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Destoroyah's Meltdown


destoroyah
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@Pierce I'm skeptical about "enlightenment". But yea, let's ransack all his ideas! Haha. Thanks, it does seem sorta "alternative". Where do his ideas come from? Taoism? Hinduism? I'll need to find out.

I am often reading this book by Laozi called Tao Te Ching (ancient roots of Taoism - appearantly). I'm not done, I probably never will be, but there is another guy called Zhuangzi who has a book with his name - and it seems to be a radical and funny Tao Te Ching 2.0, he was a critic of Confucianism. I'm not deep in the subject, but from what I read, there are no gods and no holy powers - but opinions seem to vary -, it's very down to earth. They disregard thinking and also intellect. A return to nature seems the focus. Surely, someone like you who thinks knowledge is key will be skeptical to some concepts - but the theories or suggestions do show some resemblance to the stuff on "actualized.org". Both these books are like 100 pages and tiny, they fit in your back pocket - I often read the wisdom from Tao Te Ching, when I hang with a friend of mine in a park who can't seem to stop drinking and who is struggling with depression. It's like a bible, without god and fairy tales, and a lot of room for interpretation (mostly poems). Taoism may have an afterlife and spirit aspect, but I think I'll just take the ancient texts and interpret them myself. Pretty rad! And sometimes funny. They weren't too serious, I like that.

Here an excerpt (Wikipedia, my book is in German):

Knowing others is wisdom;
Knowing the self is enlightenment.
Mastering others requires force;
Mastering the self requires strength;
He who knows he has enough is rich.
Perseverance is a sign of will power.
He who stays where he is endures.
To die but not to perish is to be eternally present. (chap. 33, tr. Feng and English)

 

That is so cool! So compressed, it's like wisdom.zip 

Embrace the void, and let its impending embrace lead you to enjoy each moment. That's definitely something I can work on.

Sports are also good, clogged up arteries lead to an increased heart frequency - which is about as bad as taking exams and "unenjoyableness". It's very physical and seemingly easy to fix!

Awareness is also good. I dig that. But also very physical. Thinking in itself is so... unrewarding. You never seem to get any fruits - even when you are. Very frustrating! There is no solution, and when you come up with one that seemingly works, you can't execute it or you forget about it. Inner-emptiness and awareness seem to be the way to go. Meditation does seem to help.

I haven't made this much progress on the thinking subject in such a short time ever. In the past year I got as much down as the decades before it. I can't put my finger on what was hindering me. Odd!

Edited by destoroyah
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I love the Tao Te Ching! I'm a big fan of accepting paradoxical views as I think them over, so I can get down with the idea of disregarding the intellect. I don't see a better alternative to the intellect right now, but I could be persuaded. 

It's for that reason that I'm not immediately crossing the Actualized.org guy off. All of the other topics he speaks on (time-management, emotional control, social skills, etc.) he's spot on, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt on this one. His idea of the "self" is very different from any teaching I've encountered in the past. I've been studying Buddhism a lot lately, and it (likely Taoism as well) has a much more pragmatic idea of ego than what he is presenting.

I enjoyed the passage you quoted. Here's one that I'm trying to learn from, 

"The supreme good is like water,
which nourishes all things without trying to.
It is content with the low places
people disdain.     
Thus it is like the Tao.

In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don't try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.

When you are content to be simply yourself
and don't compare or compete,
everybody will respect you."

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I love the Tao Te Ching!

Cool! Happy to read that, Pierce! Haha.

When you are content to be simply yourself
and don't compare or compete,
everybody will respect you."

I can confirm this, the couple of moments I managed.

Such a simple description for a complex thing, reduced to its essence. I don't know how to practice the wisdom it conveys, but I think just reading it can put seeds in your mind that grow into something great after some time.

 

Also on actualized, yea don't cross people off. They might have some strange ideas, and you don't have to accept everything, but look for the handful of good you can find and let it inspire you. I really need to learn to accept advice and to listen, it's a big challenge for me - being an outsider - because it was never necessary for me. But I'm missing out on many good things, because I'm too stubborn in my own path. It's really difficult and frustrating. People tell me stuff and I always kind of go "yea yea, outta my way!", that's a big mistake. In my mind I quickly turn to "who are you, to tell me what to do??!". Sometimes that's a good thing, it's strong, but it scares people away and slows my growth.

I hope I can improve on this. I'm usually the one giving advice, telling people "how its done". And my advice is fine and good-hearted, but if I never listen, people will not want to spend time with me after they've discovered the "7 tricks of destoroyah". Because after that,... there's little left I am afraid, when they are not allowed to play a part in my life. What a shame!

There are many relationships in my life, where I took a patronizing role. I wasn't a complete asshole, but... it was often this "master/student" thing. Oftentimes due to age difference. Sometimes that is good, some people need to be taken care of. Most of the times I taught them well and when they were able to stand on their own... well... I started to feel threatened. They began telling me how to improve, and I was totally unable to accept their suggestions. I thought all their suggestions were shit. Sure, I was the "master" to begin with, but they seemed to have caught up on me. They had learned what I have in decades, with blood, sweat and tears, in months. Scary. Dangerous. Like a black hole.

Then I abandon them, and realize that I wrongly estimated the situation. They hadn't really learned, they were just repeating what I said. And shortly after, they fall over. Sometimes to my pleasure, if the relationship had declined enough. This has happened at least 4x now over the years. It's fucked up, I need to change something. I want to never "teach" again. It's stupid and wrong. People should learn by spending time with me - if they can learn something from me - and doing something, not by my instructions. But it's so hard to resist, when you see people struggling with something that you think to know the way out of. Emphasizing on "think", because most of the times your own solution is too individual to be practiced by another.

Let's see if some meditation, ancient chinese philosophy and new ways to spend my time can fix this!

Hm, all of this got me kind of sad. There is a storm outside my window and rain, I'll go jogging, see if I can get hit by a log or something.

GRAAAAR!!

Edited by destoroyah
It was missing the "GRAAAAR!!"
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ENTRY #21 - DAY 41:

My_Keyboard.thumb.jpeg.1602e958d92453c08

My keycaps arrived today. Whoa, it looks pretty hacked. Now I just need to learn actual hacking. Give me a couple of decades...

It feels nice typing on this, and I'm not as confused anymore looking at wrongly printed letters. I just need to make some adjustments to my own layout, so I can use shortcuts like "Crtl+C" on the correct letters again - I somehow forgot to implement all these into my layout, and now they're in the QWERTZ layout, so I'm like running a mix.

Still learning the number rows... and it's a chore. But luckily they are the same as QWERTZ, so I guess they can stay for now. I will swap them out too eventually, but I think it looks good like this.

I have great difficulties typing single-handedly or searching single keys while standing. When I enter my windows-password, I always need to sit down and put all 10 fingers on the keys like a bible-student. It's uncool!! I hope these peripheral things improve as well (I feel that they do). Elsewise I feel like a hack though. No one can use my computer, cause QWERTZ isn't even installed, and they wouldn't know which key to press. Another good step to alienating myself... it has already been suggested by a relative of mine that I'm an outsider, because I actively pursue things like this. That I am alone, because deep inside I strive to be. That could be true... but in all honesty, I wish there were more people like me out there who "do their own thing". Sure it's weird in a way, but I think it's stupid to take everything for granted. And seeing shit like this is surely inspiring, even if it may be deemed stupid - at least it's not the sameness over and over and over again.

To live is to change. If you don't change, you're not alive. If you don't question the things passed down to you, you won't change. But this generation is in dire need of change. The battle of the sexes has reached a pinnacle, there are no more gender-roles, no more rules to obey, but still the fewest have the courage to define themselves. To go out there and do their thing, without being ashamed or scared. The internet is another giant step for humanity that has drastically changed how this world works, but many people - including me - have withdrawn to sitting behind monitors all day. Google is your truth, the answer for all your questions but thinking on your own is a skill unpracticed. No new gender roles - but no new answers for the vacuum they left behind. No spirit, because we're all hypnotized. No human interaction. Another thing that will define this generation is the decline of fossil-fuels. Something that will bring about great conflict, unless we manage the switch to regenerative energy sources. And then there's this globalization thing going on, fanatics and global warming and whatnot. It's war out there between humans and humans and humans and themselves and humans against the decline of nature.

Some of these wars are pretty silent though and most people are busy looking at their screens for answers.

We are freer than ever, yet we all do the same shit. I don't want this. I don't wanna be part of that shit. I want to get out and away. I sorta have been "out and away" in games, but closing myself up has helped nothing. I don't want to change the world, but I'd be happy if I'd get to push some people into thinking and doing something greater. Question the given facts and the system.

I know I'm no punk-hero, or a warrior of thrash. My words are greater than myself for the most part, and deep down I'm just a kid that hasn't developed accordingly because it was distorted into 2-dimensionality. Just another loser that spent decades getting to level 60... sitting on a pile of shit that he calls life, because he has been sleeping since he can remember. Waking up from that dream doesn't feel good, but I know I will never go back to sleep again. My heart won't let me. It hasn't taken a breath for a long time, and it's now awake and restless.

My next step, and I have been talking more than doing - but I need to convince myself because it's a big one - will be switching to Linux. Fuck I'm stuck, it's a big leap with many disadvantages. Windows is so cozy... but Linux is the only way to go. It's that other step necessary to get away from this drowsy hypnotization. It's not just an OS, it's a way of life, and I need to be aware of that like a motherfucker, or I won't last an hour. And I for sure as fuck ain't going Ubuntu, because that is like the giveaways from big corporations - bloated, shittily manufactured and over-branded. I picked a very difficult distribution to get into, but... well it's what I want. I don't wanna suck on a "no-windows" pacifier, I wanna smoke gangsta shit!

No more MS-Office and all that balderdash. I will be typing into commandlines. I got myself a laserprinter, because I'll need to print many-a-guides to hang on to. I need to go back to zero. To the mid-nineties, to books in order to hang in there. It'll be like learning walking again. Writing my first e-mail will be like landing on the fucking moon. Every single peripheral that I get to work will be a fucking miracle after hours of work.

But when I'm done. I've made another step to alienate myself. Going jogging at night in winter with a flash light... the thought of that made my balls freeze off right that second, but I do it now on regular basis. I hung in there. Now I'm "crass". Pick that thing that you respect, that what you're afraid of, and fucking do it. It's not as hard as you make it out to be.

I'll up my training today. I've laid out a new routine for today, it isn't that much harder, but it's differently structured. I need to, because my body isn't making the progress I'd like to have.

Despite eating a fucking ton. I'm not exactly fat, but recently I have been eating for two without gaining weight. I'm not shitting, yesterday, when I was done eating normal dinner, I had to make another dinner. It's scary, but at the same time a good foundation for the strength I'll need.

Rambling. And not too sophisticated. I'll stop writing here. I hope @Csaba_Bekesi makes a return soon, it's kind of tough on my own. He's been out with a flu a while now.

 

EDIT: mixing up my training was an excellent decision. I feel pretty tired but good. I have to check my diet too someday... I cut softdrinks and snackfood some months ago and lost 5kg (had picked up a bad eating behavior after quitting smoking), and I'm okay, but I sorta don't want to have excess weight when I start punching people in the face.

Edited by destoroyah
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ENTRY #22 - DAY 42:

Whoa, this is so whack. I just found out I'm running a German niche dvorak layout. FUCK! I was going for international compatibility and now this.

On a German QWERTY keyboard, two letters are exchanged, Y and Z (because the Y practically rarely occurs in german, but the Z is quite important, totally opposite to the english language), hence the name QWERTZ. Well that's common knowledge to most Germans.

On a German DVORAK keyboard 4 letters are exchanged vs an ANSI US layout. And 2 of those letters are on the home row, which makes it a completely different keyboard. The German layout focuses greatly on D and R, while the American on T and H. Not surprising when you think about it, since the T and H occur quite often together in the English language, and the are super simple to execute on DVORAK, even easier than E+R on QWERTY, as they are both on home-row.

So I got my own super-niche layout. It's like niche of the niche man! But okay, if I put up with shit to be there, I might as well go all the way. The additional effort is marginal and on Windows 10 it's no problem to create your own layout.

BUT on the installation of Arch Linux... You cannot load this German DVORAK layout from default. I'm royally fucked, and I'll need to ghost this. I'll need to program my own layout, since only british and spanish ISO (big enter key) layouts even exist, and the default files only include ANSI (small enter key).

Luckily I have a hardwired German DVORAK Keyboard. It gets detected as a standard ISO German keyboard (which is pretty much supported by any OS), but has the buttons hardwired differently, so that the letters are mixed up in the hardware thru different wiring (or a micro-controller). Sadly it's a rubber dome keyboard, which is about as cheap as it gets. It's a fucking piece of trash!!!

I have been using it at work, because it requires no installation and no software fuckups ever occur. It's very reliable in that department.

 

So... why all this writing? Well I got a thought lingering. I have seen videos on YouTube, where geeks put together mechanical keyboards on their own, soldering the switches themselves. They do this for fun and micro-optimization. They mentioned that it is possible to "flash" some keyboards. The layout must be stored in memory in some models, and it should be possible to change it somehow.

Ehehehe. So it got me thinking, my keyboard probably isn't differently wired, but differently flashed. In production it would be easier to change the software on a chip, than to select a different circuit board, right? So this is probably how all these ISO varieties (German, Spanish, English, ...) come to be.

So... if I can find out, how to flash my ROM, or exchange the chip, I should be good to go. I'll have the best of both worlds. I'll officially run German QWERTY ISO on all operating systems, but actually have a DVORAK layout stored in the keyboard for execution. Wow, that'd be the first "hacking" I'd do in life.

I hope it's easy, as I have no clue on any of this. My knowledge on electronics and programming is less than "amateur".

What an odd journal post... but abstaining from gaming has brought this forth. I've begun tinkering with things... Feels good!

 

EDIT: OK. I came up/found 3 methods to do this hack

a) re-flash or exchange the microcontroller that is responsible for sending the keypress signals via USB (clean, fairly safe, repeatable/undoable)

b) create a PCB with eagle and let it get made in china (cheap) and install it (hardware exchange, fairly cheap, only works for one keyboard, requires knowledge of "eagle" and electronics - A LOT OF EFFORT, but project-wise the most impressive method and fun) (note: holy shit, this is science, even for a shitty keyboard consisting only of switches)

c) rewire (sloppy, error-prone, easy,almost no knowledge required, the "neanderthalic" way of doing it, I could start with execution right now, I would still learn something basic soldering and cable management)

EDIT EDIT: Okay, some keyboards have two PCBs use a big flat cable to transmit signals from the button PCB to the USB controller PCB. This is where I'll hack, it's probably easy to pack another PCB in there with two flat wire connectors that mix up the lanes. fairly safe too, as I am not really touching existing hardware!!

EDIT EDIT EDIT: Alright, I ordered another hardwired DVORAK keyboard for 13€. I intend to disassemble and inspect it. The manufacturer has stopped making these, so they are kind of a rarity now. I got the last one on eBay for this fair price.

EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT: Okay.  I also came up with this:

d) create a usb device that translates my keyboard inputs into different inputs, which I can hook between PC and keyboard. It has to be hardware though, no software, to not lag.

Edited by destoroyah
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ENTRY #23 - DAY 45:

I still am procrastinating. By writing here... by browsing on the web, watching videos. That's why I'll keep it short today and try to actually do something!!

 

PS: @200+ characters / minute with DVORAK finally. Able to write fairly persistent now. It's still slow, and error prone, but usable under stress.

Edited by destoroyah
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Wow, that was some rapid success. You're becoming quite formidable with your computer skills; this seems to be a strong passion of yours. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that you were a computer science or electrical engineering guy.

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@Pierce I'm a student in mechanical engineering.

 

ENTRY #24 - DAY 45:

Every time I postponed my Linux installation, I gathered another relic to help me start.

WP_20170304_13_00_00_Pro.thumb.jpg.657f0

Today, after 2 of my CDs 0x80004005'ed on me, I burned it on a DVD. I'm hoarding everything, reducing the thinking required, lowering the threshold, so I can impulsively jump the gun any time. Building totems reminding me to overcome tedious tasks. I'll need my laptop with windows in my back to cover the flanks at the valley of the clueless with mighty searchfoo, luckily I got 3 more Monitors and some mice and keyboards to ensure peripheral coverage. My room will be messy for some while, sleeping on PCBs as a neo-fakir - faced with command lines like hacker Neo.

But for now my focal point is training. I have stopped eating 2 meals in the evening, presuming it is a bad habit. My right elbow tendons seem to be irritated, I am tending them with horse balm. I presume it's from sitting at the computer for too long during work and then leisure. Another factor is that I have recently been upping my weights and changed my training plan, the additional force could also cause it. I need to tread lightly as not to get a chronic problem. Trackball isn't saving me, though it's still an improvement.

I ordered some gun oil, to reduce the friction of the trackball, Ballistol. Got some more things to lube as well, squeaking doors at my workplace - that piss me off, and my yoyo. I like it when my things run silent and smooth. WD40 seems to be more of a dirt attractant - only useful for de-rusting metal, and only if you give it a good wipe afterwards. The oil can also be used to lube my locks for better picking. I still haven't found any cheap ones to practice with though. I'm not willing to spend 10€ for a badly fabricated practice lock, I should be able to get one used somewhere for less - or even free.

Psychosomatic is the best band ever. Favorite track is currently "Skatan Worshipper", on the album "Unquenchable Thirst", it's only 2 minutes long, it makes me want to drink a beer on ex and smash the bottle on the ground while giving off a warcry. I'll never drink anymore, but the thought of that still is cool.

Should get started on my routine for today.

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ENTRY #25 - DAY 46:

I did some art today. And uh... I don't know what else. I think I was just listening to heavy metal. Like seriously, I wasn't surfin or watching videos. I was just listening to heavy metal and playing air-guitar. Is that a past-time? Does that count??

Edited by destoroyah
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ENTRY #26 - DAY 47:

I started drawing again, as a means to express my feelings.

Skull002.thumb.jpg.8cf0c49f6ae9f09db5c9f

This is my magnum opus so far. Tits called: "Your dead mother".

 

Thank you for reading.

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ENTRY #27 - DAY 52:

I have become an artfag. All I do is draw

Oni001.thumb.jpg.7423030526add7170dea692

This is called "Oni motherfuckers from Hell."

I cursed the pic. Don't look at it.

Edited by destoroyah
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Art and old-school computers. I like where this is going.

I tried to respect your witch-craft skills by not looking too long at the last picture, but I definitely took a long look at the first one and approved of it. It reminded me of Addie Bundren from As I Lay Dying.

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ENTRY #28 - DAY 53:

Gaaaah! I failed that exam. Regret regret regret all over the place. How could I??? Last semester I wrote like 6 (?.. it was many.) exams, with three of them being multiple subjects. I found a job, I was working part time at least once a week, took part in everything, a flatmate moved out and I organised almost everything on my own, I even fixed the washing machine!!!, I did multiple projects and took the leading position, and passed them all plus the exams. This semester I write 2 (!!!) exams, I virtually can not fail one of them, and I fail the other. ARGH!! I had NOTHING else to do!! The stupidity. If I just hadn't fallen sick. If... if ifififififififi... Ach fuck this, I want to choke someone. Need to be careful not to hang myself the next couple of days. This is so stupid. It costs me 6 months maybe, I'm too old for this shit.

Shit! Damn. Why... I feel so bad... ah but it's only temporary. Buckle up destoroyah, this is nothing.

I have regret for breakfast and dinner every day, the system can go fuck itself. I need to work harder... AGAIN. And I gotta work tomorrow, and the week after and then some. It's going to be sorta stressful, I don't have time feeling sorry for myself and there is no one to consolidate me. Boohoo. What a shame. It's really sad. I'm about to cry a river "My life is so terrible, my life is so terrible", psh. Stupidass useless feelings. Regret. Yo nature, why'd ya come up with that one? IT SUCKS!! I just ignore it. I don't learn from regret, you stupid world. Regret isn't a stab-wound or a concussion, it's those whimsical tears on my cushion that I just forget.

But yea, take the time to feel regret, don't close myself. Feel shitty today, so that my heart remains true. I'll dedicate this day to sadness. I just don't want to feel sorry for myself. I'm stupid, I get what I deserve. The cicumstances weren't on my side, but... well I could've seen it coming, if I hadn't been so busy "not playing video games". Dafuq, how can that even consume time? I need to identify reasons why I failed. Give me a jiffy

  1. I didn't start studying soon enough (as usual)
  2. I had a flu for like 2 weeks before the exam (fatal!)
  3. I didn't pack my bag right for the exam (whyyyyyyy)
  4. I made a simple but grave mistake during the exam, I forgot transferring a "delta phi" from one page to the other. I noticed extremely late, because I wasn't into the subject enough.
  5. I never went to the lectures (because they are only offered during summer semester)

 

FUCK ME!!! I'm an idiot. If I had packed my bag differently that day, I would've passed.

"Coping with failure" is my second name. It's the theme of my life. Living with the wrong decisions, using the momentum of a trainwreck as a means of transportation.

I really need to meet up with some people to talk to, managing myself is becoming rather tedious. Some feedback by someone on my level would be nice, but nooo they're all above and below me!! Either 5-10 years younger or 10+ older. What the hell. Where are the people my age??? Oh right, if they aren't busy falling in my back, dragging me down they are done with uni and doing some work shit, considering themselves "grown up" and "important" inciting the urge in me to smash their face in. Wasting their money flying to a remote island consuming drugs and re-enacting the scenes they saw in comics during their youth. YO FUCK YOU, give me your money and stop causing useless emissions on the planet. Gaaaah!! I hate this world today.

... and I've been hating it this whole week!! Shitty weather!! Rainy and windy all week, what the fuck, I get cold feet just looking outside. Fuck this shit. I don't want to spend my time on this earth ruminating about some crap society has pushed on me AFTER GIVING ME NOTHING FOR ALL MY YOUTH.

"Don't be so unthankful destoroyah" - sure, I'd be thankful for some good memories. Oh, you gave me none, you conveyed me not a single method on how to cope with this shit AND you unload your problems on me - and I have to lick them up like a good doggy. "It's your own fault, you are your own life's architect" - yo that's what I'm living, and sometimes I just can't take it. If I had been my own life's architect I'd be chilling on some island in a hammock eating bananas and coconuts all day. I would've built a raft to get there. I'm not lying, that's just what I do. I don't want your "dream". I don't want your comfort. I'd be fine being a man-ape in the jungle, being eaten by a tiger, if I had grown up that way. At least shit would be real, I'd piss myself in fear for actual reasons, and not this weirdass "construct" we have developed. I don't want no light bulbs and electricity and shit. And the word psychology is a shitty excuse for the mind's processes. Your language is an error made that keeps people from caressing each other and just sleeping in comfort as we need to. I have a constant inner monologue going on, and it's made up of the words you put there. Get your agenda straight, and get out of my head. I don't want to be part of your fucking chimaera. I want to burn and choke you and eat your flesh. Or something real. And not "talk about it". What the fuck. "Sophisticated human beings", yea whatever, if we were in touch with nature more, we'd call this sort of life "Slave of meaningless".

 

I would NEVER put that on a person, putting effort into something and failing. Just nothing. Like what the fuck. No consequences, no words. I hate this unthankful piece of shit world, I really hate it. If the wind blows over my house, OK! I accept it. No hard feelings. If the wolf eats my sheep, OK! Accept it. But failing an exam is so fucking retarded. I didn't build anything. I tried my best to adhere YOUR rules. I repeat: YOUR RULES. THE RULES YOU CREATED WITH YOUR PIECE OF SHIT MIND, THAT I NEVER APPROVED. Not the laws of nature or any shit, your shitty shit. YOUR SHIT. I hate your shit. It fuckn Suks man, go eat a bag of dicks and choke on it to death. I hate this shit, stupid... I don't fit in there, I don't wanna clean your shit. I wanna get out of here and live on the country in Texas with a shotgun. Trespassers will be shot and laughed at. Trespassers will need to adhere MY rules, or be shot to death. Yea, that's what I want. I don't wanna taste your shit nomore, I've been hating it since day one, and shitty laws prevent me from telling you that you fucking suck, prevent me from punching you in the face for being a tyrant that forces his shit on people. GAARRR!! HATE HATE HATE.

I need to vent my anger... I miss playing the Doom mod "Brutal Doom". I miss playing the sub mod for that, "Brutal Doom: Project Brutality", while listening to Slayer - War Ensemble. While chainsmoking and drinking beer, escaping the world tenfold. Killing myself, but feeling good, as if my body was meant to do that. As if self-destruction adheres to some law of nature. Feeling just and correct in abiding it. I miss that. I miss all those things I had to give up, to "fit". To be a "good man". Like what for? No one ever thanked me for it... I never created anything of use. The only thing it spares is the guilt of not living my potential. But fuck potential, it's just something people came up with to project guilt into peoples hearts. Making them feel bad for being as they are, giving uprise to the need to change...

 

Shit. Fuck this. I'm being stupid. Making stupid excuses. Being infantile, directing my anger at things unsolvable. This will pass. Like everything. Maybe it will pass before my life passes, maybe it won't. I shouldn't care which one it is, it doesn't matter anyways. I'll remain standing anyways, and I'll keep walking anyways. Like an undead. For no reason. Without knowing why and what for. Probably sex, but sex is overrated. As is everything I've ever seen, had and tasted - except thrash metal and the feeling of turning the tides despite all chances.

I think that's all that is there, and the latter thing only lasts a blink. When the wave is at its climax, its turning point, all forces die down and you feel your strength for a split second. True power.

Edited by destoroyah
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Thank you for this post.

I have been having similar thoughts lately.

One of the pillars of nihilism is "the world is fucked; why bother?". They are right. Society is fucked and there is nothing that we can do about it.

But, for some reason you get out of bed in the morning. For some reason you take up hobbies. For some reason you listen to fucking slayer.

As humans we are driven by emotion. Emotion is what we live for. You are not an undead just because you wander

I watched this video and it got me thinking.

Everybody feels a sense of purpose; the slaves at their desk jobs; the ape men eating bananas. If you too feel it; embrace it. Empower your purpose in yourself and others.

Maybe you don't understand your purpose? Stop looking for your purpose in reality- it will only deceive you. Society has deceived you but does conforming to it's rules make you a slave? No it only makes you a material slave. Not a brain slave. You are not a brain slave. Follow your heart and empower your emotional purpose.

Reality is reality. We can't do shit about it. The consciousness is the consciousness and there's a lot of shit we can do about it.

When neo realised he was in the matrix did he sit there drink, chainsmoke and play videogames all day? No he got his shit together and he jumped off buildings and stopped bullets in mid air. To see the farm is to leave it. You can't sprout wings and fly from it. But you can in your dreams.

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That's some heavy stuff man. I have quite a few classes I'm going to have to retake when I return to finish my undergrad, so I can relate to some degree. Still, I can't claim to be able to understand your past or what you're going through now. All I can say is that I'm grateful you're in this matrix-world with me. I'm with Schwing: this may be your opportunity to become Neo.

There are so few people that are aware that life is a game, that we don't have to play be the same rules as are ingrained us all throughout our childhood. Go through school, get a job, start a family, retire, die. Money is god. Education is god. Career is god. You have seen through the veil and know that this does not have to be the case. This means that you  are a person that this world desperately needs, because you have insights into why there is suffering and how to fix it. This makes your existence incredibly important.

I know that trite quotations may be the last thing you want to read, so stop reading now if that's the case. In the off-chance that this is helpful, here it is:

"One who lives in accordance with nature

 does not go against the way of things.

He moves in harmony with the present moment,

always knowing the truth of just what to do."

-the end of the 8th verse of the Tao.

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Destroyah -- just read your entire journal to this point (I'm new around here).

1)  You're an editor's dream ---- soooooo articulate across the whole spectrum, from ranting to analytical to philosophical.  And from a technical perspective on writing -- I've found more grammar, spelling and vocab errors in professional, published work than I found in yours (which means this is a compliment:  your stuff is better quality).  you write a mean poem too -- and I agree with an earlier comment:  if you try haiku, please post?

2)  I agree with an early comment on your work:  let us all know when  you write a book.  A lot of writers hide behind a fog of words.  Your stuff is like being exposed to a fire hose (that's a good thing).

3) Dunno if you realize how fundamentally creative you are -- from your real talent for writing, to your inventiveness with tech, to your art (and I seem to remember some talk about cooking??)

PS:  About keyboards:  physically, I absolutely cannot use a flat keyboard.  I have to have an extra-wide, ergonomically curved board (they make fewer & fewer of them these days, and some of them are just dummied up to _look_ ergonomic, but lack the width and curvature to really be ergonomic).

Back in the bad old days of typewriters, keyboards were wider, the keys spaced further apart (and on a steeper slant).  We were taught that the height of the "typing table" (gawd, I sound archaic) should be low enough, so that the hands resting on the home keys were just slightly below the elbow, with the wrists flat .  And nobody talked about carpal tunnel syndrome, even "secretaries" who spent hours a day hammering keys until they retired.  Now, keyboards are squished and flat and people buy gel cushions so they can type with their wrists flexed (I think the correct physio term is actually "extended") . . . and everybody's talkin' 'bout carpal tunnel syndrome.  (When my ancient pre-industrial MS ergonomic died, I got an Adesso.)

http://www.techrepublic.com/blog/10-things/10-ergonomic-keyboards-that-actually-do-their-job/

PS 2:  If you like the I Ching, you might also like Marcus Aurelius (Roman emperor, died 182 AD).  Interesting perspective, cuz in his entire life he saw something like 3 years of peace.  My favourite version is a translation by George Long (I like the archaic style of language).  Free here:

http://classics.mit.edu/Antoninus/meditations.html
 

Looking forward to your next post.  You've inspired me to haiku my way through my own journal sometimes when I fog the page with words (big weakness of mine).

 

 

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Whoa thanks for pushing me back! So many kind words, it's really helping me recover from that exam result.

@Schwing Nice new avatar, I like Guts!! He has just the right spirit. Too bad he can't kill the demons in his head...

Maybe you don't understand your purpose?

Yea that's what it is. When I started my education, I didn't know what I wanted. I am now almost done with uni as a mechanical engineer, but the last stretch feels so long and frustrating. I'm kind of too old to still be sitting in classrooms, where everyone has to take a break every 45 minutes because the room smells like fart. I'm not saying I am omniscient, or that I got all that "down" what they teach me, but I'm so tired of listening anyways. It's the format of education that sucks and I can't change it. I can't quit either now, I'm too far, but I just shout and scream in my mind all day. I get furious inside like a caged gorilla, I could just bend the bars and tear the world up, but I need to stay in the cage and endure their ceremonies to get my treat. Frustrating.

So my purpose is lost on the way somewhere. I don't know what my purpose is behind those bars, but for now I choose a new purpose every day - to not go insane. Maybe that's too ADHD, but my mind is... well I quickly assess things, "get the hang", but I don't like practicing all day. I do what I do, and if I don't like it, I do something else. I believe all knowledge is connected, a drummer can be a good golf player - because he has learnt body control and to weave motions with gravity. I try to master all things that I admire or deem useful, and it's been a good way of living personally, but professionally you don't get anywhere. They don't want an engineer that's OK at engineering and OK at philosophy, wisdom, english, drawing, music, tinkering, sports, ... no. They want an engineer that's GOOD at engineering. And all the feedback I ever get from that conglomerate is that I'm mediocre on a good day. I'm not just this one skill!! I can do more than OK, if you don't bind me up in concrete. But no one gives a shit.

I'd like a lecture about Physics to include a walk through the forest. It would bring me pleasure seeing all these academic characters in another scenario outside their comfort zone. As they are, humans, imperfect - and that's OK! Learn to live with being imperfect, don't try to be perfect or to uphold a mirage such as omniscience. It doesn't exist, there is no perfect circle.

People often say that only young minds can be dynamic and flexible, but I don't believe that is true. It's just that everlasting routine that makes older people "unlearn" being flexible. They do the same shit 24/7 for decades, of course they are only good at that then.

This everlasting education is not what I wanted in this world though. It feels so depriving. I'm out of place, I don't want to be seen.

I hope I just get the hang of studying soon. Something good must happen someday, eh? I've already watched many videos by Elliot Hulse, many moons ago, also this one. But yea, the guy has some nice ideas to get yourself psyched!

wolfenstein_3d__get_psyched_by_nightmare

(from Wolfenstein, forgive me, but... Ach I just dig the zeitgeist from the 90s gaming industry. And slayer. Fuckn' SLAYER)

Society has deceived you but does conforming to it's rules make you a slave? No it only makes you a material slave. Not a brain slave. You are not a brain slave. Follow your heart and empower your emotional purpose.

Sure it only makes me a material slave, but... if I surround myself with shitty material, my thoughts start revolving around it. It gets to you someday. You might not notice, you might laugh at its first attempts to catch you, but one day it has crept up your spine into your mind. Be wary what you spend time with and where, you will assimilate someday. That's why - keep mobile and nimble if you can and if it feels good to you. Play guitar AND draw AND do sports AND listen to metal AND write AND whatever it is you want.

 

@Pierce Haha!! Yea I need to get back on "the way". When shit hits the fan, I always forget where I am and how I got there, but I just stare at brown particles spread everywhere.

Need to recollect my armor scattered on the ground, and sew its holsters. Lick my wounds, reapply my war paint, sharpen my blades and gaze at the setting sun as if it was the last occasion – as if I were the only person to really understand and appreciate its beauty. These next days I'll be sure to get back into my battle-groove, thanks to you, and who knows, maybe I can make a point some day.

I'm also glad your feet are sunk in the same swampy shit as mine are, the wading becomes so much more bearable when you can share your laughs and tears. Though I would never wish anyone this fate or try to get anyone to join. Anyone that is in it, is in it because the circumstances fell so or they chose it. There is no better reason to be anywhere, we are clear of fakeass shit.

Big-Lebowski.jpg

Now let me scoop some of this around and see if "the path" is somewhere down there.

 

@KDY Wow! You read all that? That makes me feel very honored! Thinking of my style as a firehose blowing heads away with concentrated kinetic energy is a good way to start any day. The good spelling is probably derived from autocorrect – I'm sad to admit, no credit to me! Hah.

Recently I've gotten some positive feedback on my writing from a couple of people, I must be careful not to fall into a hubris, but it feels very good and always incites a spirit in me to keep writing and fighting for my beliefs (or non-beliefs). I found an old Haiku of mine and posted it in your thread. To write haiku, a certain emotional state is necessary, so I can't promise to ever get back to it, but if I do, I'll know where to go. Writing a book? Haha, I'll be sure to tell... I will need to work on some basic writing techniques though... and that'd be a load of work, but who knows, I might be amused to, when life kicks me in the groin and my passive death wish needs to be banished into letters to call myself a survivor (which happens every now and then, and then some).

I currently have little time to tinker with my keyboards, but what I really need are mechanical switches and clicky buttons. As a kid I was always hacking away on an old typewriter from grandpa, I just loved the sounds those things made. Every single one of them, the "click", the "thump", the "crrrrr" and the "ping". I have this odd audiophile passion, where I am content with things if they "sound good", and as an engineer when actually working as a mechanic that ear is my best bet on finding all the problems, I hog them boxes like Spider-Man with my ears close up to them. Machines purr when they run well, and I have this odd passion of making things purr. Be it cats, dogs, doors or dishwashers.

A wavy-ergonomic model usually does not get fabricated with mechanical switches, but I have not checked your site yet I must admit, as I need to get to my cleaning routine soon and don't have the time, but I bookmarked it. Maybe I can get inspired to try something new, which is always a good thing and I like funky peripherals, thank you.

Marcus Aurelius sounds pretty kickass, I'll be sure to try and find a hardcopy by George Long. Archaic sounds good, archaic never dies!

Sadly, my French sucks, so I can't drop by your journal, but feel free to comment on mine, I always try to drop a line.

 

Really got to go, keep strong guys, never surrender and be viscous!!... uh vicious!! VICIOUS!!

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ENTRY #29 - DAY XX: (no time to check)

Still alive. No time to write though, I got a working week and... well cooking, sports, cleaning and eating pretty much takes all my time. Still going strong though, not about to relapse or sad or anything. Quite well actually, the Zhuangzi is my best friend, and I like thoughtless gazing into emptiness when I find the time.

In the 45 mins of "free" time I got per day, I am watching detective conan movies. It's so chilled.

My training is going well, I feel pretty racked and kickass. Sometimes I pretend to look into the Zhuangzi book, but actually I am just looking at women's behinds.

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ENTRY #30 - DAY 62:

What a week. Work is hell, I need to do anything I can to not fall into one of those 9-5 lifestyles. It's... no it's not for me. I would probably hang myself within a couple of years and don't call me lazy. I can work hard and I would die for my beliefs – but working 9-5 so that someone can drive a Benz instead of a normal car is not one of them. Either I drive the Benz or I ride a bicycle, and honestly I really really really don't give a shit which one of the two it is, but I for sure as fuck don't want to go 9-5 on anything. Nope. I will not.

The big fear I have is, though, I don't know how to make money on my own. Maybe I could move to a country where you only need like 200$ a month to live, and sell something to rich kids in the US that I have engineered for 10$. You know, minimize my own costs and don't give a shit about how much I make. I'm good at minimizing costs, but terrible at maximizing profit. My tongue is not serpent-y enough to rip people off, as I like being honest and I like helping.

Sounds like a plan. Now, said place only need be English speaking and not in danger of getting shot in the head by an AK47, and this is where it all goes to hell. I mean, Asia could be OK, like move to Indonesia or Thailand, you know. Island, beach, and enough tourism so that the state is interested in keeping a "caucasian friendly" atmosphere. Where tourism is big enough to get by with speaking English.

*Googles* https://www.expatinfodesk.com/ ah there you go, now I only need a business idea...

 

So Indonesia, Morocco, Malaysia/Singapor or Thailand could be places to pursue such a lifestyle. These countries are fairly stable, cheap and might be acceptant enough to foreigners. Oh god, what a weird idea. It is for the far future, I need to finish my degree first, but... yea I should keep an eye open. Maybe the US are also an option, I do have an American passport, so... that'd be easy.

Germany is a very complicated place to pursue a freelance lifestyle, unless you have someone that personally teaches you the nits and grits. There is so many laws and regulations that actually make this a very safe place BUT it is fucking confusing unless you are an adept at law and economy. And I hate reading law and economy texts.

The more I think about it... actually I am doing just the right things to get where I want. My part-time job allows me that freedom to learn how to do what I want. I am in a position of decent power - for a part-timer. I put out buy and sell orders on my own pretty much... this is what I need to learn to be a good freelancer. SHIT, WOW. I never was aware of this. It's all by coincidence, but... I'm setting this up good without knowing.

Okay. Cool. There is a red line somewhere here to hold on to. Don't lose sight of those goals and just... well don't follow that red line, but tug the shit out of it till the world falls over.

Hang in there, hang in there destoroyah, it's working.

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ENTRY #31 - DAY 63:

Working kills creativity. I have decided that I need to save as much money as possible. Time isn't money – Money is TIME. Since I don't want to work.

I can't write anymore, it really seems as if working has killed any muse in me. Lobotomy.

 

Oh Lobotomy... what a great band name! Uh... it probably exists already, eh?

Swedish Death Metal and Argentine Thrash, just my genres, point blank! Hahaha. Brutal! Gotta start listening to it.

 

EDIT: Okay I've delved into some sick youtube playlists and I'm on Metal Safari, this shit is good!!

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ENTRY #32 - DAY XX:

I've been working too much on that stupid part time job now.

Haven't got around planning next semester, I'm not getting anywhere at uni, I've lost track of where I was and where I wanted to be.

But that's all fixable... I guess, I'll just need to work harder... do more shit I dislike. AGAIN.

 

What's really been bugging me though, is that, despite all my efforts in my personal and professional lives – I seem to be getting nowhere and I still need to take shit from all fronts and endure stuff that I despise. I'm really aggressive, people close to me have turned into a waste of time. I see some random person on the street and the first thought I have "get out of my way, you stupid fuck", then a glare and then this rising urge of grabbing his throat and choking him - or even her, it doesn't distinguish between gender or age. It is unfounded and without reason, but my frustration seems to be seeking a target, and one of these days – I fear – the next best person will do.

I've been paying close attention to maintaining my sports routine and I'm going to my limit where I can to tire myself, but this doesn't help me relieve my anger. I listen to heavy metal, and I've played with the thought that it might serve as an amplifier for my anger, rather than an outlet, but these past weeks I rarely had the time to actually listen to any music and I don't ever wear headphones on the go as it gives me the feeling of impairing my senses but my anger levels are at their peak. I had to prevent myself from writing in my journal "I want to kill someone" for 20 pages, because I really felt like it.

Today I almost bought a NES, because I really want to play Castlevania III. I thought "yea, these kids at game quitters are all struggling with girlsy shitty DOTA crap, NES is the shit!" – and all sortsa crap to justify a purchase. I really miss my NES sessions, I could never play more than 1-2 hours in a row, because it was rather tiresome and got boring at the point you kept trying and failing that impossible level. There were never drops, or loot, there was only skill. No chances, only you and blisters on your thumbs.

This anger is my biggest enemy, it would have the power to drive me into a relapse, because I know that gaming has always been the place where I could pack it – never to come back. And when I arrived at the near end stages on Castlevania III ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5J8XqDENH1Y&list=PLEFFCC6ED90E41A23&index=15 ), or when I got to the final level of Shatterhand ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=175LKhA0vu4&index=10&list=PLED35EE5076954DFA) to beat it again, smelled the chance of a complete playthru, I felt as if my two eyes were all in the world and every millisecond counted eternity. Right there in the zone with myself, by myself and not in need of anyone to cheer me on – I was self sufficient, score was my feedback and going from the left side to the right was my only purpose. It was simple and stupid – as life should me.

I've tried finding a substitute, and I've realized there is none for that. Not drawing, not doing anything with computers, not making music, not exercising and not cooking. Sure, they all help channel my "soul" and maintain it – but in the end I'm still empty on the inside. All these things just manifest me and keep me working. But there is nothing that uses me up as I want to, nothing that challenges me enough to get rid of my anger. When I pass an exam – I feel no accomplishment. Recently I've gone from jogging 5kms to 10kms – no feeling of accomplishment. I lift, I lose weight, I look like a Levis model if you chop my head off – no feeling of accomplishment. No matter what I do, I feel nothing. I can do anything I set hand on, and sometimes it surprises me that I can, but there is no pleasure drawn out of it. As if that shit was just hard coded in my spine and nothing to it really. Nothing I may feel proud of, because the moment I do I lose these skills. Women seem to be happy to receive my attention, but I never give them any – because I see a million flaws and problems with having them in my life. I see a million flaws in everyone in fact. Maybe because I'm working so hard on myself and I'm frustrated that I'm still unhappy with how things are and the next best idiot seems to be doing fine. Even though he isn't, and I know, but my frustration don't care.

Maybe I haven't looked hard enough for that passion of mine, but I feel this passive deathwish in me rising more and more, either that, or the desire to shortwire and attack someone random. I've done it all by the book and beyond. I did it all right and it's still there, my heart can't endure this shit anymore. I have no problem resisting gaming, when it comes down to reality, but some part of me tells me it's my only passion. I've been shuffling through this desert, and there's a million cans to drink called gaming. I feel hollow. I feel like I could consume this whole world with just a stare at the ground for too long.

Something good could happen to me once in a while... I mean, I don't think that way, I only believe in actively pursuing my goals, dreams and wishes but there are none. I don't give a shit. People in my life show me nothing new. Maybe I am just a bad listener... but... well I try, and I know... there is nothing new.

This phase will end like any. I was kind of hoping that writing would inspire me, but instead it only robbed me of my time and with that – sleep. Fuck.

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