@Mettermrck Weightlifting and stuff. I had been sick a couple of weeks and have been struggling getting back into it. I had a tough time, as I was writing exams while being ill (the results are actually quite admirable considering the circumstances – I was also coping with other trouble at two fronts at the time). Now it seems, my body is taking all the rest it can get. I'm always hungry and always tired. Time goes by in an instant, everything is moving so fast. I guess it's okay to float in the ether a couple of weeks, nevertheless I gotta keep grounded, vigilant and things in check. Who knows when new shit will hit the fan.
ENTRY #51: I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that I'm an idiot. Then again... I'm pretty sure he wouldn't listen and ruminating isn't one of my good sides. I shredded my exams with As and Bs – pretty good, huh? Then again... I'm overdue to accomplish something. Training has become tough, I lost 16,6666% of my power. Brutal.
ENTRY #50: Usually my hatred is the only thing that gets me moving and keeps me going no matter what. Is that despicable? Is that disturbed? I stopped giving a shit a long time ago. I stopped caring whether or not my motivation is founded in "good character". The worse my reason was, the better. My inner ugliness has always kept me grounded with this earth. By stopping my self denial have I become an animal, but at least I am unstoppable and I will not falter. I will never die.
Uh... Sorry I didn't write more before, I have little time as of late... I feel really bad about that now. I wasn't aware circumstances were so grave. I hope you realize that you still have most of your life ahead of you, and with your age nothing is set in stone. You are putting too much pressure on yourself. Your life is not fucked up at all. It's good, be happy. Women come and go, and so do friends. Yea they're cool, yea we want them in our lives, but the more we want them or need them – the less we get them. So fuck 'em, get busy with something you care about and the like-minded will find you.
Sorry, didn't have time to read it all, so I write some oraculous shit. Make change your home and anguish your peace, men are built on wrong decisions. It's not about the decisions, but how you handle the consequences: live with them, or shift the rudder quickly with determination if there is a chance. Accept your ugly sides, they become better. You can rely on them the most, they grant you stability. Carry your heart outward, no matter how many arrows pierce it or words scar it. It will survive or die, either way is a good one. Do what you believe in, and people will stand behind you. Never waver, or they will eat you.
ENTRY #46: Still alive. I finally got thru work phase, now I only need to accomplish what a single person can accomplish and it feels like a vacation. I've gone back to gaming, due to the stress I've had, it really took me down. I'm recovering now, and my priority isn't to stop gaming, but to not fall over. I've kept up my training though, albeit all that shit, and I've improved on many levels. Haven't felt like drawing though. Guess it is hypocritical to keep posting as a gamer, that's why I haven't posted for a while, and because of the shit I was writing – it felt as if writing about my mind actually amplified negative thoughts, so I'll keep it short and simple in order to reset myself. I guess it is necessary and I should see my limits. I'll be back. I intend to quit gaming someday again, but currently I need to set other priorities – and it hasn't made a huge impact, I feel okay with it currently, sticking to NES games and Puzzle genre, though I just ordered a Switch. Heh. Pretty stupid, but looking forward to playing it, despite everything. I guess when I catch myself procrastinating – I might wake up again. But I haven't so far.
So I have noticed, it is a responsibility I am not worthy of. You are mimicking a vision that you have created. I'm not as great as you imagine. People need idols and scapegoats sometimes, fathers, mothers. Create ghosts, spirits, totems and illusions. Carrots on a stick, once you reach 'em you realize that carrots taste like shit, but they keep you moving. Coping with changes. It's a motor to keep you running. It works for a while, until you can generate energy by yourself. Take me. Take some movie character, a celebrity, an animal – it doesn't matter. In the end, it is you who defined it. Who put worth into it. Who made it work. You are not mimicking me, you are mimicking a future self called destoroyah. Take whats of use from me, and keep moving until you work yourself. And you will.