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Destoroyah's Meltdown


destoroyah
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@Csaba_Bekesi I'm an outsider. I live together with 2 guys, one of them has no awareness, memory and no empathy. The other is like a kid. I'm like their mother and father in one, and I "manage" everything here, because I keep all the contracts and financials down. I keep it democratic, but sometimes I need to decide on matters. I have no one to fall back on, sometimes the burden is too heavy to carry and I fall into a "no one gives me anything" rage. Even though I lashed out in the above text – I am usually very kind to them, or at least "firm". I write the thoughts down, to cast them away, to criticize myself as objectively as I can.

Regarding the points you made, you might be right about having to be more open to new people and being less focused on them "giving" me. But the problem I face in my reality that I have no one that backs me. No one tells me that I do well, I get no feedback, and if I do, it is from sources that I am managing – so I need to doubt them at all times because in 50% of the cases it is unjustified or wrong (and I need not only doubt them but also myself in my judgement).

I am not insecure, I don't struggle with accepting myself. I am as "man" as I can be, but I am alone against many. They all got girlfriends and family to back them – I don't. I can't consult anyone, because my matters are... well my friends are all not in the same position as me, so they can't consult me. If they ever go against me, they can draw energy from their girlfriends and relatives – I only got this.

I may never cry. I may never scream. I may never say "I don't know" or "I can't do this" – or this ship sinks. It's psychologically deeply rooted in being the child of an alcoholic parent, something I may never fix. Not even if I have a person to "lean" on, I would crush them. I must take the hit. I must take it. I must be strong enough not to flinch. I must remain standing whatever the fuck happens, because I am the first and last bastion. It all results from "no one may ever find out my mom's a drunk to maintain a "normal" life, even if she yells at me.", and goes well with a pinch of megalomaniac. I relentlessly keep myself in check though with Music, Sports and Art. I need that as not to explode.

But you are right, I must be aware and not heed negative thoughts. No matter how hard it gets, I shall never blame other people, because once I do – I destroy them because I don't know when it's enough, because I have no way to assess "normality". Luckily that has rarely happened, and when it does – I have trained myself to not take revenge, and just abort contact. Resulting in me being a fucking outsider. 

My inability to assess normality also allows me to go all out, which is a bonus. But yea, I'm fucking stupid. I've grown to be like this and... I've grown to live with it. It's actually kind of interesting.

HMMMMMMM. Now how do I fix that? Can I even? I am growing weary... tired. And whenever I am about to die, someone random comes along and says "whoa dude, you're crass man!" and I'm back on my feet.

Now I've written down all these aspects, and I know every single one of them well. Chances are, I know them so well and keep them so well in check, that they don't even "exist" anymore in my outside personality. All that is left is that little freak in my head, that I occasionally unleash in my journal – my inner "child", that is always yelling and crying, because I never had the chance to.

It's like I'm not even there. I'm just a defensive spell cast by a passerby – or my past self.

Edited by destoroyah
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@destoroyah I know what it's like to feel like an outsider. Felt that way all of my life, with only my parents as people that I feel are unconditionally there for me. Can't complain too much though, two people is enough to be grateful for the rest of my life. I've met many other people where I've had either deep, but limited connections (they were always busy) or shallow and long-term (hung out together, but we didn't fully understand each other and would eventually have a falling out). In many ways I could be happy with those interactions for the rest of my life. I'm fairly good at gaining them. Having a willingness to listen and a few common interests/activities makes it easy to form them. That intimacy and depth is still lacking though. And being like you, wanting more, I couldn't stop there.

In that vein, Csaba is right that eastern philosophy would be one route that could help you here. Being more present and diminishing the sense of self and its desires would free you of loneliness. That might not fit with your life goals though. I can respect that. Ultimately, how we package philosophy is a bunch of extraneous bullshit. It's ultimately just a path to being at peace with yourself. When you live authentically and love yourself, the loneliness can't bite. You feel free to be joyful and love other people, and positive people begin to flock around you. The great thing is that whether they stay or leave, you aren't affected too much, because the inner peace/love is still there.

So what I've said so far probably comes across as hippie nonsense. If so, that's fine. I'll now attempt to explain why its not. I can completely relate to what you said yesterday in reference to the person you show on the outside being very different from the one within. This gap between the two is why we feel misunderstood and alone. We shield our authentic self because of the pain we received when we revealed it in the past, but at the same time we wish that people could see past our shield and accept us for who we are. As I transition phases in my life I've been taking the time to come to terms with my past, heal from it, and unleash my inner child. The child that smiles at strangers, enjoys making stupid jokes with friends, and has a life goals and philosophical ideas that don't make too much sense to the people around him, and yet he doesn't care because they are important to HIM and that is enough.

If anything from that last paragraph resonated, I highly recommend reading Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. I'm reading through it now and I've found some ground breaking insights within. Fair warning: 10% of it delves into new age stuff I don't really agree with, but the other 90% is so outstanding and ties right into neuroscience that gladly overlook that. It's all about reprogramming the brain to release the emotional trauma from the past and then replace it in whatever form you wish.

Anyway, I hope some of that was useful for your situation. Otherwise, I apologize for rambling. Hey, and it sounds like you don't have a lot of people to talk to. Having people there for me in that way has been invaluable. If you ever want to, feel free to send me a private message and we can set up talking on Skype sometime.

I hope you get back to being your usual demon slaying self soon, my friend; stronger than ever.

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You can't like everyone. That's for sure. I think you already know that. But that doesn't mean you have to hate everyone. My school is ripe with douchebags. My father was a bit of a douchebag. But I can't live my life wallowing in hate- it just eats away at you. I've found it's enough to get me through the pain just understanding people. You don't have to like them; you don't have to be nice to them; just know that they've probably been fucked in some way just like you have. You don't even have to talk to them about it. Just watch and listen. Soon it all just goes away and all you see is the person. Sure they might piss you off again in future- they probably will. But, this is just a little method of dealing with dumb cunts without getting your knickers in a twist. Try it!

You won't be in this position all your life. Soon the universe will unfold and you will find what you've been looking for. I believe that will happen. I believe in fate. I believe that our individuality moulds the world around us; as a factor in our destinations. Soon your form will pierce through the veil of chaos and you'll find what you have been seeking. The moudling of your form precipitates change. Like you said I will find friends if I expand my repetoire; you can find someone by opening your heart perhaps?

Yea, I know that sounds pretty gay! But it might be what you're lacking. All those years being alone and fucked up- you learnt to form a carapace around your soul. I don't know how you can break it. I don't know if you can. But if this is your issue: try. Mould your form. If it end up shitty who cares. Keep doing it and something will happen.

Don't bother with your flatmates- well you could- but I don't think they would understand. With someone you trust- try and speak softly about something personal to you (in person). Just for a little bit. Be sincere and watch them. If you don't have anyone you can trust then that's the first hurdle!

Edited by Schwing
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Thank you all for the advice.

It's good to see that you guys care.

I will sort this shit out somehow – give me some time.

Edited by destoroyah
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Hey there. It si a good thing that you share your problems. It seems like you feeling afraid to let someone near you and thats why your brain focusses on their bad attributes. One Thing you could try is to find one little thing every day which is good at the people around you. Start small with things like they leave you alone if oyu tell them too or smth like this.

I hope you figure this out but I would advice you to see a psychiatrist. It is ok to seek help. We are all human beeings and we all feel like crap if we are alone and have noone to rely on. A psychiatrist will show you the flaws in your thinking from an objective point of view. Just try it out. If it is shitty/unhelpfull you can still stop. We tend to just evade the things which could be the most helpful. And I saw many People greatly benefit from going to a professional. Just because it feels bad to admit that you need help that is no reason at all not to seek it out. 

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@WorkInProgress I feel offended by that suggestion, you can't just come out of the blue and say that. You don't know what situation I am in. Working my job fulltime this month – because my colleague broke his leg/knee, and studying at the same time, failing exams and no one to cover my back. It'd get anyone to his limits, if you add the housekeeping. I can't retreat to my parents. My flatmates are nice but they're kind of "not grown up" at the same time. It's comparable to being a single mom with a job, I have like 45 free minutes per weekday if I want to live healthy. That is not enough time to sort my thoughts.

Don't "go to psychiatrist" me, if I were in a situation grave enough – I wouldn't be chillin' on these forums. That is just about the worst thing anyone could say to me, spiting doubt in my own psychological integrity. Bah. If I were depressed – OK. If I wrote about suicide – OK. Obviously you haven't understood what I have been doing up there, I was analyzing myself on a deep level.

I would daresay it requires a shitload of psychological integrity to even do that.

I know you just rushed out "from the blind" – and that's cool, it's good to have you back, but you need to check up on people before you write. Stop being an idiot. No hard feelings, and I don't give a shit.

Edited by destoroyah
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@WorkInProgress I feel offended by that suggestion, you can't just come out of the blue and say that. You don't know what situation I am in. Working my job fulltime this month – because my colleague broke his leg/knee, and studying at the same time, failing exams and no one to cover my back. It'd get anyone to his limits, if you add the housekeeping. I can't retreat to my parents. My flatmates are nice but they're kind of "not grown up" at the same time. It's comparable to being a single mom with a job, I have like 45 free minutes per weekday if I want to live healthy. That is not enough time to sort my thoughts.

Don't "go to psychiatrist" me, if I were in a situation grave enough – I wouldn't be chillin' on these forums. That is just about the worst thing anyone could say to me, spiting doubt in my own psychological integrity. Bah. If I were depressed – OK. If I wrote about suicide – OK. Obviously you haven't understood what I have been doing up there, I was analyzing myself on a deep level.

I would daresay it requires a shitload of psychological integrity to even do that.

I know you just rushed out "from the blind" – and that's cool, it's good to have you back, but you need to check up on people before you write. Stop being an idiot. No hard feelings, and I don't give a shit.

I don't think that you are crazy, I don't know you good enough. I didn't think a lot about the negative implication of that suggestion and it didn't even came to my mind that it could offend you with that comment if I am quite honest. I am sorry that I offended you. I read what you wrote since I left before I wrote my comment. I agree with you that analyzing yourself is a great step. I just don't think that you have to be "crazy" to go to a psychologist. It is helpfull to share your thoughts with someone on a regular basis especially if it is someone objective. In my opinion it is totally ok to use a psychiatrist for this if you feel psychologically down. And you wrote by yourself that you considering to see a shrink but are shying away from the idea because you would feel challenged by someone trying to "treat" you.

 I just tend to be a bit hasty with that suggestion because I have friends who greatly benefited from going to a psychiatrist and so many people shy away for it because they are ashamed of labelling themselves mentally ill. And exactly because I don't know you I went wiht the "better safe then sorry" attitude  . I repeat for emphasize that it I didnt' want to imply that you are crazy or have mental problems (there is no way for me knowing if this assumption would be true). But in the same way I can't know if you  don't have such problems. 

I also have to admit there is a great possibility that I am wrong in the assumption that trying out going to a psychologist can only have positive or neutral outcomes. If I think a harder about the subject it could definitely have bad consequenced to go to a shrink. It could  leave you feeling ill/crazy even if you don't have any problems. This is definitely a thing to consider (which I haven't at my comment).

I just saw you struggling and wanted to point out that professional treatment is something to consider (because so many people shy away from it so fast not because it is the only or the best option). I hope you are working your stuff out. Best of luck to you. And thank you for welcoming me back. Really appreciated that you thought of that even if I offended you wiht ym suggestion

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ENTRY #46:

Still alive. I finally got thru work phase, now I only need to accomplish what a single person can accomplish and it feels like a vacation.

I've gone back to gaming, due to the stress I've had, it really took me down. I'm recovering now, and my priority isn't to stop gaming, but to not fall over.

I've kept up my training though, albeit all that shit, and I've improved on many levels. Haven't felt like drawing though.

Guess it is hypocritical to keep posting as a gamer, that's why I haven't posted for a while, and because of the shit I was writing – it felt as if writing about my mind actually amplified negative thoughts, so I'll keep it short and simple in order to reset myself. I guess it is necessary and I should see my limits.

I'll be back. I intend to quit gaming someday again, but currently I need to set other priorities – and it hasn't made a huge impact, I feel okay with it currently, sticking to NES games and Puzzle genre, though I just ordered a Switch.

Heh. Pretty stupid, but looking forward to playing it, despite everything. I guess when I catch myself procrastinating – I might wake up again. But I haven't so far.

Edited by destoroyah
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You have goals and you're consciously thinking about them and posting about them here. Sounds like you're on the right track to me. Oftentimes we can only focus on energies on so many things, and it sounds like you're focusing on what is most important right now. 

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  • 2 months later...
  • 2 weeks later...

ENTRY #49:

Sleep deprivation makes happy.

Sleep deprivation makes inadequate, just ask fighter pilots. From my own experience I tend to agree that sleep deprivation is in many ways similar to being under influence.

Props for bouncing back and having staying power. Thank you for returning to the community and best of luck on your journey.

Edited by Vlad
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ENTRY #50:

Usually my hatred is the only thing that gets me moving and keeps me going no matter what. Is that despicable? Is that disturbed?

I stopped giving a shit a long time ago. I stopped caring whether or not my motivation is founded in "good character". The worse my reason was, the better. My inner ugliness has always kept me grounded with this earth. By stopping my self denial have I become an animal, but at least I am unstoppable and I will not falter. I will never die.

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  • 2 weeks later...

ENTRY #51:

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that I'm an idiot. Then again... I'm pretty sure he wouldn't listen and ruminating isn't one of my good sides.

I shredded my exams with As and Bs – pretty good, huh? Then again... I'm overdue to accomplish something.

Training has become tough, I lost 16,6666% of my power. Brutal.

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@Mettermrck Weightlifting and stuff. I had been sick a couple of weeks and have been struggling getting back into it. I had a tough time, as I was writing exams while being ill (the results are actually quite admirable considering the circumstances – I was also coping with other trouble at two fronts at the time). Now it seems, my body is taking all the rest it can get. I'm always hungry and always tired. Time goes by in an instant, everything is moving so fast.

I guess it's okay to float in the ether a couple of weeks, nevertheless I gotta keep grounded, vigilant and things in check. Who knows when new shit will hit the fan.

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ENTRY #50:

Usually my hatred is the only thing that gets me moving and keeps me going no matter what. Is that despicable? Is that disturbed?

I stopped giving a shit a long time ago. I stopped caring whether or not my motivation is founded in "good character". The worse my reason was, the better. My inner ugliness has always kept me grounded with this earth. By stopping my self denial have I become an animal, but at least I am unstoppable and I will not falter. I will never die.

Man, in my experience, any motivation is good motivation, at least for a while. If you ask yourself that question it probably means you genuinely care about not being a psycho or an asshole, so you should be fine. Fear, anger, pride, revenge, are like anaerobic fuel. A surge, an explosion of emergency energy. Survival mode. Motivation, purpose, making an impact, those are long-term, the foundation of lasting happiness. I'm not even saying those are better, you'll have to choose depending on the situation. Sometimes you have to survive, sometimes you have to thrive. 

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ENTRY #50:

Usually my hatred is the only thing that gets me moving and keeps me going no matter what. Is that despicable? Is that disturbed?

I stopped giving a shit a long time ago. I stopped caring whether or not my motivation is founded in "good character". The worse my reason was, the better. My inner ugliness has always kept me grounded with this earth. By stopping my self denial have I become an animal, but at least I am unstoppable and I will not falter. I will never die.

Man, in my experience, any motivation is good motivation, at least for a while. If you ask yourself that question it probably means you genuinely care about not being a psycho or an asshole, so you should be fine. Fear, anger, pride, revenge, are like anaerobic fuel. A surge, an explosion of emergency energy. Survival mode. Motivation, purpose, making an impact, those are long-term, the foundation of lasting happiness. I'm not even saying those are better, you'll have to choose depending on the situation. Sometimes you have to survive, sometimes you have to thrive. 

Yea. Thinking only bogs you down and turns you into a burden. By worrying about being a good person, you might actually turn into an annoying person that has a bad effect. I stopped caring. I discarded my ideals and morals - not to break them or act against them, but to move freely. I just don't care anymore, because it isn't always up to me how I act. It isn't up to me to judge myself and set the standards. A good day makes me smile, and a bad one lash out in anger - not like I chose the circumstances. My hands are of much more use now. People that still have the morals and ideals are brooding trouble and conflict. Not just brooding it, but unearthing anything to find it and have an argument about something that doesn't fucking matter if you take it down to the scope where you are at. The kitchen or your workplace is more of a matter of cockroaches and dishes than CO2 emissions. They always get busy attempting to make the people around themselves look bad, and if they can't then they will find a reason why they are acting better.

Fuck that. In my eyes they haven't suffered enough pain to see the world as it is. Gray - not black and white. They are stuck in a candy-dream spoiled rotten. Psh. If they ever seek me out, I usually tell them "You shouldn't waste your precious time on me, you should seek out people that haven't yet given up their ideals, hopes and dreams." - they usually take that as a compliment with a lot of positivity and leave, when in fact I was actually throwing a curveball at their fucking face with +10 years experience.

Surely, if you lead an enterprise you should put thought into it - but a normal person is sufficient by putting their waste in the trashcan and using a condom.
Don't be grand. Don't be a special snowflake. Always attempt to solve your own idiocy.

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  • 4 weeks later...

ENTRY #52:

I don't have time to finish my bachelor, because my part time job is getting in my way. That fucking sucks and it's making me mad. I need the cash though.

By the end of the year they will replace my position with a fulltime position, I have shown no interest in taking that position, because I don't want to be stuck in that kind of work. It's really stressful and it has nothing to do with engineering. I have to be nice to people. I'm worried about shit, but... ach, I will find a way. Evil never dies, and so I will survive. Creeping. Crawling like a parasite. Infesting shit and consuming it.

I will miss my colleagues and I feel bad about being replaced. I don't want to be replaceable, I want to be special and shit - like everyone else. I have come to realize though, that I have never been replaced. My place has always been with me, and if I was somewhere else, so I have moved my place there. I never want to be missed, that would defeat my purpose. I am here to consume all that is bad. Be a scapegoat and whatnot. A monolith, a bad example, or whatever. My presence makes them feel better. They can focus their unease at me and it gives them something to stand and unite against. And I can take it. I can take it all, because I am already dead. My colleagues have never made me feel that way though, so I guess I might actually miss them. They managed to see some quality in me – or something. Damn, still an idiot. What the shit, do I have a martyr complex? Sheesh. I will take my shit and go, no problem, and I won't be missed, I will make my path the path you will gleam at with jealousy. To prevail. I will embrace my aggression like floating on an ocean. I will be carried forever.

I fucking hate people. People are like a bad habit. They waste my time, but I need them or something. People. 

 

I feel the urge to consume eternal darkness. Breathing in a vacuum to satisfy my hunger. Infinite space, within my heart. No world can fill that gap, no soul can survive its emptiness. I have become one with it. I am what I fear. I am relentless and I will never die. Like cancer. I will consume everything and unite it.

Edited by destoroyah
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