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Destoroyah's Meltdown


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ENTRY 11 - DAY 18:

I have another anecdote from my early past. It was in the early years of school - elementary. Boys thought girls were uncool and kissing was "nasty". The girls were probing this new subject though and made a game out of it. All of them formed a group and they went out hunting us guys. When they caught us, they held us tight and then one of them kissed us. It was freaking stupid.

At the time, I didn't give a shit about any of that, but I hated the idea of someone forcing me into a situation. When they caught me, I kicked the girl in the groin.

The teacher went mad as fuck when he found out. He yelled at me: "Do you know where you're coming from? DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM??!", I didn't think that I did wrong in defending myself, even against girls. But I didn't know that he was referring to vaginas so I thought to myself  "From Hell." but didn't dare saying it and said "I don't know, sir."

I wasn't really evil, but I liked provoking people when I felt OK about myself and being criticized for it. The above story is not an example of me provoking, but of my suppressed intention to. My childhood was full of shit like this, constantly, I think it might be the reason why I'm still standing. I wasn't really damaged by it, but my view on the world was a very dark one for long. Things have lightened up, I have sorta learned not to take everything - myself - so seriously. I have stopped pointing on people or things to blame and taken responsibility for my own faults. But I still endure a lot of shit silently, because society has taught me to. It's easier to say "OK." and go through all consequences, than to say "no, fuck you!" and have some retarded argument with a person that then seeks self-affirmation, "examples" and that has a lack of verbal cohesiveness, rhetoric and no ability to address ones own flaws. Fuck you.

I've been hiding the last couple of decades, but it's okay. I can walk and I practice what I preach, and sometimes, when I'm not being a stubborn moron, some people seem to look up to me - when I look away. If I can manage to reduce endless computer-use, I might even be proud of myself - because I'd rip some shit and listen more.

Quitting gaming itself is EASY but fixing all it fucked up is a difficult task to remain engaged in. I hate listening, I hate practicing. I've heard and seen it all!! I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. Been told everything a hundred times, thought I understand, but when I pick up tools I'm totally confused. From the outside it looks (and even may be) the complete opposite, even IRL. Strange, huh? My view on myself is not real.

I really need to listen more. I'm so busy bulldozing "my own way, the only way", that I lack some perspective. I picked up reading some of you guys' journals to practice writing a meaningful comment. I hope I can write more than "This is me. This is what I do.", someday.


I really want to do my sports routine, but I'm still sick - takin' it easy.


Edited by destoroyah
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Your style of writing reminds me of William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying, and I mean that as the highest compliment. Here's an excerpt from it:

"Yes yes yes yes yes." Two men put him on the train. They wore mismatched coats, bulging behind over their right hip pockets. Their necks were shaved to a hairline, as though the recent and simultaneous barbers had had a chalk-line like Cash's. "Is it the pistols you're laughing at?" I said. "Why do you laugh?" I said. "Is it because you hate the sound of laughing?"

Please let me know if you ever write a stream of consciousness novel so I can preorder a copy of it for myself and all of my friends.

Also, it's good that you too are strengthened by the eternal nothingness. Make the best use of the molecules that happen to be called "You" right now, before they disperse and one day become "something else". And forget all of the haters from your past; you have some incredible insights specifically because you chose to be different from them. That makes you one cool dude in my book.

*Cue Legend of Zelda chest opening music* +1 Follower!

Edited by Pierce
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Wow, that's the nicest thing I've heard in a while, because it sounds true. I've been working hard on myself, because of all the negative feedback I interpret. Everytime I look back, I can feel proud - but I must never look back, or I'll lose that which makes me good.

That's why I like eternal nothingness, it will be the time to rest.

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ENTRY 12 - DAY 20:

It has stopped raining. The dust has been washed from the air, I can breathe again. I can see miles, while I was out, some believers were kind enough to sharpen my lance. Time for me to impale another two dragons from the list. Exams are coming up, one of them an easy kill that has already been lined up for awhile, the other - something from the unknown. No stories were ever told and I had been too ill to do that research.

In my studying life I have gone through a lot. The last exams I made - because of pure grit. Because I sat there for 1 minute realizing that I don't know shit, sat there 1 minute, telling myself "I don't want to write this exam again." over and over, slowly turning into "I will never write this exam again" like by whispers in the telephone game. Killing subquestions with assumptions, writing sentences stating that my solutions are wrong, but continuing with gut-predicted results.

In the end, it turns out, some exams of that sort are unsolvable, and everybody gets 10 points for free, and a motherfucker like me, walks out with a B.

Dee-Da-Dee. You're so great, destoroyah!!! *claclap* Go fuck yourself. 

I've learned to take a hit with my shoulders, curl up and keep stance. But what I can't state to have learnt is pushing thru. Sometimes you are missing 10% of victory, that is where you need to push the lance thru with a warcry to make the dragon flinch into microspasms in order to assist you in his own death. Thunderbolts from the sky, burning clouds galore. 

Never call yourself a warrior, unless you are fighting. In the same manner - you can never say you've learnt pushing thru unless you are busy pushing thru. It surrounds you like an aura, and people tend to leave you alone because you are in the zenest of zones. You will be resistant to all advice, and your head is about to explode from testosterone.

You are on a different plane, where dream and reality share a dimension, or two, depends on the size of what you're attempting to conjure thru. You are everywhere and in all states. It's like a dead living cat in a box conceived to demonstrate the concept of quantum mechanics. Maybe in a parallel universe, there is another you, receiving a different outcome from the same situation. One guy that didn't "push thru".

I'm pretty sure there is, and I'm pretty sure, if he survived that, he'd hate me if my fate was better than his. I'd be a spoiled rotten wuss to him - because from his losing situation he has learned to fight. He'd never want to change places with me, because even if my circumstances may be better than his, he's greater on the inside. Pain is the best mentor you can have, but you'd never notice that you're getting a free schooling while receiving punches in the balls. You're busy crossing your eyes, looking both ways and seeing nothing.

Oooh you're so manly, may I lick your biceps? Bloated yourself up like a hot air ballon, you're gonna pop sooner or later, either because of underpressure or the sun.

Get studying, megalomanic one!

I'm a weathered warrior, seen my share of battles and been across all of them seven seas. Or so I presume, I've lost count of the trips I've done. This armor of mine serves no longer as protection, I just wear it, because it tells me my story when I'm too knocked to remember why I remain standing. The holes and dents in it are like graffiti by attempts on my life. Though always with an intent to put me down, this graffiti is no sign of hatred. Sometimes I caress all those cracks like they were my children. Once they mature, my punch grows stronger and I grow more relentless. The same attack will never work twice, and every failed attack is part of the legacy that will prove my immortality.

There is no hope. There is no wish, there is no goal. There is no reason. There is just now, me and that little air in my lungs. With every breath I die again to be reborn with the next one. I don't remember who I used to be, and I will not regret having lost that form of me. I die every day, ten-thousand times. My heart beats for the moment. And when it will stop, and it will stop, of that I am as certain as the fact that I am alive now, I will never look back. I will never regret.

Edited by destoroyah
I can't count entries.
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I think you have same superpower I do: knowing how stand back up and charge the enemy again after getting your ass beat. It's grit, and grit is enough.

"As long as you can still grab a breath, you fight. You breathe... keep breathing." -Hugh Glass, The Revenant

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Yea, but I'm also good at crawling and poking their asses from below.


You're a nice guy, so many nice words, I can't even treat them all with respect - it's depleted!


EDIT: All this talk about falling, getting back up and fighting can leave one in the warriors cage. I need to broaden my horizon, but fuck, it's all clouded because of the exams! I hope I can let go of this war-drumming attitude soon...

Edited by destoroyah
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ENTRY 13 - DAY 22:

Eurgh. I'm fucked. Under a lot of pressure. My cold has mutated into a nasty cough and everything is cold. I perceive the outside world through my window like an alternate dimension. Everything is fucked, I got so much pressure, but the outside looks so calm. I'm in this shit not because I wanted it, I'm in it because I chose it. And I chose it because I had to choose between stuff I don't like. And if I'd ever back out, which I can't, I might as well jump off a cliff, everyone would be like "oh, you don't have what it takes. You chose this, and now you're backing out.".

Just 3 more days... and then... well nothing, working again and listening to complaints on another level. What the fuck has my life become? All this fucking work. All this catching up to do, because I was playing games and shit. And now that I'm starting to get a grip, there's like fucking nothing good about it. Nothing positive at all in my life. Like seriously, I can't explain why I don't have depressions yet, because that would be normal.

Yea, go to a doctor and tell him "I don't have depressions, but in my state I should have. What's wrong with me? sob sob sob". You've finally awoke... look, everything has gone to hell, probably you'd die, before your done fixing it. Why the sad face? Feeling alone? Have a cookie. Have as many cookies as you like, have even more cookies if you don't like cookies and now get to fucking work. No one gives a shit, even if you die. Hope is a lie.

So tired. Just let me sleep... sleep... My left eyeball is under pressure, the skin on my nose is dried up from all the tissues I'm using - that's like half a liter of mucus per day or something. My head is so heavy and everything is fucked. I'm writing the first exam tomorrow, I'll pass it, if I manage to wake up and score 16%. I've prepared to score about 70-80%. It's easy. And if I ever say that it's easy, people all over me sayin "don't call things easy" "never say never", "you should have more respect" "always doing the bare minimum". FUCK YOU! It's like in the movie Office Space or something.

The second exam is on the ninth, 2 days after the first, and that's what I'm studying for right now. If I'd write it right now, I could get like 20% max. It's hopeless, the sickness robbed like 3 days and I was busy working one of them. And FUCK! I know I should've started earlier, but it wasn't like I was jiggling my balls. Everybodies pissing on my feet looking for attention. "I'm so special" "I'm so good looking" "I can do it all better", yea. Well fuck you. I'm not surprised that I've had to suppress the urge to punch people in the face.

And whenever I call someone a fucking retard, they come up on me and say shit like "oh that's not nice" "all humans are of equally intelligence at the core", "you have to respect everyone". Yea. Whatever. Is there a sentence in your minds that you've not heard somewhere else before? All your parts in conversations sound like deja vus!!

And then they wanna have discussions with me, because, I don't know. They think I'd have something smart or interesting to say. Well, I don't. I don't give a shit about being smart or interesting or what-the-fuck ever your inferiority complex interprets into me.

Don't mind me. Immature ramblings, I just had to vent some steam, because I just took 3 hours of learning and FUCKED IT.




"Today is a good day to die."

-Trolls from WarCraft II


PS: I miss playing Brutal Doom: Project Brutality while listening to Slayer

Edited by destoroyah
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You said it before: you're still deadly even when you're crawling on the ground. Make the world pay for every inch of ground it tries to take from you. It made a grave mistake when it thought that sickness would break your spirit.

Also I enjoyed the Office Space reference. I don't know if you've ever seen it, but I'm geeky to admit that the 1984 Conan the Barbarian is my favorite movie. The plot summary is that Arnold Schwarzenegger goes on a rampage and kills more things than he says intelligible lines in it, which is pretty much any movie ever. Anyway, there's a prayer from it that might serve you well in this situation.


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@Pierce Shit yea, I've seen Conan. Fucking rocks!!


Mongol General: Hao! Dai ye! We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?

Mongol: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.

Mongol General: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?

Conan: Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of their women.

Mongol General: That is good! That is good.


Most people I watched it with, though, went like "This is shit, how can you like it?". Haha. I thought about it, I don't think it's shit. I've seen many movies like this, as you mentioned - it's any movie ever. But Conan's got something because it doesn't take itself so seriously, and its hero is fucking stupid, but in a way - he's keeping it real. He's not trying to be cool, he is himself. Don't take life too seriously (you can solve it another day) and don't take yourself too seriously - I think that's a good message from Conan and a good foundation for strength. But of course, so is decapitating horse riders with an axe!

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ENTRY 15 - DAY 25:

Dear citizen,

Fuck your shit. Ever since day 1 I've felt like a tiger jumping hoops in a fucking circus. Why am I still here? You clowns!! Leave me the fuck alone! I just want out of your system and be done with it, I'll rip more shit than you could in your dreams, because you're all staring in your screens - fucking smartphones all day! What the shit! Like zombies you need to push outta the way, gray and decomposed. With a stench and slow moving with your eyes fixated on a screen. Headphones to blend the rest out. Move your head around and open your fucking eyes, or one day I can't abstain from punching you in the fucking face. "Welcome to reality!", give you a slap and shove you to drop the phone. Your facial expressions go well with my fecal sessions, in flagranti.

You can't even think anymore on your own, sure, you know as much as google - and I can google in 10.000 ways to prove my own truth, but you don't know shit! Fuck googling. Fuck Wikipedia. Fuck the rest as well. It's full of advertising, and you think you're following your own will on the net? You're not! Always fixed on the next link it baits ya!


Sure I'm a gamer - was a gamer,

but I'd wager

that running thru Castlevania 

- on NES is like a disclaimer,

To 8bit goodness and badassery.

My history.



Where surfing is like starin Baywatch.

You'll get wet, but you'd never fuck


while I rock my controlla,

and whip the shit outta Medusa,

hitting it high to dope chiptunes.

And you're busy consuming cartoons.

I'd satisfy myself like that any day,

before I put my seed in you,

I'd rather fist your face.


But okay..., I let go of that,

just to make a statement.

just to point out that you fucking suck.

There is no more angle to attack me now.



So let me resume my prolamation.

Fuck your concepts of individuality, by wearing shoes with a different logo. Fuck you for putting worth into being "authentic" how many fakeass motherfuckers are out there, that we need to discuss this?! Fuck the battle of the sexes - what have we become to not have sex??! Fuck cigarettes and alcohol for keeping the majority quiet. Fuck soccer, for hypnotizing the masses. Fuck movies for falsifying the ways we judge reality. FUCK Disney for tearing a girls mind in regards to romance. Fuck horses and dinosaurs for conjuring fucked up gender roles. I don't need no fucking Idol, I'll bite your heads off, I'm DESTOROYAH!!! I'll 404 page-not-found pound you!!

I hate this shit!! Since day one. Since day fucking one. And I got enough hate saved up to last me 10.000 lifetimes. I've decided to pursue a career in investment banking!!




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ENTRY 16 - DAY 26:

Erks. I probably failed that last exam. Everything was turned against me. I was sick. The place I work at gets overrun and extremely busy, "requiring" me presence, shortly before the exam. Well they'd never require me, but if I don't heed the call, they go lookin for a new one. They mention that in the same breath as "Hello". Then on the day of the exam, we were allowed ALL notes, so I even had this stack of printed previous exams and I took that to town. And what came? Like 3 major questions from that one exam I had known from my learning - an extremely hard one though, which I never really solved. All the others being a piece of cake. I could've written from that piece of paper 1:1, at least 30% of the answers - but I forgot to pack it in that morning. It was lying on my desk... the last couple of points that could've made a definit fail into a definite pass. Ach, it just disgusts me. That it's so easy to sorta cheat, pass by copying answers. This has happened to me twice now! Identical exams from the past, and I don't pack 'em. I always think like "Yea, that's never gonna happen, I don't need to plan that way.".

Fuck that! It happens way to often to me. Like it's a flaw of mine. And i see all these idiots passing, without understanding shit. Fuck this.

So fine, I went to work today. And I fucked up there too. Luckily that was just at the offshoot branch office, and not where I usually work. But the manager there completely went psycho on me. I can't explain really, but it was like 1% error on my side and 99% psychological problems on the other. Soon she wasn't just criticizing me, she was pulling out reasons from WAY back and inventing shit just to hurt me. I didn't bother dissin back, I just finished what I started, packed ALL my shit and left in quickness. Saying that I'm sorry for having disappointed her and wishing her a good recovery. I'm not  going back there. Ever. It's not a big loss. She's known to cause problems and we've had some in the past. She's had many helpouts, in the last 3-4 months the job has become vacant 4 times.

Like... I don't need to put up with your shit. Quit fucking around. I don't respect you for your age, I can sit around and do nothing for 60 years. Would that make me respectabse? She was like surfing on Facebook all the time. Told me stories of how many guys my age ask her out. I was kind of surprised, till I realized that was all happening on Facebook. Her account has like 1.000 friends. Wow.

Wanna see me get 50 friends on Facebook?

*snap* Done.

Can I talk now like I'm popular?


My life has no room for your hallucinated bullshit.


My journal is so fucking casual right now, I wanna shoot myself. But i guess they've wasted me. I hope I get rid of this cold soon. It's really pissing me off. I'm here 10 days already.

This weekend I'll just watch movies 48 hours straight. The world can go fuck itself.

Edited by destoroyah
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ENTRY 17 - DAY 27:

Shake it off. Whatever that was on me. Dreamt a bug was crawling on me, but I crushed it. My health is improving, managed to get back into training today, at 50%. Gotta take it slow the next few days, but I feel no negative repercussions so far. I'm still in good shape, despite being out for almost 2 weeks.

Watched "The Wolf of Wallstreet" it was a good movie. At one point, the protagonist loses everything he has and is left by his wife. He was in despair, I think it was meant to be sort of sad. It was strange, I felt nothing. Maybe because he was hedonistically overdoing it constantly, but maybe because that despair of reality is a normal state for me. Scary when I think about it, I really should get out of this phase of life quick! I might lose it someday.

I swapped back to my mechanical QWERTZ keyboard - but I'm still running a DVORAK layout. I uninstalled the possibility to even run QWERTZ. I missed the better physical feedback. Also, blind typing was bad because of the printed letters. Recently I was hunt&pecking constantly. Time to take the plunge into typing blind, I know where the letters are, but I need to force myself into remembering. I'm on the lookout for translucent blank keycaps.

Today my flatmate wanted to borrow my xbox360 controller. I couldn't find it. Haha. That was kind of funny, I apologized, saying that I don't wanna look for it. I think I never will. Can't be bothered. Maybe to sell it, if he makes me a motivating price to dig thru my shit, and I'm not getting up for under 10 bucks. Maybe for 20. Haha. He'd never pay that much, he knows I paid 5 for new. It will remain in that corner, till it's "retro" or what the fuck ever kids these days call my equipment.

I occasionally miss gaming, but... I'm too busy for the most part. Sadly work mostly. Nothing good. I'm so thankful to have this weekend off. It's so good. Finally I can chill out and get healthy. Just doing nothing is fine. Jogging was cool today, yesterday I made some curry and maybe I'll finally get around cleaning my room tomorrow. My desk looks like the local library exploded over it, and some manic with only 10 minutes of time tried to solve 50 math-exercises with black ink on blank paper.

Next week I gotta work fulltime again. Hope I get healthy by then, I hate this shit. After that, I'll see to get arch Linux running on my main computer. I wanna teach myself some Latex as well. I'll order a book for 5$ and put it on the crapper, it's a great way of interacting with new material.

Also, having put the monitor into a mode that emits less "blue LED" light has helped my eyesight incredibly. I see less artifacts when turning away, and my eyes don't burn so much anymore after longer sessions. It might even improve sleep, and I can confirm that, but that might be placebo (http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2016/10/23/near-infrared-led-lighting.aspx). Now that might all be bullshit, not everything is EVIL, but my own experience seems to confirm it. I have been tuning monitors at work too. I'm so relaxed at work now. And I bring my DVORAK keyboard and trackball. I'm not wasting my bodily functions on work. No way. The first thing I'm buying with a real salary is a real computer chair. Ohhh yea.

PS this band called Psychosomatic is the shit. Especially the album "Another Disease". Took me about 30 listens to appreciate in trueness. The aggression is very raw. I fucking love it!!!

Edited by destoroyah
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ENTRY 18 - DAY 32:

Where am I? How the fuck did I get here? And why is everything moving so damn fast??

Quitting gaming was like releasing the handbrakes, but the world seems so quick that I sometimes wonder if I'm in reverse. People keep yelling instructions, but their voices sound like the chipmunks drowned in Doppler effect. Leaving me behind embazzled with the letters W, T and F in my face - without order. I'm from another world. It seems many I meet are etched with either anger or fear permanently, like Two-Face had pressed a hot coin in their forehead at birth. I see people with shaking hands, aged 20 and people aged 45 angry like teens. You counter them with commanding looks and pointing fingers, or palms and understanding eyebrows.

Work is fucked up. I did my job fulltime this week, and yea, you grow into it.. and it has good sides... but no man. I ain't doin that for long! I woke up at 7 and tried to go to bed at 9. I was lucky to eat. I was lucky just sitting. I was thankful in the morning to be sitting in a train doing nothing for 10 minutes. Fuck, that was one of my highlights on daily basis - sitting on that train with a home-made coffee in my hand, listening to pointless chatter of other people till the graffiti mile of the main-station drew my attention away like a colorful LSD trip. Constantly thinking "I wish I had your problems, I'd solve them in 3 minutes and then go juggle my balls all week!".

Sleeping was the best. I slept so well, I felt like a polar bear dozing off thru a month of polar night. I woke up chewing air and scratching my belly like Al Bundy. But shit, I'll never work 8 hours a day, no man, that's not my thing, sir. It's retarded, that comes from a time when women educated children and cooked for men. Those times are over. I'm not complaining. My life, my mind my body are too precious to be your eternal slave. I just want a couple of bucks, something to eat and a roof on my head. I'd gladly give up computers and TVs. I don't need a car. I don't need a house. I just want to eat and sleep. My thoughts and my heart are enough to entertain me. I don't think that I'd even need a girlfriend or people. I need no internet, I'm fine with books. Maybe I need some music, but if I can't have playback, give me a drum or a banjo.

Fuck your "pleasures". Possessions just possess you, the truly rich are rich in heart. Fuck your paper, I use it to wipe myself when I'm done thinking of y'all. 


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Let them keep their trinkets. You don't have to play their game. That's why I like you. You realize that it's all a game, and therefore can make your own rules. Go build yourself a palace in your mind and then do with the external world as you will.

Hey, and I take the bus twice a day, so I can completely relate to the joy that those rides and sleep can bring. Makes us appreciate them both more.

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ENTRY #19 - DAY 35:

This weekend is just chill. I am at peace with mind, body and...

...there is no soul!!

Uh, right. You are still there, lying in wait, ready to ruin every single fucking moment if my brain isn't occupied.

I still had some money left over, got myself some new-used levis and blank keycaps for my mechanical keyboard. I hope they fit, because I'm running a chinese production model - and shit is known to have problems with measuring tolerances. But whatever, I'll be running a black keyboard with blank white letterkeys. It's gonna be so h4xx0r. Next week I hope to be making the jump to Arch Linux, I'm already shitting my pants in 1337ness, it's green and the smell is funky.

I'll order a 30€ chinese SSD for the swapping project. It'd be wise to leave my windows 10 untouched for now. I'll throw its harddrive in a corner and see how long I can do without. Delivery is in march, so I'm gonna take the one from my laptop and leave the laptop "naked" running on one of my oldschool mechanical HDDs if needed.

I know I could do all this for free, and just partition my SSD, but... I don't wanna run a Frankenstein monster PC with two operating systems. Linux 100%, if that doesn't work then fuck Linux, but I'm pretty sure it'll work if I am relentless enough and able to cope with some cutbacks in software alternatives.

... and I'll do anything to get rid of advertising in my login screen and "rate windows 10" requests. Surely you could "hack it away", but dafuq? It's like cockroaches in my bed countered with insect spray. This shit was whack since when they said it'd be free.


Welcome to reality.

There is no soul and nothing is free!!

Even fucking costs money!


The easy way out is set with a million mousetraps, fuck you, I'm taking the scenic route. Just to breathe freely, to be without your load of shit and serpent-y selling strategies. I've sold shit myself, and I know where it's at. It's those 10 cents you rob from every customers pocket with a smile - till it's the norm. Till you go for 20 cent with a smile, because everyone is doing 10 now. To be better and survive - 1% is enough. I'm keeping those 20 cents, bitches, to be able to say

"just my 2 cents"

While I chew a gum that I bought with the other 18. Cheap gum. Yea. Whatever.

Linux is the way to go, when you wanna stop being a ho. And I'm done being a corporate bitch. Finito.


PS My Logitech M570 is the shit. Since I deburred its opening for the ball with a knife. I really recommend it, it's so fun to use. I just want a ball that looks like a globe....

Edited by destoroyah
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ENTRY #20 - DAY 37:

I got off the rest of this week. I got off till mid march. Nearly a month. I got no Uni stuff to be done, except that 1 assignment about Linux and some program on it. Maybe I have to write some applications for an internship. It should be easy to get one.... but I'll need to put in like 20 minutes of effort per day.

It's all clear. A lot of time and little tasks. But these shitty little tasks are what kill me. Put me under pressure, I'll bitch and moan, but move mountains. Give me air to breathe - I die. I think many people are like this. Handling the impossible with shit in their pants - still handling it alright, but not being able to do the "normal" stuff. I need to assess the situation and get some skills in this. It's really a weakness of mine, a big one because it costs me my peace at heart so many times.

Getting started is the worst. Once I get started - no problem. But getting started is like casting a spell that I don't know the ritual for. I often make it, but then I'm surprised of great magic. I do the right things, but unintentionally. It works out, but it's at the last minute, as if there were a counter in my head that runs into alert mode when matters switch from "makeable" to "unmakeable", setting me off like TNT. But before that happens, I build totems to engage my spirit and dreamwalk all my deeds meticuosly. Everything is planned at the last minute for weeks, so I can do it in days in a big hurry. I estimate it all perfectly, it works out, but I'll be running 150% to get it done and go crazy. Crunching my teeth into time as if it were matter - but just crunching and cringing at nothing in pursuit of a deadline. Behind me that humonguos wave of afraidency, when a single drip of it touches me I think: "I can't do this, I can't do this.". Luckily I get a grip usually and bulldoze on, but if that wave would envelop me, then I'd give up - right there - and drown.

Why is everything such a challenge, and will life always remain a challenge? When I asked my colleague who is 10 years older than me, she said "It doesn't get easier. That's for sure.". There is no end to this, there is no eternal peace or happiness. There is no solution. We all grow old, wither and die while climbing evergrowing obstacles. It really doesn't make any sense to keep going at all. As an atheist, believing in eternal nothingness after death, there is no bank account you pay into with good deeds or "doing the right thing". Nah you need better reasons, right now and here in the here and now.

When I decided that there is nothing, after having stood at the crossroads of agnosticism gazing at the stars for many years, I chose it because it seemed more "brutal". More "heavy metal", "the hard way". I wanted to be cool and invincible. I thought that "I had it in me" to make it. Also I chose it, because it made a lot more sense and my gut feeling told me "don't rely on something that isn't your tool". Putting my fate and wishes into the hands of a god seemed like giving up.

After I made that choice, I was able to continue my journey. I had made a big assumption, but that was the price for keeping moving on. Life forced me to make this assumption and I could have made it either way, but I chose nothingness. Continuing the journey meant having to face all these harsh facts. There are no "ghosts" "spirits" or "gods", except the ones we place in each others heads. There is no afterlife. Life is all you get and you can't do anything wrong, because once you die you'll forget everything and disperse. There is no right either, because of the same reason. You yourself, and only you, may determine what is right and what is wrong - and you can even choose to deem the concept of "right and wrong" as bullshit altogether. Religious people have called me egoistic and conceited in putting myself into this high position over myself. I think the proclamation of egoism towards another is in itself "egoistic" and because I think that's complete bullshit, I have stopped believing in egoism. There is no egoism and no altruism. Our minds are not good enough to weigh all the factors of self benefit and universal benefit. An "egoistic" action can help the majority and an "altruistic" one may destroy it. The intention don't mean shit, I can tell any intention I want afterwards.

Thinking about egoism only lead to fruitless moments of doing nothing. No fun. No productivity. No grand scheme or moral to follow. Nothing. I got enough nothing after death. Thinking whether or not an action was "egoistic" did not improve my qualities as a "good" human being.

With that out of the way, I also ditched free will. I am the sum of my experience, my being here is the result of my materia being here in the alignment that it is. If there would be free will, I would have no personality. I am proud to be the sum of my experience. The absence of free will doesn't mean that I am not responsible for my actions. And if anyone thinks otherwise - stand in my way - I'd say "there is no responsibility". Because it's just a concept as well.

You only know these things because people told you. Because they taught you the shit they had been taught. Because someone invented these concepts. These words. If the words wouldn't exist, so wouldn't the concepts. There wouldn't be egoism. There would be something else. If ancient greek philosophers had eaten a different meal, had sex and a sunny day - they would've written a different truth for you to memorize.

Eternal nothingness gives me the power to say "fuck you". There's always a way out. You try to frame me? I won't jump out of the frame - I'll fucking break it.

And then you say "you can't do this." - oh yea? Who told you that? Mom? Fuck you and your rules. I do what I want. You think I'm conceited and egoistic? I just take your shit and break you. Spartanic and darwinistic you call me? Fuck darwinism. I'll not surrender because of some concept, I don't give a shit about statistics. I am one. I can be anything. I can kick your ass if I want to.

So is there alien life? Yea there is. It's some boringass bacteria on a remote planet no one gives a shit about except some whacky biology student that smells funny.


There, your truth.


Oh and as for willpower - keeping moving on and all that. The eternal fight - struggle... well I got a secret recipe: There is no future. There is no past. It's only in your head. All that matters is this second. This second in absence of pain and preferably thought.

My theories aren't founded or anything, I make shit up on the go, because thinking requires me to stop. Stopping is bad. Never stop. Never surrender. Never die. I know it's pretty dim witted, but I had been thinking a LOT about it, before I went berserk. Thinking made me ill. I can't always stick to what I wrote up there, but I do my best. And I feel much better now. Isn't that what it's all about? Feeling better?

Take away all hope and dreams and learn to appreciate reality. When it rains don't think of inbound sunshine, think "can't it rain harder?".

Feel the wet clothes. That thought you despise. It's not that bad. Only your parents said it would be. Humans are animals. Don't deny it, you'll feel better. You are a stupid fuck, don't try to be something else. It's OK. It's not so bad as you make it out to be. Get in there. Get dirty.


I should install Linux. Soon. Sooner. I hope I didn't bite off more than I can chew. ARRR! *chunk* *chunk*

Edited by destoroyah
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You're right, we have been thinking along the same lines. There is no altruism, only animalistic survival. Still, as a social species we've found ways to make mutualism a far better strategy than anarchy. That hasn't stopped us from harming one another, but has artificially curbed the chaos a bit.

Embrace the void, and let its impending embrace lead you to enjoy each moment. That's definitely something I can work on.

Also, if you ever have some free time and are interested in inquiring more on what the ego actually is, I highly recommend checking out Actualized.org: https://www.actualized.org/articles/the-enlightened-self. This guy has a lot of interesting ideas on the subject. I don't know what I think about them yet, but they have got me thinking about it a lot.

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