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Csaba_Bekesi

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About Csaba_Bekesi

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  1. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Schwing's Return to Gaming   

    Hey man! 
    Enjoy yourself. If you need to come back like I did there is no shame in it. Just remember that. Games are truly fine in moderation, but only when you have completely abandoned your compulsions. I hope you did  Have fun, and keep going! 
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  2. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Day 0. 
    I'm doing a 30 day cleanse. 
    I feel disconnected from reality stronger than before. 
    I might need to repeat this year of uni because after my 90 I decided to allow myself full escape through games. 
    This is ruining me. 
    I'm not angry at myself. I'm not even disappointed. Those feelings would be useless, also, the solutions were beyond me. 
    But they are no longer beyond me. I have them in my hand. It is my choice to exercise them. 
    The chimp paradox is a really good book. I can only recommend it. The best one I've listened to thus far. 
    I am having a go at music again. I linked a video I found relevant about music thought I would share. 
    I don't even like the games I play anymore. Compulsive gameplay is just not what I used to think it was. I see through it now. 
     
    All I know is I need to reconnect and I will do my absolute best to do just that. 
     
     
     
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  3. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic time to do this   

    Good Luck! 
    I've already completed my 90 so here is some advice to you.
    Some of the greatest benefits I got were from self help books. You also said you (used to) have social anxiety. So here is a little reading list. 
    The Chimp Paradox
    The subtle art of not giving a fuck
    How to win friends and influence people. 
     
    Once again, good luck on your journey and hopefully you can get yourself sorted too  
     
    (Also, clean your room.) 
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  4. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    I am making a return. 
    I need to quit/severely limit games for the exam season. Although I have already discovered that gaming is a symptom of my issues not the cause of them, as long as I don't have a method to solve the root issue I need to take care of the symptoms. 
     
    My problem is stress management. Because I have a lot of the things on the back of my mind even when I don't think about it. I might be the first actually successful man in my family and I will have a duty to support all of my family members when I grow up. I need to think about my grades all while living in a separate country from my family. I know there are people with greater challenges but this is my reality, therefore currently my greatest challenge. I use gaming and internet in order to avoid thinking about my issues and facing stress sources head on, because solving them just implies more stress sources will come. Truly a coward's attitude. 
     
    I've grown a lot thanks to my first 90 days here. And although I don't intend to be as dogmatic this time around, I want to assure that all my gaming is for why I claim it is. Fun and relaxation, not some escapism. I also need to once again prioritize exercise because I seem to have dropped that for a while. 
     
    So here is my current action plan. 
     
    Step 1. Face your fears: Csaba, you might fail an exam because of your overwhelming refusal to face your fears. But all you are doing is digging a hole for yourself. You need to stop that. 
    Step 2. Evalaute, damage control: Yes, once again I join GQ in a last minute manner. I guess it is logical. Joining GQ is part of step one, something that I avoided for many weeks. 
    Step 3. Understand escapism: Even during my first 90 days I've done a lot of escapism and demonstrated a lot of escapist behavior. Less evidently, however. I need to understand when it happens and what I can do when it does. SIDE NOTE. Escapist behavior comes in different forms during times of stress and times of relaxation. I need to identify and find a solution to both. 
    Step 4. Further your self help journey: Already found 2 new ebooks I am interested in by leading psychiatrists on issues of self control and productivity. Should be good to listen to those. 
    Step 5. Stay in touch: Once I was done here I was so excited to go back for the fun of games I completely abandoned GQ. I did not want to have to let go of that. And would you look at that, fun turned into escapism I believe only 4 days after my return. I need to stay here, or at least I need to actively manage myself with IRL friends. All shall be seen. 
    Step 6. Embrace Manhood: Now this is an odd one, but let me repeat. I might be the first actually successful man in my family. I was raised only by women. It is time for me to transition from the role of boy and child of the house to a Man of his own, a craftsman of his own fate. That is the greatest step I can take. 
     
    The Übermensch journey continues. But thanks to the break from the last 90 days I now understand what exacty I need to work on. I'm excited to embrace this once again, just as I am scared shitless of it. 
    Daily reports coming. 
     
     
     
    P.s Something I found for you guys who do art as therapy. You might be interested in this. 
    https://www.udemy.com/art-therapy-for-everyone/?utm_term=_._ag_Affinity-ArtPsychoTherapy-ENG-Affinity-Big4-Feb3-_._ci_589308_._._pi_1636863703020354_._gi_all_._ai_18--65_._an_zrmIBc_._lo_[Australia, Canada, United States, United Kingdom]_._&k_clickid=aaaaa9dc-11f7-4376-94bb-04168638c834_122915388&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=udemyads&utm_campaign=NEW-FB-PROS-NONP-PerDev-ArtTherapy-EN-ENG_._ci_589308_._sl_ENG_._vi_NONP_._sd_All_._la_EN_._
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  5. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    So, to all those whom it may concern, I am back. 
    On day 91 I resumed gaming. I have been gaming for the last few days now. And here are my perspectives on the 90 days and my experience of the return. 
     
    The 90 days were very helpful. 
    I gained new friends, 
    I found my passion for martial arts, 
    I found time to go places and visit a friend more regularly in person, 
    I found it easier to interact with people on a whim with no necessary preparation,
    I found it such that I could trust people easier in the beginning,
    I prefer seeing friends over games easily now (used to be something I actually had to consider)
    I found that my humor improved slightly. 
     
    What I did not get from it
    My time management other than a few exceptional days of control (circa 20% of my 90 days) did not improve much.
    My discipline did not develop much, I dare say at all, after all discipline is a habit. 
    Habit formation is still immensely difficult. 
    I found other ways to waste time under the cover of "this will benefit me" 
     
    What I learnt
    This is the most crucial things that I learnt over my 90 days through listening to self help audiobooks and exploring self help and motivation areas. 
    Happiness is relative to a metric for happiness aka you choose what standards you need to meet to be happy (The subtle art of not giving a fuck) 
    Laziness, procrastination and all such are habits, not ingrained traits; when you get an idea that causes you to hesitate you instantly need to act on it otherwise your brain is wired to kill it off (The 5 second rule) 
     
    Goals from the beginning:
    I almost read/listened to the 3 books (I am satisfied) 
    I demonstrated loyalty to Integrated Martial Arts and to my friends and the act of socializing with the newly learnt perspectives. For a long while I maintained a cold shower habit. 
    I am vaguely more comfortable cooking now. I avoid dairy in lieu of my dairy sensitivity. 
    I failed time management, schedule and sleep cycle hacking. (I suspect I am strongest in the morning given a strong start to a morning)
     
    And what I learnt from coming back to games
    I desperately fear and avoid stress, and I escape no matter what I let myself escape with. During my 90 days I escaped with things that I deemed will be 'useful' to me some day and so I fell into the illusion of progress while essentially changing nothing in my habits. 
     
     
     
    The dawn of a New Era of Übermensch
    So what now? 
    First of all I want to thank you all for helping me this far. The support was immense and I can only hope I could give back a fraction of the help I recieved from you all back into the community. 
    To go with the metaphor motif of my journal, I am now able to look the devil in the eye. After all this time of complication and me trying to hide the simplest truth I can finally accept it. I simply can't handle stress. It is that simple. As demonstrated in past entries I like to see patterns and signs/indicators where there are none. I threw all that out the window. I can't handle stress. And when I finish one tast I open an opportunity for more stress therefore I just want to escape it. This is what I learnt by coming back to games. My most bare bones root of problems. I think this is amazing. Definitely a worthwhile breakthrough. 
    Once again I raise the question. What now? 
    I need to strike at the points I failed to address over my 90 days while maintaining my other skills. Discipline and time management in order to dissolve the sensation of stress. I want to change my order of life such that stress does not 'originate' from tasks, much rather from time slots. The way a teenager merely needs to obey and walk from class to task, I want to walk from task to task, almost separate from the actual action of doing. By taking my timeschedule into my own hands I, in a way, remove the stress of action from myself. After all, I just follow orders. This should lower stress levels I experience. I need to maintain a habit of meditation. I need to get in the habit of using the 5 second rule before things I would do anyway in order to build the habit of improved decision making. I need to maintain exercise and healthy food. Need to lower my alcohol intake (although I dare say for my age group I do quite fine) I shall craft a plan tomorrow morning. I'm a bit tired now. 
    So what will happen to games? 
    I'm sorry to let some of you down, they stay. I want to regulate them greatly, but they stay. Let me explain, the same way depressed people are comforted by the option of suicide, I want to be comforted by the option of games. Now, this is an insulting comparison and I apologize to any offended (I don't often apologize for offending someone but I make an exception) but I want it to know that when a daily dose of stress is dealt with, at the end of the tunnel there is momentary escape. This is not only comforting, it can even function as a method to secure the rest of the day in place, knowing I will be driven to get the rest of my day done. 
    The goal is obviously that I don't need to do this. That I no longer need the escape. The sign of an Übermensch is that he does not even consider jumping off the bridge. I need to reach the point where games and escape separate, and whether or not I will be interested in playing after that is the real question. Because if I do, it will be of genuine interest and fascination, and given my field I dare say it could even be justified, and if I lose interest then it will be for the better as well. 
     
     
    Thank you everyone. I'm up for discussion as always, I just ask you not to come crashing down on me. This is not a relapse, I did complete my 90 days and it was a conscious decision for me to go back. Now I also understand why, and I understand my own inner workings better. So, to carry on in style, 
     
    A fire burnt the woods
    I feel the devastation
    Fresh seeds will grow great.
     
    Art is Astounding, Progress is Palpable 
    -Csaba
     
     
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  6. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    Hey man. Based on your earlier monologue I would say, just like a very large amount of people you struggle with insecurity problems. You are also quite rigid about your view on people and life. Now, you easily have a decade more experience than I do, but I've seen the difference culturally where I come from and where I live now. Where I come from I experienced a significantly larger number of people simply excited to meet a new person. I described this over my 90 dasy as "expanding my human experience" by interacting with others. Sometimes you even feel that 'I will take away nothing from you, nor will you from me' but you mutually understand this and have a good time regardless. Not everyone will strictly benefit you. Most people will indeed be annoying cunts. The question is which one you focus on (says my naive ass you have no reason to believe me do what you want). 
    Try never to be the smartest person in the room. You seem to have the right idea. Prove your superiority by becoming better than other people. Sure. Go for it. But accept that there is always someone greater than you and someone always below you, so be humble to learn and be humble to elevate. I'm afraid to tell you I am not going to back out of this one. You want to be the best at things right? Why take the time to disappear to master something when you can start learning straight up from the person you want to match and surpass? A lot more efficient. 
    When it comes to women, I assure you there is a large pool of women with traditional values, or given that you listen to my last advice, with a lot to teach as a person (or whatever). It is just tough as shit finding them I guess. 
     
    You are starting again, so if you want to take away from my monologue to you, take this. Winning friends is manipulation. It is art, and the human psyche is your canvas. It is beautiful. Is making someone happy not manipulation in some way? I don't manipulate my friends to get me a drink on occasion, but it happens because I make them have a good time and they trust me. Sometimes you need not to be cynical. When it comes meeting people, you must not start cynical. 
     
    Then again I'm just some dude typing away at a computer instead of breaking world records so who am I to speak lol. 
     
    Sorry if this was very rambley, I wrote it quite late. 
     
     
     
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  7. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic The Warrior's Infinite Opus   

    Great progress man! Also thanks for reminding me of those cold showers! I've almost grown soft haha. Your art is going really well too! I'd love to see you get some story progression going  
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  8. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic The Warrior's Infinite Opus   

    I'd be concerned if people didn't think I am crazy. You are probably doing something right. 
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  9. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic The Journey Within   

    My English teacher told me something I frowned upon back in high school, then I grew to understand it . I don't know if it is his quote or not, but it goes something like this. "The world to those who feel is a tragedy, a comedy to those who think." There is a reason I signed off with 'Life is Ludicrous' time and time again. I feel your pain of isolation. 
     
    I keep going back to a book I listened to. The art of how not to give a fuck. It's a good read/listen. Truly. It has an interesting discussion of the metrics of happiness. It uses Dave Mustaine as an example because he went through life wanting to be bigger than metallica and that is the one thing he failed at. Therefore he was sad deeply all his life. Meanwhile the Metallica guys are leading a top life because their metric for happiness was success with their music. 
    One of the things you need to do is consciously redefine your metric for happiness. You don't notice the flowers when you stop thinking. You will notice those flowers when it is part of your happiness to see them. You will quit your overthinking once your metric does not involve the maintenance of the "thinker" as part of your identity. You and I both have that now. And we both need to work on it. 
     
    Your darkness comes from within. Try doing some gardening if you have a chance. Both literal and metaphorical. Look up Japanese gardens. Using space as a reflection of philosophy. I think you would appreciate that. 
     
    Life is, you guessed it, Ludicrous, 
    Darkness dissolves and Light Lingers,
     
    Stay gold. 
    -Csaba
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  10. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    It sounds about high time you explore buddhist philosophy. Drop the sharlatan crap of course but the philosophy of it would be very worth exploring for you. You already fucking reek of it   You are the type who would really benefit from spending a month with Shaolin Monks. Go boxing, a community of warriors holds a higher chance of holding someone more humbled than your average circle. I know it scares you but after you are out of the work rough patch it seems like this would be a great time to take a step in that direction. 
    Best of luck! Don't let them break your nose and wear your teeth guard.  
     
     
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  11. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Day 90. Reflection coming soon.  
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  12. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    Holy shit dude. Nice! 
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  13. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Day 89 Over. Day 90 beginning now. 
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  14. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Day 87. Doing alright. Homesickness has set in but what are you going to do. I'm going home soon.  
    I need to clean my room. 
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  15. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Just saw Ghost live. Great gig. Need to get back on work, aaaand I'm starting right now. It's about time I stop hesitating and looking for a perfect time. "Good enough" leads to excellence. 
     
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