DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline

[DaBest 413]

Day 125 

No VG - 125 days, No SAH - 21 days, NF - 5 days (5/7), No SIB - 2 days (4/5)

Early post since I'm planning on going out later. 

I finally signed up for a new gym. Got a good legs/ab workout in. 

I'm procrastinating a bit from cleaning right now, so I'm doing a post to break the cycle.

[DaBest 413]

Day 127 

No VG - 127 days, No SAH - 23 days, NF - 7 days (FINALLY, 7/7), No SIB - 4 days (6/7)

Hit the dopamine button all weekend. A step back really. Found anything I could to distract my mind on the internet and keep me from reality. I don't feel very good for doing what I've done. I feel like the complete opposite of last weekend.

However, I did still hit the gym yesterday, though admittedly I left very late and had to cut the workout a little short. I also DID get ready to go out last night after that, but as I was about to leave, I realized the trains stopped a lot earlier than on a Saturday, so I was out of luck really. I was happy that I still got ready and was committed to going out until I realized how impractical it was at that time. Leaving "late" is one of my many hangups, so to have gotten the courage to still go, if it were still a Saturday night, is a nice step in the right direction. 

---Monthly review---

Here's a longer review of the past month.

This was a very stressful work month. I felt tired quite a bit. Mentally I felt frazzled for much of it. I noticed I was starting to get very angry and jaded at work. I'm feeling angry and jaded right now just thinking about it. I just want things to go right for a change. This next month I hope to complain less.

Socially, the month was a bit better too. Snagged my first date in a while. Used Tinder a bit more than usual. Organized an event on my own, which is a habit I need to cultivate more. I went out to a club again, too! I still have a long way to go in this department though.

As far as habits are concerned, I do think I saved a lot of time this past month from the no video game and no sports at home habits. I put a lot of that time to studying Japanese as a new hobby though, where really my order of hobbies should be something more like: gym-->social-->improv-->Japanese. In a way, it's become a bit of an escape, because the first three hobbies are way harder and draining, usually. This next month, my goal is to prioritize at least 2 out of the 3 per day, before moving onto Japanese.

Overall, I think last month was difficult, but still an improvement over the past few. I would not have handled it as well as I did had I not given up video games and sports.

[DaBest 413]

Day 128

No VG - 128 days, No SAH - 24 days, NF - 8 days (8/14), No SIB - 5 days (7/8)

Got up quick today despite staying up til 2:30 AM. I stayed up so late because I may have found a potential solution to hip problems I've been having for the past 12 years. I came across something online that made sense, even if the research isn't all there yet. This is a huge deal for me as a lot of suffering has been caused from not being able to be as active as I want. 

I have some chores I need to take care of and then I'm going to bed early.

[DaBest 413]

Day 129

No VG - 129 days, No SAH - 25 days, NF - 9 days (9/14), No SIB - 6 days (8/9)

Last night, I ended up doing a two hour routine on my hips after I finished my post, haha. Ironically, my back felt way better this morning when I got up. My hips felt better too, but that was a lot more subtle. Turns out my hip flexors are like piano wires, and that's a bad thing. This is going to require a lot of effort. I did still get a full eight hours of sleep though, so that made me happy.

I also realized that I've saved roughly an hour a day when I don't sit in bed on my phone or doing nothing. This has been good, as that means I don't skip breakfast and it also means I'm more likely to prepare my lunch for work. Saves me roughly $10-15 a day. I was throwing away so much money. I also get to leave earlier, which in a way is a positive, too. 

Quick post since I need to do more chores and stretch. 

[DaBest 413]

Day 130 

No VG - 130 days, No SAH - 26 days, NF - 10 days (10/14), No SIB - 7 days (9/10)

Not too much to report  for today. As tiring as it is to say over and over again, work is busy. I came to realize I might be working with a very manipulative person who can be quite dangerous. I need to keep my distance as much as possible. On the bright side though, I felt reasonably productive.

I also had a bit of an urge today to start checking NFL stuff since it's starting tonight. Maybe I'll go into the city on Sunday to catch a game.

Stretching is also going well. Very difficult, but I can feel a difference. I'm going to have to put a lot of hours into that.

[DaBest 413]

Day 133

No VG - 133 days, No SAH - 29 days, NF - 1 day (1/7), No SIB - 1 day - (11/13)

Bit of an up and down weekend and I'm very short on time right now. 

Friday, slept. So tired.

Saturday, started off very bad. Pulled it together after getting to the gym. Had a good improv show. Got home at 3:30 AM because I had to help a coworker after that.

Sunday, early (abrupt) gym sesh, great improv practice, chores. 

Need to sleep. Bye. Maybe I'll elaborate tomorrow.

[DaBest 413]

Day 136

No VG - 136 days, No SAH - 31 days (+1 test day). NF - 4 days (4/7), No SIB - 4 days (14/16)

Things have been very busy recently. I was very sleep deprived this whole week. Thankfully, my company had a barbecue today and I just skipped it for a 5 hour nap (glorious). 

Took a "test day" for sports on day 30. I did not go overboard this time, which is great progress. I felt boredom, and I felt like I was still just chasing away negative feelings and trying to escape. So I'm signing up for another thirty days of that.

I'm also quite proud of how little I've stayed in bed recently. I honestly don't know if I've ever been like this before. I've saved a lot of money and stress by doing so. 

I've also laid off the Japanese a bit recently because of how tired I was. I was concerned I was treating it like a video game, but that seems to have stopped because studying is much harder than vegetating in front of a TV/computer.

Going to focus on getting more sleep, going to bed now.

[DaBest 413]

Day 139

No VG - 139 days, No SAH - 34 days, NF - 7 days!!!, No SIB - 7 days (17/19)

I've been so busy recently that I haven't had much time to journal. I can finally sit for a few minutes so here goes. 

Work is a monster. I ended up responding to an emergency on Thursday that ended up going to 1 AM, and I wasn't even on-call. Yesterday, after I got home and took a nap, I found out another really bad thing happened at work and will eat up all of my time next week. It's a frustrating feeling as it stops me from working on what I really want to. That said, I think I handled the issues of this past week better--I don't think I complained as much.

I had a couple of urges to watch game VODs and sports recently, but I was able to dodge them. I didn't want to ruin my streaks, and I didn't want to waste my time. I'm realizing how much important my time is now. 

On the subject of time, I spent a good portion of it focusing on my health this week, which is good. I got to the gym TWICE during the work week which is something I haven't done in a long time, maybe even this whole year. Today I got a two hour hip workout in on top of an actual ab workout on top of that, and I'm feeling pretty good as a result. My hips are feeling a bit better while sitting, which is good, and I'm noticing less clicking and popping that I'm accustomed to. I'm starting to really getting into fixing my body from all the abuse I've caused it, which is great since the results are so tangible. 

I want to make sure I go out tonight. I ended up staying in last night. I need to make sure I start going on Friday's regardless of the situation of how tired I am and just sleep in on Saturdays. 

So I guess overall this week went pretty well, though there's still some areas for improvement.

 

[DaBest 413]

Day 140 

No VG - 140 days, No SAH - 35 days, NF - 8 days (8/14), No SIB - 8 days (18/20)

Last night was weird. I ended up ripping my main going-out shirt by doing a quick flex in the mirror before going out. Not even at the seam--in the middle by the elbow! I guess I am the Hulk.

Normally, I'd say this would be my excuse to stay in, but clearly I just needed to put on another shirt. Small problem. All my other going out shirts are in the laundry. At this point, I did a quick load of laundry, and I was out the door, though it took an hour. Once I got to the train, I discovered that several stations were effectively shut down for repairs, and that there was a much slower bus service going into the city. Given that it was very late at this point, I would've only been able to be at the club for about an hour. I didn't go because of this--and that was a DUMB decision.

In retrospect, I still should've went. An hour is better than nothing. I just got irrational in the moment. Next time, I will be prepared for that self deception.

Today went well enough though. I got up at a reasonable hour and got a ton of chores done before lunch. Had an improv practice that I bombed at, but I learned a lot from it so that was good. I felt very stifled, and I'll have to learn to get over that. Afterwards, I had a great workout at the gym. I had several moments today where I wanted to start checking my phone for sports stuff, but I was good and didn't break my streak. 

Anyway, I'm up a bit late because I was doing some medical research, so off to bed now. I will do better this week.

[DaBest 413]

Day 141 

No VG - 141 days, No SAH - 36 days, NF - 9 days (9/14),  No SIB - 9 days (19/21), [OMPM]

I got a lot done after work today. Funny how that happens when you have time.

Therapy, errands, dishes, workout, medical research, now journaling. To be honest though, this is burning the candle a bit at both ends. 

Had a very good therapy session today. Was reminded of how often I beat myself up and never take the time to build myself up. Ironically, when I think about it, in some ways I do less in terms of risk taking and true growth when I beat myself up and aim for perfect, and I spend almost zero time actually building myself up. If I were more confident in myself, I'd do a lot more and push myself more. 

So to that end I am going to start doing one minute of positive meditation every morning. By positive meditation, I mean spending a minute of time actually thinking about things that make me feel good about myself, even if it ends up being the same three things over and over again. I'll see if that fights the insecurity I have. The goal is going to be very small so I can make sure I stay consistent and to ingrain better thought loops. I'm only committing to thirty days as an experiment. This will also be the first time that I add something to my day instead of subtract, so that's cool too. 

Anyway, I REALLY need to go to bed. I'm going to have a late day at work tomorrow.

[DaBest 413]

Day 142

No VG - 142 days, No SAH - 37 days, NF - 10 days (10/14), No SIB - 10 days (20/22), OMPM - 1 day

Busy day at work--14 hours. 

Did my meditation this morning. Felt better for it. 

That's it.

[DaBest 413]

Day 144

No VG - 144 days, No SAH - 39 days, NF - 12 days (12/14), No SIB - 12 days (22/24), OMPM 1 day

Yesterday I was at work for 17 hours. However, I helped save a lot of money for the company, so that was good. It felt good to push through and be heroic for a change.

Had improv class tonight, felt a little more confident there than usual. 

Still really tired from yesterday, so I'm going to keep this short, but I am quite proud of my last 48 hours.

[Icandothis 296]

Congrats on all your progress! Reading your past couple of posts you have so much to be proud of!!!!?

Keep up the meditation! It really helps to recognize what thoughts are going through our mind!

Have a beautiful day!!!!

[DaBest 413]

Thanks @Icandothis!

Day 146

No VG - 146 days, No SAH - 0 days, NF - 1 day, No SIB - 1 day (23/26), OMPM - 3 days

Had a bit of an up and down 48 hours. Bit of a backslide, to be honest.

Sports have been hard to not follow given the time of year. I need to double down so I don't start wasting all my time. 

Went out tonight and was reasonably confident, really looking forward to going out, but when I got there, I felt so completely alone and was instantly stuck in my head. I spoke to no one and left. Really mad at myself right now. 

I felt so bad when I saw almost everyone there in a group of friends. I don't have that in my life and it wrecks me. When I was walking back to the train, I just saw groups of people everywhere--on the sidewalk, in restaurants, in bars---and I just felt so alone and heartbroken. I had a passing thought to throw myself in front of a bus.

I feel trapped in my own mind and stifled. I want to open up to the world, but part of me is so afraid to. I want to be able to approach people confidently and out of curiosity--not out for validation or any of that BS. And I was aware of that when I left my apartment tonight! And that was all gone in just a flash once I stepped inside. Approaching one person or two people is hard enough, let alone whole groups. I have no idea what I'm doing there.

This is how I feel right now, right or wrong.

On the bright side though, I got to experience a situation I was very uncomfortable with. I ran away, which is bad, but I'll be better prepared for that next time, and hopefully I'll catch my irrationality in the act.  I also was better prepared for this week, as all my going out shirts were cleaned yesterday! I also was dressed really well, and thought I looked pretty good before I left. 

I am not going to give up. I will overcome this.

[DaBest 413]

Day 148

No VG - 148 days, No SAH - 0 days, NF - 3 days (3/7), No SIB - 3 days (25/28), OMPM - 5 days

Today was busy. It's a work day. That's how things go.

Had an improv practice AND show on Sunday which greatly improved my mood. I needed to be around people. 

I'm enjoying the mini-meditations. It's good as it stops the overly-critical self-analysis for a little bit. This will be good for everything in the future, especially in going out.

Struggling hard with sports all of a sudden though. My goal for this now is one day.

[DaBest 413]

Day 154

No VG - 154 days, No SAH - 0 days, NF - 1 day, No SIB - 0 days (I messed this up quite a bit), OMPM - 1 day

This week was really hard. I was not disciplined. My sleep was all messed up this week, and I broke a lot of habits. I craved the computer and internet and escapism very badly. I caved big time. 

I barely left my house too. I have had very little energy to do much.

It's the silence when I come home and wake up that kills me. I hate being home and alone. I do need to sleep every night though, so I can't avoid it completely. 

For the rest of the night, I'm going to get off the computer, call home, take care of some errands and meditate a bit. This will be a good start to start bringing myself back up again.

[DaBest 413]

Day 155

No VG - 155 days, No SAH - 0 days, NF - 2 days, No SIB - 0 days, OMPM - 2 days

I got called into work at midnight last night, right before I was going to bed. Didn't get back until 4, so I am very tired today. Going to bed early. Discipline!

Also saw my therapist today. It was a helpful session, and I got a lot off my chest. I feel a bit better now.

[DaBest 413]

Day I don't know.

I'm struggling really, really hard right now. I just want to be numb forever. 

I've basically been trying to escape reality hardcore for the past few weeks. I go to work, go to therapy, go to improv, go home. When I get home, I tune out.  

This feels terrible. I'm always stressed, and it feels like my body wants to explode. 

This is a pathetic excuse for a post, but I'm going to try and get outside of my house in the next thirty minutes.

[BooksandTrees 1,323]

6 hours ago, DaBest said:

Day I don't know.

I'm struggling really, really hard right now. I just want to be numb forever. 

I've basically been trying to escape reality hardcore for the past few weeks. I go to work, go to therapy, go to improv, go home. When I get home, I tune out.  

This feels terrible. I'm always stressed, and it feels like my body wants to explode. 

This is a pathetic excuse for a post, but I'm going to try and get outside of my house in the next thirty minutes.

It's gonna be ok. You've been doing such a good job on your journey. Sometimes we hit these low points and life feels mundane or even a burden. You've transformed your life so much from previous habits. It's because you love yourself that you're making all of these changes in the first place. 

What seems to be going wrong at work and everything else? You don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable, but we are here and support you.

Take a walk, get some fresh air, and think about ways in the future that could possibly be better stress relievers. Maybe a boxing class or something to unload some anger?

[DaBest 413]

Day 183

No VG - 183 days

Thanks, @BooksandTrees. I appreciate the kind words. 

I think it's a couple of things. 

1) As a practical matter, I found a way to bypass my setup, which I just fixed. I hardly ever use incognito mode, but when I did,  I discovered all my extensions were disabled. That just made things easy to binge and do dumb stuff. I've been popping incognito tabs left and right for the past few weeks. I just found the options to enable those tabs while in incognito mode, so that should get better. This was pretty dumb on my part for not looking into that sooner.

2) As an American sports fan, October is primo sports season. I took some liberties with streaming quite a few events (thank you incognito tab once again). 

3) I fell back into bad habits and started numbing myself when alone or in silence. The worst is being at home, alone. I need to have a video playing, or a podcast, or music. or else my anxiety goes through the roof. It makes me feel less alone. 

4) Work is stressful and I knew the next few months were going to be super-mega crunch time. Things at work have not really been going well for anyone either. In fact, things are REALLY BAD at work. I can't go into more detail than that.

5) Due to some recent changes, I basically lost a friend group. Buddy of mine who I was close with had a baby, so not only is the group as a whole meeting less, but when they do meet, it's at someone's house who I've sworn I'd never set foot in again. I've been cordial towards this person in front of my other friends, but this person laid a knife on the back of my neck a few years ago, and if there were witnesses, I would've called the cops. I thankfully have been able to replace that with the improv team I joined, but still, it hurts to lose that since I was close with about everyone else. 

For one thing, I'm utterly amazed that I haven't consumed any video game content or played games during this time. It was the one thing I was deathly afraid of going back to, which should be the attitude I take to these other bad habits I try to put behind me. 

Right now, I'm hopeful the fix will get me back on the right track and clear up the mental headspace I need to keep fighting and not running away from my problems.

 

[goodvibes 161]

Stressful times call for a calming measure. Perhaps write a list of favorite activities or possible healthy activities that can help keep you grounded & balanced. Congrats 1/2 year no VG!

[Ikar 733]

Welcome back, good effort at staying away from games! Be easy on yourself, so you don't have to give in to the things you've defined.

[BooksandTrees 1,323]

13 hours ago, DaBest said:

Day 183

No VG - 183 days

Thanks, @BooksandTrees. I appreciate the kind words. 

I think it's a couple of things. 

1) As a practical matter, I found a way to bypass my setup, which I just fixed. I hardly ever use incognito mode, but when I did,  I discovered all my extensions were disabled. That just made things easy to binge and do dumb stuff. I've been popping incognito tabs left and right for the past few weeks. I just found the options to enable those tabs while in incognito mode, so that should get better. This was pretty dumb on my part for not looking into that sooner.

2) As an American sports fan, October is primo sports season. I took some liberties with streaming quite a few events (thank you incognito tab once again). 

3) I fell back into bad habits and started numbing myself when alone or in silence. The worst is being at home, alone. I need to have a video playing, or a podcast, or music. or else my anxiety goes through the roof. It makes me feel less alone. 

4) Work is stressful and I knew the next few months were going to be super-mega crunch time. Things at work have not really been going well for anyone either. In fact, things are REALLY BAD at work. I can't go into more detail than that.

5) Due to some recent changes, I basically lost a friend group. Buddy of mine who I was close with had a baby, so not only is the group as a whole meeting less, but when they do meet, it's at someone's house who I've sworn I'd never set foot in again. I've been cordial towards this person in front of my other friends, but this person laid a knife on the back of my neck a few years ago, and if there were witnesses, I would've called the cops. I thankfully have been able to replace that with the improv team I joined, but still, it hurts to lose that since I was close with about everyone else. 

For one thing, I'm utterly amazed that I haven't consumed any video game content or played games during this time. It was the one thing I was deathly afraid of going back to, which should be the attitude I take to these other bad habits I try to put behind me. 

Right now, I'm hopeful the fix will get me back on the right track and clear up the mental headspace I need to keep fighting and not running away from my problems.

 

I think the fact that you've stayed away from games is a testament to your growth as a human and you should be very proud of yourself. This is a huge development when you compare yourself to when you were trying to quit for the first time. 

I focused on quitting games, social media, and then browsing the internet, but can't quit porn at the moment. It's tough to manage the incognito things. Work will get better hopefully and if not you've got lots of power to change. When you feel like you're going nowhere just remember your progress and take time to gather yourself. 

[DaBest 413]

Day 184 

No VG - 184 days

Thank you all for your support guys. It's really nice to know that you all have my back despite us never having met before--you're all good people. 

Today has gone much better. Despite being on an hour of sleep to start the day, I still went to the gym early and pushed through. I then napped, went to practice, napped again, and did some cleaning. I can already tell that the fixes I applied to stop the incognito workaround are helping. For some reason, I'm really loath to loosen the settings for all the restrictions I've set up. There isn't much temptation to do that. 

I'm going to go do some rehab for my back, finish my laundry, and go to bed. Things feel like they're getting back to normal for once.

 

[DaBest 413]

Day 185

No VG - 185 days, No Sports news - 14 days left, Journaling - 14 days left.

Had therapy today. Came to a bit of an agreement with my therapist to start pulling myself out of the shit. 

Per my agreement from last week, I will not watch or read any sports stuff at home for the next two weeks. 

More importantly, we came to an agreement on four things that would make my life go better if I can improve them.

1) Fix my internet usage, so I can have time to focus on my problems. 

2) I would journal more often than I have been recently.

3) My apartment would be immaculate.

4) My social life would be better with more outlets than just improv. 

And after I left, I thought of 5) Competence in my job, or at least more able to handle the workload. 

So to start (assuming this weekend's fixes for the internet are effective), I'm going to also commit to journaling for 14 days straight. Nothing fancy, but just something that gets me focused on problem solving again. I'll take care of this first thing when I get home, like tonight.