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NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened


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  1. Alright I'll just make a post here to say this: I'm alive still so you can stop worrying about me. I've stopped caring about being a loser virgin autistic retard and I've stopped throwing a hissy fit over it. I'm sorry I got you all worried and probably cringed out with all my shitty autistic emo posts. I've ditched my stupid dreams and I'm just going for an engineering degree. Sick of trying. Sick of faking shit. I'm out to go and play some elder scrolls online and watch cartoons for the rest of my summer. Have a good one. Oh yea and @Cam Adair if you can delete all my posts somehow I would really appreciate that. Just having privacy concerns.
  2. I didn't do it. I waited for my parents to leave the house while listening to my favourite songs. They left. I got a rope from the pulley system on the drying rack for washing and googled 'how to tie a noose'. I made one and hung it from a big wooden beam that goes across my kitchen. I stood on a chair and wrapped the noose around my neck. I could have just fell backwards and everything would have ended. Right there. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't really feel like I was that close. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I didn't 'have the balls' to do it. Maybe I valued my life. I took it on and off and I just stood there crying then I went upstairs and typed the suicide hotline's number into my phone but I didn't call them. I thought I was going crazy. I was screaming and babbling and punching the wall and beating the floor and singing. I tried to tell myself it wasn't real. Then my stepdad found me. I stared into blank space for a while but then he came to comfort me and I broke down and cried. I showed him the noose. And then he showed my mum. And then I cried with her on the bed for a while and I told her I hated myself and I wanted to die and I had no future because I was so fucked up and I was too scared to show anyone my problems because I thought they would label me crazy. There was an actual pool of mucus and tears where I had my head. It was pretty weird. And then she gave me sleeping pills and I tried to go to sleep but they didn't work for some reason. So I just watched anime until I felt drowsy and I went to sleep. All the while I had the song running round my head. It got stuck there. All the right line at the right time. If I had to name one song that saved my life it would be this one. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elyQDxP8QY8 I feel better now. A bit. I feel happier. I feel like I'm 5 years old again. But still a bit sad. I just need some time to heal. My parents say i should talk to people more. I think they are right. But I was never really that good at talking to people and that kind of stuff. And I don't feel very good at it now. I just feel really scared and weak. But I know I have to try and talk to people about my problems instead of bottling it up in my head. Real people. Not internet people. I've been keeping myself from human interaction these years and it's eaten away at me. So I have to try and talk to people. I haven't done any drawing in a few days. I like art. I know I'm not that good but I really want to improve. And I really want to give it everything. But now I know I have other things to worry about. Like friends and family. I push them all away because I'm too scared to show weakness. Now I know there here for me and I don't have to be afraid to talk about it. I'm glad I didn't kill myself. I've never been that close to death before. It was just a step away. And actual step off a fucking chair. HAH. I don't really know right now. I suppose I'm just a bit shaken up. I think I should try and talk to some of my closest friends. I just need to recover and then I'll think about where I'm going from there. I just feel pretty weak right now. But I feel pretty good at the same time. I'm going to talk to people. I need to tell people about my problems and stop pushing my friends away. I don't know if I'm going to be alone forever. I don't know if I'll ever find a woman. But I'll just have to wait and see because I'm sure as hell not giving up yet. I want to apologise to everyone for not being there perhaps when you needed my help but I'm just really happy that you were all there when I needed you guys because I wouldn't be here otherwise. And I really want to be there for other people. There are people around me that are lonely too and I need to be there for them too and I find it hard to be there but I know I have to try because I wont have a life if I don't. I feel like I have a clean slate now. At least it's a little cleaner. Because I managed to cry and show people a little bit. So I have to keep trying. Try and be a better person. I'm sorry for letting my ego get in the way of our relationships sometimes but I really enjoyed all the times we had and I want to have more until I drop down dead for real. Not at my own hands. If anyone feels suicidal or depressed please talk to someone. Just give someone you know you can trust the slightest indication and they will help you. And it feels hard for me now but I know that I don't want to leave just yet now and that's enough so just keep fucking living no matter what. You can drop me a message if you want. I'm not good at talking really but I don't suppose I can do much harm. You're not crazy. You're not a stupid edgy teen. You're not just a dickhead. Just talk to someone. They will understand because they love you. All your thoughts come from your emotions. Don't let your emotions get the better of you and don't fucking quit because then there wont be any more emotions. This might be one of the last posts I make here. I think I have to move on. I'm sorry. You guys helped me through some pretty sticky shit. And I just want to apologise to everyone and thank everyone individually. But I just feel pretty weak right now so just please wait and I'll be there so don't worry. I don't know if I'm going to stay off games. I really used to like playing games with my friends but then I pushed them all away and I got so alone. But I'm getting better. And I don't want to be alone anymore. And I want to fucking live! And I'm not afraid to talk about things anymore!
  3. And I will handle the consequences by ending myself. Never thought I'd have to say that. But I suppose it doesn't really matter anymore. My heart has too many loopholes. Too fucked up to carry it outward. It's high time I stopped being afraid and did it.
  4. I haven't made a post in ages. Pretty much gave up on these forums. But this place always gave me something I never had. Somewhere I can ease the pressure and blow off some steam out of the shithole that is my mind and have anyone in particular listen and perhaps respond. That was keeping me sane for a time. I've had my ups and downs but now the sea is way too rough for me to not steer this vessel to the lighthouse. I'm really a joke. I think I don't need this place anymore. And bam. Here I am. More fucked up than ever A while ago I decided I'd make this amazing decision: I'll drop out of engineering forget my next year of highschool and follow my dumbshit dreams of being an illustrator or a comic book artist. Fucking retard. I've always been fucking retarded anyway. Can't just shut up, sit down and be a normal fucking human being like the other kids. WHY?! Why do I have to be this fucking shit. Why do I compulsively feel the need to type to other people on the internet about my stupid feelings. I think I'm so special. I think I've got something others don't. Well that just isn't true. I'm just on a wild goose chase for nothing in particular. Just to satisfy my own ego. My ego that dictates I displace myself from reality and run away to my magical fairy place. I love the idea I'm better than other people. That's why I quit gaming. But the fact of the matter is I'm just a degenerate at heart and I'll never 'improve' because of that. I don't have anything to hope for other than my stupid dreams. Or maybe I do. Just I'm too weak and too egotistical to accept it. To accept the fact I can just have a normal life, get a normal job, get a normal wife and a normal kid and JUST BE FUCKING NORMAL FOR ONCE IN YOUR SHITTY LIFE! Dad wasn't normal. Fucked me up in the head. They say the first 7 years are the most important years in your life because it dictates how you will develop as a person. He was there for 10. Brother died a year later. Yea. Like we even had anything between us anyway. It's probably a good thing he was actually mentally retarded because then he'd never end up as fucked up as me. Damn I just WANT people to feel sorry for me don't I? I just want to be so fucking special. Can't be content with being a fucking square. I'm not a circle trying to fit in a square hole. I'm just a square with botched corners because he keeps smashing his face off the fucking wall BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKING RETARD. FUCK. Why don't you go and get therapy. Oh yea. Then you would be accepting how fucked up you are. Now that would be the end of it. Everyone would know and you wouldn't be able to run from it. You just want to run. You don't want to face reality. You don't want to deal with people. Is autism induced by nurture? Because I think I have some sort of fucking retardation. I can't even talk to my own parents properly anymore. Honestly if you could see me you would genuinely think I was fucking autistic. It's pitiful. Too scared of being broke. Too scared of being square. Too scared to talk to people. Too scared of being a joke of a human being. Too scared to live. Omniphobia. You think you'll get a girlfriend? Why would any dumbfuck date a worthless piece of shit like you? A piece of shit who can't even open up to anyone. A piece of shit that can't even stand by his own beliefs. Who can't conform to the beliefs of others. Just a mess clutching at straws. The epitome of emasculation. Your kids will be just as fucked as you because you will be their father. The best thing you could do for them would be to leave before they turn 2 years old. You think working out makes you interesting? You think liking metal makes you interesting? Well what's the point in being interesting when you're too weak to get involved in the first place. You're just a freak show. That's all you do. You're the laughing stock of everyone. You made people proud. You made your parents proud that you'd get a good education, a good job and a good life BUT YOU FUCKING BLEW IT. And now you can't go back because you're too caught up in it all now. IF you go back you face defeat and you accept the fact you are a bitch. If you go forward you get beat up by the world and you live your life as a big fucking lie hiding from the truth that you don't want to hear from anyone. The fact you're not actually that good at art. The fact that you don't have the balls to try and get better. The fact that life is just life and you've gotta accept it. The fact you'll never grow up. The fact that you'll never be truly happy because you actively avoid it because you think you're too good for it. You think happiness is overrated. You think life is overrated. All you can do about it is get shitty and bitter about it over the internet. Fuck. I've been watching a lot of porn. Games not so much. But I;ve been binging on a lot of fucked up shit. Don't think I'll get any better. Don't think I'll really get anywhere. It's too late. I'ts an addiction and it's there because I'm fucked in the head and I can't do shit about that can I? I liked to laugh at crazy people. I thought they were so weird and stupid. And I thought it was sad because I knew they wouldn't get anywhere. But now I realise I'm the same. It's just sad. Really sad. I can get up and get a shower if I don't read a bunch of suicide notes or read some oh-so-relateable lyrics. I don't deserve any of that shit. Don't deserve any of the shit people give to me. The only motivation I get is from the imaginary world. And it get smitten to the ground every time I get a dose of reality. I don't deserve it. I'll probably read this one day. Maybe. Maybe I'll still be as fucked up. Maybe I'll have kidded myself into some other stupid fantasy. You haven't replied to your dad's missed calls from 2 days ago. What the fuck are you doing? Do you expect life to be handed to you on a fucking silver platter. Fuck. Fuck. I hate myself. Imaginary people. Imaginary things. Imaginary life. That's the only reason you think you can hack it. A comic book. About your imaginary life. You'll never have a real life because you live in your head. Feed off your imagination. Shit. Too late. Too fucked up. FUBAR. Yea. Saving private ryan was a good fucking movie. Your comci book won't be half as good. not even 1%. Because you'll have nevr lived. You won't even have the money. Today I was on the art forum. I got a reply. I said I don't want to be at home stuck in my room my whole life but they said OH NO STAY AT HOME AS LONG AS YOU CAN BECAUSE YOU'LL BE BROKE AND DEPRESSED OTHERWISE. Fuck fuck fuck. That's not what I wanted to hear. I didn't want the truth. Never did. Dreams are for people with balls. I don't have balls. I only have the imaginary life. Imaginary world. Imaginary me. If I stay at home forever I will seal the deal. I really will have no life. Even if I try and fix things and go get an engineering degree, get charted and get a job I still won't be able to do anything. I'll be a walking corpse still doing my stupid shit depressed at how I lacked the balls to try and follow my dream. I could go to art school and postpone my suffering. That would be typical of me. Go and have fun for three years then get a slam in the face of reality. And be stuck in debt. I've considered suicide three or four times these past few days. I've picked myself up and told myself stories about how I could fly a couple of times. Fall seven times get up eight? What's the point if you keep falling? Fall infinity times get up infinity? I'm running out of energy. What the fuck is my life? Maybe I'm just being stupid. Maybe everything is fine. maybe I'm ok and I just choose to think like this? yea? no. No nonono. It's the truth and you know it. If gravity doesn't exist then why do I keep sinking to the bottom? Good question. The answer is gravity does exist and the bottom is where you belong because you're a shit swimmer. It's not like I'd be missing anyone or anything. Quick departure. Easy. This makes a good note actually. then nothing. nothing to worry about. End the electrical impulses that constitute my perception. That bind me to the carnal dumbshit desires of this vessel for a molecule that simply has the ability to replicate itself. That's all it is. Just wanting to reproduce. Pass on genes. I can't even do that. I'm a defect. A broken vessel. And you can't even go beyond that. Can't own your humanity. Because what is there to own. Nothing. nothing. Just a sack of shit that can't participate. Maybe I should print this shit off and glue it to my chest before I kick the bucket. Then people would know. Nah they don't need to know. They only need to know because you feel the need to be heard when you can;t be heard by any motherfucker because no one will ever really give a shit about you BECAUSE YOU DON'T GIV E A SHIT ABOUT THEM. That's why you left this place. That's why you left the people that helped you so much. Perhaps I should just delete this and go for it then. Nah. perhaps there is still something. haha no what the fuck do you even think you're doing? You've thought there was something so many times. You were playing pass the parcel with yourself and get what. Underneath every single layer of wrapping there was nothing. It was all just paper. You missed the point. You had to play with other people but you couldn't and you NEVER WILL because you're so SHIT. Stupid fucking submit topic button is mocking me. "Haha look at you you fucking retard! Can't push the button! Can't hang yourself. You've been thinking about it for ages. All you need is a basket that dressing gown cord and the shower door railing. Easy. It's all there. Don't tell me you don't have the balls to kill yourself. Don't tell me YOU CAN'T EVEN TALK TO INTERNET PEOPLE ABOUT IT? What are you gonna do? Copy and paste this shit onto a text file on your desktop so it can sit among the other piece of shit letters to yourself? Yup you did it. You made a lot of progressmaking this shit. Wow well done. Save your progress. Yup . Too weak to tell anyone the truth. it's too hard isn't it. Well look on the bright side. Maybe if you post this someone at least will get some entertainment. That's all you are. Entertainment. Fucking freak show. Your parent love you. But that's just parents. Just the biological drive to rpotect their young at all costs. I'm the vessel of their genes. I'm their fundamental purpose. And i'm fucking worthless. They don't see that. They don't see really what's going on in my head. I'm just too perfect. Too good at everything. You were good at pretending that. Pretend pretend pretend." I'm like some stupid emo on myspace. They all got better though didn't they? That was really just a fucking phase for them? They all got jobs and girlfriends and kids and now they're all 30 something and happy and whatever? That's how it's supposed to work right? they really didn't have problems though. maybe I don't have problems. Maybe I'm just imaginaing things because I feel a little sad about whatever. Yea thats right. Tell yourself more stories. fuck. I can't deal with this shit anyone. Tell myself stories to help me swim. Then plummet down when I bash into something. And I keep swimming again. because my brain demands I live. But live for what.? I'm all fucked up inside but this biological drive to live compels me. What if depression was a mechanism for removing broken genes from the gene pool? That would make sense. so am I going to push the button or what? What Am I going to do. I can't type forever. Just push the button you fuck. DO it.It's easy really. but why? why should I when there's no point. Why should I when I should just end this fucking journey right now? Maybe I do want to live. Maybe . Yea then you'll jst get up again and flop again later. SHIT. Nobody want to see this. I don't want to see this. I just want to be happy. But I can't. I won't. I've read this over a few times. here and there. maybe I should just tell someone. some random fucks on the internet. not like it'll matter. I probably wont come back to see the response to this shit.no no i don't need to talk to anyone. it's ok. it's really all just ok. you almost did it. you almost jumped . but you were to scared. that you might fuck it all up. who cares. you belong in a mental ward anyway. if they take you away. who gives one. no. that would be bad. worse. you would be stuck there forever. fucked up alone. you need a way out. wish I could just push a button and have it all go i have one life so I should make the most of it? i don't think I cn stand by that statement. I don't think I can truly value it like that.i'll forget. I'll fuck it up. I'll get fucked up again. what the fuck. push the fucking button. make the post. you need help. get help. if you cant talk to your fuck I hate looking at my own relflection. desperately trying to find a sad song that might 'save my life'. what is there to save. it's been a few hours. still haven't posted anything yet. can I really help myself? I have to go to work in under 2 hours. then what? will I break down while I'm doing the fucking dishes? just a burden. i need to get off the internet and do something. haha what's that? you're getting up and moving on now? see what did I tell you. told you you'd forget about it. Just type it off and walk away. when's it going to end? tell me. when are you going to buckle down and live? but I can't fucking live. when there's no life to lead anymore. I am me and that is enough proof. i wish I wasn't so self conscious. then I wouldn't hate myself. then I would be living ignorantly and happy .fuck. i'll submit the post now and see what happens. i suppose the only way out apart from offing myself is to try and talk to someone. get out of the echo chamber. i'll just contradict myself forever otherwise. i don't fcking know. "what if I'm wrong?" that's the only inclination of hope I've had so far. a shit hope. a last jab. I'll submit the post. the fucking title just makes me want to retch. i can't believe I've sunk so low. and I can't even take myself seriously. i'm crying to a bunch of random people on the internet. why wont you submit the post already? typing wont help anymore. it's ok to ask for help. right? fuck my life.
  5. Majoring in the minors We are found in far away places. Not all is lost. We must be strong and cling onto hope. We must be strong when the ground is shifting out from under our feet. Stop majoring in the minors. It’s when you get inside that it widens. Stay true tempered. You’re not the first to find life is tough. It's officially summer. The end of the school year. I have one year left of high school. i guess there were a lot of things I didn't do. Like get a girlfriend, do the wim hof method every single day, take up martial arts, learn how to play blast beats and use a double kick drum pedal, go to a concert, learn how to sing metal, not play video games for a whole year, not jerk off for 90 days. It wasn't in vain though. It's all culminated into what I've found now. Art. Humans as a species are driven by a specialised instruction set like a machine. We are vessels for an incredibly complex molecule of unknown origin that seemingly seeks to reproduce itself. The system of living endorsed by our species is that of the tribe. We devote ourselves to some cause. One way or another. We form strict social hierarchies and have gender roles to adhere to. We are driven by emotional impulses to do things. That's just the way we work right? Every clock has to tick somehow. However being human is more than that. We refuse to see things as they are. We refuse to accept that we are mere chemically imbalanced ants. Because we see something that animals don't see. And that is the infinite mystery and complexity of the universe, otherwise known as god. Being a mere vessel of DNA doesn't cut it. As individuals and as a species we believe that we are destined for greater things. The power of the human consciousness is truly monumental. I accept these feelings. I'm part of something much bigger than I can possibly comprehend and it's up to me to experience it. Merge with it. I refuse to waste away and major in the minors because of some rationality of my microscopic mind. My consciousness is attached to something far greater. That's something I will follow. In the action of actively pursuing something I love I feel empowered! And that's all that counts. Feeling is being. I feel therefore I am. I've been getting put down a lot by my decision to become a comic book artist/ illustrator. My parents aren't with me. They think I'm throwing everything away just to draw stupid cartoons. Same at school. I've been getting stick from some kid that wants to be an investment banker. It's funny how he was my first friend ever at this school. He used to be bullied a lot in primary school. And now he's grown up to be one of the most unstable egotistical pricks I know. Funny how school changes us. I refuse to give in. My dream feels like it's a part of me. Like an internal organ. To lose it is to die. That might change. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a stupid stubborn teen? Haha. I guess you could say that. But the thing is: I'm not doing anything out of coercion or fear of regret. That it the path to weakness and mediocrity. Pursuing art gives me something I have never had with anything else. Absolute willpower of massive proportions. And that's something I don't want to lose. Because it's a powerful feeling. The feeling is the goal. The method to obtaining it? The method is not a solution. I have been told in life there are no solutions and I believe it. The method is simply the method to attaining what we all strive for. Humanity. Arse cheeks!
  6. The bottom line is: I am human and being human means I subconsciously restrict myself to the realms of my emotions. I can rationalise that life is pointless. If all you do is look with your eyes at what's going on you will become a nihilist. It's a given. However, even the most nihilistic of nihilists fail to take into account one thing - no matter how much you tell yourself you are a cluster of molecules you will still feel. That is the one constant of philosophical pursuit. That man feels and no rationality can be standardised and prescribed to a man so that he may connect with the world around him at his fullest. I still feel. So I might as well keep feeling. My life is based around my feelings and I accept them. I accept my dad wasn't the best father because that was a mere step in the throes of causality to the outcome - the current me. The me that is strong and the me that is weak. Good and bad are just labels. The fact of the matter is that they are the same thing. The bad of a dysfunctional family made me suffer. But it also made me strong. It made me different, which in turn made me inquisitive and gave me an outside perspective to life, which in turn allowed me to quit gaming and write this big ol' chunk of text to you. I accept I am fucked up. I accept my past emotion and I use it as fuel. I have known the suffering of being a dumb fucked up kid. That's why I want to make comic books - for all those dumb fucked up kids out there. To keep them sane. To wind in my ideas. To tell them that there is more to life than they might presume. I might not really be reaching out to them - who cares - that's not the point. The point it I am doing something. No matter who you are or what you do you contribute to the human collective consciousness. You do good or bad. Now those are just labels. Good and bad are solely to do with what ever you perceive them to be. But in the action of committing yourself to contributing, through whatever you do, you become empowered. You gain momentum to see more, do more, think more and thus feel more.
  7. Gaming was a product of my mood at the time. I gamed because I felt like shit - and it helped ease the pain in the short term. But in the long term? Fuck that. I don't really have time to game. I no longer view games as some sort of demonic anathema in my life. I refuse to be conceited and stagnate in my worldviews. Video games, in the context of what I want to achieve, are a waste of time. I have no time to grind for stuff. I have plenty of time to appreciate the story. It's a balancing act that I don't have time to formulate over. It's best just not bothering and reading books instead. However, when a good game blips on my radar that I've been waiting for I'll jump right in and give it a ride. Let's just say if elder scrolls 6 comes out I'm buying that shit!
  8. Long timey no typey typeyRevofuckingcation!It's been a fucking while! Indeed it has! I haven't posted in such a long long time for a number of reasons: I had another dumbfuck existential crisisI sort of stopped caring and submerged myself in porn and videogames every now and again.I've had exams and what little mental vitality I have was diverted into the colossal regurgitation process that is the modern education systemI suppose you could say it all started last week on saturday. Prior to this I was getting a bit melancholy about the whole comic books thing. I figured out how the shithole that is my brain works a while ago and what being a 'comic book artist' really meant to me. I've been chasing images all this time; symbols of status for me to attach myself to and draw meaning from. It's behind everything I do. Absolutely everything. It's the reason I quit games in the first place. To be the 'black sheep', the 'lone wolf', the cartoon character cookie cutter archetypal trash that my brain binds itself to. I've been hiding. Craftily plastering my images about my own consciousness the delude it into the notion that I am those things. That there isn't a small, cold, lonely, shivering child underneath the veils of my own vanity. That there isn't a child in the who has barely seen the light of day. It's sick. It's fucked up. I know and all I can really do is forget and hope it goes away.Oh yeah! Comic books have helped you. Really! They've allowed you to kid yourself into living a life of vanity. You're like one of those dumb bimbo slags who weigh a metric shit ton. The whales who go out to eat with their 'friends' and order a salad and pick at it; making some silly remarks about how they're full. Then when they get home they order about 5 pizzas and stuff themselves. You guzzle up the bullshit images comic books and whatnot provide and craftily apply them you your imaginary apparel, when in actuality, it is the meat of the meaning behind these comic books; the emotions; the adventure that keeps your soul from shrivelling just barely. If only you would engage in the comfort of other people. But you can't because if you did that you would have to make the images give way. Back on the topic of last week on saturday: I live in a small antediluvian village in the english countryside - which I am very grateful for - which is full of old folks. One particular old man needed help doing some odd jobs on his bit of land. Turns out he knows what I'm going through right now. Somehow it seems he knows more about me than I do myself. He has the mind and soul of a prophet. Naturally, he was inquisitive towards me. Of course my avoidant shitbag mind drew back and took a back seat. Smile and wave boys! Smile and wave! He supplied the nudge to push me into the abyss. No. He helped me up and I chose to run aimlessly, like a skittish deer, into the abyss.Why? Why give yourself to this stupid shit when you can just focus on using your skills to make the world a better place? You're selfish. You fucking suck. Get a real job. Get a family. Show people some respect and make some friends. Oh wait. But you can't! Because you suck. Because your brain is so fucked up you can't do shit. You might as well just kill yourself. You are useless. You are simply a self justified cluster of molecules spawned by the throes of causality which has been reproducing and adapting itself for many millions of years.I got my fixes but nothing good distract me. Just crawling back to the same room at the end of the day, a day consisting of self inflicted social isolation and feeling sorry for myself when I didn't have any maths problems stuffed in my face, feeling like a total pile of shit. Jerking off and dicking about on shadow or mordor.BullshitI have worth. No mater how much of a shitbag I am. I am a fundamental part of this vast construct of life in this world. Without my interaction in the system of causality the world would be a different place. I am a part of the collective consciousness of sentient life. Every human, dog, or whatever that can think or feel I have come close to has a memory of me - a piece of my soul that will influence their decisions in later life. These pieces add up to a vast portion of me ingrained upon the world.There are things we don't know and a race. There are things I don't know as person. That in itself is god and what we humans strive for. Meaning beyond the cluster of molecules. What even is reality? Everything is in the perception I am experiencing right now - what was past and future is non existent as far as I am concerned. Truly profound. I feel. Therefore I am. I am a cluster of molecules but I sure don't feel like it. I feel emotions. They drive me and I have them no matter what. I laugh. I play. I cry. I scream. I must own them. I choose to own them. Before I was choosing to perish. Fuck that.There is something to be had in this world. I just need to have it. I'm already having it. But once I've had an adequate amount of it only then can I see it. I can't see it now. I'm in the spiritual purgatory of adolescence. I'll keep living. I'll keep going through with my 'grand scheme' and see where life takes me.
  9. What are you 5 years old?!
  10. Cat's out the bag The cat is out of the bag and I'm trying to stuff it back in before people kick it to death. People are starting to find out I want to be a comic book artist at school. I'm getting a surge of 'whys' and 'hows' coming at me. It's a fucking pain in the arse. Makes me just want to go some place else where I can't hear their babbling. My stepdad's found out as well. Ah for fuck's sake. He's gonna start lecturing me. I can't be fucked to explain to anyone the reason why I want to do this. I can't be bothered because I know they won't understand and only stare at me perplexed and ridicule me. This stigma has caused me to doubt myself. When something emotionally hits you, you rationalise over the emotion. One day I was emotionally hit and I rationalised to be a comic artist. Today I was emotionally hit and I started rationalising about perhaps not being a comic book artist. It's these emotions that drive us as humans to do extraordinary things. It's what makes us tick. But emotions come and go. One object of life is never going to consistently incite one particular emotional response. It will incite pain and pleasure and you will have to prepared to accept both if you wish to dedicate yourself to it. But what makes you want to dedicate yourself to something? Where does this grounding come from? If pleasure is simply incited by any particular object then why do we humans choose to fixate ourselves on one path; one woman; one family; one country; one tribe; one ideology. It's because as humans we demand truth. We demand purpose. We demand to have something in this world which defines our existence. We need a grounding point to anchor our emotions in reality. Some people receive definition from the system. Most of the other kids at school see a career and possibly a family and that's it. They are happy. But kids like me are wired differently. I don't feel shit for the system. I have never witnessed the role of a father. All i have to confide in is the goofy shit that I do for my soul food. My art. Art is where I define my purpose. It's where I place myself in the gloom of reality and where I build my stronghold. It's what I give my life to because it is one of the few things that has given me life. I need to dedicate myself to it because otherwise I can't live. I'm walking alone in the dark without a home. It's been arranged so I can do the entirety of the art course at school next year. This means switching maths sets, dropping D&T and switching to the noob physics class. I'm prepared to do anything. I'm prepared because I have my stronghold. It's time to stand by my cat and beat everyone up who decides to kick it.
  11. Thanks man this helps a lot This is the way I'm wired and I can't do shit about it. It's me. I just don't enjoy the same stuff as people around me. I just don't do things that I don't want to do. I'm just stuck in this social purgatory of high school. I have nothing to latch on to. No one to confide in. It's just culminated to the point of me developing this dream. A dream that I can confide in.
  12. I suppose you could go as deep as that. To say our intrinsic traits are just as they are - strength, weakness, pleasure, pain - all neither good nor bad. They all simply amount to changes in your self and your environment. All intertwined. Pain can come from strength. Weakness can come from pleasure. But whatever it is I have, let's call it my 'selfishness', it eats away at me. I opt in for a life of solitude. I choose to pursue greatness and I don't reach out to anyone. Sure. I'm stronger because of that trait. I don't go round holding onto someone else's tail. But I also feel pain. I feel lonely. Like I'm on some desert island somewhere building a castle and I have no one to share it with. I'm weak because I can't give in to anyone else. I can't ask them for help. I can't ask them if they want to go do something. I cant sit and talk to them. I cant let them see me. I hide. I don't want anyone to see I'm weak. That I'm just a person. I obscure myself with images that I try to project. I even try to convince myself that I'm some sort of image. Some sort of symbol of whatever I want to master.
  13. I'm just selfish. I vent here and just expect people to listen. I've stopped trying to reach out to people. I'm climbing mountains and not telling anybody. I'm looking at everyone through a glass wall. Hoping they'll see me on the other side. I could tap on the glass. I could smash the wall but that just isn't me. I just try and make as big of a spectacle as I can in hopes that they look. That's just me I suppose. Me and my images.
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