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NannerZ

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About NannerZ

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  1. Day 75: July 19, 2019 My illness is definitely in remission, felt better today than I have in a week, so I think another day or 2 and I should be 100% again. Spent some time reflecting on yesterday's negative emotions today. I understand why I felt the way I did. It's hard some days to keep grinding, keep working, stay focused, and motivated when nothing seems to change. The only person holding me accountable is myself and all I've ever done is let myself down. But I know what's in the rear view mirror.. a never ending cycle of self loathing. I'm done with that. I don't want to do that anymore, I want to do something great. I know there will be emotional and challenging days ahead, I must rise above them and become the best version of myself. On a positive note, I used some of that negative emotion I was feeling and tried channeling it towards my goals today, and I had my best health day in weeks. Had 3 healthy meals and snacks, while drinking plenty of water. Now I just need to maintain this level moving forward. Meal prep has been crucial and there's no way I could do this without planning meals ahead of time. Anyway, It was just one day... don't want to get too excited. Onward I continue 100 pushups a day counter: 15 no fap: 14 days
  2. Thanks for the support fawn. I honestly haven't taken care of myself so well in many years. It's surprising on many levels for me. I used to run away from my emotions and bury myself in games so I didn't have to face how unfulfilled and unhappy I was. Now that I've removed games, I have all these emotions I can no longer bury and they can be intense sometimes. Intense emotions combined with my low self esteem / self worth issues and it can make for tough days sometimes. I'm reluctant to post all my feelings most of the time because I just feel shame / embarrassment. Thank you for your advice. This journey I'm on is brand new to me, I've never done anything like this before and everyday presents a new challenge. Everyday I learn something new. Letting go of the negative self talk may be one of my biggest challenges but I'm trying a little each day.
  3. Day 74: July 18, 2019 I'm a bit emotional today. I don't like to journal when I'm feeling a little emotionally overwhelmed because I tend to overreact or be excessively dramatic. I don't want to start missing too many entries though so I thought I should at least write some stuff down. I'll be vague and not get too deep. What's got me down? Girl stuff. I thought I had a good thing going and now I think it's probably not gonna happen. Sigh. I just don't know if it's ever going to happen for me. Feels hopeless. On the plus side, I'm feeling better today. My cold is definitely on the way out of my body now which is great news. I think a few more days and I'll be back to normal. Health stuff is still going well but not as good as I want it to. I blame most of it on being sick this week. I want to kick things up to insane levels of commitment in the very near future. I want to use all this energy and emotion I've bottled inside me and channel it towards something that will actually help me. Something that I can actually be proud of. Cutting it short now. Before I say something I'll regret when I reread this later. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. 100 pushups a day counter: 14 no fap: 13 days
  4. Day 72: July 16, 2019 Still some kinks in my programming preventing me from having 'perfect' days but still doing a really good job. I'm still quite sick which is making all of this harder than it needs to be. My nose is burnt from all the tissues I've had to use. Being sick is the worst ugh, hate it so much. I've got another day off tomorrow. Hopefully I start to feel better because I really want to step things up a notch if I can. The plan for tomorrow assuming I feel up for it is a gym trip, 3 healthy meals + snacks, meal prep, and maybe a small grocery trip if I've got the time. 100 pushups a day counter: 12 no fap: 11 days
  5. Day 71: July 15, 2019 Today was a good day for progress. Cooked 3 healthy meals and found time for 80 minutes of walking plus cardio and a light biceps and shoulder routine at the gym. And I did all this while being sick. Sinuses have been acting up all day which has been annoying. If everyday were like today, I have no doubt that in a few months I'll have lost all the excess weight I've wanted to lose for 10+ years. My goal is to be in the best shape of my life by Christmas. That should be very attainable if I can sustain this level of commitment. Didn't get up to anything else exciting today, just some boring house stuff. Should be another simple day tomorrow, I have a 5 hour evening shift which should be cake. Excited about the future. I won the day 100 pushups a day counter: 11 No fap : 10 days
  6. You ARE an addict. Most of us here are. If you want to stop doing something and you don't have the power to stop yourself from doing it, you are an addict. The sooner you identify yourself as an addict the sooner you can take steps to break your addiction. For me this was a very important distinction in my personal journey. My advice is to create the greatest distance you can between you and games. You need to delete the games off your laptop today. Remove all games from your environment. Try having a serious talk with your bf and explain that you can't be around video games when you are together. He doesn't need to stop gaming, just no games when you are spending time together. Don't talk about games while together also. That shouldn't be too much to ask for. Being surrounded by triggers for your addiction is kind of a bad idea and one day you will relapse. Hope that helps, best of luck 😃
  7. NannerZ

    Journal

    I can only give you my personal opinion based on my personal experiences. You know you, you know your triggers and how your brain works. Once every 2 weeks or so I'll have friends over at my place and we do play some couch co-op games together and it's a lot of fun. And then when they leave, I uninstall the games and forget about them. It hasn't been an issue for me personally. I also experienced a relapse about 40 days in where I played a game on my PC I didn't get around to deleting and it stole a week from me. At the time I justified it by saying I was going thru a lot of stress right now (changing jobs, personal life issues) and this would ease my stress. Thankfully I haven't gone back in 30+ days since. You're playing with fire here, and I would urge you to take it very seriously. There's been studies done on recovering gambling addicts and simply the sound of lottery machines trigger intense cravings. I know that for me personally I have a really bad case of the "all or nothing" mentality. I can't play a game casually for fun, I have to be awesome at it, I have to be the top player each time. I hate to lose. And when I lose it just makes me want to play more and get better so that I won't lose again. Cam talks about this when he relapsed with Starcraft. You do what you think is right, you know yourself best.
  8. Day 70: July 14, 2019 Nothing too exciting to talk about regarding the last 2 days. Small mistakes were made but overall still doing a really good job. I weighed myself this morning and I lost another pound. That's 12.1 lbs since May 6th (Day 1 of my personal detox) I weighed in at 179 lbs which is also the lightest I've weighed in since July 2014. Not forgetting that halfway thru this detox I completely fell off the wagon in regards to health. I went ham eating junk food on a nearly daily basis for 3 weeks. With that in mind it feels even better. According to an online weight calculator I just used; based on my height I'm still 25lbs overweight. It's not discouraging, it's exciting. I get to lose 25 more pounds and continue my journey to become a new me, a better me. It's a rewarding journey and I'm enjoying it more every day. I've got 2 of the next 3 days off work and its only a 5 hour shift, so I should have plenty of free time in the short term. The goal is to follow my meal plan and hit the gym at least twice in 3 days. I'll spend some time doing stuff around the house as well as some studying and personal errands. Maybe I can go golfing with my roommate? I haven't mentioned it mostly because I didn't want to but I've started the no fap thing again and I'm up to 9 days clean. I watched a few youtube vids about it and I think I want to try it out for awhile. I believe that for me personally this could be beneficial and I'm going to try to keep this going for awhile. The cravings for it are much worse than gaming lately but I must push forward. 100 pushups a day counter : 10 No fap : 9 days
  9. Day 68: July 12, 2019 Not much on my mind at the moment. The last 2 days have been mostly good health wise with a couple of mistakes but nothing like what I was doing a week+ ago. I'm a little sick now which is annoying. I caught it from my roommate who's been sick for a week. Thankfully I noticed my throat seizing up a couple nights ago and just started pounding meds because I really really don't want to get sick right now and it appears to be a pretty minor illness so far. Did meal prep today and some grocery shopping so I'm all set for the next 4-5ish days. Don't miss gaming at all, I've got too much else to occupy myself with now. Not much else to say, just wanted to get an entry in since I missed yesterday. 100 pushups a day counter: 8
  10. @Ambassador More wisdom from Ambassador the wise. Thanks for the knowledge bomb. This is how I try to view it now as best as I can. Thanks again. Day 66: July 10, 2019 Still going very strong with my new health and fitness goals. Today could have been a misstep but I rose to the challenge. My day begun by being awoken by my phone ringing.. it was work. I was asked to come in for 6 hours, I accepted. I had planned for today to be a 'get some shit done' day. I was going to buy some groceries, do some meal prep, crush a big gym sesh, and study. Now I had to throw most of those plans away on short notice. This is the kind of thing that can break a great streak but I was determined not to let that happen. I had enough time to prep myself a bunch of fruit for lunch and knew I had a chicken meal left for dinner from my last meal prep session. Success! I avoided the temptations and even found time in the evening for a very quick gym sesh where I did 30 mins of cardio and my 100 pushups. My social game has soared in the past few weeks. Reading "The Game" was helpful. Just a couple months ago I was so lonely I actually broke down a few times. There was an entire week where the only people I spoke to were my roommate and my mother. Now I have the confidence to talk to anyone, it's so satisfying. I never knew how important being social was to me until now. I actually stayed 30 mins after my shift today to talk to this girl at work on her lunch break because we just couldn't stop talking. The conversation was natural and fun. I told myself I would work on my social game and I'm really happy with the results so far in such a short amount of time. I won the day 100 pushups a day counter: 6
  11. Day 64: July 8, 2019 I viewed today as my first real challenge since I had my small relapse of 5 days approx 30 days ago. I also happened to go back to my old job right around the same time so they are likely directly correlated. The shame of the relapse combined with suddenly having 37+ less hours a week to work on myself caused me to fall away from the other goals I had in my life, especially my health and fitness goals. But I've built up some momentum the past few days. Planning and scheduling my free time has been a wise move as I generally know what I should be doing with my free time. I can't believe how for years and years of my life I never did anything like this.. any free time at all would just go towards gaming by default. What a shame, what a waste, sigh. I accomplished nearly all of my goals for today. Cooked 3 healthy meals for myself and brought healthy snacks to work. Left my credit card at home as an insurance policy in case I got cravings for junk food, thankfully I did not need it today. Also got my 100 pushups in. Logged my meals into myfitnesspal. The only thing I'd like to improve on for tomorrow is to find time to go to the gym. Otherwise, I killed it. And probably the best part was this girl I've been interacting with a bunch at work told me she "likes" me and wants to hang out next week. I've been reluctant to talk about it on here because I wasn't sure how she felt and didn't want to get too excited only to realize I jumped to conclusions. As I did something very similar very recently. Not sure exactly what "hanging out" means yet also but I'm looking forward to it regardless. Finally, some good stuff is actually happening to me. I won the day 100 pushups a day counter: 4
  12. I'm definitely the same. Don't get me wrong I've definitely gone thru a few gaming phases where I played a bunch of online shooters and an mmo for 2 years but I rarely interacted with others on voice chat or anything like that. I would just keep to myself and enjoy my experience solo. I would also consider myself a loner in my personal life, however I have made significant progress on that aspect in my 60+ days on the detox so far. I just wanted to let you know there are others who've had a similar experience. I also wondered if there were other gamers like me who didn't really game for the social aspect.
  13. Congratulations man! I've enjoyed following along with your journey. Happy for you. Looking forward to hear about the next 90 and beyond.
  14. Day 63: July 7, 2019 Sundays are tough for me to eat great on as I usually visit my mom and she cooks too much food. But I did the best I could today. After 5 nights of great sleep and starting to believe I might be past my sleeping issues, I got maybe 3 hours of crappy fragmented sleep last night because I had anxiety about having to get up so early. Despite the lack of sleep and the early wake up for work, I still managed to hit the gym today and get a good sweat going while crushing my 100 pushups. Sitting here now and I just feel good. I'm so relieved.. I think I just might have steered this ship back on course. But the part I'm most excited for is starting fresh tomorrow. I'm all set with meal prep and have scheduled multiple workouts in my google calendar for next week. I'm going to log my meals on myfitnesspal, I need to be accountable for what goes in my body. I really need/want this week to be productive and successful. I want to feel good about my life again. I need something positive to drive me forward towards my goals and dreams. Brighter days await me, I know it. 100 pushups a day counter: 3
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