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destoroyah

Destoroyah's Meltdown

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Hell yeah man! Nice to hear of your recovery.  Congratulations on the QWERTZ switch. Typing blind is just the extra push you need. You'll do just fine. 

About your health, make sure you only do enough exercise not to wear your system out. You said you did 50%. That seems fine just stay extra safe. 

Good shout on Psychosomatic. I'm more of a gama bomb, lich king kinda guy myself. 

Also, a lot of people find purpose in work. I think we all have the ability to do just that. I'm trying my best now to achieve that haha. 

 

Seek Excellence in Essence.

 

Kind regards, 

-Cs

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ENTRY 18 - DAY 32:

Where am I? How the fuck did I get here? And why is everything moving so damn fast??

Quitting gaming was like releasing the handbrakes, but the world seems so quick that I sometimes wonder if I'm in reverse. People keep yelling instructions, but their voices sound like the chipmunks drowned in Doppler effect. Leaving me behind embazzled with the letters W, T and F in my face - without order. I'm from another world. It seems many I meet are etched with either anger or fear permanently, like Two-Face had pressed a hot coin in their forehead at birth. I see people with shaking hands, aged 20 and people aged 45 angry like teens. You counter them with commanding looks and pointing fingers, or palms and understanding eyebrows.

Work is fucked up. I did my job fulltime this week, and yea, you grow into it.. and it has good sides... but no man. I ain't doin that for long! I woke up at 7 and tried to go to bed at 9. I was lucky to eat. I was lucky just sitting. I was thankful in the morning to be sitting in a train doing nothing for 10 minutes. Fuck, that was one of my highlights on daily basis - sitting on that train with a home-made coffee in my hand, listening to pointless chatter of other people till the graffiti mile of the main-station drew my attention away like a colorful LSD trip. Constantly thinking "I wish I had your problems, I'd solve them in 3 minutes and then go juggle my balls all week!".

Sleeping was the best. I slept so well, I felt like a polar bear dozing off thru a month of polar night. I woke up chewing air and scratching my belly like Al Bundy. But shit, I'll never work 8 hours a day, no man, that's not my thing, sir. It's retarded, that comes from a time when women educated children and cooked for men. Those times are over. I'm not complaining. My life, my mind my body are too precious to be your eternal slave. I just want a couple of bucks, something to eat and a roof on my head. I'd gladly give up computers and TVs. I don't need a car. I don't need a house. I just want to eat and sleep. My thoughts and my heart are enough to entertain me. I don't think that I'd even need a girlfriend or people. I need no internet, I'm fine with books. Maybe I need some music, but if I can't have playback, give me a drum or a banjo.

Fuck your "pleasures". Possessions just possess you, the truly rich are rich in heart. Fuck your paper, I use it to wipe myself when I'm done thinking of y'all. 

 

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Let them keep their trinkets. You don't have to play their game. That's why I like you. You realize that it's all a game, and therefore can make your own rules. Go build yourself a palace in your mind and then do with the external world as you will.

Hey, and I take the bus twice a day, so I can completely relate to the joy that those rides and sleep can bring. Makes us appreciate them both more.

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Thanks guys, words like those keep me standing!

 

PS: fuck, I fucked it up, that journal entry up there is day 33.

Edited by destoroyah
I can't calculate dates

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ENTRY #19 - DAY 35:

This weekend is just chill. I am at peace with mind, body and...

...there is no soul!!

Uh, right. You are still there, lying in wait, ready to ruin every single fucking moment if my brain isn't occupied.

I still had some money left over, got myself some new-used levis and blank keycaps for my mechanical keyboard. I hope they fit, because I'm running a chinese production model - and shit is known to have problems with measuring tolerances. But whatever, I'll be running a black keyboard with blank white letterkeys. It's gonna be so h4xx0r. Next week I hope to be making the jump to Arch Linux, I'm already shitting my pants in 1337ness, it's green and the smell is funky.

I'll order a 30€ chinese SSD for the swapping project. It'd be wise to leave my windows 10 untouched for now. I'll throw its harddrive in a corner and see how long I can do without. Delivery is in march, so I'm gonna take the one from my laptop and leave the laptop "naked" running on one of my oldschool mechanical HDDs if needed.

I know I could do all this for free, and just partition my SSD, but... I don't wanna run a Frankenstein monster PC with two operating systems. Linux 100%, if that doesn't work then fuck Linux, but I'm pretty sure it'll work if I am relentless enough and able to cope with some cutbacks in software alternatives.

... and I'll do anything to get rid of advertising in my login screen and "rate windows 10" requests. Surely you could "hack it away", but dafuq? It's like cockroaches in my bed countered with insect spray. This shit was whack since when they said it'd be free.

*sings*

Welcome to reality.

There is no soul and nothing is free!!

Even fucking costs money!

Exactly.

The easy way out is set with a million mousetraps, fuck you, I'm taking the scenic route. Just to breathe freely, to be without your load of shit and serpent-y selling strategies. I've sold shit myself, and I know where it's at. It's those 10 cents you rob from every customers pocket with a smile - till it's the norm. Till you go for 20 cent with a smile, because everyone is doing 10 now. To be better and survive - 1% is enough. I'm keeping those 20 cents, bitches, to be able to say

"just my 2 cents"

While I chew a gum that I bought with the other 18. Cheap gum. Yea. Whatever.

Linux is the way to go, when you wanna stop being a ho. And I'm done being a corporate bitch. Finito.

 

PS My Logitech M570 is the shit. Since I deburred its opening for the ball with a knife. I really recommend it, it's so fun to use. I just want a ball that looks like a globe....

Edited by destoroyah

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ENTRY #20 - DAY 37:

I got off the rest of this week. I got off till mid march. Nearly a month. I got no Uni stuff to be done, except that 1 assignment about Linux and some program on it. Maybe I have to write some applications for an internship. It should be easy to get one.... but I'll need to put in like 20 minutes of effort per day.

It's all clear. A lot of time and little tasks. But these shitty little tasks are what kill me. Put me under pressure, I'll bitch and moan, but move mountains. Give me air to breathe - I die. I think many people are like this. Handling the impossible with shit in their pants - still handling it alright, but not being able to do the "normal" stuff. I need to assess the situation and get some skills in this. It's really a weakness of mine, a big one because it costs me my peace at heart so many times.

Getting started is the worst. Once I get started - no problem. But getting started is like casting a spell that I don't know the ritual for. I often make it, but then I'm surprised of great magic. I do the right things, but unintentionally. It works out, but it's at the last minute, as if there were a counter in my head that runs into alert mode when matters switch from "makeable" to "unmakeable", setting me off like TNT. But before that happens, I build totems to engage my spirit and dreamwalk all my deeds meticuosly. Everything is planned at the last minute for weeks, so I can do it in days in a big hurry. I estimate it all perfectly, it works out, but I'll be running 150% to get it done and go crazy. Crunching my teeth into time as if it were matter - but just crunching and cringing at nothing in pursuit of a deadline. Behind me that humonguos wave of afraidency, when a single drip of it touches me I think: "I can't do this, I can't do this.". Luckily I get a grip usually and bulldoze on, but if that wave would envelop me, then I'd give up - right there - and drown.

Why is everything such a challenge, and will life always remain a challenge? When I asked my colleague who is 10 years older than me, she said "It doesn't get easier. That's for sure.". There is no end to this, there is no eternal peace or happiness. There is no solution. We all grow old, wither and die while climbing evergrowing obstacles. It really doesn't make any sense to keep going at all. As an atheist, believing in eternal nothingness after death, there is no bank account you pay into with good deeds or "doing the right thing". Nah you need better reasons, right now and here in the here and now.

When I decided that there is nothing, after having stood at the crossroads of agnosticism gazing at the stars for many years, I chose it because it seemed more "brutal". More "heavy metal", "the hard way". I wanted to be cool and invincible. I thought that "I had it in me" to make it. Also I chose it, because it made a lot more sense and my gut feeling told me "don't rely on something that isn't your tool". Putting my fate and wishes into the hands of a god seemed like giving up.

After I made that choice, I was able to continue my journey. I had made a big assumption, but that was the price for keeping moving on. Life forced me to make this assumption and I could have made it either way, but I chose nothingness. Continuing the journey meant having to face all these harsh facts. There are no "ghosts" "spirits" or "gods", except the ones we place in each others heads. There is no afterlife. Life is all you get and you can't do anything wrong, because once you die you'll forget everything and disperse. There is no right either, because of the same reason. You yourself, and only you, may determine what is right and what is wrong - and you can even choose to deem the concept of "right and wrong" as bullshit altogether. Religious people have called me egoistic and conceited in putting myself into this high position over myself. I think the proclamation of egoism towards another is in itself "egoistic" and because I think that's complete bullshit, I have stopped believing in egoism. There is no egoism and no altruism. Our minds are not good enough to weigh all the factors of self benefit and universal benefit. An "egoistic" action can help the majority and an "altruistic" one may destroy it. The intention don't mean shit, I can tell any intention I want afterwards.

Thinking about egoism only lead to fruitless moments of doing nothing. No fun. No productivity. No grand scheme or moral to follow. Nothing. I got enough nothing after death. Thinking whether or not an action was "egoistic" did not improve my qualities as a "good" human being.

With that out of the way, I also ditched free will. I am the sum of my experience, my being here is the result of my materia being here in the alignment that it is. If there would be free will, I would have no personality. I am proud to be the sum of my experience. The absence of free will doesn't mean that I am not responsible for my actions. And if anyone thinks otherwise - stand in my way - I'd say "there is no responsibility". Because it's just a concept as well.

You only know these things because people told you. Because they taught you the shit they had been taught. Because someone invented these concepts. These words. If the words wouldn't exist, so wouldn't the concepts. There wouldn't be egoism. There would be something else. If ancient greek philosophers had eaten a different meal, had sex and a sunny day - they would've written a different truth for you to memorize.

Eternal nothingness gives me the power to say "fuck you". There's always a way out. You try to frame me? I won't jump out of the frame - I'll fucking break it.

And then you say "you can't do this." - oh yea? Who told you that? Mom? Fuck you and your rules. I do what I want. You think I'm conceited and egoistic? I just take your shit and break you. Spartanic and darwinistic you call me? Fuck darwinism. I'll not surrender because of some concept, I don't give a shit about statistics. I am one. I can be anything. I can kick your ass if I want to.

So is there alien life? Yea there is. It's some boringass bacteria on a remote planet no one gives a shit about except some whacky biology student that smells funny.

 

There, your truth.

 

Oh and as for willpower - keeping moving on and all that. The eternal fight - struggle... well I got a secret recipe: There is no future. There is no past. It's only in your head. All that matters is this second. This second in absence of pain and preferably thought.

My theories aren't founded or anything, I make shit up on the go, because thinking requires me to stop. Stopping is bad. Never stop. Never surrender. Never die. I know it's pretty dim witted, but I had been thinking a LOT about it, before I went berserk. Thinking made me ill. I can't always stick to what I wrote up there, but I do my best. And I feel much better now. Isn't that what it's all about? Feeling better?

Take away all hope and dreams and learn to appreciate reality. When it rains don't think of inbound sunshine, think "can't it rain harder?".

Feel the wet clothes. That thought you despise. It's not that bad. Only your parents said it would be. Humans are animals. Don't deny it, you'll feel better. You are a stupid fuck, don't try to be something else. It's OK. It's not so bad as you make it out to be. Get in there. Get dirty.

 

I should install Linux. Soon. Sooner. I hope I didn't bite off more than I can chew. ARRR! *chunk* *chunk*

Edited by destoroyah

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You're right, we have been thinking along the same lines. There is no altruism, only animalistic survival. Still, as a social species we've found ways to make mutualism a far better strategy than anarchy. That hasn't stopped us from harming one another, but has artificially curbed the chaos a bit.

Embrace the void, and let its impending embrace lead you to enjoy each moment. That's definitely something I can work on.

Also, if you ever have some free time and are interested in inquiring more on what the ego actually is, I highly recommend checking out Actualized.org: https://www.actualized.org/articles/the-enlightened-self. This guy has a lot of interesting ideas on the subject. I don't know what I think about them yet, but they have got me thinking about it a lot.

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@Pierce I'm skeptical about "enlightenment". But yea, let's ransack all his ideas! Haha. Thanks, it does seem sorta "alternative". Where do his ideas come from? Taoism? Hinduism? I'll need to find out.

I am often reading this book by Laozi called Tao Te Ching (ancient roots of Taoism - appearantly). I'm not done, I probably never will be, but there is another guy called Zhuangzi who has a book with his name - and it seems to be a radical and funny Tao Te Ching 2.0, he was a critic of Confucianism. I'm not deep in the subject, but from what I read, there are no gods and no holy powers - but opinions seem to vary -, it's very down to earth. They disregard thinking and also intellect. A return to nature seems the focus. Surely, someone like you who thinks knowledge is key will be skeptical to some concepts - but the theories or suggestions do show some resemblance to the stuff on "actualized.org". Both these books are like 100 pages and tiny, they fit in your back pocket - I often read the wisdom from Tao Te Ching, when I hang with a friend of mine in a park who can't seem to stop drinking and who is struggling with depression. It's like a bible, without god and fairy tales, and a lot of room for interpretation (mostly poems). Taoism may have an afterlife and spirit aspect, but I think I'll just take the ancient texts and interpret them myself. Pretty rad! And sometimes funny. They weren't too serious, I like that.

Here an excerpt (Wikipedia, my book is in German):

Knowing others is wisdom;
Knowing the self is enlightenment.
Mastering others requires force;
Mastering the self requires strength;
He who knows he has enough is rich.
Perseverance is a sign of will power.
He who stays where he is endures.
To die but not to perish is to be eternally present. (chap. 33, tr. Feng and English)

 

That is so cool! So compressed, it's like wisdom.zip 

Embrace the void, and let its impending embrace lead you to enjoy each moment. That's definitely something I can work on.

Sports are also good, clogged up arteries lead to an increased heart frequency - which is about as bad as taking exams and "unenjoyableness". It's very physical and seemingly easy to fix!

Awareness is also good. I dig that. But also very physical. Thinking in itself is so... unrewarding. You never seem to get any fruits - even when you are. Very frustrating! There is no solution, and when you come up with one that seemingly works, you can't execute it or you forget about it. Inner-emptiness and awareness seem to be the way to go. Meditation does seem to help.

I haven't made this much progress on the thinking subject in such a short time ever. In the past year I got as much down as the decades before it. I can't put my finger on what was hindering me. Odd!

Edited by destoroyah

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I love the Tao Te Ching! I'm a big fan of accepting paradoxical views as I think them over, so I can get down with the idea of disregarding the intellect. I don't see a better alternative to the intellect right now, but I could be persuaded. 

It's for that reason that I'm not immediately crossing the Actualized.org guy off. All of the other topics he speaks on (time-management, emotional control, social skills, etc.) he's spot on, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt on this one. His idea of the "self" is very different from any teaching I've encountered in the past. I've been studying Buddhism a lot lately, and it (likely Taoism as well) has a much more pragmatic idea of ego than what he is presenting.

I enjoyed the passage you quoted. Here's one that I'm trying to learn from, 

"The supreme good is like water,
which nourishes all things without trying to.
It is content with the low places
people disdain.     
Thus it is like the Tao.

In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don't try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.

When you are content to be simply yourself
and don't compare or compete,
everybody will respect you."

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I love the Tao Te Ching!

Cool! Happy to read that, Pierce! Haha.

When you are content to be simply yourself
and don't compare or compete,
everybody will respect you."

I can confirm this, the couple of moments I managed.

Such a simple description for a complex thing, reduced to its essence. I don't know how to practice the wisdom it conveys, but I think just reading it can put seeds in your mind that grow into something great after some time.

 

Also on actualized, yea don't cross people off. They might have some strange ideas, and you don't have to accept everything, but look for the handful of good you can find and let it inspire you. I really need to learn to accept advice and to listen, it's a big challenge for me - being an outsider - because it was never necessary for me. But I'm missing out on many good things, because I'm too stubborn in my own path. It's really difficult and frustrating. People tell me stuff and I always kind of go "yea yea, outta my way!", that's a big mistake. In my mind I quickly turn to "who are you, to tell me what to do??!". Sometimes that's a good thing, it's strong, but it scares people away and slows my growth.

I hope I can improve on this. I'm usually the one giving advice, telling people "how its done". And my advice is fine and good-hearted, but if I never listen, people will not want to spend time with me after they've discovered the "7 tricks of destoroyah". Because after that,... there's little left I am afraid, when they are not allowed to play a part in my life. What a shame!

There are many relationships in my life, where I took a patronizing role. I wasn't a complete asshole, but... it was often this "master/student" thing. Oftentimes due to age difference. Sometimes that is good, some people need to be taken care of. Most of the times I taught them well and when they were able to stand on their own... well... I started to feel threatened. They began telling me how to improve, and I was totally unable to accept their suggestions. I thought all their suggestions were shit. Sure, I was the "master" to begin with, but they seemed to have caught up on me. They had learned what I have in decades, with blood, sweat and tears, in months. Scary. Dangerous. Like a black hole.

Then I abandon them, and realize that I wrongly estimated the situation. They hadn't really learned, they were just repeating what I said. And shortly after, they fall over. Sometimes to my pleasure, if the relationship had declined enough. This has happened at least 4x now over the years. It's fucked up, I need to change something. I want to never "teach" again. It's stupid and wrong. People should learn by spending time with me - if they can learn something from me - and doing something, not by my instructions. But it's so hard to resist, when you see people struggling with something that you think to know the way out of. Emphasizing on "think", because most of the times your own solution is too individual to be practiced by another.

Let's see if some meditation, ancient chinese philosophy and new ways to spend my time can fix this!

Hm, all of this got me kind of sad. There is a storm outside my window and rain, I'll go jogging, see if I can get hit by a log or something.

GRAAAAR!!

Edited by destoroyah
It was missing the "GRAAAAR!!"

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ENTRY #21 - DAY 41:

My_Keyboard.thumb.jpeg.1602e958d92453c08

My keycaps arrived today. Whoa, it looks pretty hacked. Now I just need to learn actual hacking. Give me a couple of decades...

It feels nice typing on this, and I'm not as confused anymore looking at wrongly printed letters. I just need to make some adjustments to my own layout, so I can use shortcuts like "Crtl+C" on the correct letters again - I somehow forgot to implement all these into my layout, and now they're in the QWERTZ layout, so I'm like running a mix.

Still learning the number rows... and it's a chore. But luckily they are the same as QWERTZ, so I guess they can stay for now. I will swap them out too eventually, but I think it looks good like this.

I have great difficulties typing single-handedly or searching single keys while standing. When I enter my windows-password, I always need to sit down and put all 10 fingers on the keys like a bible-student. It's uncool!! I hope these peripheral things improve as well (I feel that they do). Elsewise I feel like a hack though. No one can use my computer, cause QWERTZ isn't even installed, and they wouldn't know which key to press. Another good step to alienating myself... it has already been suggested by a relative of mine that I'm an outsider, because I actively pursue things like this. That I am alone, because deep inside I strive to be. That could be true... but in all honesty, I wish there were more people like me out there who "do their own thing". Sure it's weird in a way, but I think it's stupid to take everything for granted. And seeing shit like this is surely inspiring, even if it may be deemed stupid - at least it's not the sameness over and over and over again.

To live is to change. If you don't change, you're not alive. If you don't question the things passed down to you, you won't change. But this generation is in dire need of change. The battle of the sexes has reached a pinnacle, there are no more gender-roles, no more rules to obey, but still the fewest have the courage to define themselves. To go out there and do their thing, without being ashamed or scared. The internet is another giant step for humanity that has drastically changed how this world works, but many people - including me - have withdrawn to sitting behind monitors all day. Google is your truth, the answer for all your questions but thinking on your own is a skill unpracticed. No new gender roles - but no new answers for the vacuum they left behind. No spirit, because we're all hypnotized. No human interaction. Another thing that will define this generation is the decline of fossil-fuels. Something that will bring about great conflict, unless we manage the switch to regenerative energy sources. And then there's this globalization thing going on, fanatics and global warming and whatnot. It's war out there between humans and humans and humans and themselves and humans against the decline of nature.

Some of these wars are pretty silent though and most people are busy looking at their screens for answers.

We are freer than ever, yet we all do the same shit. I don't want this. I don't wanna be part of that shit. I want to get out and away. I sorta have been "out and away" in games, but closing myself up has helped nothing. I don't want to change the world, but I'd be happy if I'd get to push some people into thinking and doing something greater. Question the given facts and the system.

I know I'm no punk-hero, or a warrior of thrash. My words are greater than myself for the most part, and deep down I'm just a kid that hasn't developed accordingly because it was distorted into 2-dimensionality. Just another loser that spent decades getting to level 60... sitting on a pile of shit that he calls life, because he has been sleeping since he can remember. Waking up from that dream doesn't feel good, but I know I will never go back to sleep again. My heart won't let me. It hasn't taken a breath for a long time, and it's now awake and restless.

My next step, and I have been talking more than doing - but I need to convince myself because it's a big one - will be switching to Linux. Fuck I'm stuck, it's a big leap with many disadvantages. Windows is so cozy... but Linux is the only way to go. It's that other step necessary to get away from this drowsy hypnotization. It's not just an OS, it's a way of life, and I need to be aware of that like a motherfucker, or I won't last an hour. And I for sure as fuck ain't going Ubuntu, because that is like the giveaways from big corporations - bloated, shittily manufactured and over-branded. I picked a very difficult distribution to get into, but... well it's what I want. I don't wanna suck on a "no-windows" pacifier, I wanna smoke gangsta shit!

No more MS-Office and all that balderdash. I will be typing into commandlines. I got myself a laserprinter, because I'll need to print many-a-guides to hang on to. I need to go back to zero. To the mid-nineties, to books in order to hang in there. It'll be like learning walking again. Writing my first e-mail will be like landing on the fucking moon. Every single peripheral that I get to work will be a fucking miracle after hours of work.

But when I'm done. I've made another step to alienate myself. Going jogging at night in winter with a flash light... the thought of that made my balls freeze off right that second, but I do it now on regular basis. I hung in there. Now I'm "crass". Pick that thing that you respect, that what you're afraid of, and fucking do it. It's not as hard as you make it out to be.

I'll up my training today. I've laid out a new routine for today, it isn't that much harder, but it's differently structured. I need to, because my body isn't making the progress I'd like to have.

Despite eating a fucking ton. I'm not exactly fat, but recently I have been eating for two without gaining weight. I'm not shitting, yesterday, when I was done eating normal dinner, I had to make another dinner. It's scary, but at the same time a good foundation for the strength I'll need.

Rambling. And not too sophisticated. I'll stop writing here. I hope @Csaba_Bekesi makes a return soon, it's kind of tough on my own. He's been out with a flu a while now.

 

EDIT: mixing up my training was an excellent decision. I feel pretty tired but good. I have to check my diet too someday... I cut softdrinks and snackfood some months ago and lost 5kg (had picked up a bad eating behavior after quitting smoking), and I'm okay, but I sorta don't want to have excess weight when I start punching people in the face.

Edited by destoroyah

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ENTRY #22 - DAY 42:

Whoa, this is so whack. I just found out I'm running a German niche dvorak layout. FUCK! I was going for international compatibility and now this.

On a German QWERTY keyboard, two letters are exchanged, Y and Z (because the Y practically rarely occurs in german, but the Z is quite important, totally opposite to the english language), hence the name QWERTZ. Well that's common knowledge to most Germans.

On a German DVORAK keyboard 4 letters are exchanged vs an ANSI US layout. And 2 of those letters are on the home row, which makes it a completely different keyboard. The German layout focuses greatly on D and R, while the American on T and H. Not surprising when you think about it, since the T and H occur quite often together in the English language, and the are super simple to execute on DVORAK, even easier than E+R on QWERTY, as they are both on home-row.

So I got my own super-niche layout. It's like niche of the niche man! But okay, if I put up with shit to be there, I might as well go all the way. The additional effort is marginal and on Windows 10 it's no problem to create your own layout.

BUT on the installation of Arch Linux... You cannot load this German DVORAK layout from default. I'm royally fucked, and I'll need to ghost this. I'll need to program my own layout, since only british and spanish ISO (big enter key) layouts even exist, and the default files only include ANSI (small enter key).

Luckily I have a hardwired German DVORAK Keyboard. It gets detected as a standard ISO German keyboard (which is pretty much supported by any OS), but has the buttons hardwired differently, so that the letters are mixed up in the hardware thru different wiring (or a micro-controller). Sadly it's a rubber dome keyboard, which is about as cheap as it gets. It's a fucking piece of trash!!!

I have been using it at work, because it requires no installation and no software fuckups ever occur. It's very reliable in that department.

 

So... why all this writing? Well I got a thought lingering. I have seen videos on YouTube, where geeks put together mechanical keyboards on their own, soldering the switches themselves. They do this for fun and micro-optimization. They mentioned that it is possible to "flash" some keyboards. The layout must be stored in memory in some models, and it should be possible to change it somehow.

Ehehehe. So it got me thinking, my keyboard probably isn't differently wired, but differently flashed. In production it would be easier to change the software on a chip, than to select a different circuit board, right? So this is probably how all these ISO varieties (German, Spanish, English, ...) come to be.

So... if I can find out, how to flash my ROM, or exchange the chip, I should be good to go. I'll have the best of both worlds. I'll officially run German QWERTY ISO on all operating systems, but actually have a DVORAK layout stored in the keyboard for execution. Wow, that'd be the first "hacking" I'd do in life.

I hope it's easy, as I have no clue on any of this. My knowledge on electronics and programming is less than "amateur".

What an odd journal post... but abstaining from gaming has brought this forth. I've begun tinkering with things... Feels good!

 

EDIT: OK. I came up/found 3 methods to do this hack

a) re-flash or exchange the microcontroller that is responsible for sending the keypress signals via USB (clean, fairly safe, repeatable/undoable)

b) create a PCB with eagle and let it get made in china (cheap) and install it (hardware exchange, fairly cheap, only works for one keyboard, requires knowledge of "eagle" and electronics - A LOT OF EFFORT, but project-wise the most impressive method and fun) (note: holy shit, this is science, even for a shitty keyboard consisting only of switches)

c) rewire (sloppy, error-prone, easy,almost no knowledge required, the "neanderthalic" way of doing it, I could start with execution right now, I would still learn something basic soldering and cable management)

EDIT EDIT: Okay, some keyboards have two PCBs use a big flat cable to transmit signals from the button PCB to the USB controller PCB. This is where I'll hack, it's probably easy to pack another PCB in there with two flat wire connectors that mix up the lanes. fairly safe too, as I am not really touching existing hardware!!

EDIT EDIT EDIT: Alright, I ordered another hardwired DVORAK keyboard for 13€. I intend to disassemble and inspect it. The manufacturer has stopped making these, so they are kind of a rarity now. I got the last one on eBay for this fair price.

EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT: Okay.  I also came up with this:

d) create a usb device that translates my keyboard inputs into different inputs, which I can hook between PC and keyboard. It has to be hardware though, no software, to not lag.

Edited by destoroyah

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Outstanding progress man! Can't wait to catch up to you once again! Time to get back to real life and flip my sleep schedule back to the healthy end. Wish me luck, I've a long fucking day ahead of me of learning how to operate NetBeans and how to write Java LUL. 

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ENTRY #23 - DAY 45:

I still am procrastinating. By writing here... by browsing on the web, watching videos. That's why I'll keep it short today and try to actually do something!!

 

PS: @200+ characters / minute with DVORAK finally. Able to write fairly persistent now. It's still slow, and error prone, but usable under stress.

Edited by destoroyah

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Wow, that was some rapid success. You're becoming quite formidable with your computer skills; this seems to be a strong passion of yours. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that you were a computer science or electrical engineering guy.

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@Pierce I'm a student in mechanical engineering.

 

ENTRY #24 - DAY 45:

Every time I postponed my Linux installation, I gathered another relic to help me start.

WP_20170304_13_00_00_Pro.thumb.jpg.657f0

Today, after 2 of my CDs 0x80004005'ed on me, I burned it on a DVD. I'm hoarding everything, reducing the thinking required, lowering the threshold, so I can impulsively jump the gun any time. Building totems reminding me to overcome tedious tasks. I'll need my laptop with windows in my back to cover the flanks at the valley of the clueless with mighty searchfoo, luckily I got 3 more Monitors and some mice and keyboards to ensure peripheral coverage. My room will be messy for some while, sleeping on PCBs as a neo-fakir - faced with command lines like hacker Neo.

But for now my focal point is training. I have stopped eating 2 meals in the evening, presuming it is a bad habit. My right elbow tendons seem to be irritated, I am tending them with horse balm. I presume it's from sitting at the computer for too long during work and then leisure. Another factor is that I have recently been upping my weights and changed my training plan, the additional force could also cause it. I need to tread lightly as not to get a chronic problem. Trackball isn't saving me, though it's still an improvement.

I ordered some gun oil, to reduce the friction of the trackball, Ballistol. Got some more things to lube as well, squeaking doors at my workplace - that piss me off, and my yoyo. I like it when my things run silent and smooth. WD40 seems to be more of a dirt attractant - only useful for de-rusting metal, and only if you give it a good wipe afterwards. The oil can also be used to lube my locks for better picking. I still haven't found any cheap ones to practice with though. I'm not willing to spend 10€ for a badly fabricated practice lock, I should be able to get one used somewhere for less - or even free.

Psychosomatic is the best band ever. Favorite track is currently "Skatan Worshipper", on the album "Unquenchable Thirst", it's only 2 minutes long, it makes me want to drink a beer on ex and smash the bottle on the ground while giving off a warcry. I'll never drink anymore, but the thought of that still is cool.

Should get started on my routine for today.

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ENTRY #25 - DAY 46:

I did some art today. And uh... I don't know what else. I think I was just listening to heavy metal. Like seriously, I wasn't surfin or watching videos. I was just listening to heavy metal and playing air-guitar. Is that a past-time? Does that count??

Edited by destoroyah

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ENTRY #26 - DAY 47:

I started drawing again, as a means to express my feelings.

Skull002.thumb.jpg.8cf0c49f6ae9f09db5c9f

This is my magnum opus so far. Tits called: "Your dead mother".

 

Thank you for reading.

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