Sorry, didn't have time to read it all, so I write some oraculous shit. Make change your home and anguish your peace, men are built on wrong decisions. It's not about the decisions, but how you handle the consequences: live with them, or shift the rudder quickly with determination if there is a chance. Accept your ugly sides, they become better. You can rely on them the most, they grant you stability. Carry your heart outward, no matter how many arrows pierce it or words scar it. It will survive or die, either way is a good one. Do what you believe in, and people will stand behind you. Never waver, or they will eat you.
Welcome. The phones are actually pretty cool. You can beat people with it. You can just break it after a dumb conversation (throwing it against a wall is always fun, try it!). You never have to care. You never have to charge. You never have to stare. You can go to a war, or on a hiking trip. You can go for a swim with it. You can jump from a plane and lose it. You can use it to open your beers. You can afford to get one for each ladyfriend. You can leave it an unsafe or tiny pocket. You can drop it. Also, their structural integrity seems much more sturdy, you can twist it and bend it as much as you want. If it weren't for WhatsApp, which completely derailed ICQ, I would still be using one. And no, I don't think WhatsApp on one of these things is cool. I think... I will move back to ICQ soon. Ta.
ENTRY #46: Still alive. I finally got thru work phase, now I only need to accomplish what a single person can accomplish and it feels like a vacation. I've gone back to gaming, due to the stress I've had, it really took me down. I'm recovering now, and my priority isn't to stop gaming, but to not fall over. I've kept up my training though, albeit all that shit, and I've improved on many levels. Haven't felt like drawing though. Guess it is hypocritical to keep posting as a gamer, that's why I haven't posted for a while, and because of the shit I was writing – it felt as if writing about my mind actually amplified negative thoughts, so I'll keep it short and simple in order to reset myself. I guess it is necessary and I should see my limits. I'll be back. I intend to quit gaming someday again, but currently I need to set other priorities – and it hasn't made a huge impact, I feel okay with it currently, sticking to NES games and Puzzle genre, though I just ordered a Switch. Heh. Pretty stupid, but looking forward to playing it, despite everything. I guess when I catch myself procrastinating – I might wake up again. But I haven't so far.
So I have noticed, it is a responsibility I am not worthy of. You are mimicking a vision that you have created. I'm not as great as you imagine. People need idols and scapegoats sometimes, fathers, mothers. Create ghosts, spirits, totems and illusions. Carrots on a stick, once you reach 'em you realize that carrots taste like shit, but they keep you moving. Coping with changes. It's a motor to keep you running. It works for a while, until you can generate energy by yourself. Take me. Take some movie character, a celebrity, an animal – it doesn't matter. In the end, it is you who defined it. Who put worth into it. Who made it work. You are not mimicking me, you are mimicking a future self called destoroyah. Take whats of use from me, and keep moving until you work yourself. And you will.
@WorkInProgress I feel offended by that suggestion, you can't just come out of the blue and say that. You don't know what situation I am in. Working my job fulltime this month – because my colleague broke his leg/knee, and studying at the same time, failing exams and no one to cover my back. It'd get anyone to his limits, if you add the housekeeping. I can't retreat to my parents. My flatmates are nice but they're kind of "not grown up" at the same time. It's comparable to being a single mom with a job, I have like 45 free minutes per weekday if I want to live healthy. That is not enough time to sort my thoughts. Don't "go to psychiatrist" me, if I were in a situation grave enough – I wouldn't be chillin' on these forums. That is just about the worst thing anyone could say to me, spiting doubt in my own psychological integrity. Bah. If I were depressed – OK. If I wrote about suicide – OK. Obviously you haven't understood what I have been doing up there, I was analyzing myself on a deep level. I would daresay it requires a shitload of psychological integrity to even do that. I know you just rushed out "from the blind" – and that's cool, it's good to have you back, but you need to check up on people before you write. Stop being an idiot. No hard feelings, and I don't give a shit.