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DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline

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Thanks @goodvibes and @Redmark, I appreciate the support!

Day 72

No VG - 72 day streak (80% to 90 days, wow)

No SAH - 2 day streak

100% clean today. Very busy. Got the lease signed today. Taking the no sports thing a day at a time. Tomorrow my goal is for three days (like it could be four, heheh.) 

Had improv class tonight, loitered around a bit after class. Didn't do so great tonight, but I learned a lot, I think. A ton of traffic coming back, so I just got home. 

I need some food and sleep.

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Day 73

No VG - 73 day streak

No SAH - 3 day streak

100% clean today. Today started out really rough. Found out I made a few mistakes/found out a few bad things happened outside of my locus of control this morning, and I became very frustrated and depressed. When I do wrong or make some kind of a mistake, I will self-flagellate to no end because my self-esteem isn't great right now. It's an affront to my competence,  as I know I'm at least decently intelligent, but when I don't feel intelligent I feel like I'm good at nothing, which can't be true at all. At one point I had to go to my car to just breathe, was nearly the second time I cried in a week. I haven't cried before this in over a year. It's shameful to admit, but man, it's the truth. It happened. 

However, after the pity party ended, I collected myself and got back to work. That's the only thing I can keep doing that will possibly help me. I'm frustrated in many areas of my life right now, especially now that I'm facing the facts and I'm not running away as much anymore. I put myself in a crap position, and I should feel bad about it, but I need to act on it and keep going.

Thankfully, after that episode, my mood leveled off a bit for the rest of the day, and despite being tired and not really wanting to go to the gym, I hit another bench press PR and overall had a good workout. I was oddly grateful for that. It was something. Some kind of an accomplishment. I've added 25 pounds to my bench press since starting up with the journal again. If I gave up on everything, I would've never done that. I would never see what I'd become.  It's amazing how shattered my self-esteem can be at times, and how much I'm willing to throw away just because I'm frustrated and a bit depressed. 

This therapist visit couldn't be better timed. My thoughts are not in the right spot right now. At least I got to experience pulling myself out of the pit today.

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Day 74 

No VG - 74 day streak

No SAH - 4 day streak

100% clean today, but I got an unexpected sports update listening to Bill Burr's podcast. I was driving and captive--not much I could've done about that. That doesn't break the streak as far as I'm concerned. 

I've drove home today for a cousin's wedding tomorrow. I'm happy for my cousin, but I'm a little embarrassed as they're younger than me by a few years. Ouch.

It's nice being home, but it took some time to adjust back to being with my folks. I was a little cranky from the drive. I'm also a little anxious for not being at work. I want to be refreshed when I get back to work so I can restart and redouble my efforts. These four days (or at least the first three of four) I want to be relatively free of work. I have enough other items to take care of as well.

As you can tell, my emotions are still a bit all over the place, but at least they're better than they were yesterday.

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Well, @fawn_xoxo, a couple of reasons. One, I'm a guy, and there's all the cultural stigma around that. I don't buy into it necessarily, but I don't doubt the influence of growing up in such a culture. Two, I don't necessarily have shame when crying about something sad, but when it's crying about being overwhelmed at work and life, it is not my preferred reaction. I want to become better at taking those emotions as fuel to keep fighting harder rather than giving up. The cry was something akin to self pity and starting on the path to giving up, which I don't want to do. I don't want to give up for myself, for my family, and for the people I support at work since there's a lot of responsibility for what I do. 

Day 75 (morning post)

No VG - 75 day streak

No SAH - 5 day streak

Quick post today since I have the wedding later. I just want to keep the streak going.

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Day 76 (morning post)

No VG - 76 day streak

No SAH - 6 day streak

100% clean. The wedding was great. Everyone had fun, and no one got too trashed. I also got to see a lot of family I don't see often, which was great. I got to see my two eldest cousins, who I rarely see anymore, but were like brothers to me growing up. It did make me kind of sad though to hear of so many people in our family moving to different states since the area is getting so prohibitively expensive to live in. Even my parents are considering the same. 

Another thing I realize is how much I crave family and community. I need to start building mine. I neglect people and relationships too much. I need to put in the work. 

I also was able to complete my sentence completions from The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem in the morning rather than at night, for the first time. This had a marked difference on the effect of the exercise, and as a result, I made better decisions throughout my day.

Anyway, I might go out with my parents earlier in the day, and then I'm going to meet up with at least one of my cousins later, so early post. 

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Day 77 (yet another morning post)

No VG - 77 day streak

No SAH - 7 day streak

100% clean. Had a dream of installing and playing several different video games this morning. Nice try brain. I've also had some urges to check sports sites but have been busy so I haven't really had the opportunity to. Boredom is a trigger I guess.  

Saw my cousin and his wife and kids yesterday. We had a nice dinner. I got home pretty late from that. 

Also, I have to leave for home, and start preparing for this week today. It's going to be a long drive. I'm probably not getting back until late nor am I going to want to post afterwards, so here we are again. Hopefully today goes well, too.

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