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Destoroyah's Meltdown


destoroyah
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Coffee? Nothing like sticking my headphones on, playing some skeletonwitch, reading some manga and drinking some coffee while at school. Beats talking to any of the shitheads there any day!

Does this mean more art soon?

Edited by Schwing
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Does this mean more art soon?

Haha. I ordered some colored pencils. Scanning all that old stuff itched me to do some non-digital drawing again but I also am currently tinkering with coloring some of it. Also I haven't uploaded the 10+ comic pages yet, that I have laying around for 10 years. I want to color them too – do them justice. One step at a time, but yea, I'm incited for continuing old pieces and creating new!

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ENTRY #34 - DAY XX:

The_Fly.thumb.jpg.cd53b0ca2358b672e36097

"The Fly" – if you look closely you can see that I wrote swear words in there, maybe this way I can pack my anger somewhere.
(In this specific piece the big strong fast as fuck invincible fly, which looks like a roach, rushes out from the field to get the drop on its victim and chop its fukn head off.
SLAYER RULZ, DIE DIE DIE!!!)

 

THANK YOU FOR READING! <3
(I somehow stopped counting days – counting suxx!)

Edited by destoroyah
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ENTRY #35 - DAY XX:

Skatan_Worshipper.thumb.jpg.4b5bc6024d02

This one is called "Skatan Worshipper", a coloration/collage of a picture I drew back in 2006. I robbed the sunshine at http://www.wallpaperup.com/67838/Sunset_Sky_Sunlight.html – thanks.

Here's the description I wrote for deviantart:

HAIL SKATAN
HAIL SKATAN
HAIL SKATAN

the skateboard reads: COOL, DEAF and the skeleton is wearing sunglasses, like its blind.
An odd joke no one can understand. It's a pun at "death is blind" and "deafblindness" and being blind to death.
I'm sure Cool Deaf will make a reappearance someday, he's really cool.

 

I haven't gotten around writing my journal lately, but drawing/art – to me – is just as expressive.

 

PS @Pierce I just re-watched Conan I and it was the shit!

"Do you know what terrors lie behind these walls?"
-"No."
"Then, you go first."

Hahaha. I also like how there's a lot of nude women and blood. That's pretty cool. What I like best though is the "superficial deepness" that is consistent throughout the whole movie.

Edited by destoroyah
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I like the drawing, as usual, man. I would like to see Cool Deaf go on some wacky adventures, if that fits into your style.

Conan pulls us in with the nudity and gore, but keeps us there with the deep lessons. It's one of those movies I go to when my purpose in life is really murky or if I'm losing hope in the world.

To quote one of the Conan novels, "The woodsman sighed and stared at his calloused hand, worn from contact with ax-haft and sword-hilt. Conan reached his long arm for the wine-jug. The forester stared at him, comparing him with the men about them, the men who had died along the lost river, comparing him with those other wild men over that river. Conan did not seem aware of his gaze."Barbarism is the natural state of mankind," the borderer said, still staring somberly at the Cimmerian. "Civilization is unnatural. It is a whim of circumstance. And barbarism must always ultimately triumph."

It's our call to a state where we live authentically, without all of the excess that society heaps on us. There's a free ebook of that novel at Project Gutenberg Australia if you're interested.

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ENTRY #36 - DAY 72:

Note to self: Stop giving advice. Live examples, don't talk shit. Jealous because of the shining sun, not because of them people achieving.

I realized that I need to stop being an idiot. AGAIN. It's this weird feeling of regret with a pinch of stupidity. And then... well even after realizing shit, you know, tomorrow the wind will blow another way, you see another horizon and you sink your ship in another riff of the same shape. You just can't help being an idiot, even if you tell yourself "don't behave like that", "don't do that" or "don't be like that" – you'll still be like that, even if you know better.

I always got around that problem of not being able to direct the changes in my personality by telling myself "I am the sum of my experience. This world has made me into what I am, every thought I heed is an echo of things I perceived in one form or another. I am just a reflection.". It rids me of the guilt that occurs when I realize my dumbness. It grants me the ability to accept my flaws and takes away that "I must, I must, I must" urge that puts me under pressure and binds me – turns me frozen stiff in stone like by a medusa's gaze. In the end, my organism consists of more than just that inner monologue. Behavioral change is not driven by the monologue, but by a million things in a giant orchestra of chaos. By the shining sun, the food I eat and the lucky circumstance to stick my dick into a chick. The latter being a rather tasteless example, but I don't hide from my ugliness – if I undergo a behavioral change and deny a dumbass motive, that isn't going to keep me from moving in that direction and that isn't going to turn a despicable motive into a gallant one.

To forcefully control this orchestra of factors that imbue me, to run up to each instrument player and grab their hands to play music that sounds well, is impossible. I can't be at all places in time – even if I mastered every instrument. Ruling by the sword grants no stability. Instead you need to take the role of the conductor, be appealing to the players, be aware that you are at their mercy but also that most of them have the desire to play a nice melody in order to manifest their talents in a brief moment of time. Listen to that melody and keep conducting.

Maintain peace in my heart, look at the sky and take a deep breath. No matter what people say or think. No matter what you think they said or thought. Their minds and words are as temporary as the waves in an ocean. Surely there are big waves and your self-awareness can get capsized, but do as any captain of a small boat would, wait inside till it gets capsized again by another big wave playing in your favor.

Every moment in life has its beauty, as does every breath you take. Even when you feel bad now, you might remember it fondly one day. You are the sum of these moments, and if you are an idiot remember that many moments will still get added to that sum and also that you aren't the one doing calculus or writing down the numbers.

So... how to stop being an idiot? Pay attention to that heartbeat, tend it to beat slowly at all times unless you are pushing against the impossible. Only if the impossible fixes you, may you let that heart explode with full force – the impossible will surely take the whole blow without shattering, so you will not harm anyone. Maintain that slow breath, try to spend as much time in the space between heart and mind as possible, to not get capsized by their waves.

Surely you have power to move and change, but inertia is at play, you need to place your force at different angles to get where you want to go. So it's best to keep that body in a constant rotation to grant it stability and blow in the direction you want to go. Like a spinning top.

There. I'm a calm idiot again. Being a calm idiot is the best state I can achieve. Good!

PS: I've really gone up in drawing and coloring old pictures, it's like videogames for me now – kind of. Still some more digging to do, but I've realized my bold shittiness is actually a feat.

Edited by destoroyah
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Every moment in life has its beauty, as does every breath you take. Even when you feel bad now, you might remember it fondly one day. You are the sum of these moments, and if you are an idiot remember that many moments will still get added to that sum and also that you aren't the one doing calculus or writing down the numbers.

THIS. Yes! Spot on. I'm in the exact same boat. Perpetual optimism has failed me, because it is very easy to become cynical, but that mentality has not. From best I can tell, the present moment seems to be the best cure all for when we're feeling down. Past regrets fade and future worries no longer exist. It's incredibly difficult, but it's reassuring to know that this solution is there.

I'm glad you've found a reprieve in art. Mine's been old science fiction novels. It's refreshing that these hobbies are far more entertaining than electronics, but less addictive.

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@Pierce Science fiction. Hah, read Stanislav Lem "The Invincible"? Of the 3 books I read in my life, it must be one of my favorites. Oh and I still need to read Neuromancer, but the language is so whack and difficult to get into! I was always more of a science fiction guy, and I've always despised the concept of "magic" in literature.

 

ENTRY #37 - DAY XX:

So I finally had the courage to tell my dad that I fucked up this semester. He was sort of disappointed but not mad, I guess he's used to it by now. This means I won't be doing 6 months, but 12 more of uni, I can't stand it anymore. But now I feel free again. It feels like last semester caught me on the wrong foot, I really don't know where I went wrong, maybe because I built a gaming PC – but honestly, I wasn't even that into it anymore. Maybe because I quit gaming, it must've DESTRUKKTED my rhythm somehow. Probably that and a million other factors I can't tell anymore, a lack of purpose and will to be.

Listening to the first Maiden CD, still. It has a rough punky vibe to it, I really like it and it sums my mood up well. Quite youthful with a high heartbeat. Invincible, embracing the unknown. My body is developing nicely, I'm gonna wear sleeveless shirts this summer, at the very least for jogging. People complaining about my style can stay at home and watch game of thrones. Make some fanart for that and turn fat. I shit on you. My soul – or whatever I am – is free. Now that I've stopped denying my death, my failure, my destruction – the spring sun came up to greet me and cast a big shadow by me unto this world to rip some shit. I feel it isn't at the apex yet.

I watched Demolition Man just now again, it creates the same vibe as Conan, just that the balance is shifted. It's not the Heros that are strong – but the world that is weak. Sometimes I can feel strong for that reason as a normal dude that's doing OK. Everywhere I see, I see shittiness and things or people that struck my heart with fear some months and years ago are doing quite horribly now and sucking – or I've outgrown them demons. I really don't give a fuck which one it is of the two, not like I can hang up a sign in the world saying "y'all suck". I don't get better by feeling proud and any advantage I've ever had, any greatness ever felt was temporary. So I will cherish these few breaths when it lasts and gaze at the stars in contemplation of all the forfeits I've experienced to be here.

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ENTRY #38 - DAY XX:

Gaaaah!! I'm still an idiot.

I wish I had been spared the realization. To live is to suffer. To breathe is to choke. Something stuck in my throat, it will never callout. A scream, a shout, a cry or vomit – I'll never find out.

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ENTRY #40 - DAY XX:

I purchased a training bench for home now. It's a pretty good model featuring negative, neutral and 85-90° stance. I can use it for just about every exercise, it's foldable and pretty durable. I can see where money was saved on the design (it's quit cheap for all the features, the cushions are mediocre, nuts are welded into place and manufacture techniques applied are low-cost – but reasonably durable). As I only pack 65kg and with weights currently about 110kg – its safe for me.

I'm really happy with my purchase and I managed to hit the sweet spot cost-efficiency+quality+features on a first try. I knew from the pictures where static/mechanical weaknesses of the contstruction are, here sheet-metal with a strength of 4mm was used, welded in place on the long edges – good! The bolts are stainless steel and with a diameter of 1cm – nice! Every time I examined the parts I thought "ugly, cheap but effective durability and functionality wise". They used normed parts whenever possible, lots of nuts, screws and washers – nothing fancy. Welded steel profiles for the frame, no whacky design shit. I'm very happy. Giving it a whirl now.

 

EDIT: Whoa, my back feels so good, it went *knack knack* – in a good way. Sooo good! I'll probably be walking like John Wayne toworrom. Tomorrow.

EDIT2: Holy shit. My back is so awesome. This is the best feeling ever. It's like better than sex, because it's lasting so long. I feel happy all over. I don't know what I did, but I'll do it again. Sit ups on an incline must've exempted enough force in a critical direction to put my spine into place or something. I can tip my feet while standing straight, not totally well, but I have NEVER been able to do that. My back was a severe victim of hogging the screen for years.

Edited by destoroyah
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You've raised the serpent mate! You're a demigod now! Aligned your kundahleieneienei or whatever it's fucking called! You know, that big energy ball at the base of your spine those hindus go on about. And those whackos over at joyofsatan.com too!

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You've raised the serpent mate! You're a demigod now! Aligned your kundahleieneienei or whatever it's fucking called! You know, that big energy ball at the base of your spine those hindus go on about. And those whackos over at joyofsatan.com too!

Yea... Exactly man, that was just what I was saying!

Anyho, I got new picture I need to share (and I significantly need to admit that I suck using colored pencils):

 

ENTRY #41 - DAY XX:

Loneliness_0001.thumb.jpg.3c6c5f15653fed

This is called "Loneliness".

I had a particularly shitty day today, and realized that I was pretty much alone with all my shit. I mean I got these forums, I got flatmates and colleagues – but no one that like really listens to my shit, that really knows and understands me inside out. No one I can bitch to but my journal, no place where I can act weak. It's due to the fact that I quit so many things, every time I quit something – I quit some friendships with it. Now there's more people having expectations of me and pointing out my faults, than people that tell me "things are OK.". Occasionally I realize this, which then really creates a feeling of loneliness in me. I wanted to train but I felt kinda sad, I thought about just going to sleep - but it was too early. So I drew a picture or two. I locked the feeling up in there, I hope it stays.

As a reference, I've had this picture of my inner child living with a wolf in my mind for a long time. It was a method of me coping with the fact that my childhood ended quite abruptly and that I never had a chance to "live out" all these things kids do. The wolf is there for the kid – so he isn't as lonely, because I had to put him away somewhere inside me, to move on. I can't really explain, it's kind of awkward. I had to become my own parent in order to "grow up", and I needed some model in mind to preserve the inner kid. But he'd die or go crazy on his own, so there's the wolf. And if I ever need the kid he's there and well tended to, I visualize most of my emotions with this model, when I lose touch with myself.

It's really complicated. I'm not sure I understand it myself, but it's a method I use to visualize thoughts and emotions – when my words just run in circles or when life has gotten me down. This is the first time I ever attempted to draw it.

Edited by destoroyah
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I'll admit this to you:

My whole life I never really had a friend either; someone who I resonated with on an emotional level. Then I found you (and a bunch of other people). I know that sounds pretty gay but I have actually been considering if people on gamequitters and nofap are my friends. You are the one who I've shared the most with thus far and you are also the one who I like the most. However, i still have my doubts. 

I thought shit like: "no they're twice my age", "no they live in another country", "no I don't share much with them on an emotional level". And I also thought that even if I gave it my utmost to find these people and really connect with them then I would still flop. I would think think think because I was afraid. Afraid of openness. I suck at being nice to people. But I always understand.

But perhaps I am not just afraid; perhaps this world is not meant for friendship. It wouldn't work because I have seen it fail in real life many a time: outside of the forums too I have known people I have shared a part of my soul with. But things soon got stale and we began to lock horns. More temporary 'friends'.

I am starting to think now that perhaps this soul to soul connection; when someone truly looks at you- it's something we just don't get. I mean look at what I've been doing for the entirety of this post- talking about me me me. We're condemned to face the void alone in this life. We even have an unwillingness to open up to others because of a fear that we will lose our footing in this world of machines. But even if you hold on to each other for a time the world calls and you are ripped apart. Nothing can tarry in life. Not even what we value the most. Our body is constantly changing; our mind is constantly changing; our soul is constantly changing. But, what remains the same is our memories.

When I leave this site and everyone on it behind I will remember the people I met and the things I shared and I will take refuge in these memories when the time comes. So, tim, I will remember you and that's all I can promise you. As I said I suck at being nice, but, know that I do look at you from time to time.

There is actually a manga on this topic called Homunculus. Good read. Check it out.

 

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@Schwing I'd say we are friends in a way, but we got to be pragmatic and call it "online friends" – as not to get disappointed with false expectations or be deluded. You can't give me a hug or call me an idiot with the same unmediated directness as a person that shares my space and reality. You don't know what I look and sound like, or what the places I spend time in are like. You can't imagine me in those situations as accurately. Anything you think about me is a depiction based on my written words – and written words are just one "channel" of me. There is posture, facial expressions, smell, tone of voice, physical appearance and what I do on the other channels. Most people I meet in real life don't tune in on the written channel though, at least not this one with the big cohesive texts –  maybe the "chat" one on WhatsApp or whatever. That's another channel again though. If I present this channel to people around me (which I did like 2-3 times all my life), they are usually stupefied because they would never expect me to write this much in a foreign language. They say things like "I would never have guessed that you think this much about things!!" – because I'm pretty much a cheerful idiot on all other channels. This is a very special side of me, maybe the most honest and self-critical one – but also kind of theatrical and pompous than I am in reality.

 
Written words are always thought about and thus can have more precision in them. They can't be taken back as easily, are more lasting. A friendship like this isn't the same as a direct one, there is little room for bullshit. Of course being online-friends does also have advantages, usually we act more intelligent, we "learn" more in theoretic aspects and also we can share some things more freely due to the anonymity. There is no reason to break trust, there is little potential for scheming and gossip – that grants security and takes away the hurdle of fear and paranoia. There are little grounds for rejection – if one is fat and stinky, we could still be having a good time without getting distracted by our prejudices or physical limitations.
You see, that's more of a "stoic" friendship. I don't condemn this, or call this "not a friendship" – but loneliness can't be ailed as effectively by it, that's a big limitation. Of course we could meet any day and change that, but then I'd be "that balding hairy 30 year old guy" and you "the teen" – and shit could go south and awkward real fast!!

I do appreciate it, though! Don't underestimate your importance in my life, there is some. And your post did kind of help ail my feeling of loneliness – in a way of mind. The sharing of our thoughts and art does make a great basis for friendship, because it has a deepness and outspokenness that I rarely pack in the real world – so yea, I too think that we got something special that is good. And of course it will turn to memory one time or another, at latest when we get killed – BRUTAL!
But don't paint it so black, enjoy it while it lasts and make use of it to find some answers while you can – and I need to stop "explaining" and "lecturing" everything. What a test, I have been learning to practice self restraint on telling people to "get their shit straight" – a big flaw of mine that needs addressing on the road to building friendships, and I'm grateful for that.

Loneliness is always there, even if you have a girlfriend or wife – even family. It's not the absence of people, it's in you – as you said on deviantart. It's a kind of mindset that results from the absence of social interaction and I don't think it's an all bad feeling. It only gets bad when paired with hopelessness, despair and a long duration. It's often there, when you've gone through something that other people haven't. When you've experienced something that other people don't share a memory of in the same perspective. I've had many such cases, sometimes due to an odd perspective and sometimes due to odd experiences, and I'd call myself an expert on the field, yet I can still get overwhelmed. Luckily I write, draw, listen to Iron Maiden and got people like you to back me up then. Today I'll get back to my training, because my heart is filled with spirit again – I won't let some douchy feeling drag me down and I'll stop writing "meaningful" girlie wall of texts now!!

Edited by destoroyah
PS I'll have to check out that Manga – I just haven't read comics in like... 10 years and reading on computer screens screws me up.
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True shit!

This made me reevaluate my idea of a friend. I suppose friendship is not something based in reality but in our heads. I guess the best way you could describe it is: "a person who frequently gets rid of the feeling of loneliness". Therefore it takes many forms. Here I see a particular side of you.  A projection. One of many stimuli to keep my sanity in check! I can label it in many different ways, I can try and crack it down to the roots and examine it but that's not the way to go. Whatever this is I am grateful for it! Big girlie walls of text included.

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I guess the best way you could describe it is: "a person who frequently gets rid of the feeling of loneliness".

That's right, but just one aspect. It's not only about loneliness, but many other things – despair, suffering, not having the means to get over certain difficulty, getting back on earth when in a hubris and getting back up when on the ground, having fun and much much more! Like a point of gravity to keep your thoughts anchored. "What would X think if I do this now?" – it's like another perspective to life that you can emulate that helps you away from one-sidedness, inspires you and helps you attack problems from new angles. Spend time together and overcome things that you cannot alone.

Don't worry, you will find friends in your world someday – I'm sure of it. While you haven't got any, work on yourself on a repertoire of knowledge to increase the chances by having interesting hobbies and things to say. Be where you want to be, to meet the people that do things you like by overcoming yourself.

EDIT: Holy shit. I am currently changing up my training plan to incorporate more back stretching. I'm totally raped. The pain is pleasure though – Brutal!

 

Edited by destoroyah
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ENTRY #42 - DAY XX:

Before it was loneliness. Now all people are to me is a nuisance. Like they can't take a shit on their own. It's a chore cleaning up after them. It's a chore listening to their endless bullshit "I want I want I want". I never say "I want" – I just feel lonely. I don't even want... just my peace. Just leave me alone. Don't talk about me. Don't ask me for anything. I only feel lonely if I am alienated – if there isn't anyone criticizing me, demonstrating me that I am alone, then I don't feel alone.

I don't care what you own. I don't care about your cheerful authentic practiced trained laugh. Just stay away from me. I don't care how often you get laid. I don't give a shit about your hobbies, you just pursue them to get my – or anybody's – appreciation.

I need to learn to live without appreciation – because I will never get as much as I need. I need to learn that love will not solve anything – because it never lasts. I need to learn that everyone thinks only about themselves – because no one thinks about me.

I need to abuse the fact that people want appreciation – to take revenge. I need to abuse the fact that people want love – revenge. I need to abuse the fact that everyone thinks about their gains – revenge revenge revenge.

I need to give them their appreciation – to get what I need. I need to give them their love – to get what I need. I need to give them what they want – to get what I want.

 

I need I must I... don't want this shit anymore. I want to stop needing. I don't care. Who you are. I don't respect your status – your mask bores me. Your material possessions bore me. I seek more. I will find more and destroy you. I will annihilate your essence and show you life beyond life. A tear in my eye when I do, a tear of joy in yours when you find out the truth about me.

 

There is no one out there that can give me what I can give. There is no one out there that gives what I seek. There is no one out there that gives me what I trained to give – mislead by the golden rule.

 

Why did you alter my mind. I never wanted to be this educated. I want to go back to being afraid of the dark and cheerful in the sun. To running fast and jumping. Eating food that tastes good. Sleeping the sleep free of thoughts. Having simple dreams of primal fear and joy.

I never wanted to be part of the world these humans have established. With their right and wrong. With their categorizing to get more numbers out of numbers.

I know, that what we have is great, but I never asked for it. Let me live carefree and die with 35. Life wasn't meant to be like this, sitting in rooms all day and studying for tomorrow. To fulfill contracts and worry about deadlines. Time is irrelevant – it's finite then infinite.

I want to disappear. I want to be invisible. I want to be unheard and never spoken of. I just want my peace. How much longer must I endure your proclamations of truths – which will prove false another day. Why does nature want to pass on genes. It only fights itself. May my body not nourish some earthworm that does something useful...? Would that be a "waste" of good motherly love and hard fatherly work? Did I choose them? Did I want to come here? Am I unthankful in questioning that?

 

Oh no. I am thinking too much. I have to work these 2 weeks, because someone fell and hurt their knee spontaneously and after 2 days I already hate my life. I'd rather fall and get hurt spontaneously. Moaning around, expecting people to feel sorry for my misfortune like a stupid bitch of destiny. It caught me at the wrongest of wrong moments. I don't want this. I will resort to performing badly to secure my heart. My pulse is too high. I want to choke someone, because they are stupid. They all are. I see no intelligence where I go. Their talk is so boring. Shadows. They are just shadows of words someone has once said, all they say feels like a slowly spooled tape. So boring to read and listen to... I must learn to listen anyways. Just listen.

And when there is silence, keep on listening.

There is no me. There is no free will. I am. I will be. And then I won't be. Like a tree or a stone. Like a planet or a sun. Like any temporary form of matter under the influence of time. I will disperse and disappear while remaining for eternity. Don't bother me with telling what you want. You are just a state of matter in a moment of time. You will be over soon.

Edited by destoroyah
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ENTRY #43:

I relapsed yesterday. On day 89. I must be fucking stupid. Day 89, psh. Fuck this.

I don't know what to write. Easter caught me in a bad situation. The weather is extremely shitty, people are all spending time with their family and I got too much free time on my hands – alone.

That isn't fair, but I guess anyone who relapses has something like this to say, so I stopped counting. I will start over next week, I won't pressure myself, because bashing myself over it would be counter-productive. I hope it works out.

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ENTRY #44 – DAY 0:

Okay. Thing is, I played Diablo 1 after stumbling over an HD mod that enables it to play widescreen and 1080p and I was like "whoooaa".

So I played it. And it was fuckin' awesome, it was everything I wanted it to be and the best Diablo ever. I've had a deep connection with this game, my brother and I have played it since release. This game is like... part of me. I think Diablo 2 and 3 are for pussies and Diablo 1 is the shit with proudness and everything. I love the sound design, I love the graphics, I love the stupid story and the fact that "This is the dungeon, there is only one dungeon and you have to keep on going down. This is it. Nothing else.". I loved the simplicity. The stupidity and the brutality. That after death you lose ALL your equipment and that players can hurt each other in multiplayer by default. The darkness and loneliness it conveys. The soundtrack.

So... I'm not surprised that this game caught me. It's like... my favorite game of all time and it unifies all things I love about gaming.

I just uninstalled it and deleted my save. Even though I had fun and even if it was the coolest shit ever, I realized that the hours were passing and I was out of this world. I realized that I was losing track of time. I noticed that I was not taking a shit when I needed to take a shit and that I was putting off other things as well. I realized that I was not confronting my emotions but rather putting them off. I noticed that with every hour I wasted on gaming, I was losing my edge – my ability to kick ass.

I didn't make the 90 days detox and... well I wouldn't call myself a failure because I got like 89.5 and it isn't a black and white thing. It's not like on day 90 some enlightenment occurs and you get your shit straight – but deep inside I probably was kind of expecting that. I was expecting that shit would "solve itself" when I abstain from gaming and I was "let down" by the fact that it doesn't. It's not that simple, the changes are gradual and very hard to notice, it's hard to keep track. In my disappointment I manifested doubt in me, and that doubt led to the relapse. I was thinking "well, if shit doesn't make a difference anyways, I might as well play videogames! Oh cool, check it out, the Diablo 1 mod I've been hoping for since the last decade! What a coincidence!". I hadn't accomplished many improvements in my life, and the improvements were very subtle.

To rebuild myself I need to assess some things that "not-gaming" has brought into my life:

ADVANTAGES:

1.       saved time

2.       sports = lean and healthy, posture

3.       intimidating, less shy, kindness

4.       cash

5.       mind and heart more unified, improved concentration, ability to listen, memory and organizational skills, multi-tasking, emotional stability, enjoy the things at hand, focus

6.       read books, gain useful skills and get inspired

7.       drawing and getting real appreciation feels much better

8.       less things are reliant on chance, take control, grow much more predatory

9.       open to new things, not afraid to try something new, horizon has expanded greatly.

10.   eating habits have improved, healthy

 

PROBLEMS:

·         Loneliness

·         Boredom

 

I hope my 2.5 days of relapse have not too much negative impact. In my mind I will treat my relapse as an experiment as to how gaming is affecting me with new eyes. Not as a failure to complete 90 days, in my mind I'll just pretend that I made it as to not have too much negativity hovering over me. Losing my self-trust and confidence would be counter-productive.

I will print out this list as a reminder of the improvements I have made, to motivate me to "stick to it".

 

What follows now is a tedious session of finding out what's fucked up, I don't recommend reading it (it's full of shit, kinda):

For clarity on colors, see notes at ***, don't worry, I'm just analyzing myself to assess damage.

What a chore. I hope I don't lose my stability in "not-gaming". I should have written such a list sooner, I never made clear to myself that I am improving, no one around IRL has cheered me on. Fuck! Always telling myself that I'm good enough to handle my own shit can turn into a problem when I stumble. I need to rely on people more, sadly I seem to be fucking terrible at finding new friends. I have learned to find friends by smoking weed, drinking and playing games – I need new methods. Having turned 30 hasn't made things easier though, they all expect you to be a professional at this age, so you can't just march in as a dumbass and learn from your mistakes – you gotta read up on what you get into. I need to find methods of getting to know people – or better yet finding methods on getting to know people that I like. I dislike them all. I need to work on myself in that aspect. I need to find out why I think that everyone is a stupid motherfucker. I need to find out why I find it a "waste of time" to converse with them. Why I feel that they never tell me anything new, why I feel that there is no information in their heads of use.

I'm stuck up. But that isn't all of it. I'm an elitist and acting more on the part than being it. I need to lower my expectations of others, but it seems unreasonable because I'm struggling with so much and I see dumb motherfuckers all about snacking at McDonald's and playing "Match 3 Games".

How the fuck am I supposed to make friends with these people? Either they're fucking clueless – or they know so much about their subject that they're fucking busy smartassing me up about it.

That is my perception at least. And it is false. I generalize too much. I need to find the middle-ground, but the middle ground is so low profile that it never reaches my attention. I only look up and down.

Hm. Okay. Well I can't change the world, so I'll need to discover some new social weaknesses in me that need fixing. Sadly I am surrounded by dumb motherfuckers in my apartment that can't teach me jack despite me having the attitude "everyone can teach me something". They can't. One of them needs more iodine in his thyroid gland and the other is 10 years younger than me living in vanity. I see no trait in them that impresses me the slightest. Is that already the error? Should I be able to see the positive thing in them? One of them is busy constantly challenging me in every single aspect thinkable, constantly having moodswings and lashing unfounded aggression at me, promising things that he doesn't keep based on his "forgetfulness" because he has some easy-to-fix hormone deficiency and the other hasn't realized yet that you should take out the trash, when the trashcan is full, and remove your moldy shit from the fridge, when the fridge stinks and take a piss while sitting down so the toilet don't smell like urine and throw away a dirty sponge when packing out a new one instead of hiding it for "safe keeping". Fucking idiots. How am I able to learn from them? You tell me. And whats worst is that they both have girlfriends that giggle 24/7. Like WTF, these guys couldn't wipe their own ass if a Mafiosi put a Tommy gun to their head, and they are in stupid happy relationships.

Is that unfair? No, I don't have a girlfriend because I lack the ability to see past the 100 flaws and weaknesses that I spot at first sight. I have become wary that I should never attempt to fix them, but I also know that if I don't fix them that I have to live with them. And I don't. I don't want to live with your illness, stupidity, addiction and unhealthy shit. Your dorky face and ugly butt. Your lack of education. Your inability to fight, work hard and improve yourself. Your inability to speak open about it. Your fucking WhatsApp and smartphone addiction. Your fake fingernails and overdone makeup. Your shitty taste in music that I'd feel embarrassed for. Your inability to discern a good movie from a bad one. Your inability to speak English as well as I do. Your inability to sit down and get your ass to do shit. Your inability to take a drill and drill a hole in the wall. To fix shit. What can a woman give me except sex? Nothing. In fact she just lays hurdles. Stupid hurdles that I kick out of my way. Since the emancipation of women, I have been left with teaching myself how to clean, cook and get my room to look tidy and "in chime" with colors. I have been left with teaching myself the fashion and good clothes. Teaching myself to treat my body. If anyone tells me something new, I feel challenged in my competence. So what's left for you to do for me? Nothing. How can we have fun together? I'll tell you, Step 1: Quit wasting my time. Step 2: Stay the fuck out of my way. Step 3: You don't tell me anything. Step 4: Ask directly for my help if you need it, because I won't help you otherwise. Yea, that's me putting the "nsh" in "relationship" – the sound of getting punched in the face that is.

I know what I just wrote down is wrong. And I know some women probably think similarly, and I really really want to stay out of their way, because I know they'd explode my face.

But that's the frustration that I need to get rid off. Those are the things that I need to work out in order to get along with people. I think more negative about them, than positive. In fact, I see no single positive trait in any person, except the few friends I have. That's not a good basis for getting to know people.

I really don't know how to fix this. I'm reading "How to win friends and influence people" but all I see are new tactics to manipulate them. To get them to do what I want them to do. Not a book on how to "Accept their idiocy" to "See the good in them".

Maybe I'm just really unlucky with the people I've met so far in life (actually I really believe this), but my experience has shaped me – and the result is a fucked up antisocial piece of shit. I'm not rude, I'm not unkind, I'm just extremely defensive and life has taught me to stay the fuck away from people because they fuck my shit up. I'm not afraid of them. I'm not anxious. I just see no good in them. NOTHING good. Not a single good trait. NOTHING. And if someone is superior to me, I only attempt to find methods to make their positive traits my own. Learn from them. But I don't need them around to learn from them, I can teach myself after I have seen their strength. In fact, I have never really learned from anybody. I get like an inferiority complex when someone is better than me. Then I hide, train train train, and come back when I'm better than them. Or comparable. I don't challenge them then, but I feel safe and I don't need to avoid them then. I'm totally fucked up. There is no light in my world.

How can I fix that? Do I need a shrink? I don't think I can accept a shrink, because the second he tells me something I'd feel challenged by him and I'd want to prove him wrong or get my own degree in psychology so I don't need to accept him as my mentor – so I don't need to listen to his potentially incompetent bullshit. No matter the cost.

So there's my problem. I can't accept the idea of anyone being better than me. In ANYTHING. And anyone who is worse than me is deemed a "SUCKA" that needs to be told. I have stopped telling for now though, but the perspective remains.

It doesn't make sense though, because in reality I am quite "calm" and a "good person" – at least if I can heed the feedback that I get. But what's going on in my mind, a constant struggle and over-the-top competitiveness is the complete opposite of what I seem to be to the outside world.

***I need a model:

  1. Outside me (only assessable by feedback from other people, which is oddly usually positive in nature – but this may have other reasons)
  2. Inside me (instinct; evil, competitive, apeman, cool, exciting, masculine) <– fucked up by living in a weird world and having learnt stupid truths, learns whatever it wants
  3. deep inside me (reason; good, smart, slow, requires lots of peace to work, has not much to say and is pretty boring) <– learns what I choose.

I just realized this is the same model as David Kahneman in "thinking fast and slow". I should finish that book.

Hm. Whatever. Time I get moving. Stupid fucking mental work, I hate this shit. My "problems" and shit, I wanna punch someone! Stupid freaking girlsy waste of time shit. As if anything I ever write down in one of these sessions ever hits the mark. Motherfucking piece of shit crap world shit.

Edited by destoroyah
compacted my list
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@28_yrs_of_gaming Thanks dude.

 

ENTRY #45 – DAY X (no time for counting):

A normal workday (I only manage to pull this off 2-3 times/week on working days):

0720h Wake up
0900h Work
1300h Break
1400h Work
1800h Go Home
1845h Run 7.5-10 kms at 8°C in a Hailstorm with 2 uphills in shorts and t-shirt (sometimes in the dark with a flashlight)
19XXh Start Weightlifting (IDK why I need 2h to lift, I go slow and listen to Music)
2200h Shower
2215h Cook
2230ish Eat & Watch an Episode of some dumb series
2320ish Sleep

Edited by destoroyah
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