptop a few hours ago. I'm going to turn it off now and be productive even if only for a little while before I should go to bed. 

Tomorrow, I want to work out before I go on my laptop at all. That's what I'll use to replace the void.

I'm greatful for: my headache, pushing through, forgiveness.

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Good job taking small time to be productive. It's all about starting small and building up slowly. Baby steps for the win. Sorry you're dealing with a bad headache. I got one yesterday from work stress too. It's a struggle. Glad you're at a new job though and it's going reasonably well.

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